It doesn't feel like a Brand New Day - trudging through Day Five of Life Without Buddy, a truly miserable phase of my existence. Time for me to hang it up, if only I didn't have so many (still, amazingly enough) dependent on me. That feeling (how do you say it in French) of complete & utter desolation - how much longer do I have to endure upon this earth?
Brand New Day?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I was amazed when I glanced at my lil' Daily-Mile tracker (digging for some sort of inspiration here) & saw that I've racked up 50 MILES on foot this year, in less than 6 weeks! Guess it just shows what you can do with a little consistency...
I need SOME sort of consistency in my life these days, after another fun-filled series of "negotiations" w/ex. What's my best analogy: card sharp, stunt rider, seasoned actress? Trying to preserve and/or balance Z & I's best interests against The Greater Good - a complicated stew that involves keeping Z's life on as even a keel as I can manage, w/generous admixtures of Keeping Everyone [else] Happy: father, stepfather, grandparents, other friends & relatives... Confused yet?
Because I certainly am! I'm drifting far-from-weightlessly** today in the aftermath of our new arrangement: swapping Monday night for Thursday night visitation.
This should theoretically solve several nagging problems: eliminating ongoing conflicts over Z's Monday night karate team practice, preserving Z's Monday-afternoons-w/GP's, while Ex gets what HE wants, which are 4-night stretches w/Z on "his" weekends (Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun vs previous arrangement which gave him Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon)...
The drawback, of course, is that I lose my precious Thurs afternoons w/Z... Just one more facet of letting him go as my young man grows up, I suppose - at least that's how I'm soothing myself. I already feel as though I've lost great bleeding chunks of Z's childhood; what's a few more hrs?
So I didn't put any pressure on myself to accomplish great things today, my first day "alone". I bartered out my usual Thurs-afternoon massage, which loosened my tense spine enough so I could then visit the chiropractor, & bear for him to lay his hands upon me... (2 wks ago, my back was so tight & painful he could accomplish next to nothing) Then a trip by the gym to knock out another 3 mi - felt SO GOOD w/most of the range of motion back in my lower spine! I felt like charging across town to make the Thurs-PM yoga class, but decided to come home for a quiet evening, sitting w/my feelings instead. My ride season drifts before me like a great unopened present, a pulsing vortex of possibility - wanted to plan a trip to MS at the end of this month, but w/this recent Wild Winter Weather I'm certain of nothing nowadays.
It feels so odd - can't even wrap my mind around the concept that this is "MY" weekend - all our recent school closures, snow days, juggling work schedules, etc have merged into what feels like an absolute maelstrom, above which I teeter on my tightrope.
"My life had a tendency to spread, to get flabby, to scroll and festoon like the frame of a baroque mirror, which came from following the line of least resistance."
"When you're young, you think everything you do is disposable. You move from now to now, crumpling time up in your hands, tossing it away. You're your own speeding car. You think you can get rid of things, and people too - leave them behind. You don't yet know about the habit they have, of coming back."
-- Margaret Atwood
** Yeah, thanks for asking, but I'm still stuck on my High Plateau; as I've mentioned previously, can't out-train a sloppy diet!
I need SOME sort of consistency in my life these days, after another fun-filled series of "negotiations" w/ex. What's my best analogy: card sharp, stunt rider, seasoned actress? Trying to preserve and/or balance Z & I's best interests against The Greater Good - a complicated stew that involves keeping Z's life on as even a keel as I can manage, w/generous admixtures of Keeping Everyone [else] Happy: father, stepfather, grandparents, other friends & relatives... Confused yet?
Because I certainly am! I'm drifting far-from-weightlessly** today in the aftermath of our new arrangement: swapping Monday night for Thursday night visitation.
This should theoretically solve several nagging problems: eliminating ongoing conflicts over Z's Monday night karate team practice, preserving Z's Monday-afternoons-w/GP's, while Ex gets what HE wants, which are 4-night stretches w/Z on "his" weekends (Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun vs previous arrangement which gave him Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon)...
