Doldrums

 I hope this is what this minor setback is - as much as I hate the word “detox” (AFAIK my ol’ liver & kidneys are working just fine, thank you! Just the GI tract giving me some issues),  I am reading of other peoples’ experiences with herbal medicines as their bodies adjust to them. Each night I brew my bitter decoction, let it cool off and slug it down…

However, after that initial 1-lb loss, my weight seems stuck at that upper limit of my “barely acceptable” range. I am bloated & gassy - just as well that Peran stays in the upstairs bedroom (!!). I took him out for a day-before-his-birthday dinner at the Italian joint so no doubt that focaccia bread didn’t help matters.

I didn’t sleep well at all - Zach took a quick weekend trip back to Lubbock so I was on zookeeper duty. I vowed to quit trying to bail him out on his housework but I did clear the dirty dishes out of his sink. If I had more energy I would have done more but at least I got everyone fed & watered - also put off course when the tub of African soft-furs (small rodents which are very high-strung, similar to gerbils) had chewed through their water nozzle & flooded their tub, fortunately hadn’t drowned themselves but were perched on a pile of shavings in the corner like desperate flood victims perched on their roof.

Zach has given me no notification that he’s alive and well since yesterday afternoon about 2 o’clock-ish. He was supposed to return home last night - I will have to go feed & water animals and water his tomato plants if he was delayed. The joys of motherhood never stop.

In other news, my mother’s house has been rented out so I got to break that news to her yesterday. As I anticipated, she didn’t take it too well but at least didn’t argue or cry about it. She sat next to me on the couch afterwards and just leaned her head against my shoulder in a touching gesture of vulnerability and helplessness that really broke my heart. I don’t know what else I can do for her to help her adjust to this new situation. I got all I can deal with this pressure on my chest which I’m sure translates into pericarditis/myocarditis. And I didn’t mention my long-anticipated appointment with new doctor has been delayed until this Thursday since HER mother fell and she had to take her to the ER last Thursday. I feel for her - hopefully injuries were not severe.

Do Not Go Gentle

 Who else is a poetry fan? 

Dylan Thomas - 1914-1953

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Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I knew my Clarice was failing but she seems especially  frail and weak here lately… but as long as she’s eating and seems happy to see me, we will soldier on. It seems that these past seven months for me have flashed by in a mixture of pain (first specifically related to car crash, now more generalized), disability and general ill health.

My husband seems to have abandoned me like a crumpled-up piece of trash in the gutter but the rest of the world still needs me: my son, my mother, my critters, my employees, my clients.

I made it to my Bruce class last night which left my heart pounding & my carcass pouring sweat - today I once again feel like the Tin Woman, with wires of soreness strung from my heels to the base of my skull, but it is so good to anchor myself in this aging bod o’ mine, the only one I’ll ever get, what I must make the best of - maybe it will give me pause before I go through another fast-food drive-thru?

I’ve got to start lining things up if I have any hope of getting away for those last two days of the Fort Stanton ride next month. I need to go ahead and put new tires on my truck - I was squinting at the tread pattern last weekend. These may be the best set of tires I’ve ever bought - the only ones that have actually held up for 50,000 miles (!!!) but I don’t wanna push my luck on a 1200-mile haul in the summer heat.

And I don’t know why it’s posting in this format but I’ll try to fix it - later gotta get to work!

Mistakes Being Made

 I often paraphrase the words of the immortal Gus McCrae: “I face my mistakes every day and then it’s not much worse than a dry shave” [sic]

Last night in an oversight I accidentally took two of my melatonin gummie chews (I took one during one pass through the bathroom, but about an hour later when I was on Final Approach to the mattress I popped another) so this morning I am especially groggy, but at least I slept fairly well. Dreamtime also seems to be returning - which sometimes leaves a lingering trace of an unpleasant memory like a bad smell but necessary…

I ordered an assortment of Chinese herbs on the recommendation of someone in my long-haul Covid group: I hope soon to post something along the lines of that old Visa commercial - X = ungodly amounts of time wasted doing “research” - surfing the Internet and browsing social media, $133 Worth of Chinese herbs, but relief from long-haul Covid symptoms = PRICELESS!!! I was warned it was a noxious brew which it is! but I can choke it down for the sake of science. It has kind of hit my G.I. tract like a depth charge but it’s good to clean the pipes ain’t it? I’m down 1 lb overnight which is always good for ye olde morale. Also suffering a low-grade headache, but I need to take my ibuprofen and get moving this morning - the day ain’t gonna wait for me.

