Relief & Agitation

 Good news on one front at least - Karen called me last night to say she had gotten her grandbaby back. Baby daddy texted her over lunchtime to tell her “come get her at (his dad’s house)” - so she jumped & ran! Melissa had gone over there Sunday evening; they argued which he filmed (what IS it with the young ‘uns videoing EVERYTHING?!?)**, his dad got involved & so did the police - but of course since there were no court orders Melissa had to leave without her child.

** no doubt T was trying to entrap her with an assault/harassment charge, but perhaps he consulted an attorney who told him these were bad optics?

All’s well that ends well, I suppose - and so the legal wrangling begins; Karen was going to take Melissa to Ennis PD to file her OWN report. Lord help the whole family; I would never want to relive those dark demented custody-battle days myself.

I nearly set myself on fire this morning, warming my rump by my propane heater (singed my nightgown), and my heart was hammering alarmingly as I got the ponies fed… I need to confirm that my mom‘s invoice is being paid so I can maybe go to urgent care and get a quick scan - I really haven’t decided the best route of action? I saw a new acupuncturist the week before last; he only charges $50 a session and while a half hour of lying quietly on his table sounds appealing, I don’t know if my time might be better spent going back for an “oil check” to allopathic medicine? (I checked my thyroid levels also two weeks ago and they are fine but maybe auscultation, an ECG, maybe another cardiac ultrasound?) When I got back up to the house, my pO2 was 96 - I haven’t been for a hyperbaric oxygen treatment in two weeks either. Decisions, decisions!

But it might be the best therapy of all, if this warmer, mild weather sticks around - to get Mr. Silas out for some fresh air and sunshine. This entire month has gone by without me putting a toe in the stirrup - I know that is grim news.

Everything Everywhere All At Onc

 (Great movie BTW - I rewatched it last weekend. Hard to describe, but a sci-fi-“ish” mash-up of multiverse time travel & kung fu movies featuring Michelle Yeoh & Ke Huy Quan in an amazing “comeback” performance - he was Indiana Jones’ sidekick Short Round)

At any rate, “everything” continues to swirl around me like a lopsided hurricane… I **might** get a little bit of breathing room if Melissa (my Edward Jones “advisor”, ha ha!) comes through on her promise to pay mom’s invoice at Arabella, that would take a little bit of pressure off! (I’ll call her shortly if she doesn’t call me) If not, I’ll reach down for those boot straps and start yanking. Lucky for me that we are busy at the clinic, so the income will come in as long as people keep paying us for what we do for them. Yesterday was a Manic Monday with emergency surgery for a huge splenic tumor worked in - I kept repeating the mantra “I can do hard things” to myself. My feet were killing me by the time I got home; I had to collapse in the recliner for an hour and a half. 

Also watching disaster unfold in my friend Karen’s life as her daughter struggles with, shall we say, a “difficult coparenting relationship” with her baby daddy. He is bullying and threatening her - came over to pick up the two-year old Saturday afternoon on short notice (they have no formal custody arrangement in place - yes, I’ve been advising her all along that this is vital!) Initially he said he’d bring Leah back Sunday but now he’s keeping her all week and telling (mom) Melissa to “lawyer up”. I took Karen out to dinner Saturday night - there again, money I shouldn’t have spent but she needed a distraction. As I feared, she and her husband are practically raising this grandbaby (Melissa just turned 22 herself) and I don’t have enough time to discuss the drama with the rest of her family - Karen said she feels like Wile E Coyote, standing dazed in the wreckage when all she was trying to do was raise her kids up right; there are no guarantees, are there?? My son still hanging onto me with his bloody, half-severed umbilicus seems like small potatoes in comparison. His only recent mistake** was failing to get his homestead exemption filed, which means we have to pay the full tax bill but he should get a partial refund.

**we shan’t talk about the minor scheduling conflict with his spring classes shall we?

End of the Trail

I had my long-overdue “final arrangements” meeting with my attorney yesterday (She prepared my will, durable power of attorney forms, and final directives) Also owed her for her awesome “threatening letter to contractor” last month which got his butt in gear to finish up what he needed to do to get our inspection for Certificate of Occupancy! (It scared him for sure; I think he did more work in this past month than he’s done in the previous five!)
So even though that was $800 I really can’t afford, I can’t afford NOT to have everything written out in case something happens to me (as I tell Z, I might get hit by a bus! although down here, a semi truck is more likely ;-) P informed me yesterday that he might take a temporary gig in Atlanta - may be back to being a road warrior again. Not sure how I feel about that exactly, but a job is a job!

**of course we don’t HAVE that CoO yet as we await the City of Ferris inspectors crew (think of the Lil’ Rascals, unaccompanied by Petie the dog). 

Carousel of Broken Dreams

 There’s been no point whatsoever to writing as things have gone from bad to worse. I continue to flounder in a cesspool of financial distress. The powers that be have completely locked up my mom‘s account at Edward Jones - I have made multiple phone calls and keep running up against the same brick wall: “we’ve got to circle back to your financial advisor”. First of all, this is not what my parents had planned when they added me onto the account years and years ago, for me to have to go hat in hand each time I needed to make a disbursement! There is one slim ray of hope - I have an appointment Thursday to go meet with my attorney and get all my legal ducks in a row (Last Will & Testament, end of life decisions, etc) so I will ask her if she has any bright ideas. Must I take my mom to an independent neurologist to certify that she was of sound mind when she signed the new power of attorney forms??

Anyway - as if I didn’t have enough troubles! I feel increasingly worse and I know the stress of all this is not helping one little bit. Zach waited a little too late to register for his classes and found that the P-chem class he needed to repeat (oops) conflicted with his high-level lab. After a lot of round and round and back-and-forth, emailing his advisor, the professors and finally reaching out to the dean, he did manage to wedge himself into the full class at the appropriate time so he can graduate in May. If this ordeal had drug on any longer, I don’t know what I would do - I will have failed at absolutely everything if I can’t even get my son launched.

