The More Things Change...

...the more they remain the same, as I stealthily finish off the "ends" of an old bag of Fritos. It didn't even taste good, what the hell am I DOING?!?
Self-sabotage is my middle name.

Poor Pitiful Me

Friday, June 25, 2010

It would have been too much to expect TWO nights of decent sleep in a row [Wed night I tossed & turned - not one of the worst nights of insomnia I've ever had but not a good night either!]...
So last night I cheated & took 6 mg of doxylamine, almost as good!
Guilt is dogging my conscience as I walk my usual tightrope, juggling my responsibilities:
"Racing up to OK this weekend for a training ride when it's Hubby's B/D; what a BAD WIFE!"
[but there's no other time to do it]
"Mom continues to freak-out over Dad's health issues; how can I help her MORE?!?"
[I've got my own household/farm to caretake, for which I've only been able to put it the Bare Minimum: feed, water, & minimally clean up after all living beings, forgetting about niceties such as aesthetics or decluttering when I've also prepping for the T-ride!]
Frustration w/what I perceive as my riding buddy's poor communication skills: seems to be either nonexistent or harsh - I'm sure a lot of that is my own hypersensitivity, but STILL!

Obviously blowing things off & eating potato chips does NOTHING to facilitate Truth & Beauty, but somehow that is still a lesson I have to learn the hard way... 

Self-Flagellation

Friday, July 02, 2010

Earlier this week I decided in view of the overwhelming tidal wave of evidence flowing against us, to opt out of this year's Tevis ride. Once I went through the hard part - which is TELLING EVERYONE, first & foremost my ride partner Lucy! - for the most part I am relieved.
If I've learned nothing else in recent years, it's that I should trust my instincts.
I didn't hit any of my marks this spring: starting with the setbacks in training caused by nasty winter weather, I repeatedly failed to achieve minor goal after minor goal, which all adds up to an incomplete foundation for a tough ride like Tevis.
1.) Pulled myself @ 78 mi of my only chance to do a "Texas 100" in April.
2.) Failed to do my 2 days of riding over Memorial Day weekend (finished the 50 on Day 1, but was not granted completion - i.e. NOT "Fit To Continue")
3.) Too much goin' on to justify hauling off over Father's Day weekend to do a multiday in NM - somehow I still haven't found a way to be in more than one place simultaneously...

These things compounded by Lucy's own issues just made it all the easier. [Her backup horse developed ulcers; she didn't enjoy the Educational Ride experience - flying out to ride a friend's horse over Father's Day weekend...]

Anyway. What's done is done; & in many ways I am encouraged - I would have hated to miss my regular routine of riding at Ft Stanton! Beginning again to lay the foundation for NEXT year's Tevis...

Now if only I could GET OFF MY OWN BACK! Bcz certainly snacking on junk food, staying up too late, & getting inadequate rest is counterproductive. Ah well, we begin again. 

"Restart"

Monday, July 19, 2010

With a heavy sigh, I prepare to re-enter Real Life: driving back from Ft Stanton yesterday; took an extra day off today for R & R...
Do I enter this as one more Epic Fail? Successfully completed 4 out of 6 days on those tough desert trails... After a thorough, bone-chillin' soaking in heavy rains on Day 1 [last Sun], I decided not to ride Mon bcz of treacherous trail conditions (mud). [Bundled up for an hour Sun afternoon before I felt warm again!]
Of course the sun came out Mon AM; trails dried out beautifully & were in good shape by midday. Go figure.
Good ride Tuesday, the Day of Rest on Wed, rode again w/brief afternoon downpours on Thurs & Friday... B-boy's back had gotten sore - I switched saddle & saddle pad but didn't feel right putting him through another tough ride on Saturday. The final straw was a little heat & swelling in his LF tendon sheath. I can't afford an injury that might place Mr B on Injured Reserve for several months!
Of course I KNEW I wouldn't lose any weight; eating w/no regard for carbs/calories/or anything else on my VACATION, so today I Begin Again - I certainly don't want to wipe out my slim margin of progress by the time I go back for my endocrinologist's appt next month! 

