Body Blows

 To paraphrase our favorite Everyman working-class hero Rocky: “It’s not how many times you get knocked down, it’s how many times you get back up!”

I am feeling ready to just hug that mat/take a dive/throw in the towel, however - please for the love of God will it just STOP already?!?

We had such a nice campout at Cooper Lake a couple of weeks ago** - Christina’s 10-year old daughter got along famously with Bo, so I let him go home with them. He would get so much more personalized attention, and I blamed his mild lazy streak for not showing much promise as an endurance prospect - however, there was obviously something else going on.

Last Wednesday morning Bo colicked; I’m very thankful Catie’s dad Marty was keeping such a close eye on things. All too often, horses with intermittent symptoms can get in serious trouble before action is taken.

Long story shortened, Bo wound up in Weatherford at the Equine Sports Medicine Center where he had colic surgery Wednesday night. Turned out he had a strangulating lipoma: a benign but nonetheless potentially deadly baseball-sized tumor - he lost a few feet of his small intestines.

Today he remains hospitalized on IV fluids - not out of the woods yet but we are hopeful. Hopeful that he transitions into being a very valuable “free” horse and not just a huge futile investment. These hard decisions are made innumerable times every day of the week.

** these memories help sustain me as I get up to another bitterly cold spell with sleeting rain - winter storm warnings and the whole lot, of course we Texans don’t manage this well!

As all this drama was going on, I got a text message from my niece informing me that my 71-year-old half-sister Linda in Virginia unexpectedly passed away?!? I know nothing at this point since she had been out of town visiting her in-laws but she promised to update me. I doubt I can break away on short notice for any kind of funeral or memorial service but we shall see… Dr M has offered to fill in if she is able - Linda’s other two adult sons & their families are in Guatemala so I don’t imagine anything is going to happen quickly… More reasons to be morose, we had barely met, so much water under the bridge! But I devoted most of my weekend into helping my “bonus child” (Zach’s stepbrother) settle in as he has rebounded to DFW after eviction from their Nashville apartment. A long complicated story (isn't it always??), but I am **TEMPORARILY** letting Alex stay in the Mesquite house - had to haul in a mattress for him, yesterday we cleaned out the fridge (yuck!) and I took him grocery shopping which was like the proverbial kid-in-a-candy-store scenario (he & his GF have been struggling with their finances for months, neither of them do well with Adulting Skills like budgeting).

Go figure on changes in text and fonts? but I’ll try to fix it later. Better start getting ready for my workday which will involve lots of layering in this miserable cold…

Triplicate

 It is said that “bad things come in threes”, so I sincerely hope that my latest run of horrible things is paused for a few moments…

1.) Clarice - enough said! Kicking myself when I’m down is useless, but I keep scanning the horizon as I think of my little zombie dog

2.) My little frog Tony died unexpectedly - I had noticed his eyes looked a little dull when I fed him, but he ate readily? Amphibian medicine is extremely limited, or maybe I just suck as a caretaker.

3.) Our 10-yr old cat Severus went down with fulminant diabetes, followed rapidly by multiorgan failure (liver & kidneys). I saw no hope - no legitimate reason to put him through more intensive care scenarios like installing a feeding tube/hospitalization which most cats despise... So I held him in my arms last night, gave him the injection and petted him and told him how much Mommy loved him as he drifted off. He was the sweetest boy, he just purred & purred. Peran dug him an impressive grave, in which we interred both Severus and Tony. Rest In Peace my darlings.

In other news, the end of the month comes thundering towards us as it appears Alex and Hayley will be evicted from their little love nest - I just cannot bail them out this time. I have not engaged in the conversation with Alex as he speculates about coming back to Texas - he still has not admitted to me that they are legally married, which is what he told Zach. The shelf life of these youthful marriages seems shorter and shorter? Karen’s daughter is still shacked up with her 40-something year-old boss even though her divorce is not finalized yet. (Alex has been pitching to Zach his grand scheme of living in the Mesquite house, but he hasn’t had the nerve to say anything to me, the landlord! If he does I will ask him how in the hell he thinks they can afford a house which should rent out for at least $1800 a month when they’ve never managed to scrape together the rent month by month on an $1100 a month apartment?)