Reptile Expo Photos

 Sorry that they're out of order (quick photo dump)

Zach made a trade for this pretty girl

My son's gift to me - baby crested gecko (of course then I had to buy her a habitat)

Celebratory meal at the Argentinian steakhouse - the "dad" who sold all his children ;-)

Photo doesn't do justice to beautiful radiated tortoise, a species which is critically endangered & would likely be extinct if not for captive breeding efforts

New banner

Z chatting with customers at the expo

One Mission Accomplished

 Zach & I returned from the reptile expo with empty tanks - we dispersed all of the baby skinks & baby beardies with the exception of the one with the leg amputation. “Tripod” will be going to a client of mine who brought Zach a juvenile Sulcata tortoise in a very lopsided trade. (The crippled baby beardie probably has a value of $50, but a female Sulcata who has decades of life at about 1/3 of her adult size is worth several hundred dollars - but of course Z will get her set up with a habitat which has around $200 value. I warn clients all the time, quite often it’s not the animal that is expensive, it is getting the habitat set up correctly!)

Tina the water monitor will be traveling to Tulsa to become the mascot of a pet store there - Zach was very sad to rehome her but he just didn’t have the space. Monitor lizards are also pets which people buy impulsively as babies, not recognizing they’re going to grow to tremendous size and basically need a spare bedroom as a habitat. I could’ve made a terrific video of all the people coming by who did a doubletake upon seeing her - whoa, look at that!

I miscalculated booking my motel room over by the expo center - I failed to take into account the fact that Zach needed to come home Sat night and take care of the rest of his critters… I should’ve just stayed in Mesquite but it worked out OK - I drove Zach home, then took his car back to my motel so he was just responsible for loading up things Sunday morning and getting to the show on time. What an awesome test of responsibility, huh?

I’m pretty tired this morning since I worked all through the weekend, but I’m proud of Zach, encouraged for the growth of his business, and happy to stay connected with the herpetological community which after all, is where I met his father in the first place. Is this supreme irony or what? Photo dump to follow.

The Road Goes on Forever

 I received a nice package in the mail yesterday - it was my soft-cover book; I had the first 3.5 years of this blog of mine printed out for posterity (Jan 2019 - May 2022). Maybe it will be of some interest to somebody (mijo?), but there again perhaps I should’ve just taken that $125 and used it to start my bonfire…

We anxiously await a little rain so I can burn that brush pile - I should also hear by the end of next week whether my beloved Fort Stanton ride in July will be canceled due to drought conditions and wildfires in New Mexico. I’m trying not to dwell on the social media posts of my friends who are going up to Colorado this week for that beautiful ride - Zach & I have to get those baby lizards sold at the reptile show this weekend. That will be fun but also a lot of work - I’m trying to rest up and pace myself accordingly. I had all the best intentions of going in for Bruce’s 9 AM yoga class this morning since I missed my Tuesday night appointment, but I got up with a splitting headache - fortunately sinus-related since I took some ibuprofen and it is now fading away…

In one week I will see my new doctor and hope she can aid me in some sort of recovery plan. Just when I think I might be doing better, I am slapped back by chest pains, general malaise, and existential despair. I seem to keep hitting dead ends in my relocation search in a few moments I’m going to try to call a colleague in Seagoville who’s approaching retirement age - if he can be reasonable we might have something to talk about? It sounds much better to buy into an established facility as I grow more and more demoralized as I look at my place which will soon be demolished. There is a workshop on the south edge of Ferris which, there again if the property owner will be reasonable! could be remodeled but it also has to have city water brought in.

And next week I’m supposed to have another chat with the corporate entities - it would be great if I could hammer out a deal with them where they bought the real estate and I work as a salaried employee; that sounds better & better all the time! “Calgon take me away!” Relieve me of some of these responsibilities…

These little dogs are trying as hard as they can to help keep mommy afloat, but it ain’t easy.

This Side of Paradise

 If there’s anything in life I can count on, it is my Star Trek reruns in syndication. Just proving that you can always teach an old dog new tricks, I never realized until recently that they replay them in the same order the original series episodes were aired on TV. But of course, with reruns playing six nights a week it’s much quicker - a couple of weeks ago, I was watching the end of the third season - and here we are approaching the last few excellent episodes of the first season.

I realize none of this is of any importance to anyone except an old Star Trek nerd like me.

“This Side of Paradise” was last nights gem: the one in which mysterious spores infect colonists on a farm planet, turning them into complacent, happy zombies. Mr. Spock is infected & gets one of his few chances to have a romantic fling while letting his human half come to the surface. The entire crew is infected - Captain Kirk almost succumbs but is redeemed by his steadfast love of the Enterprise: “I…can’t…LEAVE!!!”

