Darwin & Me

 Being “just a lowly biologist” at heart, I’ve always been an admirer of Charles Darwin. These days it seems even more appropriate, as both the great man and myself suffer(ed) from chronic illness. Darwin managed to change history and contribute to the advancement of science - what do I have to say for myself? But at least I can be encouraged by the fact that Darwin kept on working - so must I, so must I!

Days when I don’t have to set an alarm seem like a treat, even though I rarely sleep past 8 AM. Yesterday morning I awoke at 6:30 AM (had to urinate) but decided to lie back down… I fell back into a deep intense dream sequence but then the scary part was I didn’t seem to be able to drag myself out of bed; I dozed from 8:00 - 8:50 until I finally forced myself out of bed, feeling like some sort of a viral encephalopathy patient - one of the worst episodes of “brain fog” I’ve suffered. After my morning dose of caffeine I managed to get on with my day - doing a little shopping for my trip, settling the matter of Arabella with my mom (she’s going; I just have to set those wheels in motion - somehow I’ll get it all done), then going to pick up Mila the Burmese python’s new cage with Z & V**. I warned Peran I’d be late since the young man who built the cage didn’t want us to pick it up until 8 PM to give the last coat of varnish a chance to dry. (A funny moment when we pulled into his yard - he was inside the cage pulling out a little bit of scaffolding - it’s big enough to imprison a human at 8 x 4 x 2) I made it back home by 10 PM - in time to shower off, drink my tea, and fall into bed. Lather rinse repeat.

** at least during drive time I got to hear about V’s new job (rehab facility) - she likes it and I could see no signs that she was out of sorts with me? Otherwise, why would she want to ride in the truck with me for almost 2 hours - but what do I know, she may just have wanted to keep a close eye on Zach?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_of_Charles_Darwin

Time Warp

 I haven’t looked at my sleep stats from last night, and I don’t really want to - it was a weird one!

Tossed & turned with 3 trips to the potty - diuresis I suppose? My weight is down 2 lbs which I know is all bloat… but more distressing than my weak bladder is my mental state - each time I swam into consciousness, my brain kept insisting it was the weekend! I would remind myself  “No, it’s Wednesday!” while giving myself a mental pat-on-the-back for surviving yesterday (recap to follow, another challenging day!) - I kept reliving this time loop over & over & OVER again. 

Maybe my mind is finally broken from all the stress - yesterday we were shorthanded since my receptionist was out, her college-freshman daughter had some sort of panic attack so they were up most of Monday night? Typical Tuesday, double-booked on appointments with a full surgery schedule. Thank goodness our favorite pharmaceutical rep stopped by - he went & picked us up Chinese food which we had about 15 minutes to scarf down. During that mini-break, Kristy disclosed to me that (our receptionist) Amber has a drinking problem, there is turmoil at home and THAT is why their daughter is stressed out. Great, now I get to play counselor when Amber comes back! I’ve joked around for years that I should have an honorary psychology degree, between employee drama and all of the clients over the years who confide in us…

After work I raced over to Costco to meet my friend Sam & deliver a strangles vaccine for his young mare - they’ve had an outbreak at his boarding facility. (Another disadvantage of boarding - you have no control  over kind-hearted souls rescuing a sick animal, failing to quarantine it, and exposing your own to disease!) I made a quick run-through, buying that ubiquitous rotisserie chicken with a few other tidbits. I picked up a tri-pack of “Readi-Bake” sourdough loaves which I thought P might like - of course me too; is there anything much better than a fresh crusty piece of hot bread? I got home to find a partial loaf in the kitchen which P had brought home from HEB - great minds think alike!

My next challenge (outside of all of the usual: finding homes for snakes, clearing out Mesquite house, marketing the mobile unit & the surgery trailer) will be sitting down with my mom this afternoon to decide once & for all if we’re moving her to Arabella. Not exactly what I want to tackle at this point in time, but if she will consent to it I think it would be a much better situation for her. I’ll just have to hire in help from the nursing agency for those first couple of weeks. Where is my oxygen mask again? Oh yeah - it’s out there on the high desert plateau of Fort Stanton, I just have to GET THERE!

