Bell Wether

(Seems an apt description for someone trying to steer a friend in the right direction while mostly being ignored - alternative title: “Those Were the Days”)

I met KM at one of my Saddlebag rides “back in the day” (early 90’s): B.Z. & B.C. (Before Zach & before I owned the clinic) I actually had Thursdays OFF, free to do as I wanted - so of course what I wanted to do was go ride with my friends! The Saddlebags were a riding group who rotated between different sites in Kaufman County for the most part - a bit of a drive for me but well worth it for the camaraderie…

I learned that Karen lived in Red Oak (much closer to me), so we started riding together at other times & of course I introduced her to endurance riding. When we first met, she was riding a tall, leggy Appendix QH mare named Lucky but she soon went out & bought herself an Arabian for the long-distance rides. Both of us were childless at the time, so we racked up quite a bit of mileage in competition as well as pleasure rides…

At any rate, the years have passed, we’ve both built our families & rarely get the opportunity to ride together anymore. Karen gave up endurance riding after she had her first child, but acquired several more horses & ponies as her own “primaries” aged out & her family expanded. While I’ve maintained an overflowing barn between my competitors, rescues & prospects…

About 10 yrs ago, Karen bought a mare & her 4-yr old colt in a pseudo-“rescue” scenario - I’m sorry, but when good amount of money changes hands, I consider that a slick deal vs a “rescue” (she only “rescued” that lady’s bank account). I gripped my forehead when I saw this pair, as they both were splay-footed, walking conformational nightmares - I wouldn’t have taken them on a bet! The mare had colicky symptoms almost every time she was worked so she was soon “retired”, Karen couldn’t afford to invest in a workup, & the poor creature finally dropped dead - sparing Karen the expense of euthanasia but not that of burial (of course she was her teenage daughter’s favorite; just a bad scene all the way round!)

So now Karen is left with Chrome (the colt) - at 14 yrs of age, he should have long ago outgrown gaited horse “clumsiness”. I am convinced he has some sort of neurologic condition - whether that is “Wobbler’s”, which is set of deformities affecting the cervical vertebrae (a birth defect which gets worse as they age), or EPM, a parasitic disease that attacks the brain & spinal cord - we may never know bcz there again, Karen cannot or will not invest in a workup. Believe me, I get it! - horses are an expensive hobby, just in routine maintenance alone. But I also can tell you right now if one of mine is lame (I’m looking at you, Scarlett & Kizzy!), they will either be retired permanently as pasture ornaments or euthanized in the case of dear Moonie, who became unbearably crippled.

It scares me to death to see Karen ride Chrome bcz he will stumble on flat level ground - it’s a good thing she never wants to go faster than a walk these days… It’s been almost 2 yrs since she went on one of our big group trail rides in East Texas where I was seriously worried if she was going to get him out of the woods safely. Of course Karen defends her choice by saying he’s her “favorite” but to me it’s nerve-racking! I realize it’s 100% her choice but I’m not going to facilitate it - we can have our future meet-ups at a restaurant or other social occasion. Maybe that’s harsh of me, but to me it’s looking more & more like a case of “play stupid games - win stupid prizes”. Equestrian sports are risky enough, even with a horse who’s 100% sound.

Cinco de Mayo

 (an easy choice of titles today, even as I contemplated something more esoteric)

The downside of being in this veterinary bidness for so long is that I’ve been through multiple episodes of “Watch puppy (or kitten, or foal) grow up, grown old, & eventually require euthanasia”. Last night was a rough one, even though I knew it was coming. I’d made several house calls over these past several months, delivering medications as Patricia could no longer get her aging, crippled old Labrador loaded in the car. 

I learned of another complication when I got there: Patricia herself has had a minor stroke, so she’s had to start offloading responsibilities. Her neighbor to come over to help, thank goodness - with the husband utilizing his small tractor to dig Bear’s grave. She broke down weeping several times as poor ol’ Bear staggered over to try to comfort his mama. (Patricia lost her husband several years ago to COPD & heart failure, but I remember how proud they were of their chocolate Lab - all Bear had to do was cough, shake his head or scratch a body part too aggressively & they’d have him through my door! Granted, he did have chronic allergies & ear infections)

Thankfully the procedure itself went smoothly: I sedated Bear, he laid down on his dinosaur blanket, I clipped the hair on his foreleg to give him the final IV barbiturate injection. No gasping, no paddling, no confusion - just a peaceful slide into oblivion. We bundled him into his blanket & dragged him across the grass to the gravesite. The grave was rather shallow but Patricia said she’s going to lay some pavers across it. Patricia has been proud of keeping her 6-acre ranchette by herself, but I fear she may soon have to move into a more constricted living situation…

(My retired groomer) Ashley has moved her grandma into Arabella, the assisted living facility where I had my mom for 2.5 yrs - so far it seems to be working well for them. WTH am I going to try to do for Mother’s Day? I’m exhausted just contemplating the effort to try to take my mom out, so it may be a sandwich tray & some cupcakes…

The Truth is Out There

Message reconstruction for my edification:

(First contact: 12/05/25)

Robert: Hi. How are you? I hope you are making progress on your fitness? How long have you been using your fitness pal? 

My reply: 12/10/25 (I had received several blind inquiries like this from guys on MFP which had me scratching my head - I’m there for accountability & moral/emotional support, not as a dating app! But I see no problem with having male friends…)

Hi Robert -

I crossed over to MFP after my SparkPeople website shut down, while it seemed to be the “next best thing”, it ain’t the same!

Same day: poor grammar, a little disjointed - had me wondering, bot or catfisher?? & I don’t have photos of ME on my profile unless he stalked me onto one of my groups? (How would he know I’m “fit & beautiful”?? Do you come here often?)

Sorry hear that and hope you will be making more progress soon. Little wonder you look fit and beautiful. I've been using mine for about some years now. Although I've been having issues with my device and have not been sleeping properly of late. Which device are you using for your fitness pal right now?

Me: Mostly I use MFP on my ancient iPad, although right now I am using my work computer (shhh, don't tell! but sometimes it's good to be the boss!) I have gotten up a little early these past 2 mornings to roll around on my yoga mat - nothing strenuous, just stretching out a bit...

(Same day reply:) Wow that's sounds good. I can see you pushing so hard to lose more weight. So tell me which device are you using for your fitness pal right now?

Me: Nah, I don’t have the stamina to go “all-out” anymore… I bought a new FitBit about 6 wks ago as my early Christmas gift; it seems to be “good enuff” for my purposes. My son had gotten me something fancier (whose name escapes me!) several months ago, but my iPhone is so outdated it couldn’t download the necessary app

12/11/05: That's okay. I think I might just have to get another device instead maybe Fit-bit. The Apple watch I use now frustrates me and I was being sincere. You still look fit and beautiful. Whatever you are doing sure is working. where are you from?

Me: Born & raised in Big D (Dallas TX). Returned to the S side - about 30 mi S of downtown (where H1 & I could afford some acreage to keep our horses at home w/us), but it’s easy enough to drive up into The Big City if we want to go shopping or partake of any cultural amenities.

