I’ve been stuck way way WAY down the rabbit hole, working my way through the original Star Trek movies (in backwards sequence: feeling the need to view STV/The Final Frontier initially, with its Deep Thoughts concerning personal grief & responsibility, coupled with the search for the Supreme Being**, then ST3 & 4) Of course I have my own DVD’s but I was watching on HBO Max, which was phasing ST out after May 31. I ran out of time to watch Number 1 (ST The Motion Picture) and ST6.
** and here you thought it was just a silly sci-fi soap opera! We Trekkies can discern the whole Meaning of Life from the perspective of the Star Trek universe…
Not to mention Star Trek is a good distraction from problems so I don’t want to dwell on at the present time:
A.) Financial hemorrhage continues since I knew my contractor’s original estimate was tens of thousands of dollars underpriced. I’m no builder but I indirectly observed my dad, who built houses for the last 30 years of his working life. He saved M and I tens of thousands of dollars getting our farmhouse built. I spoke to the loan sharks today to line up another $40K which I hope will get most of it done. The Grand Scheme of course, is to flip the mobile unit & surgery trailer to pay off a large part of that debt when we are able to move into the main building. I never meant to get enmeshed in mortgage-type debt at this stage of my career but there’s no other way to manage.
B.) Of course this whole circus is predicated on my ability to keep on keepin’ on, which seems far from certain. “If only I felt better” which only reminds me of an old family saying: “People in hell want ice water” Still struggling through my workdays with not much left in the tank - collapsing in my recliner to rest & recuperate, trying to replenish myself to do it all over again the next day. I can hardly believe this nightmare started over a year ago, with the sale of my clinic the first week of April. What a fool I was, to think that I had been fairly compensated.
C.) Other intrusive thoughts disturb me as this is my son’s birth week: yes, I realize my baby’s getting ready to turn a quarter-century old (!!!), but nevertheless I miss the solace of his company. My bad for “spousifying” him, in the sense of relying so heavily on him for companionship during the pandemic. “All good things must come to an end”, I realize - I’ve got to step back & let him find his way in the world, otherwise I’ll just be hamstringing him. Z & V are planning to spend his BD weekend in New Orleans. I hope to buy them dinner Wednesday night.
But tonight I’m watching “Apocalypto” which is as awesome a survivalist tale as one could ever hope to see. Let me be more like Jaguar Paw & less like a spineless victim.
He's reaching that age where he will appreciate all you've done for him and really fly from the nest, mom! I think you did a good job holding his head above water.
ReplyDeleteWhen they reach that quarter century and are flying on their own, we can rest at night, knowing we did our part as their moms! Well done, Val. I was just commenting to the trainer today about how much his grandson has grown in the five years I've been his client. Tall, 8 years old, he was just a toddler when I started at that gym.
ReplyDeleteMay you have the "oomph" to make it through the next phase, and "keep on keeping on" as you said.
I always say that any project will cost more than anticipated and take longer. I wish I were wrong at some point but I never am about this. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteBenny and I have our books, movies, and T.V. shows that really call our names. Luckily they are usually the same. We both love "Trading Places". We both love "North By Northwest" - me more than he. We both love "Blade Runner". "Rosemary's Baby". "Raiders Of The Lost Ark". "Once Upon A Time In The West". "Aliens". We both love M.C. Beaton. Agatha Christie. The Andy Carpenter series by David Rosenfelt. Love "The Andy Griffith Show". "Frazier". "The Rockford Files". "NTPD Blues". "Seinfeld".
"The X-Files". "The Big Bang Theory". "The Sopranos". "Lost."
We used to be real close to our son and now we are not. As people so often remind us, these relationships are like those in nature. Only ours for a short time. Make lots of memories.