Tick Tock

 The timeclock continues ticking down - and I doubt I will preserve several years' worth of my invaluable dialogues (HA!) even though it all seems part and parcel of the same Sisyphean struggle sometimes. I have not QUITE achieved that "pre-surgical" weight range of 175 (scales stuck around 182-183 these days), at least I'm firmly in Onederland...

Achievement Unlocked

Friday, January 20, 2012

Forgive me for using gamer's analogies, but as I've mentioned before, sometimes the TITLE is the hardest part! Certainly no lack of material swirling around my foggy lil' brain...

For once I am looking forward to tomorrow AM's weigh-in; I'm trusting it will be good news. I've vowed time & time again to just stay OFF those flippin' scales at any other time than my Sat weigh-in for my Winter Challenge, but I always have to cheat mid-week. (According to office scales, I'm down 2 lbs, but I will once again follow The Routine: first thing Sat AM, empty bladder, strip off, & step on home scales. They may not be the most accurate, but they do seem to be consistent... Otherwise I'll drive myself stark raving mad: 214 at home, 218 at office - yes, fully dressed w/shoes on, something completely different at gym)

I had a VERY surreal moment on Wed, when I stepped onto the erratic electronic scale at my gym: 156?!?!? Do you have any idea of what joy that number might bring if it were TRUE?!?!?
But it's funny; by the next day those scales were GONE. This is their 3rd set of scales in the past year, guess we're just hard on 'em ;-) !

Another vote of confidence came from my friend/neighbor/massage therapist; yesterday she commented that I've lost weight, & this time instead of deferment, I could graciously assent "well, only about 5 lbs but I've been hitting the gym pretty hard". This woman has her hands on the ol' bod a couple of times a month so I know this is not just social nicety.

I admitted to Ginger that I had to drop a little freight or I was going to put my horse on the market; I wasn't going to risk ruining him. "But he's an ARAB!" was her reply (like me, she's a Big Girl, but her own Arab colt has almost 4" & probably 200 lbs on my scrawny lil' whippet; I've offered her a trade but for some reason she won't take me up on it ;-)

Hope springs eternal; maybe it will be at least a 2.5% Challenge for me after all (only 8 more days). That doesn't mean I won't soldier on, but most likely won't join another challenge; somehow it didn't quite live up to my expectations. I've picked up a few new friends, it's true, but I never seem to have the time to skim the message boards or participate much, other than logging in my weight & responding to weekly challenges.

Doing Everything Right, Yet Getting It All Wrong

Monday, January 23, 2012

Or in other words, a convoluted way of explaining my disastrous mood...

First things first - YIPPEE! This is the first chance I've had to log on & brag about last week's weight loss, 2 lbs! Go me! I'm sure Baraq-o-rama will appreciate every ounce, but yesterday I saddled up the mule for a nice relaxing Sun-afternoon ride w/my friend Annie.

I needed to get out in the fresh air (missed the sunshine; that was SAT) & try to get my head on straight. Feels like butting against a brick wall when Hubby & I have the SAME DAMN miscommunications over & over & OVER again.

The good news: P finally seems to be on board w/the dietary changes I'm trying to undertake. He's done the low-carb thing before, so paleo/primal style is not too big a shock to his system. We hit the gym Sat morning first thing on empty stomachs as recommended (this triggers a bigger GH surge for accelerated fat-burning) - yet I had not signed on for a TOTAL fast!

articles.mercola.com/sit
es/articles/archive/2011/0
6/19/innovative-revolution
ary-program-to-keep-your-b
ody-biologically-young.aspx

This was also my first "long run" - 3 puny mi which were nonetheless difficult; I got a little hypoglycemic near the end, not a full "boink" but almost... I never police P's efforts at the gym (I know he used the elliptical for a bit, then probably hit the weight machines) - after about 25 min, he told me he was stepping out to go to the pharmacy, I waved bye-bye! (still had 20 min to go)

I staggered out of the gym, weak & light-headed - as I swung my bag into the backseat, I exclaimed "Whew! Breakfast is gonna taste good!" but P stated emphatically that he was now avoiding restaurant food. OK then, TAKE ME HOME. And he did.

I think a husband who gave a crap about his wife might have offered to go by a drive-through or stop at a convenience store for a refreshing beverage +/- a snack, although of course it was true that waiting an extra 45 min for my breakfast did not kill me! (let's hope it made me stronger)

It just makes me sad, that's all - I thought the ones who love you would be a little more proactive. I sure know how to pick 'em.

Reconciliation

Monday, January 30, 2012

So once again I slept poorly Fri night, arose early (7 AM) Sat morning & staggered to the scales... Had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, so it was a pleasant surprise to see that the scales had dipped another 0.4 lbs.

This gives me a net loss of 4 lbs ("2%") over my 8-wk Winter Challenge as a Firecracker. This also leaves me confused - while I sputtered vile threats to myself as my scales exhibited some really weird fluctuations (most of which did NOT seem to correspond to how I was eating & moving at the time), bottom-line I feel that ANY loss recorded over the holidays is a win-win situation!

(Here's a recap week-by-week: DOWN 1.4, UP 4.2, DOWN 4.6, UP 1.4, DOWN (finally, slow but consistent downward trend) 0.4, 0.6, 2.0, & 0.4)

I love rollercoasters, but not of this sort. Still on the fence as to whether or not I'll sign up for the Spring Challenge. More confusion ensued as I halfheartedly began to sort through my closet - I tried on an old pair of Land's End size 18 khakis which are still skintight. I could zip 'em which is progress, but still need to peel off another 8 - 10 lbs for them to look decent! This is in stark contrast to my Michael Kors size 14 jeans which are getting baggy...

Obviously I soldier on - obsessing about numbers on a scale distracts me from more intense interpersonal relationship issues ;-)

Once again, MORE TO COME! Today's good news is that my bladder niggled at me during the final quarter-mile on the TM, but no embarrassment ensued. 76 days & counting.

(Wo)man on Ledge

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

(Even though the movie has gotten pretty abysmal reviews, I might go see it for the mindless entertainment value)

& believe me, I could use the distraction these days. My anxiety level is sky-high, I've tanked up on enough coffee that I may not sleep for days - I feel like a high-strung racehorse, chomping at the bit, only problem being there's NOWHERE TO RUN!

We've been so damned busy at work that I haven't been able to make it by the gym yesterday or today (actually a semi-truth about today - I COULD have gone, but chose to have lunch w/a friend instead - thought the emotional connection would do me more good than physical release!). I recognize a large part of this as pure caffeine overdose, a self-inflicted wound. I've run in & out of the bathroom so many times I should be dizzy.

My ex is being even MORE of a horse's a$$ than usual (w/sincere apologies to my sweet ponies; Darling Mule loves to turn her rump into ya for a nice butt-scratch) Z's Confirmation (kinda the Catholic equivalent of a bar mitzvah, so you **might** make the mistake of presuming that M would grant it the importance it deserves) is coming up in 10 short days, but there's a mandatory rehearsal/spiritual retreat THIS Sat, which is M's weekend... At this point in time he says he will take him, but truly it's anyone's guess. I've done all I can do so I just need to quit fretting about it. (Please tell my mother, she's Z's sponsor!)

(well I was TRYING to download a photo of my boy trying on suit jackets but machine is uncooperative - what can I say, Mom liked the charcoal gray but HE liked basic black! it may be MY money, but it's HIS suit ;-)

I pray for strength & tolerance, dear SparkFriends - the sanctuary of an endurance ride awaits me this weekend, but I feel great guilt about escaping which is completely illogical... As I've said, we've done all we can do - up to & including an offer by dear long-suffering P to drive Z all the way back to his father's house Sat afternoon, if only M will deliver him to church Sat morning (M declined). I wish I could explain the man's intolerant, bizarre behavior but alas, I'm only an animal doctor, NOT a psychiatrist.

Middleweight

Friday, February 03, 2012

I appreciated CBAILEYC's blog the other day about being "my scale's b*tch"...

Maybe we need a new SparkTeam, eh??? Bcz I don't seem to be able to stay away from mine - it seems fairly consistent although it's just an inexpensive WW model that P brought to our marriage (honestly don't remember when I discarded my old bathroom scales - in the aftermath of my divorce it became blatantly obvious that the number on the scales didn't matter: I lost all my baby weight & it STILL didn't matter. M had chosen a woman 10 yrs older, but at least 6 in shorter & a good 70 lbs lighter than me. I had NEVER been skinny, but it left me scratching my head... After all, I could lose weight but not HEIGHT if that was truly his preferred "type"?!?)

Anyway, after Winter Challenge I have been in the habit of weighing-in on Sat AM, but couldn't resist a sneak preview this AM: 209.2!!! (Yes, I repeated it for consistency)
I'm not logging this in until I'm sure it "sticks" for a few days, but WOW! Can't tell ya how good it feels to be an official Middleweight again! (MW 186 - 210, Heavyweight 211 +)

Too bad my sinuses have exploded this week, so I can thank No Appetite for this recent loss... I didn't even feel like loading up & hauling to the ride this weekend, which is absolute proof of how bad I feel. Bottom line is that I'm stressed out & spread too thin, I'm resentful of the fact that I couldn't take Z (when we had so much fun last year at this event; I don't know WHY they moved it back to FEB?!?!?)

So I need to lose another 30 lbs or so to be able to change my "official" status (our riding divisions are rider PLUS tack); still a couple more steps in the right direction.

(now Hubby's ready to hit they gym; I'm gonna do a light workout w/lots of Kleenex)

Truth in Advertising...

Friday, February 03, 2012

...What a concept!

Hopefully I can get these photos to download, dear SparkFriends, bcz this is a brief cautionary tale reminding you to always "RFL": READ those EFFIN' LABELS!!!

I felt much better this afternoon after a Chihuahua nap, even put in a brief gym appearance w/Hubby (we played nice this time, no fighting ;-) & when we got home my appetite had perked up, I was sniffing around the kitchen for somethin' to eat...

I had a few frozen dinners which need to be consumed, Primal or not, so when I selected this


I thought Hmmm, not too bad - 230 calories & 27 g of carbs... Then unfortunately I read the nutrition label:


Serving size ONE-HALF burrito!?!? Ya gotta be kidding me; it is NOT a big tray! I'm sure Hubby got sick & tired of hearing me rant & rave about it; he had the last piece of crustless quiche from yesterday (Primal-compliant & pretty darn good if I DO say so myself)
liveoncejuicy.com/2011/0
2/18/gf-spinach-quiche/

So yes as a matter of fact I DID eat the whole thing - considering I'd eaten next to nothing (drank a Frappuccino, had a few scattered handfuls of almonds), I felt perfectly justified..

Self-Inflicted Wounds

Friday, February 10, 2012

An alternate title is "Slow Learner", but I think I've previously used that one!

Yes, it's true, something about success must just scare the ever-living daylights outta me...Seeing that back side of 210 has triggered a sequence of poor choices, as a result of which today, I'm barely hanging on to my Middleweight status @ 210.6 lbs. (Yep, I'll go ahead & log that - it IS Fri after all, even though I've been compulsively pulling the scale out of the bathroom closet almost every day this week)

Z is fighting off the same sort of sinus crud that sidelined me last weekend; Ex called me Tues morning (wonders will never cease!) to inform me that he had dosed Z w/Dayquil & delivered him to school... By Tues evening he was feverish w/copious drainage. This earned him 2 days home sick, w/lots of TLC from Grandma on Wed, & Yours Truly yesterday (my day off, ah well). This morning he got a good night's sleep, had a normal temp so off to school we went. I want him to look & feel good for Confirmation tomorrow & our "party weekend"!

I've felt as though I'm bouncing around like a pinball - did not make it to the gym Wed or Thurs, TODAY'S THE DAY!!! May have to lay off the caffeine, though; I can tell part of this "high-stress" feeling is a self-inflicted wound... I did a mere 20 min of yoga last night which as usual, did me a world of good; I seemed to sleep better than average.

My new set of "A Guide to Meditation" CD's remain in their shrink-wrap; that should be next week's self-improvement project!

Tidal Waves

 ...of sadness threaten to swamp me. Cumulative effects of losing several patients (prototypical "Can't save 'em all") coupled with ongoing deleterious effects of facing my mom's abysmal mood/failure to adjust to her assisted living sitch. Have I dealt her an irreversible injury by evicting her from her home?

Half A$$ Reboot

Monday, November 28, 2011

I really felt I was doing outstandingly well for a Thanksgiving weekend, until the time approached to return Hubs to the airport & the stress/strain blew my self-control apart (Sun afternoon & evening: we stopped for Indian food en route to the airport, then I met a GF for coffee & dessert on the way back)...