What Day is This Again?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I was thrilled to see a new entry from my homegirl Mamadoc, even as I echo her sentiments that I wouldn't recognize "rock bottom" if it bit me in the butt...

All last week, as I was supposed to be relaxing/enjoying my annual NM desert vacation, I tormented myself as I contemplated all that I've FAILED to accomplish, & all I've left behind over the past 10 yrs: [just a few cherry-picked examples]

A.) In 10 yrs of competition at this ride, not ONCE have I managed to ride the entire ride: the 1st year, it was only 3 d - I rode 2. Then it was expanded to 5 d in '02 & '03; again, the best I managed was 4 d. From '04 - present, it has been a 6-d ride [two 3-d segments separated by a Wed Day of Rest]; I've managed to complete a couple of the 3-d "pioneer" rides [Sahara earned me a jacket; Midge a sweatshirt], but have never managed to Do It All...

B.) & of course, since the ride has traditionally been held in July [one year it was in June, but wouldn't ya know it, that year my ex elected to start the damnable summer visitation EARLY], not ONCE in all these years have I been able to show my son the beauty & awesomeness of the high desert. [Watching "Young Guns" w/him, which was filmed in Lincoln County, just don't quite cut it!]

C.) My darling Wynk is deceased; Sahara is retired, Quigley is crippled - while I still struggle to fix Baraq's assorted "issues" [several of which stem directly from the fact that he's carrying yep, about 40 more lbs of freight than he should have to! I can make all the jokes I want about him just not growin' big enuff, but photographic evidence doesn't lie!]

Last week when I was taking a Porta-Potty break, I grabbed the big half-moon of my pannus between my hands & wondered how much less poor Baraq-baby would trip & stumble if I could just amputate those extra 20 lbs. If only it were that easy. 

Not Waving but Drowning

My anxiety was off the charts today... Finally achieved a small floating plateau of peacefulness after 3 g Bali, 1 Mudslide, & an hour & a half of Yin yoga. Don’t know if I could call those mild hallucinations? - brief visions of horrifying faces floating across the ceiling tiles as Nicki talked us through what was SUPPOSED to be our calming final meditation: some red-eyed hillbilly in a ball cap, morphing into another masculine creature... Sheesh.

Three Weeks Until Departure...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I wish I could bottle this feeling - the simple flow of health & well-being that comes from getting a good night's sleep!
I want to carefully retrace all my actions so PERHAPS I could have a repeat performance tonight...
A.) Made it by the gym if only for a brief 20-min session on elliptical; enough to work up a good sweat!
B.) A short ride last night - just so I could feel as though I was accomplishing something to offset my increasing anxiety about Tevis (3 wks + 1 d before departure!!??!!) - even though I didn't have to courage to undertake crupper-training (maybe tonight - that way if he bucks me off, I'll have my day off Thurs to recover ;-)!
C.) Probably the most important factor: stayed OFF the computer last night, so I went to bed early... 

• vHOPEFULHIPPO
  that "computer" factor is pretty hard for me too! LOL
  3122 days ago

Disquietude

So much recent research has stressed the importance of the GI biome - no doubt it IS important, supplementing w/probiotics on an “as-needed” basis has certainly helped ME - but also tends to make me shake my head sadly, as many seem to have disappeared up their own asses...
I never want to be one of those Little Old Ladies who charts my every BM & flatus. However, my gut  is still somewhat unsettled, makes me wonder how much of this uneasy feeling** IS to blame on dueling microbes? Last night I feared I had shart myself, but fortunately it was only a gaseous eruption - hopefully the last of a minor case of Delhi Belly (we took the boys out for Indian food Thurs night).
** nah, I certainly have Real Cause as I monitor Z’s tumultuous moods - from Ecstasy to Agony when he overlooked the registration fees & got himself booted from Navarro’s system. Thankfully All’s Well That Ends Well, he got himself reinstated Friday morning, logged on Friday night to redo his assignments in the nick of time before a midnight deadline...

Minus Six Weeks & Counting...

