Bamboozled

 Absolutely just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when I’m tempted to crumple onto the floor (my bathroom floor these days, right in front of my cozy propane heater!). This cold weather ain’t helpful to my productivity - I need to recheck my thyroid levels just to certain all is well, but still desperately strapped-for-cash…

Nevertheless, I zipped away for a quick campout with my trail riding buddies last weekend, that math was fairly easy:

$150 in diesel fuel

$100 campground fees

$45 in snacks/shareable food items (chips & dip, a shrimp tray, cheese board, etc)

Time with friends/good day of riding = PRICELESS!!!

We had perfect clear sunny weather Saturday morning; Mr Silas gave my friend’s son’s GF a great experience. Carissa had ridden as a child but had not sat a horse in probably a decade. A cold front with drizzling rain rolled in on us Saturday afternoon, but we made the best of it, utilizing the cabin’s screened porch & covered gazebos.

                              Mr Silas was tired after a solid day’s work (approx 10 mi on challenging trails)

                                                           Susie & Rocky

                                    Carla’s son Victor aboard his dad’s Belgian mule Kate

                       Victor lead-lined Carissa initially while she was figuring things out 

                                         Down by the riverside

I had no earthly business running away from my responsibilities like this, but got new work crew started on clinic - finishing out lobby/exam rooms/lab & pharmacy area so we can move ourselves in and I can sell Big Bertha the mobile unit. Surgery/radiology & the kennels will have to wait - we can continue to work out of the surgery trailer for now. My mother is clamoring to move back to the Villages but I don’t see any earthly way to make that happen for her before the holidays. (And while I think it would be a poor choice, it’s her life & I don’t want her to be miserable - she is still mentally competent.) But I have not made any decisions yet - I can only imagine Zach’s consternation. Let’s face it, the poor woman is determined to be miserable wherever she might be; all she can talk about is her strong desire to rejoin my dad…

42

 My cousin Vanessa is our family’s statistician/amateur genealogist… She has gathered the stories of our elders as she exhaustively documents our family gatherings. I’m thrilled to report that Z & V were ON TIME as we were being ushered onto the front porch for The Annual Family Portrait. There were 42 of us gathered together, an auspicious number especially if you’re a Douglas Adams fan!

My cousin Clifford’s wife (unspecified metastatic cancer was found to be the cause of her back pain & immobility last summer; she has had radiation therapy & oral chemotherapy) made it out of her house - it was a bittersweet moment when she hobbled over to greet my mom. Very strange to contemplate that Mom will likely outlive Marilyn - everyone seemed pleasantly surprised that my mom had graced us with her presence, even though she became restive shortly after our bountiful luncheon, I took her back home about 2:30, then bounced back in an attempt to spend a little more time with my cousins - however, the celebration was dispersing by the time I returned (shortly before 4 PM)

My cousin Rick's widow is downsizing: clearing out my aunt & uncle's sprawling ranch-style home since it's far too large for her needs as the "last resident standing": Ann & Rick moved in with Aunt Sue after Uncle Willie passed away (easy for me to remember with my post-Z timeline: Z was 6 wks old in 1998). Rick was their eldest son, who was tasked with caretaking their youngest, cousin Steve who had the mentality of a 4-5 yr old. Unfortunately Rick himself passed away in 2011 (heart attack), then Steve in 2018 (cancer), followed by Aunt Sue in 2021, leaving Ann all alone in that huge house. I have not been able to get up there to help on any of her big weekend clean-outs - she brought a box of assorted photos & a set of Zelda the bulldog books I had given my aunt over the years. I left the big photo album with my mom but I’ll post some highlights of a young cowgirl - ex & I took our ponies for multiple visits back in the day…

Trudging Onwards

 My sleep quality has been marginally better this week, even though my most recent technique of fitting the back of my head into the notch between my pillows (sounds weird, I know, but it seemed to help my restless habit of tossing n’ turning) no longer seems to be effective. I’m most comfortable curled up on my left side - didn’t arise for a potty break until 5:30 AM, yeah me!

However, I still find it hard to peel myself off the mattress bcz I really don’t have much to look forward to these days… Ongoing financial stress, my mother’s unending misery at her situation, not much time and energy for much outside of work duties. My cousin will be hosting our early Turkey Day celebration mañana, which to me just seems to line up as more logistical juggling:

A.) when I reminded Hubby (this is not new; Vanessa has hosted “early Thanksgiving” for the past 4 years now), he replied he might be fashionably late since he has his “men stuff” group mtg on Saturday. I have counted on P in past years to deliver my food items, since I have to swing up into town to go collect Mom. Fortunately, he stalked into the kitchen this morning to say he had “made his excuses”. Great job, dear!

