...in every way, while I may not be getting "better and better", at least I will plug away at saving some of these priceless artifacts - why? I really don't know, maybe the material for my best-selling book is in here somewhere!!??!!
But here it's been 6 mos, Melissa is getting ready to domino, and I fear my dear friend will have herself a grandchild to raise...
A Cracked Mirror
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Well yesterday was a little better than Mon, & today's even better yet (of course I shouldn't jinx myself by saying so!) - but both my AM surgeries canceled so I have a few moments to myself for "deep thought"...
Looks like I'm going to survive this little ordeal (Toni is NOT back today, but the schedule has calmed down) w/my sanity more-or-less intact ;-) ! Hopefully able to rest & recuperate tomorrow, ready to charge forth into a fun-filled Memorial Day weekend.
I should be well aware after 47 yrs on this earth that one cannot in truth "Have It All"; I am sacrificing what appears to be a well-planned, meticulously organized ride in E TX in favor of The Greater Good:
A.) Son wants to "just stay home", working on his models, maybe participating in a little paintball action or checking out a tournament
B.) I'm a little tired of The Frantic Rush myself - cleaning out the trailer, repacking, loading up & hauling to base camp, temporarily unpacking, ride & reload... I hate to miss a ride, but the mileage is not crucial at this juncture; I can probably do myself MORE good by staying at home, resting up & accomplishing a few household chores (be still my heart!), & building my foundation for the next ride (June) leading up to The Big Event (Tevis in mid-July).
C.) My cousin's son is graduating from Jesuit (elite private prep school; it's on the short list of Z's possibilities for HS), so she's throwing a combination graduation/family reunion party Sat afternoon. We will be there w/bells on!
Not to mention we MIGHT even get out to Six Flags this weekend to activate our season passes & check out the new improved Texas Giant.
www.sixflags.com/overtex
as/rides/TexasGiant.aspx
(Gulp; remind me to have an empty stomach when I board her!)
Looks like I'm going to survive this little ordeal (Toni is NOT back today, but the schedule has calmed down) w/my sanity more-or-less intact ;-) ! Hopefully able to rest & recuperate tomorrow, ready to charge forth into a fun-filled Memorial Day weekend.
I should be well aware after 47 yrs on this earth that one cannot in truth "Have It All"; I am sacrificing what appears to be a well-planned, meticulously organized ride in E TX in favor of The Greater Good:
A.) Son wants to "just stay home", working on his models, maybe participating in a little paintball action or checking out a tournament
B.) I'm a little tired of The Frantic Rush myself - cleaning out the trailer, repacking, loading up & hauling to base camp, temporarily unpacking, ride & reload... I hate to miss a ride, but the mileage is not crucial at this juncture; I can probably do myself MORE good by staying at home, resting up & accomplishing a few household chores (be still my heart!), & building my foundation for the next ride (June) leading up to The Big Event (Tevis in mid-July).
C.) My cousin's son is graduating from Jesuit (elite private prep school; it's on the short list of Z's possibilities for HS), so she's throwing a combination graduation/family reunion party Sat afternoon. We will be there w/bells on!
Not to mention we MIGHT even get out to Six Flags this weekend to activate our season passes & check out the new improved Texas Giant.
www.sixflags.com/overtex
as/rides/TexasGiant.aspx
(Gulp; remind me to have an empty stomach when I board her!)
Everything Changes...
Monday, June 06, 2011
No one should have a more heightened awareness than myself of how the only constant in this life is change.
[Feeling quite old & tired & sick this AM; more of a stream of consciousness post]
Opted out of our Memorial Day weekend ride, squeezed between family obligations, put [new] truck in shop to repair minor hail damage, final arrangements to take motorhome to consignment lot & hopefully get that gas-guzzler SOLD! [so I had no vehicle to haul horse trailer anyway] What I missed was lots of heat & humidity, and a horrific accident which culminated in the death of a good friend/riding buddy..
