My Own Worst Enemy

A slight weight loss - dipping below that 190-lb threshold when I've been fluctuating in that 191-195 lb level for MONTHS - triggers reflexive consumption of Tex-Mex, pizza, and other high-carb options, causing a slight rebound and also making me wonder where today's near-embarrassment originated...

The sauce on those crab cakes? Too many capers perhaps? But probably yesterday morning's disappointing, dry chorizo & egg breakfast burritos...

Maybe one of these years I'll learn?!?

Better Living through Biochemistry...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Well SparkFriends I feel a little better today, after allowing myself the indulgence of a good cry yesterday on my lunch hour...

I scrubbed out the truck last night to remove the last lingering traces of that smell of death, glad that I picked simple vinyl upholstery & rubber floor mats!

But yesterday I also had time for a brief gym visit, & I couldn't resist the allure of that big empty treadmill belt (yes I'll have to admit there was a certain element of self-flagellation there: so WHAT if it hurts my foot?!?). So I knocked out a slow n' easy 2.1 mi, that lil' dose of endorphins did me untold amounts of good!

And whaddaya know, my R foot didn't hurt at all! Today I feel a pleasant stiffness & soreness throughout my quads & lower back - however today I will concentrate on STRENGTH TRAINING + elliptical despite my burning desire to crank out a few more miles... I figure if I limit the running to 2 or 3 times per week, my foot will be alright.

I have been doing my toe-gripping exercises, wearing my Vibrams & my Yoga toes whenever I think about it. So far so good!

The Inverted Pyramid

Monday, May 16, 2011

...otherwise known as "8 1/2 weeks - holy sh!t!"

I got my confirmation-of-entry letter for Tevis (if I were as clever as some of my SparkFriends I'd scan it in) although it's nothing special at surface value: just simple acknowledgment that you've met their requirements, they've cashed your check, good luck on the ride!

The rest of the responsibility falls squarely on my own lap.

Last weekend I racked up another 50 under relatively mild weather conditions in Houston - damn, I was counting on that heat & humidity as training tools! Overall a great ride, w/the exception of our trial-by-fire: leaving the 3rd vet check (this was a point-to-point ride going around approx 2/3 of the perimeter of the airport), we had to go up the frontage road of the main entry of Intercontinental Airport... Two big car-hauling semis came thundering by & scared the bejeezus out of Baraq - he completely lost his mind! He was spinning in place, side-passing & doing basically everything BUT traveling in a straight line!

Zach & I had left out ahead of a couple of friends of mine, so once I got him safely around the corner we held back to wait for 'em - the mule had too much good sense to pass him, but once my friend put her good solid Appy gelding in front of Baraq, he settled down & would at least travel in a straight line!

Once again, our beautiful mule was perfection herself: flawless metabolics, ate & drank like a champion... She still has a bit to learn on doing our trot-outs & balked at loading up in the trailer to come home (I think she was enjoying the amenities of camp too much - extra rations!), but overall I could not be more pleased. When Baraq started his nonsense, my son advised me many times that I'd NEVER get him through Tevis - I said that's fine, you're just legging up that mule for me then!

It feels like a shaky inverted pyramid instead of a big solid base, but I'm going to buckle down & strive towards that goal - that big silver Tevis buckle is worth it!

A Nadir

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

(..."the lowest point; point of greatest adversity or despair")

Let us only hope this is the case. Some unholy combination of panic/ despair/hormonal imbalance/insomnia (insert malady here) has mushroomed into uncontrolled eating & an astonishing 6-lb LEAP up the scales!

(Yes, of course I know that can't possibly be 100% FAT - a lot of it is bloat but nevertheless very discouraging)

Scanning unflattering photos of myself from last weekend's ride don't help a bit; I keep telling myself "Who are you trying to kid? You'll never get through 100 miles!"



& that is far from the worst of the bunch - the worst show me slumped in the vet check area, looking for all the world like I'm 8 mos pregnant: terrible posture, protuberant abdomen, etc.

I did not feel as debilitated & fatigued as I did on my previous two rides in April, but then again it wasn't anywhere near as hot & humid!

I seem to be hurting myself rather than helping, w/my obsessive cyber-surfing as if I'm going to come across the perfect combination of motivation/support/similarity that would help propel me through a single DAY, let alone an entire WEEK of healthy behavior.

It's as if I want to ruin any chances I have, before I even start. What am I so frightened of?!?

A Wild Ride...

Friday, May 20, 2011

Yesterday was somewhat brighter, as I drank my "Yogi Tea" + lots of water, & urinated like the proverbial racehorse...

Down 3 lbs this AM which at least is going in the right direction. This feels completely insane, however - what kind of metabolism fluctuates almost 10 lbs w/in a single week?!?

(I raise my hand timidly to wave - oh yes, that would be ME!)

Today I'm fighting a dull headache which hopefully is partially detox as well as sinus pressure - it won't go ahead & just RAIN which we so badly need! Just a stubborn low-pressure zone of dark clouds & high humidity... Yes of course I need to ride this weekend, but we need the rain far far worse.

I'd better keep on track w/my gym visits, short n' sweet though they may be - I think they're the only thing keeping me w/one tenuous foothold on my commitment to good health! Hopefully more later...

(Another source of stress: can't blog from home computer; the "Add a Blog Entry" box stays up permanently, which computer-expert hubby cannot explain?!? As we wait for news from last week's interview - hope he lands SOMETHING soon; we're starting to get on each other's nerves! For once he's caught up w/all the mowing although there's ALWAYS farm chores to be done... However I don't want to feel like his taskmaster: "Honey, today you need to do X, Y, & Z!"
But neither is he a particularly adept house-husband - pot, say hello to kettle!)

My Recent Comments...

Friday, May 20, 2011

...on KINSBAILE's blog grew into what might as well be an entry of its own!

(She was questioning our involvement w/others in our fitness/exercises regimens, but above all urging us to go ahead, get out there & JUST DO IT!)

I was lamenting the fact that I seem to have the weird effect of extinguishing my spouse's enthusiasm for any given activity; it's the ol' hyper-competitive jock in me coming out!

A.) Shortly after we married, he bought me a bike so we could cycle together; we trained for a couple of MS-150's but has mostly left his bike sadly gathering dust in the garage these past few yrs... (he had successfully completed the MS-150 in Y2K)

B.) Now he KNEW I was a competitive horseback rider practically from the 1st day we met! - so I was greatly encouraged when he decided to learn to ride & we bought him his very own horse in '04...

Unfortunately a couple of limited-distance events were enough to "satisfy his curiosity", so to speak & nowadays he only rides his poor neglected pony 2 or 3 times a year! I was happy when he elected to come out & ride w/me a couple of weeks ago, but it isn't as if that ignited his enthusiasm...

(don't worry, Champ is such a GOOD horse that I ride him myself, or put inexperienced friends aboard; he's really not THAT terribly neglected!)

C.) Still have not found the perfect sport for my 12-yr old son, even though he'll still ride w/me, given the appropriate bribes ;-)
But I'd love for him to take up something (other than XBox) that we could do TOGETHER - while there's still time! (i.e. while he'll still hang out w/Mom)

He didn't enjoy soccer as a 1st grader (coach was too competitive; over the course of the season ALL of the little boys except Z & one other dropped out - we could barely field a team!), suffered through a depressing losing season on the basketball team as a 6th grader, & recently gave up his tae kwon do, due to lack of support from his father coupled w/increasing school pressure (schoolwork still has to be Job 1). I'd love for him to take up tennis (I was a fair enough tennis player way back when), but he has to understand it is not BASEBALL; he can't swing for the fences!

Postscript: I may have figured out that part of the reason for today's dull headache is likely DEHYDRATION, since I'm way behind on usual water consumption... Been too damn busy, w/my associate gone today for her church mission trip to Tanzania! but I just chugged 16 oz over these past 30 min & hopefully will FEEL BETTER soon...

Restart 2.1

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

So far, so good... Of course I shouldn't get way ahead of myself; my official workday hasn't even started yet!

But I made my blender of protein shakes to cover breakfast + lunch - I am SO not looking forward to today it's hard to put into words. There are no Sick Days/Mental Health Days/(insert excuse here) when you're the boss & your associate has taken 2 wks off to go on her church-mission trip to Tanzania. At least I will have Dr F's help on Fri, so it's just Mon/Tues/Wed I have to hold down the fort all by my lonesome...

It used to be in years past that I appreciated the challenge of these busy spring & summer days (spring & summer are the busiest seasons for a vet clinic), but yesterday I dragged home w/my feet aching, my shoulders & upper back a knotted mess of tension... Didn't have time to go by the gym for even the tiniest bit of stress relief... I did a few perfunctory yoga poses before collapsing into bed, dreading having to get up & do it all over again today & tomorrow.