I made my Special Spicy Greens as well as a low-carb pumpkin pie for Turkey Day; both were very well received. I even logged what I ate on Thurs - yes, w/"a lil bit of everything" that topped out to be a 2300-cal day, but I got right back on track Fri & Sat. We hit the gym on Sat & took the puppies for a walk in the stiff cold wind.

I did not ride, tried not to dwell too much on my boy, stuck in horse camp up in OK afoot...(4 yrs ago, I moved heaven & earth to transport Z's Little Red Mule to his dad's so he would be able to ride at the MO event they were traveling to... Since M seems to be making every effort to ignore my existence these days, I'm certainly NOT going to let him get his hands on the new mule's lead rope!) How many of you think it's strange that after all these years on his own spread (10), my ex has never bothered to line up a mount for his own son?!? To me, that just shows the depth of his own narcissism & self-involvement. (Z told me that She Who Shall Not Be Named rode on Fri, his dad rode one of Aunt Patsy's horses on Sat. I hope he had a miserable time in Sat's cold rain! ;-)

I keep on looking at next year's ride calendar as if it's going to show me something better: virtually none of the spring rides line up w/"MY" weekends (esp since Ex will get Z for Spring Break). But if I want my B-boy or any of the other horses, for that matter! - to do their best, I need to reduce their workload by reducing my own weight... Even though the competitive field narrows out significantly up here amongst the Heavyweights, it's lonely at the top ;-) !

The cold hard facts are that an equine shouldn't be forced to carry more than 30% of their own body weight... That means I've been consistently overloading Mr B & his wiry lil' 750-lb frame (doing the math = 225 lbs). A 10% loss for me would get us down to a more manageable 25% load... No telling what we could do!

So I pick up the pieces again, to continue my half-a$$ reboot efforts. I have joined the 5% Dec challenge which will translate into 10.8 lbs. It doesn't seem so daunting in smaller increments.

 

Half a Loaf

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Well, not surprising I'm off to an inconsistent start w/this Winter Challenge...
Had the bad luck for Day 1 to coincide w/my 30th HS reunion last night - I saved over half my day's calories for the party last night & more than likely still went over my limit!
(Nope, didn't log it all - I caught enough flack when I pulled out my iPhone & one of my classmates yelled: "No work allowed Val!" ;-)

The best part of my reunion was the fact that I walked in wearing size 16 jeans! Who'd think that sounds like a desirable goal - but considering that my old jeans are size 20 & had gotten pretty baggy - I treated myself to what I hope are good short-term intermediary wear. (I tried on 3 pairs - the "skinny" style was still too tight... I need to take the advice I read somewhere: clean out my closet & get RID of everything that doesn't fit!)

Anyway, it was fun & today is a new day - even if it IS cold, rainy, & miserable! At least I made it by the gym & knocked out a couple of mi on the TM - I am THANKFUL that I'm not downtown trying to slog through another half-marathon; it would have been brutal! (When my reunion was scheduled for last night, that more or less put the nail in the coffin of those plans.) I didn't go too hog-wild last night, but slept in this morning, moving a lil' slowly w/a slight hung-over feeling...

I'm going to pick out a nice springtime destination half & try to talk one of my GF's into doing it w/me - she's complaining mightily about the (minor) amount of weight she's gained as the years have caught up w/her metabolism! (I can laugh at her now bcz she's always been one of those disgusting naturally-skinny types ;-)

Gotta take hubby back to the airport later on this afternoon - he has not heard anything about contract renewal (which in my book means "No"; he should have heard by 11/15) - which means he'll probably be driving back home from NC on Xmas Eve. This separation is a GOOD thing, since it gives me more time to concentrate on my own routine, hopefully get something healthier established by the time he gets back home "for good" (or at least for the time being). Best of all, I'll have my boy for the next 3 weekends in a row since I get that 1st wk of Xmas break! (His dad just got these last 3 w/Thanksgiving & all)

The Power of Positive Thinking?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I'm still reeling in shock this AM; I was dreading my first weigh-in for Winter Challenge since it hasn't FELT as if I've been especially consistent w/my diet... Hell, I didn't even make it by the grocery store till Thurs!

I don't go in for all that "Secret"-type, positive- thinking BS, but earlier in the week, as I succumbed to urges for things like chicken wings - I changed my ticker to reflect fitness minutes instead of my weight, since I HAVE been consistent w/exercise.

Yesterday, short on time & fortunately having the gym all to myself, I did a quick but intense HIIT session on the TM... (I ordinarily would not let anyone witness the sad spectacle of me sprinting on the TM!) It must have temporarily kicked my metabolism into overdrive; I was STARVING last night & now feel mild shin-splint type soreness. 20 short min, but my HR was spiking into 140's & I was dripping sweat. It must have also done something for diuresis, since last night I drank unsweetened tea at our movie (don't ask; Mom wanted Muppets but my boy & his friends wanted the goofy Harold & Kumar movie!) - then urinated what felt like gallons!

I was ridiculously proud of myself, only having a double handful of popcorn, vs my usual half-bucket.
But now my boys are stirring so it's time to make breakfast!

In a Nutshell

Monday, December 12, 2011

"Did you ride this weekend?" asked my friend last night, & it felt like a punch in the stomach...

No, I didn't ride, even though most of the weekend we had gorgeous but chilly weather. I gave my time away "for the greater good" once again; my boy had asked to have some friends over - so I spent my weekend driving everywhere: picking 'em up, ferrying 'em to the movies Fri night, going to Six Flags on Sat, delivering back home...

Heavy sigh... Yesterday I felt completely wrung out & exhausted, yet still had "more duties to perform": we met my mom at church, took her to lunch, then got a call from my friend Lisa - it's her boy's B/D so she invited Z to (another) movie...

By the time I delivered Z to the theatre, I SHOULD have put in an appearance at the gym, but what my body was screaming for was a NAP! So I took the dogs for a short stroll, found an isolated corner of the parking lot, & did just that. A nap in the car was far from perfect, but Buddy-dog curled up on my chest & kept me cozy & warm.

When I roused myself (I had set time on cell ph to awaken me 20 min before movie finished), clouds had scudded in, daylight was fading - by the time we got home it was pitch black - so there went my weekend. I console myself w/the thought of two days' good solid riding over New Year's weekend... I'm just going to take it easy, doing 25-mi rides & leaving myself the time & the energy to socialize w/my friends.

Eventually Endocrine

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I knew cold hard reality was going to catch up to me, as I bloated up in the earlier part of this week - my body is likely preparing for another period that will not come...

Did I somehow consume 14700 extra calories over the course of last week, resulting in a 4.2 lb weight gain? No, I did not - I lay no claims to perfection this week, but I exercised consistently & ate sensibly. (That's not the rumble of thunder in the distance, either ;-)

My clients have inundated us w/Christmas goodies as is their usual custom: cookies, candy, fudge, tamales but it hasn't been as much of a challenge to bypass 'em... I have limited myself for the most part to 1 or 2 treats per day - I would be confessing my "sins" here if I HAD binged out. As I clean up my act, nutritionally speaking, the junk food has less & less appeal - my tastes grow more discerning: if I'm going to splurge, it's going to be on something luscious like a dark chocolate truffle or a sliver of Dulce de Leche cheesecake.

Anyway, the most value of all comes from the fact that I recognize this as a temporary blip on the scales; it doesn't trigger that depressive downward spiral of overindulgence & sloth that it used to... Maybe my monthly visitor will show up this month but maybe not - may have gotten all the bloat, chocolate cravings & depressed, hopeless mood for "nothing" so to speak.

I'll do my best to stay accountable here - this community is unbelievably helpful to me in that regard.

(It has rained off & on for most of the past week beside - once again no opportunities to ride. I'm holding out for decent weather New Year's weekend!)

Vitamin S

Friday, December 23, 2011

The simple sense of well-being that comes from nothing more than getting a few hrs' decent SLEEP is beyond price!

Z & I were lounging around yesterday morning (another all-but-unimaginable luxury: a day in which I'm not tied to the tyranny of the clock!) - so here it was, 9:30-ish, & I noticed the dogs becoming agitated... No one was barking so I didn't pay much attention - then, P's car came rolling down the drive!

Yes, folks, my DH drove ALL NIGHT LONG to get home safely - of course he had called me when he hit the road Wed afternoon, but I just presumed he would stop O/N somewhere in the vicinity of Mississippi to break that 1000 mi journey. Does this fall into the True Love, or the Dogged Determination category??!!?? Perhaps a little of both...

It was a pleasant surprise, but threw my entire day's plans off-kilter. P was still fairly well-caffeinated, so we went to town to grocery shop, run a couple of errands, have a celebratory lunch... By mid-afternoon, both of us were starting to fade, so it was time for a nap. I had planned to take Z into town for his karate lesson as well as a planned sleepover w/a buddy, but he fell asleep in the car (something he NEVER does, proving his complete exhaustion). I should have just taken him straight back home for a decent night's rest; I have a bad feeling about perpetuating Z's exhaustion w/a sleepover, but as a lot of you well know, it's impossible to reason w/a teenager.

The upside is this left Z's waterbed free when my exhausted HUSBAND begain snoring last night, leading us back to my title! I could have also titled it: "When Momma Ain't Happy, Ain't NOBODY Happy!" I was thinking our joint Xmas gift might be a massage chair, but it OUGHT to be a new mattress. (I loved my old waterbed but had to give it up w/my thyroid issues, as I was slowly parboiling my husband!)

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday (doesn't feel like much of one on the weekend, but that's the way it goes)!

Hard Choices

Saturday, December 24, 2011

...when Hubby is snoring, yet you're tucked all snug & warm in bed w/your two little dogs, it's hard to force yourself to move! So the last few hrs of last night were spent gently poking DH to get him to change position, retreating to the far corner of the bed, jamming earplugs deeper into my ears (instead of sugarplums, I was visualizing a nice set of those Bose noise-canceling headphones & wondering if I could possibly sleep in 'em). Ai yi yi, another not-so-restful night.

This morning "getting it over with" - I trudged to the scales like a condemned prisoner to find that my wacky metabolism has taken another roller-coaster swing: UP 4.2 lbs last week, DOWN 4.8 lbs this week (The Phantom Period never showed up, of course)... It's enough to make your head spin! Net loss of 2.0 lbs for my Challenge, but running 1 kg behind schedule (for a 5% loss I calculated I needed to lose 1.4 lbs/wk). S's OK - ANY loss is good; I entered into this Challenge with great skepticism anyway, but even if I only lose 5 lbs (2.5%) I'll be happy w/it. I'm going to just keep doin' what I've been doing: eating sensibly & consistent exercise.

A blog I've been following for some time for general inspiration is Miriam "Princess Dieter":

happyweightafter.blogspo
t.com/

She set herself the sane & sensible goal of peeling off 170 lbs in 2 yrs; to this date she's lost 120 by eating clean while reforming her body w/Pilates (but somehow I still haven't found the time to fit in a few sessions myself).

The rest of my household is up now, so I'd better get on w/the whirlwind of things that still need to be done on this Christmas Eve...Happy Holidays!

Mountains Out of Molehills...

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

...seems to be one of my not-so-hidden talents. My all-too-brief Xmas vacation sojourn w/my boy passed in an eyeblink; he had to go to his dad's yesterday. The court-designated time is noon but in years past we have made the exchange in the AM on the way to work - this year, however, I took a holiday & closed the clinic on Boxing Day (sometimes it's good to be the boss)

Christmas Day came & went & I had heard nothing from Ex; it was worrying me. Silence from that man usually means nothing good. We carried on as usual; picked up one of Z's buddies & took 'em to the movies Christmas evening (the boys saw Mission Improbable but I saw Sherlock Holmes, two thumbs up!). I had worked myself into a lather of apprehension; would the SOB show up on our doorstep Mon morning?!? but I refused to call him - it's not MY job to serve as his social secretary any more. In the end, I turned off phones & we turned in for the night. I took 1/6 of a sleeping pill so I actually slept fairly well!

Ex texted me about 11 o'clock but I didn't see it until almost 11:30... Turned out I had to make an emergency farm call, an errand of mercy to put down an elderly horse who had gone down & couldn't get up, so it was w/complete legitimacy that I replied to Ex, telling him I was near "W", I could swing around & meet him in "Y" when I got free. I even invited him to meet us for lunch (see, I DO remember some things from those hours of family therapy + the mandatory parenting classes we BOTH had to take ;-) ! In the end, as I expected, Ex did NOT join us for lunch, he came by the house & picked Z up a little before 2:30. We were both grateful for those 2.5 extra hrs of family time together - I only wish I hadn't have gotten so stressed out.

BREATHE, MOVE... It's still good advice. We got 2 XBox Kinect games for Xmas: UFC Fighter Trainer & Dance Central. I passed all 4 parts of the trainer fitness test except for push-ups w/A's; it's a good solid workout although the sensor was not picking up all of my (lightning fast) punches! 

