Maybe I'm just doomed to repeat these cycles, over and over and over again, until the voices wake me and I drown...
Coming up Short...
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
...Hard to believe the dreaded month of July is almost over! I used to absolutely LOVE summertime but now to me it signals loss of contact w/my son - another 5 wks of his childhood carved away.
I have lost great bleeding chunks of my son's childhood - while this could serve as a valuable lesson to me, a mirror into my Control Freak tendencies (oh yes I freely confess to these traits ;-) - I don't think my anxiety & fear is unfounded. Z has suffered many injuries, major & minor, throughout the years that he's been entrusted to his father's (& of course when he was younger, She Who Shall Not Be Named) "tender mercies":
Age 2: 2nd degree burns to soles of feet (walking into hot tar on driveway; M initially tried to blame "hot concrete" around pool but finally confessed... Damn lucky that Z wandered onto driveway instead of back towards unfenced pool, where he might have DROWNED!)
Age 3: deep laceration to inner R thigh on barbed wire fence; should have been sutured but was not - left an ugly 2.5" scar
Age 8: lacerated spleen sustained in a fall; spent 5 d in hosp & narrowly avoided surgery - I would have never forgiven M if Z had lost his spleen (ah well, not that I've forgiven him now - he never expressed remorse or apologized TO HIS SON; I could have strangled him w/my bare hands every time he expressed amazement that Z was so badly hurt by a fall "in the dirt"!)
Age 11: Z came home lame w/fluid on his L knee; he was injured playing tackle football w/neighborhood boys but M, in his infinite medical wisdom (!!!) didn't think it was serious enough to warrant a Dr's visit. Final diagnosis: severe sprain, but we had some tricky moments when orthopedic specialist was concerned about growth plate damage.
And in between, there have been numerous episodes of sunburn, blisters on Z's hands when M expected him to do lawn work without protective gloves... bruises & abrasions from rough-housing w/his stepbrother... I know it's normal for kids to beat themselves up - I went around w/permanently skinned knees from about age 6 - 10 from my stunt work on bike! But I feel so helpless when I am deliberately left out of the loop...
Good times, huh? I should be easy w/myself for stalling out in this month - I should count it as Forward Progress that I did not REGAIN in my typical yo-yo fashion. Looks like I will come up 137 min short in my 800-monthly-minutes fitness goal... I printed out a sample training program since I would love to tackle another half marathon. It will give me something productive to do w/my time rather than fret!!!
I have lost great bleeding chunks of my son's childhood - while this could serve as a valuable lesson to me, a mirror into my Control Freak tendencies (oh yes I freely confess to these traits ;-) - I don't think my anxiety & fear is unfounded. Z has suffered many injuries, major & minor, throughout the years that he's been entrusted to his father's (& of course when he was younger, She Who Shall Not Be Named) "tender mercies":
Age 2: 2nd degree burns to soles of feet (walking into hot tar on driveway; M initially tried to blame "hot concrete" around pool but finally confessed... Damn lucky that Z wandered onto driveway instead of back towards unfenced pool, where he might have DROWNED!)
Age 3: deep laceration to inner R thigh on barbed wire fence; should have been sutured but was not - left an ugly 2.5" scar
Age 8: lacerated spleen sustained in a fall; spent 5 d in hosp & narrowly avoided surgery - I would have never forgiven M if Z had lost his spleen (ah well, not that I've forgiven him now - he never expressed remorse or apologized TO HIS SON; I could have strangled him w/my bare hands every time he expressed amazement that Z was so badly hurt by a fall "in the dirt"!)
Age 11: Z came home lame w/fluid on his L knee; he was injured playing tackle football w/neighborhood boys but M, in his infinite medical wisdom (!!!) didn't think it was serious enough to warrant a Dr's visit. Final diagnosis: severe sprain, but we had some tricky moments when orthopedic specialist was concerned about growth plate damage.
And in between, there have been numerous episodes of sunburn, blisters on Z's hands when M expected him to do lawn work without protective gloves... bruises & abrasions from rough-housing w/his stepbrother... I know it's normal for kids to beat themselves up - I went around w/permanently skinned knees from about age 6 - 10 from my stunt work on bike! But I feel so helpless when I am deliberately left out of the loop...