                                                        Bears revisiting 

1966

 57 years ago today, my second husband was born. I came across him this morning walking across the backyard in his underwear, drinking his first cuppa coffee - quite a sight! (Sorry, no photographs)

I was so wrecked when I staggered away from my clinic last night that I left his BD card on the corner of my desk, so last night I made him a homemade one - actually just a sheet of notebook paper with an apology and a voucher to take him out to dinner! But of course, tonight he has his fire department meeting - perhaps he will let me take him somewhere Wednesday night?

I’ve been a fire department widow for over a decade now - I don’t exactly recall when my dearly departed friend Ginger asked my permission before handing off her duties to my husband: “You know, this takes up a lot of time!” Which it does - all for a good cause as our rural volunteer fire departments are understaffed & poorly funded; Peran oversees several fundraising efforts each year just trying to keep things afloat.

But this has been good for Peran as well - I think it has anchored him in our community, given him a taste of public service - now everyone knows “the veterinarian’s husband”! Not to mention I get a small fraction of reflected glory for myself ;-)

A lot of things piling up on me now in this Towering Inferno of a summer. My mother seems to be acquiescing to my wishes to move her to the newer Arabella facility in Red Oak where I wanted her to go originally - she could still keep her little dog, but would be in the main building with a higher level of care, more or less “forced” into socializing since she’d have to go to the café area for her meals. It would mean downsizing to a studio apartment which she will regret, but I really think it’s for the best. The next challenge will be convincing her to transfer some funds for this operation - obviously I need to secure a financial power of attorney. This will be tonight‘s project since Peran will be tied up in his meeting. Step by step!

Abject Failure

 …was the outcome of Val’s Big Idea of  “an estate sale featuring ball pythons“; not one single person showed up Saturday morning - getting my weekend off to a grumpy start!

I am also grumpy because I don’t know why my son has ghosted me - it would’ve been less painful if he had let me down gradually rather than this abrupt apparent severance of relations? I’ll admit, I had gotten spoiled to all the extra time I got to spend with him during the pandemic -  in a way it felt like make-up time for all of his childhood that was ripped away from me: just hanging out, taking care of the critters, and the routine chores like shopping and so forth. I should be grateful for what I got, I know!

I delivered two nightstands and some clothes he had left at the Mesquite house which still appeared serviceable to me? Victoria never emerged from the bedroom and Zach gave me the bum’s rush after I visited my frog and the beardies. Then I drove home to be snubbed by a friend of mine who said she’d be available for dinner Saturday or Sunday, but had exhausted herself doing yardwork. The only positive thing to come out of the weekend was the fact that the next-door neighbor came over expressing an interest in buying the Mesquite house - if I could swing a deal with them, that would simplify things considerably!

Another large part of the problem is that I am stressed out and continue to be entrenched in my bad habit of eating my feelings - staggering around feeling like a dyspeptic Beluga whale doesn’t help anything even though I’ve only bloated up 5 pounds. The financial walls are closing in on me so I need to flip the house, put the mobile unit & the surgery trailer on the market, and get everything lined up for (hopefully) our move into the new facility by August. But the siren call of New Mexico beckons to me and I will not sacrifice that little trip. Maybe that’s bullheaded of me but there you go.