I suppose I have felt like Captain Kirk in my attachment to this farm: “Never lose you - never!” (Bonus points for naming that episode ;-) 

I have staggered through another weekend, just barely putting 1 foot in front of the other. I did ride Saturday morning but the heat was brutal, it about wrecked me for any useful labor for the rest of the day. We had a small block-party reception for our new neighbors - & while it was nice to go out and socialize a bit,  I mostly sat around with a zombified smile on my face. I drank no alcohol, just several glasses of water and then some lemonade and ate too many of the snacks.  Another neighbor is also suffering the effects of long Covid - I didn’t have the mental energy to get into a long discussion with her of what she herself has tried during her convalescence.

I have an appointment with a new doctor on the 23rd for which I have high hopes.

There was a great moment of levity - our nearest neighbor ("Curt the writer") brought artist-GF Linda to our little soiree, a nice age-appropriate lady** with whom Curt has had an on-again, off-again relationship. I like her, she's smart & funny! At one point, we were sitting around, in mild awe of our host's French Provencial architecture & decor - there were several taxidermied animals on the premises, for which I wanted to perform Last Rites (!!!) but as we stared at the moose head over the fireplace, Linda leaned over & whispered to me: "The Beverly Hillbillies!" & I laughed uproariously. Yes, it is EXACTLY as if a redneck had unlimited resources - of course that's very Mean Girls of me. I beg forgiveness - here the man is hosting me in his home. Granted, his wife is the one who made a snotty comment which I never forgave or forgot shortly after Ex & I built our farmhouse & moved into the neighborhood. They have a private tennis court - I made an offhand comment about picking up a tennis racket again, yet S cut me off at the knees: "There's a very nice racquet club IN ENNIS!"

Alrighty then, she probably just didn't want to have her butt handed to her if I could find my cutting serve again...

** Curt has displayed the distressing older-male habit of dating women who are FAR too young & inexperienced - I'm sure Linda doesn't put up with any of his nonsense!

Life in Hell

 If I were clever enough, I’d paste an old Matt Groening cartoon here - before he created The Simpsons, he drew an oddball strip “Life in Hell” which I found very amusing. 

Easier for me to take a screenshot then to try to explain it - I apologize for the poor quality but this particular cartoon about sums up life for me right now. I am very discouraged

“Quit squirming” just about sums it up perfectly 

I took Zach to the foo-foo Italian Place downtown which was amazing  - however I was distressed by the fact he immediately wanted to drink himself into oblivion  -   I know it was his birthday and all but I still worry about these excessive tendencies of his. I wanted to talk to him seriously about potential plans for the clinic and so forth but this was impossible when he was impaired. He passed out in the car on the way home  & staggered to the couch. I fed the baby dragons  & dragged my own self home. Another night’s crappy sleep and now I’ve got to get through the workday - it truly is life in hell. We won’t even talk about the fact that my mother won’t let go of this concept of moving back into her home - I’m strongly tempted to throw my hands up and let her do what she wants. It isn’t like anybody else in the family is helping me  - I’m sure  they all think I’m a monster for taking her out of her home in the first place

Here & Now

 I started to drift off into a reverie of how, 24 yrs ago, this was Z-man’s projected due date. I had planned my precious 3 wks of maternity leave around it, so my doctor wound up stripping my membranes to get the party (i.e. labor) started again on the 9th after a short stretch of labor pains stalled out…

Anyway, I need to concentrate on Present Day Problems/Challenges. Dwelling on past injustices is counterproductive, it isn’t as if I don’t have enough to worry about right now! I have had this weird discomfort in my chest (presumed pericarditis/myocarditis) so I’m gonna try “one mo’ time” to seek out a new, holistic MD - my riding buddy Susie had great things to say about her Dr Jennifer Edwards, a concierge practitioner who is down by Big Baylor (downtown Dallas). I’m gonna pay big bucks out of pocket anyway, so I might as well try this concierge model. Maybe I can get my phone calls returned at least!?!

Thursday evening I have made reservations for Z’s BD at a new’ish fancy Italian joint, high in the stratosphere of a Dallas skyscraper. Keeping my lip firmly zipped after telling Z I made reservations for a party of 4 - if he wants to invite P, that’s great - but A.) P will likely decline anyway, and B.) Z might rather have a couple of his friends, it’s HIS BD after all!