Good times, huh? I should be easy w/myself for stalling out in this month - I should count it as Forward Progress that I did not REGAIN in my typical yo-yo fashion. Looks like I will come up 137 min short in my 800-monthly-minutes fitness goal... I printed out a sample training program since I would love to tackle another half marathon. It will give me something productive to do w/my time rather than fret!!!
The Month of August - Start Anew
Saturday, August 03, 2013
Yesterday I raced over to my attorney's office over lunchtime to sign off on the TRO he will file to modify visitation; hopefully eliminating the Mon-night disruption to give Z a better opportunity to excel in his studies...
Maybe it's just me, but it seems ludicrous to in essence offer Z educational opportunities w/one hand (I envision those luscious grapes dangling just out of reach), while cutting him off at the knees w/the other... I can't recall if I mentioned my unproductive visits w/Z's guidance counselor last year; she sat there blankly as I begged for "guidance" - apparently there are NO other families sending their children to prep school while juggling weeknight visitation. I tried "playing nice"; sending M an email - let me just indulge myself by reposting:
(Wed 7/31)
Hey M:
I just got the big box of Zach's textbooks for the upcoming school year... I was so excited when I thought BL was going all-electronic, but unfortunately it seems that old-fashioned hardcover texts will still be required for several of Z's courses (I ordered the e-book whenever it was an option).
Then I look at Z's report card - while I know perfectly well that a 3.5 GPA (half A's & half B's, although I'm not sure how much that FOOTBALL grade should be weighted ;-) is very good, I can't help but think that Z could do better. I spoke to Z's guidance counselor (who quite frankly wasn't very helpful) on a couple of occasions last year, but consider that eliminating the weeknight visitation might be less disruptive to Z's concentration on his studies... Despite all of our best efforts, last year textbooks, assignments, permission slips, and many other assorted things were left behind. I'm sure Z will do better as he grows in age & maturity, but why undermine his success? BL is a big investment, and there are no other families doing this long-distance shuffle on a weeknight.
I'd like to know your thoughts if you have any better ideas.
Sincerely,
Val
& his reply:
"Valerie,
We will have to agree to disagree on why Z's grades dropped this last year. It has nothing to do with my visitation. This past school year he spent a substantial portion of my visitation periods catching up on and completing homework assignments that he did not work on while with you. This included the final community service project which he spent half of one of my weekends completing, at the very last minute. I am very committed to Z's success in high school. When he is with me, I make sure he completes any outstanding school assignments before he moves on to chilling. If you want to help Z be more successful in school, I would encourage you to take a similar approach. We need to be his parents not his buddies."
It was truly amazing; some of my emails can sit ignored for days or weeks on end, but this one he replied to w/in 15 min!!! Ha, a$$hole can still make me smile** for all the WRONG reasons - he never changes, that's for sure...
**a grim, mirthless smile
I know M will blow a gasket - imagine the impertinence of this woman, trying to strip him of "HIS" precious time w/his son - if for once he could envision his son as an independent human being instead of "the human football" - but I feel I have no choice. It's another year until Z can drive (friends have consulted me that once Z can drive HIMSELF, if he refuses to go to his dad's I can shrug my shoulders at M's demands), and I don't want his sophomore year to blur by like last year... I had such big plans for us both - I was going to improve my fitness, we could explore some of the opportunities in The Big City - but instead the daily grind seemed to eat it all up; all I perfected was the fine art of napping in my car.
But THIS weekend we're going to have FUN - picked Z up last night & we drove to the Panhandle; tonight we'll see the "Texas" musical in Palo Duro Canyon (my friend Karen's daughter is working it). A quick trip up & back tomorrow since Fall FB Camp fires up Mon AM!
www.texas-show.com/
Have a great weekend my SparkFriends & I'll try to make the next entry less b!tchy ;-)
(but as you note, Chelsea, it's quite therapeutic to type things out here)
Maybe it's just me, but it seems ludicrous to in essence offer Z educational opportunities w/one hand (I envision those luscious grapes dangling just out of reach), while cutting him off at the knees w/the other... I can't recall if I mentioned my unproductive visits w/Z's guidance counselor last year; she sat there blankly as I begged for "guidance" - apparently there are NO other families sending their children to prep school while juggling weeknight visitation. I tried "playing nice"; sending M an email - let me just indulge myself by reposting:
(Wed 7/31)
Hey M:
I just got the big box of Zach's textbooks for the upcoming school year... I was so excited when I thought BL was going all-electronic, but unfortunately it seems that old-fashioned hardcover texts will still be required for several of Z's courses (I ordered the e-book whenever it was an option).