Redeeming Myself

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Well I decided to start my New Year off right - like a dedicated endurance rider instead of compliant hostess ;-)

My MIL arrived for her 1st visit in a lil over 2 yrs (she flew to PHX 1st, spent a week w/P's youngest brother, then came to DFW last Wed). Turned out I made absolutely the RIGHT decision, moving out of our downstairs master BR for her... She was diagnosed w/Parkinson's shortly after her last visit here & is growing increasingly frail. She has always been thin, now alarmingly so w/a pretty severe tremor despite medication.

(Trying to upload photo but obviously don't have the hang of it on this iPhone!)

Try try again - here we go:

Z & Granny watching the ice-skaters at the Galleria

I was afraid there would be great controversy about the master BR/guest room upstairs swap but once again it was another one of Val's imaginary mtns. (but you should have heard the caterwauling 6 or 7 yrs ago - P's folks accompanied us on campout; I insisted they take the big bed in motorhome, Z & I slept in bunk & I put P on couch... You'd have thought I was forcing poor darling to sleep out under the stars w/the ponies!)

I felt as if yesterday was my make-up ride for last month's failure... Originally I had registered for back-to-back 25-mi rides (gonna kick back & take it easy! ;-) but then my friend Deb couldn't make it Fri & I decided to be "productive" while racking up my 1st 50-miler of the 2012 season. (25 mi rides are tabulated in their own separate category; they are not considered "true endurance" by many old-timers, like me!)

This ranch puts on a nice event, but obviously the trails are limited: for the 50, one rides a 17-mi loop forward, then backwards, then one more time same as the 1st. I rode Loop 1 at a fairly fast clip w/a couple of friends until my L stirrup self-destructed about 15 mi in... I jiggled along awkwardly on my bouncing Baraq-o-rama for about 1.5 mi, then gave up & dismounted to lead him in (in that horrible deep sand, ugh!) for the last half- mile. Hey, there's MY exercise for the day ;-) ! But hey, I challenge anyone who might think that equestrian sports only exercise the HORSE to come check it out... Today I'm stiff & sore from the nape o' my neck to my sacroiliac - I can FEEL IT when I haven't done any competitive riding in a while! Hell I haven't ridden at ALL since 11/12; that tells you how low my mood has been.

I fell behind after that minor mishap & set out alone on Loop 2 & was soon joined by a slower-riding mother/daughter team whom I've known since my early days in endurance (this will be my 21st season). But about 3 mi from camp, Baraq decided he needed a walking break, so I lost another set of trail buddies. (it was an unseasonably warm 74 degrees yesterday, & most of the ponies had grown their winter coats. It's a miracle we didn't have to treat any metabolic issues.)

We slowed WAY down on that 3rd loop, walking most of it. Baraq was feeling sorely put upon since he HATES to be alone, & I wasn't feeling much better when I ran out of water... I had visions of my friends coming out to search for my desiccated carcass, so we kept moving, especially when we saw the buzzards circling overhead! Didn't hurt that I also tormented myself w/the thought of She Who Shall Not Be Named's delight in my failure (yep, she was there, w/out my Ex & obviously w/out my son).

We stumbled back into camp a little before 5 PM... unfortunately the caterer served spaghetti for dinner, so my New Year's Eve "feast" consisted of sliced turkey + pepper jack cheese, w/a single glass of wine! (honest to God). We tired puppies were in bed by 10 PM.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my Sparkfriends!!!

  

Vitamin Y

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Well I managed to out-drink an incipient headache earlier today... I've read somewhere-or-other than most headaches can be traced to dehydration. (Maybe I shouldn't have had that big ol' iced coffee this AM but WHATEVER) I kept chugging along - drank 10 oz before & after my lunchtime workout to finally escape that uncomfortable squeezing sensation near the base of my skull.

I also reset my ticker to 600 min this month since I easily exceeded last month's goal of 500 min, go me! It's amazing how the habit feeds upon itself & the time seems to multiply, it's like MAGIC!!!

Of course I'm counting the elementary yoga sessions I've been doing each evening - it is really helping work out my residual stiffness & soreness from last weekend's ride, even though I have one last nagging loci of pain in my L sacroiliac. Went by the chiropractor today which was helpful, but I really think I can blame it on the Dropped Stirrup; it really torqued my lower back out of alignment for just the short time I had to rely solely upon my R stirrup for balance. I count it as a big "Win" that I've only taken 2 doses of "Vit I" (ibuprofen) - once on Sun, once on Mon - for this lower back pain of mine. The rest of the time, when it twinges I make a conscious effort to realign my posture, tighten my core, yadda yadda...

I won't say this past week has "flown by" w/my MIL's visit, but it hasn't been too exquisitely awkward & painful ;-) ! I'll tell ya, though, I will never for the life of me understand why visit at all if you're not going to have any conversation? Night after night mother & son sit side-by-side on the couch, each w/their own reading material & MIL possibly working on some knitting - ABSOLUTE SILENCE prevails! On Sun night, I was going stir-crazy - I offered television (no thanks) & fidgeted around until I finally escaped upstairs to do my yoga... What a lifesaver!

The Stand

Friday, January 06, 2012

The one constant in life is change, & the sooner I get on board w/that, the better-off I'll be... Staying stuck in one position, keeping my head in the sand while obstinately trying to hold onto my comfortable lifestyle is NOT working.

I gave my boy a day off from school yesterday so we could escort Granny to the museum: I emailed all his teachers on Wed, they loaded him up w/his homework & all seemed right w/the world. Yesterday was a glorious mild winter day; it seemed that Mother Nature herself was smiling on my decisions - I think a good time was had by all.

I need to focus on those good times when I get into the bad stuff.

During the morning commute, Z needed to finish up a couple of math probs & then checked on a vocabulary project. Uh-oh - he presumed that teacher would give them an extension w/Monday's spelling bee coming up, but no - he had to finish his online worksheets by 4 PM TODAY. He started to panic.

I said, "It's OK, honey, I'll just tell your dad to pick you up at 4 o'clock, you can go to the (school) computer lab & finish it off." & I picked up my phone to do just that. M grumbled a bit but acquiesced... Then Z brought up the fact that school computers are slow, he'd be sure of finishing everything on time if he could just go over to Grandma's (my mom) after school & utilize her high-speed internet.

My brave boy took my phone: "I'll call Dad, I know he won't listen to you Mom." (Sad but true)

A$$hole had Z in tears w/in a couple of minutes - I couldn't stand it, I snatched the phone back & got an earful of my "manipulation" & "undermining behavior", interfering w/The Patriarch's sovereign visitation - bottom line, no, he would NOT allow Z to go to his grandparents' after school, he was just going to have to suck it up & accept the consequences of not planning ahead. Honestly, I did try to reason w/the man - after all, Z hadn't done one G-d-damned thing to deserve punishment, why does M think everything is all about HIM?!? but I finally lost my cool too & had to hang up on him.

I only had a few precious minutes left to try to restore my son's equanimity, release him to school in a better frame of mind, so I gave him a quick pep-rally talk about working better under pressure (just like his mom) & besides it wouldn't be the end of the world, ONE bad grade in Literature - he managed to pull himself together but I continued to boil w/repressed fury at his sire.

I've got no choice, I've GOT to explore Z's legal options. It's not fair for a young man his age to STILL have no say in the way his life is organized. For years we waited for that magical age of "12" only to find that the Great State of Texas has removed that option from the family law code. I may gain nothing more than a better child support settlement if we have to go back to court, but I can't just sit on the sidelines anymore, wringing my hands.

Marking Time

Monday, January 09, 2012

...feels like my modus operandi these days. Friday's fiasco took a lot out of me (always does), & I've spent most of the weekend avoiding reality. Took MIL shopping on Sat, made my last dinner contribution (a great primal stew; I'll post a link) Sat night, sneaked out for a few hrs Sun AM to get in a ride on da mule, saw her off Sun afternoon; we returned home to reclaim our BR & start slogging through the laundry...
(I made my version w/stew meat & let it simmer an extra 25 min - the meat came out slightly tough but the flavors were DELISH! Next time I'm making it in the crock pot.)

thewildwomanproject.word
press.com/2012/01/02/indep
endence-day-soup-and-its-primal/

In my aimless web-surfing, I diagnosed myself w/a dread disease: "F**karounditis"

www.leangains.com/

(Uptight SP wouldn't let me post the direct link, so if you're interested in reading more about this epidemic, you must search from the main website!)

Certainly feels appropriate, since I've frittered away most of my Winter Challenge for a net GAIN of 1 lb! (Down 1.4, up 4.2, down 4.8, up 1.4, down 0.6) Wheeeee, welcome to my metabolism, it's like a friggin' rollercoaster! Although not NEARLY as exciting...
Now I have less than 3 wks to prove that I'm serious about CHANGE - at least where it concerns my body size. Otherwise at the end of Jan I will completely purge my closet of clothes which I'll never wear again (no more wishful thinking) & see about placing my scrawny Arab pony in a more suitable home. (One of my riding buddies thinks he's just the CUTEST thang - just wait till she rides him, she may feel differently ;-)

One bright spot in my current existence? is that She Who Shall Not Be Named failed to complete last weekend's tough 50-mi slog through the sand... Her poor lil' mare went lame. (Another funny story: when I mentioned this to Z, he told me how she has to chase this mare down on the four-wheeler, somehow she doesn't seem to enjoy her work too much! Now mine, OTOH, shove each other aside for the privilege of getting in the trailer & going places w/Momma...What does that tell you about our respective personalities?)

The weather has also done a 180 - from a mild, sunny, beautiful weekend to cold dreary rain today. Another piece of good news is the fact that DH has found a J*O*B; let's hope this contract runs longer than the last one (no offense, honey, I know things are tough all over)!

A Minor Relief

Thursday, January 12, 2012

...for my peace of mind came last night, when I painfully extracted my R foot from my shoe & saw a bruise at the base of my big toe. I honestly don't REMEMBER getting bruised, but what is most likely is that I banged my foot loading ponies in the horse trailer Sun morning, or one of my darlings struck my foot a glancing blow. Guess that's what I get for sneaking away from my hostess duties ;-)

I had taken it as a VERY bad omen when I hit the gym Tues for my 1st official training session for my next half (I'll get to it, don't worry!) & limped through my puny 2 mi half-crippled w/a deep ache centered in that 1st metatarsal joint... My friend Karen & I had just selected a "destination" half in NM for her 1st & my 7th:

nmcentennial.org/events/
new-mexico-texas-challenge
-centennial-marathon/

My Dallas RNR Half falls on 3/25 this year: my sole Z weekend for the month since his dad gets Spring Break, & I'm afraid asking him to train & do it w/me would be a bust just as it was last year (who would have time to train when he's away from home so much?). not to mention K needs a lil' more time to train as well (Who am I kidding? Odds are that she'll leave me panting in her wake, just like my old gym bud Maria, cranking out her 10-min mi but graciously waiting for me.)

Another cyber-friend whose blog I follow for inspiration swears by the Hanson training protocol, but that high mileage on an almost-daily basis would surely ruin my fragile feet. So I'll stick w/my good ol' tried & true RW program, relying on EOD running & probably just squeaking by as usual...

gymnotes.org/2012/01/07/
renewed-promise/#entry

Just look at that mileage! Of course Linda's training for a full marathon, but even the half calls for 6 d/wk running.

I overcame multiple self-destructive urges this morning (& it's barely 11 AM! ;-) to Stay On Plan (fasting until dinnertime today in penance for last night's pizza)... Even turned into the parking lot of my favorite local Tex-Mex but SAVED by the fact that they're no longer open for breakfast - joke's on you! Visited the big-box store, bought some bulk carrots & celery for juicing, came home to make myself a protein shake. I'm scheduled to weigh in Sat for my Winter Challenge but in between, I need to just stay the hell away from those scales! (Example: I only ate 2 slices of pizza last night, SCOUT'S HONOR! but my weight jumped up 1 lb. Yep, I know - sodium & gluten, my metabolic enemies)

I'm saddened when I read about my friends' constant struggles - the naturally thin (my ex-husband, for instance) can never truly understand our grim battle. I've accepted at this point in my life that I likely won't get below my '05 weight @ which I ran my 1st half (my weight was fluctuating between 200 - 205 then; I recall my HORROR at leaving Onederland!), but I'm going to concentrate on HEALTH above all else. The rest will fall into place as it may.

Hard-headedness

Friday, January 13, 2012

I am SO SICK & TIRED of being stuck in the same yo-yo pattern; my metabolic setpoint seems to be so ultra-sensitive that I no longer have the luxury of that fleeting "You look great, how much weight have you lost?" window...