I don’t appreciate the ever-growing traffic issues, but not enough to seriously contemplate pulling up stakes & relocating…

RJ: Texas is lovely. Actually I'm from Raleigh North Carolina but currently deployed in Iraq. I serve the US Army. Retire in a few months. Quite exhausting being here. What do you do. your profession? Does it really helps with your fitness routine?

12/12/25 (me): Wow, Iraq?!? Thanks for your service - just so happens that my stepson (another long complicated story - he’s not really my stepson, that’s just an easier designation than saying Alex is my son’s adopted brother on his dad’s side) is in the process of completing basic training at Fort Moore. I don’t have many details - he’s probably still angry with me! as I said, it’s a long complicated bunch of blended-family nonsense. I sent him a friend request but I need to go check & see if he’s blocked me (Alex has blocked my son as well as Z’s fiancée).

My ex-husband was an Air Force brat, but his parents divorced when he was 5. I ought to type all this up in a blog post since I’m frequently asked about Family History by my son…

Anyway, I am a veterinarian - predominantly small animals but I treat a few horses & goats & potbellied pigs which keeps life interesting 

RJ: Wow, I can understand completely how complicated a family history can be especially with a lot of moving factors and perhaps discounted emotions, but I just hope for peace in the family and that everyone reconciles cause no one really gains when the family is at odds with each other. At least I can tell from your right up that you have a good heart and you want to reconcile with him if he is open to it. I also think you have a lovely career. I’m sure you love what you do very much. I just hope it doesn’t get stressful for you sometimes. It’s a pleasure to know such a lovely woman as you. Are you still married now?

Me: Well, sure enough, when I logged onto FB I found that Alex has blocked me. I jokingly suggested to Peran (aka H2 - yep, I remarried!) that maybe Alex would accept HIS friend request, but he says he’s happy to not poke that hornet’s nest, to let sleeping dogs lie, or insert your favorite metaphor here… (He’s the guy who drove Alex to the airport when he left our household a couple of years ago. Let’s just say we all did not part on good terms! Alex had a lot of growing up to do - being in the Army may be the best possible outcome for him)

I may drop him a Xmas card in the mail which he’s likely to wing into the trash - I know Zach (my son) is done with him too. 

It’s all just so sad - I need to write it all out; that’s always been therapeutic for me.

I remember when my uncle came to see me in the hospital right after I gave birth to Zach - this grizzled rancher tenderly held my newborn as he told me: “Your family is everything - the most important thing in life.” And he’s right. Unfortunately he had a stroke & passed away when Z was 6 wks old.

RJ: I'm really sorry you're carrying this weight, especially around the holidays when family stuff hits hardest. It sounds like a deep, aching kind of sad the kind where you can still feel love for someone even though the bridge between you is burned. I actually lost my wife to Lekuemia [sp] some couple of years ago. Single father. How many are your kids?

Me: My deepest sympathy on the loss of your wife - that’s rough. I have one (human) son - Zach, age 27. 

Once again, that’s a long involved backstory - but when Z was born, my cousin bought him a tiny football jersey #23, bcz at that point we had 22 other dogs, cats, horses, donkeys, reptiles & 1 mule. 😉🤣

I see one child in your profile pic, is she your one & only?

Hubby & I are decompressing this evening by watching “The Menu”** which I find darkly hilarious. I have a love/hate relationship w/Ralph Fiennes - he’s either very very good or jaw-droppingly awful!

** definitely NOT a kid’s movie, but Z & I loved him in all of the Harry Potter films!

Postscript (12/13): My apologies - looking more closely at your picture I can see two kiddos!!! (I do need to go get the new lenses put in my glasses)

RJ: Yeah I'ma single father of two

Thank you so much, you are so kind. It's in the past now, life has to move on. I'm sure your kid (Adults now) is just as adorable as you are. I have two young kids. Struggled for kids for years before we got blessed with both. 15 and 12, their names are Oliver and Allison. Would have loved to send a picture but I'm not sure how to using this platform. I'm not so social media savvy. Are you on a better one like WhatsApp, Telegram or Google chat perhaps.

(& then I thought I pissed him off, didn’t hear from him for a week! I was wrestling with my conscience as to whether to switch platforms)

12/20/25, RJ: Good day pretty. How's your weekend going so far? 

12/21/25: Not feeling “pretty” this morning, I’m sorry to say - suffering a lapse in judgment & getting myself tossed, creating hardship & pain for Christmastime - was not on my game card! On the plus side - I met my friends for a nice ride yesterday, we had beautiful mild weather. But as for the negative - I KNEW those boulders were boogersome, we had ridden past ‘em twice! So what foolish impulse made me lope up to ‘em that 3rd time, tempting fate?!? Twoie dumped me, no doubt have some cracked ribs. This made for a miserable night, but I just took another handful of ibuprofen which will give me some relief…

RJ: Sounds good. Would have loved to send a picture but I'm not sure how to using this platform. I'm not so social media savvy. Are you on a better one like WhatsApp, Telegram or Google chat perhaps.

I went ahead & decided to take the plunge:

Maybe I’m techno-savvy enough to do this:

Nope, apparently not! (Trying to send QR code for Telegram)

But you should be able to look me up as Val Jaffe (no imagination; that is my real name ;-)

Profile picture is of me on my gray horse Twoie, wading in a creek

RJ: Aww lol. Your name is actually so cute. Love it. Just tried searching for it on telegram but couldnt find it. Perhaps you could search for me on @blessedone54 Please let me know if you seen it. I have a lion head on my profile

Since then, we have chatted intermittently on Telegram, but at this point it’s been 18 days since I’ve heard from him, I hope nothing bad has befallen him. No fool like an old fool!

A Useful Idiot

 (I originally had something else in mind, but this is what floated to the surface when I finally got to the point of sitting down to immortalize my thoughts - the title is what cranks my motor, after all!)

I got very little accomplished of what I had planned this past weekend: everything from my endurance ride Friday, to canceled plans with Tony Saturday, to not getting the blizzard of paperwork on my desk sorted out Sunday…

At least Wednesday went all right - this was Tony‘s actual birthday, so I spayed his dog & he hung out at the clinic with us. Took him to lunch at the pierogi place, got his ears pierced which was another BD gift from Auntie Val. I also gave him a substantial discount on Marigold’s spay. We went to dinner with Tony & his parents Wednesday night. I hauled up to horse camp Thursday in order to ride Friday & come home Friday night so I could take Tony to the Dallas World Aquarium on Saturday.

My ride was a bust since our weather turned hot as we dragged in OT yet AGAIN. I have a feeling I had a lot of company but I didn’t hang around to hear the ride statistics. Poor Chris’s gelding stepped off the trailer lame so she didn’t get to ride at all! At least she told me Corey was doing great & was so appreciative for him - he’s a great dog so he deserves this chance to be the center of attention, the “perfect farm dog”.

Unfortunately, Tony had to go to urgent care Friday with migraine-like symptoms so we did not go to the aquarium Saturday after all. I filled this gap in my social calendar by taking Lisa out for a slightly belated sushi BD dinner. (Her party was last Sunday afternoon - I showed up late as I was returning from the CT ride in Athens I had been judging)

& once again, time races away from me so I will have to tell you The Rest of the Story later

*****************************************

Boy howdy, did I titled this post appropriately! I was doodling around last night during my TV time fleshing out my story, & yet I lost it all when I navigated away from this page… Silly me - I really thought this ancient iPad had an auto-save feature?!?