I have to keep reminding myself that I CHOSE this lifestyle - what makes this week even more unmanageable is the fact that my head receptionist is ALSO off, so that makes the scheduling even more chaotic (yesterday we were double-booked on appts ALL DAY LONG, but at least there were only 3 surgeries)... I might just kiss Toni when she returns to work tomorrow. There's an ugly rumor that she might be hunting for a better job - it's true, I would hate to lose her, but it's certainly true that no single person is irreplaceable (not even ME!).

This entry has veered off far from its imagined course - what I was mulling over in my head this AM was the slow consolidation of my Tevis plans, of which first & foremost must be at least getting back to where I started from... These past couple of wks, it's been a precipitous jump UP 6 lbs, DOWN 3, back up 1... Putting me at 217 as I fill my thermos this AM. I made a new FB friend who offered helpful hints from CA - she lives in the immediate vicinity of The Trail, will be crewing for mutual acquaintances at Tevis, & has recently lost 15 lbs w/"more protein less carbs and the carbs that you eat should be very very high in fiber as to cancel out - drink 1/2 your body weight in water"

Whew. I know I will only be a half-hearted adherent to her principles at best - I should know from long hard experience that radical diets A.) don't work & B.) don't last as long-term behavioral changes... (a thread celebrating another friend reaching "goal weight" as he was shedding a few lbs to get through the Old Dominion ride next month; he was joking that he'd ride NAKED if he had to!)

but now it's off to work w/me, like it or not - hopefully a daily progress report later! (if I'm lucky I'll even get in a gym visit)

What Kind of Fool Am I?

 ...not the "Fun" kind, that's for certain! My employees certainly must serve as my captive audience as I gossip about the latest McMillan debacle (eldest daughter pregnant, middle daughter may soon be if they don't supervise her interactions with 21-yr old boyfriend! & youngest daughter running amuck - flunking out of HS, stealing vehicles & lying about EVERYTHING! Could I have done any better by her?)

I'm just relieved to have only one offspring to support/ride herd over as I speculate how many more years Z will expect full support: is he actually making more of a seamless transition to wannabe trust-fund baby? Time shall tell...

Trying to start this week off right...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Step 1 was getting on those scales this AM: 213.5

A pleasant surprise; I wouldn't have been surprised to see a slight gain after the Easter candy! (I have a fond memory, almost 10 yrs ago from a ride we hauled off to Wyoming to attend: one of my colleagues spoke out as we were standing in line for dinner...

"Do you know what's great about endurance riding?" (there was a pause in the crowd as in an old E F Hutton commercial)

"After you ride 50 mi, you can eat WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!")

So I guess riding 50 mi did SOMETHING for my metabolism!

But I don't understand all my SparkFriends who post pictures of these beautifully-prepared meals - I brought a bag of salad stuff to eat this week; my arugula is rapidly yellowing so I may only get 1 more salad out of that box. MY combination breakfast/lunch did not LOOK very appetizing since I threw it together so fast - as I said, the arugula was turning yellow, the avocado had dark spots, & a few of the spring greens had slimy edges - but w/a handful of slivered almonds & a splash of the sesame-ginger dressing I found, it tasted great!

(As usual, I charged out the door this AM w/out eating breakfast, but I give myself a thumbs-up for grabbing the salad fixin's.)

Another figurative pat-on-the-back for passing up the movie popcorn last night; we went to see the remake of "Arthur"... Of course that was probably canceled out by the Reese's PB eggs ;-) but oh well, I look forward to my next goal, getting BELOW 213!

(The new Arthur was amusing; Russell Brand tries hard but he ain't no Dudley Moore! I promised my boy we'll watch the original on Netflix.)

Unclear on the Concept

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

"... we all have the right and the need to eat, no matter how much we weigh."

I keep butting my head against this exceedingly simple concept; somehow in some mythological perfect world, some part of me seems to think that if all were good & right, I would be able to banish my hunger pains forevermore, subsisting on righteous salads, carrot sticks & the occasional piece of fruit...

www.fatnutritionist.com/

(Giving credit where due; this is one of my favorite blogs... But obviously I need to study harder!)

Today I got one more good salad out of the greens I took to work on Mon - roughly a $10 investment, so that works out to about half what it would have cost me to go order a salad in a restaurant. The problem being that when I go to a restaurant, I'm usually tired & want a TREAT... 30+ yrs after I commenced this war w/my body, I still have a hard time treating myself w/anything OTHER than food!?! Anyway, I could have posted a truly UNappetizing photo of my last avocado - it had gotten soft & looked completely rotten**, but when I went ahead & cut into it, the center portion was still edible.

(Another favorite blog "Free the Animal" freetheanimal.com/ posts pix of what Richard calls "food porn"; I could call mine "food Puritan"!)

**it really makes me feel a little sick & certainly quite WASTEFUL, all the fruits & vegetables which have rotted in my refrigerator over the years!

I've dragged myself reluctantly to the gym these past 2 days, putting in a perfunctory 20 min on the elliptical & 10 min or so on the machines, the bare minimum that hardly causes me to break a sweat. I think fondly of my marathon TM sessions when I soaked a T-shirt & staggered off leaving a trail of sweat droplets; it was hard but felt as though I'd really DONE something.

I miss running more than I ever thought possible. Still procrastinating seeking out a 2nd opinion on my poor flat, battered feet...

& last but not least, dreaming of a decent night's sleep tonight... Awakening at 2:40 AM & only dozing fitfully thereafter does NOT make for a happy & productive day! Since I had the gym to myself, I actually dragged a couple of mats into the corner over lunchtime to lie down for a short "power nap"... (If anyone had come in, I could have claimed a deep meditative state ;-)

One Small Step...

Saturday, April 30, 2011

...towards my rehab was hopefully taken today when I bought these shoes:

www.vibramfivefingers.co
m/products/Five-Fingers-Ko
modo-Sport-Womans.htm

It was hard to cram my crooked lil' toes on my L foot into 'em, but felt good once in place. I only wore 'em for a couple of hrs doing household chores this afternoon. They are supposed to stretch & condition the muscles of your feet - I could feel it, but I didn't want to make myself sore. Guess I've been shifting weight to L since I've been getting pains on the OUTSIDE of L foot at work this week - gimme a break!

I have also been to the gym for short sessions on elliptical for 4 d this week - real achievements each time since I've felt really blah & out of sorts - as I mentioned, I was so damn tired on Wed that I lay down for a short NAP!

Then I backslid last night, when I took a few of my employees to a sports bar: eating nachos, drinking beer, eating buffalo chicken sandwiches! I was bloated & miserable - came home & lay on my meditation mat for a full 45 min; it was truly wondrous how it "disappeared" my GI discomfort! but then I had to heave my stiff carcass off the floor & stagger off to bed.

Today I made myself some "detox tea" - a Japanese herbal concoction... Still feeling not too great but plan on making tomorrow a true Day of Rest. Hopefully that will put me back on track.

Wretched Inconsistency

Monday, May 02, 2011

...might as well be my middle name these days, as the scales tick upwards AGAIN in my never-ending seesaw at the edge of my plateau.

(I know it's mostly water: too much sodium imbibed along w/the junk food last weekend; insufficient water, insufficient exercise - even as I pat myself on the back for going to the gym AT ALL, as crappy as I've felt!)

I'm not stressing about the leveling-out process, but I AM at that fish-or-cut-bait stage of wondering if this IS "The New Normal". Over this past year, in many ways I have made tremendous progress insofar as keeping regular exercise as a part of my routine, trying to eat my veggies & get adequate SLEEP... & this is the range my weight has settled into: approximately 6 lbs of variation between 212 - 218. Of course I'm not terribly pleased w/this although it's better than my 100-kg + days.

So I continue to tweak my Primal diet (as I fork in the two leftover salmon patties from Sat-night dinner; I grilled 'em w/a honey-mustard glaze & stirred dried dill weed into the Greek yogurt that Z didn't like as a condiment), try not to stress about things too much, & postpone once again having a heart-to-heart w/DH... (another inconsistency is his SNORING: if it WERE consistent, it would be easier for me to pronounce the inevitability of separate bedrooms. But when he sleeps on his R side w/his neck angled "just so" on his special anti-snoring pillow, it's alright! So we will just overlook last night, hmmm?)

I did my elliptical workout yesterday in my Vibrams but left the house w/out 'em this AM; I'm DYING to try a short amble on the TM...

Lacking Inspiration...

