Technical Difficulties

Suppressed Anger...

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I got up around 7 bcz I was no longer sleeping, so what was the point of lying in bed? (I crashed last night a little after 11 PM, just couldn't endure any more of the senseless movie Hubs had plugged in!) Actually got a fairly-decent night's sleep, although as usual I was up @ 4 AM to empty my bladder, & have a few vague memories of hearing isolated episodes of snoring from Hubby...
I wanted to grab this tiny isolated slice of "Me Time" this AM, enjoying the (relative) peace & calm before even my Sunday is off to a roaring start. (As I type, I can hear the bird teasing the dog & Qubie my donkey has seen lights in the house so he's brayed a couple of times for his breakfast - so it's never COMPLETE peace n' quiet!)
I'm frustrated bcz once again, despite yesterday's PERFECT weather, Z sloughed off on riding w/me - I just didn't have the energy to force him. We went out to the Ft Worth Stock Show which gives me a mixture of fond & not-so-fond memories: I USED to take my Burro Boys for the Donkey & Mule show... We were never serious competitors but we still had a lot of fun. However, over the yrs the competition got bigger, dragged on longer & was no longer as enjoyable. I really wanted Z to be able to participate (they have lead-line activities for the youngest riders & really do encourage youth participation), yet it seemed most of the time the events were scheduled on my non-custody weekends... It was just no longer worth the investment of my limited free time & ever-decreasing, closely marshaled energy resources.

(I'd rather wear myself to a frazzle doing an endurance ride, thank you very much.)

I was looking for an old show photo of Qube & I w/his cart, but instead happened upon this photo of Z attempting to tame a wild pony on the moors - our summer '04 UK visit!

My MIL booked me a spot on this "Barn-to-Pub" hack - if she knew nothing else about me, she knew I was MISERABLE, having to go two weeks w/out riding! A very generous gift from her - I really didn't want her to spend that on me, but she insisted so I tried to accept graciously. (Of course there's nothing like riding your own horse, but a 2-hr plod on a rented cob was better than nuthin'!)

& addressing my anger issues - there's no point to this frustration; my busy life is what it is - I'm already obligated to church & sponsoring a freeze-branding session at my clinic this afternoon, w/rain threatening today there'll be no time to ride... & probably no gym visit either; I just have to deal w/it. Things don't always work out the way I've planned.

All or Nothing Thinking

Monday, January 31, 2011

...Is certainly my downfall; I have this dreadful habit of chucking all good intentions out the freakin' window when things don't go "MY" way...

I truly feel like a Sandwich Generation-person, since all of last weekend seemed to be devoted to son, parents, & Making Other People Happy. That should give me some warm fuzzy feelings instead of the treacherous resentment that now seeps into my soul... It seems to be a Long Damn Time until my next ride (end of Feb).

Maybe I expect too much of people - gotten deeply hooked on the convenience/immediacy of email communication; it mildly pisses me off when so-called friends don't reply. Guess I need to lower those ol' expectations, eh?

Missed out on last weekend's Long Run (I SHOULD have done another 6-miler), so today I mashed things up w/a combo "Easy Long Run". Only had time for 4 mi, but that was better than crouching sulkily in my office. It's funny; I know some people say they have strong emotions stirred up by their runs. Generally that hasn't been the case for me, but today I could very easily have wept as I cranked up the speed a little (a whopping 4.8 MPH) for that last quarter-mile. Time is flying by; I'm going to have to act as Enforcer if my boy doesn't put in at least a bare-minimum base of training for our half - no one knows better than ME how you can slough off yet still manage to struggle through! But I would like it to be an ENJOYABLE experience for him rather than a death march...

There's so much I WANT to do w/my boy, yet precious little time. I've tried not to let my weight interfere w/active pursuits w/him (there are some hideous rock-climbing pictures from the '08 Alaskan cruise we took w/my parents; I ought to post THOSE for motivation!) - & as always, the damnable visitation schedule disqualifies us from a LOT. I'm hazily plotting out a nice trip for us over Spring Break since it's "MY" year; of course that has to include a ride, but hopefully also a trip back to the coast so my old friend J can meet my boy.

Snow Days...

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

...Doesn't take much to shut down bidness here in N Texas! (most of us don't have a CLUE how to drive on ice)
I'm still decompressing from yesterday's stress: despite the winter storm bearing down upon us, Ex insisted on picking Z for regularly-scheduled Mon night visitation. (let me try to give you a compressed history, dear SparkFriends, which will help explain why I've had such a hard time "moving on" after my divorce almost 12 yrs ago...)

Most middle-aged men lose their heads (ahem, both of 'em!) to younger women & abandon their families; mine took a different route instead, taking up w/a woman 10 yrs older than himself (making her 14 yrs older than Yours Truly). While I can't claim we were BFF, we WERE social acquaintances & riding buddies which made their actions even more treacherous - ANYWAY!

