Suppressed Anger...
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I got up around 7 bcz I was no longer sleeping, so what was the point of lying in bed? (I crashed last night a little after 11 PM, just couldn't endure any more of the senseless movie Hubs had plugged in!) Actually got a fairly-decent night's sleep, although as usual I was up @ 4 AM to empty my bladder, & have a few vague memories of hearing isolated episodes of snoring from Hubby...
I wanted to grab this tiny isolated slice of "Me Time" this AM, enjoying the (relative) peace & calm before even my Sunday is off to a roaring start. (As I type, I can hear the bird teasing the dog & Qubie my donkey has seen lights in the house so he's brayed a couple of times for his breakfast - so it's never COMPLETE peace n' quiet!)
I'm frustrated bcz once again, despite yesterday's PERFECT weather, Z sloughed off on riding w/me - I just didn't have the energy to force him. We went out to the Ft Worth Stock Show which gives me a mixture of fond & not-so-fond memories: I USED to take my Burro Boys for the Donkey & Mule show... We were never serious competitors but we still had a lot of fun. However, over the yrs the competition got bigger, dragged on longer & was no longer as enjoyable. I really wanted Z to be able to participate (they have lead-line activities for the youngest riders & really do encourage youth participation), yet it seemed most of the time the events were scheduled on my non-custody weekends... It was just no longer worth the investment of my limited free time & ever-decreasing, closely marshaled energy resources.
(I'd rather wear myself to a frazzle doing an endurance ride, thank you very much.)
I was looking for an old show photo of Qube & I w/his cart, but instead happened upon this photo of Z attempting to tame a wild pony on the moors - our summer '04 UK visit!
My MIL booked me a spot on this "Barn-to-Pub" hack - if she knew nothing else about me, she knew I was MISERABLE, having to go two weeks w/out riding! A very generous gift from her - I really didn't want her to spend that on me, but she insisted so I tried to accept graciously. (Of course there's nothing like riding your own horse, but a 2-hr plod on a rented cob was better than nuthin'!)
& addressing my anger issues - there's no point to this frustration; my busy life is what it is - I'm already obligated to church & sponsoring a freeze-branding session at my clinic this afternoon, w/rain threatening today there'll be no time to ride... & probably no gym visit either; I just have to deal w/it. Things don't always work out the way I've planned.
I wanted to grab this tiny isolated slice of "Me Time" this AM, enjoying the (relative) peace & calm before even my Sunday is off to a roaring start. (As I type, I can hear the bird teasing the dog & Qubie my donkey has seen lights in the house so he's brayed a couple of times for his breakfast - so it's never COMPLETE peace n' quiet!)
I'm frustrated bcz once again, despite yesterday's PERFECT weather, Z sloughed off on riding w/me - I just didn't have the energy to force him. We went out to the Ft Worth Stock Show which gives me a mixture of fond & not-so-fond memories: I USED to take my Burro Boys for the Donkey & Mule show... We were never serious competitors but we still had a lot of fun. However, over the yrs the competition got bigger, dragged on longer & was no longer as enjoyable. I really wanted Z to be able to participate (they have lead-line activities for the youngest riders & really do encourage youth participation), yet it seemed most of the time the events were scheduled on my non-custody weekends... It was just no longer worth the investment of my limited free time & ever-decreasing, closely marshaled energy resources.
(I'd rather wear myself to a frazzle doing an endurance ride, thank you very much.)
I was looking for an old show photo of Qube & I w/his cart, but instead happened upon this photo of Z attempting to tame a wild pony on the moors - our summer '04 UK visit!
My MIL booked me a spot on this "Barn-to-Pub" hack - if she knew nothing else about me, she knew I was MISERABLE, having to go two weeks w/out riding! A very generous gift from her - I really didn't want her to spend that on me, but she insisted so I tried to accept graciously. (Of course there's nothing like riding your own horse, but a 2-hr plod on a rented cob was better than nuthin'!)
& addressing my anger issues - there's no point to this frustration; my busy life is what it is - I'm already obligated to church & sponsoring a freeze-branding session at my clinic this afternoon, w/rain threatening today there'll be no time to ride... & probably no gym visit either; I just have to deal w/it. Things don't always work out the way I've planned.