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

...I post this report from a friend who successfully completed that Easter weekend ride I opted out of: (yes, that is my friend Lucy mentioned; her horse threw a shoe, went lame & therefore failed to complete)

Ozark Trail 100
April 2011

Paul Sidio is my friend. We have ridden several 50s together and one previous 100. When I heard that he had the idea of doing a point to point 100 in the extremely remote Ozarks in So Missouri I was immediately interested. When I learned that no one had made it more than 65 miles, in the last ride, I did have a bit of concern. So, when Paul asked if I could help clear part of the trail, I took the chance to help and preview the course at the same time. The trail was no worse than the Shawnee National Forrest and that is where we normally train and ride. I took some advice and invested in Vettec for additional hoof protection.

The week before the ride featured my 2007 ford developing a head leak. The truck could not be repaired in time and Sandy’s truck could not pull the live aboard. Our only option was a stock trailer and a tent. Sandy said, “great, I love a tent”. She was not being sarcastic and is such a trooper.

Sandy, the super crew!

We went to the ending spot, which was a horse campground called Brushy Creek near Black Mo. As we set up our tent outside the stock trailer, I had the thought that the Clampets had arrived. We slept in the tent through a night of raining and headed off to the Bass River resort for the start.

Barry and Linda Cole were the race directors. They took Paul Sidio’s vision and had the courage and daring to run with it. They are to be admired. I do!

Lions

Nine riders started the ride in the 100 and one in the 75. We were supposed to start at 5:45. It started to rain. The Forest Service predicted rain and more rain, which meant seriously swollen water crossings. The race start was pushed back. It was announced that the race plan was modified and that we would find out more later but that we would not be riding point to point. We would ride down the trail until the 20 mark and meet our crews. Sandy is as thrilled with Endurance as I am, but 100 miles is too far for her. Sandy is a wonderful crew and I looked forward to seeing her.

We all put on our rain gear and took to the trail. Lucy Estebook and her fine Arabian “Flyer” went to the lead. Kate and I went with her. We wound around the trail and had a blast together. We were the first though the “gate and go”, which was around 9 miles from the start. Lucy’s horse threw a shoe and she had no boot. I gave her what I had. At the first Vet check, at mile 20 we were 18 minutes up. Sandy put a little smaller boot on Flyer.

Lions and Tigers

The race director told me to ride until I got to Hazel Creek Campground. He said I would know it when I came to a sign that said “Hazel Creek Campground”. We were told to turn around when we got to the sign. Off we went and Flyer was flying. I stopped to take a nature break and found Lucy on up the trail, across a small wide spot in the trail, that had a couple of picnic tables. There was no sign of a “Hazel Creek” sign and so we kept going. We eventually came to a sign that said that “Hazel Creek” was was 4.5 miles behind us. It was not our best moment. We turned around. We headed into the vet check knowing we had ridden at least 9 miles too far on the trail. Flyer was done as a result of the shoe issue.

As Kate and I started to leave, the co-race director was on the mobile to the race director. She said, “don’t leave, the race may have to be canceled because of flooding.” Someone started to pull Kate’s saddle. Then the race director said, “the other riders are across a creek that can’t be crossed now and here is what we are going to do. You can go on but you have to turn around and come back. As long as you do 100 miles you can ride back and forth. Just do a 100 miles.” I agreed, took off, went to the creek, and then turned and came back. Did I say it was black as ink out by now?

When I came back for the next vet check, I was told that the race had changed again and that the other riders were now on the same side of the impassible creek. I was told to ride until the next vet check. I did that. On the way the rain increased and it actually started hailing. Kate paused and seemed to ask me what I had gotten her into. As we racked along, I noticed two orange beads glowing in the brush off the trail. I went back and looked again. It was a large rattle snake coiled on some dead fall. We left him alone. I continued to ask Kate to step into raging creeks in the dark. She never missed a step. She did step into a deep spot in one crossing that left me thinking we were going under.

Lions, Tigers, and Bears

We got to the vet check, and the race director said I had to ride some extra miles, to make up the section where the others had crossed the creek that I couldn’t cross, and I did that. At one point, I was told to ride down a trail following glow sticks for 5 miles. I did that and on the way back I noticed that a second set of glow sticks were on the trail. I was in a loop. 5 miles became 7 miles. I could not find my way back to the vet check. It started to rain again. It was 2:30 am and I had been sopping wet 17 hours. I called out loud for help. No answer came back. I was on the verge of panicking. The only thing I could think of was to get off of Kate and sit under a tree and wait for help. I realized it might take days to get that help. I was desperate. It was time to pray. I did just that and got the answer of which way to go. 15 minutes later and I found myself at the vet check where the other riders were waiting. We all did 4 miles of road riding and the race director told us to head down the trail for 10 miles to the finish.

Kate was in racking mode and off we went. A mile later, Kate and I came to a point where the trail went into a larger trail that made a sharp right turn. It had an OT sign on it but it did not look right. I went backwards on the trail, and found my friend Paul and the other riders and asked if there was a road ahead. I heard “what road” back from the dark. I turned Kate around and we went back to the sign and headed down the wider trail. I heard the others behind me. I turned and went back to where they were and they were gone. I could not believe it. I called for them. I called loudly. I heard nothing.

So, I went back to the vet check again and the vet crews were gone. I turned around again and went the mile back to the sharp turn. I knew something was wrong. I looked closely at the OT sign and saw there was a second OT sign behind it and a smaller trail. At 4:30 am, in the rain and with wet bifocals, I simply could not see the second sign. I was elated to have found the right way on trail again but realized I had once again given away the lead. Worse, I would now have to hustle to finish within the 24 hour time limit.

We were now well over 100 miles, not including the back and forth over the last few miles at the wide spot. We had 10 miles to go and Kate acted like she was starting the event. We racked on. I watched the GPS and the clock and I knew it would be close. The trail wound around so much it became maddening. Dawn broke and it stopped raining. By 7 am I had 35 minutes to finish and I knew that if I could stay on Kate, we would make it.

We racked into the final vet check to find my Sandy’s beaming face and what sounded to me like thundering applause. Everyone thought I was lost. Sandy knew we would make it somehow. I had a problem. I could not get off of Kate. I could not raise either leg. Sandy and another helper took my feet out of the stirrups and I hugged Kate and rolled to the ground. Once Kate completed I was standing talking to Sandy and all of a sudden a wave of emotion swept over me and I started crying. I felt like a complete goober but I really couldn’t help myself.

I had gone from elation to despair to elation and been wet and cold for 24 hours. Our finish time was 23:35. The other riders had done their 100 miles. Not including the riding back and forth at the wide spot, Kate had carried me 119 miles and finished 15 minutes behind the leaders. I love this horse.

Lions, Tigers and Bears, OH MY!

Kate ended up placing 6th and I was thrilled. Kate and I got a special “hard luck award” due to our having done all the extra miles.

It has been my pleasure to have completed over 80 triathlons, 2 Ironmans and 10 x 500 mile biking events. This race was the hardest thing I have ever done. The trail is not impossible as 6 of us completed the event. However, you need to have a really tough horse, a crew and a good attitude. I would also say that faith would be important. It sure was for me.

I will cherish my belt buckle the rest of my life. Thank you Barry, Linda and Paul!
Rack on my friends. ( Well. Many of you can “trot on”)
Keith and Kate
Got to go hug my horse, well, as soon as I wake up.

Recalibration

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A few tears stung the corners of my eyes when I folded her limbs gently into the freezer, and that at least was a hopeful sign! (However, at that time I had to GET TO WORK & had no further time to spare feeling sorry for myself)

I'd been up since 4 AM - unable to sleep, unable to accomplish much of anything productive on my sore feet, unable to allow myself to weep for a Very Nice Young Mama Dog who I hope enjoyed her month of "Happy Farm Life" (minus a few days' minor discomfort after hysterectomy & heartworm treatment) before meeting her untimely end...

My mother compiled a huge elaborate baby book when I was a child - I've been able to study the minutiae of my daily growth & development, every minor illness, first tooth, first lock of hair, etc - you get the picture! For some reason I always enjoyed my parents' reasoning in selecting my name; "Worthy" was one of the meanings.

I feel most UNworthy after causing poor Demeter's death due to my forgetfulness/carelessness/stu
pidity. I know in some small part how parents of accidentally-baked children must feel - of course not making light of their crushing burden of pain & guilt in any way, shape or form! But every summer when these deaths are reported, the hue & cry goes up: "How COULD they 'forget'?!?"

Something like this: Demeter would jump in any open car door & make herself comfortable, eager to "go places"... On Sunday night I had to move the horse trailer & she ensconced herself in the back seat. I knew she was there, but got busy & then distracted doing other things. When the combination of sore feet + evening fatigue started to wear me down, I closed the truck door & forgot all about her...

I never take a census of the big dogs in the morning since they're usually off to patrol their territory before dawn's early light, & on this occasion I claim fatal distraction since Orange-Fluff barn kitty did NOT show up for breakfast as usual...