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Shopping for a new bathing suit yesterday was DISCOURAGING to say the least...
I still resemble nothing so much as a fireplug, just a solid mass of flesh from shoulders to hips. I feel a few tweaks of soreness in my back today: in the absence of my horse, I intensified my core workouts yesterday. (esp since the hotel's so-called "fitness center" was a pretty sad affair w/1 TM, 1 light-duty elliptical, & 1 stationary bike - & the treadmill was out of order!)
At least said flesh seems to be firming up a bit... 

"Minus Four Weeks & Counting: Time for Final Tune-Up"

Sunday, June 20, 2010

"There's still time" - this is the phrase I kept whispering to myself as the past couple of wks have passed in a frenzied maelstrom of activities w/my boy as my extremely precious Limited Summer-Time w/him drew to a close [I took him out to his father's yesterday for summer visitation - yep, looks like that man owes me ANOTHER favor!]
Quite frankly, I haven't worried too much about my diet or exercise plan - it reminds me of other snippets I've read... I don't want to be so obsessed by trying to peel off (oh, let's be optimistic here!) 8 more lbs before I clamber onto Baraq's poor narrow lil' back & try once more to conquer those Tevis trails - that I don't focus on the HERE & NOW.
(i.e. I'm not going to berate myself for sharing big buckets of movie popcorn, cheesecake on Z's B/D, or potato chips when we - shhh! - stayed up extra-late on his last night @ home for a while)
I only wish sometimes that I could time-travel to go give my 25-yr old self that message! Diets do nothing but wreck your metabolism, and there's a lot more to life than tracking the mileage I log w/my pounding footfalls on that treadmill at the gym...
One of my riding buddies had these helpful hints for riding in the heat; that's what I plan to do this afternoon after spending a lil' time w/dear ol' dad [Happy Father's Day!]
"First, I drink a bottle of water per hour. Next, I take S!Caps e'lytes designed for runners. Caplets, easy to carry. Then Cliff bars do well with me, and last, I carry a packet of Gu, or Powerbar gel to take if I get the funk. Today I popped a Tums when I started to feel just a tad bleh. If I am gonna be out away from a way to refill my water, I carry my bigger bottles that hold double. "
Now I have nothing left to distract me from these final preparations to achieve my goal. This ol' bod managed to haul in 100 bales of hay yesterday evening in 98-degree heat; who knows how far I can go?? 

(Catching up on my “editing” since I’ve already fallen behind)

"Day 29: Six Weeks, Seriously?"

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

My sinuses are dripping, my head is throbbing intermittently, and my nails are bitten & torn to the quick...
No, I couldn't possibly be stressed.
I was an emotional wreck as I watched last weekend trickle away; filling the hours w/so much "busywork" that I didn't even get in a short training ride. Baraq didn't trot out 100% sound until last Thursday [5 d post-ride; the general rule of thumb is to allow at least that much time over again as a recovery period], so I didn't see the point in pushing it. I surely would have been setting myself up for another grand failure by hauling off near Amarillo in our sudden-onset oppressive summer heat & humidity.
I can always revisit my memories of my last Tevis attempt, one short decade ago, to remind myself that while in some ways it does feel like "deja vu all over again", things COULD be worse!
A.) Wynk & I were pulled after the 1st loop of a 100-mi attempt in April for a forelimb lameness; as I recall it was probably a stone bruise as we had to do an early-morning loop down a looooooooooong stretch of gravel road.
B.) Then we were pulled @ 90 miles for a LR lameness at May's 100-mi event. Completely disheartening, but it told me I had to fall back on "Plan B", which was picking up on lil' Ahab, my backup horse. Fortunately a friend had ridden him to a successful completion on HIS 1st 100-miler at our April event...
He did me proud at HIS one & only test ride pre-Tevis, a 2-d ride in sultry E Texas at the end of June (one month before The Ride): he took 4th place in a 25-mi ride on Sat, then placed 2nd & won Best Condition on Day 2, toting my freight in the 50.
That probably made me overconfident.
My good friend Barbara had volunteered to haul us in her rig & crew for me, since at that time [approx 7 mos post-divorce], I had lost "The Big Rig" [living-quarters trailer] & was down to my lil' ol' 2-horse bumper-pull trailer & a half-ton pickup.
Unfortunately, despite all our precautions, Ahab suffered some sort of mishap while traveling, and walked off the trailer LAME when we got to California...
What a disaster - I cursed & prayed & meditated, consulted a few friends who had also made the trek that year, & decided to lease a mule - pouring out a little more $$$ rather than let the trip be a complete waste...
Jake was a good one, but obviously I had never ridden him before, wasn't sure how hard I could push him. Throughout the day, we fell further & further behind our pace until we were pulled for missing a cutoff time @ Deadwood, 56 mi into The Ride. THEN when that booger recognized that we were on "the home stretch" [his home pasture was near Auburn], it was all I could do to hold him back! But it was already too late, we were disqualified.
I got Mr B's repaired headstall back in the mail yesterday (he had panicked at a Horrible Plastic Bag floating through the parking area, set back on it & tore the side piece & sprung one of the snaps a couple of weeks ago - so hey, there's something else to be proud of - he completed our last ride wearing one of Sahara's old halters - I joked that maybe some of her wonderful [trail] temperament would rub off on him! I will never forget how she led the pack for a while at her 1st LD event, no one could believe she was barely 4 years old), so since I am ceding this evening to ex as a pre-birthday celebration w/Zach, I should put it on him & at least go around the block. And so it goes... 