And last but not least, my son is supposed to be enrolled in classes but I have seen no evidence of him on campus - that tuition bill is due by the end of the week also but I’m not paying anything unless I see evidence that he’s keeping up his end of the bargain. I could really relate to those sketches of healthcare workers supporting patients but I don’t know whether I am the support or my son is the anchor dragging me down?

The Non-Sheltering Sky

 (Aka True Confessions for Val, partially disguised as a movie review)

“The Sheltering Sky” was a 1990 movie with Debra Winger & John Malkovich which won awards for cinematography but got mediocre critical reviews. Michael & I were not big movie-goers, so as I recall we didn’t see it in the theatres, but rented it when it became available a year or so later. (Imagine, kids, having to wait months & months** - then go to a store, pick up a clunky videocassette, then return it the next day!?! NO SUCH THING AS STREAMING SERVICES - if you were really fancy, you could subscribe to a cable TV movie channel like HBO or Showtime to watch movies on THEIR schedule a little sooner. Michael & I, of course, did not.)

** if a movie was doing well in the theater, its release as a rental was delayed even further. It was sheer torture when I had to wait for my beloved Star Trek movies, for instance

Anyway, neither of us was particularly impressed by “The Sheltering Sky” at the time - maybe it hit too close to home, with the disenchanted married couple - by the time it came out on videotape, I already had the suspicion that my marriage was “not quite right”. (I caught Michael in his first serious infidelity in 1992 - why I stayed with the man another seven years and let him impregnate me is another question for the ages?)

https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-sheltering-sky-1991 Here is Roger Ebert’s movie review - I believe I’ll go read the book, which in ALL cases (IMHO) is generally vastly superior to cinematic adaptations! I also had not realized that Paul Bowles also did “No Country for Old Men”, another disturbing film which I did not enjoy despite the fact it got MUCH better critical reviews. Whoops, I must have misread, that gem was courtesy of the Coen brothers… (I’ll go back & re-read Roger to see what he was referring to!)

So I keep on wasting time here instead of getting to the real point of my title and blog post - I had a very nice weekend going to a brief campout with my trail riding buddies; I’ll even post a few pictures when I get a chance. Went to a new campground, had a good ride, wound up sending Bo home with Christina & Marty’s 10 year-old daughter Catie - he’ll get much more individualized attention from this adoring, horse-crazy little girl than anything I could ever give him! But I got home Sunday afternoon and let Clarice stay out in the yard in the very pleasant weather conditions while I was unloading a few things and went to take a shower, etc.

In that short time frame, she vanished and I can only presume a varmint got her, because I don’t think she was capable of wandering very far. I don’t even know which big dogs to blame for inadequate guardianship, since they were going in and out of the house with me. (That’s a grim joke, since Clarice would snap & snarl at any of the big dogs that got too close, and I was constantly having to rescue her from under Tulip’s big clumsy feet)

So my mood is grim, and as usual Peran ain’t saying much  - he can’t even manage to give me a clumsy pat to tell me it’s not my fault. But of course it IS my fault because who else was ultimately responsible for my little girl? He did help me traipse around all over the place but she vanished without a trace - as I said I don’t see how she could’ve wandered very far. Coyotes skirt the edge of the yard, cutting through the woods all the time and who’s to say an ambitious bird of prey could’ve taken her also? I can only pray it was quick and (hopefully) relatively painless as for all the other dogs we’ve lost.

A man and his mustang (yes, Brownie looks like a weedy lil’ pony but he’s not quite 3!)

                                                  Now Catie makes Bo look like a warhorse!