So off I went on my normal school/work circuit, leaving poor Demeter to her unhappy fate. I only hope it was over quickly for her... She had stretched out calmly on the back floorboard; there were no signs of a struggle & she didn't even trash my truck. It wouldn't do any good to blow my stack at Hubs (who was home all day) - 1.) He just doesn't think that way & 2.) I'M the one who's supposed to be the big animal caretaker anyway! [pity 'em]

"...they experience one forgetful moment that will haunt them forever..."

There's the money quote. A few years ago, my aunt accidentally locked her bulldog in her Cadillac... We all offered soothing words & platitudes, but nothing but tincture of time will moderate this.

In hyperthermia cases, he believes, the parents are demonized for much the same reasons. "We are vulnerable, but we don't want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we'll be okay. So, when this kind of thing happens to other people, we need to put them in a different category from us. We don't want to resemble them, and the fact that we might is too terrifying to deal with. So, they have to be monsters."

& that quote is from this heartbreaking article - have Kleenex handy if you click over.
www.washingtonpost.com/w
p-dyn/content/article/2009
/02/27/AR2009022701549.html


The damnable thing is, in a moment of reckless optimism last week, I re-submitted my Tevis application - I figured I'M not getting any younger but Baraq seems to be at the top of his game. I know I'm the weak link but I think I can gut it out. Part of me wants to call their office immediately & withdraw, another part demands that I "earn this". Not that it would matter one hill o' beans to Demeter; she just liked to sit on the couch & cuddle.

Fartholio Rides Again

 Since I seem to be determined to test my GI tract in all possible permutations & combinations: will THIS Tex-Mex joint's cuisine result in the usual bloating, indigestion, & diarrhea? (El Fenix - YES)

Will onion rings from Sonic at one venue vs another cause less belching & flatus? (NO)

So if Woo calls herself Cornholio with her "walking & chattering to self" routine, my obvious not-so-secret identity must be Fartholio... I'm relieved that I made the right call in selecting Christina as my avatar on the Ozark Trail; she & Baraq did me proud! Too bad I couldn't follow up with one stinkin' LD 2 wks later (15 mi on my lil' pogo stick gave me all the misery I could stand; the blister on my L hand is just now healed)

Never Enough...

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Had a minor flash o'insight yesterday as I skimmed a couple of my neo-Paleo blogs (Free the Animal, Mark's Daily Apple) - I realize a big stumbling block is my own perfectionism:
I want everything to be "Just So" w/perfect atmospheric, seismographic, & photographic conditions before I plunge fully into my wonderful new lifestyle...
Yet of course that's never gonna happen - "It's Always Something" & I must accept these vicissitudes of life if I'm ever going to get on w/LIVING vs this measured existence I grant myself!
(Thought I'd already been through this) but I hereby grant myself permission to start incompletely; to do SOMETHING even if it's not perfect, & quit beating up on myself...
I'm all I'm ever gonna get, after all!
(& completing last weekend's 50 under adverse conditions really DID give my ego a boost. Maybe I'll keep you after all, Baraq ;-)

A Jumble...

Monday, April 18, 2011

...of thoughts pile up in my brain when consciousness looms close. It's like one of those closets crammed full of junk, which all starts avalanching down when I start to think things over...

Of course when I THOUGHT the edge of my plateau was in sight, the ol' carcass piled on an extra 2 lbs from God knows where (fluid retention? hormones? too much sodium or MSG?) as if to prove to me "Oh no, not YET"!

My new "Sleep Therapy" CD does seem to be helpful, if only from the standpoint of giving me some designated relaxation time as I prepare to go to sleep.

www.isabellacatalog.com/
p/SleepTherapy.cfm

The downside? I guess it's a turnoff to my husband, for me to be lying there, sleep mask in place & headphones on - but I've already spoken to him about how my lack of decent-quality sleep seems to be driving me slowly I*N*S*A*N*E - he's either w/me or he's not. (He's a hard one to elicit communication from; I do what I can but quite frankly I'm tired of beating my head against THAT particular wall! I have to just RELAX & take his actions at face value.)

More later - I was hoping that typing things out would be helpful as I get my day organized.

Suspicious Minds

Monday, April 18, 2011

In those early-morning hours, my thoughts first drift towards my son as I awaken...

(He's not here - no need to wake him up, start the shower for him, pack his lunch)

Damn straight I spoil him - he's my only (human) child & all too soon he'll be all grown up, gone permanently where I can no longer kiss his face, snatching progressively shorter opportunities for hugs & hand-holding... But for now he'll still squeeze onto the couch between us, casually slinging his leg over mine. My heart constricts w/the exquisite agony of these precious moments - to me it feels like they've been too few & too far between.

I punish myself w/this extra load of adipose tissue I lug around in a cruel mockery of pregnancy (is it just a strange coincidence that I don't seem to be able to get past this weight which almost exactly matches where I was almost 13 yrs ago at full term?!?) Breastfeeding was the most dramatic weight loss I've ever experienced: I lost 25 lbs in those first 6 wks, then another 15 as the drama of the next 18 mos unfolded, the unraveling of a marriage...

I was never bikini-model thin, but I remember my dull panic: I could lose WEIGHT but I certainly couldn't lose HEIGHT - the GF was a petite lil' stick figure. If that was my husband's "type" why on earth did he ever profess to love & marry a big Amazon like me?!?

I find myself awash in these nonproductive Ancient History battles as I await my son's return from his weekend at his father's - he sounded completely beaten down, tired & discouraged when I spoke to him on the phone. These days I'm torn between cautious optimism (he's almost 13; only 5 more yrs until he's off to college & adulthood!) & futile anger at all that he's been through & yet has years more to endure. My friends & family are undoubtedly sick & tired of hearing me bemoan the choices I've made - legal decisions which I thought were the best path at the time - which obviously have worked out well for ME, but at what cost to my SON?!?

It wouldn't be so hard if it seemed that Z got the least bit of joy or satisfaction out of his time w/Father Dearest...

I know taking care of myself & living well is the best revenge, but avoiding sinking into the swamp of depression & alienation is damned hard at times.

Forced Meditation

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I've known for years that yoga/meditation would be good habits for me to pick up... I've been in sporadic yoga practice for YEARS (more on that later**) but have never been any good at sitting quietly w/my thoughts. Are you kidding me? There's stuff that needs to be done, & contemplating my navel is NOT one of those chores!

Nevertheless, in my recent "home spa" splurge I bought myself a bonafide meditation cushion w/a cylindrical pillow for my wrists:
www.isabellacatalog.com/
p/Herb-Infused-Organic-Med
itation-Set.cfm
(The blurb promises to fast-forward you to meditative nirvana ;-)

& not being content w/going HALFway, I went ALL the way w/this "Therapeutic Massage Mat":
www.isabellacatalog.com/
p/Therapeutic-Massage-Mat.cfm

I suppose of the two investments, so far the mat is "winning" if only bcz it appeals to the masochist in me...I have attempted a couple of short meditation sessions w/the herbal pillows but not surprisingly, continue to have trouble calming my racing, anxious thoughts.

However, the first attempt I made to lie upon the mat had me getting up quickly & putting on a T-shirt - you gotta be kidding me, those lil' lotus flowers are SHARP! But now I've done a couple of sessions in sports bra + underwear & they're right, you DO get used to it...
After a few min, the prickling sensation diffused into warmth & I found my thoughts coalescing into singular concepts - hard to describe but comforting to me in comparison to my usual zapping around between the Top Ten things on my to-do list. I still got up after 20 min - spending the recommended "45 - 50 min" seemed impossibly indulgent!

I seemed to sleep better than usual that night - only 1 potty break, & my sleep seemed deeper & more restful.

Last night was not as big a success - my son was playing XBox so the muffled sounds of gunfire & explosions filtered out to me. I never achieved that "Om" feeling, but rest assured I will be trying it again!

How Much is Enough??

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sorry, SparkFriends, I'm off on another tangent today & will return to regularly scheduled reviews of products shortly ;-)

(Last night I didn't take the time to lie on the mat; just listened to "Sleep Therapy" CD - all was well until 1 AM, when hubby got fed up w/snoring dogs & woke us all up trying to rearrange everybody!)

But this week's crisis du jour concerns the unhappy coincidence of my dad's BD w/Easter weekend & an important RIDE... (Backstory: for the past several yrs I have helped out at this event which is managed by a friend/client of mine, so I didn't even think twice when she asked me several wks ago if I would work pre-ride exams in exchange for my own entry on Sat.)