Howling Cold Winds

The Ft Worth Stock Show Parade was canceled today for only the 2nd time that I know of... While the weather can be marginal & is often cold & rainy, most years “the show must go on!”
Now **I** haven’t ridden the Parade in about 27 yrs, since Michael & I did it with his LTV coworkers. Maybe next year?
What a deep abiding sense of relief to have my Moonshine home, even if it’s predicated upon poor Rodney’s illness. Mommy’s so sorry my darling, I never ever NEVER should have sent ya away! I’ll bundle up to go down to the barn in a few to massage your poor scarred nose...

"Day 16: Recommitting"

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

As I mentioned yesterday, I started my week tired & stressed...
Once again I allowed myself to be swept up in cyberspace [yes I know, how ironic that I'm bitching about it here!] & let my lunch hour pass w/out a gym visit. I use blog-surfing as a distraction & stress relief, not to mention on some of my busier sites I will occasionally come across a stimulating discussion; it can make you think!
So I dropped by the gym for a "quickie" last night; 35 min on TM. I can't do aerobic exercise too close to bedtime, otherwise I can't get to sleep, but I finished it up shortly after 8 PM which worked out OK. 
The thought occurred to me how I will NOT take anything for granted when I succeed in peeling off this excess weight... I will not forget this painful & lonely time. 
[Strange that I've tried to recruit hubby in my fitness & weight loss efforts multiple times over the years, but he either never gets on board to begin with, or never stays w/me for long... Not my problem, is it?]
Also thankful to report that my dad is fine; had dinner w/the folks last night (soup & salad) & I pointedly left my bottle of electrolyte tablets w/MOM, who will enforce their administration! 

Day 24: Deja Vu All Over Again

Thursday, June 03, 2010

If only I had a small sum awarded to me for each failure to complete a ride - well, it might not be enough to fill the gas tank in the motorhome, but it wouldn't be an inconsequential sum...
I did it AGAIN last weekend w/a stunning combination of poor planning, tough trails, & an all-around hard day: Baraq & I finished the 50-mi distance, but he was too footsore, tired & weary to pass the final vet check. 
Therefore almost 11 hrs of effort went for naught!
A.) I didn't pack extra electrolyte powder for the horses. [my failure to double-check Maddie's packing]
B.) I didn't retrieve some of my HUMAN electrolyte tablets from my dad, which means I started getting overheated & dehydrated on the 2nd loop; if ride management hadn't had big Igloos of a human electrolyte drink at regular intervals, I probably would have had to quit. I had several "low spells" throughout the day, fought nausea at several points which I KNEW would have been my quitting point if I had succumbed...
C.) Failure to replace the rabbit-chewed tubing on my Camelback last week, so I had to ration out my water - see Footnote B above!