Obviously they are still together - S, however, never formally divorced her husband, & he was killed in his private plane 18 mos ago (under suspicious circumstances IMO; I spoke my piece to the NTSB investigator & in the end it was written off as "pilot error")

Mon night our mini-ice storm hit; school was canceled. I crept into work Tues AM & called M shortly after 10 AM to set up a mtg place so I could pick Z up...
"I'm not getting out in this weather!" was his exact quote, so I said Fine, I'll come get him... (This from the man who spent his teenage yrs in CO)
I don't know if M thought I would chicken out or give up??? but to make a long story shorter, it took me a little over 2 hrs. I called again from Forney & tried one more time to see if he would meet me @ the Tractor Supply in Terrell - No! - so I said Open your gate, I'll be there in about an hr.
I pull into the Circle J, get out to clear my windshield & start kicking some of the ice balls off the Kia (handles very well in the ice BTW) - S comes out on the porch & starts hollering at me: "He'll be out in a minute! He'll be out in a minute!"
I got tired of hearing this refrain - I was bundled up & the cold wasn't bothering me, but I hollered back: "There's nothing wrong w/my hearing!" but apparently there was w/S's bcz SHE KEPT HOLLERING AT ME. Finally I grabbed Z's big winter coat & marched over to the porch - can you believe b!tch stood in my way & snapped: "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME IN THIS HOUSE!"
M opened the door to call off his b!tch & said, "It's OK, S - Val, come on in!"
She backed up all the way in front of me - it wasn't like I was planning to come in for coffee & shoot the sh!t, I just wanted Z to put on his coat before he walked out in those 50 MPH winds. M said that Z was getting dressed - apparently he didn't tell him UNTIL I ACTUALLY GOT THERE.
Again, I guess he thought I wouldn't do it?!?
But at least seeing The B!tch that up-close & personal made me feel REALLY YOUNG, HEALTHY, & VIGOROUS! I have avoided being w/in 10 ft of her these past few yrs, & let's just say she's NOT aging well. I was getting a really bad vibe in that trailer house (I really wanted to make a comment about how the mighty have fallen, but seriously, seemed like B!tch was getting ready to completely snap!) - I don't know if it's bcz M hasn't married her yet or what?

But Z was incredibly happy to be "rescued" & has taken to calling me The Best Mommy in the World - I need to record this for our next disagreement ;-)
It took us almost 2 hrs to get home - although highways had clear lanes by the afternoon, traveling wasn't bad. Only had 1 minor instance of an 18-wheeler almost running up my a$$ on I-20.

Today we enjoyed our "snow morning", then cruised on into town to go to the gym & work for a few hrs (roads mostly clear w/only patchy ice)...

Hopefully things back to near-normalcy (whatever that means ;-) tomorrow.

Any Wonder I'm Stressed?

Friday, February 04, 2011

Ya know what? I got nuthin' today, SparkFriends...

So I'm just posting Ex & my latest email exchange this fine wintry morning... Last night he called multiple times to demand being able to pick up Z @ 8 AM "since school has been canceled, we revert to holiday schedule..." I quit answering the phone bcz I figured fair's fair - after all, I didn't pick Z up until almost 3 PM on TUES, that means M should pick Z up FROM MY HOUSE @ 3 PM today! Why should I drive anywhere to meet him for his convenience?

Of course, this was all rendered a moot point by last night's snowfall; we got 5" here & our road is completely impassable - I DID try! (My associate made in over to the clinic w/her 4WD) But then I log onto this computer & find this sh!tty email which I immediately replied to:

(Me:)

??????????????? What on earth is the matter w/you????????????????????

I'M NOT BLOCKING YOUR ACCESS TO ZACH; WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MAJOR WINTER STORM!!!

School has been closed all week, we got 5" of snow last night, Sugar Ridge Rd is completely impassable. I couldn't get up the first hill past our driveway.

Zach needs to attend his Mon afternoon karate sessions; he enjoys this routine. I will do everything in my power to allow him continued participation in these martial arts which he truly loves & excels at besides; I cannot believe you would even THINK of taking that away from him!

Why don't we take this up in session w/Otis or the mediator to see what an impartial 3rd party makes of this.

Yours truly,

Val



Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2011 09:00:08 -0600

Subject: Getting back on track...

Valerie,

I'm disappointed that our attempts at working amicably on our Zach visitation have once again broken down. It is my opinion that you have violated our court ordered visitation agreement on two counts. First, by refusing to allow me access to Zach by phone when I tried to reach him last night. Second, by refusing to allow me access to Zach at the stipulated time for my scheduled weekend visit.