Oopsie #1: tomorrow is my dad's 82nd BD. In my family, we tend to make a big deal out of the BD day itself. Silly me for thinking that THURSDAY would be an acceptable substitute, esp in light of what we have to celebrate!**

Oopsie #2: there's that other ride way up in MO also scheduled for this weekend which would have been great prep for my Tevis plans, but I realized w/the confluence of all these factors I might as well forget it. (Haven't heard from my friend Lucy either - she's probably en route as I type this today... Probably read all about it on our email list or FB in a few days!)

Oopside #3: Sunday is EASTER, also a big deal in my family which means I have to ride, rest up a little bit, pack up & come home Sat night. Church service Sun AM & family time thereafter; why should it feel forced & hectic?

** This year I'm lucky to have Easter w/my boy - I'm unbelievably proud of him for telling his dad that Thurs was MOM'S DAY since they're out of school Friday; even more startling that M backed off & didn't make an issue of it!

SO WHY ON EARTH SHOULD I BE STRESSED?!?!? All too often, my life feels like some weird circus combination of tightrope-walking & a balancing act. If I take time to myself, even though it may not be SPOKEN, I feel the implied judgment of my selfish ways. This is complicated by the estrangement of my husband & my parents - there's two extra categories right there: "Time w/Hubby" & "Time w/Parents". My folks are getting up there - still independent & capable, but I feel obligated to check in frequently, to help w/minor shopping expeditions & errand running, interpreting doctor's visits - in other words, remaining that dutiful (only) daughter.

Almost time to saddle up (figuratively today, but I can hardly wait for Sat morning!) & set out on my appointed path... Lord help me, I'm just doing the best that I can!

Hybrid Vigor

Monday, April 25, 2011

...is the genetic term for the improved health & vitality of an outcross like a mule, which otherwise is a "dead end" since the offspring of a mare & a jack is sterile.
www.myhorse.com/mule-bre
ed.html
(Good general article re: mules)
Our sweet girl Alex proved this w/flying colors this weekend, cruising through her first 50-mi ride w/ease (unlike me, but I get to b!tch & whine later, for right now it's braggin' time!)
Z was skeptical about pushing her to step up to a 50 when she's only done one 25-miler; typically w/a horse I would recommend doing a minimum of 4 or 5 25-mi rides as a foundation before being assured that they were up to the challenge. (Many endurance riders might compete an entire season doing only 25-mi rides to build an even stronger base - however, that can backfire when you suddenly ask a horse to go farther than they've ever been ;-) !
I assured him that we'd be keeping a close eye on her, & if either member of the team started flagging, we would quit & count that distance as a good training ride... (We do have strict veterinary controls at endurance rides, monitoring the metabolic parameters of the equines w/mandatory rest stops.)

An oppressive cell of heat & humidity had settled over N Texas - all week long I had watched those lil' thunderstorm icons over Sat & Sun; it isn't so much RIDING in the rain that bothers me, it's SADDLING UP in the rain! But the rain held off until Sat evening, which was in some ways a blessing & in many ways a curse...
A.) got little to no sleep Fri night in my sweat-soaked bedding
B.) the heat started getting to me again during the ride Sat - most of that due to inadequate water intake I'm sure. (should have worn my Camelback) So I suffered through intermittent spells of nausea & dizziness, but happy to report in the end that I DIDN'T PUKE.
1.) My friend's stepfather Al was once again piloting Amira: he tends to ride a horse like you or I would drive a motorcycle; get on, set your pace, & never vary! This inhibited my water consumption on that 1st LONG 25-mi loop...
2.) Going out on the 2nd loop, my boy asked for water & DRAINED one of my 20-oz bottles before we'd even completed the 1st mile! Of course I would never deny my child water, but I chided him for NOT drinking when we were at the rest stop back in camp!?!?!

Unfortunately Al's relentless pace took a toll on Amira; she got stiff in the hindquarters & was pulled for lameness after that 2nd loop (40 mi in) - this was a good thing for me since it enabled us to SLOW DOWN on that final 10-mi loop. Z asked me multiple times "Mom, can't we trot?" but that was possible only for very short stretches... Baraq had torqued my L knee, my feet were sore & my spine was jackhammered from his pogo-stick trot!

(I certainly didn't trot out sound at the finish ;-)

But Z basked in waves of praise for his lovely mule - nearly everyone commented how PRETTY she was, how sweet, how good! Hopefully this will inspire him for our next event May 14. (I did have to suffer through a litany of complaints as to why we couldn't just STAY HOME. Ah, the joy of parenting an almost-teenager!)

& on Easter Sunday, I took my mom to church & my dad to lunch afterwards in a belated-BD gesture. I feel as though I deserve a T-shirt: "I Survived Easter '11"

What Might I Post?

 ...4 short weeks from now: that I opted out of Ozark Trail, discretion being the better part of valor n’ all?

Perhaps those vaunted 20:20 hindsights after a failure, or (last bit not least) the slim possibility that Baraq & I might triumph? My B-boy was so happy with the tiny slice of Extra Mom Attention, he was posturing & puffing himself up last night as he threatened poor Kizzy, backing up to fire kicks!

Of course I know he can do it, it’s ME who’s the Weak Link. Day 1 didn’t go too great, with no exercise & nachos for dinner. That just won’t fly, my lil’ chickadee! (Reviews Gavin’s handout again: arugula, parsley, need to go buy some beef...) Athletes are made in the kitchen as well as in the gym.

You shouldn’t do it out of some misplaced sense of obligation - don’t make MORE work for Linda by hauling up there & washing out! Make it an honest try or quite frankly, give it up - you’ve questioned your “Endurovet” identity for some time now. Think it through!

A New Record...

Monday, March 21, 2011

...for me is having the anxiety dream ONE FULL WEEK before the event!

My next half-marathon is now 6 short d away, yet last night I dreamed I couldn't find my new SHOES - I was searching frantically through my older pairs, trying to decide which one could carry me through 13.1 mi...

I know I'm ill-prepared, but more worried about my son - I don't know at this point whether I should just forbid him to even try?? I know in worst-case scenario, we can walk it out in less than 4 hrs, but he'll still be in for a lot of misery. Strange how, almost 13 yrs into this voyage, I still have doubts about this motherhood gig! I know we've both been running on fumes for the latter part of our magnificent Spring Break, but he seemed ESPECIALLY irritating as he hounded poor Maddie yesterday until I raised my voice in frustration (& that STILL only bought me a few precious moments of peace!).

He accompanied me to the gym on Sat for a short workout; I believe he knocked out 2.5 mi while I did 4... I was going to count that as my tempo run & do a long run (6 mi) back-to-back yesterday, but opted out w/pain in my L knee & R ball of foot... So today I'll do my own long run; hopefully the cushioning pad I bought for the R ball of my foot will help. Guess if I can get my boy to do 1 or 2 more 3-mi training runs he'll be good-to-go!

In other words, I have to take care of #1 & hope that the rest falls into place...

A Fool's Errand...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Seems even more likely this weekend, when I threw my back out hauling my gear into the clinic this AM...
I staggered up, set down my tray of hoof tools to open the door, turned sideways to lean over & pick up the tray again & WHAM! a tremendous muscle spasm seized my lower back, so bad that I couldn't straighten up for a few moments...
All I can say is, thank God for ibuprofen & muscle relaxants - I had clients waiting on me, so bowing out to go to my chiropractor was NOT an immediate option. I took a handful of pills, stretched gently for a few min, & as I slowly kept myself moving the muscle spasms gradually eased up. (still giving me the occasional twinge here)
Crap! At least that's better than my poor girl Maddie; apparently her minor hip strain was actually a subluxation - she is undergoing surgical repair today** This means 6 wks on crutches, probably 6 mos before she can get back to riding again.

**her mom took her to the doctor yesterday; she hurt herself in an awkward dismount from her mare a couple of wks ago, but compounded the damage when she continued to try to run track events in school!

Yesterday I was trying to knock out one more training run, but after 1.5 mi I had to pause & rip the cushion out of my R shoe - it wasn't helping my foot pain one tiny bit, actually aggravating it. I limped through another half-mile before giving it up entirely... Another major problem was something I should have known better - exercising on a full stomach! Major indigestion, not a pretty sight.

My "friend" was there & it was hard to find the energy to even give him a pleasant smile - not that he would care in the least as I glimpsed the puffy, red-faced sweating clown in the mirror. More likely to scare him off!

I'll be able to go by my chiropractor over lunchtime, maybe try the elliptical but my prospects appear to be dimming by the moment...

The Day Before...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Here I sit, cooling my heels at the paintball field as I let Z & a couple of his buddies work out their pre-teen aggressions...
Then I'll drive boys home & we'll go to the Expo to pick up our race packets for tomorrow's half!
It's such a beautiful weekend; wish I felt better about this thing... At least I've had no further nauseating twinges of knee pain since Tues.
(Note to self: bring lawn chair for next session; these benches are HARD!)
May also have to resort to bribery to get Z out on the course in the morning; I'm torn between just leaving him in bed if I meet too much resistance vs what I'd planned on anyway, which is getting Z a new TV for his room...
I'm open to suggestions, & tired of typing on this tiny ph keyboard.
Hope to post one more pre-race update later.
Thanks to all my SF's for their unwavering support!