                                                                A nice roll after our ride

   

                                        Making friends (Bo was actually stealing grass from Brownie)

Photo Dump

 I'd much rather gaze fondly at pictures of my critters than worry about circumstances beyond my control (Speaking of financial stressors: I had to move some money around to pay my mom's property taxes. Despite the fact we discussed this, my mom's confusion when Edward Jones person called caused her to DELAY making the transaction for almost a week, thank goodness I was monitoring her accounts! I mean, I understand her trying to keep my mom engaged & in the loop by calling her - but what part of "power of attorney" is not clear to her??!!?? Long story shortened, the check cleared the bank on the same day the transfer went through - as far as I can tell, there were no overdraft fees, but in the end I decided it was better to "let it ride" & pay any overdraft fees, rather than transfer money from MY account which would then need to be repaid - confirming my mom's suspicion that Val is stealing from her!)

                                                         Buck the crested gecko

Gracie the White's tree frog (1 yr old now, squeee!)

Bonnie the tegu

Claude the beaded lizard (yes, I know she's venomous but she's about the most innocuous creature you can imagine - all she wants to do is eat, soak in her tub, and sleep!)

Peacock at wildlife center where I dropped off a "rat donation"

 

Round & Round

 The image of a roulette wheel came to mind last night as I tossed and turned… The wheel of chance spins each night when I wearily flop into bed - whether the ball slots into red (terrible quality sleep, never feels like I’m completely “out”) or black (napping intervals with urgent, stressful dreams), I’m guaranteed NOT to get a decent night’s rest, peeling myself off the mattress in a miasma of sweat, crusty eyes and stiff joints, spectacularly unprepared for my busy workdays.

My poor kitty Severus (how’d he get to be 9 yrs old?!?) has diabetes - somehow I “knew” even before I took him in for bloodwork yesterday with his glucose > 700, at least my diagnostic sense is still working fairly well! Thankfully he has responded well to his insulin, but Peran was completely uninterested in learning how to help - if it were a matter of giving a tablet, he’d give it the old college try - but I don’t think he can manage injections. It used to be the diagnosis of diabetes in a cat was almost a death sentence since they were so hard to regulate, but now with newer forms of insulin it ain’t so bad. Severus’ glucose was 264 yesterday afternoon, and improvement in his demeanor and activity levels was dramatic. (note to self: order him his own little glucometer for home use)

Now if I could just stop his brother Lucius from picking on him - he must have the smells of the clinic on him; Lucius keeps chasing him under the bed! 

Zach has consented to let me hire a moving crew Thursday to move the big furniture (One thing adding to my stress level is the thought of sclepping back-and-forth on the highway, doing it ourselves) and I am debating whether to keep my appointment at the diagnostic clinic for Clarice to have another scan. She’s doing really well but has decided she no longer likes my cooking - I hand-fed her little meatballs of canned food last night. I have to ration my energy wisely so I may have to concentrate on the big move Thursday and put Clarice off for a little longer - not that the scan is really necessary; it was more a show & tell for Dr R’s benefit. Will I change any hearts and minds? Probably not, so I shouldn’t waste the time, energy or the money!

Time to run some warm water over my head and make myself look presentable - recent photos are horrifying!

The Mummy Returns

 (What I feel like as I wearily peel myself off the mattress each morning; actually “zombie” is a better descriptor but “mummy” is my homage to Brendan Fraser ;-)

Well, I can say it was certainly a “busy” weekend for me - hopefully all these things will turn out to be a net positive?