I've been playing fast & loose w/Sisson & Wolf's "80% Rule" ("Get it right 80% of the time") - but if I were brutally honest w/myself, that would likely be closer to 60/40 - i.e. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Those measly two slices of pizza I ate Wed night triggered horrendous cravings which I've mostly avoided - but why oh why do I punish myself by having to resort to these white-knuckle methods?!? IT'S THE CARBS STUPID.

"- the time I spent dallying with carbohydrates over the previous couple of weeks has reinvigorated my long dormant urge to eat even more carbs" - this excerpt from Dr Eades blog, a great post which I would do well to take heed of:

www.proteinpower.com/drm
ike/weight-loss/resolving-
to-diet-in-2012/

I can already tell that gluten does bad things to me: I belch, I fart, I suffer reflux & indigestion. My abdomen is bloated & uncomfortable; my clothes fit poorly. I'm going back to read all of Dr Eades helpful hints in this week's blog to see if anything penetrates my thick skull... I feel as if I could only rack up a few decent days, my improved vitality would give me the impetus to keep the change going. There's light at the end of the tunnel & I must strain to reach it.

Frenemies

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

...should be my new term for those "food" items of dubious nutritional value w/which I continually sabotage myself: the pizza, ice cream, cookies, & chips (i.e. gluten & refined carbs)

Now I must add alcohol to that list - Sat night I had a measly TWO glasses of red wine, not even enough to get a decent buzz on, since I was sipping throughout the evening as we played a board game**. Sun AM I woke up w/that miserable foggy-headed not-quite-a-hangover feeling that dogged me well into the afternoon. SO not worth it!

**It was a Monopoly marathon w/my boy & his friend: Sat night we played our UK version "Cornwall Challenge" (a gift from my MIL; it's like a trip down memory lane for Hubby since the properties represented are real entities in & around his hometown... The problem is it drags on interminably; we generally call a halt when we get bored & whomever has the most assets wins - in this case Z's friend Josef!)

boardgamegeek.com/boardg
ame/19405/cornwall-challenge

Sun AM around the breakfast table, Z bragged that he would have beaten us all at REGULAR Monopoly, so what else could I do? We set up our "Indiana Jones" Monopoly & played until we were too late to make it to church (oops)... I acquired the high-rent properties which are the equiv of Broadway & Park Place & bankrupted Josef & my hubby; Z & I finished the rest of our game that evening. (Yes, Mom finally won & I'm sorry to say the boys were MUCH better sports about losing than my husband!)

boardgamegeek.com/boardg
ame/35254/monopoly-indiana
-jones

Somewhere we also have the "Nintendo" edition of Monopoly & my parents still have an original 1952 edition; it's well-worn but might be worth something to a serious collector?

Of course it's easier to babble on about distractions like this, than focusing on my self-destructive impulses. Today I'm hydrating myself past an MSG headache (my boy requested Panda Express last night but I should have made a better choice for myself), & I've set up a Longhorn beef pot roast for tonight's dinner... The more reading I do, I'm convinced that I need to just STAY AWAY from restaurant food. Big duh.

Shame & Humiliation

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Everything was going SWIMMINGLY on my 2-mi "easy run" on gym TM this AM (yes, on Thurs - my day off - I can actually work out in the MORNING as most experts recommend).
Then, with only 2 min left to go, an overwhelming urge to empty my bladder hit me; I had to jump off & walk stiffly to the bathroom. Yes, Virginia, there was major leakage involved.

I can't quite figure it out - was it my iced coffee? Damn, I hate to give up that minor luxury. Really nothing else varied from the norm. A similar episode happened to me several yrs ago when I was out on the Kiest Park trail; I had to scurry into the bushes. I blamed that episode on over-hydration... I'm generally careful to void before my workout (which I had done today), so go figure.

So now I'm soaking in a warm bath, getting ready to wash gym clothes w/lots o'bleach... No harm done except to my fragile psyche ;-)

& Jenn, my program is a Runner's World training app for the iPhone, very simple & straightforward. I bet you can access it thru their website too. You enter your pace & calculate # of weeks until your event (the app goes up to 16 wks out) & it lays out a nice neat schedule for ya. 89 d out for me now!

Never Hurry, Never Tarry

 ...was the indomitable Matthew Mackay-Smith's advice for "getting 'er done" in endurance - but of course I MUST hurry if I want to save any significant number of my old (invaluable, ha ha!) blog posts.

24 Days

Friday, July 01, 2011

"Date Night w/Myself" yesterday...

I came to the realization w/a jolt that for all intensive purposes, I am a single person for the next 6 mos as Hubs will be a weekend date at best.

(I may be slow but I do catch on eventually)

I was slightly perturbed when he told me last week that he wouldn't be home for this 4th of July weekend - of course it makes perfect sense, starting the New Job & all - he's trying to settle in, get his lil' home-away-from-home organized, scout out his routine...

But why did he wait to break the news to me until the day before I left for my MO ride last week (Wed, when he was leaving on Fri). Ah well, the challenges of marital communication, eh ;-) ?

Yesterday was spent making small increments of progress towards preparations for my big NM expedition: went to town to get new tires on horse trailer (we had TWO flats last weekend; changing tires is NOT my idea of a good time!), filled up the propane cylinders, went by feed store while I had trailer hitched to load hay bales directly onto rack (hey, I ain't as dumb as I look!)

But I guess I AM as dumb as I ACT... still must learn to eat before I get headachy & ravenous - normal appetite is NOT a character flaw! After parking the trailer, I schlepped across town for my long-awaited, twice-rescheduled appt w/sports medicine podiatrist... When I finally made it there, I walked into a completely packed house - there was not even a place for me to sit!

To me this speaks of more than simple overbooking - I was not impressed. I always do my best not to keep my own clients waiting - apologizing profusely if it's more than a few min past their scheduled appt time. Everything in my head was screaming No, no, no! so I carefully backed out of there... My foot has been feeling better, whether that's simply bcz I haven't been running on it, or my intermittent exercise regimen for flat feet is actually doing some good? It's hard to say - but I didn't feel like wasting 2 hrs of MY precious time just to get a pat on the head +/- a prescription for new orthotics.

So I took advantage of this opportunity to shop a little: Half-Price Books & a couple of other places to browse, wound up at the taco shop my friends & I went to Mon night... Felt like "Date Night" w/myself - really odd NOT to be in a time crunch, loitering w/HP4 (Goblet of Fire; couldn't find my original copy so I bought a "new used" volume at Half Price), then trailing home to watch the movie! (in my opinion Goblet of Fire is the best HP movie of the bunch)

Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend - I'll be leisurely packing up for my trip, taking my time in this blast-furnace heat!

20 Days

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

"Speak calmly with your demons. Don’t provoke them. The most radical act you can perform in terms of being contrary to the destructive processes of this decadent culture is to sit still on a cushion. Give money to bums. Talk to animals. Listen to children. Keep only a few intimate friends."

I can't even remember where I snagged this quote in my aimless surfing; it just spoke to me!

This has been a weird holiday weekend, me all by my lonesome... I vacillated between staying up too late in second-teenage-hood rebellion, then needing a long nap the next day!

I should be taking advantage of my solitude this month (Z at his father's, P away at his new job) to organize this squalor & make my abode a fit human habitat, instead of once again packing up & hauling off to Ft Stanton in what may likely be another futile quest to complete all 6 d of this daunting ride.

(It just seemed a good omen, since I already had this exact week scheduled off in what might instead have been my 2nd Tevis attempt)

My boy has sounded somewhat brighter these past couple of days, since he's looking forward to their Washington DC trip - I believe they leave Thurs (that reminds me, Ex promised an itinerary which I have yet to see). Believe it or not, this is the FIRST time in 13 yrs that Ex has taken his son on any sort of family vacation. Let's hope it's a good memory for him.

10 Days

Friday, July 15, 2011

I utter a small ironic laugh to myself - serves me right for sneering at my friend Deb for not bring able to uncouple herself from her social media while we're supposed to be on vacation in central NM...

Look at what I've done - the same thing: drive into town to hook up to WiFi & put up a post instead of staying in camp w/what feels like false sympathy from my other so-called friends...

Are they too thick to realize that Chihuahuas can't roam around horse camp freely like the big dogs?!?!? My puppies escaped the trailer while I was out on trail... I can debate endlessly whether this tragedy is the combined result of Deb failing to latch the screen door properly (I always double-check) her stupid dog driving them away from the relative safety of their trailer (he was on a tie line outside), or as I mentioned above, my other friends unconcern (they did "try" to catch 'em, but gave up) - the bottom line is that Princess's life was always in MY hands.

I failed her - she tried to cross the road to find me on the trail, was struck by some a$$hole who never even slowed down, & blessedly was killed instantly.
Now for the first time, I am NOT looking forward to getting my son back home; how on earth am I going to break this news to him??

Poor Buddy is trying very hard, staying snuggled up to me, but he's got impossibly sweet "shoes" to fill. Please know Momma loved you, my darling.

9 Days

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Well I woke up this AM after another damnnedly poor night's rest (I won't even call it "sleep" since it was more like a series of short naps!) to find that unfortunately it was NOT all a nightmare; my baby girl is still dead...

I came back from my self-imposed exile last night to find silk flowers for Princess's grave, a precious lil' plaque, & a sympathy card signed by everyone.

It helps dull the pain a little bit. Bud & I hiked up to place the flowers on her grave early this AM. Doing laundry in town right now, but when Deb & Al are finished riding this PM, we'll give the ponies some rest time before packing it up to drive home. Wish I had the stamina to drive straight through (12 hrs), but probably will have to stop somewhere. Feeling very old & tired.

Momma misses you so much, my sweet baby girl.

8 Days

Sunday, July 17, 2011

(Why is this posting the wrong date? both on my computer & my watch, it's 11:14 PM SUNDAY night!?!?!)

aka "The Perfect Storm"

I do not tend to be a weeper, but I'll have to admit I cried on both occasions when I read the book, & later when I saw the movie (although as usual the book was vastly superior).

I drove myself harder than I would ever drive one of my own mules yesterday: by the time Deb finished her ride (needless to say I did not saddle up Saturday morning after Friday's tragedy), I had us all packed up. As soon as she had a chance to shower off, we loaded the ponies & I drove us all the way home. I was hoping that if I completely exhausted myself (we arrived at 3:15 AM), I might be granted some dreamless sleep. It seemed to work.

I slept from 4 AM to a little past 9, far better than Friday night, when I spent one of my most miserable nights ever, filled w/guilt & recriminations over my baby girl. I don't know what Perfect Storm aligned to steal my precious lil' puppy from me before she'd even reached 5 yrs of age. A bad job of latching the screen door (again & again I visualized myself simply turning to close the main door as I left, a solid barricade), Deb's neurotic terrier driving them away from the trailer, Princess setting out to find me...

But I kept coming back again & again to the true conundrum: with the elaborate communication system set up by Roger (the ride manager) to assure our ability to hold our ride on BLM property which would otherwise have been closed due to the extreme fire hazard, why did no one try to get word to ME, out on trail???

There were multiple checkpoints staffed by ham-radio volunteers; Roger also required those who ride w/their cell phones to register w/the office. (I don't ride w/my phone - I ride to get AWAY from technology!) But my friend Deb had her phone, so did her stepdad Al. Everyone knew those were my Chihuahuas (I'd taken Princess every year of her short life), & if I had known they were loose in camp, I would have abandoned my ride & rushed back to camp by the shortest route possible, as fast as my mule could travel...

I replayed the sequence in my mind - sometimes I saved her, sometimes I came over the crest of the hill just in time to see her struck down. Pointless fantasy, I know.

Today I've been basically worthless, stumbling around to do some minor unpacking & laundry, escorting Deb to town for brunch, trying to send her on her way gracefully as she thanked me for "a wonderful trip" (oh yeah, absolutely wonderful except for the minor detail of having half my lap empty for the trip home). The whole reason I caravan out to NM is for peace & quiet & glorious SOLITUDE.

I got none of that on this trip: between junior-high drama during the week between Deb & a couple of her other friends (extending into our commute home as they texted back & forth), dealing w/her neurotic dog & culminating in the tragic loss of my darling Princess, all I could think of last night as I chugged coffee & pressed a little harder on the accelerator was how desperate I was to GET HOME & get free of her. Ungracious of me, I know. Some friend I am.

5 Days

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

aka "Autointoxication" - in other words: "It's the Sugar, Stupid"

This AM, I find another cheery email from SP in my inbox: "Are You Ready to Change Your Lifestyle"?

In my case that answer seems to be "No" based on my constant persistence in eating things that make me feel like crap! For many months now, I'm suspicious of gluten sensitivity - but an even more likely culprit appears to be simple carbs/sugar...