What Goes Around Comes Around

We finally got things lined up to take Karen’s daughter M to our favorite Thai restaurant up in the big city last night… She has been home almost a month, but is now planning to go back to MO (where baby-daddy & his family have relocated) on July 1st. “We haven’t gone riding!” M bemoaned last night, but she’s been busy visiting friends or in-laws whenever I’ve hitched up my trailer…

I badly wanted to ask M if baby-daddy plans to put a ring on it, but didn’t want to sour our festive mood, so Auntie Val kept minding her own business! (Baby A just turned 2, she shares a BD with my son so it’s impossible to overlook) I know the order of “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes X pushing a baby carriage” has been jumbled up - after all, I myself wanted to cohabitate with Michael back in our day, but my parents threatened to sever their support. It was like a shotgun wedding without the pregnancy  - but I know my mom endured scrutiny by several of her friends “if Val was pregnant?” since we had such a short engagement (Feb to May; but of course I was moving down to College Station to start veterinary school in August)

The irony is if I had lived with Michael and gotten a few glimpses of his true nature, I probably never would’ve married him, another one of those alternate-path scenarios that Val likes to contemplate. Yet these days I can barely see past the nose on the end of my face, let alone contemplate the swirling currents of history! My subconscious was bringing up memories of my high school boyfriend as I dozed this morning - thank goodness my alarm went off. My mom is struggling in the quicksands of her own memories - another cousin of mine passed away; I realize the obituary is not worded very well but she got completely confused and thought they were referring to his son Carlos being the offspring of his brother Larry, who passed away 30 years ago -  now that would’ve been quite the time flip! (Actually I think what Charley’s wife was trying to avoid was mentioning the name of his first wife)

There’s no way I can drive my mom over four hours away to Northern Oklahoma; we will have to wait for the services at DFW National Cemetery. I’m going to do my “estate sale featuring ball pythons” tomorrow in the hopes that some of these people who have expressed an interest will show up and buy some snakes. Z has been strangely distant and off-putting, but there again I am minding my own business, leaving him the hell alone and letting that umbilical cord wither…

Lordy Lordy

 (I know I could never work alongside MY spouse; he would drive me stark raving mad! Not to mention he would be coming over into MY world, since computer/tech work is of less than zero interest to me: I expect to turn the computer on, type in my notes/send my email/have it do whatever I want to do & be done with it... I honestly can not envision P having the temperament nor the inclination to do well in the veterinary field) I realize I'm not much of a role model to lecture anyone about healthy relationships, but this sounds even worse than P & my's disconnection - I'm not going to enter this discussion, but if I could speak to her face-to-face, I'd tell her to go take some riding lessons; a "broken-down" middle-aged body is no reason not to ride. As long as I can swing my saddle up on my equine, I'm going to keep on keepin' on...

Anonymous member

3h  · 

TLDR: How do I handle significant changes in myself and in my spouse who works with me every day in a way that is healthy and helpful for both of us? I am not ok with responses that include 'dump them' or 'just leave the work' as neither of those are things I am willing to do at this time. Trigger warnings - body & gender dysphoria, queer topics, gender topics, Roe V Wade, spousal issues, spouses working together, political issues

I am feeling angry and distressed. My spouse and I work together, and the vast majority of time that is fine and smooth and our team even forgets we are married. We are both queer and poly and it all works out. My partner is normally adored by our team, I am a bit more of the benevolent authority figure.

We work really long hours. I am fairly stoic, while my spouse handles pain, emotional or otherwise, by being reactive and negative. When they are in this place, they are unwilling to do anything to make progress. For example, in the week after losing a pet, they were becoming upset over every thing. Things that shouldn't be a big deal were really big deals. I know it was emotions, but it was leaking out on our team, our clients, etc. I offered them time off, said then they would be stuck at home mourning. Offered that they could go do something, anything, with anyone. No. Offered to get them a hotel and massage and such so they weren't dealing with alone and such. They do have friends and other partners. It finally came out a week later that what they needed was me to take the day off and comfort them. and I would have, if I had known that is what they wanted, but I had no idea. They had an injury recently that was causing them a lot of pain, and that resulted in similar responses. The vast majority of this falls on me, which is better than our team, but it is making it harder for me to function. And the spouse is aware of it, but even if I say 'I observe X, I suspect Y' (and they will agree with me about this later on) in the moment it does nothing to ameliorate the response.

