…which we all may remember from psychology class, is loathing inspired by another’s words or actions which is actually coming from deep within one’s own black heart!
Unconscious discomfort can lead people to attribute unacceptable feelings or impulses to someone else to avoid confronting them. Projection allows the difficult trait to be addressed without the individual fully recognizing it in themselves.
(in my case the discomfort is far from "unconscious" ;-)
I’m really annoyed by P’s slovenliness when I myself did next-to-nothing in the way of housework over this 3-d holiday weekend. I have absolutely ZERO grounds for this - I did a small amount of cooking**, and P has been great about tidying up the kitchen: loading & unloading the dishwasher, for instance, even if he fails to scrub the sink & countertops to my standards.
** whoop-de-doo, I made chile-cheese cornbread (to accompany store-bought blackeyed peas which I fancied up with a little bacon and Louisiana hot sauce), and a broccoli-cheddar quiche out of a crown of broccoli Zach was getting ready to throw out. Saturday afternoon I rode to the rescue when Zach had gone across town to visit his friend (ex-roommate Josef) and wanted to visit Central Market, an upscale grocery store, but didn’t have his credit card. I was on the rebound from another ordeal - bathing my dear mother! - & needed a distraction. Central Market is quite the experience, and Saturdays are “sample days” - I sampled a couple of varieties of Prosecco!
(Further explanations to follow)
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Of course, Sir Anthony Hopkins put it far better than I ever could:
Let go of people who are not ready to love you.
This is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing.
Stop having difficult conversations with people who don't want to change.
Stop showing up for people who are not interested in your presence.
I know your instinct is to do everything possible to gain the appreciation of those around you, but it's an impulse that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.
When you start fighting for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you to that place.
It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, it means you have to let go of people who aren't ready to be with you.
If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you are not doing yourself a favor by continuing to offer them your energy and your life.
Truth is you ain't for everybody and everybody ain't for you.
This is what makes it so special when you find people you have friendship with or mutual love.
You will know how precious it is because you have experienced what is not.
There are billions of people on this planet and many of them you will find at your level of interest and commitment.
Maybe if you stop showing up, they won't look for you.
Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship ends.
Maybe if you stop texting, your phone will stay dark for weeks.
That doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing sustaining it was the energy you only gave to keep it.
That's not love, that's attachment.
It's giving a chance to those who don't deserve it!
You deserve so much more.
The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, as both are limited.
The people and things you give your time and energy to, will define your existence.
When you realize this you start to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, activities or spaces that don't suit you and shouldn't be near you.
You will start to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else.
Make your life a safe haven, where only people "compatible" with you are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving anyone.
You are not responsible for convincing them to do better.
It's not your job to exist for people and give them your life!
You deserve real friendships, true commitments and a complete love with healthy and prosperous people.
Decision to distance yourself from toxic people, will give you the love, esteem, happiness and protection you deserve.
I can so related to Hopkin's words. Thanks for posting them.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, you do you the best you can!
We all have a little "black heart" in all of us. LOL. Some more than others. As a science-minded person I tend to lean toward the "Just the facts, Maam". LOL. I must admit that I, myself, am always uncomfortable by people whose self-professed favorite quality is............ kindness. Blech. It's not that I want to be Oil Can Harry or Snidely Whiplash but there are qualities I appreciate more. Like being honest, resilient, optimistic, courageous, hard-working, wise, accountable, dependable, confident, tolerant, hygienic, respectful, punctual, mature, reasonable, just, calm, appreciative, fair, interesting, humorous. Kindness reminds me of kindergarten when people are told to stop biting other people. I may have stopped but I still would like to bite some people I know and this won't ever go away. Some people deserve to be bitten. I know a woman that hardly anyone can stand that is always harping about kindness. I assume people have been forced to bite her a lot.
ReplyDeleteI have often been in a position of leadership and noticed that many people who weren't always seemed to complain that those in charge were lazy so I have been careful to always make sure I work harder that everyone else around me. A quality that didn't go unnoticed by my bosses and family members. That being said I finally came to the realization that there was no reason for me to be killing myself while everyone else was "sitting on their big butts watching T.V."
I love high end grocery stores and can spend all day in them. We have few here.
I was originally a psychology major but my mother didn't want that so her boyfriend arranged that I spend a summer being mentored by a psychologist in a "Developmental Center" which is the stupidest, dummied-down, politically label I have ever encountered. The mentor was the most mentally ill professional I have encountered in my entire life. So I tend to think of psychology as too much fluff. My take on P is that you are probably working harder than he is, he could probably step to the plate more, you have a right to your feelings.
New Years was dumped by me years ago. Every day is just as important as another now to me. Sir Anthony Hopkins is right - quite the talker. My motto - Be yourself - everyone else is already taken. Oscar Wilde. Bootie kissing is a waste of time.