I'm trying to commit to ONE SINGLE DAY of adhering to my paleo/primal principles - I've read so many accounts of people noticing vast improvements after one solitary day of giving up the processed junk... But once again this morning, I dallied too long at my home PC, did NOT prepare my protein shakes or the fried eggs I had planned, and rushed out the door to grab one of Jack's breakfast sandwiches. (At least I removed half of the bun)

But the fact of the matter is, if I don't peel off 10% at the very least, I need to put poor lil' Baraq on the market. I made his back sore after only two short days in the hills of NM - he's got the best endurance saddle money can buy, so it's not a saddle-fit issue, it's pure physics! Those weight-distribution panels can only do so much.

My boy had a hopeful note in his voice last night ("Only 5 more days, Mom!") - there again, as much as I'm looking forward to getting him home, I quail & cringe away from the grief-filled scene when I must tell him where his sweet puppy is...

Monday, Monday

Monday, July 25, 2011

(My little timeline was disrupted - ALL FOR THE GOOD - when Ex for once decided to Play Fair, & let me get my boy back yesterday instead of today)

No time to dive into that now, just posting a little tidbit I came across:

"Be honest. This is exactly what you want. You want to keep doing exactly what you are doing (which is nothing) and get all the rewards of great health.

But if you are not prepared to make whole sale (sic) changes then forget about any chance of transforming your body. You can’t get something for nothing. If you aren’t prepared to…

give up fast food
get up 30 minutes earlier so you can eat a proper breakfast
get 8 or 9 hours of sleep
cut out processed foods from your diet
give up foods you love (but are killing you)
commit to an exercise program that actually works

then you aren’t emotionally or psychologically prepared for this journey and you are once again doomed for failure."

My boy babbled to me nonstop about his New Improved Nutritional Plan last night when we made a quickie shopping trip & he stocked up on healthy snacks like Greek yogurt, sliced turkey, a few canned soups & couscous for variety...

Perhaps I should just follow my 13-yr old's advice - it was certainly music to my ears when I heard him this morning, singing the praises of "It's so great to open the refrigerator & see foods that I LIKE!!!"

Snape's Tears

Sunday, July 31, 2011

(spoiler alert: a melancholy combo of movie review & memoir)

I was pleasantly surprised when Z consented to go see HP 7: DH-2 w/me last night... After waiting breathlessly for him to get home, he talked me into taking him to see "Horrible Bosses" instead (which was quite amusing; earning its "R" for foul language - a running joke about why one character was nicknamed "MF" made the mom part of me cringe while the teenager in me laughed!).

Anyway, once again the (HP) movie was not quite as good as the book, although an entertaining spectacle. (Had me thinking that they should have done the entire series as two-parters; I'm certain they shot enough movie footage to do it, & die-hard HP fans would have gladly paid two admissions) The battle for Hogwarts was amazing, even as I cringed as first Harry, then Ron & Hermione attempted to kill Nagini w/basilisk fangs. (I whispered fiercely to myself: "It's GOT to be Neville!")

But the one part in which I thought the movie surpassed the novel was when Harry collected Snape's tears for the Pensieve instead of the mists of his memories. It made sense that they were more concentrated, wielding more emotional impact & power of expression in brief intense segments of memory. I wept last night as I do now, when Snape conjured his Patronus & whispered "Always", and when he gathered Lily Potter's body in his arms (again, a nice touch)...

(Of course, Alan Rickman is an amazing actor; he could demonstrate emotional range reading the phone book - that old-fashioned bound volume that still exists in these days of the Internet.)

Of course I was also crying over my baby girl, because I'd do almost anything if I could only get my hands on a Time-Turner or better yet, the Resurrection Stone! Z was mocking me for my tears, but when I explained myself as we walked to the car, he choked up too. Quite seriously, he explained that I wouldn't WANT to use the Resurrection Stone bcz I would just be conjuring up a lil' zombie dog.

"Well, darling, I know she'd be a SWEET little zombie!"

(I also cried when Will Smith had to strangle his zombie-Shepard in "I Am Legend", but in general I am NOT a big weeper, in or out of the cinema!)

I didn't bother to explain the complicated time-travel negotiations I've been obsessed with - if only if only if only... I've always loved those sorts of quirky sci-fi stories, & now I'm paying the price.

I don't know if I can write it off this way, but I am slowly convincing myself that the low-grade alarm I felt from my Diagnostic Sense ever since we brought Princess home (oh, was I a nervous wreck when Princess was an even tinier puppy!) was my own precognition that my baby girl would not live a long life (I started to type "& happy" but dammit, she WAS happy! I've gotten a stack of sympathy cards w/several mentions of what a sweet & happy dog she was, how well taken care of she was, & how much everyone loved her. She was the best ambassador for the Chihuahua breed you've ever seen.)

I felt oddly cleansed & lighter in spirit, as you often do after a good cry. But my oh my, Momma still misses her baby girl.

The Last Straw

Monday, August 08, 2011

Back at work today, being semi-productive...

Lord only knows how much I could accomplish, if only I would quit sabotaging myself!

I wanted to whip out some snazzy entry about my rejuvenated resolve & sense of purpose after a humiliating incident on our river-rafting expedition (full explanation to follow in next post), but am hobbled by another crippling episode of grief from a new source: oops I did it again!

This time I lost our bird.

It's been such an impressive "trick", leaving Mango (our Goffin cockatoo) fully-flighted: she would return when called just like a hawk... Of course in my household, I decided it would be MORE dangerous to trim her wings, since she might need to escape a cat or dog! But last night at dusk, I was attempting to multitask - bringing Mango up from the "pet shed" (where her big cage is & she spends most days), locking up the chickens & letting the new dogs (Catahoula mix & German shepard pup) out of their temporary confinement in the horse trailer until they learn not to chase chickens!

Blue (the Catahoula) startled Mango & she took off in an explosive high-speed burst of flight, getting into the deep darkening woods below the pond... By the time I corralled the dogs again (they were happy to have their freedom & didn't understand why it was being so soon revoked), it was too dark for her to see her way back. We called back & forth quite a bit ("Mango!" "Squawk!" etc) as I tried to echo-locate her, but it was soon too dark for me to plunge into the briar-laced underbrush.

I made an executive decision to leave her where she seemed to be safe, high in one of the big oaks overnight, & arise at the crack of dawn to call her safely home.

I slept poorly (no duh!) & went out this morning to... Silence (from Mango; of course other birds were racketing about; the rooster was crowing , the ducks were gabbling & the donkeys were braying for their breakfast). My boy went out later when he arose & likewise could hear no sign of her.

My heart is heavy; if only I had done ONE THING AT A TIME last night, I wouldn't have lost another beloved family pet.

The Rest of the Story

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

...I know I promised a recap of our vacation!

Yellowstone territory was absolutely beautiful, but we learned the hard way that it's best to encamp closer to the park. (We were 90 mi out; my mom found a great deal on a hotel in Idaho Falls which was very nice but too long a drive!)

By Friday my elderly parents (Dad is 82, Mom will soon be 80) were too worn out from driving so they elected to hang out at our hotel while Z & I caravaned up to the N entry of the park (Gardiner, MT) for a short white-water rafting trip...

It was cool & cloudy when we arrived, so when a few rainclouds drizzled on us, the outfitters issued wetsuits - thank goodness they had dressing rooms so no one was subjected to the ordeal of watching me stuff myself into a longjohn! (Note to self: pack shortie wetsuit for next expedition)

By the time I was suited up & strapped into my lifejacket, I could barely move, but we had to march down a narrow trail - probably a 200-yd descent to get to the river. I was regretting putting on the wetsuit - already sweating! (although I appreciated it later on - the Yellowstone River was FRIGID!) I was also carrying a 1-liter water bottle (as suggested) for both Z & I, although no one else was "packing" (maybe they were going to drink from the river if they got thirsty ;-).

I stumbled on a loose rock at the riverbank's edge & went down on my back like a turtle... Fortunately one of the guides came over to help me up - I was too close to the rushing current, didn't want to drop my oar or the water bottle! (dumb a$$ litterbug) I made some lame joke about being "like the Stay-Puft marshmellow man". I guess I hid my mortification well, & Z didn't seem too terribly embarrassed...

On Thurs I bought Z a tandem hang-glider ride; he claims it was "the most fun he's ever had in his whole life"! But they have a 200-lb weight limit; I'll have to peel off a few more lbs before I can try it myself.

Of course there were dude ranches EVERYWHERE, scattered throughout SE Idaho, Wyoming, & Montana, but I couldn't justify renting plugs when it would be so much more meaningful to ride our OWN ponies through that gorgeous territory. No matter which way I sliced it, it's a solid 24-hr haul = 2 days' driving, each way. Maybe next year?

A Handful of Dust

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I don't WANT to get so bogged down in my grief that I forget these scattered jewels of my single-mom life (yes, I know I'm remarried, but when P is on the road so much, that leaves me for all practical purposes, a single mom!):

First week back to school, bittersweet as my Big Boy enters his last year (8th grade) in the sheltered environment of St E's... Over the years, I have lamented the great bleeding chunks of Z's childhood which have been ripped away from me; I counted down this 23-d precious chunk of uninterrupted time w/him like a miser (guess only those who likewise have been through a custody battle or suffered the travails of divorce would understand...)

Neither my childless nor "mommy" friends seem to comprehend why I DON'T relish these periods of non-custodial freedom: it isn't that I don't appreciate the "time off", it's that it is FORCED upon me! Nevertheless, if there were more room for compromise & negotiation w/my ex, it would undoubtedly be better...

Anyway, back to school also meant back to the standard visitation schedule; this does not obscure my quiet joy when I got my boy home last night & he sidled over onto my LAP to show me the latest features he'd added to his Warhammer model! All 5'6" & 115 lbs of him... He's only 2" shorter than me now, but I'll hold him as long as he'll let me!

I kissed his broadening shoulders & sniffed back the tears in my eyes before he could turn around & see 'em. My angel. Maybe I've done a few things right after all.

TGIF (Not)

Friday, August 26, 2011

One of the first things I should do, if I were a person of integrity, is APOLOGIZE to my DH! Because the bottom-line is, HE'S not to blame for the miserable quality of my sleep... (he's been out of town for the past 9 wks, w/only a couple of brief weekend "conjugal visits", yet I continue to toss n' turn, dragging my poor aching carcass out of bed each morning **ALMOST** as exhausted as when I collapsed the prior evening)

I was only up once @ 2:40 AM to empty the weak bladder, but once again my internal alarm clock awoke me almost precisely 1 hr before my scheduled alarm, despite 6 mg of doxylamine - that's only 1/4 tab of Unisom! but I remain logy, dull & depressed this AM as my mind turns longingly towards my latest addiction: a big creamy cup of iced coffee procured from the local gas station!

I need to cut that sh!t out if I'm the least bit serious about safeguarding the health of my liver or any other part of this mortal frame, the only model I'll ever be blessed to own! (I've contemplated the theory of reincarnation a few times in my brief forays into Eastern philosophy but nah, can't buy into that!) & now in 13 short days, I'll be climbing onto my doctor's scales to demonstrate - ho-hum - that I've stayed EXACTLY THE SAME! Hey, at least I'm consistent ;-) !

I keep on thinking that the latest episode of disgust/humiliation (a few unflattering photographs here, crash-landing on the edge of a riverbank there) will provide me w/that rock-bottom foundation of motivation, but again & again I find myself taking the easy way out: stopping for fast food, using the excuse of buying my (skinny) son a treat to swing by DQ & get something for myself. Until the day that poor Baraq's lil' legs literally collapse under your weight (& you then have NOTHING to ride competitively), it seems that my path remains unchanged...

Hate It When That Happens...

Saturday, August 27, 2011

...if nothing else, I am a compulsive PLANNER, so I absolutely HATE IT when even my casually-laid plans go awry!

My boy was up this AM @ 7:15, ready to roll up N to meet up w/his Warhammer buddies:

"Honey, the mall doesn't open until 10 AM!" (I was really hoping he would sleep in, at least until 8, so I would have a few precious moments of peace n' quiet to check my email & contemplate my day.)

Obviously that wasn't to be, & when I DID log on after feeding the ponies, I find a charming email from Ex: (backstory: Z decided he wants to go back to our old visitation schedule, which used to be Mon nights. However when he called his dad last Wed night to inform him, M said Not this week! otherwise he would MISS OUT on "HIS" night! So in other words, M's usual power trip.)

"Hi Val,

What do you have in mind with your proposal to switch our weekday visitation to Monday? Z mentioned restarting Karate on Mon and Wed. If we move to Mon I'm wondering whether we'll end up back where were.

Let me know your thoughts.

