...with SparkPeople scheduled for shutdown at 8 AM ET manana, I'll hastily scroll through these last few years to select my "highlights":

Endurance Progression

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Definitely in my younger days, I'd climb aboard anything that'd let me get a toe in the stirrup...

(Needed mounting block since age 40, when darling Quig stretched my hip flexor for me ;-)

Looks like I'm right on track w/Mr B - FINALLY raised him up right, at 12 yrs old & just a smidge under 15 h...

...& by the time I turn 55, he'll be 17 & hopefully still "Great!"

Parenting 101

Thursday, December 18, 2014

My fellow parents will understand: raising child(ren) is quite challenging ENOUGH, even w/a supportive partner or lacking that, a dedicated co-parent (i.e. ex-spouse)...

It's disastrous when parents are pulling in opposite directions; your poor child can't help but be torn apart, literally & figuratively!

One consideration over the months & years M & I argued over having "a child of our own" was that at least I thought, in a unified household, that my permissive tendencies would balance out M's fascist** ones... Believe it or not (since obviously most of what I do HERE is vent, b!tch & moan), M DOES have some positive qualities: an unbelievable Type A work ethic, mad skillz to do repairs on practically anything, occasional flashes of humor (yes we did have some laughs in our younger days)... Over these difficult years I've told Z many times that his father seemed to be a nice guy when I met & married him; I honestly don't know what happened over the yrs to convert him into this petty tyrant.

**Z calls his father "Hitler" & compares me to Gandhi - however in our recent rare example of consensus, he warns that I'm in danger of being overrun by Fascism. And, as usual, M takes things way too far... Explanation forthcoming:

M is incensed that I've let Z experience small slices of precious freedom w/his car - taking that road trip w/the football team at the end of Sept, not being terribly strict about curfew (w/understanding that Z leaves the tracking app active on his ph) - maybe I'm naive but I BELIEVE MY SON when he assures me he would never drink & drive. He hasn't given me any evidence to the contrary (yet) - famous Last Words, I know, but the way I see it, Z is going to be off to college in less than 2 yrs, he should be practicing some life skills (navigating around town - yes, even when he misses an exit & winds up circumnavigating the Metroplex!), balancing social life w/schoolwork NOW so he doesn't crash & burn when he's free & clear in the young adult world...

This past weekend Z returned from wrestling tourney Sat night - he had already put in his request to put in appearance at friend's BD party, since he assured me he'd gotten some sleep on the bus, I agreed... & on what promised to be a late night anyway, I'd rather he stay in town w/that friend rather than hit the road for a 60-mi trek Sat night amongst many other foolish young (& not-so-young) partygoers...

My mistake was not confirming w/the other mother - somehow an overnight guest wasn't OK, Z wound up taking several other friends home, & got a speeding ticket hitting the home stretch at 4 AM. Funny thing, my Mommy Sense (well that & a full bladder ;-) awakened me at 4:20 - when I saw Z's car was motionless on I-45, I got up & got ready to charge off into the night. He tried to slip silently into the house at 4:40, but I was waiting for him.

Needless to say, his driving privileges are suspended for finals week through Xmas break, but his father is apoplectic... After weeks of threatening, he suspended Z's DL yesterday. I feel bad for showing Z the TM, but mea culpa - I was tired of the unending begging & pleading ("Mom, you'll be RIGHT THERE w/me!!!") It's been a major inconvenience, being back on carpool duty, but them's the breaks...

However it was a crushing blow to Z yesterday - he immediately called M to begin arguing w/him to no avail. That was completely unnecessary; we had things under control. Now he says he won't go over there for Xmas break - while inwardly I'm cheering, right now I'm waiting for my lawyer to get into his office so I can find out what our legal options are... Z didn't need this sh!t in the middle of finals week - I've been worried for a while that if M doesn't let up on this unrelenting pressure, let the boot off Z's neck, he really WILL completely break down. Talk about teenaged rebellion, M's going to trigger one!

Happy Holidays

Saturday, December 27, 2014

The gentle touch on my shoulder, a soft kiss on my cheek - my heart fluttered as I turned my head to smooch my big boy... I'd been grabbing a few minutes' R & R in my massage chair yesterday afternoon before diving into the kitchen to make my side dishes (sweet potatoes & cornbread dressing).

Life is almost perfect again - got my boy back HOME where he belongs... M even delivered him to Grandma's house as requested, I was able to take a late lunch over there while Z opened his gifts, then onwards towards home where P had been cooking up a storm!

I couldn't stop laughing when Z asked P "When are you going to make me shepherd's pie again?" as we had just filled our plates w/the bounteous Xmas dinner P had prepared... I told P later that was Z's way of telling him how much he liked his cooking!
Mommy made her special extra-spicy Chex mix (Z's been eating that crappy cheesy Chex-mix-in-a-bag & I told him my homemade stuff is SO MUCH better) & we piled up on the couch to watch 2/3 of the "Lincoln" movie which P got for Z. (He got ME the sci-fi I requested, "Edge of Tomorrow" - gold star for hubby!)

Today I have to take Z downtown for a service project - making sandwiches & serving at a homeless shelter - & tomorrow we'll go down to the coast for a few d visiting w/my dear old friends... Happy holidays are here at last!

Make the most of it my SparkFriends!!!

Escape into Yoga

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

The holidays were a mixed bag for me, w/Ex on the warpath about Z's speeding ticket, a whirlwind trip to visit my dear ol' friends on the Gulf Coast - not "the best of times either" - while I'm grateful Z got some male-bonding time w/her husband, my friend J is showing her age w/increasing bitchiness (an awful thing to say but that's the way I saw AND felt it!) so instead of relaxation, Val felt stress followed by massive influx of guilt, low-grade PANIC when what appeared to be a minor wound on my Babygirl Sahara's hind leg blew up into an infected NIGHTMARE during our 4-d absence - my last few days have been eaten up w/intensive equine nursing care but at least THIS time it appears I was able to avert disaster... Took her over to my colleague's yesterday for radiographs - thankfully NO splint bone fracture, possible minor tendon sheath involvement (at age 23 Babygirl is retired anyway, but I want to keep her comfortable - may ask her to carry that mule foal for me this summer ;-)
I was ready to pull out ye Olde Visa card, to hell w/indebtedness if she needed surgery!
My aggravation at myself over putting just under $1000 on credit for Xmas stuff suddenly seemed like VERY SMALL POTATOES. (If you're talking equine surgery, you can easily rack up several thousand $$$)
Whew!
I'm not ready to blog about my other stressors right now (Hubby just finished up his workday & has been looking at me expectantly - one of my New Year's resolutions is to waste LESS time in cyberspace!) but we did clear up Z's speeding ticket this AM - "My Son's 1st Court Appearance", not anything I wanted to document for his baby book...
So I've been "escaping" to my yoga mat - uncharacteristically participating in a challenge on Instagram, posting PUBLIC PHOTOS. Hubby's been pressed into service as my photographer... They are great for motivation - also taking me outside my comfort zone w/poses such as Wild Thing, Wheel & Reverse Table that I've never attempted.

R shoulder much stronger than L, but not bad for 1st attempt

Had to use exercise ball - can't push up into backbend like certain smart alecks

Curtis the Dirty Dog is a good supervisor even if I have to push him off my mat

Let's Get Serious

Thursday, January 08, 2015

...bcz after all, in SEVEN SHORT WEEKS I'll be stepping off that plane in beautiful Costa Rica & wait for it...wait for it... I still have 15 lbs to lose!
DON'T PANIC
I've been performing Val's traditional ritualistic dance - I'll lose a little, then dabble in a little self-sabotage like having that dinner roll Tues night which "magically" caused a 0.7 lb rise on the scales - pure inflammatory response, I know, since I was well w/in calorie limits, even got in a gym visit that day! Why do I have to keep proving to myself over & over that yep, I'm sensitive to gluten??!!??
Z is dieting right alongside of me, an even MORE futile prospect in a growing teenage boy - but needs to "cut" 5 lbs to make his wrestling weight this week... This REALLY makes me crazy, encouraging disordered eating - just look at Z's waistline in his photo on my last entry, he doesn't have an OUNCE, let alone 5 lbs of excess fat on him!!! The coach sent out an email yesterday that they get "a 2 lb growth allowance" - my, isn't THAT generous of em??!!??
But I'll have to continue my rant later, gotta accomplish a few productive things today...
Stay strong my SparkFriends!

Carpool duty paid off - when I dropped into Lakewood Albertson's for dog food a couple of wks ago (yes, this boss ran out of her own clinic & forgot it!), here was the legendary DREW PEARSON (the ORIGINAL #88) casually signing autographs! I was trembling all over w/excitement at meeting him, as giddy as any schoolgirl! Snagged 2 autographed photos, you can count on that...

Six Weeks

Thursday, January 15, 2015

...counting down is a hell of a lot easier than trying to bring some order to the BIG MESS that feels like my personal life.
A.) Ex won't let up unrelenting pressure on our son - lacking any discernible evidence (my own personal theory is that he's punishing Z for his Snotty Teenage Attitude) M plows on in his bullheaded way, talking to Z's guidance counselor, wrestling coach, & everyone else about Z's "problems" when his #1 problem is that he has an A$$HOLE for a father!
B.) M insisted that I **MUST** attend the Drug Abuse Awareness presentation that his pet guidance counselor put on last night "so we can put up a united front" - ho hum, nothing new here! After all, when Z got his speeding ticket last month, I seriously doubt that nice police officer omitted a sobriety check. Quite frankly, I was slightly sickened when I watched this floor show - w/M prompting her w/questions & interjections; it made me wonder "Is he screwing her?" Hopefully it's unrequited lust...
C.) Poor Z was mortified when I described this song n' dance, allowing me to feel a little of his angst - yes, I wouldn't want to be in Z's shoes these next few weeks, under close scrutiny while "all eyes were on him" - his coach, the dean, everyone else... He let slip to his grandmother that wrestling wasn't as much fun: Coach used to like me, but he doesn't anymore.

