Lordy Lordy

 (I know I could never work alongside MY spouse; he would drive me stark raving mad! Not to mention he would be coming over into MY world, since computer/tech work is of less than zero interest to me: I expect to turn the computer on, type in my notes/send my email/have it do whatever I want to do & be done with it... I honestly can not envision P having the temperament nor the inclination to do well in the veterinary field) I realize I'm not much of a role model to lecture anyone about healthy relationships, but this sounds even worse than P & my's disconnection - I'm not going to enter this discussion, but if I could speak to her face-to-face, I'd tell her to go take some riding lessons; a "broken-down" middle-aged body is no reason not to ride. As long as I can swing my saddle up on my equine, I'm going to keep on keepin' on...

Anonymous member

3h  · 

TLDR: How do I handle significant changes in myself and in my spouse who works with me every day in a way that is healthy and helpful for both of us? I am not ok with responses that include 'dump them' or 'just leave the work' as neither of those are things I am willing to do at this time. Trigger warnings - body & gender dysphoria, queer topics, gender topics, Roe V Wade, spousal issues, spouses working together, political issues

I am feeling angry and distressed. My spouse and I work together, and the vast majority of time that is fine and smooth and our team even forgets we are married. We are both queer and poly and it all works out. My partner is normally adored by our team, I am a bit more of the benevolent authority figure.

We work really long hours. I am fairly stoic, while my spouse handles pain, emotional or otherwise, by being reactive and negative. When they are in this place, they are unwilling to do anything to make progress. For example, in the week after losing a pet, they were becoming upset over every thing. Things that shouldn't be a big deal were really big deals. I know it was emotions, but it was leaking out on our team, our clients, etc. I offered them time off, said then they would be stuck at home mourning. Offered that they could go do something, anything, with anyone. No. Offered to get them a hotel and massage and such so they weren't dealing with alone and such. They do have friends and other partners. It finally came out a week later that what they needed was me to take the day off and comfort them. and I would have, if I had known that is what they wanted, but I had no idea. They had an injury recently that was causing them a lot of pain, and that resulted in similar responses. The vast majority of this falls on me, which is better than our team, but it is making it harder for me to function. And the spouse is aware of it, but even if I say 'I observe X, I suspect Y' (and they will agree with me about this later on) in the moment it does nothing to ameliorate the response.

Anyways, this kind of stuff has been happening for a year or so. I have also been struggling with burn out for the past year. I have lost my spark. I am normally bubbly and optimistic and see the good in others and such. I've been struggling with identity and feelings of societal betrayal since 2016 that are progressively worsening. For a year I have been saying I need more time off. And we are starting to get me more time off, but it is always a struggle because it means closing our hospital. I work 50 hours a week minimum. Often I work closer to 70. My partner works 30-50, but does a lot of the housework (refuses to have a housekeeper.) I agree that I am not my normal self, I understand the issue, I am working to address it, but that is hard in part because when I say I am taking time off my partner goes into a spiral about hospital production. So I feel danged if I do, danged if I don't. Also, I am a social butterfly and I need social activities outside of work to be myself. Covid meant there was less of this and much more of sitting on the couch watching TV, which doesn't nourish me, but caters to my partner more. My partner struggles when I want to do things out and about. When they actually go, most of the time they enjoy themselves, but there is always some drama on the way. There is always some sort of fight or argument that ruins the activity for me (thought I put on a brave face at the time, it means I don't get what I need from it). My partner, afterwards (later that day or the next), feels terrible for how things go down and apologizes and such and beats themselves up and spirals downward.

Add in, I am experiencing the 'invisibleness' that comes with middle age in a female body and dealing with the break down of my body. I have arthritis and am experiencing chronic pain and inflammatory issues. I am ok, as long as I stay 100% on my routine and get enough sleep, steady sleep schedule, eat well, and do everything I need to PT wise., however that is a lot and hard to do with work and with a partner that has black hole spirals increasingly frequent. And I am feeling resentful of my role in the world. That I constantly hear how terrible practice owners are, and how terrible vets are, and how terrible I am for not having kids, and how terrible I am for being queer. I am tired of hearing how terrible I am (I am not tired of who I am.) At the same time, I am also dealing with some existential angst. I have come to realize I will never own a horse, or even lease one, because my body is breaking down too much. I will never see some of the places I want to see. I will never reconcile with my family, etc. I'm not being grim, I am being realistic. And it is making me choose my priorities. And some of those priorities conflict. and some of that means loss, and I am grieving some of those losses. I carefully had a long discussion with these struggles with my spouse this weekend. I also talked about how Roe V Wade changes have really screwed with my head and have set off my gender dysphoria again and how I am managing that, but it screws with my ability to be sexual, which of course affects our relationship. However, my partner wants me to still talk about those lost hopes as if they could happen. For example, I turned down a lease on a dream horse because of the arthritis in my hips. Today they saw a horse and talked about how much I would enjoy that some day. I said I didn't want to talk about that because it just hurts. And they said they didn't want me to give up hope. I'm not giving up hope overall, I am prioritizing. But that makes them sad.

Meanwhile, today we are down 3 team members (half the team) and my partner keeps doing things like taking on projects like cleaning the autoclave (that could have waited for a day.) Then getting frustrated that they have so much to do, and then being critical/reactive, and then starting to spiral, and I just want to find a dark place and take a long nap. I do want to say these are not normal issues for my spouse. However, they have been gradually increasing in frequency and have now reached a point where they are disruptive.

How do I help myself through my existential crisis? How do I help my spouse process better themselves? How to I create boundaries where I am here for support, but not for participating in these anxiety/upset spirals that suck all my energy out and make me worthless for getting my own tasks down? How do I help them realize that some of what they are doing is digging their own problems by constantly overloading themselves when situations will already be challenging? How do I accept the changes I am dealing with, while still remaining authentic?