Anyways, this kind of stuff has been happening for a year or so. I have also been struggling with burn out for the past year. I have lost my spark. I am normally bubbly and optimistic and see the good in others and such. I've been struggling with identity and feelings of societal betrayal since 2016 that are progressively worsening. For a year I have been saying I need more time off. And we are starting to get me more time off, but it is always a struggle because it means closing our hospital. I work 50 hours a week minimum. Often I work closer to 70. My partner works 30-50, but does a lot of the housework (refuses to have a housekeeper.) I agree that I am not my normal self, I understand the issue, I am working to address it, but that is hard in part because when I say I am taking time off my partner goes into a spiral about hospital production. So I feel danged if I do, danged if I don't. Also, I am a social butterfly and I need social activities outside of work to be myself. Covid meant there was less of this and much more of sitting on the couch watching TV, which doesn't nourish me, but caters to my partner more. My partner struggles when I want to do things out and about. When they actually go, most of the time they enjoy themselves, but there is always some drama on the way. There is always some sort of fight or argument that ruins the activity for me (thought I put on a brave face at the time, it means I don't get what I need from it). My partner, afterwards (later that day or the next), feels terrible for how things go down and apologizes and such and beats themselves up and spirals downward.

Add in, I am experiencing the 'invisibleness' that comes with middle age in a female body and dealing with the break down of my body. I have arthritis and am experiencing chronic pain and inflammatory issues. I am ok, as long as I stay 100% on my routine and get enough sleep, steady sleep schedule, eat well, and do everything I need to PT wise., however that is a lot and hard to do with work and with a partner that has black hole spirals increasingly frequent. And I am feeling resentful of my role in the world. That I constantly hear how terrible practice owners are, and how terrible vets are, and how terrible I am for not having kids, and how terrible I am for being queer. I am tired of hearing how terrible I am (I am not tired of who I am.) At the same time, I am also dealing with some existential angst. I have come to realize I will never own a horse, or even lease one, because my body is breaking down too much. I will never see some of the places I want to see. I will never reconcile with my family, etc. I'm not being grim, I am being realistic. And it is making me choose my priorities. And some of those priorities conflict. and some of that means loss, and I am grieving some of those losses. I carefully had a long discussion with these struggles with my spouse this weekend. I also talked about how Roe V Wade changes have really screwed with my head and have set off my gender dysphoria again and how I am managing that, but it screws with my ability to be sexual, which of course affects our relationship. However, my partner wants me to still talk about those lost hopes as if they could happen. For example, I turned down a lease on a dream horse because of the arthritis in my hips. Today they saw a horse and talked about how much I would enjoy that some day. I said I didn't want to talk about that because it just hurts. And they said they didn't want me to give up hope. I'm not giving up hope overall, I am prioritizing. But that makes them sad.

Meanwhile, today we are down 3 team members (half the team) and my partner keeps doing things like taking on projects like cleaning the autoclave (that could have waited for a day.) Then getting frustrated that they have so much to do, and then being critical/reactive, and then starting to spiral, and I just want to find a dark place and take a long nap. I do want to say these are not normal issues for my spouse. However, they have been gradually increasing in frequency and have now reached a point where they are disruptive.

How do I help myself through my existential crisis? How do I help my spouse process better themselves? How to I create boundaries where I am here for support, but not for participating in these anxiety/upset spirals that suck all my energy out and make me worthless for getting my own tasks down? How do I help them realize that some of what they are doing is digging their own problems by constantly overloading themselves when situations will already be challenging? How do I accept the changes I am dealing with, while still remaining authentic?

Juneteenth

 Reva the Rottweiler arrived safely in Concord NH (a Petco adoption event) - I do not know if someone had already spoken up for her? Many other photos of happy adoptive pet families posted, I can only hope she achieves the same…

Reva my SIL is returning from her sabbatical, understandably anxious to reunite with HER dogs. She’s asked me many times to visit, “maybe when things settle down” - ain’t that a laugh?