My Perfect Number...

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

...appears to be "7.5" - the rough estimate of the hrs of decent-quality SLEEP I got last night!

I finally got everything arranged w/proper temperature (the weather turned cold again, so I had to put an extra thermal blanket on the bed & put on pajama pants! also got dogs arranged just so ;-) - only had to get up ONCE to urinate (stopping hydration efforts after 8 PM), & lay awake for a relatively brief time @ 2AM, NOT letting my anxieties/worries get the better of me...

I woke up a half-hour before my alarm was scheduled to go off, & lay there in a pleasant doze w/lil' warm doggies by my legs, quite the treat! Hubby never went beyond a gentle rumble w/his snores either...

But anyway, I know everyone is anxious to hear about my "race", the Dallas RNR Half (I put race in quotes bcz it was about the farthest thing FROM a race for me).
As I mentioned, in the end I left my son at home - he had never put in any significant training, there was no point in making us BOTH miserable! I thought I had everything sorted out w/my painful R foot: new shoes, a thin coating of lotion, new Thor-lo socks... (over the past few wks, I have tried various pads & cushions which only seemed to aggravate this corn - of course w/my 20/20 hindsight I SHOULD have gone to my podiatrist beforehand)

The pain caught up w/me before I'd even finished the first mile... I shuffled along at my usual slow jog for the 1st 10 min, then tried to do my "Galloway intervals" of 90 sec jog/30 sec walk... Everything was fine EXCEPT the damned foot: in retrospect, I think it's bcz I "spoiled" myself w/too many TM miles - when I had to start watching my steps on uneven pavement, the pain flared up.

Things got a little better in the middle segment, when we cruised through Highland Park (a wealthy enclave in the middle of Dallas) - no broken pavement THERE! (Also porta-potties that still had TP :-) I kept on telling myself that if I quit, I would STILL have a painful foot, but no medal to show for my efforts & besides, what would I be teaching my son?

"Be a quitter" when our whole motto of endurance riding is: "To Finish Is To Win"... No, ya gotta believe in something so I choose to believe in that!

Watching that SAG wagon out of the corner of my eye got very tempting at times; it's funny bcz I don't REMEMBER seeing a SAG wagon at previous RNR events?? Maybe it's just bcz I have never been this far back in the pack?

I actually wasn't that far off pace - even though I had set a pie-in-the-sky goal for myself of 3:15, crossing the finish line in 3:37:54 only put me approx 7 min behind last year's time!

www.asiorders.com/view_u
ser_event_video.asp?EVENTI
D=75571&BIB=15041

Hope the link works - it's humorous for me to watch my gait change from a Grade II to a Grade III lameness as I transition from a shuffle-jog to a hobbling walk...
But hey, at least I FINISHED! My sweet boy even rubbed Perform pain relief gel on my poor sore foot afterwards, & I await whatever magic my podiatrist may be able to perform on Thursday...

Final statistics:
Finishing time = 3:37:54 (16:34 pace)
Number of porta-potty stops = 4
Number of porta-potties w/out TP = 1 (fortunately just for Number 1)
Blisters, chafes, or other fresh wounds = 0 (thank you Body Glide!)
Metabolic grade = A (no significant muscle soreness, cramps or stiffness; I drank Cytomax, Body Balance & took 3 Gu's during the event)

Overall, sweet success & another handsome medal to hang in my collection!

Grim News from Podiatrist...

Friday, April 01, 2011

...which has completely deflated me; I barely have the energy to type this:

Yes, that is a callus near the center of the ball of my R foot (there's a small one on the L too, but it's not painful YET) - but it's actually caused by the collapse of my 2nd metarsal arch. I have completely flat feet; in my radiograph there's not even the slightest HINT of an arch - but I've always known this, since childhood... My parents had me in fancy orthopedic shoes as a kid; I've had several series of the custom-made orthotics, always searching for that perfect shoe (I gave up on wearing practically anything BUT running shoes years ago)...

My podiatrist recommended surgery - an osteotomy which would put me in an orthopedic boot for at least a month - no DRIVING (R foot remember?) & we didn't even get into the implications of how much time I could reasonably expect to be able to stay on my feet (most of the time around here it's about 75/25, but there's a lot of wild n' wooly days where I'm hoofin' it from 9 AM until 6 PM - take just the other day for example!)... Of course I could take a week off, I can ask my husband to do a lot of driving - but bottom-line is I'm terrified that this is one small step on the road to decrepitude, I'm already researching nonsurgical alternatives, gonna start trying to build up the muscles in my feet (weight training for those toes ;-) !

& I wonder IF all these years off & on in orthotics have actually WEAKENED my feet instead of supporting them; I'm going to wear the fancy new "barefoot" shoes my son talked me into buying for him this weekend & see how those feel...

But for now I'm going to hit the elliptical; it doesn't hurt & neither does cycling (hubby & I took the bikes out for a brief jaunt in yesterday's beautiful weather). After all, Dr H didn't advise me to quit exercising!

A Pleasant Surprise...

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Since I was absolutely DREADING the concept of taking Baraq-o-rama out on the trails by himself this AM, I dragged my feet as long as possible: lounging on the couch this morning (where I'd sought refuge from Hubby's snores around 5:30 AM), accepting his peace offering of breakfast... & not loading up & leaving until after 10 AM.

The problem is that Baraq is not the kind of horse who is FUN to ride; it's constant vigilance unless my boy is in his Favored State - in companionship w/"HIS" mare - Maddie's Amira. Even then, he's a born follower, happy to trail along in the mare's wake...

Fortunately there were lots of other folks out to enjoy this pleasant day on the trails - Baraq was preoccupied w/cracks in the earth's surface, wildflowers waving in the breeze, butterflies fluttering by!! but we caught a glimpse of another party, probably half a mile ahead. Then I was able to concentrate on CATCHING UP - even better, they turned out to be endurance-riding buddies of mine! Talk about your lagniappes... from then on out, we had smooth sailing - Baraq was happy to have found companionship, so I was able to relax & actually enjoy this ride.

Another happy coincidence was that it turned out to be Robin's B/D, so after our jaunt we piled into a local Tex-Mex place for a meal. Almost made up for the fact that my boy wasn't home - I've got to put his mule through her paces tomorrow, which should be a pleasant duty.

Surgery: Hell no we won't go!

Monday, April 04, 2011

Now that I've had a little time to do some research, I am more hesitant than ever to even CONSIDER the possibility of surgery - at least not before I have exhausted every other possible option!

"...one half of the patients continued to have some degree of pain and most patients had limitations in footwear. Overall results were disappointing, and patients who are offered this procedure should be advised of its limitations."

One HALF = 50%?!?!? those look like pretty crappy odds to me, so I'm buckling down w/a mini-5% challenge to myself; that boils down to 10.8 lbs. If I'm too damn pathetic to step off this plateau, then I deserve all the misery that surgically cracking into my metatarsals nets me...

20 min on the elliptical = no pain from R foot. (I carefully peeled off the bandage Dr H had applied last night; it was getting pretty grody.) So far, so good. "One small step for man..."

True Friends...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

...don't attend an important ride without even MENTIONING it to ya, do they?!?

(No of course they don't)

I thought I had all my issues about my so-called "friend", riding buddy, & erstwhile Tevis companion worked out - we've exchanged a couple of emails over the past couple of wks (she had a bad experience at the ride Z & I opted out of attending, the last weekend in March since that conflicted w/my "Race of Pain", the Dallas Half - her horse was disqualified @ 40 mi)
- but I still felt a sinking feeling when I got my latest issue of our "Endurance News" magazine last night to see L listed amongst the finishers of the MS ride I opted out of at the end of Feb: I was in the process of investing in new truck & trailer, and the weather had been so variable I didn't want to take a chance of hauling out into the teeth of the last of the season's winter storm(s)!

Ah well - no harm, no foul**. It doesn't do to waste my energy wondering "WHY" L would have it in for me - I keep reminding myself it isn't ME, it's HER - no real difference from when I yelled at Hubby a couple of wks ago over another lack of communication... Our tiny Chihuahua Buddy had disappeared one night - I went racing outside to check the barn, the outbuildings, the chicken coop, coming back to the house w/a heavy heart (a small dog = coyote bait in our neighborhood; I DON'T leave the little dogs out after dark!) only to find that Hubby had checked Z's room & found Buddy peacably asleep w/him, but for some unknown reason didn't bother to stick his head outside & inform me??!!??

