Sorry Not Sorry

...to be back at baseline again, 3 d of progress erased by one celebratory meal at the Brazilian steakhouse! (a 3-lb rebound)
But I’ll never regret any offer to socialize w/mah boy - even though I know it’s bcz I was picking up the check. I DO regret slugging down 2 cups of coffee which resulted in a poor night’s sleep. Back to the order of bizness today (IF/LC)

Something's Gotta Give...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Can't blame hormones/water retention/increased muscle mass (as I palpate my protruberant abdomen)/constipation - or the moon, stars, & planets for that matter! This 7-lb weight gain is REAL.

Damn.

I wish I knew what it was about committing to any sort of a regimented program that seems to bring out the worst in me... Who do I think I'm fooling anyway? The scales don't lie.

Nevertheless, I gave myself a day off yesterday, for R & R after a hectic MONTH (where did Sept go anyway?) & I take the time to think a few Deep Thoughts, such as: Where WILL you be in 5 yrs? I pulled this inspirational passage off another blog in my aimless surfing:

"It's about what you believe, and more importantly, it's about the actions you take to create, or to change, what you believe that matters.

Actions lead sometimes.

Actions lead sometimes and then our beliefs follow.

And then it's all synergy baby.

Momentum.

And it's up to us whether those actions, beliefs, and momentum are positive or negative.


It's up to me.


Should I, in the long-term, succeed or fail, I will always know, and be absolutely correct, that the fact is... it's only ever been up to me.

I choose to acknowledge the truth that this is a process."



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• vFUNFROG79
  I've always heard, it's not a sprint, it's a marathon when talking about weight loss. I hear and relate to your frustration, my scale is getting ready to be thrown out the window if I gain one more pound after busting my arse! Hang in there! 
  3155 days ago

An Interesting Perspective

Here is a comment gleaned from Lyn's long-standing "Escape from Obesity" blog... I've followed her blog off & on for almost the entire 10+ yrs she's been blogging - more for the snark value these past few years, since after over a decade of yo-yo'ing, Lyn is no closer to "Escaping Obesity" than she ever was! She is either pondering her predicament, or making grandiose plans (a virtual bike ride across the country) which never come to fruition.
At last report, Lyn had topped out over 200 lbs again & I should be over the moon that I remain consistently ahead of her for these past several months, staying solidly within the "overweight" category, even if I've been at the upper limit of my  "comfortable" weight these past few weeks between Easter travels, Mother's Day & other indulgences which have ingrained themselves as stubborn habits. Time to climb back aboard the IF train!

I thought my problem was that I was "addicted" to sugar for years. Addiction being connected to emotional problems and weakness of character. So I thought I could fix it through willpower, working harder, whatever. But brain chemistry is a funny thing. I found out insulin surges are necessary for certain neurotransmitters to cross the blood-brain barrier. Carbs literally do make you feel better. And ironically, after a while, they can give you the willpower to start the whole cycle over again, feeling energized and positive and determined to do the same damn thing again that had never worked: cut them all out, get healthy, blahblahblah.
I found out I have ADHD and started taking adderal - a stimulant. Surprise surprise, my so-called addiction disappeared. My brain chemistry was more balanced. 
I've noticed you love stimulants - coffee, chocolate, sugar. I've noticed you wrote that on phentermine you felt "something is finally fixed." I bet the thing that was finally fixed was your dopamine levels. I bet your carb-fasting-cycle will continue in perpetuity because part of what you're dealing with is a biomedical issue. I'm sure there was lots of emotional baggage too. I'm sure you need to deal with that. But I'd bet good money there's brain chemistry involved too. The lack of motivation and follow-through (biking across America any more? no? how many days did that last?) is also a symptom of things like ADHD.
My adderal has not magically resulted in weight loss for me, but it has magically changed my cravings and eating habits for the better. "Magic" indeed. 
I have no interest in criticizing you. I've just noticed this pattern on your blog for a long time. I think this is going to be the last time I read your blog or comment on it, not because I think poorly of you, but because I think I've learned what I need to learn. I wish you luck in the rest of your journey. You never would have kept at it this long without willpower, so willpower is probably not something you lack, even if you feel like it. But the struggle against brain chemistry is not easily won.

The Horror...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

...crept over me gradually as I scrolled thru last weekend's ride photos.
Yes, you really ARE that big! (having a small-framed, greyhound-thin lil' Arab only makes me look BIGGER by comparison)
Poor Baraq's ears are back in almost every photo = sour pony
I know he had to work like a sonofagun in the heat/humidity/& deep sand in many spots.
Obviously I need to either lose a LOT (as I mentally compare these to previous ride shots, the fact of the matter is that I'm relatively tall while Baraq is short!) - or buy a bigger horse!
It's like I said - when my ex-husband was freaking out years ago, after I gained weight post-thyroidectomy (he has a real & deep-seated fat phobia which I hope he is not inflicting on our son) - of course I can lose WEIGHT, but I can't lose HEIGHT!
Geez Louise if I could find my reset button I would push it RIGHT NOW. 