My mother seems unaware that yesterday was Father’s Day - I sketched out her financial outlays but so far she is unmoved, so I’ll talk to the home health agency to see what we can line up in Sonia’s absence.

And I had a brief distraction, meeting up with my young colleague Dr B to see “Guardians of the Galaxy 3” yesterday afternoon. I’d been forewarned that the animal experimentation scenes were hard to take - leaving me wondering how this film (marketed heavily to children) got a PG-13 rating? I’m no conspiracy theorist, but we do seem to be pushing adult themes onto our kids more & more, whether through sex or violence, or both! Of course I’m guilty to some degree, taking my son when he was younger to several R-rated flicks which he begged to see - but he saw them in MY company & we discussed things afterwards.

Received a few text messages from Mijo over the weekend, didn’t get to see him. We attended a surprise BD party for one of the ladies in my trail riding group Saturday night - an outdoor venue in Midlothian which featured a solid rockabilly band. We ladies had us a nice dance party with their last couple of songs - I found it prophetic that they played “Love the One You’re With”. (JR & Carla attended, but sat at opposite ends of the table, basically ignoring each other)

https://theunion28.com/

I’m trying! Although the man doesn’t make it easy - I was trying to talk to him about my mother as I was putting away laundry - he walked out of the bedroom as I was midsentence and in frustration, I hurled a plastic clothes hanger at the ceiling - no damage done, of course, but at least I got his attention temporarily! It isn’t as if he had any good suggestions, but there again I was just using him as a sounding board…

                               "Love The One You're With"

There's a Rose
In a fisted Glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love
It's alright
Go ahead and love the one, love the one, love the one you’re with
Love the one, love the one, love the one you’re with
If your guy can't come to you
And you don't remember who you’re talking to
Your concentration slips away
Because your baby, she is so so far away

[Chorus:]
And there's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you cant be with the one you love
Love the one you’re with
Don't be angry
Don't be sad
Don't sit cryin' for good times you had
There's a girl right next to you
And she's waiting for something to do

[Chorus]

Do it
Do it
Do it
Turn your heartache into joy
She's a girl and you’re a boy
Get together, make it tonight,
You ain't gonna need no more advice

[Chorus]

Just love the one you’re with

Juggernaut

 Representing All The Things going on continues to lumber onwards… I wasn’t sleeping anyway when my HVAC guy called at 6:40 AM to give me a heads-up that his crew was coming out to pick up the AC unit (salvaged from the old clinic, stored in my hay barn these past 9 months).

Insert your metaphor here: am I Indiana Jones fleeing before the boulder, or Brer Rabbit maneuvering through the briar patch?? Gonna take some fancy footwork to keep on a-jugglin’ as these bills start coming due… At least there is one bright spot: Victoria has taken a job which will start next Tuesday, that will relieve part of the pressure.

The rescue folks looped me into their chat group as the Woof Wagon makes its way north - Reva should arrive in Hagerstown today as they drop off a few passengers en route to NH. I do miss that silly girl, even though things are much more peaceful around here without all the growling and posturing. It’s like sending your child off to college - I knew she couldn’t stay here, but I hated to send her away as well. I hope and pray she gets a great placement.

A dull ache remains from the filling I had to get yesterday at the dentist - at least that made it easy to fast! I went to the new girl’s yoga session - I was really proud of myself for that minor accomplishment. Belinda’s sabbatical turned into a permanent absence - they will no longer have Tuesday night yoga, just Thursdays which will be a minor adjustment. $7 sessions are too good a deal to pass up, not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, etc etc…

I took my mom out to the Red Oak facility that I originally tried to talk her into for another visit yesterday afternoon, but I can’t seem to make her understand that it’s not “that” much more expensive than what she’s spending now with Sonia’s part-time wages. It would be a much higher level of care - she would be in the facility with a lot more socialization, yet still able to keep her little dog. Sonia is going to Guatemala next month to visit her family, so adjustments will need to be made regardless “as if I don’t have enough to do”!