All I could tell him was that he just has to prove everyone "wrong" & let things simmer down a bit - but oh my, I wouldn't want to be a teenager nowadays...
****************************
*****************************
& now for something completely different: I spent a little time yesterday on the "ketogenic" website, ruled.me - really enjoying some of his recipes, I may order his cookbook! The buffalo jalapeño chicken casserole is fantastic, Z was disappointed that we'd et it all up when he was on his own for dinner last night...
I plugged my numbers into his "keto calculator":

(121 is my lean body weight - NOT goal wt. I haven't weighed 120 lbs since age 12!)
I do believe my basal metabolic rate may be in that neighborhood of 1500 kcal; unless I really ramped up the exercise I wouldn't DARE to imagine I might lose weight on 2100 cal/d.
I don't know if staying very low-carb (the 20 g/d recommended) is feasible or reasonable for me long-term, but I'll certainly try it as short-term hack to peel off the 13 lbs I need to make MY weight for trip... As I've said before, nothing says I have to stop there!

Edit Blog Entry | Delete Blog Entry

Share This Post With Others

Report Inappropriate Blog

Member Comments About This Blog Post

vCD3378854
Good grief. How humiliating for ALL of you. I feel sorry for your son and, as a professional in the medical field, I wonder if the coach and guidance counselor don't see this like I do - as a form of passive-aggressive behavior. If you are actually concerned about your son you approach these people and say something like, "Hi, I'm Z's dad and want to thank you for everything you do for him and let you know that if there is anything I can do to help him, please let me know." That says everything a normal parent needs to say and leaves a door open. If they feel he has a problem they will speak up. I wonder what kind of adult relationship your ex thinks he is going to have with his son. He is not going to be able to micro-manage and bully him much longer. Your advice to your son was right on and he needs to think about what he wants to say to these people if they should tell him that his dad is worried about him. Something along the lines of, "My father loves me and he means well but he worries needlessly. I'm trying to reassure him that I'm okay. I am okay"

Best of luck getting those final pounds off!
2403 days ago
v ENDUROVET
IT IS NOW SIXTEEN MONTHS, TWO WEEKS & ONE DAY UNTIL Z TURNS 18 AND HE CAN HAVE THE GREAT PLEASURE OF TELLING HIS FATHER TO BUTT OUT OF HIS LIFE!!!
M will have richly earned this estrangement...
Not enough time this AM to explain "the camera incident" - seems petty but SO emblematic!
Conspicuous Consumption
Monday, January 19, 2015
...in other words, "What Goes Around, Comes Around"

I know I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs (Dog-only-knows WHEN; time is certainly getting away from me these days!) about a falling-out between me & one of my oldest friends** (we met in junior high) - which'll be 4 yrs ago next month. We obviously still think of one another - she sent me a BD card last Feb for MY Big 5-0, but slammed the door on any potential reconciliation by adding an indecipherable insult about my mother?!? (I'm still scratching my head, wondering what KK was referring to by my mother's "inhuman treatment of her boys" - I could be wrong, but I think Mom only saw them ONCE as infants!?! Of course **SOMETHING** could have gone on behind my back - something said or done which KK didn't mention AT THE TIME; only getting in a dig years later which strikes me as pointless cruelty towards an elderly woman who's NOT going to change her philosophies at this stage of the game!) So needless to say, I didn't reopen that can o'worms - who's got time for that drama?

**I had to dig back thru my archives & find original post - sure enough, it was last Feb, shortly after she sent me the BD card:

https://sparkpeo.hs.llnwd.net/e1/m
ypage_public_journal_indiv
idual.asp?blog_id=5631700

So I sent her a card for HER Big 5-0 in Nov; she has since contacted me on FB... Not anything as straightforward as a friend request; just a couple of butthurt msgs that she "doesn't understand what went wrong between us", and she "doesn't understand why I didn't want to be her friend anymore"... I politely responded: I was the one who wrote to her, not once, not twice, but three separate times over the course of the spring of '10 offering a sincere apology for hurting her, yet she never responded...

Today I managed to hack back into my old Hotmail acct (I saved the original Offensive Blog Post there - but lost access when Hotmail got hacked in '11) just so I could refresh my memory about just what-in-the-hell I wrote that was so awful:

"Feb 2010

What do you do when one of your oldest & dearest friends (you know, the one you can tell everything to, even if you know your opinions will differ - sometimes radically! - simply bcz you still value their opinion) has taken a path so alien to your concepts, that you're not even sure if there is any common ground to relate to anymore? (Yes, of course, there is our deep & extensive shared history, but can you maintain a friendship based on the sheer inertia of history?!?)

It has been over a year since we'd even met up for lunch - I know I've continually made references to the accelerating passage of time, but this past year has been absolutely ridiculous...They sold their home last spring & moved into a gated community - that alone was another culture shock to me. (Obviously I live behind a gate, too, but that's bcz I own LIVESTOCK!)
It smacks too much of prison mentality - & if it lends any more insight, my friend will not FLY w/her children either. (9/11 dontcha know)
We pulled up to an impressive expanse of stone & brick - (I had to ask) 7000 sq ft, all this for a family of 5.
6 bedrooms, 2 dining rooms, a large kitchen & family room, a home theatre (seating for 7, custom leather recliners all around), I-lost-count-of-how-many bathrooms (5, I think), a small wine cellar, two laundry rooms (upstairs & downstairs), a billiard room w/wet bar, a 3-car garage & a separate 2-car garage (the way this home is set up, that one wing could be designated servant's quarters - maid or nanny), and of course a pool & a hot tub...
The entirety of it just left my head spinning; I know there were at least 7 televisions including the gigantic home theatre screen.
No wonder my friend looked gaunt & haggard; keeping up w/that much house is undoubtedly more than a full-time job all by itself. (& yes she still works)
Obviously "the chicken bidness" is good! (Her husband owns multiple fast-food chicken restaurants.) He has pressured her to give up her govt-contractor job since the birth of their twins 2.5 yrs ago, to go to work as his bookkeeper. I've lent my voice to everyone else telling her NOT to take that step down, but she's actually hanging onto her job more for the insurance benefits at this stage than anything else.
Maybe this all sounds like sour grapes, or a severe case of "Country Mouse meets City Mouse", but I'm still sorting out my feelings. All I could think of is how much work I have to do, if & when she follows up on her pledge to tote her kiddos "down to the farm"...Talk about your conspicuous consumption!"

I know I've already wasted far too much time & energy fretting about this, but now that I have it All Laid Out in One Place, I'm dropping my end of the rope. I responded to her FB msgs by saying I'd love to meet up for lunch or dinner sometime so we can **TRY** to hash this out face-to-face, but it is what it is. She's read my blogs for years & KNOWS that I use 'em as impromptu therapy, sounding out my own theories... I don't publicize 'em, I don't gossip behind anyone's back. If you don't like what you read here, of course you can disagree or post an opposing opinion, but I'm unlikely to change my own.
I Don't Feel Bad About My Neck (Anymore)
Sunday, February 08, 2015
(with apologies to Nora Ephron for plagiarizing her title)

Yep, the little bit o'turkey neck I'm developing is TRULY small potatoes in view of recent developments... Literally as I was posting my yoga pix Fri PM, my ph rang w/the first of several frantic messages from my son...

And what is that line about separating the good parts from the "shards of dross"? That's what I feel like I'm doing these days, it's all mixed together & I'm grubbing frantically like some pitiable slag miner, panning through for a few grams of gold dust to PROVE to my son that it's all worthwhile...

Looks like we're gonna have to go back through our ever-so-flawed legal system - my only method to try & protect my son from further damage at the hands of this maniac known as his father, my ex-husband... He's been on the warpath ever since reluctantly signing off on Z's license last Aug (I knew he'd use that "good deed" as a lever of control ever since he originally took Z to take the test for his learner's permit & signed off on the "parent-led" driver's ed) - I give Z "too much freedom (& too much of an allowance), driving is a privilege not a right (it's practically a necessity here in TX where public transportation is a joke), and fundamentally it's MY FAULT that Z's grades have slipped" (half A's & B's at this point) - if I just tighten those reins & I dunno, apply a little spur & whip??? to ensure that Z gets into the "right" college, blah blah blah BLAH!!! It's been tiresome but manageable as I've reminded myself of the months ticking away until Z turns 18 & really CAN manage his relationship w/dear ol' dad however he'd like...
But now M has started directly interfering at Z's school - last Fri's incident was the last straw.

(Backstory: M's been convinced that Z's been "using", aka experimenting w/more than tobacco & alcohol - he's gotten uncomfortably chummy w/Z's guidance counselor... The school sponsored a presentation by Coach B last Nov, when I went to my FL ride, which was poorly attended, so they scheduled a "repeat performance" in the 2nd wk of Jan. M talked it up big how we BOTH needed to go "to present a united front", but then I got there to behold She Who Shall Not Be Named sitting not-so-prettily front & center.
I cannot describe adequately the creepy feeling I got, watching M & Ms McK's (the guidance counselor's) peculiar tete-a-tete. M can be a charmer when he wants to be, yet I know Ms McK is a married woman w/children... That's another thing which qualifies as "Not My Problem Anymore" - but once a cheater, always a cheater as far as I'm concerned. SWSNBN richly deserves all that's coming to her in that regard; I just feel sorry for the McK husband & children.)

After Z's Dec speeding ticket, he lost driving privileges over Xmas break, then I restricted him to the old Chevy pickup for 3 more wks when school was back in session. M confiscated "vaping" materials from the truck, & when he didn't get what he thought was an adequate response from me (I kept the car keys out of Z's hands for another wk), he charged up to Z's school last Fri on the eve of the state tournament, trying to get him kicked off the team! I finally got things straightened out w/Z's coach (educational decisions are 100% MY responsibility per our divorce decree), so at least some form of a happy ending occurred w/Z being able to compete...

