Memento Mori

 Many memories were stirred up during my return to MD Anderson last week for my long overdue “10-point inspection”…

[Not-so-quick recap: over the winter of 1987 (age 23), I suffered through a case of the flu. Coincidentally, a lymph node on the mid-left side of my neck remained swollen. It was painless but mobile so I ignored it until the following winter when I went for my ob/gyn appointment - my doctor was alarmed. She referred me to an ENT who immediately wanted to schedule major surgery (L neck dissection w/muscle resection(s) but I respectfully declined, I needed to get myself through my final semester of vet school! Again - asymptomatic! No weight loss, no difficulty swallowing, no voice changes. I returned to College Station & saw another clinician at the Baylor Scott & White clinic. We proceeded with what I thought was much more reasonable: a stepwise plan. I underwent a series of scans (as I recall, chest radiographs followed by whole-body CT scans). These were non-diagnostic so biopsy of that troublesome but painless lymph node was scheduled…

This was done 3 days before my vet school graduation - therefore I was somewhat hollow-eyed in my pictures with stitches in my neck. BS&W misread those initial slides as “adenocarcinoma of unknown primary origin” - I’ll never forget the poor clinician lugging a stack of textbooks into the exam room to break this bad news to me! Initial prognostications gave me 6 - 12 months to live; kind of startling when you consider yourself a basically healthy 25-yr-old. I came home & kicked a hole in the sheetrock of our rental house out of pure anger & frustration (I did have enough good sense not to risk my hands by punching the wall) One thing for which I can always be grateful to my ex-husband is the fact that he uncomplainably fixed the sheet rock & then we sat down to figure out our own plan - he’s the one who suggested we seek a 2nd opinion at MD Anderson.

Their pathologists successfully identified my tumor as medullary thyroid carcinoma - I returned to MDA for surgery as well as my follow-up tests & care for the next 27 yrs. When the tumor in my left clavicle appeared (2016), I was prepared to take a sabbatical to have my radiation treatments back at MD Anderson - to this day I don’t know how the ball got dropped there? After I had already undergone the modeling/staging procedures, making my mask & everything - BCBS declined coverage, calling further radiation therapy “unproven & unnecessary”. Unbelievable that a $&#@%€ insurance company overruled MD-fucking-ANDERSON, the top cancer treatment center in the USA!!! Riddle me this, Batman - why did they approve my treatment at the Texas Center for Proton Therapy a few months later?

Anyway, in this case, life worked as it should - I was able to keep on working through my 5 wks of proton therapy, Clarabelle flattened out & everything‘s been good until quite recently, when I noticed a (thankfully painless) bulge…

So I decided back in January to try, try again to return to MD Anderson. The previous times they could not get my scheduling right (with appointments Thurs & Fri) - I had been told several times that Dr Hu didn’t consult w/patients on those days.

Luckily times have changed so I was able to schedule my consultation with her last Thursday morning - they went ahead & booked up my bloodwork & a full series of scans for Thursday, Friday & Saturday morning.
Dr Hu was terrific! I really liked her & it was a whole different “vibe” than all my years of butting heads with Dr Sherman (my previous MDA endocrinologist). And astonishing enough, she was really apologetic about the 10-yr gap in my care from MDA - even though, of course she had absolutely nothing to do with BCBS declining my radiation treatment or anything else!
She thanked me at least three times over the course of our conversation for returning to MDA… she filled me in on some of the latest research with some of the newer drugs, so I may not be completely opposed to these?**
I know I said I would never take any of these “latest & greatest” chemotherapy  drugs, BUUUUT…

 My calcitonin has crept up to 1700, but surprisingly Doctor Hu didn’t have a problem with my slightly high T4 or suppressed TSH. We shall see when they read out all my CT & MRI scans whether my spine, liver or that weird thing Dr Mangona (my TX Proton Ctr radiologist in Irving, the guy who managed my local radiation treatments in 2017) panicked about in my brain is anything to worry about? Dr Hu queried me closely about neurologic signs, which I have not had.
I was hoping to explain all this & talk things over with Zach, but Victoria came down with food poisoning so I only saw him for a few minutes on Easter Sunday to drop off their goodies. 
And it’s impossible to know if Peran has any interest or cares, quite frankly, but he kept the animals fed & alive while I was gone so there’s that. Obviously I still need his help if I want to stay here on the farm.