I anxiously await hearing from The Corporation if I had any success in pitching my Grand Scheme of having them buy the real estate while I retreat into being “merely” an employee - it sounds so relaxing to have managerial duties taken away from me! Especially these days as it is such a struggle with my time and energy - I have high hopes that I’m gonna recover from this nonsense, but right now life is a struggle, yo! What if this is “as good as it gets”?? (I really didn’t like that movie BTW)

And now I better get moving because, like it or not the workday is here - The realization dawned on me the other day how much I feel trapped in my current situation but there is literally no end in sight. As the famous Winston Churchill quote went: “When you’re going through hell, keep going!”

I know exactly what I need to do from a dietary standpoint to feel better,  so why do I keep poisoning myself with junk/fast food? Going for immediate gratification I guess

Unsweet Dreams Are Made of This

 I hardly got through Mom’s door yesterday before she started in on me: “What do I have to do for you to let me move back HOME?!?”

She has latched onto this concept as her salvation (see previous posts about her unfounded racist fears, she keeps retailing and embellishing the story of her granny’s narrow escape from catastrophe which has grown to legendary status in her mind) and lemme tell ya, it is getting increasingly tempting to say “Yes”just to get her off my back! She pointed out one of the scary neighbors walking down the street whom she has described as a young, able-bodied black man. What I observed was an older, hobbling bald guy - I didn’t walk up to him and asked to see his driver’s license, but I would’ve estimated him to be in his 60’s at least - in other words, well within the demographic of her community. This deterioration in my mom’s faculties is depressing. It’s very sad to see her collapse into herself as she says she “just wants to die in her own home”. I gently reminded her that this facility had been her idea - I’m not trying to be cruel to her.

At the same time I have to be fair to myself - I told her again that I’ve got to get my situation with the clinic settled. I’m still running the three-household circuit even though to a much lesser extent with her in her cottage these days. I have spoken to another corporate veterinary entity with an idea if I could get them to buy the real estate, I could go to work for them as head veterinarian/practice manager. They are having a meeting today and Ryan promised me a call on Tuesday. I just don’t see myself taking on another big mortgage at this stage in the game - nevermind that we’re running out of time for new construction; October will be here before we know it!

Got to shift my freight and get moving this morning. My own dreams are flickering back - I’ve been through a long stretch here where my sleep quality has been so poor I don’t recall any dreams at all

                                               Claude (or Claudette) the beaded lizard

                                                 Mila the Burmese python 

Close but No Cigar

 I tried to get my day off to a better start yesterday, really I did! But I dawdled around a bit too long, getting myself up & out the door - so I was just “late enough” to miss Bruce’s Thurs 9 AM class. I missed his Tues night due to the heat - I was afraid to leave lil’ ol’ Clarice in my car, even in the shade it was 95 degrees. I wouldn’t want to lose my Ancient One to heat stroke - she didn’t enjoy camping out in last weekend’s heat either, even though I know she appreciated getting away from the aggravation of the puppy! I find myself touching her tentatively during the night, making sure she’s still breathing. Zach observed her stiff-legged waddle on Easter weekend (when we ALL got a dose of Z’s realism) & declared she wouldn’t last long - I asked him to let ME be the judge of that… Mommy will make that quality-of-life decision when it’s time. If the rescue’s info was accurate, she’ll be 18 this summer - I don’t know her birthday but I suppose we can celebrate it in conjunction with Baraq & Z’s?

I went for my 4th or 5th week of acupuncture which activated an ache from my bruised L hip - Dr H found it impressive. All of my little meridian graphs are in the green now. Dr H’s adjustment table has a gentle rocking/stretching action which I find quite pleasant & relaxing - he also uses an adjusting mallet-type device which I like much better than conventional yank/twist type chiro adjustments. Next week he’ll be out of town, but I’ll be treated by his daughter.

Zach & I took many photos for upcoming reptile expo (Father’s Day weekend). He insisted on having me pose with Mila (6.5’ juvenile Burmese python) - great, more unflattering photos to goad Val onwards!

Z has not shared these with me yet so I can’t share them with you - we are hoping the stars of the show will be these adorable baby blue-tongued skinks which are growing like proverbial weeds! I can hardly believe my eyes. He lost the runt, but out of a huge litter of 12 I think this is still amazing.

I have no size reference but they are almost as long as my hand, 2 wks old & 6-8” long. The baby dragons are doing great also,  even though he lost one to predation (don’t ask, just don’t!) and another tiny female had her front leg crushed in some unknown trauma,  I had to amputate but Zach assures me somebody will think a “special needs” dragon is just what their family needs - of course she will adapt and she’s already getting around fine on three legs