Then I look at Z's report card - while I know perfectly well that a 3.5 GPA (half A's & half B's, although I'm not sure how much that FOOTBALL grade should be weighted ;-) is very good, I can't help but think that Z could do better. I spoke to Z's guidance counselor (who quite frankly wasn't very helpful) on a couple of occasions last year, but consider that eliminating the weeknight visitation might be less disruptive to Z's concentration on his studies... Despite all of our best efforts, last year textbooks, assignments, permission slips, and many other assorted things were left behind. I'm sure Z will do better as he grows in age & maturity, but why undermine his success? BL is a big investment, and there are no other families doing this long-distance shuffle on a weeknight.
I'd like to know your thoughts if you have any better ideas.
Sincerely,
Val
& his reply:
"Valerie,
We will have to agree to disagree on why Z's grades dropped this last year. It has nothing to do with my visitation. This past school year he spent a substantial portion of my visitation periods catching up on and completing homework assignments that he did not work on while with you. This included the final community service project which he spent half of one of my weekends completing, at the very last minute. I am very committed to Z's success in high school. When he is with me, I make sure he completes any outstanding school assignments before he moves on to chilling. If you want to help Z be more successful in school, I would encourage you to take a similar approach. We need to be his parents not his buddies."
It was truly amazing; some of my emails can sit ignored for days or weeks on end, but this one he replied to w/in 15 min!!! Ha, a$$hole can still make me smile** for all the WRONG reasons - he never changes, that's for sure...
**a grim, mirthless smile
I know M will blow a gasket - imagine the impertinence of this woman, trying to strip him of "HIS" precious time w/his son - if for once he could envision his son as an independent human being instead of "the human football" - but I feel I have no choice. It's another year until Z can drive (friends have consulted me that once Z can drive HIMSELF, if he refuses to go to his dad's I can shrug my shoulders at M's demands), and I don't want his sophomore year to blur by like last year... I had such big plans for us both - I was going to improve my fitness, we could explore some of the opportunities in The Big City - but instead the daily grind seemed to eat it all up; all I perfected was the fine art of napping in my car.
But THIS weekend we're going to have FUN - picked Z up last night & we drove to the Panhandle; tonight we'll see the "Texas" musical in Palo Duro Canyon (my friend Karen's daughter is working it). A quick trip up & back tomorrow since Fall FB Camp fires up Mon AM!
www.texas-show.com/
Have a great weekend my SparkFriends & I'll try to make the next entry less b!tchy ;-)
(but as you note, Chelsea, it's quite therapeutic to type things out here)
Ain't Nuthin' but a Hound Dog
Saturday, August 10, 2013
...Didn't really want to see my baggy, dark-circled hound-dog eyes this AM, but I can no longer sleep in - these days, 7:30 feels like an indulgence!
I have NOT made a smooth transition back into the 6 AM football-practice routine :-(
For me this translates into a 4:15 alarm - I keep telling myself, at least it's only for the 2 wks of Fall FB Camp! As of 8/19, the JV schedule will shift to afternoon practices, so I can reset my alarm to the more civilized hour of 5:30...
Anyway, in keeping w/our hectic schedule, I told Z's coach we were skipping Fri & Sat practices to make one last race to the coast to visit my friends this weekend. Even though I feel my heart rate slowing as my body relaxes upon seeing those ocean waves, in the back of my mind I realize we must head home to "Real Life" manana...There's no getting away anyway - yesterday I fielded messages from my attorney & his process server as the latest legal drama unfolds. Just as well that we are hundreds of miles away when M gets his notification - my fears are not unfounded. While it's been 15 yrs since M threatened BOTH of our lives, I have neither forgiven nor forgotten - to me that just translates into self-preservation.
And now my friend is up, letting out the dogs - she's a good sounding board while Z has forged an unbreakable bond w/her husband... He needs all the positive male role models in his life that he can get, but I've apologized to him enough for my poor choice of sires.