ANYWAY - quick recap: I did my best to supervise Zach’s video games, reading materials, & activities growing up. Initially I was horrified by his fascination with Deadpool - a Marvel anti-hero if there ever was one - with his foul mouth & decidedly marginal ethics. Zach painstakingly explained to me that Wade Wilson (who had pre-existing mental health issues) had been driven insane in the process of becoming Deadpool. I came to an understanding of why Zach would admire him in view of his own topsy-turvy custody wars existence - especially during his last horrendous senior year when I lost custody after years of conflict. I took he & his friend Josef to see the Deadpool movie in the spring of 2016 - it was a small humorous light near the end of that awful tunnel.

I try to make the most of my drive time by listening to podcasts - one of my faves is The Cine-Files; their most recent episode was Deadpool. I’m feeling like a useful idiot myself, as the consensus from MD Anderson continues to be watch & wait. Dr Hu wants to see me in 6 mos but let’s face it, I’ll barely have this round of medical bills paid off by then! Methinks they’ll have to wait a year unless my condition precipitously deteriorates… 3 yrs until I’m eligible for Medicare - some nice folks in my thyroid support group offered suggestions, but unfortunately as a self-employed person who does possess the means I don’t think I’m eligible for much help. Here’s my post:

Whelp, it appears to be mostly good news following my recent check-up at MDA: “stable disease” with a calcitonin around 1800 & CEA of 8.3**. See ya in 6 mos!

The kicker is my share of these expenses appears to be $8100 (current insurance carries a $3500 deductible & I’ll have to verify percentages beyond that). Obviously not gonna get any real answers over the weekend so Val can just fret about it…

We won’t mention that it cost me roughly $2000 in travel expenses which of course came straight out of my own shallow pockets.

I’ll set up ye olde payment plan - I’d like to space this out over a year, so the math just ain’t quite mathin’!!!

Looks like Dr Hu won’t get to see me for 12 mos. Life’s too short & I don’t want all my discretionary spending to go towards health care.

Places to go & horses to ride!

** Clarabelle (my metastatic L collarbone tumor) actually measures smaller than she did in 2016 - she just appears more prominent bcz I’ve (deliberately) lost a little weight. It’s funny - I gained about 50 lbs post-thyroidectomy & bemoaned the difficulty in peeling off this avoirdupois… One clinician told me years ago that there’d come a time when I would lose weight unintentionally - the challenge would be preventing that. Maybe I’m at “that age”? I always said I really just wanted to get back to the weight I was when I lost my thyroid, which equals about 10 more lbs. Updates to follow!

Oh, I also find it strange that they advised me not to do any more hyperbaric oxygen treatments - so no answers for my worst issue these days which is exercise intolerance/shortness of breath.

(I’ve been diagnosed w/early COPD, so Nurse R throwing out horseshit about “working w/my PCP is nonsense)

“In general, light/low-intensity exercise is best with plenty of breaks and focused breathing.”

“We do not recommend hyperbaric oxygen treatments with our cancer patients. She can work with her pcp to find other causes of her shortness of breath but exercises as much as she can tolerate is a good start.”

The Edge of Forever

 Decompressing with my evening dose of Star Trek: in many’s estimation, their best episode - “The City on the Edge of Forever”… Now, if you must know - Val’s favorite episode (which is an extremely difficult choice, kind of like asking a mother to pick her favorite child!) would be “The Naked Time”, in which the crew is infected with a virulent “space virus” that strips one of all inhibitions. Star Trek remains my trusted “companion”, so to speak, echoing little nuggets of wisdom as I forge on in my day-to-day struggles.

There’s rarely enough time with my morning coffee & social media surfing to finish the story - but I also credit Cousin Joe & his wife Margie with giving me priceless sanctuary as a young adult. I made multiple “visits to the farm” over undergraduate college breaks - getting my head back on straight as I broke free from an abusive HS boyfriend. Side benefit was forging close relationships with their 2 young sons: half big sister, half auntie! The farm always needed subsidization - while Joe was always a tireless, competent steward, Margie completed her nursing degree to provide a steady underlying support system. This meant she missed out on a lot of her boys’ childhood, kind of a “same but different” version of my motherhood experience…

I’m feeling a little stressed as I’ve piled a little too much recreation/duty on my plate, between last month’s Louisiana ride & Shanghai, last weekend’s Mt Pleasant ride, the competitive trail ride I have to judge this weekend, & the Decatur ride weekend-after-next - I’m ready for a little downtime! Or as my husband wearily asks: “Where are you off to this weekend?!?”

Also struggling with a little existential dissatisfaction - Army Guy responded to me after a 12-d absence this time in such an unsatisfactory way that I plugged his text into an AI detector, it really makes me wonder sometimes? (There was no evidence of AI influence) Maybe it’s time to pull the plug on this ill-fated relationship? 

My Cup Runneth Over

 (I really do try to cultivate that “attitude of gratitude”, believe it or not! & not just complain all the damn time!)

This is easy when I am sitting in my recliner with a lap full of warm little dogs - a little harder when I look for the silver lining in my personal sacrifices… Last weekend for my long-anticipated Priefert Ranch ride, Catie’s mare came up lame so I wound up handing my reins over to Christina so she could ride Twoie while Catie piloted Baraq (I had brought Baraq for Christina to ride) & they could have a(nother) mommy/daughter ride… This seemed to be the best logical plan: my back has not been feeling too great & my lower right ribs have been giving me these painful spasmic “catches”, I suppose as they are in the final stages of knitting back together! At any rate, they had a good ride & then I loaded up Saturday evening to drive 40 miles NE to visit my cousins in Clarksville.

I grew up in a strange, kind of awkward spot in the family - my paternal aunts had gotten a big head start on my parents fertility-wise, so I was considerably younger than my first cousins. But I’ve always had a special fondness for my Cousin Joe - he took over the dairy farm when he was a young man; both he & his wife busted their tails for almost 30 yrs until they were bought out by eminent domain for one of our newest lakes in NE Texas, Bois D’Arc. Similar to the highway project that steamrolled my old clinic, this was a public works project that had been hanging over their heads for decades. I know I have posted about it in the past, here we go:

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/2024/08/the-buzzards-roost.html

But any rate it’s always great to spend time with family. Joe was fascinated by Tina Fea - I don’t think he had ever met a “purse dog” as I was toting her around in her little baby sling! (Of course I have taken small dogs in the past to the farm, but not one as fragile & ephemeral as Tina Fea) Margie had smoked a pork shoulder in their latest big auction find: a big commercial-style smoker. I slipped Tina Fea a few bites & Joe had to participate too as I regaled them with the saga of TF’s gallbladder. (Joe is also amazed by the investments people will make in their pets - lucky for me! - but he’s a hardscrabble farmer so the dollars & cents always have to add up)

Memento Mori

 Many memories were stirred up during my return to MD Anderson last week for my long overdue “10-point inspection”…

