Self-sabotage is my middle name.
Poor Pitiful Me
Friday, June 25, 2010
It would have been too much to expect TWO nights of decent sleep in a row [Wed night I tossed & turned - not one of the worst nights of insomnia I've ever had but not a good night either!]...
So last night I cheated & took 6 mg of doxylamine, almost as good!
Guilt is dogging my conscience as I walk my usual tightrope, juggling my responsibilities:
"Racing up to OK this weekend for a training ride when it's Hubby's B/D; what a BAD WIFE!"
[but there's no other time to do it]
"Mom continues to freak-out over Dad's health issues; how can I help her MORE?!?"
[I've got my own household/farm to caretake, for which I've only been able to put it the Bare Minimum: feed, water, & minimally clean up after all living beings, forgetting about niceties such as aesthetics or decluttering when I've also prepping for the T-ride!]
Frustration w/what I perceive as my riding buddy's poor communication skills: seems to be either nonexistent or harsh - I'm sure a lot of that is my own hypersensitivity, but STILL!
Obviously blowing things off & eating potato chips does NOTHING to facilitate Truth & Beauty, but somehow that is still a lesson I have to learn the hard way...
So last night I cheated & took 6 mg of doxylamine, almost as good!
Guilt is dogging my conscience as I walk my usual tightrope, juggling my responsibilities:
"Racing up to OK this weekend for a training ride when it's Hubby's B/D; what a BAD WIFE!"
[but there's no other time to do it]
"Mom continues to freak-out over Dad's health issues; how can I help her MORE?!?"
[I've got my own household/farm to caretake, for which I've only been able to put it the Bare Minimum: feed, water, & minimally clean up after all living beings, forgetting about niceties such as aesthetics or decluttering when I've also prepping for the T-ride!]
Frustration w/what I perceive as my riding buddy's poor communication skills: seems to be either nonexistent or harsh - I'm sure a lot of that is my own hypersensitivity, but STILL!
Obviously blowing things off & eating potato chips does NOTHING to facilitate Truth & Beauty, but somehow that is still a lesson I have to learn the hard way...
Self-Flagellation
Friday, July 02, 2010
Earlier this week I decided in view of the overwhelming tidal wave of evidence flowing against us, to opt out of this year's Tevis ride. Once I went through the hard part - which is TELLING EVERYONE, first & foremost my ride partner Lucy! - for the most part I am relieved.
If I've learned nothing else in recent years, it's that I should trust my instincts.
I didn't hit any of my marks this spring: starting with the setbacks in training caused by nasty winter weather, I repeatedly failed to achieve minor goal after minor goal, which all adds up to an incomplete foundation for a tough ride like Tevis.
1.) Pulled myself @ 78 mi of my only chance to do a "Texas 100" in April.
2.) Failed to do my 2 days of riding over Memorial Day weekend (finished the 50 on Day 1, but was not granted completion - i.e. NOT "Fit To Continue")
3.) Too much goin' on to justify hauling off over Father's Day weekend to do a multiday in NM - somehow I still haven't found a way to be in more than one place simultaneously...
These things compounded by Lucy's own issues just made it all the easier. [Her backup horse developed ulcers; she didn't enjoy the Educational Ride experience - flying out to ride a friend's horse over Father's Day weekend...]
Anyway. What's done is done; & in many ways I am encouraged - I would have hated to miss my regular routine of riding at Ft Stanton! Beginning again to lay the foundation for NEXT year's Tevis...
Now if only I could GET OFF MY OWN BACK! Bcz certainly snacking on junk food, staying up too late, & getting inadequate rest is counterproductive. Ah well, we begin again.
If I've learned nothing else in recent years, it's that I should trust my instincts.
I didn't hit any of my marks this spring: starting with the setbacks in training caused by nasty winter weather, I repeatedly failed to achieve minor goal after minor goal, which all adds up to an incomplete foundation for a tough ride like Tevis.
1.) Pulled myself @ 78 mi of my only chance to do a "Texas 100" in April.
2.) Failed to do my 2 days of riding over Memorial Day weekend (finished the 50 on Day 1, but was not granted completion - i.e. NOT "Fit To Continue")
3.) Too much goin' on to justify hauling off over Father's Day weekend to do a multiday in NM - somehow I still haven't found a way to be in more than one place simultaneously...
These things compounded by Lucy's own issues just made it all the easier. [Her backup horse developed ulcers; she didn't enjoy the Educational Ride experience - flying out to ride a friend's horse over Father's Day weekend...]
Anyway. What's done is done; & in many ways I am encouraged - I would have hated to miss my regular routine of riding at Ft Stanton! Beginning again to lay the foundation for NEXT year's Tevis...
Now if only I could GET OFF MY OWN BACK! Bcz certainly snacking on junk food, staying up too late, & getting inadequate rest is counterproductive. Ah well, we begin again.
"Restart"
Monday, July 19, 2010
With a heavy sigh, I prepare to re-enter Real Life: driving back from Ft Stanton yesterday; took an extra day off today for R & R...
Do I enter this as one more Epic Fail? Successfully completed 4 out of 6 days on those tough desert trails... After a thorough, bone-chillin' soaking in heavy rains on Day 1 [last Sun], I decided not to ride Mon bcz of treacherous trail conditions (mud). [Bundled up for an hour Sun afternoon before I felt warm again!]