The drawback, of course, is that I lose my precious Thurs afternoons w/Z... Just one more facet of letting him go as my young man grows up, I suppose - at least that's how I'm soothing myself. I already feel as though I've lost great bleeding chunks of Z's childhood; what's a few more hrs?
So I didn't put any pressure on myself to accomplish great things today, my first day "alone". I bartered out my usual Thurs-afternoon massage, which loosened my tense spine enough so I could then visit the chiropractor, & bear for him to lay his hands upon me... (2 wks ago, my back was so tight & painful he could accomplish next to nothing) Then a trip by the gym to knock out another 3 mi - felt SO GOOD w/most of the range of motion back in my lower spine! I felt like charging across town to make the Thurs-PM yoga class, but decided to come home for a quiet evening, sitting w/my feelings instead. My ride season drifts before me like a great unopened present, a pulsing vortex of possibility - wanted to plan a trip to MS at the end of this month, but w/this recent Wild Winter Weather I'm certain of nothing nowadays.
It feels so odd - can't even wrap my mind around the concept that this is "MY" weekend - all our recent school closures, snow days, juggling work schedules, etc have merged into what feels like an absolute maelstrom, above which I teeter on my tightrope.
"My life had a tendency to spread, to get flabby, to scroll and festoon like the frame of a baroque mirror, which came from following the line of least resistance."
"When you're young, you think everything you do is disposable. You move from now to now, crumpling time up in your hands, tossing it away. You're your own speeding car. You think you can get rid of things, and people too - leave them behind. You don't yet know about the habit they have, of coming back."
-- Margaret Atwood
** Yeah, thanks for asking, but I'm still stuck on my High Plateau; as I've mentioned previously, can't out-train a sloppy diet!
Be Careful What You Ask For...
Monday, February 14, 2011
Hmmm, felt fairly SUBDUED here lately, SparkFriends - a buzzkill combination of stress/anxiety/guilt coupled w/a glimpse of my Dark Side offered in a cyber-friend's mirror...
Maybe I should never have put things out there, leaving myself vulnerable - but that's the risk ain't it? If you solicit advice, not all of it may be 100% supportive, helpful & kind.
"...if you died in 6 months is this how you want to have lived? Angry all the time? Fighting all the time?
This is the boy’s father and you cannot change that. You are wasting your life in the divorce wars. You are wasting your youth. Your son will not appreciate it – He will see you as someone who is aggressive yet plays victim. You are in a psych-drama replayed with everyone in your life until you work on your relationship with your self – listen to what your inner voice is saying to you about your self. You need to be alone to hear that voice. Change that self talk with constant affirmations. Get with yourself – re-parent yourself –remember what your parents modeled about conflict – how they showed you conflict behavior – you need to change what you know they did wrong – you need to change that in your self.
Physically love yourself – love that wounded child and talk out loud to her. Get anti depressants as a last resort for a short time ( a year) if you cannot let go of this continual back and forth fighting on your own. Because you are not just wasting your own youth – you are not just letting what your ex control you --- you are setting a bad example for Z – You are just like his father – a mirror of his father. He is absorbing how to handle conflict from your behavior and he will repeat it in his own relationships. You and your ex are cursing his life."
CURSING HIS LIFE; I think that's a bit harsh. Ah well, you know what they say about opinions ;-)
MY opinion (there again, just knowing this person via what I read on her blog) is that she has obviously never had children or had to fight for their welfare after a divorce. I could NEVER stand by the wayside, leaving Z to fight his own battles while I "parent myself". (Guess it doesn't help that I LOATHE all that inner-child doublespeak. I think my inner child needs a good swift kick in the rear most days, or at the very least a pep talk - not a hug & a cookie!)
Running away is not an option. Conflict avoidance is not an option. If you can't tell from my angst over being stuck on this plateau for almost ONE SOLID YEAR, I don't handle failure well either. I will do the best I can, but I NEVER want my son to doubt that he has at least ONE parent who will look out for his best interests.
Maybe I should never have put things out there, leaving myself vulnerable - but that's the risk ain't it? If you solicit advice, not all of it may be 100% supportive, helpful & kind.
"...if you died in 6 months is this how you want to have lived? Angry all the time? Fighting all the time?