I don’t care WHAT happens - I’m still leaving to go to my New Mexico ride which has been cut down to three days, but three days is better than nothing.

Deciphering the Clues

 Shuffling paperwork from the City as I hem & haw about the amount I’ll request for my Economic Development Grant. I despise having to “go begging” but it is what it is - if I’ve misjudged my audience I might get roundly refused! So I might as well shoot for the moon - ask for the full amount of what’s left for remodeling ($209K but I don’t for one second believe it will come it on budget, so I’ll probably make it a nice “round” $210K!), and settle for whatever-in-the-hell these good ol’ boys see fit to approve…

Beggars can’t be choosers, yadda yadda - who knows, I might save one of their animals one day! Again, I despise being indebted, financially or emotionally - after all these years of hard work, it sucks to feel as if I’m right back at Square One, working my way out of a tremendous pile o’ debt once again. A big “Bleep You” to eminent domain & the Texas Department of Transportation.

No wonder I’m not sleeping worth a damn - my sleep cycle looks like a roller coaster, look at those peaks & valleys!

                                                                (Friday night)

                                                                  (Saturday night)

At least the kids are home safely from their New Orleans road trip - we were hammered by more thunderstorms last night here at home, but most of that had dissipated by the time they got in a little after midnight. Fingers crossed for Victoria’s new job prospects; I need part of their living expenses off my payroll!

Drowning vs Waving

 These next few months are going to be “challenging”, shall we say? Absolutely nothing to do but keep moving forward - cringing in this recliner is counterproductive…

As Spock said: “I’ve been dead before“ - yep, plenty of difficult periods in my life but it’s as if this is the “uber-event”: bigger, scarier, even more ominous & threatening with my sub-optimal health. That towering tidal wave from “Interstellar” also looms in my mind - what could I have done to avoid this? I feel like the little Dutch boy with all my fingers and toes plugging holes in the dike!

For now I do what I can - robbing Peter to pay Paul (taking a disbursement from my retirement account, increasing my loan with the sharks), and applying for a small business grant from the city of Ferris. When I have a move-in date for our remodeled clinic, I can start marketing the mobile unit & the surgery trailer to generate some positive cash flow there.

Right now my mockingbird is singing his darling little heart out, and I need to get moving with my day. My mom fell in her bathroom yesterday morning - does not appear to be seriously injured but she is contemplating a move to the facility in Red Oak we had looked at but she considered “too expensive”. Another plate to spin/ball to juggle! But she couldn’t resist another dig at me - this place would be a little bit closer but “it isn’t as if you visit me much anyway!” There’s no point of me burdening my mother with my troubles but I’m doing the best I can - the whole purpose behind the assisted living facility was to relieve part of my burden.

https://giphy.com/gifs/interstellar-LQ5YHZhWZtTrO?utm_source=media-link&utm_medium=landing&utm_campaign=Media%20Links&utm_term=

One Quarter of a Century

 …ago today, I gave birth to my one & only (human) son. Still has me shaking my head in mild disbelief sometimes, since I had pledged myself to “Zero Population Growth” Way Back When I was a teenager.

My dad was also a big sci-fi fan, introducing me to Star Trek and authors like Asimov & Bradbury. Many dystopian tales of overpopulation, societal breakdown, “Omega Man”-type survivalist skills… Perhaps that scarred my sensitive lil’ soul? But (not that it would do any good to imagine otherwise) what’s done is done, it’s pointless to speculate What Might Have Been…

I’m sure I’ve laid out my dystopian childbirth story (physically no problems, thank goodness - it was all the emotional/spiritual/psychological warfare waged upon me by Ex & She Who Shall Not Be Named) somewhere in my cyber-journaling, so I’ll not waste any of this precious & beautiful day re-hashing any of it. Z & V made it safely to New Orleans yesterday, even as I was sitting on my hands to avoid harassing them by text - I did receive a couple of photos of Their First Big Road Trip!