All or Nothing Thinking
Monday, January 31, 2011
...Is certainly my downfall; I have this dreadful habit of chucking all good intentions out the freakin' window when things don't go "MY" way...
I truly feel like a Sandwich Generation-person, since all of last weekend seemed to be devoted to son, parents, & Making Other People Happy. That should give me some warm fuzzy feelings instead of the treacherous resentment that now seeps into my soul... It seems to be a Long Damn Time until my next ride (end of Feb).
Maybe I expect too much of people - gotten deeply hooked on the convenience/immediacy of email communication; it mildly pisses me off when so-called friends don't reply. Guess I need to lower those ol' expectations, eh?
Missed out on last weekend's Long Run (I SHOULD have done another 6-miler), so today I mashed things up w/a combo "Easy Long Run". Only had time for 4 mi, but that was better than crouching sulkily in my office. It's funny; I know some people say they have strong emotions stirred up by their runs. Generally that hasn't been the case for me, but today I could very easily have wept as I cranked up the speed a little (a whopping 4.8 MPH) for that last quarter-mile. Time is flying by; I'm going to have to act as Enforcer if my boy doesn't put in at least a bare-minimum base of training for our half - no one knows better than ME how you can slough off yet still manage to struggle through! But I would like it to be an ENJOYABLE experience for him rather than a death march...
There's so much I WANT to do w/my boy, yet precious little time. I've tried not to let my weight interfere w/active pursuits w/him (there are some hideous rock-climbing pictures from the '08 Alaskan cruise we took w/my parents; I ought to post THOSE for motivation!) - & as always, the damnable visitation schedule disqualifies us from a LOT. I'm hazily plotting out a nice trip for us over Spring Break since it's "MY" year; of course that has to include a ride, but hopefully also a trip back to the coast so my old friend J can meet my boy.
I truly feel like a Sandwich Generation-person, since all of last weekend seemed to be devoted to son, parents, & Making Other People Happy. That should give me some warm fuzzy feelings instead of the treacherous resentment that now seeps into my soul... It seems to be a Long Damn Time until my next ride (end of Feb).
Maybe I expect too much of people - gotten deeply hooked on the convenience/immediacy of email communication; it mildly pisses me off when so-called friends don't reply. Guess I need to lower those ol' expectations, eh?
Missed out on last weekend's Long Run (I SHOULD have done another 6-miler), so today I mashed things up w/a combo "Easy Long Run". Only had time for 4 mi, but that was better than crouching sulkily in my office. It's funny; I know some people say they have strong emotions stirred up by their runs. Generally that hasn't been the case for me, but today I could very easily have wept as I cranked up the speed a little (a whopping 4.8 MPH) for that last quarter-mile. Time is flying by; I'm going to have to act as Enforcer if my boy doesn't put in at least a bare-minimum base of training for our half - no one knows better than ME how you can slough off yet still manage to struggle through! But I would like it to be an ENJOYABLE experience for him rather than a death march...
There's so much I WANT to do w/my boy, yet precious little time. I've tried not to let my weight interfere w/active pursuits w/him (there are some hideous rock-climbing pictures from the '08 Alaskan cruise we took w/my parents; I ought to post THOSE for motivation!) - & as always, the damnable visitation schedule disqualifies us from a LOT. I'm hazily plotting out a nice trip for us over Spring Break since it's "MY" year; of course that has to include a ride, but hopefully also a trip back to the coast so my old friend J can meet my boy.
Snow Days...
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
...Doesn't take much to shut down bidness here in N Texas! (most of us don't have a CLUE how to drive on ice)
I'm still decompressing from yesterday's stress: despite the winter storm bearing down upon us, Ex insisted on picking Z for regularly-scheduled Mon night visitation. (let me try to give you a compressed history, dear SparkFriends, which will help explain why I've had such a hard time "moving on" after my divorce almost 12 yrs ago...)
Most middle-aged men lose their heads (ahem, both of 'em!) to younger women & abandon their families; mine took a different route instead, taking up w/a woman 10 yrs older than himself (making her 14 yrs older than Yours Truly). While I can't claim we were BFF, we WERE social acquaintances & riding buddies which made their actions even more treacherous - ANYWAY!