• vLOURON
  You need to get away from the mindset of being a fat gal in a skinny gal's body. I know how hard that can be Years ago I went through a program where I was suppose to visualize myself in a fave outfit thin Hat to say it doesn't always help but all we can do is keep trying. 
  Louise

A Steeplechase

...is what my life continues to feel like, as I gallop randomly towards my next obstacles:
A.) passport office for Z
B.) sort out fees at Navarro
C.) close on house
I’m relieved that Last Hoorah has been rescheduled due to all this damned rain; it gives me a little breathing space to perhaps truly enjoy my Mother’s Day weekend, as we start to move stuff into the house & have all THAT fun! But I am excited for Z & Joey; I hope this turns out to be a positive step towards his growth & development.
(JK - I myself HATE moving)

The Failure of Intuition...

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Well those 5 lbs that I was blaming on perimenopause/bloat/excessive sodium intake do appear to be REAL...
Which leaves me w/a gigantic Q: just what the hell IS going on w/my metabolism??!!??
It defies all rationality:
A.) My eating habits have been reasonable
B.) I've actually increased my average gym attendance; doing "something" on most days (& a hell of a lot on a few days!)
The only variable I have not been able to control is my stress level - being dragged into the 3-ring circus which is the self-destruction of my BIL's marriage has been like a bad rollercoaster. Hubby & I are sniping at each other: certainly he's going to side w/his brother, while my natural sympathies (barring abuse or neglect) are going to align w/the mother. Brings back bad memories for me of MY ugly divorce/subsequent custody battle.
It's a mess.
So obviously I need to concentrate on that which is within my control - which is my own diet, sleep patterns, & exercise habits. Gotta take care of Number One! 

Continuing to Ride the High Plateau...

Monday, September 13, 2010

I like to skim my old blog entries for inspiration - but oh, if only I had known in May that instead of reaching the edge of this plateau, I would skirt even HIGHER!
I probably would have metaphorically hurled myself into the abyss.
This is weird, though: last Thurs was "Diuresis Day" - seemed as though I had to urinate every hour-on-the-hour. You might THINK I'd have dropped some water weight, but this morning I remain EXACTLY THE SAME @ 216.7 lbs. (Those stubborn 5 lbs hangin' in there)
The shame & humiliation as I raced to the toilet - these days, w/my weak bladder, I must "heed the call" or wet myself - as I yanked the waistband of my panties over the shelf of my bloated abdomen, where they caught each & every time! I was hoping against hope that at least those scales would budge ever so slightly.
Day One of alternate-day fasting has already been scratched - when my associate called last night to report she wouldn't be here today; her mother took a fall & fractured a spinal vertebra (osteoporosis) - I knew it was going to be a true Monday the 13th!
& if I'm working hard, I have to EAT, so I'll log today's food choices just to monitor myself. winningtheobesitybattle.
wordpress.com/ 
So onward I trudge, through the fog... 

These Bedtime Battles...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

...w/my son may just be the death of me. If nothing else, I know they're a deep & abiding point of STRESS (hello high cortisol levels!)...
Now that he's a big ol' 7th grader, my boy doesn't think he needs to go to bed at a decent hour (9 PM is my ideal but that NEVER happens; I aim for 9:30 if I'm lucky but most nights it's more like 10 PM). Unfortunately he seems to have inherited his father's tendency to be able to do alright on (comparatively) little sleep - there will come a point (age 14? 15??) when I will resign him to his fate, but I still feel a duty at this age to ensure he at least gets 8 hrs/night!
Wish I could say the same, but as usual I'm often lying awake at 2 or 3 AM, worrying about circumstances that a lot of the time are NOT under my control. (employees, family & ex-husband issues)
However, my diet & exercise levels absolutely ARE, & I'd like to understand why at this point I seem determined to regain every ounce of the hard-fought 10 lbs I've lost since last Sept?!?
What on earth compels me to eat crap food when I know full well I'll be bloated & miserable? then I punish myself even further by jumping on the scale & confirming yes, I'm still holding steady! I suppose I should be grateful that I haven't gained any MORE in these past 2 wks, but if nothing else I know my sweet lil' pony would appreciate a lighter workload... 

The Slippery Slope

...may have been initiated last night as Mom frantically called me after Dad wandered out of the house & fell on the concrete driveway. I was really hoping by calling the paramedics that I could at least generate a short stay of respite care for Mom, but the fall apparently “knocked some sense” into Dad, as he was the soul of lucidity, vociferously denying that he needed to be transported to the hospital! That was the most excitement he’s had since the house filled with visitors for his BD party 9 days ago. But he’s bruised & scraped up, which I’m sure will catch up to him today & tomorrow.
The worst of my DOMS has faded away, while the carb bloat & swelling recede. Almost back to baseline after my 9th or 10th go at the MS150 - “half-ass” (74 mi) ain’t half bad, considering no more training than I did.

Counterproductive...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

is the conclusion I'm left w/after trying to log food entries for just ONE LOUSY DAY!