I’ll satisfy myself by peeking at his location throughout the day - they’re still at their hotel this AM (I’ve sent my BD text) only a few blocks from the French Quarter. I hope they have an awesome weekend - and at 6:27 PM I will toast both of us! I’m proud of us both for “Never giving up - never surrendering!” (Ten points for the nerdy movie reference)

OMAD

 An acronym for One Meal A Day, which is a style of intermittent fasting that I (for the most part) have been unable to master… It takes pretty intensive planning to fit one’s daily nutritional requirements into a single meal, but this is the optimal method for health and longevity promoted by the Eastern-medicine guru I follow. I have ordered several of his herbal blends (which are quite pricey!); they are helpful but perhaps I have not achieved full expression of their benefits since I don’t adhere faithfully to his fasting protocols.

https://theinterstellarplan.com/

Gavin just developed a new “Lung Power” formula which I will purchase when I have a few extra coins in  my purse.

But yesterday I did adhere to OMAD, and what a meal it was! Z picked a “Traditional American cuisine” foo-foo restaurant near downtown Dallas for his BD meal - Town Hearth was quite the happening place. Z ordered their fanciful whole-fried lobster as our appetizer, and they “gave” us a bonus slice of chocolate cake since it was his BD (we also ordered crème brûlée & Mississippi Mud pie & shared all around the table - V’s dad & grandparents dined with us). I’m a little sad that my mom missed out on this experience but it would’ve been too late, too heavy of a meal, too crowded & noisy for her to enjoy herself.

I will try to get her out for a Sunday luncheon (6/18? We can celebrate my dad in absentia) since Z & V, as I type**, are driving to New Orleans for his BD weekend. I couldn’t figure out how to gift wrap those tires I put on his car for their big road trip - I didn’t want him to waste any time changing tires on the side of the interstate.

** Z grumbling to me this morning that V dragged him out too early - but it’s an 8-hr drive to NO, they need to get on down there so they can appreciate a few sights in daylight!

                                                             Yellow Submarine aquarium 

                                                             Giant gourami (??)

                                                      Extravagant fried-lobster which was quite savory

                                                          The Birthday assortment of desserts

Retrovision

 I’ve been stuck way way WAY down the rabbit hole, working my way through the original Star Trek movies (in backwards sequence: feeling the need to view STV/The Final Frontier initially, with its Deep Thoughts concerning personal grief & responsibility, coupled with the search for the Supreme Being**, then ST3 & 4) Of course I have my own DVD’s but I was watching on HBO Max, which was phasing ST out after May 31. I ran out of time to watch Number 1 (ST The Motion Picture) and ST6.

** and here you thought it was just a silly sci-fi soap opera! We Trekkies can discern the whole Meaning of Life from the perspective of the Star Trek universe… 

Not to mention Star Trek is a good distraction from problems so I don’t want to dwell on at the present time:

A.) Financial hemorrhage continues since I knew my contractor’s original estimate was tens of thousands of dollars underpriced. I’m no builder but I indirectly observed my dad, who built houses for the last 30 years of his working life. He saved M and I tens of thousands of dollars getting our farmhouse built. I spoke to the loan sharks today to line up another $40K which I hope will get most of it done. The Grand Scheme of course, is to flip the mobile unit & surgery trailer to pay off a large part of that debt when we are able to move into the main building. I never meant to get enmeshed in mortgage-type debt at this stage of my career but there’s no other way to manage.

B.) Of course this whole circus is predicated on my ability to keep on keepin’ on, which seems far from certain. “If only I felt better” which only reminds me of an old family saying: “People in hell want ice water” Still struggling through my workdays with not much left in the tank - collapsing in my recliner to rest & recuperate, trying to replenish myself to do it all over again the next day. I can hardly believe this nightmare started over a year ago, with the sale of my clinic the first week of April. What a fool I was, to think that I had been fairly compensated.