[Not-so-quick recap: over the winter of 1987 (age 23), I suffered through a case of the flu. Coincidentally, a lymph node on the mid-left side of my neck remained swollen. It was painless but mobile so I ignored it until the following winter when I went for my ob/gyn appointment - my doctor was alarmed. She referred me to an ENT who immediately wanted to schedule major surgery (L neck dissection w/muscle resection(s) but I respectfully declined, I needed to get myself through my final semester of vet school! Again - asymptomatic! No weight loss, no difficulty swallowing, no voice changes. I returned to College Station & saw another clinician at the Baylor Scott & White clinic. We proceeded with what I thought was much more reasonable: a stepwise plan. I underwent a series of scans (as I recall, chest radiographs followed by whole-body CT scans). These were non-diagnostic so biopsy of that troublesome but painless lymph node was scheduled…

This was done 3 days before my vet school graduation - therefore I was somewhat hollow-eyed in my pictures with stitches in my neck. BS&W misread those initial slides as “adenocarcinoma of unknown primary origin” - I’ll never forget the poor clinician lugging a stack of textbooks into the exam room to break this bad news to me! Initial prognostications gave me 6 - 12 months to live; kind of startling when you consider yourself a basically healthy 25-yr-old. I came home & kicked a hole in the sheetrock of our rental house out of pure anger & frustration (I did have enough good sense not to risk my hands by punching the wall) One thing for which I can always be grateful to my ex-husband is the fact that he uncomplainably fixed the sheet rock & then we sat down to figure out our own plan - he’s the one who suggested we seek a 2nd opinion at MD Anderson.

Their pathologists successfully identified my tumor as medullary thyroid carcinoma - I returned to MDA for surgery as well as my follow-up tests & care for the next 27 yrs. When the tumor in my left clavicle appeared (2016), I was prepared to take a sabbatical to have my radiation treatments back at MD Anderson - to this day I don’t know how the ball got dropped there? After I had already undergone the modeling/staging procedures, making my mask & everything - BCBS declined coverage, calling further radiation therapy “unproven & unnecessary”. Unbelievable that a $&#@%€ insurance company overruled MD-fucking-ANDERSON, the top cancer treatment center in the USA!!! Riddle me this, Batman - why did they approve my treatment at the Texas Center for Proton Therapy a few months later?

Anyway, in this case, life worked as it should - I was able to keep on working through my 5 wks of proton therapy, Clarabelle flattened out & everything‘s been good until quite recently, when I noticed a (thankfully painless) bulge…

So I decided back in January to try, try again to return to MD Anderson. The previous times they could not get my scheduling right (with appointments Thurs & Fri) - I had been told several times that Dr Hu didn’t consult w/patients on those days.

Luckily times have changed so I was able to schedule my consultation with her last Thursday morning - they went ahead & booked up my bloodwork & a full series of scans for Thursday, Friday & Saturday morning.
Dr Hu was terrific! I really liked her & it was a whole different “vibe” than all my years of butting heads with Dr Sherman (my previous MDA endocrinologist). And astonishing enough, she was really apologetic about the 10-yr gap in my care from MDA - even though, of course she had absolutely nothing to do with BCBS declining my radiation treatment or anything else!
She thanked me at least three times over the course of our conversation for returning to MDA… she filled me in on some of the latest research with some of the newer drugs, so I may not be completely opposed to these?**
I know I said I would never take any of these “latest & greatest” chemotherapy  drugs, BUUUUT…

 My calcitonin has crept up to 1700, but surprisingly Doctor Hu didn’t have a problem with my slightly high T4 or suppressed TSH. We shall see when they read out all my CT & MRI scans whether my spine, liver or that weird thing Dr Mangona (my TX Proton Ctr radiologist in Irving, the guy who managed my local radiation treatments in 2017) panicked about in my brain is anything to worry about? Dr Hu queried me closely about neurologic signs, which I have not had.
I was hoping to explain all this & talk things over with Zach, but Victoria came down with food poisoning so I only saw him for a few minutes on Easter Sunday to drop off their goodies. 
And it’s impossible to know if Peran has any interest or cares, quite frankly, but he kept the animals fed & alive while I was gone so there’s that. Obviously I still need his help if I want to stay here on the farm.

** obviously the restriction will ultimately turn out to be my goddamned insurance company since it’s 3 more years until I qualify for Medicare

Flesh & Spirit

 (I just submitted my entry for our ride weekend-after-next so Val can try, try again to finish a 25-miler within the allotted time limit of 6 hrs. Just another case of the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak)

And as I did a quick review of My Latest News, I see that I failed to complete "the rest of the story" for my 3/16 entry: it was a damned shame as well as a disappointment to haul all the way to SE Louisiana, only to come in overtime on mine & Catie's ride. We had missed trail several times - those piney woods are a warren of interconnected paths & in the end, I could not "keep up the pace" so we trudged in 20 min overtime.

It took me two tries to swing my saddle up onto Twoie last Sunday… I’m glad no one saw me fail on the first attempt! I can kid myself all I want to that I was a little fatigued from a full day’s work on Saturday, but let’s face it, my physical condition is deteriorating. I contemplated not riding at all, which tells you all you need to know about my mental state - but finally compromised on a single-loop Intro (11 miles) since I had a long haul home. At least She Who Shall Not Be Named was not there - nor was she at the Louisiana ride, thank God! Hopefully she’s getting fatigued by long hauls also…

I started out with the 3 other Intro riders, but Twoie decided he needed to tank up at the first water stop, so we were alone for the rest of the ride. This was good & also not-so-good: as Twoie has gotten more fit, he has also gotten better at spotting boogers, so it would seem! There was a large mud patch beyond the second water tank caused by a leaking water line - Twoie did not want to get his dainty little hooves muddy, but I selected a stick & after a brief discussion, I persuaded him to cross it. When we got down to the most scenic portion of the ride (in the woods by the Colorado River), he saw a deer a couple of hundred yards up the trail - he froze to study her for a few minutes, but then when two more deer walked out of the woods, he almost lost his mind. I managed to hold him steady & when they had moved on, we did too. Then, when we turned the corner to hit that final long straight stretch back to the ranch house, there was a shirtless jogger churning toward us: somebody’s boyfriend had come out to visit & decided to check out the trails on foot. Twoie just needed a good long look at him before he decided Kenny wasn’t that big of a threat. 

But then we came upon last, but not least, some white plastic culvert pipes that were upended by the side of the road - we had to make a detour out into the field to give these scary things a wide berth! So at the end of our a little 11 mi,  2.25 hr excursion I was tired & Twoie had worked up a good sweat. We both had a little rest period before I loaded up to head on back home…

I returned Cicero the rat snake to his native lands - I gave show n' tell talks to horse camp folks Friday night, & a 2nd presentation to the Boy Scouts on Saturday night

Cindy turned over ride management duties to Leslie so she could "ride her own ride". This was Cindy's first completion of a 25-mi ride since the motorcycle accident that crushed her L foot 4 yrs ago. A car pulled out in front of her & she had to lay her bike down to avoid a broadside collision, a gruesome injury!