Anyway, berating myself for my shortcomings is pointless, other than reminding myself to do better next time - the problem is, there won't BE an official "next time" before the Tevis; this will be my last scheduled endurance ride. Only training rides between now & then!
I had planned to go the ride in the Panhandle next weekend, but there's no point in investing in that haul w/a marginal mount. We'd just rack up another resounding failure.
I'll have to get to the "Deja Vu" aspects in another post...
Needless to say I was shocked & horrified, studying my profile in the mirror on Monday-after-the-ride. Poor posture, no bra [my great idea of protecting my cleavage w/Band-aids on Sat didn't work either, so I got horribly chafed!], & an unflattering skort did not help anything.
Don't worry, I'm not ABOUT to post any pictures
Nothing else to be gained by sitting around & meditating about this, so I try to pick up the pieces & carry on... 

My iPad is Great...

...for some things, but a real PITA for others - such as trying to edit a blog post that extends beyond its half-page capacity. I’m obviously too dim-witted to figure it out so hey! just make another post, there ain’t any penalties...
I know that my poor mother has been slowly pulled down the rabbit-hole of caretaking my dad as he slowly deteriorates in the grip of vascular dementia/Type 3 diabetes for almost 10 years now (I can’t tell you how many times we’ve asserted that no, he is NOT diabetic although Alzheimer’s has been classified as “Type 3”... It's not typical Alzheimer’s either, or I think the course would have been more rapid.)
In many ways it would have been more merciful if a “big stroke” would have taken him away - I know he would NEVER have wanted to end up in this weakened, incontinent, forgetful situation.

"Day 15: Real Life Intrudes"

Monday, May 24, 2010

Today is one of those Mondays where it's almost a RELIEF to get to work, sit down & shuffle paperwork for a while!
The weekend passed in an amazing blur of activity; rudely interrupted yesterday by what my spidey-sense knew was coming - a frantic phone call from my mom.
Yesterday afternoon, my dad overheated on the tennis court (yes of course he's still playing @ age 81); his buddies panicked & called 911. The paramedics juiced him up w/IV fluids & took him to the ER, so that's where I spent most of yesterday afternoon!
Dad was already mad as hell, since he had told them he didn't WANT to go to the hosp, got fed up w/the whole "hurry up & wait" process & signed himself out "against medical advice" shortly after 5 PM... My mom was stressing out about it, but I thought he was OK after they cooled him out & got him rehydrated. I told him he couldn't abuse his body w/the same impunity that he used to in his younger days. (He went out Sun AM on an empty stomach - just drank a couple of cups of black coffee - w/his usual big jug o' ice water. I have nagged him for years to please drink a little Gatorade now & then, but he doesn't "LIKE" it!)
After all, he had just seen his new cardiologist (nagging probs w/high blood pressure, they added another med to his small pharmacy) a couple of weeks ago who pronounced his heart "fine". I got him to swallow a few electrolyte tabs, offered to leave him the bottle if he would TAKE a few when he went out in the heat, but I guess I'll just have to dose him myself in the future - he politely declined.
I told Mom that if he dropped dead on the tennis court, that's probably just the way he'd want it anyway.
I woke up hungry this AM, but am determined to get back on the bandwagon - another rude reality check yesterday evening, when I impulsively decided to step onto the Wii Balance Board & do a few yoga poses to wind down after a stressful day... It had been over a year since my little avatar had logged in, & the damn machine claims I've gained 5 lbs since then.
Damn! 

Full Cronehood

Now that I’m almost 4 yrs into complete menopause, where do I line up to get my Crone pin?
Too bad I don’t wear broaches. The aging process continues, inexorable & inescapable - if recent events like the sudden untimely death of 61-yr old Ginger (ascending aortic aneurysm) & abrupt news of my farrier’s congestive heart failure aren’t enough to convince me to Get Busy Living, then nothing will. So yeah, I’m going to this yoga retreat in Mexico even if I can’t convince any other friends to accompany me. #YOLO as the kids say!