[You have to understand, when I refer to someone as a "riding buddy", it runs so much deeper than a casual acquaintance - those of us who share this passion for long-distance riding form a special kind of bond. So even though April & I were only "fast friends" in horse camp, this tragedy really shook me to the core...]
...April and her friend Robin started the 50 mile ride together. The horses were a little excitable, probably due to a lot of wind, normal ride camp ..... Robin said they had held back to the back of the pack. After some time, the horses seemed to calm down and were doing a steady trot. Robin said April's horse seemed to disengage in the rear, first on one side and then the other, and April came off. The horse kicked her in the face. Robin immediately called 911 and then ride management. The EMT's arrived, assessed, and called in an air evacuation. From the time of the accident until she was being airlifted out was not more than 40 minutes. They took her to a Trauma 1 Center in Tyler, TX...
****************************
************
As most everyone knows, the impact from the horse was to April's face. There are broken bones and serious damage to her eyes. She has had one surgery for her eyes and one for the facial fractures. She will have to have more surgeries as the swelling goes down. Tom was encouraged today that she was able to sit up this afternoon by herself and took 2 steps. He asks that we pray for healing. She continues to be in ICU and only immediate family can see her.
****************************
************
April was very tired today, and she slept most of the day. Her swelling continues to go down, and another surgery on her facial bones is still planned for Friday. April says thank you for all the prayers and support.
She loves all of you, and cannot wait to get to another ride. Her swelling is still too high for her vision to be determined, and the surgery on Friday will set us back again on the swelling. Please keep praying.
****************************
***********
It is with great sadness that I tell you that April passed away this morning. [Husband] Tom called a friend about 2 am and told her that two arteries on the side of her neck collapsed. She is on life support until her organs can be donated.
Tom has asked that people not call for 24 hours to give him and the family time to collect themselves and make arrangements. When arrangements are finalized, he will let us know.
****************************
************
Hearing all this third and fourth-hand, I still don't know whether April's injury was a Le Fort type II or III fracture - not that it really matters, I'm fully aware, even as I strive to comprehend the incomprehensible...
I won't be hearing April's delightful laughter or enjoying her company on the trail any longer - Carpe Diem indeed.
RIP dear April 4/22/69 - 6/02/11 [She was an organ donor]
In lieu of flowers, the family has asked that a donation be made to Horsefeathers Therapeutic Equestrian Center, 1095 VZ CR 3611, Edgewood, TX 75117. April and her family have been dedicated volunteers for several years.
[Feeling quite old & tired & sick this AM; more of a stream of consciousness post]
Opted out of our Memorial Day weekend ride, squeezed between family obligations, put [new] truck in shop to repair minor hail damage, final arrangements to take motorhome to consignment lot & hopefully get that gas-guzzler SOLD! [so I had no vehicle to haul horse trailer anyway] What I missed was lots of heat & humidity, and a horrific accident which culminated in the death of a good friend/riding buddy..
[You have to understand, when I refer to someone as a "riding buddy", it runs so much deeper than a casual acquaintance - those of us who share this passion for long-distance riding form a special kind of bond. So even though April & I were only "fast friends" in horse camp, this tragedy really shook me to the core...]
...April and her friend Robin started the 50 mile ride together. The horses were a little excitable, probably due to a lot of wind, normal ride camp ..... Robin said they had held back to the back of the pack. After some time, the horses seemed to calm down and were doing a steady trot. Robin said April's horse seemed to disengage in the rear, first on one side and then the other, and April came off. The horse kicked her in the face. Robin immediately called 911 and then ride management. The EMT's arrived, assessed, and called in an air evacuation. From the time of the accident until she was being airlifted out was not more than 40 minutes. They took her to a Trauma 1 Center in Tyler, TX...
****************************
************
As most everyone knows, the impact from the horse was to April's face. There are broken bones and serious damage to her eyes. She has had one surgery for her eyes and one for the facial fractures. She will have to have more surgeries as the swelling goes down. Tom was encouraged today that she was able to sit up this afternoon by herself and took 2 steps. He asks that we pray for healing. She continues to be in ICU and only immediate family can see her.