** obviously the restriction will ultimately turn out to be my goddamned insurance company since it’s 3 more years until I qualify for Medicare

Flesh & Spirit

 (I just submitted my entry for our ride weekend-after-next so Val can try, try again to finish a 25-miler within the allotted time limit of 6 hrs. Just another case of the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak)

And as I did a quick review of My Latest News, I see that I failed to complete "the rest of the story" for my 3/16 entry: it was a damned shame as well as a disappointment to haul all the way to SE Louisiana, only to come in overtime on mine & Catie's ride. We had missed trail several times - those piney woods are a warren of interconnected paths & in the end, I could not "keep up the pace" so we trudged in 20 min overtime.

It took me two tries to swing my saddle up onto Twoie last Sunday… I’m glad no one saw me fail on the first attempt! I can kid myself all I want to that I was a little fatigued from a full day’s work on Saturday, but let’s face it, my physical condition is deteriorating. I contemplated not riding at all, which tells you all you need to know about my mental state - but finally compromised on a single-loop Intro (11 miles) since I had a long haul home. At least She Who Shall Not Be Named was not there - nor was she at the Louisiana ride, thank God! Hopefully she’s getting fatigued by long hauls also…

I started out with the 3 other Intro riders, but Twoie decided he needed to tank up at the first water stop, so we were alone for the rest of the ride. This was good & also not-so-good: as Twoie has gotten more fit, he has also gotten better at spotting boogers, so it would seem! There was a large mud patch beyond the second water tank caused by a leaking water line - Twoie did not want to get his dainty little hooves muddy, but I selected a stick & after a brief discussion, I persuaded him to cross it. When we got down to the most scenic portion of the ride (in the woods by the Colorado River), he saw a deer a couple of hundred yards up the trail - he froze to study her for a few minutes, but then when two more deer walked out of the woods, he almost lost his mind. I managed to hold him steady & when they had moved on, we did too. Then, when we turned the corner to hit that final long straight stretch back to the ranch house, there was a shirtless jogger churning toward us: somebody’s boyfriend had come out to visit & decided to check out the trails on foot. Twoie just needed a good long look at him before he decided Kenny wasn’t that big of a threat. 

But then we came upon last, but not least, some white plastic culvert pipes that were upended by the side of the road - we had to make a detour out into the field to give these scary things a wide berth! So at the end of our a little 11 mi,  2.25 hr excursion I was tired & Twoie had worked up a good sweat. We both had a little rest period before I loaded up to head on back home…

I returned Cicero the rat snake to his native lands - I gave show n' tell talks to horse camp folks Friday night, & a 2nd presentation to the Boy Scouts on Saturday night

Cindy turned over ride management duties to Leslie so she could "ride her own ride". This was Cindy's first completion of a 25-mi ride since the motorcycle accident that crushed her L foot 4 yrs ago. A car pulled out in front of her & she had to lay her bike down to avoid a broadside collision, a gruesome injury!

               Cindy posted blow-by-blow photos on FB so I feel free to share them here

Unworthy

 My mother crammed my baby book to overflowing with every single bit of minutiae concerning my growth & development - however one part that made an impression on me was the meaning of my name: “Worthy”. I think it’s been an ongoing battle ever since, although in recent years it’s been more of a battle for simple survival than any real “tests” as far as proving myself…

“All My Husbands”: Peran continues in what I would call his long-term adoption of benign neglect - mostly ignoring me as he does his own things. He acted surprised when he announced he was going into town yesterday afternoon & I said I’d go with him - we then drove in complete silence, even though I joked with him a bit about my music selections (Oscar D'Leon if anyone's interested ;-). He dropped me off at Walmart while he went to the auto parts store…

My “trail husband” Sam was reclusive & withdrawn during our ride yesterday, even though he hugged me & greeted me effusively as he always does… He strode off ahead on long-legged Thunder & was obviously not interested in carrying on a conversation. Any ride is a good ride although I was stiff & sore as I fought an intermittent headache yesterday. (I came home to crash in the recliner for an hour & a half to take a brief nap, which is why I think Peran was surprised when I said I’d go to town with him)