               Cindy posted blow-by-blow photos on FB so I feel free to share them here

Unworthy

 My mother crammed my baby book to overflowing with every single bit of minutiae concerning my growth & development - however one part that made an impression on me was the meaning of my name: “Worthy”. I think it’s been an ongoing battle ever since, although in recent years it’s been more of a battle for simple survival than any real “tests” as far as proving myself…

“All My Husbands”: Peran continues in what I would call his long-term adoption of benign neglect - mostly ignoring me as he does his own things. He acted surprised when he announced he was going into town yesterday afternoon & I said I’d go with him - we then drove in complete silence, even though I joked with him a bit about my music selections (Oscar D'Leon if anyone's interested ;-). He dropped me off at Walmart while he went to the auto parts store…

My “trail husband” Sam was reclusive & withdrawn during our ride yesterday, even though he hugged me & greeted me effusively as he always does… He strode off ahead on long-legged Thunder & was obviously not interested in carrying on a conversation. Any ride is a good ride although I was stiff & sore as I fought an intermittent headache yesterday. (I came home to crash in the recliner for an hour & a half to take a brief nap, which is why I think Peran was surprised when I said I’d go to town with him)

And my Army Guy is lost in the ether - while we routinely have been going three or four days between Telegram messages, it’s been 10 days now & I have to admit I have no idea what’s going on…Is he dead,  is he injured, or has he just gotten tired of our little pen-pal relationship?? Let’s face it, it was pretty one-sided because I seemed to be giving him a lot more insight into what makes Val tick then vice-versa. He claimed to be a 56-year-old widower whose wife died of leukemia, but I heard few details as to who’s raising his kids, for instance? He sent me a few scattered pictures of them at various ages…

And in other news, Andy has extended an olive branch (apparently) with a Facebook video which I have not watched yet. I’m gonna let it sit. Overall I’m convinced text messaging is a horrible way to communicate!

Robert has sent me several photos of him & his kids at various points in their lives - this is the most recent, but when I asked where they were, he did not answer. He says he's from NC

Three Dog "Morning & Night"

 86° yesterday afternoon, yet 37° this morning - welcome to Texas, in other words!

I called up Aphrodite for her first feeding of the season just before I took Catie back to the clinic to collect her bunnies & hand her off to her mom. Couldn’t convince Christina to slow down for a few minutes to grab a bite, but I had made us a family brunch yesterday which was nothing fancy - bacon & eggs! I had given some thought to making biscuits, but we had bagels & French bread that needed to be consumed. Peran seems to appreciate our little slice of pseudo-family time so there’s that…

As hard as it is to disentangle myself from these three precious little dogs, I must get back to Real Life.

Gingerly rubbing my L eye - I have a nice shiner where Twoie ran me under a branch! But it honestly looked like purple eyeshadow, tempting me to smack my R eye ;-)

This is Twoie bravely leading across the scary metal bridge from 2 wks ago on my trail ride

                                           The piney woods of SW Louisiana (Sat morning's start)

 

Oh, remembrance of things past! (you can see from the ride times that these were technically difficult trails; a fast, race-paced 50 miler might finish in less than half that time)

Unfinished Business

 (I just checked my pO2 to see if this forgetfulness* of mine, which seems to be worsening here recently is related - I don’t think it is because my pO2 is 96 right now, oftentimes when I check in in the evenings after hard day’s work, it’s 93 or 94 but I can raise it to 95–96 with a little deep breathing)

* I sat down with my coffee after a brief scan of ye olde social media & then forgot my title, which to me is the most important part of getting my writing juices flowing

At any rate I guess I’m just fatigued - while I’m glad I went ahead & hauled home last night, again it was a lot of work & effort when, in the end we came in overtime. Ugh! At some point it will reach a point of diminishing returns, especially with diesel hovering close to $5/gallon - ouch!!! This translated into roughly $200 in fuel costs for our 500-mi haul. When I add up the fuel, the food, the horse motel stop we did Thursday night**, & our entry fees, this little weekend jaunt cost me just under $600 - that’s presuming the relief vet that I hired to hold down the fort for me Friday paid for herself (I’ll have to look at those figures mañana). At any rate, it’s only money ain’t it?!?

** it was “only” a 6-hr haul, so I decided to break up the trip Thursday by hauling roughly halfway, stopping at an RV park in East Texas which had a nice little rustic barn. I contemplated doing the same thing last night, but I’m glad Catie pressed me to come on home - she’s sleeping in this morning, but I’ve already got the trailer unhitched & the first load of laundry going

& now “the rest of the story” - we have not had a endurance ride in Louisiana for 20 years. At that prior event, I rode good ol’ Quigley, while Christina rode Zach’s awesome little red mule Midge. Midge powered on through, finishing just under the time limit but Quig & I got pulled for lameness. I also had Zack that weekend - at 7 yrs old, he was not quite ready to do a 55-miler so I just took he & his friend Willy so they could play & explore those piney woods… The trails are sandy loam with a lot of zigzagging in & out of creek beds, interspersed w/old railroad berms. These trails are shared with a dirt bike club, if that tells you anything about their technical nature - in other words, fairly tough!

So I’m proud of Twoie & Baraq for powering through yesterday - even more so of Catie, who was worried about doing 25 miles when she hasn’t ridden much recently! (She did great, fueling up on milk & cookies during our break) I’m going to finish my coffee & go generate some breakfast for us; we’ll meet her mama at the clinic this afternoon to do the handover so she can take her bunnies home - I spayed & neutered a pair for her. Photos to follow!

In the meantime, let me see if I can post a video link of my friend Kathy’s -

https://fb.watch/FSyrU0ZOy-/?fs=e

 

Springing Forward

 (Which in my case is more like plodding wearily forward, but hey, at least I’m still moving!)

This spring time change always hits me much harder than “falling back”… I was at my long-anticipated Shanghai trail ride - purely a social event, not for any points or mileage. Still a lot of work & a lot of driving - I don’t know how much longer the benefits will outperform the wear n’ tear? It was great to see all my friends, not to mention my friend Tina was effusively thankful that I hauled dear ol’ Silas to be her mount. Silas himself was proud of being selected - he’s such a good, unassuming, quietly competent gelding! Mr Twoie performed admirably also - I don’t seem to be able to share the video clip of him leading the way across our last obstacle, the scary metal bridge! but I took a couple of screenshots that I will add later. Fearless Leader Cindy’s horse balked, her granddaughter’s did the same - dear Twoie sidestepped right around to pick up the lead.

And Saturday night, I saved a life when I almost stepped on a juvenile rat snake who had apparently gotten accidentally backed over in the driveway. He got a little “squished” with some head trauma & broken teeth but thank goodness it was mostly soft sand. I brought him home with me for treatment but I should be able to return him to his home turf at the end of this month when I go back for our endurance event at Pierce Ranch.

                                             The beautiful Pierce Ranch at sunrise

                                            The Dirty Dozen before our final obstacle (the metal bridge)

                                                   Cicero the Texas rat snake

Retail Therapy

 I am abashed to admit that I was not really looking forward to my “Girl’s Day Out” Saturday with my friend Janay & her daughter. Janay & I are fellow veterans of ye olde custody wars: we met as fellow victims of an unscrupulous custody evaluator who had a real axe to grind against mothers! (Out of a group of five, I was the only one who retained primary custody; his actions were truly unethical & horrifying) I’m thankful we were able to band together, file complaints, testify at a board hearing & get that man disqualified from performing custody evaluations…

Janay & I have stayed in touch; in many ways we continue to deal with the repercussions of our family implosions decades after-the-fact, trying to help our children as we handle our own issues. Are the kids all right? For now, things to be seem to be headed in the right direction.