Thanks"

I replied (trying to stay calm & reasonable; I even kept my mouth shut after the Wed-night fiasco - as badly as I wanted to jump to Z's defense. If M is actively working on ways to further damage his relationship w/his son, he couldn't go much better than to constantly negate Z's wishes like this):

"Zach wants to go back to Monday-night visitation... We have talked & talked about going back to Ms Kristy's (Z's old tae kwon do school), but he wants to try someplace new. We may visit one this afternoon that offers Krav Maga** & jui-jitsu. Their schedule would be geared more towards Tues/Thurs.

I'll send you some photos if we go today

www.kravmagadfw.com/

Talk to you later,

Val"

**KT, this would probably be right up your (kickboxing-style) alley ;-) !

No reply yet - but what do I expect, it's only been 3 hrs! So I showered & dressed & drove my son to the mall - receiving one more piece of bad news along the way, which is that my mom didn't want to come w/us after all. It would have been a nice change of pace for her, but we'll stop in & see her this afternoon.

Meanwhile I can visit the gym & meditate upon my prospects for another half-marathon... W/Hubby's new schedule, there's no way I can make a Sun-night run in Vegas work (RNR Half 12/4), but we **could** stay at the snazzy new Dallas Convention Ctr Hotel & catch a shuttle to our local White Rock half (scheduled for that same Sun, but of course in the morning).

One thing that has always bugged me about the big events I've done, are the tremendous traffic jams - here we all are, trying to improve our health, maybe even go green & save the planet - yet last March I sat in an early morning crunch w/thousands of other runners for almost an hour, barely catching the shuttle to make it to the starting corral on time! There's GOT to be a better way!

Weenie

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

We arrived at the Krav Maga place 20 min early to find a handful of yoga students going through their asanas... (I would dearly love to attend regular yoga classes SOMEWHERE, but could not realistically expect to make a 6 PM class on Tues night; more on that later!**)

My friend Lisa had asked us to pick up HER boy, Z's friend/classmate Eric, so I brought him along - she's had a lot of turmoil in her life, just getting her mom out of the hospital & all... I had originally planned to suit up & serve as Z's sparring partner, but offered this role to Eric instead. He was a little shy, but went ahead, suited up & got out there w/a little encouragement from Mr Jack, the older-gentleman instructor.

This place was about the same size as Z's former tae kwon do academy, but had only 10 - 12 students vs the 25 - 30 which would commonly crowd Ms Kristy's mats. (A confounding variable when Z quit Ms Kristy's was overcrowding as well as the "little 'uns" who really should have had their own separate class - but Ms Kristy lacked both the space as well as the extra teaching staff.)

Z thoroughly enjoyed himself as did Eric (I already threw out the offer to Lisa, that I would be happy to bring Eric to the Tues/Thurs classes if she could pick him up); as we went over the "fine print" I was pleasantly surprised to see that it would cost $28 less per month than Ms Kristy's. I am tempted to sign on myself since they offer a 30% discount on additional family members: attending 2X weekly w/Z would drop our individual per-class costs from just under $14 to a little over $11 (yeah I realize I would still be spending $22/session but the prospect of not laying out all that additional capital for tournament fees, private lessons, extra uniforms & the like makes me feel flush!).

(I really can't dwell too much on how much those shiny trophies culminating w/Z's 1st-place State weapons champion jacket really cost me, or I'd get sick at my stomach - then again, it'd be a good appetite suppressant wouldn't it?)


But what I DO worry about is A.) first & foremost, whether my creaky ol' knees could tolerate all the mat work - in Krav Maga they seem to do A LOT of practice falls, takedowns & the like! as well as B.) would Z be embarrassed by his mom? I certainly wouldn't want to impede his progress, but then again it might be a golden opportunity for us to share a few more mos of "Mommy & Me" Quality Time before Z really DOES grow into a full-fledged teenager!

Time for more Deep Thought... I asked Z who was, of course, noncommittal (he wanted Mom to sign him up so I'm sure didn't want to slow my check-writing hand!) We'll talk more about it over the next week or so - I'm sure Mr Jack would be glad to add me on anytime before next month's automated payments kick in!

(KT, I wish to hell you lived closer ;-) I think it would be Big Fun to take these classes w/a GF, but it ain't Lisa's cup o' tea!

**there's also a 6 PM Thurs-night Power Yoga class, which would give me back a tiny slice of Me Time before the 7 PM KM class, but what to do w/my boy? Perhaps I can persuade him that yoga is not "gay"!!??!!

Sick Daze

Saturday, September 03, 2011

It was interesting from a clinical perspective to watch the progression of my symptoms: I woke up for my usual 3 AM pee-pee call w/a sore throat (sinus drainage)...

Over the course of the day, my sinuses drained freely: early on, I was blowing out clear mucus, but it gradually turned cloudy & nasty yellowish-green by the end of the day, while the pressure in my sinuses slowly built up to head-splitting levels. But I managed to crank out 30 min on the elliptical at lunchtime (luckily I had NO appetite, but bought a cheeseburger which I removed from the bun, just because I thought my body needed the protein!). For this I was rewarded w/horrendous indigestion (was it the beef? the cheese? or the condiments?? or maybe just That Wretched Phlegm draining down the back of my throat!)

Unfortunately The Boss does not GET sick days, so I suffered through the rest of my afternoon appointments (fortunately there were a couple of cancellations) & stumbled home to collapse while I waited for sinus meds to take effect...

I also prescribed myself a short round of antibiotics (doctor, heal thyself, etc etc).

Pressure & drainage already lessening today, so hopefully I'll be past the worst of this manana... I've got horses to train!

Momma's Little Helper

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

I can't blame my attack of sinusitis on being less-than-enthusiastic about returning to work this AM... (How's that go: "I Can Do Bad All By Myself"?!?)

However, w/dedicated use of my invaluable Neti pot, I believe I hastened my recovery; today I have a minor sore throat/nagging cough, nowhere NEAR as bad as things have gotten in the past, when I would struggle for several days w/copious drainage, unrelenting cough/sore throat/stuffed-up head/etc etc...

www.webmd.com/allergies/
sinus-pain-pressure-9/neti
-pots

In my constant quest to do things "Better, Stronger, Faster!", I use this 60cc syringe to expedite the process:

www.naturalhealthyconcep
ts.com/nasaline-irrigation
.html

I can get it all done in about 3 min - there again, if I practiced this faithfully EVERY day, I might never be troubled by sinusitis again! but it's easy to fall out of the habit...

A habit I wish I COULD break is that of digging out the scales from my closet, & tormenting myself by climbing on 'em! Nothing has changed - & while I am grateful to more eloquent bloggers like 4EVERDONEGIRL for her recent elucidation of being comfortable w/"the lifestyle": I believe I have made great strides in improving my health over these past couple of years, if nothing else than re-establishing my regular routine of EXERCISE... I don't seem to be willing to make any more serious changes to dietary habits - the sacrifices necessary to get back to onederland!

I also picked up a thought-provoking book this weekend: "Wheat Belly" by Dr William Davis

www.amazon.com/Wheat-Bel
ly-Lose-Weight-Health/dp/1
609611543

This is only Day 3 of my wheat-free experiment (again, far from perfect since I celebrated a visit w/an old friend & her new baby w/a slice of lemon meringue pie), but this at least may be a lifestyle change I can accommodate...

The Holy Grail

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Hmmm, been a relatively long time by my standards, hasn't it Sparkfriends???

Basically I've been too bummed out - when nothing has changed & I seem to have nothing worthwhile to report... Still teetering at the upper edge of my High Plateau; disappointed to weigh in w/my endocrinologist this month to see that I'm EXACTLY THE SAME - after how many miles logged, how many hrs at the gym???

Of course I know full well, it's not JUST the gym, it's the whole nutritional picture, so to that end I logged on to a "Free!! Webinar!!!" last week w/a group I had come across on FB called "EET", for Eating & Exercise Timing...

eetfit.com/

No great revelations there - it's no surprise that any plan will work - that is, if YOU work the plan!!! I'll post more later from my hastily-scribbled notes, but the bottom line seemed to be that it was the SUPPORT that made the difference between long-term success & regression...

Last week I bought myself a new cookbook: "Everyday Paleo" - believe it or not, I do enjoy cooking although I rarely practice as much as I should... Got my mom on board w/at least planning on home-cooked meals on Tues/Thurs evenings before Z goes to martial arts practice - maybe this will finally morph into change I can believe in?!?

(& speaking of home-cooked meals, I've got to go put the finishing touches on today's Sunday lunch - Z & I made a huge batch of organic, free-range meatballs yesterday which I delivered to mom's in the Crockpot, all she had to do was plug it in & turn it on this AM. Smells great! I'll post a link to my nifty new cookbook later ;-)

"SWMMing" Upstream

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Of course I had some scrap paper lying around when I was listening in on the EET Webinar last week... Didn't take exhaustive notes, but did jot down what I thought were the pertinent ones:

A catchy phrase bandied about was the concept of continuing to "SWMM":

Support
Written goals & plans
Menus/predefined portions
Manage expectations

One of the main concepts he wanted to hammer home was that the main differences between success & failure was one's SUPPORT system, shored up by a solid set of goals.

Very important not to be unrealistic; 5% is a reasonable stepping stone in goal setting.

I loved what Jon termed the "check mark from hell diets": rigid, uncompromising plans which made it too easy to fall off that dietary wagon, not making allowances for ordinary missteps & foibles... (I know in my own case, trying to adhere to too-strict a plan or implementing too many changes at once is a sure way to trigger my rebellion. No more chocolate, no movie popcorn?? Ya gotta be kidding!)

He cataloged these elements of success:

1.) manage expectations
2.) frequent weigh-ins
3.) invest $$ in the SWMM steps (hmm, w/a program like EET, no doubt?)
4.) journaling (a great one for me, even if I seem to be getting nowhere)
5.) knowledge (the one point I disagreed w/him on was the necessity of a low-FAT diet; all of my research seems to be channeling me towards the low-carb/primal or paleo path)

He also spoke of how "triggering" life events (i.e. one's springboard for change) tended to be medically-based for men, but emotionally-based for women. Whatever, dude. My own stated goal is to reduce the workload on my beloved equines, but of course there's a large degree of vanity - a "look better naked" concept involved as well.

Looks like I'm destined to be the poster child for "Fat but Fit" since I'm likely in better cardiovascular shape than I was 20 yrs ago - maybe not quite as good as when I was still in college, adhering to a rigid diet of 1300 - 1400 cal/day & running 3 mi daily...

That's obviously not going to work for me nowadays. I almost remounted the treadmill today to make it "3 in a row", but opted for the elliptical instead. Mildly pissed at myself - missed early entrance deadline for the White Rock Half which will cost me an extra $15. Of course that's pocket change compared to the cost of flying out to Vegas, but we just can't justify that kind of expense when P's long-term employment is in doubt. (Hopefully his best Xmas gift of all this year will be a contract extension - but P's already said, they only extend this in 6-mon increments, the ba$tards!) Ah, welcome to grownupland - life was MUCH simpler when all we had to keep up w/was our class schedules & wondering who was going to host that weekend's potluck dinner!

The Title is the Hardest Part

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

I percolate along through my daily tasks, thinking up clever titles for my next blog post...

("Try HARDER!" echoes from the peanut gallery - thanks a lot, guys. I knew I could count on ya!)

The next contender was "Everything's Endocrine", cobbled together loosely from two sources:

A.) A Stephen King short story collection, "Everything's Eventual" (Yes, I am an inveterate SK fan; look past the horror & appreciate the character development, m'kay? ;-)

B.) Wonderful post from another awesome blog I follow, "Deb's Just Maintaining" - a woman who has maintained her 70-lb weight loss through diligent effort:

justmaintaining.com/2010
/12/16/it%e2%80%99s-all-en
docrine/

I have felt exactly like a loosely-bound sack o' hormones here lately: my emotional lability coupled w/PMS & chronic fatigue (insert acronym here) equals disastrous consequences for current mood & affect... Sabotaged my Weekend Away at last weekend's state veterinary conference by tumbling off my son's tall mule last Thurs - while I'm glad I had just gotten my new riding helmet in & strapped it to my noggin, I'm lucky I didn't break my damned collarbone! I landed mostly on L shoulder & hip, but raised a tremendous bruise over the collarbone, leading to several miserable nights & continued inability to sleep comfortably on my preferred L side. (So much for a restful weekend in a plush San Antonio hotel)

This setback makes me doubt my ability to do ANYTHING: ride properly, run my personal life OR my business, let alone continue on my puny training schedule to do my next half-marathon... I'm so far behind, it seems useless to even TRY to catch up!

Not to mention it's hard to justify the expense when I also notice that I made another miscalculation - at current consumption rates, my ponies will be out of hay by DECEMBER (still no rain around here; my pasture is a dessicated lunar landscape), so that will mean another substantial investment in forage... I really can't justify any frivolous expenditures - $100 for another medal to string up w/my other ones?!? That's eleven bales, 5 & a half day's rations!