Obviously they are still together - S, however, never formally divorced her husband, & he was killed in his private plane 18 mos ago (under suspicious circumstances IMO; I spoke my piece to the NTSB investigator & in the end it was written off as "pilot error")
Mon night our mini-ice storm hit; school was canceled. I crept into work Tues AM & called M shortly after 10 AM to set up a mtg place so I could pick Z up...
"I'm not getting out in this weather!" was his exact quote, so I said Fine, I'll come get him... (This from the man who spent his teenage yrs in CO)
I don't know if M thought I would chicken out or give up??? but to make a long story shorter, it took me a little over 2 hrs. I called again from Forney & tried one more time to see if he would meet me @ the Tractor Supply in Terrell - No! - so I said Open your gate, I'll be there in about an hr.
I pull into the Circle J, get out to clear my windshield & start kicking some of the ice balls off the Kia (handles very well in the ice BTW) - S comes out on the porch & starts hollering at me: "He'll be out in a minute! He'll be out in a minute!"
I got tired of hearing this refrain - I was bundled up & the cold wasn't bothering me, but I hollered back: "There's nothing wrong w/my hearing!" but apparently there was w/S's bcz SHE KEPT HOLLERING AT ME. Finally I grabbed Z's big winter coat & marched over to the porch - can you believe b!tch stood in my way & snapped: "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME IN THIS HOUSE!"
M opened the door to call off his b!tch & said, "It's OK, S - Val, come on in!"
She backed up all the way in front of me - it wasn't like I was planning to come in for coffee & shoot the sh!t, I just wanted Z to put on his coat before he walked out in those 50 MPH winds. M said that Z was getting dressed - apparently he didn't tell him UNTIL I ACTUALLY GOT THERE.
Again, I guess he thought I wouldn't do it?!?
But at least seeing The B!tch that up-close & personal made me feel REALLY YOUNG, HEALTHY, & VIGOROUS! I have avoided being w/in 10 ft of her these past few yrs, & let's just say she's NOT aging well. I was getting a really bad vibe in that trailer house (I really wanted to make a comment about how the mighty have fallen, but seriously, seemed like B!tch was getting ready to completely snap!) - I don't know if it's bcz M hasn't married her yet or what?
But Z was incredibly happy to be "rescued" & has taken to calling me The Best Mommy in the World - I need to record this for our next disagreement ;-)
It took us almost 2 hrs to get home - although highways had clear lanes by the afternoon, traveling wasn't bad. Only had 1 minor instance of an 18-wheeler almost running up my a$$ on I-20.
Today we enjoyed our "snow morning", then cruised on into town to go to the gym & work for a few hrs (roads mostly clear w/only patchy ice)...
Hopefully things back to near-normalcy (whatever that means ;-) tomorrow.
I'm still decompressing from yesterday's stress: despite the winter storm bearing down upon us, Ex insisted on picking Z for regularly-scheduled Mon night visitation. (let me try to give you a compressed history, dear SparkFriends, which will help explain why I've had such a hard time "moving on" after my divorce almost 12 yrs ago...)
Most middle-aged men lose their heads (ahem, both of 'em!) to younger women & abandon their families; mine took a different route instead, taking up w/a woman 10 yrs older than himself (making her 14 yrs older than Yours Truly). While I can't claim we were BFF, we WERE social acquaintances & riding buddies which made their actions even more treacherous - ANYWAY!
Obviously they are still together - S, however, never formally divorced her husband, & he was killed in his private plane 18 mos ago (under suspicious circumstances IMO; I spoke my piece to the NTSB investigator & in the end it was written off as "pilot error")
Mon night our mini-ice storm hit; school was canceled. I crept into work Tues AM & called M shortly after 10 AM to set up a mtg place so I could pick Z up...
"I'm not getting out in this weather!" was his exact quote, so I said Fine, I'll come get him... (This from the man who spent his teenage yrs in CO)
I don't know if M thought I would chicken out or give up??? but to make a long story shorter, it took me a little over 2 hrs. I called again from Forney & tried one more time to see if he would meet me @ the Tractor Supply in Terrell - No! - so I said Open your gate, I'll be there in about an hr.