Anyway we met for brunch & set off from there to go to good ol’ NorthPark Mall (Janay & I have such fond memories of this mall from our own childhoods; it was one of the first in the Metroplex!) & do some “retail therapy”. I bought some jewelry: a necklace & earring set for Ashley as she is retiring after 28 yrs of grooming dogs for me! We are having a big “clinic family” dinner Wednesday night so Dr M & her husband can attend. I was contemplating how “the joy is in the giving” as I also bought little stuffies for a couple of my employees’ kids & thank-you cards which I need to pass around. Then I came across these great thoughts from Dr Deb as I skimmed FB this morning:

I write because it is therapy for my brain and helps me make sense of what I see and do everyday and it helps me grow as a human.  I write because I have been there and done that and if my story helps someone not make the same mistakes I have made than it was worth the time to write.  I write because if we never share what we have learned then we are responsible for the future generation’s failures.  I write because then people can read or not read and hopefully if they do read they will open their mind up to consider what and why they do what they do and maybe learn from my mistakes or lessons.  I write in hopes that one day my children will read my writings and learn from my mistakes and not have to go through the same struggles and stupidity lessons.  I do not want to be doing the same things and acting the same way a year or five from now because growth is constant and if we never do any self inspection, we never grow and who wants that life?!

                                            The Three Muskateers juicing up!

                                              (I wish my baby would still hold hands w/ME ;-)

                                                       The stuffed toy

                                      A real nudibranch (Addyson really loves 'em)

Reassessment

 I know full well it’s flu season; Covid continues to circulate as I do my best to avoid “the crud”. Poor Peran was in the early stages of what Dr Val diagnoses as the flu (not that he’ll go to a clinic & be tested for anything!?!), while Victoria appeared to be in the final stages of her illness in Vegas. (Zach called me once while they were on their honeymoon, and I didn’t get to talk to them very long when I delivered Tyson back to his parents Monday night** but he didn’t mention any further complications secondary to illness?)

What’s more disturbing is the fact that, for whatever reason, Andy has determined that I am the source of all bad things?!? While Andy behaves like your prototypical irascible old Jewish guy, I have a soft spot in my heart for him because he reminds me of my ex’s stepfather, with elements of M’s adoptive father mixed in… Andy had a meltdown at Zach (fortunately none of his ire was directed MY way at that time!) Saturday night as we were trying to line up an Uber back to the Wynn hotel. Zach had called an Uber for he & Victoria (the newlyweds!!!) while Andy saw absolutely no reason we should not carpool. Peran escaped the chaos early on & set off to hike what was about 3/4 of a mile back, but I was tired, my knees & lower back hurt, & most of all I was worried about getting Adela safely back as her cane had disintegrated - she cannot afford to fall again. Everything had seemed to work out as Zach’s Uber was a big Suburban & we were all able to pile in…

I thought it had all worked out, but apparently Andy continues to hold some sort of grudge against me?!? He was texting me both Sunday night & Monday, asking about me bringing Tyson home - Adela was going over to their house to feed the cats (which was great, one less thing for me to worry about!). I assured him Tyson was fine & we were treating his ear infection besides - somehow the text messages darkened that Adela had gone to feed the cats, clean the house & do some laundry, but now she was sick in bed. I mentioned “the crud” going around, with Peran being sick & suddenly Andy accused me of wishing for “mission accomplished” if Victoria had been too sick to carry on?!? No, it didn’t make much sense - I will try to post the text string to see if it’s just me? But honestly I think it’s just more proof that text messaging is a horrible means of communication - you cannot infer humor, sarcasm or almost anything else!

(upon review, the flaw appears to be in my use of emojis - Andy was texting me over the course of a busy busy Monday, so at one point I sent a short string of emojis instead of a verbal reply: zany + ROFL in 2 iterations. Looks like I've fallen victim to that old canard that Boomers don't understand emojis! I wasn't "laughing" about the illness being spread around; nor was I pleased at the fact that poor Adela was sick - this was in reference to what I perceived as Andy's joke about it being some sort of "Texas tradition to pass around the crud"... Ai yi yi!)

** I drove up to Dallas to deliver Tyson Monday night - the hilarious thing is, Zach went to the back door of my car & Tyson growled & barked at him! Talk about not being able to infer meaning - I joked to Zach that Tyson had become a ladies’ man, but guess what? he didn’t reach in the back of my car to grab his leash! I got T out, he finally recognized daddy but seemed much happier to see Victoria. I wouldn’t take any chances with a big dumb 90-lb pitbull either 😳

Definitely my error came in the form of using those darn emojis; Andy thought I was amused at Adela's illness when those were in reference to "passing around the crud" as a Texas tradition... Oh well - our communication has gone dead silent so we shall se if he says anything on the next occasion that I see them (which probably won't be until the end of April for Victoria's BD)

Vegas Photo Dump

 (while I have been forbidden to post photos on social media, surely I can share a few w/y'all here!)

                                                      The majesty of Hoover Dam

                                                     Tina Fea Does Vegas :-)

Everything Everywhere All At Once II

 (I knew I had previously utilized this title; here’s Entry the First:)

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/2024/01/everything-everywhere-all-at-onc.html

It feels as if the weight o’ the world is upon me this morning, as I slump exhaustedly in my chair - trying to juice up for another busy day in the aftermath of getting the kiddos hitched…

“How was it?” everyone asks, as I admit there was a little drama (not on my end!!), but overall I think it worked out just fine. While Z & V had originally planned to just elope by themselves, somehow it metastasized into a party of 11: Peran & I, Victoria’s parents & grandparents, her dad’s buddy “Big Joe” & his wife, & last but not least, Z’s best man & former roommate Josef. As things seemed to be spiraling out of control last weekend - Z & V were understandably upset at the inclusion of Big Joe & his wife - I asked Z how I could help? He asked me to buy Josef an airline ticket, which I promptly did. We scooped Josef up on the way to the airport & folded him into our lil’ family group; he is another unofficial nephew after all! (Several people presumed that he was Zach’s brother)

Zach had been tied up at work in OKC all of last week & didn’t get home until Thursday night, so the bride & groom didn’t fly to Vegas until Friday. We had already booked our departure for Thurs, so Jo & I drove out to see Hoover Dam Friday morning - it was awesome as always! (Josef had never ventured out to behold it on his previous Vegas excursions) We met up Friday night for dinner (more minor drama as V’s grandparents felt excluded; of course they were since Z made a faux pas by failing to invite them?!?)) & were given our marching orders to meet at Z & V’s hotel (the Wynn) at 4 PM Saturday to board the party van that the Two Joes (V’s dad & Big Joe) had booked for the wedding party…

On Saturday, we passed the time by going to the Mob Museum which was interesting & informative - also jam-packed for their half-price "celebration" of the Valentine's Day massacre (NV residents were free, all else were half price). I picked Z up a copy of Frank Calabrese's book; he was there for Q & A's & to sign copies. Minor stress as we gathered our party together Sat afternoon, but in the end we all made it onto the van without a hitch. Elvis did his thang & we went back to the Strip for a couple more hours until our celebratory dinner at another fine dining establishment at the Fontainebleau.