Saturday morning, I went to pick up my son’s mule Alex from the trainer, where she has spent a couple of months in “reeducation”. I had discussed with Janet about possibly trying to find her a new home but she was too spoiled for what Janet had in mind (understand Janet has her own reputation to protect as well) I had warned Janet she was barn sour/trailer sour/buddy sour - I spent too many years just helping my son or another junior rider aboard her and all she had to do was follow my horse (Alex is actually awesome out on the trail) - Janet tried to work her out of some of that nonsense.
Saturday afternoon I had to go pay a workman who has been remodeling Zach’s new house, then he granted me the increasingly rare privilege of dinner. It gave me a good opportunity to talk to Zach one-on-one, since I wanted to be sure he & Victoria were having those all-important discussions about finances and household chores. In lieu of rent, Victoria will be paying all the utilities which in my eyes is still one heck of a deal! They seem to be getting on well but of course I worry about my baby - nevermind that when I was 24.5, I had been married for almost 4 years: getting support from my parents since I was still in vet school, but of course handling all our finances (budgeting and paying the bills) just as my mother did in her own marriage.
Sunday morning I went to check on my mom (the usual routine) but I did manage to get her out of her cottage to go see Zach’s house - I think the kitchen and master bathroom remodeling turned out beautifully. (Gotta take some pictures when we get things tidied up)
Then Sunday afternoon, I had another rare privilege - riding with my old friend Karen. Unfortunately, I did not take trainer Janet’s advice on Alex‘s headstall so she did not behave too well! In the end “I won”, even though I wound up dismounting to lead her the last half a mile back to the trailhead. My R knee is feeling those aftereffects, but that’s what ibuprofen is for as I finish my coffee & psych myself up for a busy Monday. My girl Kristy is having her scans to follow up on her (benign) brain tumor - she had surgery 4 years ago but a small residual growth remains. Fingers crossed for “stable, no change”.

The somewhat-intimidating hay ring obstacle

This is Janet’s mammoth gelding Blazen

Movie Review plus Memoir

Wednesday afternoon, even though I could’ve used a NAP after a miserably restless night (between my weak bladder and thunderstorms disturbing the dogs), I took myself to an afternoon matinee: “The Whale” starring that former heartthrob Brendan Fraser. While his breakthrough role was “The Mummy” in 1999, I have fond memories of him as George of the Jungle - I really, really liked that cartoon as a kid!

Anyway, it was disconcerting to see those piercing blue eyes and familiar voice coming from an almost unrecognizable character in a grotesque fat suit.

I thought it was a great movie, even though it is quite obviously adapted from a stage play. Two thumbs up from Val, it also evoked memories of my not-quite-so complicated family history.

I’m sure I mentioned this way back when (SparkPeople days), but morbid obesity runs in my family: both of my dad’s sisters were obese as well as several of my cousins - and my dad fought his tendency to gain weight easily for his entire life, until dementia wiped that concern from his consciousness. I’m not throwing that out there as another damnable excuse: Waaaaah! It’s my genetics - between that and my thyroidectomy, perhaps my situation is hopeless?!? Anyway, as we all know, it’s more complicated than that - bad dietary habits abounded as I grew up watching that side of the fam load up their plates (every family gathering was centered around an abundant meal), with quarts of soda or sweet tea to wash things down.

Aunt Martha passed away at what increasingly sounds like the relatively young age of 69. I know I’ve written of how she & her oldest daughter, cousin Suzie, both underwent old-style intestinal bypass surgery back in the ‘70’s, but Suzie died of sepsis postoperatively. She was 26. Aunt Martha initially lost a tremendous amount of weight, but gained it all back. Lewis Edward was not predicted to survive long, with heart problems surfacing in his late 30’s - we lost him at 47, while his younger sister Janice Lee went to sleep but didn’t wake up at age 42. Her sole surviving offspring is my cousin Clifford who has had brief success with weight loss, but with this past decade’s struggles with knee replacements and his family history of heart issues, appears to have given up . Clifford reminds me uncomfortably of myself with my half-assed keto efforts - setting bread aside, for instance, while still eating plenty of the main courses and saving room for dessert.