B.) I had been mulling over how to swing things without risking food poisoning of my family: cook tonight/refrigerate/reheat vs prep tonight/get up extra early to bake my cornbread dressing & roast those sweet potatoes, then hope everything would “hold” as I went to pick up Mom. Thankfully with Hub's acquiescence to family duties, I'll be able to fall back on original plan: prep tonight, put in oven in the morning with instructions to P as to when to take out - since he'll be driving straight to my cousin's house, all should be well!

C.) My last challenge shall be getting over to Arabella, coaxing Mom into the shower, plugging my ears to her complaints as we practice basic hygiene & I transport her to Waxahachie. If I sound sour, it's bcz I am - most of those old folks would be thrilled to death to be taken out for a meal/family outing. Can I make a substitution? (Bad Val - bad, bad Val!!!)

D.) Call it cognitive dissonance, early-onset senior disillusionment, or what have you, but I always envisioned marriage as a partnership - each of us striving to support our partner (not that constructive criticism is out of the question), fundamentally having each other's backs... But I've had the distinct impression these past few years that P is more invested in questioning my methodology, or playing "NIGYYSOB" games of one-upmanship. I've never forgotten some of the transactional-analysis terms Father Rick discussed with us in high school: "Now I've Got You, You SOB"! OK, honey, mea culpa. Just another thing that I miss.

I also met my personal-injury (defense) attorney yesterday - one of the first questions he asked me was if I had posted on social media about my accident? Thankfully, I could truthfully answer "No", since I save my soft white underbelly for these blogs & more private venues. Hopefully they'll be able to make hay out of the fact that my neighbor was posting about his "new car shopping" exploits on FB on the very day of the accident - so much for being badly injured...

My Losing Season

Or “Push Comes to Shove” - I knew riding weekends were going to conflict with our struggles to finish the remodeling project & get moved into the clinic building at some point; this weekend I stayed home as I needed to meet a new work crew who came out to patch the roof leaks** Saturday, then I decided not to push myself so hard as to rush off before dawn’s early light again to catch Day 3 of our nearby ride on Sunday… (while I enjoyed hauling out to meet my trail riding buddies last weekend, I felt the aftereffects)

** while my contractor of course is not responsible for rusted screws in original construction (the building is 23 yrs old), he IS responsible for whichever of his workmen drilled a screw from interior out! Yes, we took lots of pictures. My main concern at this point is fixing Misti’s vehicle; I don’t know if it will be worth trying to extract blood from this particular turnip by taking him to court for breach of contract?

The pain was minimal as I surveyed this year’s ride results: at this point I should be accustomed to lowered expectations. For these past 2 years, all I’ve managed to complete are a handful of Intro rides. I should count myself lucky that ride management didn’t ask for my help for this most recent ride, since I would’ve had to respectfully decline.

Time to get on with things this morning - at least I have a Cowboys victory to savor! They were slow in getting it together (no scores in 1st quarter) but wound up trouncing the NY (Football) Giants 49 - 17

Self-Hypnosis: Defense vs Offense

 My only true accomplishment yesterday was securing an attorney to represent me in this damn post-auto accident nightmare. My attorney had given me several referrals but I was striking out everywhere - the dude screening calls for Ben Abbott was downright rude! I may pop back to leave a nasty review…. He was condescendingly explaining how I should “let my insurance handle it”, not listening to me in the least. When I finally chided him for taking such an argumentative tone with me, he said well our litigation department is at capacity - OK, but why didn’t you tell me that from the get-go?

Hopefully I have hit a home run with Rusty Reynolds - at least he agreed to take the case on a contingency basis because Lord knows I don’t have any surplus funds to pay towards attorneys’ fees. I was seriously injured in this accident and even though I was willing to let things go as long as my medical expenses were covered and my vehicle replaced, now that they’ve come after me I must defend myself - and, as my attorney said, the best defense is a strong offense. It is my neighbor who is indulging in a frivolous lawsuit, not me. (I had sent a message to my former SIL - a FL family law attorney - to see if she had any referrals for me from her relatively brief time in N TX but of course I never hear from her unless it’s something that SHE needs…)

The irony, don’t it burn?!? As if I don’t have enough drama going on in my life - I have failed to deal with the obstacle of the Obstinate Financial Advisor (the one who has been insisting on my poor confused mother’s authorization on disbursements), but here we go again!

Her assistant called Mom first thing in the morning for “permission” (nevermind my medical & legal POA’s) before I had a chance to prep her, so she said “No” when asked… Damage was done, when I called her to explain what I was trying to do (90-d discount has expired at new AL facility, since we’ll now be running at a small deficit I wanted to transfer a small sum to her savings account, from which I could withdraw as needed) - all Mom heard (in her mind) is that Evil Daughter is trying to steal more of her money! 🤦‍♀️

Melissa (financial adviser) said she needed a competency letter from mom’s doctor - fine! And amazingly enough, his nurse had that to me that very day - I forwarded it on to Melissa, should have been 1 problem solved, at least.