I'd be better off just getting back on schedule & doing the training for its own sake...

Bittersweet

Friday, October 07, 2011

My boy distracted himself this AM w/a nonsensical video game** on the iPad; we were all talked out...

**monkeys w/laser vision, destroying balloons? but I'll have to admit it had catchy music; I'm still humming it to myself this AM as I get busy at work...

What more was there to say? He was dreading "two in a row" (5th weekend of Sept followed by 1st weekend of Oct - we count 'em by FRIDAYS) at his father's & no suggestion of mine was helping... Flat out telling his dad he didn't want to come - Z has a stronger sense of self-preservation than THAT! Offering to split the weekend, not go until Sat? Talk to Aunt Linda (M's sister, prob one of the few people on this earth who can have a POSITIVE influence on him) - hell, she's practicing family law now, so she ought to have some empathy for her nephew's plight, nevermind the self-righteous speech she gave me yrs ago (during the custody battle) about how she NEVER limited her daughter's father's access (I'll bet Danielle never begged & wept, making herself physically ill in NEGATIVE anticipation of precious "Quality Time" w/her dad either!)...

Ah well - I am powerless; this is a battle my child has to fight himself. The man intimidated ME as a full-grown adult woman! I don't want to imagine my tender-hearted child subjected to M's psychological warfare techniques...

I'm looking down the barrel of 4 1/2 more yrs of this; is it any wonder I'm stalled out here?!?

Pain Management

Monday, October 10, 2011

Boy am I glad I did NOT follow my father's suggestion to go into human medicine!

I called a local "Rehab/Pain Management Clinic" which offered to work me in OCT 20th!?!?! That's OK, I'll probably be all better by then...

I went by my chiropractor Fri evening, & I think his attempts to "realign" me caused pain in my L shoulder/upper ribcage to flare up... I've spent a fairly miserable weekend popping ibuprofen & trying to find a comfortable sleeping position. There's a nice bruise running diagonally across my L decolletage just below the collarbone which I theorize was caused by my chin, as my shoulder & head hit the ground & I crumbled in upon myself.

Needless to say, I skipped the gym although a light workout would have likely done me a lot of good; I was purely too exhausted from poor-quality sleep. Couldn't believe there was a small downtick in the scales this morning, but I'll take it! Every fraction of a pound does wonders for my Bad Attitude.

I decided last night that what will do me the most good of all is a daily yoga practice; I made it as far as lying in savasana on my meditation mat. It did seem to help me sleep somewhat. Took my parents to the movies yesterday afternoon to see "A Dolphin's Tale" (really good BTW); had previously tried last week to drag my boy to see it but as it turned out, his dad had already taken him & Z was just reluctant to tell me? I hate for Z to feel as if he has to "keep secrets" from me; it's not a popularity contest after all (not to mention if it were, I'm sure MOMMY would win! ;-)

Part of me feels perfectly justified for wallowing in my misery, but I'm going to get in a light workout today & see if that loosens up the ol' shoulder a bit...

Tough Enough

Monday, October 17, 2011

(may be a repeat of an earlier blog title but what can I say, haven't had enough caffeine yet this AM!)

I'm happy to report that I can check off another one of my "Goals": the Armadillo 50-mi endurance ride, even as I modify my long-term list... (I've decided NOT to pony up the entry fee & associated expenses for the Dallas White Rock Half-marathon on 12/4 in view of ongoing economic uncertainty; instead I'm going to follow the training schedule on my own)

What can I say; running is a luxury but riding is a NECESSITY ;-) !!! Seriously, though, I have been enjoying my more-relaxed schedule, hiking the lakeshore w/Buddy-dog on Tues/Thurs evenings while my boy does his martial arts practices. I honestly don't know if that has helped nudge me off my high plateau or not, but I'm DOWN another half-lb this week so something is working right! I'll take any minor progress I can get at this juncture...

Saturday's ride was a true test of endurance, since I got a little dehydrated** & was lethargic & nauseous on our last interminable 18-mi loop. I was certain if I had dismounted to purge my stomach, I might not have been able to carry on, so we just had to take lots of walking breaks despite my boy's pleas to trot on out & get 'er done!

**I was too worried about my boy, who set out in the early morning chill wearing a sweatshirt & blue jeans over his riding tights; I was afraid he was going to overheat & pass out! but he kept on insisting that he was fine, so he rode our 1st 18 mi w/those extra layers... (I have always found it easier to just BE COLD starting out on a ride rather than messing w/peeling off layers as we go down the trail!) So I didn't pay attention to MY hydration; just goes to show ya that you're still sweating/losing fluids even in the cold. I must have put away a full gallon over the course of the rest of the day, but I still didn't urinate until 7 PM that evening. Z was also riding in a new saddle, which turned out to have stirrups that were TOO SMALL for his big banana-boat feet... Fortunately a riding buddy was carrying her cell ph, so I was able to place a call to Hubby, who brought his old saddle to the 1st out of camp vet check. The wonders of modern technology, I swear! "Back in the day" - 20 yrs ago, we simply rode out on trail & were lost to human contact until we made it back to the vet check area... I still don't carry a cell ph on the Baraqinator - it would be too big a challenge to try to place or receive a call from atop my lil' pogo stick!

My lil' quid pro quo deal w/my son was that he would ride w/me on Sat, if we hauled home Sat night so he could go roll the dice w/his Warhammer buddies on Sun. Somehow I still got an earful of Teenage Bad Attitude Sun evening when he informed me that riding was MY thing, not his! I'm writing it off to fatigue & disappointment that a good day was coming to an end; but I must grit my teeth at such times to avoid striking back: it would have been oh-so-tempting to threaten to pack up Z w/his stuff (how many hundreds of $$$'s do I have invested in Warhammer models now?!?) & deliver him to his father's... Let's see how he "enjoys" that routine! I read somewhere about motherhood being the ultimate test of patience & perseverance, & that was absolutely correct.

Onwards through the fog...

Call of the Wild

Friday, October 21, 2011

I have a painful souvenir of last weekend's ride: that stone-bruised deep ache of plantar fasciitis in my L heel. (Sweetheart grabbed the wrong shoes - silly me, I thought it made perfect sense when I asked P to bring "my black tennis shoes" that he would grab the Saucony's from our closet... But no, he dug through the pile on the laundry room rack & grabbed an old pair of black/gray Asics that had orthotics. They are obviously NOT made for horseback riding - that stiff bar along my arch caused me quite a bit of pressure/pain in the stirrups!)

My feet were killing me by the end of our 2nd loop; I changed into my purple Nike's back in camp but the damage was already done. I didn't even go to the gym Mon - Wed bcz of foot pain. Yesterday I had all sorts of plans - but literally almost immediately as soon as I seated myself on the couch w/a fresh cuppa, BOTH phones (land line & cell ph) rang simultaneously. It was my son's school's alert system: there had been a smell like gas, they evacuated the school, didn't find an immediate cause, but went ahead were dismissing students @ 11:15...

I'm never knocking any chance to get a little bonus time w/my boy, even though that negated my plans to accomplish a lil' housework & a short, tentative gym visit. That evening, though, I went ahead w/my plans to walk Buddy-dog along the lakeshore (he would never have understood Mommy begging off: when we turn that final corner approaching the parking lot, you should see his excitement!)

As we passed a jogger going in the opposite direction, he warned: "There's a coyote up there!" The light was fading too fast for me to get a good look, but there WAS a shadowy canine form... Buddy as usual was straining at the leash, growling & barking at all other dogs, small & large! but as we came back around & passed through the streetlights near the Bath House, I could see that it WAS, in fact, a large female coyote - & she was stalking my Bud!

No doubt he looked like quite the tender morsel, but I scooped him up, stomped my foot at her & growled to drive her away. (I have had several abductions reported by clients of starving coyotes snatching small dogs literally under their noses!) It made me sad - I wish I'd have had a consolation prize to offer her, but my chili meat was back in the Kia! & it's only a matter of time until Animal Control shoots, traps, or poisons her...

If my old iPhone3 had a better camera, I'd have gotten her picture.

355

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

No, that number is completely unrelated to anything "Sparkish": it's not the number of lbs I've lost & regained over the years, the calorie count of my last meal, or even the number of calories I burned on the TM yesterday (although it could be close, considering my sluggish metabolism) - although all of these things could be items of consideration.

That's the number of miles I've ridden this season in competition, and surprisingly enough may keep me in the point standings for my weight division - especially if I successfully complete my last 50-mi ride of the season on 11/12. There are advantages to being a Heavyweight (in our sport, that's tacking in w/saddle & equipment above 211 lbs).

Featherweight: less than 165 lbs
Lightweight: 166 - 185 lbs
Middleweight (what I USED to be when I entered this sport 20 yrs ago): 186 - 210 lbs

Let's face it, I have little or no sympathy for some of my Featherweight friends who have to add weighted saddle pads, weighted vests & other accessories to "make the weight" of 165 lbs which is required for international-caliber competition. Since I never race, that's unlikely to ever be one of MY problems!

But the weirdest coincidence of all is the fact that Ex's old girlfriend (but new bride as of May of this year) has racked up EXACTLY THE SAME NUMBER OF MILES. Of course she's in the Lightweight division, so we're not in DIRECT competition w/each other, but creepy enough.

It remains my life's stated goal to outlive & out-ride that witch, & dance on her grave one day. Probably one of the most sterling examples of my Bad Attitude, but there ya have it, SparkFriends! Da truth, & nuthin' but da truth, as long as I can post my random musings here.

But for now I'm going to hit the gym, see if my shoulder is recovered enough to try this 100-pushup challenge (thanks a lot, Jen!)... She Who Shall Not Be Named already cringes away from me on trail & avoids me at all costs in camp - I can't say that I blame her, since I tower over her by a good 8 in & probably outweigh her by 80 lbs! (Yes of course I have my own personal injunction against hitting anyone smaller than myself, although she's tried my patience over the years!) The thing I still puzzle over, however, is if that body type was my ex's preference, why on earth did he ever marry ME?!?
After all, while I may have been a lot THINNER when I was younger (topping off the scales a good 65 lbs heavier than my 1st wedding day in '85), I was certainly never any SHORTER or finer-framed...

Nose, Meet Face

Friday, November 04, 2011

I'm still trying to untangle my myriad emotions as I head into what I HOPE is a restful & relaxing weekend w/Hubby (home last night; flying out again Sun evening)...

Factoids:
A.) I honestly don't know why my ex is assiduously avoiding speaking to me directly (unless She Who Shall Not be Named is cracking the whip on him; who knows?) - it's been a common tactic of his to leave VM on my cell ph (I'm one of the few people in North America who does NOT carry my cell ph attached to my person at all times) when it would have made more sense for him to call me, let's say AT MY OFFICE!

But on Wed, he took it a step further by sending me AN EMAIL!?! While I do check email frequently during the day when I'm at work, it's NOT the best way to make contact w/me in the evenings...

"> Val,
>
> I've scheduled Zach to spend the day with a highschooler at Bishop Lynch on Friday. He needs to be there by 8am. What's your preference as to how we make it work?"

My son WOULD have been out of school for an in-service day today... What kind of a$$hole schedules things for his EX-wife w/out bothering to consult her??!!?? (don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question!)

At the time, my blood was boiling, so I simply replied: "I'll get him there"... Yesterday I called the Very Nice Admissions Director to fill in the rest of the details my considerate ex had left out (at this stage she certainly doesn't need to hear any details of our dysfunctional co-parenting relationship). Long story shortened - we decided to treat it as a trial run, catching their bus at St E's. Unfortunately we missed it by a few min, so I had to schlep Z across town in lovely LOVELY traffic. In the end this was probably a GOOD thing, since it firmly convinced me that this particular school is TOO FAR AWAY to be under practical consideration!

(I'm not ready to sell the farm & move to E Dallas, thank you very much!)

I suspect Ex is pushing hard for THIS school bcz it would be closer to HIS current place of employment; fortunately I'm the one w/the final say in educational decisions...

I don't think I'm cutting off my son's figurative "nose" of educational opportunities to spite my ex's face - there are several good high schools on the S side of town.

B.) A friend emailed me: "I bumped into your ex at St. E’s the other evening and man oh man does that guy have the personality of a wet noodle. I don’t know what you ever saw in him, babe. He really had a hard time saying “Hi” back to me but I forced it."

So maybe I shouldn't take his snubs personally - for all I know he's deep in the trough of another major depression. I can relate but fortunately it's not MY problem anymore; only as to how it relates to his treatment of MY SON. Just another minor worry as Z heads off for more "quality time" w/his sire...