At any rate “The Whale” stirred up all these old memories and here I sit drinking my coffee and wondering how I’ll stagger through another day

Scary Stories

I need to back away slowly from Ye Olde Social Media - I stumbled across a post by a colleague in my “Mature Veterinarian” group - basically concerned that she will never be able to retire. I can sympathize, being in a precarious financial situation myself these days.

“I’m posting anonymously because, frankly, I am ashamed of my financial position and don’t want people to know this about me. I am of the age where classmates of mine are retiring or have already retired. I do not see how I can ever stop working. I do not have hardly anything in savings. I had a late-in-life divorce and I gave up a lot financially just to keep the peace and not have a long, drawn-out fight. I feel how tired I am at the end of the day and worry how long I can physically practice as the years go by. I have been and always will be an associate and never wanted to be a practice owner. I have always accepted low salaries because of my personality…people-pleasing and sacrificing.  I thought it would make the practice owner like me more if I didn’t ask for much. I could go on and on. Not sure what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe to see if there are others like me. Maybe to see if any of you have suggestions on how an older veterinarian can earn money besides active practice. I will continue to do this as long as I can. I just wish I had been financially smarter and that circumstances had been better in my life.” 

Folks chiming in the comments shared similar tales of woe, most related to divorce turmoil.

 This is exactly what has happened to me....38 year marriage and a six year dragged out divorce by ex who had an affair and is now married to the adulteress.... I owed $165,000 in attorney fees , have a lien on my  house.    I was straddled with a student loan my kid won't pay, the ex says I signed it  ($132,000 for both kids 2 degrees and 2 minors)    I am a practice owner, but my associate retired...can't find or afford another with the COVID shutdown and now high inflation and economy.   I am almost 69 and cannot afford to sell.  I can't live long after taxes on an sale if I live say another 20 years.    I would lose my nice home of 42 years that I got from the divorce and be on the streets or in a bad area.     I struggle to maintain a gross to pay adequate staff due to health issues and age.    (which has been so hard to find and keep and costing me way more than years back and with taxes on them).       I do love my profession and am good at it so I do drops offs for 90 percent of medical cases and staff can get diagnostics for me and well pet/exams/vaccine or simple things like check an ear or itchy skin which I can get done fairly quick.   I utilize staff my staff to the maximum and go in at a time based on my schedule.  I do my own bill paying, order drugs (had a trusted staff ordering on my account and sending things to her house!)  , accounting, banking  (staff stealing cash deposits I trusted once)    (because in 42 years I have been stolen from, scammed and will never let anyone have my checks and pay bills or know my business)     I try not to think of anything.  I just keep going and plan to until I can't walk in the door.     I adjust my schedule going in depending on what we have.  Surgeries I go in earlier,  otherwise around noon after staff lunches.   They intake patients, do anal gland, nail trims, clean, inventory until I get there.   I am efficient and fast and in 42 years have seen about everything so practice is easy.  I also have board certified internists and surgeons who work as needed.  Yep, I think there are many of us in the same position.     I feel for you and right there with you.   Having a business is frightening.  I have a lease monthly and outrageous expenses to run a veterinary hospital of any size in today's world.   I have to work or I lose everything I have known.   As my grandfather told me..."It's hell getting old."

And my own comment:

Did I write this? No, wait - I AM a practice (& hobby farm) owner, even as chronic fatigue drags me down, down, down. At this point I’m working to keep my farm & all my critters afloat, I’m too emotionally attached to liquidate but it feels like struggling through quicksand - there’s no escape but also no end in sight.

**************************

I am often plagued with worry about theft/embezzlement by my employees but at this point everything seems to be OK - I think it would destroy me if I found out one of my current crew was a thief.

My own cash-flow situation should improve in a few months since a good client (semi-retired) has volunteered to be my foreman on the remodeling project. I have faith that he will not screw me over…I may be bemoaning this decision in a few months but I’ve GOT to have some help - I do not have the stamina to spearhead this project  myself - not and keep up with all my appointments!

So the carousel continues  to spin…