But Z refused to go to his father's this weekend, a decision I completely support. I couldn't believe A$$hole came to the tournament, half expecting a scene wherein M insisted Z "come home" w/him. (I blocked M's # on BOTH our phones Fri night - I've been exceedingly slow to realize I don't HAVE to engage!!!) and I've already spoken to my lawyer, so we'll do what needs doing if M wants a battle.
My Big Fat Costa Rican Vacation
Wednesday, March 04, 2015
...even cruelly shortened by 25% (which turned out to be a Good Thing**) was "The Best of Times as well as The Worst of Times"...

I'm not sorry I went, circumstances could have been better, but nothing's perfect & we all must make the best of things, verdad?!? Now enough cheap platitudes, on to meat n' potatoes descriptions, shall we?

**No, there were no dreaded "weigh-in" scales at the very crunchy-granola Barking Horse Farm, so my lil' emergency packet of 2 Lasix tabs went unused... Liz (the proprietor) eyeballed me & assigned me Lincoln, the largest pony in her string: an approx 15h bay QH-type gelding. I should just accept the fact that I can NEVER escape my profession: all of Liz's equines are rescues & "homegrowns", Lincoln being a hard-worked packer w/bad feet (evidence of old episode of laminitis, broken-back angles, & thin soles). Even though Liz does shoe her ponies (in those rocky hills it's unavoidable), poor ol' Lincoln remained tenderfooted, so Liz broke out a pair of well-worn Old Mac boots for his front feet...

(Old Macs are fine as temporary shoe replacement, but don't hold up to hard use - on 3rd day we blew out one, had to just take em off & pick our way gingerly home... As I mentioned, it's a Good Thing he was off duty for Day 4)

To keep in line w/my Dickensian analogies, all of Liz's horses were in a "far far better place" than the majority of Costa Rican (or any other disadvantaged country; not just picking on CR!) equines: many are worked hard under malnourished/poorly equipped & heavily parasitized conditions, then slaughtered when they break down. Even under the best of circumstances, NO horse is perfect & ya gotta work w/whatcha got! But I'd have paid real money for a canister of Bute powder, my own saddle, and a set of EasyBoots for ol' Lincoln...

barkinghorsefarm.com/the
-horses-2/

Months ago, when I was trying to convince my friend Lucy (she of the extremely outspoken opinions) to come on this adventure w/me, she said flat out: Why would I pay that much money to go ride fugly ponies?!?!? Hopefully Liz will take the advice I offered in the spirit in which it was given (trying to help), & put into practice most of my recommendations. "Natural horsemanship" is all well & good, but sometimes there's just no substitute for modern dewormers & pharmaceuticals! (Note to self: after updating this entry, need to email Liz w/link where she can buy decent boots for Mr Lincoln) Fortunately ours was the last trek of the season, so he'll now have a few months of R & R.

"My Sideways Room" - rustic but very comfortable (also closest to the bathroom, SCORE!!! ;-)

Natural horse feeding - individual feed bags in pasture
Not an optimal system IMHO, but I understand what circumstances dictate

On Day 1, we hiked out to the river. Those hills & rocks made me grateful for the ponies!!!
I did NOT carry camera-phone while riding, but hope to copy photos posted by my fellow adventurers (one of whom is a professional photographer) soon!
3148
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
My dear departed former FIL's house number finally resurfaced in my foggy consciousness the other night... I had considered driving by to see how his neighborhood was holding up, but I'd had enough "memory stimulation" at that point in our FL visit. The closest I got was asking Linda's youngest son, Ben (21; he would have been all of 6 yrs old when his grandpa died) if he remembered Grandpa Lee's home which backed up to a beautiful golf course? (He did) Must be something genetic, bcz now both Derek (middle son) & Ben are golf nuts, practicing their swings on the lawn or by the pool...
Overall, it was a pleasant & extremely worthwhile visit, even though there were a few tense moments our 1st night (last Wed) - we met Linda for dinner & she immediately launched into discussion of my latest legal maneuver in front of Z, when it had been my intention to keep him OUT of it, until the time came for him to go before Judge G again. Ah well - I don't blame her for trying to mediate, but fortunately once I explained what I was trying to accomplish**, she dropped the subject & the rest of our visit was stress-free. (Of course this precipitated a lecture from Z - when we drove out to the Everglades, playing tourist a bit the next day, he too urged me to "drop it, since Dad will do everything to WIN" - I don't mind the filial concern, even though I'd rather Z NOT WORRY ABOUT IT & CONCENTRATE ON SCHOOLWORK)
Here I was hoping to be able to demonstrate substantial improvement in those grades, but Z has excavated a pretty deep hole for himself which he's still trying to dig out of...
**All I'm trying to do is PREVENT M from raising hell at Z's school, poaching on MY educational turf... Meanwhile this past month during which Z has refused to visit his father has been pure lagniappe for me.
More later - now it's time for me to wake my sleeping prince (we're both still trying to catch up on our sleep) & get him off to school on time...
****************************
It was a strange sensation, visiting Linda's remodeled ranch house & seeing familiar items from former MIL & FIL's houses (artwork, sculpture, old family photos - my MIL was quite "artsy" & dabbled in both photography & sculpture); here's what I'll TRY to make a mercifully brief Family History lesson:
A.) Former MIL Edwina married Larry as a teenager; gives birth to M @ age 19, then Linda 2 yrs later.
B.) Larry drafted & goes to Vietnam; falls in love w/Phu. Sends "Dear Jane" letter to Edwina, divorces her, marries Phu & brings her back to USA.
C.) Desperate single-mom Edwina (3-yr old & 5-yr old in tow) latches onto Lee, a childless older widower in S FL... They marry & have another daughter, Reva, who's 10 yrs younger than M. Lee legally adopts Michael & Linda.
D.) Edwina's marriage to Lee falls apart when Michael is in junior high - he gets shipped off to bio-dad Larry to finish his HS yrs in CO. He is now estranged from adopted dad Lee.
I take full credit for M's reconciliation w/Lee: when we married in '85, he was working for Dallas County, taking a few college classes at night... He might have theoretically completed his bachelor's in 10 yrs at that rate! Instead, Lee stepped BACK up to the plate & offered to finance Michael's computer-science degree while I was going through vet school - Michael finished his bachelor's when I was in my 3rd yr, and did an accelerated master's in 18 mos. (He can be the most driven, determined individual you've ever seen when he has a goal in mind.)
M divorced me in '99 & Lee passed away the summer of Y2K at the age of 87. The sizable inheritance Michael received enabled him to buy the acreage in Hunt Co & fix things up to his own exacting specifications. Linda decided to give TX "farm life" a try around '06, out of a quixotic notion to build a ranch adjacent to her brother & live as one big happy family. She quickly ran afoul of SWSNBN & M's hard-nosed child-rearing strategies (Linda says she was getting busted for giving Z donuts, Gatorade, or soda) but the last straw came when her eldest son David had to serve a little time for unspecified drug-related arrest (I presume it was pot but didn't pry into specifics). When he was released & "came home" to Linda's, Michael puffed up & declared that David was NOT to set foot on his property, nor could he have any contact w/Z. This insanity towards the nephew who used to come & spend summers w/us as a kid??!!??
Linda quickly lost patience w/being "treated like garbage", sold her property at a loss, & moved back to FL w/her mother. Since then, Michael won't answer her calls, texts, or emails. That's why Linda called me last Jan, wanting to re-establish contact w/her nephew.
In the Line of Fire
Monday, March 23, 2015
...In the upside-down, topsy-turvy hurry-up-&-wait atmosphere of family court, the only thing that's certain is that my ex will behave like the perpetual a$$hole that he is...
A.) he's rehired his original pitbull atty (w/all apologies to REAL pitbulls which by & large are GREAT dogs!), she's firing back w/both barrels: filing dual motions for contempt of court against me (for "interfering w/visitation"), also insisting that all 3 of us (myself, Ex, our son) submit to psychological evaluation...
Ugh, if only Ex would reveal his True Identity - but of course he was on his Very Best Behavior at the courthouse.
B.) he can't let things rest for even ONE EFFING DAY - he's already called, texted AND emailed about tonight's scheduled visitation: "Is Z going to drive himself or shall I pick him up?"
Well my exhausted child came home, ate a snack, & is at this moment taking a NAP, from which I have no intention of disturbing him... And I had HOPED not to rock his world w/custody & visitation BS (i.e. according to my atty, he'd better submit & start going, otherwise the fines & threat of jail time can add up on ME in a hurry!) until later on this week. I'm currently waiting for a call back from my former SIL (estranged from her brother, BIG SURPRISE, eh?) who handles family law in FL - she assured me during our Spring Break visit that at Z's age (16), & the fact that he's driving now, the judge won't be likely to hold ME in contempt.
I figure it's in for a penny, in for a pound - like Scarlett, I'll deal w/this mess bit by bit "TOMORROW"... M may be in for rude awakening: I called the court-ordered psychologist to schedule our appts (being pro-active!) only to be informed her next availables were MON MAY 11TH!?! Bidness must be good!
Our follow-up hearing is scheduled for May 18th; I have a feeling it'll need to be RESCHEDULED. That's OK; the clock keeps ticking as it gets Z closer & closer to that magical 18th BD. I'll buy him as much time as I can in the meantime.

And I guess it was just a scare tactic (or something calculated to stir up marital discord) to subpoena poor P - he wasn't even called upon! I figure it was something to pounce upon, if P HADN'T appeared (M knew it was likely P would have a business trip so it would be inconvenience if nothing else)... I started to ask Mr Moneybags (who hasn't paid any child support this month, but can suddenly spring for hundreds of $$$ in psychologist's fees? Years ago, during previous custody battle, our "family psych evaluations" came to more than $3K... If nothing else, family law is Big Business!) if he would reimburse P for the airline's last-min change-over fees, but I restrained myself.
It's Not MY Life...
Thursday, April 09, 2015
...is what I keep repeating to myself as I fight to control my temper around my DS. (along w/whatever I can remember of that Kahlil Gibran poem, you know the one:
"Your children come through you but are not FROM you...")