**Today I feel a pleasant soreness throughout most of my sinews (neck, spine, shoulders, legs) after my 1st 50 in over 3 mos... Baraq-o-rama performed admirably; a little time off doesn't seem to hurt HIS performance! But the sudden onslaught of heat & humidity last weekend nearly did ME in - I was suffering; w/out the support of my friend Al (who was riding Maddie's mare, Baraq's Best Buddy) & the foresight of ride management to leave an ice chest packed w/PEOPLE water at the out-of-camp horse trough, I would have washed out...
I was running out of water on that 4th loop - a 25-mi rider also gave me a Gu packet which did me a lot of good (psychologically at least). When I got back to the trailer I drank a pint of Gatorade but I still had to walk out most of that last 7-mi loop...

Now a new dilemma awaits: Al said he would also exercise Amira at our next ride which is April 23; I've already been asked to help out w/pre-ride exams, but that's also my dad's B/D! (in my family we tend to make a big deal out of such things) I'm hoping when I double-check my legal documents I can exercise my right to keep Z on Holy Thurs since Good Friday is a school holiday; that way we could take Dad out on THURS night, leaving Fri & Sat free for another horse-camping trip...

(I really have to take advantage of the training opportunities at each & every ride from here out if I have any reasonable expectation of heading out to Tevis this summer)

Idiocracy

"You are obese and sick BECAUSE you are IMPULSIVE."

Coupled with JT's thought-provoking tweet from last week: "If your actions don't align with your goals, then you don't have GOALS, you have FANTASIES."

It doesn't appear I will ever learn, as I groan with indigestion from fuckin' Popeye's chicken - I thought you had accepted that your formerly gargantuan appetite is more in line with that of a normal postmenopausal woman?!?

Galloway Intervals...

Friday, March 04, 2011

Today I made it by the gym to knock out my 4 mi - a little hard getting started, so after my 1st mi I started the "Galloway Intervals" (which I believe I originally heard of from LUV4CHOCOLATE): run 90 sec, walk 30 sec.

This seemed to enable me to pick up my pace a little bit, which is exciting! Who I'm worried about most is my son, who has barely trained at all - being young & reasonably fit otherwise only takes you so far. He was incredibly bored w/last weekend's trip to the gym; he did about 1.5 mi while I did 4... I told him good training can make the difference between having a lot of FUN vs having a completely miserable time - bcz MOMMA AIN'T QUITTING!

I suppose we'll set up as we did for the Turkey Trot - both carrying our cell phones... I'll put Hubby on alert that if Z washes out, he just has to stand ready to swoop by & pick him up - there's no such thing as a SAG wagon for this event!

I don't want to add anything to the already-heavy burden my son has to endure w/his disruptive schedule - before someone jumps my a$$ to accuse me of interfering in that all-important cultivation of The Paternal Bond - be careful; I don't suffer fools gladly! We're talking about the man who threatened BOTH of our lives, who waged a destructive & vindictive custody battle against me when I learned of the abuse/neglect my son suffered while under his father's "care", & who gives me shining examples virtually every week as to how little he truly cares for his son's welfare... The best I can hope for is that the love & support Z gets from me, his stepfather & his grandparents, coupled w/his ferocious intelligence & drive, is enough to sustain him into adulthood w/minimum psychological scarring inflicted by his father.

Sorry, I didn't really mean to go off on a tangent - funny what bubbles up in your psyche after a good run!

Idle Speculation

Monday, March 07, 2011

As I gingerly stretch my hip flexor - but my knee feels much better after a short elliptical session at the gym today, thanks very much!

Ai yi yi - I'm getting too old for this sh!t. Brought my angel-girl Alex The New Mule home on Saturday - here I was worried about the snapping tarp when I unloaded her from the trailer yet THAT wasn't the booger, it was the GOATS!
I led her down to the barn to put her in a stall for a while as she got acquainted w/her new home & companions... The curious goats trotted down just as I led her into her stall & she flattened me against the concrete as she sought an escape route...

I really don't know exactly what kind of damage I did - torque, flex, twist, bruise - as I hit the deck & bounced up again as quickly as I could to get out from under those hooves! My knee was pretty stiff & swollen, but today I feel soreness all the way from knee, up through hip flexors, lower back, & base of my neck. Geez.

So needless to say, I didn't get my "long run" in this weekend - I wore my lycra knee brace all weekend & today most of the swelling is down; went by the gym for warm-up on elliptical. Fortunately no pain WITHIN the joint.

Also fortunate that horseback riding is painless - I took Miss Alex out to our local trails when the winds died down yesterday & she did GREAT. She has a wonderful floating trot (which we didn't do very much of, taking it slow n' easy thank you very much!), but Momma needs to rig a bigger headstall for my big girl! (The throatlatch lacked about 6" but I managed to rig an extra strap for a temporary fix.) Everything was great until the dismount - apparently I startled her when I slid down & she jumped sideways - sorry, baby girl, Momma's fault!
She jerked the reins out of my hands & ran to the far side of the parking lot.

Mixed bag...

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Or, to borrow a line from Dickens: "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times"...
The good: lil' rescue terrier Lupita is doing fine; I spayed her last week & had to extract 2 fractured teeth, but she'll be fine. Struck out w/one potential new owner, but I'm sure the right owner will show up soon!
The bad: son came home completely exhausted after weekend at his dad's... Wouldn't go to karate, general Extreme Bad Attitude regarding everything (direct consequence of exhaustion). Full of q's about new truck, new trailer, & new mule until I called a stop to the interrogation... Felt suspiciously like he had been coached by his dad (Z's already made oblique reference to how child support must be underwriting new vehicle)
Is it paranoia if somebody truly IS out to get you?
The ugly: I cranked out 2 slow n' easy mi on the TM; knee feels internally unstable although no acute pain. Should not have gone w/out brace today!

Fed Up...

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

I realize I am an absolute glutton for punishment under certain circumstances, but I am just FED UP w/this so-called "friend" of mine...

I am tired of the snide comments which are made w/the very BEST of intentions, I'm sure - but still add up to a lot of insensitive & hurtful sh!t, there's just no point to it...

Maybe it's true, I just want all of my friends to be empty-headed Yes-men, but c'mon, give me an ever-loving BREAK! Ya gotta shine a little bit of support on me every once in a while; it can't be all stick & no carrot...

"I love how you pay out the wazoo for trucks & trailers, but don't want to pay much for mounts. Gotta skrimp somewhere"

I tell ya, it gives me a lot more pride when I make good mounts out of my rejects, renegades, & rescues than any satisfaction that would result from going out & "paying through the wazoo" for a ready-made equine. (Besides, L has NO EARTHLY IDEA how much I paid for Alex; overall the mule market has held its value much better than the horse market - I ain't no horse or mule trader besides! Ralph was asking the same price he had since I first went to check her out 2 yrs ago; he's an older guy who needs to move some equines out of his pasture & I wasn't going to haggle w/him.)

"The mule is Zach's? Hope he'll condition her."

I guess I should cut L some slack, since she's never been married & has remained childless. One of the few benefits to Z being away so much is that we can, in fact, SHARE her. I am hitting the jackpot this spring since I will have Z for the upcoming ride this weekend, as well as 2 rides in April & 2 in May. That's a significant chunk of mileage we can rack up together.

Of course every rainbow has a dark cloud behind it (or some other such awkward metaphor). Mr B bruised his L shoulder, acting the fool when Miss Alex came home: I don't think he got kicked, I think he ran into the hay rack or some similar immovable object in all the excitement. So he'll miss this weekend's ride; I'll just take the Hubby Horse, Mr Champ; we'll do Limited Distance (25 mi) & have a grand old time...

"10.5' are only for 1 or 2, but cramped for 3? How long do you need for 3, 4 or more if you have more than 1-2 kids? 4', 6', & 8' are uninhabitable?"

I know this statement makes no sense whatsoever, but she's referring to the size of the living quarters in my new trailer - I had made mention of the fact that it will be a bit crowded w/my 10.5' living quarters w/3 people (myself & the two kids this weekend; on Monday we'll be meeting up w/Maddie's dad for the handoff for the rest of HER Spring Break)...
L's own trailer has tiny 4' living quarters - which there again, is FINE for one person. I appreciate having the sleeper sofa, the full-sized fridge, & full shower in my bathroom. To each his or her own! Hell, L had joked w/me previously when I was first mentioning trading in the motorhome, how on earth would I fit all my stuff (& Z's) into a conventional horse trailer?!?