Of course the sun came out Mon AM; trails dried out beautifully & were in good shape by midday. Go figure.
Good ride Tuesday, the Day of Rest on Wed, rode again w/brief afternoon downpours on Thurs & Friday... B-boy's back had gotten sore - I switched saddle & saddle pad but didn't feel right putting him through another tough ride on Saturday. The final straw was a little heat & swelling in his LF tendon sheath. I can't afford an injury that might place Mr B on Injured Reserve for several months!
Of course I KNEW I wouldn't lose any weight; eating w/no regard for carbs/calories/or anything else on my VACATION, so today I Begin Again - I certainly don't want to wipe out my slim margin of progress by the time I go back for my endocrinologist's appt next month!
Do I enter this as one more Epic Fail? Successfully completed 4 out of 6 days on those tough desert trails... After a thorough, bone-chillin' soaking in heavy rains on Day 1 [last Sun], I decided not to ride Mon bcz of treacherous trail conditions (mud). [Bundled up for an hour Sun afternoon before I felt warm again!]
Of course the sun came out Mon AM; trails dried out beautifully & were in good shape by midday. Go figure.
Good ride Tuesday, the Day of Rest on Wed, rode again w/brief afternoon downpours on Thurs & Friday... B-boy's back had gotten sore - I switched saddle & saddle pad but didn't feel right putting him through another tough ride on Saturday. The final straw was a little heat & swelling in his LF tendon sheath. I can't afford an injury that might place Mr B on Injured Reserve for several months!
Of course I KNEW I wouldn't lose any weight; eating w/no regard for carbs/calories/or anything else on my VACATION, so today I Begin Again - I certainly don't want to wipe out my slim margin of progress by the time I go back for my endocrinologist's appt next month!
What Day is This Again?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I was thrilled to see a new entry from my homegirl Mamadoc, even as I echo her sentiments that I wouldn't recognize "rock bottom" if it bit me in the butt...
All last week, as I was supposed to be relaxing/enjoying my annual NM desert vacation, I tormented myself as I contemplated all that I've FAILED to accomplish, & all I've left behind over the past 10 yrs: [just a few cherry-picked examples]
A.) In 10 yrs of competition at this ride, not ONCE have I managed to ride the entire ride: the 1st year, it was only 3 d - I rode 2. Then it was expanded to 5 d in '02 & '03; again, the best I managed was 4 d. From '04 - present, it has been a 6-d ride [two 3-d segments separated by a Wed Day of Rest]; I've managed to complete a couple of the 3-d "pioneer" rides [Sahara earned me a jacket; Midge a sweatshirt], but have never managed to Do It All...
B.) & of course, since the ride has traditionally been held in July [one year it was in June, but wouldn't ya know it, that year my ex elected to start the damnable summer visitation EARLY], not ONCE in all these years have I been able to show my son the beauty & awesomeness of the high desert. [Watching "Young Guns" w/him, which was filmed in Lincoln County, just don't quite cut it!]
C.) My darling Wynk is deceased; Sahara is retired, Quigley is crippled - while I still struggle to fix Baraq's assorted "issues" [several of which stem directly from the fact that he's carrying yep, about 40 more lbs of freight than he should have to! I can make all the jokes I want about him just not growin' big enuff, but photographic evidence doesn't lie!]
Last week when I was taking a Porta-Potty break, I grabbed the big half-moon of my pannus between my hands & wondered how much less poor Baraq-baby would trip & stumble if I could just amputate those extra 20 lbs. If only it were that easy.
All last week, as I was supposed to be relaxing/enjoying my annual NM desert vacation, I tormented myself as I contemplated all that I've FAILED to accomplish, & all I've left behind over the past 10 yrs: [just a few cherry-picked examples]
A.) In 10 yrs of competition at this ride, not ONCE have I managed to ride the entire ride: the 1st year, it was only 3 d - I rode 2. Then it was expanded to 5 d in '02 & '03; again, the best I managed was 4 d. From '04 - present, it has been a 6-d ride [two 3-d segments separated by a Wed Day of Rest]; I've managed to complete a couple of the 3-d "pioneer" rides [Sahara earned me a jacket; Midge a sweatshirt], but have never managed to Do It All...
B.) & of course, since the ride has traditionally been held in July [one year it was in June, but wouldn't ya know it, that year my ex elected to start the damnable summer visitation EARLY], not ONCE in all these years have I been able to show my son the beauty & awesomeness of the high desert. [Watching "Young Guns" w/him, which was filmed in Lincoln County, just don't quite cut it!]
C.) My darling Wynk is deceased; Sahara is retired, Quigley is crippled - while I still struggle to fix Baraq's assorted "issues" [several of which stem directly from the fact that he's carrying yep, about 40 more lbs of freight than he should have to! I can make all the jokes I want about him just not growin' big enuff, but photographic evidence doesn't lie!]
Last week when I was taking a Porta-Potty break, I grabbed the big half-moon of my pannus between my hands & wondered how much less poor Baraq-baby would trip & stumble if I could just amputate those extra 20 lbs. If only it were that easy.
No comments:
Post a Comment