Z seems lost in his maelstrom of social activities (i.e. NOT focusing on his schoolwork during this vitally important semester) - as I mentioned to him last night in frustration: "I seem to have given you enough rope to hang yourself!" to which Z ironically replied: "Let me just HANG, then!"
I was trusting these past couple of yrs of high school as a chance for Z to test his wings, learn how to manage himself in preparation for REALLY being on his own, away at college - instead what he seems to be demonstrating are his father's LACK of time management skills (late everywhere)! He's never home on time - late to PT appts, late to dinner w/grandparents (we went ahead & ate, as Z's entree sat cooling on the table) - drives me nuckin' FUTZ which I recognize in large part is bcz this IS "just like following in his father's footsteps"! We often joked that M would be late to his own funeral...

But this AM I went up & snuggled my semiconscious boy for a few min, apologized for yelling & pulling the plug on his XBox last night (after repeated requests to shut down the FIFA soccer tourney) - I'm also touchy bcz this weekend Z is scheduled to resume "normal" visitation w/his father; these past couple of mos' respite have been lovely but now it's back to the S.O.S... I had really hoped that Z could demonstrate markedly higher grades during the time he DIDN'T have to trek Way Out There, but not so much.
I've warned him to just get in his car & LEAVE if M becomes "TOO abusive" (whatever that means; I know speaking only for myself that I wouldn't be able to tolerate FIVE MIN in the same room w/him!!!) or call 911... Maybe if we have a few police reports on the record, Z & I might be taken seriously?!?

Now I just shooed my lil' chick out the door as he bemoaned his "inability to focus"... Perhaps if you got a bit more SLEEP, my dear?!? I've had him tested, Z DOESN'T have ADD, ADHD, or any other alphabet-soup diagnosis... What he's got is a narcissistic sociopath of a father, a neurotically anxious mother, and apparently no luck whatsoever.
He had another minor accident when he "kissed bumpers" w/an Audi in rush-hr traffic, but w/fiberglass fold-up parts, this probably spells $2K worth of damage. (awaiting insurance adjuster) I just CAN'T WAIT till his father gets wind of this (ironical laugh)!
This too shall pass, I keep telling myself. A little yoga is remarkably helpful.
Escapism...
Friday, April 24, 2015
(...as I prepare to load ponies in trailer & GET AWAY for the weekend!)

I seek (more) validation: my very nice but clueless young male atty JUST DOESN'T GET IT!!!
The newest chapter: Involuntary Drug Testing, in which my ex blows a gasket when he subjects our (16 yr old) to home test kit & reports (+) for amphetamines, ambivalent for THC...
#1.) the DayQuil & NyQuil we've both been slammin' to get past Spring Sinusitis can cause false (+)
#2.) I already know Z had eaten a pot brownie (another topic: how to discuss marijuana use in our crazy quilt system of legal in some areas, illegal here?)
#3.) Z has painstakingly brought his grades back up to solid B's, so let's focus on long-term GOALS instead of receational escape valves (I know if I had to live through our nomadic custody arrangement, I'd be grasping for every bit of relief I could! never mind having to deal w/That Huge Jackass known as his father EVERY SINGLE DAMN WEEK!)
I'm so glad I didn't reach adulthood during this hypersensitive phase of Constant Surveillance; my parents would've been horrified at where I went & what-all I did...
So anyway, I consulted my atty before attempting any sort of reply to Ex's "our son's an ADDICT" email, he recommended that I take Z to forensic drug test lab for definitive answers:
"I know you love your son and want him to be happy, but I am also concerned that he may be playing you a bit. This could be not only an example of an over bearing father, but also a young man "stretching his legs" and you being caught in the middle."
Overbearing doesn't even cover a small fraction of Ex's pathology...

I got a more well-rounded response from Z's aunt (family law in FL; she's offered to testify):
"Hair tests can be performed from body hair anywhere on the body. I would take him there to put this to rest. I would respond to M that you have noted his concern and advise him you have not seen most of the behavioral concerns in his letter. Remind him Z will be a senior and will be 18 soon. That You are not disrequarding what he has advised in his communication and recognize that if test was correct and Z does test positive for a controlled substance not otherwise reactive to an over the counter antihistamine, then necessary attention needs to paid in a constructive manner to any issues Z may have and his reasons for possibly experimenting with drugs. Remind him Z is not a behavior issue and that he is struggling through the transition for being a child to being a man.
Remind him that as his Father these attacks whether true as to possible drug use are extreme and his continued attacks on Z are hurting him emotionally and causing him to pull back from him.
That the better approach if there are or they are not issues of concern is to work constructively and lovingly towards a resolution. Attacking Z verbally and accusingly is causing him to withdraw and you are trying to encourage Z to spend time with him, but it gets harder and harder bc he is being abusive to Z in the manner of his approach.
Remind him that Z is not a child anymore and that it’s no longer your fault or you to blame if Z and his relationship is struggling. He is a big boy and he needs to work constructively with him."
But when it came right down to it, I couldn't spout a big line of BS when I replied to M's email, basically just agreed that Z needed to be tested to ascertain the extent of the problem... I'm afraid I'm all out of patience & cannot muster any false enthusiasm for Z spending any precious chunks of his time w/the waste of space otherwise known as his father...
(He stomped out the door this AM, cursing what a PITA it is to go back & forth between two houses. It bears an uncanny resemblance to being homeless: loaded down w/backpacks, hauling everything back & forth - school books, gym gear, & yet invariably something is left behind...)
13 MORE MONTHS MY FRIENDS!!! Thanks for listening.
Onward Thru the Fog
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Subtitled "If it weren't for bad luck, Z would have NO LUCK AT ALL!!!"

As I was trying to enjoy our lovely spring weather at local park over my lunch break, I received a call from Z's wrestling coach... Disappointed but not shocked to hear that Z popped up (+) for THC in last week's roundup of the wrestling team. Coach kindly invited P & I in for a conference tomorrow AM - how thoughtful to schedule on my day off!

Z also went back to sports med Dr - a month of PT hasn't done much for his shoulder; Dr S suspects torn cartilege so we'll schedule an MRI hopefully for NEXT Thurs. Surgical repair will put Z in a sling for 6 wks & knock him out of wrestling for 6 mos.
Between this & failing his drug test, he's very discouraged & speaks of leaving his highly rated private school. I'm going to encourage him to ride this out - it may be difficult, but I think it's the right thing to do. In the meantime I've emailed Aunt Linda in hopes that she can give him a pep talk.

I'm confiscating the car keys for now w/an "M weekend" coming up; worst of all I dread informing that man but it can't be helped. I'm getting ready to hit "Send" on my email & I'm sure he'll be right there front & center in the AM. Haven't decided how long to relegate Z to passenger status but that partially depends on his attitude.

"Onward Thru the Fog" as I said; just following my instincts, playing it by ear, (insert appropriate metaphor)...
It's Not Paranoia...
Sunday, May 03, 2015
...if he really IS out to get ya!!!

I'm typing this at the terminal of a local hotel chain - it's deja vu all over again as I continue to do my best to protect my son. I recall doing this when Z was perhaps 3 & a half - M was storming about a disputed weekend, so my parents & I just packed it up & went to a hotel. My poor mother was terrified - in that immediate post-divorce phase M was hurling threats at everyone, and while I **thought** he was mostly bluster, I didn't want to end up as one of those domestic violence statistics.

On Friday, I let Z drive himself in since I felt awful - but as the boss, I have NO sick days & having already given my associate the day off, had to conserve my flagging energy to drag my carcass to work. He refused to go to his father's, getting some unidentified female to impersonate me to the school nurse to let him escape last period. The next thing I know, M is accusing ME - doesn't matter if I asserted my innocence/ignorance of Z's plans, in M's world you're guilty as charged! (Did I mention M displayed a stunning ignorance of the therapeutic process last Thurs, demanding joint sessions w/Z's new therapist & "being kept abreast" of privileged information?!?)

Long story short - Z stayed w/a friend Fri night, went in to take his SAT as scheduled, fortunately getting done a little early so he could again escape before M arrived fuming at his school. The saddest part of all is that Z wanted to come home last night but was afraid to - nor did he want M harrassing his friends' families, so I made the executive decision to put us up in a hotel. (Last night M was still not letting up on this, no matter how gently I tried to advise him to give Z a little space.)

I've been drafting a letter for Z's school since M is threatening to blow this up w/the dean tomorrow. This terminal won't copy & paste for me, but I'll put it up later for constructive critique...

It's really sad when the cashier at WalMart (observing your stack of cough drops, nasal spray, decongestants & the like) says that she hopes you feel better soon! Yeah I do too!

Edit Blog Entry | Delete Blog Entry
Share This Post With Others
Report Inappropriate Blog
Member Comments About This Blog Post
- vCD3378854
  It's time for the school, and the courts, to start acknowledging Zs aversion to spending time with his dad. There has to be some remedy for this and to me the obvious one is for M to have to have to have therapy or take parenting classes. Z is almost an adult, not a child, but somewhere along the line, M has avoided the reality of that.
  2297 days ago
- v PRNCSCUP1-2FULL
  I know how Z. feels, but you still need to push forward with some kind of consequence for the lies. When there are no consequences for unacceptable behaviors it can make a sociopath. He already, sadly, has the DNA! Please understand, I am on yours and Z.'s side when it comes to his father, but you need to have consistent consequences when he lies, skips school and engages in other activities that could lead to more problems. Also, can you get the police involed? I don't know, but it may help with custody if you call them every time you or Z. is threatened. Being forced out of your own home is simply too much! Wishing you luck and success and strength with all of this!!
- Amicus
  Saturday, May 09, 2015
  ...aka "Friend of the Court"
  
  Just when I was about to give up all hope, my friend JB's atty called me back yesterday afternoon... LC is actually a retired family court judge, so if ANYONE knows the score, it should be her! After hearing my most succinct version of our epic battle, she knew exactly what my point was: "Z is tired of getting jerked around & wants it to STOP!"
  