And my Army Guy is lost in the ether - while we routinely have been going three or four days between Telegram messages, it’s been 10 days now & I have to admit I have no idea what’s going on…Is he dead,  is he injured, or has he just gotten tired of our little pen-pal relationship?? Let’s face it, it was pretty one-sided because I seemed to be giving him a lot more insight into what makes Val tick then vice-versa. He claimed to be a 56-year-old widower whose wife died of leukemia, but I heard few details as to who’s raising his kids, for instance? He sent me a few scattered pictures of them at various ages…

And in other news, Andy has extended an olive branch (apparently) with a Facebook video which I have not watched yet. I’m gonna let it sit. Overall I’m convinced text messaging is a horrible way to communicate!

Robert has sent me several photos of him & his kids at various points in their lives - this is the most recent, but when I asked where they were, he did not answer. He says he's from NC

Three Dog "Morning & Night"

 86° yesterday afternoon, yet 37° this morning - welcome to Texas, in other words!

I called up Aphrodite for her first feeding of the season just before I took Catie back to the clinic to collect her bunnies & hand her off to her mom. Couldn’t convince Christina to slow down for a few minutes to grab a bite, but I had made us a family brunch yesterday which was nothing fancy - bacon & eggs! I had given some thought to making biscuits, but we had bagels & French bread that needed to be consumed. Peran seems to appreciate our little slice of pseudo-family time so there’s that…

As hard as it is to disentangle myself from these three precious little dogs, I must get back to Real Life.

Gingerly rubbing my L eye - I have a nice shiner where Twoie ran me under a branch! But it honestly looked like purple eyeshadow, tempting me to smack my R eye ;-)

This is Twoie bravely leading across the scary metal bridge from 2 wks ago on my trail ride

                                           The piney woods of SW Louisiana (Sat morning's start)

 

Oh, remembrance of things past! (you can see from the ride times that these were technically difficult trails; a fast, race-paced 50 miler might finish in less than half that time)

Unfinished Business

 (I just checked my pO2 to see if this forgetfulness* of mine, which seems to be worsening here recently is related - I don’t think it is because my pO2 is 96 right now, oftentimes when I check in in the evenings after hard day’s work, it’s 93 or 94 but I can raise it to 95–96 with a little deep breathing)

* I sat down with my coffee after a brief scan of ye olde social media & then forgot my title, which to me is the most important part of getting my writing juices flowing

At any rate I guess I’m just fatigued - while I’m glad I went ahead & hauled home last night, again it was a lot of work & effort when, in the end we came in overtime. Ugh! At some point it will reach a point of diminishing returns, especially with diesel hovering close to $5/gallon - ouch!!! This translated into roughly $200 in fuel costs for our 500-mi haul. When I add up the fuel, the food, the horse motel stop we did Thursday night**, & our entry fees, this little weekend jaunt cost me just under $600 - that’s presuming the relief vet that I hired to hold down the fort for me Friday paid for herself (I’ll have to look at those figures mañana). At any rate, it’s only money ain’t it?!?

** it was “only” a 6-hr haul, so I decided to break up the trip Thursday by hauling roughly halfway, stopping at an RV park in East Texas which had a nice little rustic barn. I contemplated doing the same thing last night, but I’m glad Catie pressed me to come on home - she’s sleeping in this morning, but I’ve already got the trailer unhitched & the first load of laundry going

& now “the rest of the story” - we have not had a endurance ride in Louisiana for 20 years. At that prior event, I rode good ol’ Quigley, while Christina rode Zach’s awesome little red mule Midge. Midge powered on through, finishing just under the time limit but Quig & I got pulled for lameness. I also had Zack that weekend - at 7 yrs old, he was not quite ready to do a 55-miler so I just took he & his friend Willy so they could play & explore those piney woods… The trails are sandy loam with a lot of zigzagging in & out of creek beds, interspersed w/old railroad berms. These trails are shared with a dirt bike club, if that tells you anything about their technical nature - in other words, fairly tough!