C.) Other intrusive thoughts disturb me as this is my son’s birth week: yes, I realize my baby’s getting ready to turn a quarter-century old (!!!), but nevertheless I miss the solace of his company. My bad for “spousifying” him, in the sense of relying so heavily on him for companionship during the pandemic. “All good things must come to an end”, I realize - I’ve got to step back & let him find his way in the world, otherwise I’ll just be hamstringing him. Z & V are planning to spend his BD weekend in New Orleans. I hope to buy them dinner Wednesday night.

But tonight I’m watching “Apocalypto” which is as awesome a survivalist tale as one could ever hope to see. Let me be more like Jaguar Paw & less like a spineless victim.

Cumulative Effects

 Apparently this new herbal tea’s effects are cumulative - I’ve been drinking it for about a week now & last night, my sleep score was back up to 84 (“Good”). I concur, pretty much a solid “B” - although I think last night was also aided by the fact that I did not have to set an alarm this morning, that always helps take the pressure off. 

Yesterday morning with rain threatening, I went into town to check out a new yoga studio: a restorative class taught by a friend’s cousin. It was a very nice place, freshly refurbished near the busy hive of the Oak Lawn neighborhood. I went by the foo-foo prepared food market Eatzi’s to pick up a few tidbits afterwards - Got a couple of their premade meals which I hope my mom will LIKE and actually, you know, EAT! and not let rot in her refrigerator. I have pretty much given up taking over much food for her unless I’m actually placing it in front of her at mealtime - she has let so much go to waste, preferring to snack on cheese and crackers for evening “meal”. At least she gets a hot meal at lunchtime which Sonia picks up from the main building.

My mom and I both call ourselves “only children” - we were raised as such even though she had a half-brother and I had my half-sister whom I barely had a chance to know. Both of us were very close to some of our cousins: in my mom‘s case that would be Cousin Betty, who is five years younger than her. Mom and I are the outliers, being Catholic since most of the rest of the family has a strong fundamentalist Christian background. Anyway, it was a family scandal when Cousin Betty divorced her first husband in the 70’s for infidelity. They had two sons: Donny died at a young age due to complications from his drug addiction, Charley (a few years younger than me) became estranged from his mother in the messy aftermath of his divorce (another family scandal!) & moved away to Oklahoma.

I came across a Facebook post the other day - Charley has also died of some form of cancer. I broke the news to my mom but she has not even tried to call her cousin - they are also estranged since Cousin Betty remarried late in life. Her niece - my cousin Susanna - blogged about it. She tells the story so much better than I could:

https://whatiactuallymeanttosay.blogspot.com/2014/09/a-fairy-tale-60-years-in-making.html

Cousin Betty called me last night; I am ashamed that I had not called her myself. How do you even speak of such tragic losses?  Charley was a Marine (served during first Gulf War) and will be buried in our DFW National Cemetery, where my dad is interred. Hopefully I can get my mom to attend.

Yoga’s effects also are cumulative:  I was stiff and sore after yesterday‘s deep stretch restorative class. Hopefully I can find my way to a few more of Shana’s classes.

Trends

 What didn’t go well over my Memorial Day holiday was my sleep cycle; I did not sleep well during our campout and I continue to struggle. The Fitbit monitors sleep quality (don’t ask me how?) but I do notice a correlation between REM sleep and how rested I feel when I drag myself off the mattress in the morning.

Tuesday night I dosed myself with all the voodoo I could think of: CBD, melatonin, chamomile tea - & didn’t do too badly - I’d score my sleep as a “B”.

The secret seems to be a period of REM sleep that’s greater than or equal to 90 minutes

Last night I struggled to fall asleep as I was coughing up a lung - finally did the old Vicks Vapor Rub on chest & feet trick, still tossed & turned a lot.

According to the Fitbit, I only scored 38 minutes of REM sleep so no wonder I feel crappy! But my son will be amused by my “69” sleep score.

On to bigger and better things today - hopefully this dude will text me back about a couple of ball pythons he was interested in…