  Yes, precisely that - I could post more tragic stories of children whose childhoods were fundamentally destroyed by family court battles but this tablet is running low on battery. I'd consider Z's case to be middle of the road: not the worst, far from the best, but certainly less than what I'd hoped & planned for my only child... It strikes me as more "Oedipan" since Z will in effect have to slaughter his relationship w/his father** in order to break free. Who knows, in years to come they may rebuild something meaningful - but of course that will be Z's cross to bear, not my own! When I had a brief visit from my cousin last weekend, he couldn't fathom what seems to be M's dogged determination to tear his son down instead of supporting him/helping to show him the righteous path.
  
  **Don't worry, my SparkFriends, there will be no danger of Z wanting to marry his mother - after this long stressful week, I lost my temper w/him last night when he tried to change the rules. I'd let him hitch a ride to a friend's house after school - after a few hrs, he was supposed to get a ride to the S side of town & borrow his grandma's spare car (my dad is not supposed to be driving anymore anyway) to drive himself home. The alloted time passed w/no sign of Z - then when he finally answered his ph, he tried to convince me that he'd be responsible enough to spend the night w/his friend & get himself over to Sat detention by 8 AM?!? Let us pause here for a hearty round of laughter - I DON'T THINK SO!!!
  
  It was getting late, I was exhausted - so I'm sorry to say I screamed & cursed at Z as I raced way the hell across town to scoop him up. He can't afford any more missteps at this stage. I drove him in to serve his detention as scheduled - maybe in the future we'll look back at it fondly, our own little episode of The Breakfast Club. What I'd like to see now is that story from the poor PARENTS' point of view!
  
  
  So anyway, what LC helpfully suggested is that I have my atty file for an amicus, a "friend of the court" to serve as Z's long-awaited voice in this spiraling out of control legal fiasco. My atty seemed to think this would hinge on Z's drug test results, but I won't see my son crucified for "inhaling"!!! Damn, if our 42nd President could get away w/it, why can't my boy?!?
  
  Edit Blog Entry   |   Delete Blog Entry
  Share This Post With Others
  Report Inappropriate Blog
  Member Comments About This Blog Post
  vCD3378854
  I also think the amicus is an excellent idea. Not all judges any more are hard liners about pot. Not to sound flippant but some of them have inhaled too. When I was a young R.N. I was invited to a party where a lot of prominent business men, hospital administrators, lawyers, doctors, and, yes, judges, were lighting up. I was fairly shocked as I thought that people who put others in prison for lighting up certainly would not be doing it themselves. The country is moving toward legalization. I would never advise smoking pot because of the associated lung problems but it isn't a gateway to Hell that some would like us to believe either and young people know that. Time to stop lying to them. We know at least 2 presidents who smoked pot and one who did coke. It didn't prevent either one of them from getting to the top.
  2290 days ago
  v PRNCSCUP1-2FULL
  I think that is a grand idea!! I, who does believe in consequences for unwanted behavior, agrees with you whole heartedly about the whole inhaling thing too. There are worse drugs of choice. But, as you said, your boy can't afford any missteps right now. So, I'm not sure if your ex believes he is trying to teach your son right from wrong with his power trips or if he is just a big bully who wants to hurt his offspring, but wrong is wrong. I wish he would realize that the Nazi checks and well, can't think of a better term than power trips, are doing any good. Teens rebel and should be allowed to. It is part of becoming an adult. We can hope and pray that the teen grows out of the up yours attitude and does become a reasonable human being. The best way is to let the teen know you love him, but not his behavior and provide reasonable consequences for that unliked behavior. You have done that with taking away driving preveleges and so forth. Dad has just been a cop. I think getting an amicus is a good step in the right direction and as always, I wish the best for you and for Z.!
  If It's War You Want...
  Saturday, May 16, 2015
  ...It's WAR you shall have!!! (10 pts for movie reference)
  
  I feel as though my life is like a movie - a very very bad & humorless flick these days. I spent half my day off Thurs doing my mandated psychological evaluation: now there's 4 hrs of my life I'll never get back! I'd like to know what can be proven from the Rorshachs, clever visual puzzles, or denying questions that I hear voices, see visions, or am otherwise directed by unseen forces hidden from the rest of the mere mortals.
  
  No, M & I are like Zeus & Hera, battling it out until the end of time, oblivious to the travails of the rest of humanity. My attorney handed me a letter from M's counsel declaring that he plans to sue for full custody of an almost-17-yr old. If he is truly trying to blow up any sort of a decent adult relationship w/his son, this is the way to do it!!! Z will never forgive him for blowing up his senior year.
  In retaliation, Z's been staying out w/his friends progressively later each night this week - so Thurs night I had no choice but to confiscate the car keys. He declared in disgust that he doesn't want to live with either one of us - can't say that I blame him. Now I know how some non-custodial mothers have tried to explain (which always seemed incomprehensible to me) why they gave up the fight & signed over custody - to spare their children further damage.
  
  But I'm certain if M DID get custody, he would pull Z straight out of private school & plunk him in public. I've lain awake at 3 AM puzzling it over, but I still think I must continue to wield my lance & my shield. My attorney is filing for an ad litem so Z can get his own voice - hopefully this will be a great deal of sound & fury (not to mention wasted money, ahem!) & the judge will throw us straight out of his courtroom WHEN HE FINALLY GETS TO SPEAK TO ZACH.
  
  I'm just trying to preserve my boy's mental health in the meantime. Please pray for us or appeal to the higher power of your choice my dear SparkFriends.
  Enough Rope to Hang Himself
  Wednesday, May 20, 2015
  When I got home yesterday afternoon, my lil' pony was standing by the back fence all alone, looking at me as if to say Mom, when are you taking me anyplace again? (Unusual horse behavior - ordinarily my lil' herd goes everywhere in a group.)
  
  Yes, darling, I'm as sick of the rain n' mud as you are - as great as it is to have our lakes, ponds, & aquifers replenished! But I'm afraid my human son's choices have grounded us at the very least until mid-June, maybe longer? God help me, I won't give up my Ft Stanton sojourn...
  
  Where do you want to lay the most blame? The unrelenting pressure of the visitation schedule - NOT ONCE this academic year did Z have any of his friends out - my beautiful albatross, the farm, everything I've sacrificed, all for nothing. M just couldn't keep the boot off Z's neck - if he were MY father, I'd be scrambling for every mind-altering substance I could lay my hands upon. Nag, nag, nag - the accidents, the speeding ticket, (according to M) too much freedom & pocket money from Mom of course - & I guess I fell into line by giving Z just enough rope to hang himself... Self-fulfilling prophecies & all that. Growing up is tough - I know I wouldn't want to relive my agonized late-teen years for any amount of money, even if I could reclaim that smokin' hot 17-yr-old body of mine! By comparison, I had the life of Riley: an intact home, academic success, solid friends... But I clearly recall being struck by the sledgehammer of depression on a few occasions, hardly able to drag my carcass out of the recliner.
  
  Is addiction all in the DNA as my SIL attests? She reported that Z's cousin "said when he first started, he knew he was different - his body reacted differently". D rode a tough trail for a few years, finally having to serve a little time before kicking his bad habits. L said "It's bad DNA in this family." (Note to self: research rehab centers so you'll have something to counteract M's insistence on this Ranch place...Not that it appears to be a poor choice - far from it! I'll have to admit it galls me to think of MRJ's suspicions being vindicated.)
  
  www.sundownranchinc.com
  
  We just have to see what the quantitative results of yesterday's analysis is - I know it was a very unhappy young man who submitted his specimens! (hair, fingernails, urine) But this will give us a more balanced picture as to where on the "recreation vs addiction" spectrum Z lies.
  
  But I was afraid it was all going to come to naught after Sun's big blow-up - unbeknownst to me, M had placed one big condition on Z getting his car back/being able to go to friend's party Sat night; he wanted him to take another home drug screen (urine). What M hoped to prove is beyond my comprehension - of COURSE it would still be (+) since it takes upwards of 60 d for THC to clear out??!!?? My blog, my opinion - I think it was nothing but a(nother) cheap power play. Z refused & the battle was on. He also wouldn't turn over the keys to MY car, so M chained the tires. Z went & got a sledgehammer to break the lock, M called the sheriff. Deputy searched the car (MY DAMNED CAR), found nothing but e-cigarette paraphenalia, finally left. By the time Z reached me on the phone, he was hysterically begging to be allowed to "Just let me leave, Dad. PLEASE just LET ME LEAVE!!!" (He'd put us on speakerphone - M wasn't answering HIS phone. It was truly heartbreaking.) We finally reached a compromise of allowing Z to go to his friend/classmate's home in Dallas (M would have considered Z coming home to ME to be some sort of perverse victory on my part). He's been there all week.
  
  Yesterday he was suspended for truancy (skipping out last period a couple of wks ago to avoid going to his dad's) as well as forging a signature on his theology service hours form. He won't be able to go back for his senior year, even if we wanted to - I'm now pulling all the strings I can grab to get him into my alma mater.
  Let's hope we can turn this train wreck around my SparkFriends.
  20 Minutes
  Saturday, May 23, 2015
  I struggled through 20 min on my trusty HealthRider this evening, which I count as a true victory considering my low energy levels... Alarming grinds, creaks, & pops from ye olde L shoulder, but no joint pain so I kept on pumpin' along.
  After my workout, I grilled us some steaks & composed a precis for my new cyber-support group - I feel somewhat fradulent since most of these women are "true" domestic violence victims. I'm still debating myself 17 yrs later as to how many of the threats were real, & how much was carefully calculated psychological warfare...
  And what difference does it make anyway? At the time I reacted as if M was going to follow through - verbal abuse can leave its own scars.
  