****************************
************
April was very tired today, and she slept most of the day. Her swelling continues to go down, and another surgery on her facial bones is still planned for Friday. April says thank you for all the prayers and support.
She loves all of you, and cannot wait to get to another ride. Her swelling is still too high for her vision to be determined, and the surgery on Friday will set us back again on the swelling. Please keep praying.
****************************
***********
It is with great sadness that I tell you that April passed away this morning. [Husband] Tom called a friend about 2 am and told her that two arteries on the side of her neck collapsed. She is on life support until her organs can be donated.
Tom has asked that people not call for 24 hours to give him and the family time to collect themselves and make arrangements. When arrangements are finalized, he will let us know.
****************************
************
Hearing all this third and fourth-hand, I still don't know whether April's injury was a Le Fort type II or III fracture - not that it really matters, I'm fully aware, even as I strive to comprehend the incomprehensible...
I won't be hearing April's delightful laughter or enjoying her company on the trail any longer - Carpe Diem indeed.
RIP dear April 4/22/69 - 6/02/11 [She was an organ donor]
In lieu of flowers, the family has asked that a donation be made to Horsefeathers Therapeutic Equestrian Center, 1095 VZ CR 3611, Edgewood, TX 75117. April and her family have been dedicated volunteers for several years.
Autopilot
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
...feels like my setting, as I remain benumbed by the death of my friend.
Summertime USED to be my favorite season; but no longer the case since I have to sacrifice great bleeding chunks of time to the visitation regimen. Of course this is nothing new, been dealing w/this aggravation for ELEVEN! FLIPPIN'!! YEARS!!! now, both Z & I should be used to it by now...
(Unfortunately you would be mistaken - while Z used to count "sleeps" when he had to go away, nowadays his anxiety expresses itself in moodiness, insomnia, headaches & stomachaches....)
We have 10 d left together & I'm trying to make the most of it: I'll pick up several of his friends for a BD sleepover & trip to the waterpark on Thurs, Fri is April's funeral, & Sat is a housewarming party for a friend's daughter... After that I'm playing it by ear - still waiting to hear whether or not another friend's daughter will be tied up in a softball tourney over Father's Day weekend; I won't make that long haul to the Panhandle for a ride if I won't reap the added benefit of seeing/riding w/Karen!
(not to mention hauling to that ride would also mean sacrificing one precious day of Z-time - one of my future topics should be "How Divorce Made Me a Better Mom")
I shifted the summer schedule to make allowances for my big CA ride trip in mid-July as well as our planned family vacation in Aug to Yellowstone, but then heard a few days ago that the Tevis will be delayed until Oct this year:
"As of June 1st our scouts have reported up to ten feet of snow at the Soda Springs Road, which leads out of our alternate starting location for the 2011 ride. The alternate trail from Soda Springs to French Meadows continues to hold on to the record snow pack which will not melt by July 16th because of an unusually cool spring. The ride date has been changed to October 8th in an effort to use the traditional trail in both the high country and on the lower trail which crosses the American River.
October 8th is historically a cool, dry day in the Truckee, Lake Tahoe area. We landed on this date primarily due to the presence of a nearly full moon, the availability of the Gold Country Fairgrounds and trails which are not otherwise involved in organized events in the Tahoe National Forest. The days will be shorter and cooler, so adjust your training accordingly. The later date gives the trail crew more time to prepare and should offer the high quality trails we have come to expect from our dedicated trail crews."
There is no way I can schedule a road trip to CA in Oct w/my school-age child - well, obviously I **COULD** but I would never inflict that upon Z; it isn't as if his father would be reasonable & allow Z to stay w/grandparents, only 5 mi from school vs the 50-mi haul from HIS house!