Dear Tina Fea was an awesome lil' traveler; but she was so excited upon our return Sat night as she ran about & spun in circles that she made herself vomit! Good thing I had a few bites of leftover steak for her ;-)

And that, as they say, was that - we flew back on Sunday as the kids continue on their honeymoon to San Diego! I'll post some photos when technology cooperates & I have a few more free moments.

Disgruntled

 … is what best describes my mood this morning. Overlying (or underlying?) everything is my low-grade malaise as I recover from the crud that Misti shared with us all last week. 

My original plans to take Victoria out for a “dinner with the old married ladies” had to be scrapped with Misti being sick, Kristy tied up in her own family drama, & Amber having her own date-night plans, so I wound up just taking the kids out to dinner myself which was very nice - how can I refuse Mijo when he invites himself?!? On Saturday I laid low, fasting & drinking lots of vitamin C, & on Sunday I went for a short ride. Dear Tony will always be that glass half-empty kind of person - we had a challenge getting Katie-mule loaded, nor he did enjoy riding her! Yet he has invited himself to my next endurance event in two weeks - we should be able to just share Twoie: he’ll ride him on Saturday, I’ll pick up his reins Sunday… Go Twoie!!! Gotta make hay while the sun shines!

I was a little peeved that I did not get an invite to my trail-riding buddy’s Super Bowl party, makes me feel as if Val is fine for hitting up for free veterinary advice, but when push-comes-to-shove I’m out in the cold like the little match girl. In all likelihood, I would’ve declined the invite anyway since I don’t wanna expose anyone to my crud - but it would’ve been nice to have been asked…

Now I will sulk my way into a shower & get on with my Monday - I can’t believe my son’s wedding is less than a week away! I wrestled myself into my shapewear yesterday and pronounced it acceptable if not ideal…

Never miss an opportunity to see my kiddos; I only hope I didn't expose them to my crud!

I offered to loan Victoria these replica Jackie Kennedy pearls which were my grandma's; she loved collecting Franklin Mint's offerings! If Victoria really likes them, I'll probably gift them to her since I think I've worn them perhaps twice since my grandma's passing in 1999...

& here's another candidate for the "something borrowed" category: the hand-sewn wedding bell which Peran's mum made for me to carry along with my bouquet when we were married...

Total Recall

 (Love the original Schwarzenegger flick, never even bothered to try to watch the remake! Occasionally get sucked into the debates as to whether the whole thing was, in fact, “just a dream”)

But a dream/imagination sequence that left a lasting impression on me was the boy who lost his Red Pony - anyone else scarred by that film??? Nevermind that it’s considered another one of Steinbeck‘s masterpieces, that scene where Jody imagine his poor pony trying to fight off the buzzards - when in fact he has already died, escaping from the barn to collapse in the field - gave me nightmares as a child. And what did that poor pony die of? Strangles - something that is part of our routine vaccination package these days. It’s such a nasty disease that even despite vaccination, some animals still are infected…

Anyway, I had to face my nightmares yesterday when I had to put out a round bale for the horses. Dear Moonie had a “Tibetan sky burial” since I was unable to secure the services of a gravedigger. While I could not bring myself to go inspect what 2 weeks of time, decay, the elements & scavengers have wrought upon my baby, I couldn’t help but see the high arch of his rib cage out of the corner of my eye. Circle of life, my ass! In a few more weeks, I may take the wheelbarrow & gather up a few bones to bring up the hill & inter by his mama. It’s the least I can do.

Alternative Realities

 (Started to type “Endings”, but even as rotten as I’m feeling these days, I think I am years away from that clearing at the end of the path)

I do need to sit down in a meditative stance - for me these days, that’s in the recliner with my lap full of little dogs! - and think seriously about what the hell I am doing here? While I keep on setting these micro-mini goals for myself: Z & V’s wedding, upcoming rides - on a day-to-day basis, it’s a struggle & I must admit, I’m not enjoying this phase of my life. Chronic illness is a B*I*T*C*H as I stagger around with worsening shortness of breath. I went ahead & made an appointment  at MD Anderson after a 10-yr boycott, bcz they're the only place w/a comprehensive care team where I feel as if I might get some answers (even if they're unfavorable ones)

I’ve contracted with one of these tax abatement attorneys - finally got a huge batch of paperwork together & mailed it in yesterday. Let’s hope I can at least break even on this deal, but I’ve got to get out from under this suffocating feeling of failure - not to mention the fact I don’t want the IRS to start levying liens on my properties! This whole disastrous eminent-domain/relocation nightmare has almost demolished me but I’ve gotta find a way to crawl back to some semblance of what I thought my own version of “All Creatures Great & Small” might be…

Army Guy asked me what I might do differently in my life? I told him I couldn’t go down that path -second-guessing oneself is no way to live! Exact quote:

“Thanks for the acknowledgment, but I’m still angry at myself for getting so far behind the 8-ball!!! Procrastination is probably my biggest character flaw & I’m also real bad at second-guessing & what-iffing myself - “If only I had done X, Y or Z” but of course life doesn’t work that way. Maybe that reality is finally sinking in for me at almost 62 yrs of age!

The past cannot be changed, it can only be managed & if I hadn’t been an impulsive youngster when I married my first husband, I would never have gotten my wondrous son out of that raw deal. That long & winding road has brought me exactly here to this place in time** & I’ve got to figure out how to make the best of it…

** I don’t know how big of a sci-fi geek you are? but while Star Trek is my favorite, I’ve got to go back & re-watch Interstellar to figure out the wormholes. (A nearby theatre had a special showing last week, but the weather was still crap so I didn’t get out to see it)”

& now, like it or not, I’ve got to get on into work. Misti has already texted in sick 🤦‍♀️

The Everyday Miracle

 I came across this meditation on Twitter/X & found it quite profound:

I became a father yesterday.

My wife did this without an epidural. I watched her suffer in ways I will never fully comprehend, carrying a weight I could not share no matter how I tried. For nine months, I was present but powerless.

Pregnancy forced me to confront something modern life constantly tries to erase: you must wait. Painfully. Excruciatingly. There are no shortcuts to life. No hacks. No optimizations. Just time, and flesh, and blood.

Women bear the disproportionate burden of bringing life into the world. I still don’t fully understand why. Only that it’s true, and profound, and humbling beyond words.

I witnessed pain in its rawest form. À suffering that creates. That’s the poetry of it. Imperfect, brutal, but so precisely orchestrated that it cannot be coincidence. I saw Eden play out; the curse and the promise, together in one body.

There is no way you witness how life begins and conclude this is random. No way you watch a body break itself open to bring forth another person and think we are here by accident, that existence is a cosmic joke. The process is too terrible, too sacred, too exactly what it needs to be.

If everyone began life by witnessing a full pregnancy and labour, we would understand the weight of human existence differently. We participate in it, but we do so as children and forget. This is the passage. The one that strips away pretense and forces you to reckon with the fact that we are here for something.

I always assumed fatherhood would arrive in my thirties, after I’d figured myself out as robustly as I imagined I’d want, after life had settled. Instead, it showed up at 27. No warning. No badge of readiness. Just reality.