  I feel somewhat fradulent here, since I "merely" suffered from verbal/emotional/psychological abuse during my 14-yr marriage. (My armchair diagnosis = malignant, sociopathic narcissist)
  Yet if you had asked me at the time (16 yrs ago), I'd have claimed to be blindsided by my divorce: while I'd have never claimed we had an idyllic marriage, I'd come to terms w/my circumstances and certainly NEVER would have been one of those women who got pregnant in a futile attempt to save my marriage.
  M commenced another affair when I was about 3 mos pregnant; I tried to "ride it out" as I had in the past. He moved into upstairs bedroom when our son was 3 mos old in an attempt to wait ME out (he hoped that I'd crumble, abandon our farm, go home to my parents), but finally moved out when the baby was 11 mos old & immediately filed for divorce. He pressed for full joint custody.
  I followed (poor) advice from my attorney at the time - didn't "complicate" our case by introducing any evidence of abuse, she advised me to sign off on the custody agreement since she thought M would most likely "burn out" on upholding his end of long-distance visitation (he moved 60 mi away to be w/the other woman, where he continues to reside to this day).
  However, to this day, M has remained militant in adhering to "HIS" visitation schedule: never deviating when Z might be sick (he's "as capable as I am of taking care of him") or injured (Z suffered a severely lacerated spleen under suspicious circumstances at his father's house when he was almost 9, had to spend 5 d in hospital but thankfully did NOT have to undergo surgery).
  Z has now reached an age (16) at which he should have been able to concentrate on his academics & social life, starting to transition from a child to young adult - instead of continuing to be shuffled back & forth like an unfortunately sentient football. In rebellion, he's begun experimenting with nicotine, alcohol, & a smattering of drugs. His father, as usual, is overreacting with grandiose hyperbole, completely blind to any influence HIS actions may have had.
  I tried once again to shield Z from his father's vicious verbal attacks by filing for another restraining order (3rd time charm??) last Feb, but once again I've been denied, & M is now countersuing for full custody. Currently awaiting court date after all 3 of us had to undergo psych evaluations (again: we went through a longer version of this process during the custody battle of '03). I have high hopes that when we finally DO gather in Judge G's courtroom, he'll throw the whole case out w/incredulous disgust that his father is disrupting Z's last year of high school in this unforgivable way.
  I took Z in for forensic drug testing last week which will determine the course of our summer. (Of course his father wants to place him straight into a rehab center but it doesn't work that way - Z will have to participate in some outpatient therapy first.) Right now Z is so disgusted with both of us that he doesn't want anything to do w/either one of us, so I've let him go stay w/a classmate's family this week. Hopefully some time w/this family will be therapeutic for him.
  
  Thanks for listening; I hope my account resonates w/some of you. I've been doing a lot of reading about what seems to describe my situation best: domestic violence by proxy - when the abuser can no longer focus on the ex-spouse, the focus is shifted to the child(ren).
  I'm counting down the months (12) until my poor child turns 18 & can be emancipated.
  
  Edit Blog Entry   |   Delete Blog Entry
  Share This Post With Others
  Report Inappropriate Blog
  Member Comments About This Blog Post
  vCD12024980
  you are doing so well, fingers crossed Z manages to negotiate this next year well
  
  Take care
  2275 days ago
  vCD3378854
  I'm creaking and popping too. Ugh.
  
  I'm fixing steaks tonight.
  
  I was never physically abused by me ex but I put up with plenty of mental abuse. Everyone who lives with an alcoholic does. My marriage sucked but I had made my bed and intended to lay in it it when one day he said he wanted a divorce and gave me 2 hours to get out. I was devastated at the time but about a month later I realized he had given me the gift of a lifetime - my freedom. When he wanted me back a few months later, when he saw me out dating other men, I had no problem telling him no way. He stalked me for years and called all the time, though we have no children together. He had 3 kids with his second wife and continued to call me. Finally I was able to get rid of him for good. My hubby basically told him, "This is it. You have no more excuses to call any more. The end."
  
  Your situation is so much worse. I hope that M doesn't destroy the relationship you have with your son. I hope you get a good judge and that he/she has enough sense to not blow this up out of proportion.
  
  2276 days ago
  vCD13641787
  ------
  2276 days ago
  
  Comment edited on: 10/16/2015 10:05:18 PM
  v PRNCSCUP1-2FULL
  Oh shoot!! Forgot to say way to go on that contraption of yours!! Awesome, especially with you feeling run down!
  2276 days ago
  v PRNCSCUP1-2FULL
  Verbal, psychological and mental abuse has NO "only" qualifier. Those scars can often last longer than physical abuse scars. A true narcissicist is coming from a place of insecurity, shame and self-doubt... That is why they lash out on others. Since Z's drug use is felt by your ex to be a failure of fatherhood (perhaps true), he has to lash out because he cannot let anyone know that he may be at fault. I do not negate in any way his malignant behaviors and overblown self concept, but try seeing him as the lost puppy he truly is.... this does not mean giving in, but knowing that he is another lost soul who is blaming everyone else and ruining his father son relationship as he fears being left in Z's dust! It is his own vicious cycle. OH, just finished a seminar on Narcisism, but I'm tired and blind so still don't know how to spell it correctly! Hee. Be strong!
  It's A Crying Shame
  Friday, May 29, 2015
  ...that I've lived this entire month of May counting down the days till it was over!!!
  We've managed to get by boy through his junior year of HS - fortunately looks like he passed everything... Quite frankly w/the chaos which has erupted around us this spring that's fairly miraculous.
  I keep shaking my head sadly though, to think that 11 yrs of good Catholic-school education should come to this - suspended from BL, an uncertain future as to whether I'll get him into my alma mater**...
  It's been so long since I felt any strong self assurance as to What My Correct Course of Action Should Be; absolutely fumbling in the dark here. Bouncing between my trusted & not-so-trusted advisers (friends, family, atty Jeff) - what will it be?
  Fighting to retain custody is a given, but beyond that I'm flailing in the dark: outpatient vs inpatient (tempting when Z is being such a recalcitrant lil sh!t), let him go to FL (he wants to visit Aunt Linda again - with her experiences w/her own eldest son, that could be valuable) bring in my big guns in the form of The Honorable LC?!? (if Z won't man up & talk to her, cut Jeff loose & hire her myself??!!??)
  My boy was exhausted, sullen & incommunicative yesterday AM en route to his shoulder surgery - maybe he's tired of running. At least in inpatient he'd only have to deal w/his father for a few therapy sessions. Lord knows I could use the break too. "My son, the addict"?!? Has a certain ring to it, does it not?
  I spent quite a bit of time on ph while Z was in surg w/insurance co & then a couple of providers - as I said there is a hierarchy of care & I even spoke to another person at the Sundown Ranch (rehab) who confirmed what Bonnie (nice counselor who answered ph) told me last week
  Strange that the intake counselor would speak of Z's cooperation w/treatment...This whole struggle has seemed to be about involuntary commitment.
  Surgery went well, but the cartilage damage was even worse than what had been hinted at in the MRI, so I'm very glad we got this done NOW (before degenerative joint disease could set in). Z's father showed up (he who argued first w/me, then went in to "discuss" w/Z's dr whether surgery was indicated) - & at one point I did attempt to engage him in dialogue... It was frustrating (as usual) - M seems supremely overconfident that he will prevail in court, insisting that Z needs a complete change of environment. While I do not doubt that Z has been associating w/the wrong sort of friends - let's face it, if you're determined drugs can be found ANYWHERE!
  He even discounted my phone research: M insists that this self-same Bonnie can not only do the assessment, but then directly admit to inpatient rehab but if that's true, why didn't she tell ME?!?
  He did not offer to "do it himself" so we will proceed w/assessment at either Imagine or Nexus (N is closer, near Mesquite) next wk & take it from there.
  M didn't say anything about "his" weekend visitation but Z doesn't need to be bounced around at this stage; besides, no one is more qualified than I am to care for him during this miserable initial post-op period. If he tries to show up & take him away, it only demonstrates M's poor judgement & I'll call the sheriff for backup if need be.
  My attorney, seemingly w/great reluctance, has filed a motion to appoint Z an ad litem while OTOH he keeps urging me to fall in line w/M & stuff Z in rehab. I have tried to educate him about DV issues, but he doesn't seem to be connecting the dots... At this point I don't know whether I'm doing the right thing(s) or not, but still feel as though trying to protect Z from his father's verbal attacks is a Greater Good. Poor Z has developed quite the fatalistic attitude which I hope he can pull out of, otherwise I fear not only his college prospects but even graduating from HS are doomed.
  Things are coming up fast but I'll try to keep y'all posted. The support helps even if all you can do is pray for us.
  Down the Rabbit Hole...
  Thursday, June 11, 2015
  I'm staggering around these past few days as if I'm starring in my own waking nightmare... Only in MY degenerate county can a mother be stripped of custody & have her son forcibly placed in a rehab center for smoking some POT??!!??
  Z was BEGGING M on Mon to test him, so he could PROVE he was clean. I think I'm still in shock that my atty rolled over like a cheap suit in a strong wind - soon I will be shopping for new one.
  M told Z at least 3 lies just on the way to his house Mon (I had to go straight from the courthouse, collect Z, & deliver him to his father's custody at the clinic we visited last week which offers an outpatient day treatment program) - he was going to follow me home, so Z could pack a few things - "too much traffic" (we were returning from way up on the N side of the Metroplex; why does he think I'd told him this option was completely impractical?); so I said I'd pack a suitcase & bring it to Z at the clinic Tues...
  Z called shortly thereafter & told me M wouldn't let him have anything from home. Then a little after 8 PM Mon night, Z called me in an abortive attempt to run away - I went tearing out there, but sheriff's deputies had already come & gone. Might've been better if they HAD arrested Z, but they only gave him a 'stern talking-to'... M had Z locked in his house, had confiscated his cell ph (which he did return to me), but wouldn't let me speak to him.
  If it wasn't the ultimate 'show of force' to book Z into the Ranch rehab** place ON HIS ACTUAL BIRTHDAY, I don't know what is?!? - HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY MY SON!!!
  **this is the facility Michael has wanted to send Z to all along.
  I'm actually relieved in one sense to have Z SAFE & OUT OF HARM'S WAY. He is on "lockdown" for the 1st week & we'll see how it goes. The whole point yesterday was supposed to keep Z OUT of residential inpatient which has already been betrayed. And while I hope for the best w/family therapy, I will not hang back & let Z be steamrolled by his abusive bully of a father either.
  Wish me strength & luck my SparkFriends - now more than ever I've got to Take Care of #1.
  