This is the boy’s father and you cannot change that. You are wasting your life in the divorce wars. You are wasting your youth. Your son will not appreciate it – He will see you as someone who is aggressive yet plays victim. You are in a psych-drama replayed with everyone in your life until you work on your relationship with your self – listen to what your inner voice is saying to you about your self. You need to be alone to hear that voice. Change that self talk with constant affirmations. Get with yourself – re-parent yourself –remember what your parents modeled about conflict – how they showed you conflict behavior – you need to change what you know they did wrong – you need to change that in your self.
Physically love yourself – love that wounded child and talk out loud to her. Get anti depressants as a last resort for a short time ( a year) if you cannot let go of this continual back and forth fighting on your own. Because you are not just wasting your own youth – you are not just letting what your ex control you --- you are setting a bad example for Z – You are just like his father – a mirror of his father. He is absorbing how to handle conflict from your behavior and he will repeat it in his own relationships. You and your ex are cursing his life."
CURSING HIS LIFE; I think that's a bit harsh. Ah well, you know what they say about opinions ;-)
MY opinion (there again, just knowing this person via what I read on her blog) is that she has obviously never had children or had to fight for their welfare after a divorce. I could NEVER stand by the wayside, leaving Z to fight his own battles while I "parent myself". (Guess it doesn't help that I LOATHE all that inner-child doublespeak. I think my inner child needs a good swift kick in the rear most days, or at the very least a pep talk - not a hug & a cookie!)
Running away is not an option. Conflict avoidance is not an option. If you can't tell from my angst over being stuck on this plateau for almost ONE SOLID YEAR, I don't handle failure well either. I will do the best I can, but I NEVER want my son to doubt that he has at least ONE parent who will look out for his best interests.
The Measure of Success
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Feel like tapping on the glass: "Hello, anybody out there?"
But it's true, blogging is cheap therapy - almost as cheap as aerobic exercise! Today was a hard push: 2 mi of half power-walk, half "slog" but I credit myself for sticking to the training program! We'll see if it pays off in a new PR in next month's half...
These past few days of introspection have me wondering what truly IS my measure of success? With this recent unpredictable weather, no (horse) training time, & deciding to upgrade my rig (shiny new Ford diesel truck bought last weekend) - I probably pissed off another friend when I emailed her to decline hauling to this big ride in MS; it was just feeling too uncertain to me. (She has yet to reply) Of course there's no reason she can't load her OWN rig & go by herself, other than the fact she hates long hauls... Can't save the world chica!
The fact that my son's 1st karate tourney of the season (after all I've done to insure his ability to compete) falls on weekend-after-next (same as ride) just cemented my decision...once again, my own wants/needs seem to fall secondary, but that's just another fact of life to This American Mom.
Things will either come together for Baraq & I this ride season or not; in the meantime we keep moving forward.
But it's true, blogging is cheap therapy - almost as cheap as aerobic exercise! Today was a hard push: 2 mi of half power-walk, half "slog" but I credit myself for sticking to the training program! We'll see if it pays off in a new PR in next month's half...
These past few days of introspection have me wondering what truly IS my measure of success? With this recent unpredictable weather, no (horse) training time, & deciding to upgrade my rig (shiny new Ford diesel truck bought last weekend) - I probably pissed off another friend when I emailed her to decline hauling to this big ride in MS; it was just feeling too uncertain to me. (She has yet to reply) Of course there's no reason she can't load her OWN rig & go by herself, other than the fact she hates long hauls... Can't save the world chica!
The fact that my son's 1st karate tourney of the season (after all I've done to insure his ability to compete) falls on weekend-after-next (same as ride) just cemented my decision...once again, my own wants/needs seem to fall secondary, but that's just another fact of life to This American Mom.
Things will either come together for Baraq & I this ride season or not; in the meantime we keep moving forward.
Another Blank Stare...
Monday, February 21, 2011
..so to speak, as I drag myself up to start another week, feeling ALMOST as tired as when I went to bed last night... UGH!