And so I think we should do as we have successfully done in the past when we encountered difficulty with our visitation and return to managing according to the exact details spelled out in our court ordered agreement. I had hoped that allowing you and your parents to spend additional time with Zach each Monday afternoon and evening would build some goodwill between but it doesn't seem to have. Beginning this Monday, 7 February 2011, I will be picking up Zach directly from school when it dismisses each Monday afternoon. Please let your parents know of this change so that there is no confusion on their part.

I am hopeful that this will make things simpler for both of us as we will once again be simply abiding by the exact terms of the agreement that we worked so hard to put together.

Please let me know when you intend to give me access to Zach for my scheduled weekend visitation.

Thanks,

M

SOB called me about 10 AM (before I'd read this) & made some asinine comment about enjoying driving on snow more so than ice! & I wished him good luck... Let's hope he slides off in the ditch or gets flattened by an 18-wheeler en route, shall we? (certainly not after he gets my child in the car)

I wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all last night if I hadn't taken half a sleeping pill - I could visualize SOB parking himself at my gate first thing in the AM; too bad I don't have a back way outta here! This gives me flashbacks of all the crap that went down during our divorce - may have to "blog down memory lane" this weekend...

Now I'm off to enjoy my last slice of "snow day" time w/my boy. (It was REALLY funny watching the Chihuahuas try to navigate in the snow!)

Backsliding

I seem hell-bent on an "even" 10-lb regain as The Moment of Truth approaches (I've already made a public vow to reset my weight counter to its true value tomorrow, New Year's Day).
Oughta go back for "oil check" with therapist as to why these self-destructive impulses never fully vanish - I won't even give "real keto" a try, even with all the evidence gathering that it CAN in fact, reset your brain & solve your obesity problem.

Sleep Hygiene

Friday, January 28, 2011

Thanks to all my wonderful SparkFriends for their input about my sleep probs...

Bottom line, I'm just going to have to sit down w/Hubby & have one of **THOSE** serious talks - if I don't start getting a better night's sleep, we're going to have to have separate sleeping arrangements!
This morning I feel a little bit more well-rested, although I was up @ 1:45 AM thanks to bladder. Dozed fitfully for the rest of the night - it would be cruel, after all, to wake Hubby each time the sound of his snores penetrated my earplugs...

I already practice fairly stringent sleep hygiene: I've read all the helpful hints about going to bed/getting up at set times (w/the result that my husband thinks I'm INSANE to get up so early on the weekends), keeping the bedroom only for sex & sleeping (& I'm sure not as much of the former as Hubby would like but mea culpa; as I mentioned previously w/my combination of insomnia & menopause, my sex drive has gone missing), having a set nighttime routine, etc...
What seems to help most of all is if I can get in a few yoga stretches/poses - I don't even have to go thru a full asana (love my "Candlelight Yoga" DVD but rarely have the time to do the whole 50-min routine).

Most frustrating of all is trying to calm my racing, anxious thoughts - esp on a day like yesterday when practically NOTHING went as planned!

It was a perfect culmination/symbol of "My So-Called Day Off" yesterday when I stepped in a fresh puppy-turd last night... After cleaning up, I went & poured myself a big glass o' wine! Guess I should count myself lucky that it was my bare foot (eeeeew!) instead of my shoe, which I could have tracked halfway across the carpet before noticing?!? I didn't make it by the gym for my 1st session of "Speedwork", & once more my son bailed out on accompanying me to yoga class.

Better luck today I hope.

Member Comments About This Blog Post

Oh girlfriend I am so with ya on the sex, menopause, sleep thingy. Actually we started sleeping in seperate rooms like 6 years ago. I just couldnt sleep with the earth shattering snoring. He was pissed at first but tough dodo. My quality of life was going down the tubes. I NEED SLEEP! Plus now that this season of life is upon me I spend the night (1) throwing off the covers then (2) putting them back on. Repeat steps one and two for 8 hours! I laugh but only because you have to find humor in life or else. Truth be told it sucks!

Self-Destructive Impulses

...seem to fill my soul as I can barely button my blue jeans this AM. I seem determined to make it an even 10-lb regain for Auld Lang Syne!

Pushing It...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Feels like a supreme effort, just getting through this holiday week! Silly me, I had PRESUMED w/hubby & son gone, I would have PLENTY of time to finish up my Xmas shopping, even straighten up the house & finish putting up decorations...

(unfortunately, it stopped me dead in my tracks last week, when I got out my box of the kiddos' Xmas stockings - my biggest display is everyone's personalized stocking, hung on the upstairs railing - & there was my poor ol' Wynk's "Tevis & 3K" stocking right on top. I lost Wynk @ age 25 last Jan, a sudden & unexpected family tragedy)

It also didn't help a bit that the bird was following closely behind me, detaching stockings from their hangers as fast as I could hang 'em up! So obviously I must come up w/a bird-proof method of display... Mango, you are NOT getting a stocking this year! (Mango is our Goffin cockatoo; a new addition to the family this year. Initially I felt very sorry for her owner upon having to surrender her, but in the wake of all her destruction/noise, not so much anymore!)