"Blue Monday" [actually RED]

Monday, May 17, 2010

After skipping a couple of months & filling me w/blissful hope that "This Was It", my perimenopausal reproductive-metabolism has gifted me w/another period...
I always hated all those cute & not-so-cute metaphors: The Curse, a visit from Aunt Flo, [insert your own catchphrase here].
I quirked my eyebrow in disdain in my younger years at the women who hunched over their heating pads at "that time of the month", popping Advil or Midol as they complained bitterly of bloating, cramps, & other ill effects of what, after all, is supposed to be a perfectly normal & healthy physiologic function...
However, as my ovarian clock starts to slow down [I'm skipped a few periods over the past couple of yrs; my ob/gyn has pronounced me "perimenopausal" & I've been spoiled by "3-d specials" - one day of moderate flow & a couple days' of spotting], I have noticed more than anything that my mildly debilitating PMS symptoms have intensified: a crushing but thankfully short-lived wave of depression, irritability, water retention, & chocolate cravings...
I've heard several of my contemporaries describe as That Feeling of Imminent Doom, esp when accompanied by those glorious night sweats! - but the description is apt no matter what time The Feeling strikes - a horrible sense of unworthiness & impending disaster...
No matter - I'm doing my best to Stay the Course here; I know things will improve. 

Recurring Patterns

"Day 4 of 30-d Shred"

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I enjoy gazing upon the random pattern of scattered sweat droplets that dot the belt of my treadmill after I've clocked my "time" for the day...
[50 min, Cardio Level 4, 3.35 mi, av. speed 4.1 MPH]
The machine claims 600+ calories burned, but I have my doubts (I read somewhere about how grossly inflated these estimates are). What I DO trust is research from Dr Cooper, many yrs ago when I was but a fresh young runner [I used to charge out full of enthusiasm, injure myself or just get tired/sore & burnt-out, & quit - thus my 23+ yr cycle of intermittant running!] => basically an efficient runner going @ his/her most comfortable pace would burn approx 10 cal/min... So that would put me around 500 cal - THAT I can believe.
[Good, that means I burned off the 3 flour tortillas I ate during a celebratory breakfast w/an old friend of mine!]
I'm being very slow & cautious in this 30 d experiment of mine - in recent years, I have followed current recommendations to run on an every-other-day basis to avoid injury...
I enjoy the elliptical but cannot manage to read a book while I'm gliding along! So for now I will continue harnessing myself to the good ol' TM: I can accomplish not only a workout, but the brief escape from reality that a good book provides. Win-win all around! 

**********************************************************

I’d be afraid to push my poor ol’ decrepit feet up to a 4.1 MPH pace these days - 2 days ago I knocked out 5K on the treadmill in 56 min, average pace around 3.3 MPH. Not too shabby!

Another grey chilly day - impossible for me to have any enthusiasm for outdoor activity with this miserable cold intolerance, it seems to get worse every winter. But I guess as long as I can keep moving, I should be grateful.

In Limbo

As I was commenting on another friend’s blog, as is often the case - an insight floated into my foggy consciousness: it’s as if I’m in limbo until something gets settled - the direction of my clinic, my son’s future, etc.
This amorphous uncertainty is maddening, but in the meantime I can sift through old posts from Spark People as I untangle my motivations...

I joined SparkPeople in the spring of 2010, hoping I’d found the solution to peel off a few pounds, improve my fitness, and get through the greatest challenge of endurance riding, the Tevis Cup.
*************************************************
“10 1/2 Weeks”
Tuesday May 10, 2010
Nope, better go elsewhere if you're looking for something salacious!
(The photo link didn’t come across)
This is the shrinking time frame until the Tevis ride... A cold chill went down my spine as I finished filling out my entry forms last week.
It's an awfully big commitment in time, money, & EFFORT for me to set myself up for another failure.
So I hereby commit to daily gym sessions as I work my way through my "Back Strengthening" book:
(Renew link later)
[Hmmm, no picture - I may try to post my own later!]

That's my Wynk in his prime, circa Y2K.  Let's hope your baby brother can fill your hoofprints.
(Blogger is not helping me out on these old photos!)

[I apologize for the sideways photos - those are old-school printed photos which I scanned in & I'm not tech-savvy enough to know how to rotate the images!]

Comment:
SERENITYKC
You are so focused on this ride, and that is a good thing. If you are like me, you find it easier to focus on health if there is a reason to do it. Back strength is probably VERY important for this long ride, so I'm impressed that you are working on it. You go, girl!
3169 days ago