I am convinced chronic sleep deprivation is a very very large factor tipping my lil' seesaw, which is driving me C*R*A*Z*Y w/its slow oscillations back & forth... Seems like I could not rest this time until I seesawed all the way back up to my starting point!
But now I no longer have the lame excuses of the holidays, my birthday, etc & whining here about real problems such as refusing to address sleep issues w/hubby (it's no good when I awaken @ 1:45 AM to his snoring), and the lovely LOVELY fact-of-life which is ongoing conflict w/ex (if he just seemed on ONE SINGLE SOLITARY OCCASION to take his son's wants/needs into consideration, I could use that as a building block for a hopeful foundation w/son... As it is, when we have a school holiday today, & ex refuses to bring Z to karate team practice - refuses to allow me to even come pick him up! what can I say to my son except, "I'm sorry, honey - Mommy tried!")
Back to issues w/the current spouse - Jenn struck a nerve when she mentioned sex-drive issues w/her hubby, that's been a chronic problem w/mine... He didn't seem to understand that I couldn't maintain that honeymoon period indefinitely! It's settled down now** (actually we had discussed the possibility of scheduling a lil' romance last night, but instead chatted for a while, sedately holding hands until Hub pleaded off bcz he had to get up extra-early for work! I can't say I was completely devastated either) Anyway, I know in my case at least, that I have the least patience for my spouse's traits which are a mirror of my own:
Slovenliness? OMG! but how can I b!tch about the disaster in P's home office, when my kitchen is not much better?
How can I have any sort of meaningful discussion about changing diet/exercise habits when I keep on see-sawing back & forth over this same damned 5-lb range for the past year?!?
Obviously I need to remove the plank from mine own eye, but I can't seem to find the tweezers...
**I can't say whether that's a consequence of age/maturity, whether he finally accepted my proposal of Quality over Quantity, or the fact that at the ripe ol' age of 45, Hubs is taking 3 medications for BP/triglyceride regulation?... There have been some mild performance issues at times, let me discreetly put it that way.
I am convinced chronic sleep deprivation is a very very large factor tipping my lil' seesaw, which is driving me C*R*A*Z*Y w/its slow oscillations back & forth... Seems like I could not rest this time until I seesawed all the way back up to my starting point!
But now I no longer have the lame excuses of the holidays, my birthday, etc & whining here about real problems such as refusing to address sleep issues w/hubby (it's no good when I awaken @ 1:45 AM to his snoring), and the lovely LOVELY fact-of-life which is ongoing conflict w/ex (if he just seemed on ONE SINGLE SOLITARY OCCASION to take his son's wants/needs into consideration, I could use that as a building block for a hopeful foundation w/son... As it is, when we have a school holiday today, & ex refuses to bring Z to karate team practice - refuses to allow me to even come pick him up! what can I say to my son except, "I'm sorry, honey - Mommy tried!")
Back to issues w/the current spouse - Jenn struck a nerve when she mentioned sex-drive issues w/her hubby, that's been a chronic problem w/mine... He didn't seem to understand that I couldn't maintain that honeymoon period indefinitely! It's settled down now** (actually we had discussed the possibility of scheduling a lil' romance last night, but instead chatted for a while, sedately holding hands until Hub pleaded off bcz he had to get up extra-early for work! I can't say I was completely devastated either) Anyway, I know in my case at least, that I have the least patience for my spouse's traits which are a mirror of my own:
Slovenliness? OMG! but how can I b!tch about the disaster in P's home office, when my kitchen is not much better?
How can I have any sort of meaningful discussion about changing diet/exercise habits when I keep on see-sawing back & forth over this same damned 5-lb range for the past year?!?
Obviously I need to remove the plank from mine own eye, but I can't seem to find the tweezers...
**I can't say whether that's a consequence of age/maturity, whether he finally accepted my proposal of Quality over Quantity, or the fact that at the ripe ol' age of 45, Hubs is taking 3 medications for BP/triglyceride regulation?... There have been some mild performance issues at times, let me discreetly put it that way.
Another Good Quote...