That's not Mango, just a Googled image! Still haven't found that damn camera data cable...

Anyway, all hell has broken loose this week at work (so why am I typing a blog entry in the middle of the afternoon? thank GOD I had a couple of cancellations so I can catch my breath!) - once again, I barely had time to race out & grab a quick bite to eat, no time for the gym... I'll count this as a "taper" for tomorrow's Jingle Bell 5K.

I realized as I took a few deep breaths over lunchtime to de-stress, that I'm really tired of everyone making DEMANDS on me. In that case, I obviously selected the wrong career. All I can do is manage to keep things at a slow boil. No wonder I suffer from chronic fatigue these days!



But here come what I HOPE will be the final surge of afternoon appointments - back to work you slacker!

Easing Back In...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

...I really wanted to title this "Compulsion", bcz I HAVE felt an overwhelming urge to break for the gym these past few days - so then why did I waste time surfing around on my computer, leaving myself w/only a 30-min "special" today??!!??

Oh well, 25 min on the elliptical was good for a little stress relief. Hopefully I can knock out 5K tomorrow. Truly amazing how helpful it is to me, just to type a few words on this screen.

Hard to describe the sensation, it's like a low-speed crash as my body releases the tension that has built up when my boy is away for any length of time. My energy level crashes & all I want to do is crawl home & hibernate. Yet we are trying to cram as much "fun" as we can into our limited family time for this second week of Xmas break - w/a trip to Six Flags (Mon), a couple of movies ("True Grit" yesterday, "Tangled" w/my friend's younger children Sun afternoon), & yes! a ride this weekend...

(Wish my boy would show a little more enthusiasm for anything except curling up w/his OWN laptop - like mother, like son I guess!)

The Best Thing about Coming Back to Work...

Monday, January 03, 2011

...was at least being able to log onto work computer & create a new blog entry!

For some reason, home computer locks up every time I pull up this window, or try to leave comments on friends' blogs... (So sorry folks, don't take it personally!)

But I came across this terrific comment when I had a lil' free time earlier to surf around:

"...Like you, I feel that people have the right to choose how they live their lives, and these girls (and some boys, let's not leave them out) have made their choice. What does bother me is when someone makes a choice and then goes off and complains constantly about it. You have to make up your mind. Either you're going to make a choice and it will be the right choice for you, and you can be happy with it, or you're going to make a choice, realize it's not for you, and do something to freaking change it. Don't sit there and piss on me and tell me it's raining. I'm not gonna buy it. Sure, we all have made poor choices in our lives, but most of us realize they're poor choices and then go about finding a way to change it, or fix what we have done to make our world, and sometimes the world of those around us, better.

I think I would rather enjoy the big ol' crockpot of beef stew that is cooking, my cup of coffee (with creamer!) and the occasional cookie, rather than run around like a chicken with its head cut off worrying about calorie intake and excess adipose (which still makes me think of Dr. Who). If you don't want to enjoy it with me, then that's your choice, but please don't complain to me that you can't enjoy those things simply because of the calories. I will have to kick you repeatedly."

I weighed in this AM @ 213.5, a net gain of 1.8 lbs. I'll take it - in years past I have racked up 5 - 10 lb gains over the holidays as a matter of course. I'm not bothering to reset my ticker unless it hangs on past the end of this week. The only thing that saved me this year I'm sure, are the miles I pounded out on the TM...

Time to put up or shut up, baby.

Forever Young

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Well I still haven't cleaned out my car to find my camera data cable & post the poor-quality pix I took of myself last month at the gym, but I was actually pleasantly surprised by this FB photo taken at last weekend's ride - I look SO YOUNG!

(in a lot of recent photos, I look very tired, washed out, & exactly like the middle-aged mom that I am!)



I'm not looking at the camera, grinning like a fool down at my awards plaque & eek! helmet hair to the max!!! - actually I was proud of our overall achievement, since I had the pleasure of shepherding my son through his 1st 50-mi event last Saturday!


I'm still shaking my head in mild disbelief: I'd been dreaming of the day when Zach would ride his first 50-miler w/me, somehow it kept receding into the indistinct future after Z lacerated his spleen (May '08), his darling lil' mule Midge ruptured her suspensory (Mar '09), and I seemed increasingly unable to lure Z away from the siren songs of electronic entertainments (computer, XBox, PS3) & the martial arts...