But when I called Ms Thang to confirm she had received my email, the first words out of her mouth were: “Do you WORK with Dr Williams?” which caught me too off-guard for a snappy reply**; I replied no, Dr Williams is the physician who covers Arabella!

So Melissa feels morally obligated to “take this up the chain” to speak to her supervisors?!? As I said, the whole exchange was so shocking, I could only mumble “Alright”

** what I should’ve said: No, Melissa, I am a veterinarian - we don’t form partnerships with human physicians!

The more I think about it, the madder I get - I want to yell at her to mind her own effing business! I’ve been dealing with my mom’s slow decline for almost 4 yrs, she has NO IDEA. Mom is refusing to bathe now, locks herself in her room and barely goes out. Absolutely infuriating for Melissa to insert herself in the middle. As soon as I am granted full control I’m transferring that account.

So last night as I was shuffling through the pantry I found an old packet of one of my herbal formulas “Hypnotic” - so I mixed up a dose and drank it at bedtime. It might’ve helped a little bit  -  I didn’t have any prolonged awakenings but still tossed and turned quite a bit.

Sleep Analysis

 My 3-day leap across 5 time zones still has me a little messed up. I seem to be using my FitBit (souvenir of my graduated-exercise study) mostly to squint at my sleep patterns - but I really couldn’t say whether this is helpful, or my own version of obsession? On the night I flew to London, my device reported that I napped for 2 hrs 45 minutes which fits my miserable memory of trying to sleep crammed into a middle seat (I had failed to grab my neck pillow) with my neighbor on the aisle getting up multiple times for what I can only presume were GI disturbances. I certainly didn’t achieve any deep restful sleep, but at least I kept really still and closed my eyelids.

These past few nights I’ve awakened between 2 - 4 AM, with harder than usual struggles to get back to sleep. It’s nothing new for me to have to get up for potty breaks of course, and general insomnia has been my cross to bear for many years. Just a few more things to worry about these days - my contractor has not shown up to work this week so we’ll see if anything happens today? (In all likelihood I’m going to have to fire him and take him to court for breach of contract). I also have to hire my own defense attorney about the car accident I had almost 2 years ago since my neighbor found an ambulance-chaser to sue everyone and everything, so I’m a named party in his $2 million lawsuit which greatly exceeds my ordinary insurance coverage. Fan-fucking-tastic!!! I’m surprised the silly son of a bitch isn’t suing the Texas Department of Transportation over the guardrail that I bounced off of which caused me to hit his vehicle -if it hadn’t have been there, I would’ve just proceeded merrily over the crest of the hill down into the ditch.

Jet Lag R Us

 It’s currently 7:35 AM CST - I’m a little groggy & disoriented since I’m dealing with both jet lag and return to ordinary time (I feel like I’m dreadfully late as I look outside even though I have another blessed half-hour before I have to start figuratively saddling up…

Peran is already up in his office as I hear filtered conversations on his headset. Don’t know if it’s family matters or business, although most of his family convos have seemed to be by cell phone.

I’m still processing my quickest dash-across-the-pond to date; I’m glad that I went since my SIL Kate really seemed to appreciate my presence,  neither had the finality of Ken’s death sunk in so well with me as when I laid my hand upon his coffin, or noticed the gaping lack of his presence as the family gathered together. It was a hell of a wake! - we piled into Ken’s golf club after the service & pretty much took it over. Being a grayish drizzly weekday, there certainly weren’t many golfers venturing out.

I didn’t get to read the pathologist’s report but of course Kate had questions for me: Ken had 2 myocardial infarctions secondary to left ventricular hypertrophy. So in essence I could compare him to a cat, since cardiomyopathy can similarly strike dead these individuals with few premonitory signs… and Ken had shared no symptoms with Kate - at this point, she’s most concerned for her children’s future health. I explained bloodwork may be helpful but an echocardiogram is the best diagnostic test. When we got back home, I asked Peran what action he was going to take - he shrugged and said he would take his doctor’s  recommendations as his next check-up is coming up soon. So what am I, chopped liver?!? Peran did hold my hand at the funeral as he shed a few tears, but other than that he remains his usual non-communicative self. We shared a bed at our hotel for 2 nights (Wednesday & Thursday) then of course we flew back home Friday. He turned his back to me each time - I don’t know what to say or do? Of course Wednesday night he was emotionally wrung out - he was also irritated by the fact that Zach called me at 3 AM to tell me our Rangers had won the World Series! So I’ll just dump my photos here and contemplate life, the universe, & everything in my meditation sessions.

                 Our family photo from Cape Cod trip 4 years ago

                 The brothers circa 2017 as this was one of the last photos with their ailing mum

          Tommy’s friends clustered around him on terrace of golf club (between raindrops)

              I had a solitary beer to celebrate my Rangers as hotel showed highlights of the Series

                        The vegetation at the club was gorgeous - you’d have loved it OJ!

                                  The sun peeked out again as we awaited our return flight