So I’m proud of Twoie & Baraq for powering through yesterday - even more so of Catie, who was worried about doing 25 miles when she hasn’t ridden much recently! (She did great, fueling up on milk & cookies during our break) I’m going to finish my coffee & go generate some breakfast for us; we’ll meet her mama at the clinic this afternoon to do the handover so she can take her bunnies home - I spayed & neutered a pair for her. Photos to follow!

In the meantime, let me see if I can post a video link of my friend Kathy’s -

https://fb.watch/FSyrU0ZOy-/?fs=e

 

Springing Forward

 (Which in my case is more like plodding wearily forward, but hey, at least I’m still moving!)

This spring time change always hits me much harder than “falling back”… I was at my long-anticipated Shanghai trail ride - purely a social event, not for any points or mileage. Still a lot of work & a lot of driving - I don’t know how much longer the benefits will outperform the wear n’ tear? It was great to see all my friends, not to mention my friend Tina was effusively thankful that I hauled dear ol’ Silas to be her mount. Silas himself was proud of being selected - he’s such a good, unassuming, quietly competent gelding! Mr Twoie performed admirably also - I don’t seem to be able to share the video clip of him leading the way across our last obstacle, the scary metal bridge! but I took a couple of screenshots that I will add later. Fearless Leader Cindy’s horse balked, her granddaughter’s did the same - dear Twoie sidestepped right around to pick up the lead.

And Saturday night, I saved a life when I almost stepped on a juvenile rat snake who had apparently gotten accidentally backed over in the driveway. He got a little “squished” with some head trauma & broken teeth but thank goodness it was mostly soft sand. I brought him home with me for treatment but I should be able to return him to his home turf at the end of this month when I go back for our endurance event at Pierce Ranch.

                                             The beautiful Pierce Ranch at sunrise

                                            The Dirty Dozen before our final obstacle (the metal bridge)

                                                   Cicero the Texas rat snake

Retail Therapy

 I am abashed to admit that I was not really looking forward to my “Girl’s Day Out” Saturday with my friend Janay & her daughter. Janay & I are fellow veterans of ye olde custody wars: we met as fellow victims of an unscrupulous custody evaluator who had a real axe to grind against mothers! (Out of a group of five, I was the only one who retained primary custody; his actions were truly unethical & horrifying) I’m thankful we were able to band together, file complaints, testify at a board hearing & get that man disqualified from performing custody evaluations…

Janay & I have stayed in touch; in many ways we continue to deal with the repercussions of our family implosions decades after-the-fact, trying to help our children as we handle our own issues. Are the kids all right? For now, things to be seem to be headed in the right direction.

Anyway we met for brunch & set off from there to go to good ol’ NorthPark Mall (Janay & I have such fond memories of this mall from our own childhoods; it was one of the first in the Metroplex!) & do some “retail therapy”. I bought some jewelry: a necklace & earring set for Ashley as she is retiring after 28 yrs of grooming dogs for me! We are having a big “clinic family” dinner Wednesday night so Dr M & her husband can attend. I was contemplating how “the joy is in the giving” as I also bought little stuffies for a couple of my employees’ kids & thank-you cards which I need to pass around. Then I came across these great thoughts from Dr Deb as I skimmed FB this morning:

I write because it is therapy for my brain and helps me make sense of what I see and do everyday and it helps me grow as a human.  I write because I have been there and done that and if my story helps someone not make the same mistakes I have made than it was worth the time to write.  I write because if we never share what we have learned then we are responsible for the future generation’s failures.  I write because then people can read or not read and hopefully if they do read they will open their mind up to consider what and why they do what they do and maybe learn from my mistakes or lessons.  I write in hopes that one day my children will read my writings and learn from my mistakes and not have to go through the same struggles and stupidity lessons.  I do not want to be doing the same things and acting the same way a year or five from now because growth is constant and if we never do any self inspection, we never grow and who wants that life?!

                                            The Three Muskateers juicing up!

                                              (I wish my baby would still hold hands w/ME ;-)

                                                       The stuffed toy

                                      A real nudibranch (Addyson really loves 'em)