Monday, February 21, 2011
“Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, the power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless.” — Salman Rushdie
In a way, it was a relief to get back to work after my hectic weekend... Burning up the highway on both Sat & Sun: on Sat to go down & shop some horse trailers, but Sun I reserved a slice of "Me" time to venture forth & meet some on-line friends in person (we studied the map & tried to pick a mtg place which was more-or-less an equidistant drive for all of us, worked out to a little under 2 hrs for me).
I'm such a nerd; I was so excited that I arrived 15 min early; the parking lot of Applebee's was still completely deserted. (We set up an 11 AM time to get there ahead of the church crowd.) I probably dominated the conversation - at least it FELT like I was babbling; so nice to be able to speak w/out self-censorship! When I told a condensed version of my divorce story, I was half gratified & half ashamed by my friends' shocked reactions...
I didn't want them to feel like I was just fishing for sympathy. Unfortunately neither one of them has been married or had children (although one has assumed custodianship of her late-teen nephew), so in many ways it was if I was dictating experiences from some strange foreign land... Why wouldn't you just LEAVE? Why wouldn't you call the cops? etc etc...
It's like I have tried to explain to my son: believe it or not, your father SEEMED to be a Nice Guy when I met him, fell in love & married him! He did change (for the worst) over the years; I can't really explain how that happened? I don't want him to be The Catastrophic Event around which the rest of my life revolves; but until I raise my son successfully into adulthood I am stuck dealing w/him...
& for the latest in self-sabotage: This morning I was sleeping WELL for a change, but apparently when I set my alarm clock last night I accidentally pushed the time forward an hour! I thought I felt unusually tired (what is WRONG w/me? I slept pretty good!) & the sky seemed dark, but I didn't recognize until I climbed in the truck that it was actually 6:30 AM.
Ugh! of course by then it was too late to crawl back into bed - I think that only works for teenagers - so I used this precious slice of time to update this blog & check email...
(I'm happy to report that my friend sent me a cursory reply so I guess she's still "speaking" to me.)
There have been hints of spring, despite yesterday's cold front - so I'll use that as a springboard to push AWAY from my decent poor decisions & keep moving onward.
In a way, it was a relief to get back to work after my hectic weekend... Burning up the highway on both Sat & Sun: on Sat to go down & shop some horse trailers, but Sun I reserved a slice of "Me" time to venture forth & meet some on-line friends in person (we studied the map & tried to pick a mtg place which was more-or-less an equidistant drive for all of us, worked out to a little under 2 hrs for me).
I'm such a nerd; I was so excited that I arrived 15 min early; the parking lot of Applebee's was still completely deserted. (We set up an 11 AM time to get there ahead of the church crowd.) I probably dominated the conversation - at least it FELT like I was babbling; so nice to be able to speak w/out self-censorship! When I told a condensed version of my divorce story, I was half gratified & half ashamed by my friends' shocked reactions...
I didn't want them to feel like I was just fishing for sympathy. Unfortunately neither one of them has been married or had children (although one has assumed custodianship of her late-teen nephew), so in many ways it was if I was dictating experiences from some strange foreign land... Why wouldn't you just LEAVE? Why wouldn't you call the cops? etc etc...
It's like I have tried to explain to my son: believe it or not, your father SEEMED to be a Nice Guy when I met him, fell in love & married him! He did change (for the worst) over the years; I can't really explain how that happened? I don't want him to be The Catastrophic Event around which the rest of my life revolves; but until I raise my son successfully into adulthood I am stuck dealing w/him...
& for the latest in self-sabotage: This morning I was sleeping WELL for a change, but apparently when I set my alarm clock last night I accidentally pushed the time forward an hour! I thought I felt unusually tired (what is WRONG w/me? I slept pretty good!) & the sky seemed dark, but I didn't recognize until I climbed in the truck that it was actually 6:30 AM.
Ugh! of course by then it was too late to crawl back into bed - I think that only works for teenagers - so I used this precious slice of time to update this blog & check email...
(I'm happy to report that my friend sent me a cursory reply so I guess she's still "speaking" to me.)
There have been hints of spring, despite yesterday's cold front - so I'll use that as a springboard to push AWAY from my decent poor decisions & keep moving onward.
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