  Edit Blog Entry   |   Delete Blog Entry
  Share This Post With Others
  Report Inappropriate Blog
  Member Comments About This Blog Post
  vCD12024980
  
  
  I am gob-smacked - I have been a bad sparkfriend and only just caught up on your blogs
  
  Remind me never to complain about my youngest or DH again, compared to M they are a walk in the park - have to wonder if M stands for Machiavelli
  
  Thinking of you, and sending moral support across the seas
  
  2240 days ago
  v CATIATM
  Wow. I know being a teenager is tough, but if nothing else, maybe now your son will realize that he needs to listen to his mother. Your ex sounds like a real bully and a jerk. Will your son be free of him when he's 18? You're in my prayers!
  2255 days ago
  vCD3378854
  I assume you only mean temporary custody and not permanent. Hopefully his father has not been given full permanent custody. That would be a nightmare.
  
  Since when is pot considered an addictive drug? Now he will be exposed to real drug addicts.
  
  Your attorney needs fired immediately. He wasn't working for you at all.
  
  Can Z check into being an emancipated minor if nothing else will work?
  
  I just hope Z learns that he is going to have to listen to what you tell him and do what you say unless he wants to be suffocated under his dad's thumb. Z is playing right into this monster's trap.
  
  M obviously doesn't care at all that it was his son's birthday. Like I said, he's a monster.
  2257 days ago
  v PRNCSCUP1-2FULL
  OMG!! I don't get it. Please take care of yourself! I can only hope that some good comes from the rehab center and Z. learns a few things. I wish you strength and even though I don't believe in it.... Luck too! I mean, you have done all you can and this is how it goes?!! Do take care.
  The Shadowed Valley...
  Friday, June 12, 2015
  "I believe, as a wage-earning woman, that if I make the great sacrifice of strength and health and even risk my life, to have a child, I should certainly not do so if, on some future occasion, the man can say that the child belongs to him by law and he will take it from me and I shall see it only three times a year!"
  -- lsadora Duncan in her biography, My Life (1927)
  
  I've made a solemn vow to myself, SparkFriends - under no circumstances shall I waste another precious month of MY irreplaceable lifespan willing the calendar pages to fly by (i.e. like last month, one of my worst on record)...
  I "HAD" an appointment w/Potential New Lawyer this AM, but this has been rescheduled for next Thurs since she had an emergency hearing. I must gear up for the next battle - convincing the judge that I'm a fit parent who should rightfully have her managing conservatorship restored, even as my head swims w/the fundamental injustice of it all.
  The thought of sitting in the same room w/my ex & listening to his High & Mighty proclamations as we work through "family therapy" (there IS NO MORE "FAMILY" here; ex torpedoed this unit many years ago! You don't treat the mother of your child like dogsh!t which you're trying to scrape from your shoe!) literally makes me ill, but I'll do as I must to put this to rights. Even sitting down to work out a "parenting plan" as M rants & raves on about Z needing "a complete change" - no, a$$hole, teenagers need STABILITY & CONSISTENCY as they try their wings, setting sail in the Great Sea of Life... But once again, I'll do what I think is best, using current knowledge.
  Could I have stopped this train wreck by going back & doing things differently? There's no point to second-guessing & beating up on myself, after all what's done is done.
  Unlike some of my favorite sci-fi tales, I can't alter history.
  I've got plenty to do today, despite the hole in my schedule, so I'd best get moving.
  Most of all I'm grateful I can still unburden my soul HERE - turns out Ex found my Incurable blog despite what were obviously my inadequate attempts to hide & preserve my writings - I know it wasn't much, but it was MINE, dammit! So it has now been deleted - so much for free speech, eh? It isn't as if that blog was full of poisonous vitriol, slander, or libel - I actually intended to let Z read it "when he was old enough". M already showed him excerpts a couple of yrs ago when we were going through the child support fiasco (which is likely the underpinning of his current wrath - one of the first items on current agreement is that child support STOPS).
  I felt some minor panic that perhaps Ex had found a way to hack into THIS blog - it really would have been demoralizing to think of one of my SparkFriends being a traitor or an empty shell constructed by my ex. Fortunately it seems those fears were unwarranted... this outlet remains of vital importance to me.
  Scared Straight??
  Sunday, June 21, 2015
  Sheer exhaustion - more psychological than physical I know, my SparkFriends! - is weighing me down, so trying to stick to "just the facts" as I try to focus my will like a laser beam... I know I spoke of NOT wasting time, & here we are almost through the month of June!!??!!
  I've driven to the Ranch twice: on Thurs for my 1st mtg w/Z & his "family" counselor, then yesterday for "family" visitation (I put family in quotes bcz only Mom was welcome - despite it being Father's Day weekend, I couldn't bring Z's grandfather. My dad, in his worsening dementia, has been fixated on "getting Z out of jail" which actually isn't far from the truth...
  The only time I teared up in our Thurs session was when I was speaking of trying to give Z something resembling a normal childhood...
  Obviously I have failed miserably, but I wasn't about to open THAT can of worms w/painfully young Ms Mercedes! Who knows what my ex has told her about me - she seemed pleasantly surprised that I was initially cooperative w/this plan of inpatient therapy for Z.
  
  However, at yesterday's "family" mtg, Z confided how strict the Ranch program is, & how miserable HE is - my best analogy is swatting a mosquito w/a sledgehammer. Or that old chestnut: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail! I'm not "in denial" that Z experimented w/marijuana & a few other illicit substances, but once again I assert that these were symptoms of escapism not addiction. At the Ranch, it's lights out at 9:30 & up at 6:15, half an hour to get ready for breakfast, then "working those 12 steps" all day long w/a couple of breaks for exercise... Z has 3 counselors & twice a week sessions w/staff psychiatrist whom he says has offered him Seroquel?!? You've gotta be sh!tting me - this is spinning even MORE out of control! I told Z to decline all meds while he expressed his desperation by speaking of escape plans... I begged him to please tough it out a little longer while I worked all legal angles.
  
  He had written a heartfelt letter to his father which I seriously doubt will penetrate... M has been bound & determined to incarcerate Z at this facility for MONTHS now, so he's not about to admit that it might not be the best fit.
  Z swears that he'll work hard at any outpatient program we select; I fear continued imprisonment will cause him to abandon all hope. As my eloquent cousin said, he's never seen a father more invested in assuring his own son's failure. I can hardly wait for our Thurs "family session" (joint session w/ex)!
  
  Even condemned murderers on Death Row have access to the US Mail, but Z wouldn't have gotten the BD cards I forwarded until I brought it up w/his counselor... I had taken him a stationery set - I thought w/out phone or computer access he could get REAL retro & actually write friends & family, but he wasn't allowed to keep it. Yes, they are THAT strict! Z described a Byzantine system of informants in which all are attempting to curry favor... One punishment is being confined to "The Block": a literal jail cell w/a concrete bunk & a pillow. Sounds entirely too Scared Straight for my tastes.
  
  Edit Blog Entry   |   Delete Blog Entry
  Share This Post With Others
  Report Inappropriate Blog
  Member Comments About This Blog Post
  v CATIATM
  Unbelievable. Your ex is a clown. He may have dictated this, but he's lost his son forever. I hope he's proud of himself. Now you need to help Z through this so he can make it through safe and focused on his future. Good luck, my friend!
  2230 days ago
  vCD12024980
  Whoa - from your description of his current incarceration you would have thought he was main lining crack or something...... What a dreadful sounding place - I hope his sojourn is brief, and ensures he stays away from drugs in future, and doesn't push him the other way.
  
  Take care
  2240 days ago
  v SWEETNEEY
  It's tough love. Don't be an enabler - he needs help.
  2241 days ago
  vCD13641787
  ''''
  2247 days ago
  
  Comment edited on: 10/16/2015 10:02:26 PM
  v CRUISEGAL55
  I send you & your son my prayers. I have never lived thru anything near what you both are going through.
  I am 60, X-Hippy, Baby Boomer. From 15- 18, I pushed the limits of what I could get away with, without getting caught. (I was 3rd of 4 kids). Basically the invisible child... I got away with everything. So I grew up on my own, fell in love & married at 18.
  Sorry...rambling (fond memories). In raising my own son (now 37), I believe we all make mistakes. How else will we learn lessons. Parents are supposed to be the safe place to fall/fail/bounce back.
  I believe it is time to legalize pot at the federal level. I am sure your X would have found something to use against you...
  I doubt your X will ever change. Karma will never lose his address. Your son will overcome this, with all your love.
  
  
  2247 days ago
  v LISA01605
  My heart continues to go out to your son. I hope in time he can forgive both you and his father for his own sake. I know none of this is your doing and that you are working hard for your son, I just hope he sees it that way. Clearly the legal system has failed him. I bet he's counting the days until he turns 18. Hopefully that is the age of independence in your state. Then he can make his own decisions about his life and who he decides to keep in it. I don't support underage drug use but this seems like a case where the punishment does not fit the crime especially since he was never arrested for it. Can he sue for emancipation now? Maybe it would be worth getting a lawyer for him. Keeping him confined to this place against his will sounds like child abuse to me.
  2247 days ago
  vCD3378854
  I think you are doing fantastic, GF!! Just keep hanging in there and doing everything that you need to do to prove that you are a responsible parent. It's a shame that you have to do this but you have no choice. It really won't matter what plans butthole has made to make you look bad as long as these are real counselors who are capable of making their own observations and decisions. I would reiterate that you want Z to be happy and healthy - you have no other agenda but what is best for him. The focus is Z................. always.
  