So my summer feels like it's once again "up for grabs" - the upside being that I won't have to sacrifice my usual summertime trip to NM which was likewise scheduled for mid-July... I wish w/all my heart that my son could accompany me to those beautiful high desert plains, but "maybe next year"..
Summertime USED to be my favorite season; but no longer the case since I have to sacrifice great bleeding chunks of time to the visitation regimen. Of course this is nothing new, been dealing w/this aggravation for ELEVEN! FLIPPIN'!! YEARS!!! now, both Z & I should be used to it by now...
(Unfortunately you would be mistaken - while Z used to count "sleeps" when he had to go away, nowadays his anxiety expresses itself in moodiness, insomnia, headaches & stomachaches....)
We have 10 d left together & I'm trying to make the most of it: I'll pick up several of his friends for a BD sleepover & trip to the waterpark on Thurs, Fri is April's funeral, & Sat is a housewarming party for a friend's daughter... After that I'm playing it by ear - still waiting to hear whether or not another friend's daughter will be tied up in a softball tourney over Father's Day weekend; I won't make that long haul to the Panhandle for a ride if I won't reap the added benefit of seeing/riding w/Karen!
(not to mention hauling to that ride would also mean sacrificing one precious day of Z-time - one of my future topics should be "How Divorce Made Me a Better Mom")
I shifted the summer schedule to make allowances for my big CA ride trip in mid-July as well as our planned family vacation in Aug to Yellowstone, but then heard a few days ago that the Tevis will be delayed until Oct this year:
"As of June 1st our scouts have reported up to ten feet of snow at the Soda Springs Road, which leads out of our alternate starting location for the 2011 ride. The alternate trail from Soda Springs to French Meadows continues to hold on to the record snow pack which will not melt by July 16th because of an unusually cool spring. The ride date has been changed to October 8th in an effort to use the traditional trail in both the high country and on the lower trail which crosses the American River.
October 8th is historically a cool, dry day in the Truckee, Lake Tahoe area. We landed on this date primarily due to the presence of a nearly full moon, the availability of the Gold Country Fairgrounds and trails which are not otherwise involved in organized events in the Tahoe National Forest. The days will be shorter and cooler, so adjust your training accordingly. The later date gives the trail crew more time to prepare and should offer the high quality trails we have come to expect from our dedicated trail crews."
There is no way I can schedule a road trip to CA in Oct w/my school-age child - well, obviously I **COULD** but I would never inflict that upon Z; it isn't as if his father would be reasonable & allow Z to stay w/grandparents, only 5 mi from school vs the 50-mi haul from HIS house!
So my summer feels like it's once again "up for grabs" - the upside being that I won't have to sacrifice my usual summertime trip to NM which was likewise scheduled for mid-July... I wish w/all my heart that my son could accompany me to those beautiful high desert plains, but "maybe next year"..
34 Days
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
(just going to label my blogs w/the number of days until I get my boy back home)
& thanks for your concern, KT, but no, I won't get to see him at all unless I can finagle a lunchtime Thurs mtg perhaps... Depending on where M has been working (he seems to change jobs frequently since our divorce, which is probably more attributable to the vagaries of the computer industry than his own personality ;-) - typically he's been on the N side of town, I'm on the S, which means my Thurs day-off is the only possibility - I might be able to persuade him to bring Z to a shopping mall.
However, there are no guarantees; was it last summer or the summer before he refused all requests? Having been backed into that marital corner (imagine if you will, the whip, the chair!), he might be feeling even more vengeful than usual... Nevermind that the relationship he'll damage most (& further) is the one w/his own son. I hardly flinch at all anymore when I recall this vicious stranger whom I once loved & entrusted w/my very soul. (I'll not make that mistake again)
But it really didn't hurt that much to reset my counter 4 lbs past my previous threshold - it could have been worse, w/the wild fluctuations of the scale recently. This AM I squinted at the rusty spots in my underwear - Aha! there you are again, Aunt Flo; it's been so long I hardly recognized you. That explains the crushing depression these past few days - HORMONES compounding the ache of missing my child.