This cold dreary rain this morning certainly matches my mood. I got a last-minute notification Saturday of one of my riding buddies going to a benefit concert in Waxahachie. Yes, Peran asked me “Who’s Journey?” but he came anyway. (I had a TXU rebate card that was burning a hole in my pocket) then it turned out the guy is a client - his wife came over and thanked me profusely multiple times, so at least I got a few ego strokes from that. But the fact of the matter is, even though they tried real hard, there is only one Steve Perry! Peran prefers country music and kept a pained expression on his face - I told him later I’d rather he not come than to act so miserable in my company. He sputtered a bit but had no real response for me. I need him to hang in there at least one more week so I can get the damn property taxes paid.

Once again, gotta finish my last slurp of coffee and get on with my workday

I am behind that post - my pal Susie & her hubby (big bearded guy) are right below that green arrow

Ongoing Projections

 (didn’t get to complete my rachity train of thought yesterday as I sit here blankly, trying to wake up with hot coffee)

“Maybe the phone stays dark” - as I resisted several urges on New Year’s Day to call my son (let him live his life!) or my friend Karen (I had already texted her to inform her I’d left my trailer hitched “just in case” she was able to ride Monday afternoon; if she wanted to ride or otherwise wanted to see you, the ball’s in her court!) My friend Toni had gone out of town for her surprise holiday trip (yes, I admit to mild jealousy as I traced her route on the map - she went to upstate Wisconsin; at some point I ought to visit my cousin in Milwaukee, he’s got a nice apartment just a couple of blocks off the shore of Lake Michigan).

Whom I did hear from (cruelly letting her calls go to voicemail bcz seriously, I’ve got enough problems & this is 100% on her!) is my friend/client who’s gotten herself in a sitch: last year she decided her neighborhood was untenable and moved to Bella Vista, Arkansas where she has an uncle and a couple of cousins. In our red-hot Texas real estate market, her home sold quickly & she was able to buy another, but she told a little white lie to her employer (she has been working remotely)… She gave them her friend’s-with-benefits address in Rockwall but now it seems the gig is up. I cocked an eyebrow at her in skepticism when she informed me of this game, and now should I be shocked and horrified that her deception has been uncovered? Now she’s got to job-hunt in the much smaller market of Northwestern Arkansas as a 47-year-old woman with a hopscotching employment history - she’s always looking for the next best thing. Thank goodness for her veteran’s disability supplement or she’d really be up a creek!

Now I’ve wasted another  “coffee-time” session journaling about someone else’s problems instead of my own.

So here’s Silas after he figured out what that nice sand patch was good for!

Projection

 …which we all may remember from psychology class, is loathing inspired by another’s words or actions which is actually coming from deep within one’s own black heart!

Unconscious discomfort can lead people to attribute unacceptable feelings or impulses to someone else to avoid confronting them. Projection allows the difficult trait to be addressed without the individual fully recognizing it in themselves.

(in my case the discomfort is far from "unconscious" ;-)

I’m really annoyed by P’s slovenliness when I myself did next-to-nothing in the way of housework over this 3-d holiday weekend. I have absolutely ZERO grounds for this - I did a small amount of cooking**, and P has been great about tidying up the kitchen: loading & unloading the dishwasher, for instance, even if he fails to scrub the sink & countertops to my standards.

** whoop-de-doo, I made chile-cheese cornbread (to accompany store-bought blackeyed peas which I fancied up with a little bacon and Louisiana hot sauce), and a broccoli-cheddar quiche out of a crown of broccoli Zach was getting ready to throw out. Saturday afternoon I rode to the rescue when Zach had gone across town to visit his friend (ex-roommate Josef) and wanted to visit Central Market, an upscale grocery store, but didn’t have his credit card. I was on the rebound from another ordeal - bathing my dear mother! - & needed a distraction. Central Market is quite the experience, and Saturdays are “sample days” - I sampled a couple of varieties of Prosecco!

(Further explanations to follow)

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Of course, Sir Anthony Hopkins put it far better than I ever could:

Let go of people who are not ready to love you.

This is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing.

Stop having difficult conversations with people who don't want to change.

Stop showing up for people who are not interested in your presence.

I know your instinct is to do everything possible to gain the appreciation of those around you, but it's an impulse that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you start fighting for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you to that place.

It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, it means you have to let go of people who aren't ready to be with you.

If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you are not doing yourself a favor by continuing to offer them your energy and your life.

Truth is you ain't for everybody and everybody ain't for you.

This is what makes it so special when you find people you have friendship with or mutual love.

You will know how precious it is because you have experienced what is not.

There are billions of people on this planet and many of them you will find at your level of interest and commitment.

Maybe if you stop showing up, they won't look for you.

Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship ends.

Maybe if you stop texting, your phone will stay dark for weeks.

That doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing sustaining it was the energy you only gave to keep it.

That's not love, that's attachment.

It's giving a chance to those who don't deserve it!

You deserve so much more.

The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, as both are limited.

The people and things you give your time and energy to, will define your existence.

When you realize this you start to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, activities or spaces that don't suit you and shouldn't be near you.

You will start to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else.

Make your life a safe haven, where only people "compatible" with you are allowed.

You are not responsible for saving anyone.

You are not responsible for convincing them to do better.

It's not your job to exist for people and give them your life!

You deserve real friendships, true commitments and a complete love with healthy and prosperous people.

Decision to distance yourself from toxic people, will give you the love, esteem, happiness and protection you deserve.