  I certainly hope that Z can handle this place. You need to reinforce to him that he needs to do whatever he has to do to keep from extending his stay and never end up here again. His father is willing to send him to prison, obviously, rather than have him assert any independence. I would be surprised if Z has any rights until he is of legal age if your ex has anything to say about it. He is the father from Hell. I've never heard of months long detention for teenagers who are not accused of serious crimes. Maybe M intends for him to be locked up until he turns 18. Will he be able to finish high school in this place?
  
  Be sure you are at the top of your game at the joint family sessions. You might look up some therapeutic techniques if you are not familiar with them. We learned them in nursing school - where you get Z to do most of the talking by rephrasing what he has said and by asking guided questions. It will show the counselors, if they are real ones, that you know how to help you son. It also allow M, the motor mouth. to spew his venom unchecked. It's time for them to see the family dynamics at work. Time for world to see you and Z trying to deal with your own personal Mini Hitler.
  
  The Block actually sounds like it could be against the law for underage children. This doesn't sound like mainstream therapy to me but more like imprisonment. Z needs to do what they ask and avoid this at all costs. If something happens to your son in this horrible place you need to sue them and your ex.
  & Now I Know...
  Sunday, June 28, 2015
  ...what it truly feels like to be an idiot.
  
  This is my mangled quote from Forrest Gump - as usual, the novel being MUCH better than the movie! Don't get me wrong, I love Tom Hanks & enjoyed the movie - but there again, Hollywood dumbed it down & sexed it up. There are many chewy kernels of philosophy buried in FG the novel, which is why I keep it amongst my favorite books, digging it out to re-read the best parts.
  
  In the novel, Forrest & Jenny hook up in college - but that would have ruined the romantic tension of the movie. Forrest was actually an idiot savant who, while he wasn't able to GRADUATE from college, earned an A in physics, became an astronaut, & met Rachel Welch in Hollywood...
  
  But as pleasant as it is to while away the time discussing the wit n' wisdom of FG, I actually sat down here to work through some (more) of my problems. Once again, last night passed in a fitful series of naps - my bladder woke me up at 6:00 AM but surprisingly dozed off & on until 8:15. I woke up w/the sickening realization that I SHOULD have just marched out w/Z in tow yesterday; what else can they do to me??!!?? I could have brought him back here to Houston w/me (I'm at MDA for routine testing which I've been overdue for) so I could have given him a brief respite in this nice Marriott for a couple of days before the next hearing 7/06 sets the course for Z's 17th year.
  
  I have a "Communication" worksheet that I'm supposed to complete for next week's session from Miss Thang, the counselor - guess I deserve "F's" bcz I get so fixated on the way I think things SHOULD go, that I don't want to listen to any alternative plans... I kept on telling Z we needed to play the game, follow the rules, work hard to get him out the "right" way so the judge can pat me on the head like a nice lil' compliant female & put things back as they should be... But the facts of the matter are - my ex hired the best lawyer, they're probable going to completely strip me of custody next week, and I'll lose any significant influence over my boy's senior year - that's even presuming he graduates!
  
  A couple of my friends have reacted likewise in shock & horror when I've let them read some of the counselor's emails - I call it The Stepford Ranch, but they call it a cult. Either description is apt.
  
  After breakfast, it's been misting rain off & on, so I nixed my plans of going over to Hermann Park - went down to gym & strolled on TM for an hour reading a cheap paperback. I broke a light sweat but no miraculous insights occurred. I'm still angry at myself.
  
  I keep these quotes filed away in my skull-full-of-mush, little snippets of music floating in my head to keep me motivated & moving - Z can't afford for me to fall apart. Originally I had planned for this weekend to be a couple's weekend for P & I (joking w/him that I really knew how to show a guy a good time - at the Texas Medical Center!!! But hey, it IS a nice hotel!) since his 48th BD was yesterday, but he opted out when one of our neighbors succumbed after a long battle w/cancer... That makes me feel even BETTER - thrown over for a dead man, so to speak! After all, funerals are for the living, & P had a nice visit w/JW 2 wks before he died. I wasn't going to demean myself by begging for his attention. I take full responsibility for that void of communication in our marriage too. Mea culpa.
  Quick Update
  Wednesday, July 08, 2015
  ...as I have no time for Deep Thoughts or any other flights of fancy, so just a quick Brain Dump:
  
  A.) Z completes 30 d of rehab tomorrow, NOT THAT THIS MEANS ANYTHING. Despite the fact that he was clear of all illict substances upon intake, his resistance to their 12-step methods has gotten him labeled resistant/in denial/noncompliant... Latest info from counselor: "45-60 d". This is positively Kafkaesque.
  
  B.) I have to go back to MD Anderson at the end of the month for more testing - my markers have been slowly rising & we finally pinpointed a cause: tumor in L clavicle!
  While everyone else flutters around sympathetically, I'm RELIEVED to finally have an identifiable point of origin. This should be amenable to another round of radiation (hopefully short-term but won't have Radiation Oncology consult until next round of testing completed). "More shall be revealed"
  
  C.) Judge signed off on temporary orders last Mon - while this doesn't strip me of custody (we remain "joint"), it gives Ex the rights for medical treatment, residence & therefore schools... I'm still shopping new lawyers since I don't understand what's so complicated about GETTING Z AN AUDIENCE W/JUDGE - it's absurd that a 17-yr old should have no voice as to where he lives or completes high school!?!?!?!?
  
  D.) Guilty as charged - although it fills me w/remorse, I'm sneaking away next week to get out to NM for a few d of riding... Lord knows I could use the R & R! These stressors have triggered an 8-lb regain which I need to reverse. Back AWAY from the carbs!!!
  
  I opted out of the parents' mtg last night (it'd be bad enough sitting thru all that BS w/Ex, but he brought She Who Shall Not Be Named!?!?!) & went by gym to stroll on TM which I figured would do me MORE good... It did, but this AM my R knee is stiff & painful, CAN'T I CATCH A BREAK HERE????
  Poetry is Good
  Saturday, July 18, 2015
  
  My forkful of scrambled eggs trembles – yet I don’t spill any of my breakfast down my shirt
  
  My forearm spasms as I grip the steering wheel – yet I drive all the way home safely
  
  A pillar of anxiety spears through my chest, unable to breathe deeply – yet I carry on
  
  The first step behind us, yet many more to come on this long lonely trail mijo
  
  I am relentless – I will not surrender
  
  I will fight for your best interests until every single resource is exhausted
  
  Until no breath remains in this body
  
  As I am to my mother so you are to me, my son
  
  A warm embrace, a squeeze of your hand, a brief shoulder rub
  
  All of my love is encapsulated in these small gestures for now
  
  A fellow embattled noncustodial mother started this website "Love Letters to My Children" - to which I've submitted a couple of poems. Obviously my ex is trolling for my alias - the FB post was deleted & my nom de plume was changed from "endurovet" to "E.V." Guess what, it's still a free country A$$hole!!!
  
  https://loveletterstoourchil
  dren.wordpress.com
  
  (Helpful hint: don't visit w/out a fistful of Kleenex!!! Besides being a helpful route of expression to me, this site reminds me to be grateful - things could be worse! I could've been one of these mothers who lost custody of their infants, toddlers, or young children... I don't know if I could "soldier on" if Z were say, 10 or 12 instead of 17!)
  
  But I've pruned through my SparkFriends list & won't be approving any new friends for now - I believe this avenue of expression is still safe.
  
  Z was finally released from the Stepford Ranch/12-Step Cult yesterday after 38 d; a week after insurance wisely terminated those benefits... I'd like to think it had something to do w/the phone call I made 12 d ago, speaking to "customer care provider" about how this particular program did NOT seem to be a good therapeutic fit for my son. I'll have my scheduled Sun visitation tomorrow so we can finally talk freely about Z's future... My attorney has filed for emergency review hearing - the new school year is galloping down upon us & I would like my son to have his say.
  
  (My blurry photo of my babygirl Princess's gravesite in NM - had to cut my pilgrimage short to race back to "family mtg" at Ranch, but even 2 d riding is better than nuthin'!)
  
  Edit Blog Entry   |   Delete Blog Entry
  Share This Post With Others
  Report Inappropriate Blog
  Member Comments About This Blog Post
  v CATIATM
  I can't believe the energy and resources your ex devotes to trying to control and hurt you and your son. Why are some people like this?? 18 is around the corner, and Ex is the big loser because his son won't want anything to do with him once he gets a say in the matter. Hang in there, my friend.
  2200 days ago
  v VIBRANTVAL
  Nice poem!!
  HUGS!!!!!!!
  Still thinking of you....still sending positive vibes your way!
  2218 days ago
  vCD12024980
  A beautiful poem.
  
  So please to hear Z is out .... I find it incredible to believe that they won't listen to a 17yo when I was listened to 30+ years ago at the age of 10.
  
  I am also glad you still have your outlet here,
  
  Thinking of you both and sending good vibes
  2219 days ago
  v LISA01605
  I am so glad Z has been let out of the ranch. You and your son are in my thoughts. I find it crazy that at 17 Z has no say in his future or living situation.
  2221 days ago
  vCD3378854
  I'm glad that you have found a secure outlet for your grief because this has got to be very hurtful for both you and Z. I'm sure that you are the main target of your exes venom anyway. He knows he can hurt you through Z.
  
  Thank God Z is out of that H-hole. Thank God the insurance put a stop to it or I'm sure he would have become a permanent prisoner there.
  
  Has Z left yet and will he have to immediately go to his second prison with your ex now?