I pull into the Circle J, get out to clear my windshield & start kicking some of the ice balls off the Kia (handles very well in the ice BTW) - S comes out on the porch & starts hollering at me: "He'll be out in a minute! He'll be out in a minute!"
I got tired of hearing this refrain - I was bundled up & the cold wasn't bothering me, but I hollered back: "There's nothing wrong w/my hearing!" but apparently there was w/S's bcz SHE KEPT HOLLERING AT ME. Finally I grabbed Z's big winter coat & marched over to the porch - can you believe b!tch stood in my way & snapped: "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME IN THIS HOUSE!"
M opened the door to call off his b!tch & said, "It's OK, S - Val, come on in!"
She backed up all the way in front of me - it wasn't like I was planning to come in for coffee & shoot the sh!t, I just wanted Z to put on his coat before he walked out in those 50 MPH winds. M said that Z was getting dressed - apparently he didn't tell him UNTIL I ACTUALLY GOT THERE.
Again, I guess he thought I wouldn't do it?!?
But at least seeing The B!tch that up-close & personal made me feel REALLY YOUNG, HEALTHY, & VIGOROUS! I have avoided being w/in 10 ft of her these past few yrs, & let's just say she's NOT aging well. I was getting a really bad vibe in that trailer house (I really wanted to make a comment about how the mighty have fallen, but seriously, seemed like B!tch was getting ready to completely snap!) - I don't know if it's bcz M hasn't married her yet or what?
But Z was incredibly happy to be "rescued" & has taken to calling me The Best Mommy in the World - I need to record this for our next disagreement ;-)
It took us almost 2 hrs to get home - although highways had clear lanes by the afternoon, traveling wasn't bad. Only had 1 minor instance of an 18-wheeler almost running up my a$$ on I-20.
Today we enjoyed our "snow morning", then cruised on into town to go to the gym & work for a few hrs (roads mostly clear w/only patchy ice)...
Hopefully things back to near-normalcy (whatever that means ;-) tomorrow.
Any Wonder I'm Stressed?
Friday, February 04, 2011
Ya know what? I got nuthin' today, SparkFriends...
So I'm just posting Ex & my latest email exchange this fine wintry morning... Last night he called multiple times to demand being able to pick up Z @ 8 AM "since school has been canceled, we revert to holiday schedule..." I quit answering the phone bcz I figured fair's fair - after all, I didn't pick Z up until almost 3 PM on TUES, that means M should pick Z up FROM MY HOUSE @ 3 PM today! Why should I drive anywhere to meet him for his convenience?
Of course, this was all rendered a moot point by last night's snowfall; we got 5" here & our road is completely impassable - I DID try! (My associate made in over to the clinic w/her 4WD) But then I log onto this computer & find this sh!tty email which I immediately replied to:
(Me:)
??????????????? What on earth is the matter w/you????????????????????
I'M NOT BLOCKING YOUR ACCESS TO ZACH; WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MAJOR WINTER STORM!!!
School has been closed all week, we got 5" of snow last night, Sugar Ridge Rd is completely impassable. I couldn't get up the first hill past our driveway.
Zach needs to attend his Mon afternoon karate sessions; he enjoys this routine. I will do everything in my power to allow him continued participation in these martial arts which he truly loves & excels at besides; I cannot believe you would even THINK of taking that away from him!
Why don't we take this up in session w/Otis or the mediator to see what an impartial 3rd party makes of this.
Yours truly,
Val
Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2011 09:00:08 -0600
Subject: Getting back on track...
Valerie,
I'm disappointed that our attempts at working amicably on our Zach visitation have once again broken down. It is my opinion that you have violated our court ordered visitation agreement on two counts. First, by refusing to allow me access to Zach by phone when I tried to reach him last night. Second, by refusing to allow me access to Zach at the stipulated time for my scheduled weekend visit.
And so I think we should do as we have successfully done in the past when we encountered difficulty with our visitation and return to managing according to the exact details spelled out in our court ordered agreement. I had hoped that allowing you and your parents to spend additional time with Zach each Monday afternoon and evening would build some goodwill between but it doesn't seem to have. Beginning this Monday, 7 February 2011, I will be picking up Zach directly from school when it dismisses each Monday afternoon. Please let your parents know of this change so that there is no confusion on their part.