At least I made it by the gym today - felt good to work up a nice sweat, just an easy amble on the TM followed by a few min on the weight machines. Gotta start back somewhere!
Also started re-reading the Harry Potter series for some unknown reason, although they make me tear up w/nostalgia... Got through Book 1 & 2 rapidly & just dove into #3 for my own 13-yr old.
Not the best nutritional choices, as I went by Mickey D's for a wilted salad & some gluey chicken strips. At least I resisted the french fries!
& thanks for your concern, KT, but no, I won't get to see him at all unless I can finagle a lunchtime Thurs mtg perhaps... Depending on where M has been working (he seems to change jobs frequently since our divorce, which is probably more attributable to the vagaries of the computer industry than his own personality ;-) - typically he's been on the N side of town, I'm on the S, which means my Thurs day-off is the only possibility - I might be able to persuade him to bring Z to a shopping mall.
However, there are no guarantees; was it last summer or the summer before he refused all requests? Having been backed into that marital corner (imagine if you will, the whip, the chair!), he might be feeling even more vengeful than usual... Nevermind that the relationship he'll damage most (& further) is the one w/his own son. I hardly flinch at all anymore when I recall this vicious stranger whom I once loved & entrusted w/my very soul. (I'll not make that mistake again)
But it really didn't hurt that much to reset my counter 4 lbs past my previous threshold - it could have been worse, w/the wild fluctuations of the scale recently. This AM I squinted at the rusty spots in my underwear - Aha! there you are again, Aunt Flo; it's been so long I hardly recognized you. That explains the crushing depression these past few days - HORMONES compounding the ache of missing my child.
At least I made it by the gym today - felt good to work up a nice sweat, just an easy amble on the TM followed by a few min on the weight machines. Gotta start back somewhere!
Also started re-reading the Harry Potter series for some unknown reason, although they make me tear up w/nostalgia... Got through Book 1 & 2 rapidly & just dove into #3 for my own 13-yr old.
Not the best nutritional choices, as I went by Mickey D's for a wilted salad & some gluey chicken strips. At least I resisted the french fries!
33 Days
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I HATE mornings when I can barely find a space in my own parking lot! Guess I was spoiled by Mon & Tues mornings, having Dr G back to pick up the slack...
Didn't help that I was running behind this AM - didn't fire up the blender to mix my protein shakes, ran out for quick lunch completely ravenous & ate some LJS fish (not the worst choice nor the best), & needless to say no time for a lunchtime gym visit...
I'm already plotting my escape tomorrow - going to attend a beautiful ride in MO where I haven't been in 15 yrs. It should be big fun, but tinged w/sadness that I won't get to show my boy the "Show-Me" state! (I asked M if they were going to go, in which case I would have hauled Z's mule, but he said they were not)
Went ahead & rescheduled my appt w/new sports med podiatrist for next wk, since it would be too tight a squeeze to fit in tomorrow; my R foot feels pretty decent w/only minor ache across the ball after yesterday's very mild 2-mi walk. I'd like to think I am doing my flat feet some good w/my irregular rehab exercises.
I plowed through HP 3 last night, but must have loaned out #4?? I may race to used bookstore for an emergency back-up copy for this weekend.
Seems like every summer I make big self-improvement plans, none of which come to fruition:
In Y2K (first year of the dreaded summer visitation), I made my first pilgrimage to CA for Tevis ride; only completed 56 mi before missing cut-off time & getting disqualified.
2001: a friend & I hauled to a big ride in Wyoming, but I only rode 2 out of 3 days. Old motorhome blew transmission & we had a hell of a time getting home.