But last weekend, I was by God GOING to our long-running TX ride, after vague plans to journey to AZ, combining a family visit w/a 3-d ride in Scottsdale fell through (don't ask)... I packed w/ill-concealed resentment, having pre-registered Z & I for 2 d of LD (25 mi) rides as he bemoaned his fate, being dragged away from his renewed devotion to WoW - more proof of the power of advertising; Z was heavily involved in WoW last spring & summer, but his interest had waned by fall so I canceled his account. Apparently when he was visiting his dad, Z saw the new ads for "Cataclysm" & came home begging for reinstatement...

[Yes I recognize that I could have refused, but in for a penny, in for a pound could be my motto - we already had invested a couple of hundred bucks in software last year; why not "begin again" for the mere pittance of $13.99/mon??]

Anyway, as I endured Z's litany of complaint (aren't I looking forward to his teenage years!?!) as we hauled to the ride Friday afternoon, I put forth this proposal to him: since we ARE, in fact, going to horse camp, like it or not (!!!), you can either ride 2 days of LD as planned, or ride a 1-d 50 w/me & we can go home early Sun morning. I couldn't believe he took the bait!

Our success last Saturday basically confirmed all my pet theories about overtraining (i.e. most endurance riders - all except ME of course, ha ha! - are guilty of it) - Champ has basically been a pasture ornament since his last competitive event, the Armadillo ride in October, and you would never have known he's been off work! As usual,he gave Zach a fabulous ride - since I was sponsoring 3 juniors (Z, Maddie, & her friend Chris), I spent most of the ride bringing up the rear, shouting at them to "Slow down!" - quit loping through that deep sand!

(**Hence the dirt ingestion)

Unfortunately Chris's mare developed a hitch in her get-a-long (HQ cramp) & had to withdraw after our 2nd loop, there again most likely due to too MUCH loping in aforementioned deep sand. I was very proud of the rest of my crew - Champ's successful completion allowed us to shake off all the snide remarks about "yaks", "water buffaloes", and "wooly mammoths" - esp since Sat night all I had to do was curry him out & his long hair enabled him to go unblanketed, unlike our shivering Arabs...

Now my '11 ride season takes its first tentative steps towards my ultimate goal (Tevis buckle, 7/16/11), even though our TX ride schedule appears embarrassingly sparse. Next goal => a 100-mi Mississippi ride at the end of Feb... At first I was distressed that both of my main training rides (this MS one & the MO ride over Easter weekend) conflict w/"Zach" weekends, but now I am filled w/faint hope that he might actually accompany me on my quest?

Hope springs eternal, indeed!

"Gather the crumbs of happiness
and they will make you a loaf of contentment."

The Hate-Loss Challenge

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Came across this as I aimlessly surfed some blogs (or NOT so aimlessly, hmmm Herr Docterr??) - the Hate-Loss Challenge:

"During the whole month of January, 2011, I am vowing to make a resolution to have pride in myself – no matter what size I am, each and every day. January will be the month that I set in motion a healthy habit to rid my vocabulary of words that aim to destroy my self-esteem. By the end of January I hope to have set a permanent pattern as I continue to feel better about my value, importance, and place in this world.

Rules: At least once a day I must attempt to use one or more of these words in my vocabulary about myself and mean it: strong, courageous, beautiful/handsome, better, unique, remarkable, confident, conditioned, fascinating, pleasing. I will say the words out loud. I will listen to how they sound as they are defining me!

Extra credit: mind-blowing, wicked-hot, awe-inspiring, sexy, sensational.

Off Limits: Words I will not use: failure, undeserving, incompetent, lazy, no-good, fat, unattractive, sloppy, defeated, unworthy.

One Final Thought: It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to have off-days, but I won’t let those thoughts consume me. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and never, ever let my weight define me again."

All very cool concepts, although the positive self-talk will be a big stretch for me... I'm too accustomed to talking to myself like a muleskinner (i.e. GET MOVING, GET OFF your ass, DO SOMETHING YOU SLACKER!!!)

I also have a true philosophic argument w/continually & exhaustively defining myself as "sexy" - I paraphrase another comment from someone noticing in our hyped-up, oversexualized culture - how we are expected to always be rarin' to go, the odd exception in the entire mammalian kingdom which generally has a season & an appropriate time & place for such things... Ah well, I'll save the radical feminism for another lecture 

I DO want to continue to practice "Being Nicer to Myself" in '11... Meanwhile I'm going to go back to admiring my awards plaque from last weekend's ride while waiting for ride photos (the photographer got a decent shot of B-boy & I as we trotted past in high gear; it's a shame my shirt is billowing out around me like a parachute but we were riding into the wind after all! I have managed to improve my posture & riding position, hopefully making things a little easier on both myself AND my horse!)

Detox Day...