Have a good rest of YOUR weekend, SparkFriends!
I have NOT made a smooth transition back into the 6 AM football-practice routine :-(
For me this translates into a 4:15 alarm - I keep telling myself, at least it's only for the 2 wks of Fall FB Camp! As of 8/19, the JV schedule will shift to afternoon practices, so I can reset my alarm to the more civilized hour of 5:30...
Anyway, in keeping w/our hectic schedule, I told Z's coach we were skipping Fri & Sat practices to make one last race to the coast to visit my friends this weekend. Even though I feel my heart rate slowing as my body relaxes upon seeing those ocean waves, in the back of my mind I realize we must head home to "Real Life" manana...There's no getting away anyway - yesterday I fielded messages from my attorney & his process server as the latest legal drama unfolds. Just as well that we are hundreds of miles away when M gets his notification - my fears are not unfounded. While it's been 15 yrs since M threatened BOTH of our lives, I have neither forgiven nor forgotten - to me that just translates into self-preservation.
And now my friend is up, letting out the dogs - she's a good sounding board while Z has forged an unbreakable bond w/her husband... He needs all the positive male role models in his life that he can get, but I've apologized to him enough for my poor choice of sires.
Have a good rest of YOUR weekend, SparkFriends!
Bad Attitude Day
Monday, August 12, 2013
(I had a pretty good title in my head earlier, but lost it during the commute between my folks' house & work...)
It didn't help my sleep-deprived mood this morning when I logged onto work computer this AM & saw this story, top o' the heap:
usnews.nbcnews.com/_news
/2013/08/11/19978310-fathe
r-kills-son-9-and-himself-
at-new-hampshire-ywca-auth
orities-say#comments
Bad enough reading the story, even WORSE to read the comments: all of the wailing & gnashing of teeth over how this tragedy "could" have been prevented.
I wanted to scream in silent outrage - this has unfolded in much the same way as many other domestic violence events... The only "remedy" is for the woman to immediately make a police report when threats are made so that there is an "official" record - been there, done that! (when my divorce was mediated anything I had confided in my attorney about my ex's threatening behavior & homicidal "suggestions" were all dismissed as hearsay... All the guy has to do is hire a decent lawyer & hide behind him/her, claiming "b!tches be crazy"!)
Damn right I'm jumpy today - my ex will be served w/the notification of my TRO; I tried to give my boy fair warning since I wouldn't put it past the SOB to call him pitching a tirade about it. He was dejected: "Dad will just get ANOTHER day!" but I explained that if the judge upholds the order, no he will NOT.
All I want is for my boy to finally be able to speak his mind in an audience w/the family court judge; of course he may dismiss us w/his own "b!tches be crazy" ruling...
Funny what you come across w/a simple Google search:
www.nowfoundation.org/is
sues/family/
"...mothers trying to protect their children from abusive fathers who aggressively litigate against them, using family court to stalk, harass, punish, and impoverish their former partners and children."
You might well say this no longer applies to ME - my ex gave up fairly quickly after he drained all our joint bank accounts & tried to push me off the farm (he thought I would tuck my tail & run home to my parents) - but he HAS "impoverished" me by depriving me of YEARS of my son's childhood... Sorry if I sound vengeful, but I only have 3 more short years w/my boy before he turns 18 & heads off to college, entering adult life - I really would like to optimize that limited time together.
(I didn't even bring up the subject of this latest round of litigation w/my old friend J last weekend - she already thinks I coddle Z too much. Easy target for the childless person! "If you want more time w/him, just make him give up football!")
It didn't help my sleep-deprived mood this morning when I logged onto work computer this AM & saw this story, top o' the heap:
usnews.nbcnews.com/_news
/2013/08/11/19978310-fathe
r-kills-son-9-and-himself-
at-new-hampshire-ywca-auth
orities-say#comments
Bad enough reading the story, even WORSE to read the comments: all of the wailing & gnashing of teeth over how this tragedy "could" have been prevented.
I wanted to scream in silent outrage - this has unfolded in much the same way as many other domestic violence events... The only "remedy" is for the woman to immediately make a police report when threats are made so that there is an "official" record - been there, done that! (when my divorce was mediated anything I had confided in my attorney about my ex's threatening behavior & homicidal "suggestions" were all dismissed as hearsay... All the guy has to do is hire a decent lawyer & hide behind him/her, claiming "b!tches be crazy"!)