(We'll find out tomorrow as I make the final big push of packing)

Catching Up...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Well WE'RE BAAAACK from our fun-filled Spring Break jaunt (which wasn't exactly 100% "fun" but what is these days? I won't waste precious time b!tching about it too much here ;-)
But lemme tell ya, it takes more than 2 d to catch up on a solid week of lousy sleep... Yesterday I was a ground sloth (although I DID make it by the gym, that was my major achievement of the day), & this morning I am finally beginning to feel halfway-human again.

(& now my young man is awake; I was desperately hoping that he would sleep in a little later; it's only 8:30 so this will be a short update)

As it is w/most vacations, I basically threw caution to the winds so I'm dreading what those scales reveal Mon AM - hopefully not too much damage has been done. I took the kids to Dairy Queen for several visits; we "ate it up" like there was no tomorrow when we were visiting my friends at the coast. Unfortunately we didn't make it onto the beach for a ride, but just took a short jaunt around the neighborhood. (J discovered that her limit for riding, after 40-some-odd yrs, was about 30 min. We were out for an hour & her legs were paining her --- circulatory issues related to her diabetes. Thankfully Mr Champ performed flawlessly, understanding that this was a "slow n' easy" ride, & the stable had a mini-staircase like contraption since she offered therapeutic riding. I'll try to post a few iPhone photos!)

& thanks to SparkFriends for good advice - I've hardly concerned myself w/hurtful remarks from so-called "friends" - Mr B's shoulder seems to be alright so I'll ride him this afternoon.
Darlin' Miss Alex performed flawlessly, completing her 1st 25-mi ride at a moderate pace w/no problems. She was a good traveler & a great camper - Z is thrilled w/her as am I!

I don't even know where to start after this Interval of Weirdness, the Covid-19 quarantine (aka "The Chinese Virus" as my colleagues continue to bicker about it; dOn'T bE rAcIsT!!!) as we hopefully emerge into a less stressful period of summertime as mom continues her painfully slow recovery...

"she's chosen vagueblogging internet martyr as her life's work."

I've tried to avoid being vague; try to be as honest & forthright as I can be - yeah, I admit I play the "poor Val" card too often; my privilege is showing!

I pity da fool who tries to make sense of this disjointed mess - started sometime last month, for some reason feeling the compulsion to continue stringing these things together In Case Of My Demise (untimely or not).

Just Doin' It

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I don't want to jinx myself, but decided to make the most of this "day off that wasn't"** by recommitting to being more fully present in my daily life...

If that sounds like gobbledegook, yes it partially is - bcz I would be lying if I swore that I would never make poor food choices again, that I'm going to follow the Paleo path 100% (I like Robb Wolf's more real-life "80/20" objective), that I'm never going to waste my time lounging again...

**I had scheduled Wed - Sat off, originally planning to haul to that MS ride, but I seem to have guaranteed an early spring when I decided to cancel the trip - however, I left the days off as they were. Unfortunately I have to make a return trip to a client's farm this afternoon - it's easy for me to allow my free time to get completely subsumed unless I DO leave town! Anyway, it's a good deed that I need to do (client's hubby will be returning from Iraq in 3 wks so I count this "special favor" as my welcome-home gift for a serviceman)...

Z has to do a certain number of service hours as part of his religion class this year, so maybe this can count as some of mine ;-)

Needs/Haves/Wants

Friday, February 25, 2011

Just when i thought "Spring was in the air", this morning dawned cold, damp, & dreary - 41 degrees!

Another shining example of variability of TX weather: it's been muggy & humid since Wed, w/intermittent drizzle, but heavy thunderstorms crossed our area yesterday - late morning by the time they arrived in our section of the county. (seems like whenever I need to go to the feedstore, it RAINS) Guess that's the beauty of my new crew-cab truck - I could lay a couple of bags on the back seat to hold us over until it dries out...

Anyway, here's a shining example of why I did NOT select fancy leather interior for new vehicle:



As I was driving home through the thickening downpour, I saw a small dog by the side of the highway... I knew there was something abnormal about her attitude & posture - as I passed, I realized D@mn, she's been hit by a car!
I doubled back to scoop her up - even if she were doomed, I couldn't leave her to spend the last moments of her life in misery, drowning in a thunderstorm! She was bleeding from nose & mouth, I wrapped her up in my barn jacket, shooed the Chihuahuas away, & plopped her in my passenger seat. (Of course she bled all over it but as I said, that's the beauty of vinyl ;-)

She had pretty significant head trauma, but luckily no broken bones & only 1 broken tooth! I gave her emergency treatment yesterday; the bleeding stopped & she seems stable now...
(approx 10 mon old terrier mix, recent estrus - for all I know, she may have been chased into the road by male dogs. Of course no collar or tags; I'll scan her for a microchip but I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT.)

Hopefully I can place her in a decent home - we don't need another dog (she'll make Number 8), but I may be outta luck when my boy gets home today & sees her ;-)

I was speculating today about what I NEED to do vs what I HAVE to do vs what I WANT to do; I'm going to take this previously-scheduled morning off to take my dad to a gym that has Power Plate equipment, used for fitness training & rehab, & have him give it a try.

http://www.powerplate.com/us
/

Any way I can get more done in less time - sounds like a plan to me!

Close But No Cigar

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Seems like NOTHING is working out as planned this weekend...

As I've whined previously, I had originally planned to haul to a ride way out in MS this weekend to make another attempt at B-boy's 1st (successful) 100-mi ride... However, between tumultuous weather, going hand-in-hand w/lack of training, and my recent decision to join the rest of the crowd, upgrading my rig from the gas-guzzling motorhome to a conventional pickup & horse trailer w/small living quarters - it just wasn't coming together for me.

Last but not least was the coincidence of this being the 1st karate tourney of the season - after recent LOVELY turmoil w/the ex, Super Karate Mom needed to be there - it wouldn't have been fair to hand this responsibility off on my parents (more about them later**). Let's just say his heart wasn't in it; can't say that I blame him. This month has flown by for me too. He placed 3rd in his Specialty (weapons) class, but then again there were only 3 participants. Huge intermediate class of 20 for kata (forms), so once again he didn't place... & in sparring, he had the bad luck to draw Nico (last year's state champ) in the 1st round - so it was a hasty defeat - & to add insult to injury, the kid kicked him TWICE in the crotch & didn't get called for fouls.

We're both ragged out & trying to recharge now.

**& my big plans to introduce my dad to the rehabilitative potential of the Power Plate didn't pan out either: I had barely pulled out of my driveway Fri morning when he called to say he had changed his mind, he didn't want to try this newfangled device. Maybe I can talk him into it next week! I would have gone myself, but then I drove on & realized about 20 mi from home that I had failed to grab my purse out of the Kia (moron). My buzz was gone by the time I retraced my steps (very carefully) & retrieved my purse, so I just met a friend for lunch.

Class I, Stage 1

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

(If mere knowledge was power, I would currently be sitting here in my old favorite size 10 Lee jeans instead of XL scrubs...)

Anyway, I keep surfing obsessively, don't really know what I expect to find... Kinship/sympathy/similar life conditions??? I dunno, the word "compulsive" sounds uncomfortably close to the truth.

"Those that can, DO - those that can't, surf the Web!"

Anyway, I unearth new rating systems, such as this new Edmonton Obesity Staging System:


www.drsharma.ca/edmonton
-obesity-staging-system.html

This correlates BMI w/real health issues ("comorbidities" such as high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis, etc) in an attempt to make a more rational analysis. By these standards I am Class I (BMI 30 - 34.9; currently I'm @ 32.7), Stage 1 - mild physical symptoms (joint pain, early arthritis) & "mild obesity-related psychology and/or mild impairment of well-being". Fair enough.

Yesterday I got myself signed up for an 8-week challenge at my gym; I have tried unsuccessfully over these past couple of wks to get Hubby to sign up w/me. Generally things of this nature have the OPPOSITE effect on me (triggering my rebellious nature I suppose), but this doesn't cost anything so I might as well give it a shot!

(Saw "my friend" yesterday, the obese younger man - I smiled encouragingly but haven't even spoken to him yet. Maybe he'll join my team? ;-) - guess I'll wear my wedding ring today so he knows it's all for good clean moral support. (I scrub my hands very frequently & perform surgeries besides, so most of the time my wedding ring lives in my desk drawer.)

The Weary Warrior

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

...went by the gym today & it was FAR TOO CROWDED for the intimacy of taking photos in the big mirrors, so I took a few in the bathroom...

Not tech-savvy enough to rotate 'em!

(Notice the cheesy motivational posters: Charlie Brown & Lucy, "Never ever EVER give up!"

Current weight = 215 (gym scale, fully clothed). No time for measurements!


Front view gives horrifying appearance of far-worse-than-they-are-batwin
gs...


Side view of poor posture


Actually the ol' arms aren't that bad, there is some muscle tone!

You'll just have to wait to see the legs ;-)