Sunday, January 09, 2011

...was yesterday; I KNEW I shouldn't have indulged w/that 2nd margarita Friday night!
It left me while not exactly "hungover", nevertheless feeling bloated, tired & run-down yesterday without the motivation to do what I needed to get done... Here it's taken me all friggin' weekend just to get my few measly Xmas decorations put away!
Overall, this has been one of my most disorganized & ill-prepared holiday seasons ever. I sent out no cards & didn't even put out the Lenox nativity set which is my pride & joy... I'm not much into such fancy things, but I cherish each & every piece of that set, most of which I collected over the years as gifts from mom, grandma, & yes, even 1st husband!
(my 1st piece was the precious lil' white donkey - who loves ya, Qubie?!?)

That's not Qubie, that Zach riding our TWH filly Scarlett last fall - I was just LOOKING for a good recent photo of Qubie!

While this is our House Bunny Serenity - this just reminds me to take camera out & get some new pix of Qubie...

Zach & Midge at his 1st "real" 25 mi ride, May '06
Oh well, you folks are always telling me you want to see MORE PHOTOS!

All this does is remind me of the tremendous organizational challenge I face - hundreds of digital photos which I need to categorize & put in some sort of working order...

Duties & Obligations

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Aha! Found that 1st-wk-of-Nov entry about my "friend":

www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
ge_public_journal_individu
al.asp?blog_id=3775782

(Funny thing is, I had stomach upset on THAT day as well!) Just goes to show me, I need to track my digestive trigger foods a little better... What does it prove when I continue to abuse myself w/foods I know damn good & well are going to make me miserable?!?

Anyway, faced w/another minor challenge: last week I heard from an old undergrad college chum of mine**. She's about 20 yrs older than me, which would put her in her upper 60's now - one of those middle-aged women who completely changed her career path & LIFE when she went BACK to school... About the only thing she DIDN'T discard was her husband, for which I greatly admire her. (It was challenging; I would like to think I helped her work her way through several marital crises even though what the hell did I know? I was a snot-nosed 19 - 21 yr old! mostly I think I functioned as both a shoulder to cry on & a good drinking buddy ;-)

**Actually her husband called me; could it have been shame or mere stubbornness that would keep J from admitting the severity of her current condition?

A brief but all-too-typical history: J & I each achieved our undergrad degrees, I was accepted to vet school, had a whirlwind romance & married my 1st husband, went off to College Station & our formerly inseparable status as BFF's withered to the occasional phone call, letter or Xmas card... J accepted a teaching position & moved to the TX Gulf Coast.

The last time we actually saw each other face-to-face was in the winter of '92, when 1st Hub & I were building our house! We probably have not spoken by telephone since shortly after P & I married 8 yrs ago... (Horrible friend ain't I? but of course it takes two to tango as well as two to disengage don't it?)

This weekend I honestly had planned to accomplish great things in re-organization at home, but feel obligated to get on down there while J & I can still enjoy each other's company. (She's recovering from secondary complications after breast cancer surgery - & I've learned to pay attention to my intuition. This may be "now or never"; I won't have any more 3-d weekends coming up, & Spring Break may be too late.)

Tempo Run...

Friday, January 21, 2011

I was spooked** to see that heading as it cropped up in my Runner's World Smart Coach program... What tempo?

Waltz, cha-cha, foxtrot, dirge, funereal march???

**52 days to train, but of course I'm already lagging behind w/the program; haven't done any of the long runs suggested which is why 5 mi seemed so intimidating...

A 15:29 pace was suggested, w/a 1 mi warm-up & cool-down - aha, that only translates to 3 mi of "real" running... I can do this!

Actually cut myself down to 0.5 mi warm-up, since golly, a 15:29 pace is just a fast walk/very slow jog. (I usually switch my gait when I pass that 4.0 MPH mark) Once I warmed up, I set the TM @ 4.2; on most of my other (shorter) runs I generally pace out @ 4.4 - 4.6 MPH - yes, now you know how pathetically slow I truly am!

I was distracting myself as I usually do w/trash TV, but it was more of a mental obstacle than a physical one: once I got past those 1st 3 mi, I knew I was going to make it. I could start enjoying the sensation of my feet spooling past those rubberized treads on the Woodway TM as I concentrated on my breathing, my posture, & my form (stretch upwards - I'm bad about slumping! - lean forwards, increase my cadence).

Those 74:20 min went by quite rapidly. A pleasant meditative interlude; can't wait to do it again! (Sun, long run of 6 mi)

Last Sun, I rolled out while visiting my friend on the coast (good times all around, BTW) for an early-AM walk/jog down to the big pier (2 mi away) & back. Another good one although I was taking it easy on my creaky R knee - I should be incredibly thankful to be out & about; my poor friend (& former companion on many long hikes) can barely make it across her own living room without taking a break... Light drizzling rain, although a little moisture wasn't going to hurt me! I think we saw a grand total of maybe half an hour's sunshine all weekend, but after all I wasn't there to soak up the beach, but instead my friend's sorely-missed company.