Two things haunted me throughout these nine months.

The first: What is a father?

For nine months, you wait for someone you do not know. You count weeks, feel kicks, watch your wife’s body transform and suffer, but the person at the center remains a mystery. I kept asking my wife, half-joking: Who the hell is this guy? He could be anyone.

That realization struck me harder than expected: the sheer nothingness of human fatherhood at the start. You don’t author a child. You don’t summon him by will. You are present, but not primary.

And that’s when it became clear.

There is a greater Father.

One who was with him in the womb when I was not.

One who willed him, shaped him, knit him together before I ever felt useful.

One who knew him before he was visible, before he was named, before he was handed to me.

Pregnancy made that impossible to ignore. It stripped me of the illusion of control.

A child is not a possession. He is a gift. And like all real gifts, he comes from Someone higher.

I’ve been able to slowly understand that parenting is not ownership. It’s stewardship. Helping this little man discover his real Father. The One who loved him before the foundations of the world.

And more than that, parenting is trust.

Trusting that the same God who found me in my confusion and chaos will find him too.

Trusting that I don’t have to be the savior to be a good father.

Trusting that my role is presence, love, discipline, humility. Not replacement.

I understand I am not the source. I am a signpost.

And strangely, that is very freeing. Because it means I don’t have to pretend to be God. I just have to be faithful.

So help me God.

*************************

Of course, this being Twitter, I had to skim the replies & came across this (who admittedly makes some good points) - I can relate to her bitterness & cynicism since I selected such a sub-par sire for my offspring:

Tell her congratulations on the safe delivery of her baby. As for weird, I find it extremely weird that you seem so eager to dehumanize her and diminish her gift to you. 

Your wife used her female body – the body that men, apparently you included, are so eager to objectify – to do something that no man is capable of doing, and never will be. For centuries, it was the only thing a woman could do that men would appreciate, but that’s neither here or there. 

The fact is that your child is a gift - not from God, but from your wife, born from the love she bears you – and you don’t seem to realize that. Male ejaculate is perhaps the most worthless thing on the planet on its own, but women take it and use it to create what most of us would agree is the most precious thing on the planet – a brand new human being. 

And to do this, we use the body that men have abused and objectified for as long as we’ve been human beings, and probably longer. The very thing that makes women vulnerable, we use to give men a gift beyond the price of rubies – a human child. It’s sad that so few men seem to care to understand or appreciate that.

******************************

I would have compared the priceless value of one’s own child to “diamonds” or “platinum”, but other than that, Diana is spot on - my ex made me feel so worthless by his rejection & focused cruelty, when I had made this ultimate compromise/sacrifice for him. I will never until the end of my days, I suppose? understand - it’s one thing for men & women to fall out of love, pursue other relationships, etc. What I cannot comprehend is how Michael was determined to injure & destroy both me & his own son in the process? There sits my primal wound, I guess.

My girl Kristy just became a grandma at the ripe old age of 36 (her stepdaughter had her baby Thursday). I hope all goes well for them - Who am I to question why baby daddy didn’t marry Kendal?!? I had been an old married lady for 13 yrs at the ripe old age of 34 when I had my son, & neither marriage nor social stigma shielded me from the fallout of my ex making an absolute ass of himself (I started to type “jackass” but that would be insulting to my beloved donkeys)

                                                             Kendal & Kollter

                                                            Poppy Justin

                                                       The Smiths

Nine Little Indians

 How strange it feels to be prepping eight buckets for my nine equines who are all in the barn now - Katie-Mule & Mr T (her little donkey friend, the “bonus”) having inherited Moonie’s stall…

I laid Moonie to rest 8 days ago, just ahead of our winter storm which basically shut North Texas down for 5 days (it blew in Friday night). We had to close Monday because I couldn’t get out of my frozen driveway; we re-opened late on Tuesday. Schools have been closed all week (with the refreeze last night, most schools extended their closure through today). Texas has just never established the infrastructure for dealing w/snow & ice - we’re lucky we didn’t have the power outages that plagued us during Snowmageddon in 2021! Zach & Josef lost power in Mesquite; they were burning scrap lumber in their inadequate fireplace - Zach says the only way they survived was staying bundled up on the sectional couch with their two big dogs & the three cats.

The popular hashtag for this year‘s winter storm is “Dallaska” - lots of videos of impromptu figure skating & hockey games!

Despite all this, Zach’s stern Swiss bosses dictated that he drive to Midland (about 330 miles away) Monday afternoon - once he made it out to the main highway, he didn’t have any problems. He came home last night, only complaining of the fact that Midland is not a desirable place to be! Desolate W Texas oil town w/limited amenities - “Never stay there, Mom! Cruddy roach motels!”

He’s going to have to work most of the week-after-next in OKC, but he’s told his boss he’s got to get away on Friday because we have that date at the little wedding chapel in Vegas! I’ve got to write out a new set of feeding instructions for the pet sitter…

Pyrrhic Victory

 It’s a cold hard fact of veterinary medicine (not to mention human medicine - no doubt this is part of the reason Victoria has had difficulty finding her niche in her nursing career) that “You can’t save ‘em all”

And ruthless Father Time is going to take every single one of them, sooner or later… I can’t dwell too much upon all my lost pets, family members, friends, acquaintances & patients or it’s just too damn depressing. But here goes another one - I have failed in my attempt to help Moonie along for what I hoped would be a few more years of relative comfort… The post-surgical complication I was warned about has occurred: the rupture of his deep digital flexor tendon in the right front. While a 3-legged dog or cat can adapt, a 3-legged horse cannot so I’ll have to make arrangements for him this week. I actually should’ve taken care of him yesterday but I was giving Zach an opportunity to come out & say goodbye to him…

Mijo stood me up - he has never handled death & dying well. I’ll let him off the hook one more time - it is only 4 weeks (3.5 wks actually!) until his wedding after all; we had a nice long phone conversation & he said he was dropping in on a friend’s birthday luncheon - obviously that took up too much of his precious weekend time! My snazzy purple boots came in - they are a little tight across the top of my crooked left toes - I want to see if I can devise some sort of stretching device to make them a little more comfortable.

But speaking of comfort, I was only comfortable for the first 15 miles of the 30-mi event I signed up for Friday - in retrospect, I should’ve kept marching along on Twoie even if we came in overtime! Instead I quit & came home to prepare to ride in the Fort Worth Stock show parade Saturday morning, where Twoie absolutely lost his mind! (I think it was the marching bands that did him in, although all the waiting around, stopping and starting didn’t help either!) We had our own personal escort of parade marshals because  they didn’t want to see that kind of stunt work in front of the cheering crowds downtown! 😜🤣

Seriously though, I did appreciate their help and as long as I could keep Twoie marching forwards,  he settled down so we just had to leave our little group behind and march on off into the midday sun as opposed to the sunset (The parade was at 11 AM; we made it back safely to my trailer around 12:20)

Obviously I took no pictures but there are lots of video clips floating around on social media - I kept on skimming to see if anybody had highlights of our rodeo preview 😉

(Another misrepresentation - I did take this preliminary photo of Twoie enjoying his cookie before the event!)