Cold Hard Reality

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

(Obviously no one wants to comment about my convoluted personal life, although I may be flattering myself that anyone's even READING!)

Anyway, I decided to treat myself to an evening at my favorite Korean sauna after stressful weekend... I was mildly disconcerted to see myself naked from afar in one of their full-length mirrors in the women's locker room (one thing's for sure, you must overcome inhibitions about nudity since it is customary to strip down, shower & bathe together!).

Of course my posture remains consistently bad, which doesn't help things - I have been fairly consistent about practicing a few yoga poses each evening @ bedtime, which I believe does help my "body-consciousness"... Nevertheless, I was dismayed to see my complete pear-shaped silhouette, pendulous abdomen & all. Actually I looked pretty much like a taller version of my mother! Many times I remember her scrutinizing herself critically in the mirror... More proof positive that genetics "R" destiny, much more than we'd like to admit!

Morbid obesity actually runs on my dad's side of the family, so his lifelong struggle w/weight has been even more grim & determined than my mom's more vanity-oriented variety. (in old family photos, Mom is a shapely stunner; she just has a big bottom!). Unfortunately I have inherited my dad's muscular frame, so instead of curves, even when I was relatively slim, I was just a big solid block.

But at home, I grabbed my pannus, hefted it up & turned sideways so I could see that my legs, hips, & butt actually look damned good for pushing 50! As much as I would like to make a big splash at Thanksgiving, I'll have to settle for Ordinary Val...

Hail, Spartacus! (NOT)

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Honestly can't remember if I have mentioned the fact that I have been logging virtually all of my exercise at another site called DailyMile... Memory is BAD; wish I could remember whom to thank for recommending it! I find it to be a lot of fun, keeping up w/friends' activities & just generally being a lot more user-friendly than the Spark Fitness application.

Anyway, somehow I came to be friends w/a young die-hard exercise fanatic named Meg; it tires me out just READING about all that she does: running, cycling, spin classes, yoga, & weight lifting! She posted about this terrific short weight-lifting workout the other day, so when I walked into the gym yesterday to find that I had the place all to myself, I decided to give it a try.

www.menshealth.com/spart
acus/workouts/

I can feel the aftereffects in my sore hamstrings today, & I only did a portion of these exercises. It was probably pure comedic GOLD to watch me attempt the "T-pushup" - of course I can't even DO a conventional full-length pushup yet, but I was wobbling around trying to perform the side-plank posture (wait a minute! Those guys keep their legs spread, not stacked on top of each other as I've seen side plank performed) - I finally had to place my supporting hand flat on the floor, couldn't keep my balance gripping the dumbbell.

(Go ahead, watch the video - you know you WANT to! Heavy sigh, though - my heart breaks at the thought of that beautiful man Andy Whitfield, dead at age 39 of non-Hodgkin lymphoma... Initially that's what my ENT doc thought I had, before I was diagnosed w/thyroid carcinoma.)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An
dy_Whitfield

Mistakes Were Made

Monday, November 14, 2011

...& will CONTINUE to be made, especially whenever I fail to listen to my tiny Inner Voice of Reason.

I knew I was taking on too much last weekend - my friend the Ride Manager had asked me to "work a day, ride a day" - working Sat & riding Sun since one of the other vets had to back out. Of course I consented - there were no reasonable grounds for refusal; she similarly asked another friend/colleague who just like me, wanted to top off her riding season mileage by riding Sat & working Sun's ride...

Anyway, we were slammed Fri PM & Sat w/a tremendous turnout of 100+ riders; we worked our tails off! I never sleep that well in horse camp either, what w/having to listen up for horses potentially getting themselves in trouble & all... Had to get up at 1 AM Sun to take sinus meds since I had a splitting headache; typical TX weather had us shivering Sat morning, but Sat evening turned warm & humid.

Since I wasn't sleeping anyway, I got up to feed the ponies their brekkers at 3 AM & dozed fitfully until the appointed time of 5:30. I was filled w/trepidation as I considered letting my boy sleep in & "downgrading" our entry to a 25-miler (who weren't going out on trail until 8:45). The problem is, that limited distance mileage wouldn't have accrued us any points or mileage - of course, I realize neither does a non-completion - DUH!

Two days of standing tied to the trailer had not done anything to improve Mr B's (excited) attitude, so of course he managed to jump out from under me during our 2nd loop. Lucky for me this was in the dirt & NOT during one of our segments when we were trotting down the side of the road! No big deal at the time (other than the momentary damage to my pride, coupled w/son's comments on how "funny" we looked!), but obviously I jolted my neck & L shoulder; today I'm pretty stiff & sore.

I just completely ran out of energy after our 2nd loop, 23 mi into the ride. I probably could have slogged on & completed, but what was looming large over me was the knowledge that THEN we'd still have to break camp, load up, drive home, unload, feed all the animals, get geared up for Monday. So me quitting when we did made the difference between getting home/settling in at 5 PM vs 10 PM. It still didn't make it an easy decision.

I apologized profusely to Z & of course it was no big deal to him. I just hope he is able to stay in 3rd place Juniors, that should get him an awards vest (embroidered w/his name/mule's name & all the information. We're very proud of our garments ;-)

So today I have most of the post-ride stiffness/soreness & residual fatigue left over from needing to catch up on sleep (I was awake at 3 AM this morning, second-guessing myself - in the end I should have toughed it out) but NONE of the sense of accomplishment. At least She Who Shall Not Be Named did not witness my defeat; she rode Sat, loaded up & went home Sun before we pulled. Yes, that puts her ahead of me in mileage but at least we're not in direct competition w/each other. Peculiarly enough, another friend asked me why my ex-husband is no longer riding (since SWSNBN was there & he wasn't) - I cocked a quizzical eyebrow at him as I remarked that I didn't have a clue; we rarely talked except about the Bare Minimum needed as we passed Z back & forth. The REALLY sad thing is the fact that we all used to be friends, camping out together in a big circle of horse trailers, gathering around the campfire to have potluck dinners & share adult beverages...

Guess I was the naive one, thinking we were just one big happy family! Obviously a dysfunctional one.

I May Be Fat, But I Ain't Stupid

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

(aka Lessons Learned)

As I limp back from the bathroom after One More Trip (sorry for the overshare), flashes of insight come to me as the shame & aches n' pains of last weekend's humiliation/failure slowly fades...

Maybe it's finally sunk in, that I Cannot Eat That Crap anymore - I thought I was rewarding myself w/a quick trip by BK's drive-thru yesterday during my mad whirl of running errands. (I know my thoughts are the time were "I deserve this" since I had eaten up my lunchtime taking care of everyone ELSE's needs) I was infuriated when the cashier short-changed me: I paid w/a $20 bill; maybe by giving me a messy stack of a couple of $5's & a couple of $1's she thought I wouldn't notice that she had held back a fiver? (only gave me $12.52 when she owed me $17.52 for that $2.48 order of onion rings) I contemplated as I drove off, how she likely had a sweet deal going, pocketing a few bucks here & there when harried customers failed to count their change...

Unfortunately the joke was on ME, since those coveted onion rings gave me horrendous indigestion, heartburn & gas later. I hereby accept the premise that junk food wreaks even MORE havoc on your system after you've been trying to detox!

& speaking of detox, I am ready to tackle my own version of a "Reboot" after my friend Lucy & I went to a screening of "Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead" a couple of weeks ago. Lucy is already a vegetarian, but was squirming in discomfited awareness of how heavily she's come to rely on processed convenience food in her own diet... We both are pledging to do better!

jointhereboot.com/

(I have already joined up; you should be able to guess my username: "endurovet"! No imagination for catchy aliases ;-)

I have dusted off my mom's Jack LaLanne juicer & mulched a few fruits & veggies; so far my efforts have been palatable enough (although I have to admit, I will never be fond of beets!)

I'm starting out w/small, manageable goals: cut out the gluten & PUFA's, eat a salad each day, supplement w/some juice here & there (I think my boy really enjoyed his appointed task of running the veggies down the chute of the juicer!)... Progress report(s) to follow!

The Die is Cast

Monday, November 21, 2011

It isn't as if we had extensive family discussions, or even my usual painstaking routine of a "Pro's & Con's" list... Once again, the other night I was lying awake at 4 AM & The Answer drifted into my consciousness:

"What the hell, Ma-ROON**, you ain't sleeping anyway - might as well get up & try to give your son what he so desperately wants!"

**I'm making a sincere effort to cut out the negative self-talk - wooo, if ya heard some of my interior dialogue, your ears would be blistered! So instead of calling myself MOR-on, I call myself Ma-ROON w/heavy emphasis on that 2nd syllable - this is wordplay regarding The Texas A & M school colors (maroon & white) as well as that fabled Aggie reputation for idiotic behavior...

Perhaps things make a distorted type of sense only in my own universe, eh?!?

But in the short meditations I have tried to sit through over this past week, I try to visualize what our High School Routine is going to resemble... Obviously it's NOT going to conform to Mom's plan of having Z move on across to her old Alma Mater (less than a mile away from St E's; I think it's still a good school & it would be oh-so-CONVENIENT!), but having to be at St E's 50 min earlier could be a true gift for not only Mom's fitness routine, but her entire day: on pleasant outdoor-weather days I could go over to Kiest Park for a lap or two, on inclement weather days I would have that extra hr to go to the gym or run errands. Forced efficiency, get it?

So the bottom line is, I submitted Z's application to BL - the die is cast, not that I think there will be any problem w/acceptance of my straight-A student... They'll just want to see the color of my money ;-) - which will lead to the next challenge: child support will need to be re-negotiated! I am thrilled w/that prospect, as you can well imagine. With my ex's reversion (??? well it isn't as if he's EVER been a cooperative "co-parent", keeping those lines of communication open! It just seems as if he's even MORE secretive since his remarriage; I never even had a chance to blog about the latest snafu when he signed Z up for a "shadow day" at the Fancy New High School, not informing me until after the fact?!?!?) - but w/his miserly/reclusive tendencies, this could get real ugly real quick...

Wish me luck folks.

Just Do It

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

All I could think of after I left my friend's house was hitting the gym... Fortunately I was able to tack a lil' extra time onto my Extended Lunch Hour (sometimes it's Good to Be the Boss) & cranked up the TM for an hour. Let's just call it a moving meditation coupled w/burning off a couple of those Taco Bell specials I shouldn't have shared w/my boy. (He's been on a real Taco Bell kick here lately; go figure! The power of advertising, I guess)

Back up & start making sense: when I kissed my boy goodbye last Fri (going to school, being picked up by his dad for this 3rd weekend), I was potentially bidding him farewell for 12 long days. Don't think my ex didn't plot out this visitation schedule w/meticulous care: scheduling his weekday visits on Mon means he gets a 4-d
weekend; w/early dismissal today for Thanksgiving (it's M's year) he could have picked him up at noon & I wouldn't have seen Z again until NEXT Tues.

Fortunately my boy is smart - he asked for a sleepover w/his pal Josef, they will beworking on their Science Fair project together. Turns out that Ex called MY
husband yesterday to ask for Josef's mom's ph # - he was going to let him spend the afternoon w/Josef, but not stay overnight... (another irritation: since his remarriage, M seems to actively avoid speaking to me - he'll email or call P... It's as if he hopes if he ignores me, I'll quietly fade away)

(Apparently they're going to the ride in OK tomorrow - I reminded my boy to please pack lots of warm clothes!)

So I raced over to see him at lunchtime, bearing non-burnt offerings from Taco Bell. I got hugs & kisses from BOTH boys; pretty remarkable for teenagers! I managed to put on a happy face & keep up a lively patter of conversation while I was there, raced back to the sanctuary of the gym to work out my frustrations afterwards. You would think it might get a little easier after all these years, but I still HATE having to send my boy away...

Try to understand my position; this is the man who terrorized me for almost 14 yrs - who threatened me & my parents, tried to talk me into aborting this well-planned pregnancy (he'd already jumped ship, so to speak, & thrown his lot in w/the GF, but was still lying through his teeth to me that they were "just friends"... Hell, he kept up that sorry pretense even through a couple of yrs of court-ordered family therapy!) I both anticipate yet dread the day when Z finally gains the courage to speak his mind** - but w/Ex's explosive & unpredictable temper, who knows what might happen? I can't help but fear the worst.

(**to his dad, of course - he ALREADY speaks his mind to me ;-)

Anyway, so this also makes me dread the Thanksgiving holiday (in my family, it's always been a bigger deal than Xmas) - just knowing when I walk through the door of my aunt's house, I'll be met w/the usual questions: "Where's Zach?"

I'm going to start telling 'em we locked him in his closet at home - surely after all these years, they realize that if he ain't w/me, he's w/his father!

Happy holidays to my SparkFriends nonetheless.