'01 was also the inaugural year of my favorite Ft Stanton ride, which I have faithfully attended every summer thereafter... I've always **thought** I would be better able to concentrate on good diet/exercise when I was basically just looking out for Number 1 (until just recently, Hubby has traveled a lot), but I've always seemed to slip through the loopholes ;-)
Didn't help that I was running behind this AM - didn't fire up the blender to mix my protein shakes, ran out for quick lunch completely ravenous & ate some LJS fish (not the worst choice nor the best), & needless to say no time for a lunchtime gym visit...
I'm already plotting my escape tomorrow - going to attend a beautiful ride in MO where I haven't been in 15 yrs. It should be big fun, but tinged w/sadness that I won't get to show my boy the "Show-Me" state! (I asked M if they were going to go, in which case I would have hauled Z's mule, but he said they were not)
Went ahead & rescheduled my appt w/new sports med podiatrist for next wk, since it would be too tight a squeeze to fit in tomorrow; my R foot feels pretty decent w/only minor ache across the ball after yesterday's very mild 2-mi walk. I'd like to think I am doing my flat feet some good w/my irregular rehab exercises.
I plowed through HP 3 last night, but must have loaned out #4?? I may race to used bookstore for an emergency back-up copy for this weekend.
Seems like every summer I make big self-improvement plans, none of which come to fruition:
In Y2K (first year of the dreaded summer visitation), I made my first pilgrimage to CA for Tevis ride; only completed 56 mi before missing cut-off time & getting disqualified.
2001: a friend & I hauled to a big ride in Wyoming, but I only rode 2 out of 3 days. Old motorhome blew transmission & we had a hell of a time getting home.
'01 was also the inaugural year of my favorite Ft Stanton ride, which I have faithfully attended every summer thereafter... I've always **thought** I would be better able to concentrate on good diet/exercise when I was basically just looking out for Number 1 (until just recently, Hubby has traveled a lot), but I've always seemed to slip through the loopholes ;-)
26 Days
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
...aka "There's Not Enough Sugar to Fill the Hole in my Heart"
If I had been able to get to this computer 2 d ago, I would have been full of hopeful optimism: Baraq & I completed a tough ride in the summertime sauna conditions of SE Missouri last weekend; for a while I felt as though I could accomplish ANYTHING I set my mind to...
But this morning I confirmed my worst suspicion (although I already knew The Truth in my heart): that Ex won't let me see my son at all throughout the rest of our period of exile. (In years past, occasionally he has brought Z to work w/him so I could see him over lunchtime on a Thurs) This Thurs he's "too busy", next Thurs they're taking their vacation to Washington DC (at least Z will get to see some fun stuff like the Smithsonian & the Natural History Museum), and the FOLLOWING Thurs I will be in NM!
At least Z sounded a little more upbeat on the phone when I spoke to him last night, as if he can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel. 10 d down, only 26 more to go. I count it as a big "Win" for myself that I stopped after a single chocolate eclair this AM - didn't buy that frappuccino to go w/it either! The sickly-sweet taste did nothing for my mood. I'm going to hit the gym & work out some of my frustration on the weight bench.
If I had been able to get to this computer 2 d ago, I would have been full of hopeful optimism: Baraq & I completed a tough ride in the summertime sauna conditions of SE Missouri last weekend; for a while I felt as though I could accomplish ANYTHING I set my mind to...
But this morning I confirmed my worst suspicion (although I already knew The Truth in my heart): that Ex won't let me see my son at all throughout the rest of our period of exile. (In years past, occasionally he has brought Z to work w/him so I could see him over lunchtime on a Thurs) This Thurs he's "too busy", next Thurs they're taking their vacation to Washington DC (at least Z will get to see some fun stuff like the Smithsonian & the Natural History Museum), and the FOLLOWING Thurs I will be in NM!
At least Z sounded a little more upbeat on the phone when I spoke to him last night, as if he can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel. 10 d down, only 26 more to go. I count it as a big "Win" for myself that I stopped after a single chocolate eclair this AM - didn't buy that frappuccino to go w/it either! The sickly-sweet taste did nothing for my mood. I'm going to hit the gym & work out some of my frustration on the weight bench.
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