Slow Down & Keep Going

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I have made no other momentous decisions lately (still need to process last weekend's pleasant reunion w/my old friend), but I HAVE decided to just "shut up & do it" insofar as following my SmartCoach program...
So this AM I buckled down to do my first "long run" = 6 mi
Rec pace was 17:29, so of course I had to push it a little - wound up averaging just over 4.1 MPH.
Too damn cold this AM, so I headed to a new gym (had to take my boy to the E side of town for his SAT - geez, I didn't get to take it until I was a sophomore in HS, but he qualified in 7th grade as part of the Duke talent search program - the only child in his class who did!) - a facility less than half the size of my usual gym... It only had 5 Cybex TM's, & 3 of those were out of order!
The place was filling up as I slogged along, so I took a potty break after 60 min (it's as high as the time would go anyway), thinking someone might be waiting for their turn to pound the deck...
However, no one had stepped on, so I wearily re-mounted & finished out my 6-mi trek in just under 88 min... There was some pain involved - my R knee tweaked alarmingly a few times around the 4-mi mark, but then subsided. I kept on telling myself that old Marine adage :

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

Stagnation...

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I typed this title almost 4 hrs ago & with many interruptions later, it seems counter-intuitive!
(I've hardly been STAGNATING here in my office today)
I'm sick & tired of staying stuck in the almost exact same place from which I started 9 mos ago - whoa, insert profound quotes about gestation here, verdad?!?
Yet I seem incapable of making any true lifestyle adjustments, aside from my rescue strategy of much more regular exercise...
Hard to figure me out sometimes!
I want to let go of the obsession about something which seems to be out of my control (at least from a practical/logistical standard) - NO, I'm not going to log in every damn morsel of food I consume, nor do I plan on living the rest of my days on meager balanced rations, like someone's inbred halter horse!
(Maybe show dog is a better analogy; after all judges prefer most halter horses to be FAT!)
I know a large part of my rotten mood is the inadequate SLEEP I've been subsisting on for several mos now - quite honestly, since Hubby lost his job & has been at home! (He snores like a freight train so separate bedrooms may be in our future.)
Next-to-impossible for me to lecture him about taking care of his OWN health (he's put on a noticeable amount of weight w/the stress of his career path over this past year) when I am far from the shining example I would LIKE to be...
Pot, meet kettle!
In the meantime, I'll quit whining & at least get in a gym visit. Who am I to complain when my poor receptionist just stopped by, she was diagnosed w/advanced lung cancer a couple of wks ago. They are pursuing an aggressive treatment plan, but she has lost an alarming amount of weight; things don't look good in my humble clinical opinion.

Quote of the Day

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"No matter how hard you try, you cannot out train a sloppy diet."

Feels strange to take a Day of Rest today, but my R knee is creaking alarmingly, so I figure I better give it a day off...
Unfortunately this adds to my anxiety about the many inappropriate things which I have consumed this week. Can I blame it all on stress? when I can't hit the gym, my only means of self-soothing seems to be oral satisfaction (hey, you! get your mind out of the gutter; w/my recent menopausal symptoms I haven't had any dadgummed sex drive either)...
My godmother's middle son (age 55? I think) suffered a mild heart attack last weekend; he was in & out of the hosp w/emergency angiography/stent implantation before I even had a chance to break free & visit him! (Hosp Sun, released yesterday) Since they have lost their only daughter to lung cancer almost 2 yrs ago (age 57), I would hate for my godparents to suffer another loss.
Not to mention it's also an unpleasant reminder of my own mortality; a reminder to concentrate on what's important & try to do the things I want to while I still can!
(Thanks to LUV4CHOCOLATE for recent inspiration; maybe I **CAN** train for a marathon after all!)

Maybe Baby

Don't know how far I'll get on this creaky lil' laptop o' mine - hell, it's taken me almost 15 minutes just to get logged into Blogger (fuck if I remember my password?)!
But I need to do SOMETHING on these long interminable evenings, might as well try to preserve any of these old blogs which might prove insightful/useful. A record that yes, I was here, I was alive, I did something...
(Had to give up on flagging laptop, but at least I can add a lil’ bit on the iPad)

Slow Progress...