I am hopeful that this will make things simpler for both of us as we will once again be simply abiding by the exact terms of the agreement that we worked so hard to put together.
Please let me know when you intend to give me access to Zach for my scheduled weekend visitation.
Thanks,
M
SOB called me about 10 AM (before I'd read this) & made some asinine comment about enjoying driving on snow more so than ice! & I wished him good luck... Let's hope he slides off in the ditch or gets flattened by an 18-wheeler en route, shall we? (certainly not after he gets my child in the car)
I wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all last night if I hadn't taken half a sleeping pill - I could visualize SOB parking himself at my gate first thing in the AM; too bad I don't have a back way outta here! This gives me flashbacks of all the crap that went down during our divorce - may have to "blog down memory lane" this weekend...
Now I'm off to enjoy my last slice of "snow day" time w/my boy. (It was REALLY funny watching the Chihuahuas try to navigate in the snow!)
So I'm just posting Ex & my latest email exchange this fine wintry morning... Last night he called multiple times to demand being able to pick up Z @ 8 AM "since school has been canceled, we revert to holiday schedule..." I quit answering the phone bcz I figured fair's fair - after all, I didn't pick Z up until almost 3 PM on TUES, that means M should pick Z up FROM MY HOUSE @ 3 PM today! Why should I drive anywhere to meet him for his convenience?
Of course, this was all rendered a moot point by last night's snowfall; we got 5" here & our road is completely impassable - I DID try! (My associate made in over to the clinic w/her 4WD) But then I log onto this computer & find this sh!tty email which I immediately replied to:
(Me:)
??????????????? What on earth is the matter w/you????????????????????
I'M NOT BLOCKING YOUR ACCESS TO ZACH; WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MAJOR WINTER STORM!!!
School has been closed all week, we got 5" of snow last night, Sugar Ridge Rd is completely impassable. I couldn't get up the first hill past our driveway.
Zach needs to attend his Mon afternoon karate sessions; he enjoys this routine. I will do everything in my power to allow him continued participation in these martial arts which he truly loves & excels at besides; I cannot believe you would even THINK of taking that away from him!
Why don't we take this up in session w/Otis or the mediator to see what an impartial 3rd party makes of this.
Yours truly,
Val
Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2011 09:00:08 -0600
Subject: Getting back on track...
Valerie,
I'm disappointed that our attempts at working amicably on our Zach visitation have once again broken down. It is my opinion that you have violated our court ordered visitation agreement on two counts. First, by refusing to allow me access to Zach by phone when I tried to reach him last night. Second, by refusing to allow me access to Zach at the stipulated time for my scheduled weekend visit.
And so I think we should do as we have successfully done in the past when we encountered difficulty with our visitation and return to managing according to the exact details spelled out in our court ordered agreement. I had hoped that allowing you and your parents to spend additional time with Zach each Monday afternoon and evening would build some goodwill between but it doesn't seem to have. Beginning this Monday, 7 February 2011, I will be picking up Zach directly from school when it dismisses each Monday afternoon. Please let your parents know of this change so that there is no confusion on their part.
I am hopeful that this will make things simpler for both of us as we will once again be simply abiding by the exact terms of the agreement that we worked so hard to put together.
Please let me know when you intend to give me access to Zach for my scheduled weekend visitation.
Thanks,
M
SOB called me about 10 AM (before I'd read this) & made some asinine comment about enjoying driving on snow more so than ice! & I wished him good luck... Let's hope he slides off in the ditch or gets flattened by an 18-wheeler en route, shall we? (certainly not after he gets my child in the car)
I wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all last night if I hadn't taken half a sleeping pill - I could visualize SOB parking himself at my gate first thing in the AM; too bad I don't have a back way outta here! This gives me flashbacks of all the crap that went down during our divorce - may have to "blog down memory lane" this weekend...
Now I'm off to enjoy my last slice of "snow day" time w/my boy. (It was REALLY funny watching the Chihuahuas try to navigate in the snow!)
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