The root of the problem is that I STILL primarily think of food when it comes to rewarding myself - the problem is multiplied manyfold when I am tired & stressed out.

So last night I saw no reason not to stop & get that order of onion rings when I had a few free moments as I rushed to pick up son from karate...Also still punishing myself for poor choices at lunchtime:

I saw RO's appetizing pic of Panera & had the time at lunch to drive over there, so made another poor choice to "reward" myself w/Mediterranean veggie sandwich & French onion soup (960 cal if memory serves). I was completely overwhelmed by carb-overload backlash of fatigue on the way back - had to pull over & take a short nap instead of planned gym visit!

According to SP's nutrition tracker, that put me @ 2035 cal & gave me the green light in all categories for total calories, protein, fat, & carb consumption. So why did I feel so crappy?

(Because I exceeded my optimal calorie count by more than 500 - also failed miserably at keeping total carbs less than 100 - SP counted 238. Live & learn, I guess. Or THINK before you eat!) 

Back to Where I Started From...

Monday, August 16, 2010

I knew it was too good to be true, when the (nice) gym scale showed me @ 206 last Friday...

My (realistic) scale here @ work gave me The Truth this AM: 211.7, putting me Right Back Where I Started From - I refuse to add up the weeks I've been stuck on this plateau, it's too depressing. What do I expect when things like my parents' 60th anniversary dinner come up: I know that's no excuse to go hog wild but dammit folks, I'm not going to sit at Outback Steakhouse requesting a dry-grilled fish filet & no-oil-added veggies!
(I had a salad w/bleu cheese dressing, 2 small pieces of their brown bread w/yes, judicious dabs of REAL BUTTER, the tilapia w/crabmeat stuffing, & sauteed veggies. A very satisfying meal w/which I drank plain ice water - an easy choice since we were dining w/my teetotaling cousins!)
Anyway, life's too short... at least I only drank protein shakes for my other two meals of that day, & felt just fine. I've been reading some interesting material about "alternate-day fasting" which is supposed to help retool one's metabolism - of course my excuse TODAY is that it's my son's last Summer Day before school starts up TOMORROW, so I'm going to have lunch w/him. I can always go for Tues/Thurs/Sat instead of Mon/Wed/Fri this week.
Getting below my next small step - below 210 - will be a great motivator. 

Rock Bottom?

Monday, August 30, 2010

I'd like to think that I hit rock bottom last week when I did my sprints on the TM - feeling all of my excess flesh jiggling around, all the way up to my cheeks!
It was fairly horrifying**, but didn't make a substantive impact on my ongoing Poor Eating Choices. I still seem determined to try different foods in every Bad Combination, until I finally learn What to Eat & What NOT to Eat!
**Very relieved that I had the gym all to myself - so no one else had to witness The Horror that is a Fat Girl sprinting on a high-speed treadmill.
Also sick of having these hormonal fluctuations typical of my normal cycle, followed by... NADA! I've been bloated, achy & miserable for a week now, but it doesn't look like my monthly visitor's going to show up. (Don't worry, there's no way I'm pregnant  )
So I went riding, took my son & his friends to the waterpark last weekend as planned - obviously I have to want things to change a little harder, or else make peace w/this reality once & for all

W.I.D.T.H.

I wonder why I put myself on this treadmill of Every Weekend Booked Up with activities - this weekend’s MS150, next weekend another ride (you’re not going to get off so easy, Miss Scarlotta - the 3rd try’s gonna be the charm), and then diving into moving Z into what I hope will be his new living quarters for at least 4-5 years... Even though he’s already talking Big Plans of “flipping” it! Patience, my son... Let Mom catch her breath!

Back from Vacation...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

...which as usual is a "downer", although it shouldn't be.
I proved on this lil' trip some of the amazing things this ol' bod is capable of: we snorkeled at Balmorhea www.tpwd.state.tx.us/spd
est/findadest/parks/balmor
hea/ , hiked at Ft Davis & Enchanted Rock... And the strangest factoid of all: my weight stayed EXACTLY THE SAME.

Again as usual, I took most of the photos & stayed out of range myself most of the time, but my boy wanted a picture of me atop Enchanted Rock... Actually not a horrible picture since I have the barest hint of a waistline! It bolsters my hopes.

Upper Modesta Canyon trail, Ft Davis. We missed a turn & had to hike an extra mile but finally made it to the highest point on the trail, Clayton's Overlook.

I had lots of time to think as we drove hundreds of miles across Texas to get to our destinations, but it all boils down to making the most of the limited slice of my boy's childhood I have left to spend w/him...
(One humorous fact: this year, my boy could only stay in the chilly waters for 45 min or so - & I explained the only difference is that since he's lost his baby fat & packed on muscle, he has no insulation! Whereas I was good to go until my face needed a rest from the snorkeling mask... There is a benefit to having a layer of blubber for insulation ;-)!

My skinny boy at the WWII museum in Fredericksburg (an awesome & awe-inspiring exhibit BTW)