Monday, December 13, 2010

Which hardly seems worthwhile to post: a loss of 0.10 lb. But hell, I'll take it, as I stare at another set of ride photos w/numb detachment...
It's a miracle your scrawny lil' pony can carry you anywhere at all, let alone for 50 miles! He's a true testament to the stamina & ENDURANCE of the Arabian breed.
This first ride of our '11 season was a charity event for a couple who have been involved in our sport for many years; the husband has developed an obscure neuromuscular degeneration which rendered him quadriplegic over the summer. He is making a difficult recovery, receiving immunoglobulin infusions & can now sit upright, stand & walk for short periods.
I rode my 1st 100-mi event w/him in '95; that sort of experience** forges a permanent bond! He asked me if I still had my mare & I had to tell him I had placed her in foster care; his mare Candy is enjoying her retirement at age 28.
**Mid-November in central Oklahoma; I have never been as cold before or since in my LIFE! We weighed in after the ride, & I was amazed to see I had piled on an additional 20 lbs just in clothing: 3 pairs of pants, multiple sweatshirts, heavy jacket, coveralls, 2 pairs of socks... It's a miracle I could ride, since I could barely walk, lumbering along like the Michelin Man!

But we probably raised close to $10K towards his medical expenses; just another reminder to be thankful for what I CAN accomplish - still being able to walk & talk & ride & think (albeit foggily) - as well as sobering truth that time is fleeting & I'd best set myself some new training goals while I still can...

I believe we had 117 riders (59 50-milers & 58 25-milers) which is excellent turnout - it's amazing how this sport has grown in popularity! When I first started competing in endurance 20 yrs ago, if we had 50 riders that was a Big Deal... 

I loved this so much...

Friday, December 17, 2010

...I just have to reprint it in its entirety:

theantijared.com/2010/12
/i-am-a-jackass.html 

"I am a jackass

Dear Tony ,

I read about your amazing weight loss on CNN today. I am a physician and I am trying to loose weight for a long time , unsuccessfully.
Can you give me any suggestions or advise for me to change my life

Thank you,

In Need

Dear In Need,

I usually do not answer questions like this. I am not good at this kind of thing. You would think I would be, but I am not.

In fact, I get a lot of emails just like this that I do not answer.Not to be rude, it just is not like me.

You are a physician. My job is very similar.

While you are helping people with medical advice, I write 1000 word apology letters to people because the chicken sandwich we serve tastes too “chickany”. While you are prescribing medicine to ill patients, I get to explain to a 19 year old that the term “ass nugget” can be quite offensive.

Yet, I lost 200 pounds. I did do something that is pretty out there.

This makes me a weight loss guru. There are a lot of weight loss gurus out there.

Every single one of us are donkeys.

We all look different. Some are grey, some are white. Some are more muscular than others. Some pull and push more than others. Yet, every time us donkeys talk, we say the same thing…..

“Eeeehhhhhh Haaaawwwwww”

Some donkeys wish they were horses. They dress like horses with pretty saddles. They are not horses, we are donkeys.

The advice you hear from one donkey is the same as the next, except for a few flashy words.

Ripped, tone, burn, inspire.

Some claim they have the secrets. They can lose weight quick. They have a miracle workout or pill.

I get it, maybe you saw something like “The best way to lose weight is….” or “The one secret to weight loss is……” And then, the answer stays the same.

“Eeeehhhhhh Haaaawwwwww”

I am not going to tell you anything different. If you read my CNN story, I summed it up in less than nine words how I lost the weight.

I understand though, you need some sort of inspiration. Some sort of advice. Some way to know that this can be done.

Today at the gym, I saw the same thing I have seen since high school on ESPN.

If Brett Favre is going to start this week against the Giants.

It irritated me. Who cares? The Vikings are not a playoff team, and Brett is 41 and not in the best health. Yet, what he has done is the “secret” or “key” or whatever you want to say to inspire you.

Brett cares if he starts. He could care less what you think. He wants to start the game.

He has started every single game since 1992. His father passed away during the streak. Family situations happened. He had a scandal. He has annoyed the nation with retiring every year.

Yet, he brought it every single Sunday. He was not on the bench. He came to play.

That is what weight loss is. It is not a part time job. It is not 80%. It is not sitting back and watching other’s tell you what you know.

It is bringing it every single day. If your plan is to eat 1800 calories a day, then eat 1800 calories a day…every single day! Not when you feel like it. Not when it is convenient for you. Not during a holiday free month.

If you plan to work out 5 days a week, then do it. Not when the weather is perfect. Not when there is no TV to watch.

Weight loss, healthy living, and life are all the same. You get what you put into it.

If you want an easy way, go ask another donkey. They will tell you in a cute way

“Eeeehhhhhh Haaaawwwwww”

But this jackass eats carrots and apples. I run around when my wife lets me out. I do not want to be a horse. I am happy being a jackass.

This jackass is also kind of cute, and a little muscular as well. At least that is what my wife says when she gives me an apple."

***********************************************************************************************

This fills me w/the desire to go home, hug & kiss MY lil' jackasses! Gotta find that camera data cable...