Damn right I'm jumpy today - my ex will be served w/the notification of my TRO; I tried to give my boy fair warning since I wouldn't put it past the SOB to call him pitching a tirade about it. He was dejected: "Dad will just get ANOTHER day!" but I explained that if the judge upholds the order, no he will NOT.
All I want is for my boy to finally be able to speak his mind in an audience w/the family court judge; of course he may dismiss us w/his own "b!tches be crazy" ruling...
Funny what you come across w/a simple Google search:
www.nowfoundation.org/is
sues/family/
"...mothers trying to protect their children from abusive fathers who aggressively litigate against them, using family court to stalk, harass, punish, and impoverish their former partners and children."
You might well say this no longer applies to ME - my ex gave up fairly quickly after he drained all our joint bank accounts & tried to push me off the farm (he thought I would tuck my tail & run home to my parents) - but he HAS "impoverished" me by depriving me of YEARS of my son's childhood... Sorry if I sound vengeful, but I only have 3 more short years w/my boy before he turns 18 & heads off to college, entering adult life - I really would like to optimize that limited time together.
(I didn't even bring up the subject of this latest round of litigation w/my old friend J last weekend - she already thinks I coddle Z too much. Easy target for the childless person! "If you want more time w/him, just make him give up football!")
Wishin' Don't Make it So
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
These days, I feel like the vortex of soul-sucking black news - I know a lot of it (like Mon's tragic murder-suicide) being completely unrelated to me & my petty concerns...
Still, it hit fairly close to home when my friend emailed me yesterday:
www.connectamarillo.com/
news/story.aspx?id=933238#
.UguURazgxIA
The driver (Clint) was a friend of her daughter's (if you recall we raced up to experience this awesome show 12 d ago - obviously the entire cast & crew become a fairly close-knit "theatre family") - poor Sarah has been devastated. Her dad serves as treasurer of the Texas Panhandle Heritage Foundation; they were invited to this party but opted out - Sarah will be coming over for her 1st year at UNT next week.
Great minds think alike - when I walked into my parents' home this AM (K9 delivery ;-), my mom had the Dallas newspaper story on the table! We numbly paged through my theatre program, identifying their bright shiny faces: all incredibly young, 20 - 21 yrs old. The 30-yr old owner of the car, seated in the back seat, was the sole survivor (in critical condition).
I dropped my 15-yr old off for the 1st day of school today, questioning how I'll keep him safe. Still waiting for news from my attorney so I know which direction our lives will take in the near future... Certainly long-range predictions are pointless! I'm angry at myself for wasting all of this precious time - my life feels completely unmanageable but all I can control are these small segments that pass in front of me: my next crosstown trip, my next meal, my next appointment, next stop by the gym. Let's make the most of it, shall we???
Still, it hit fairly close to home when my friend emailed me yesterday:
www.connectamarillo.com/
news/story.aspx?id=933238#
.UguURazgxIA
The driver (Clint) was a friend of her daughter's (if you recall we raced up to experience this awesome show 12 d ago - obviously the entire cast & crew become a fairly close-knit "theatre family") - poor Sarah has been devastated. Her dad serves as treasurer of the Texas Panhandle Heritage Foundation; they were invited to this party but opted out - Sarah will be coming over for her 1st year at UNT next week.
Great minds think alike - when I walked into my parents' home this AM (K9 delivery ;-), my mom had the Dallas newspaper story on the table! We numbly paged through my theatre program, identifying their bright shiny faces: all incredibly young, 20 - 21 yrs old. The 30-yr old owner of the car, seated in the back seat, was the sole survivor (in critical condition).
I dropped my 15-yr old off for the 1st day of school today, questioning how I'll keep him safe. Still waiting for news from my attorney so I know which direction our lives will take in the near future... Certainly long-range predictions are pointless! I'm angry at myself for wasting all of this precious time - my life feels completely unmanageable but all I can control are these small segments that pass in front of me: my next crosstown trip, my next meal, my next appointment, next stop by the gym. Let's make the most of it, shall we???
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