I’m not sure whether “Closing on August 17” means that when the clock strikes midnight tonight, all is lost so I’d better blurt the rest of this out, like my cat regurgitating a hairball!
All of y’all know that I’m an inveterate sci-fi fan - the “LastDay” reference comes from “Logan’s Run”, one of the few instances in which the movie was just as enjoyable as the novel! So, my crystal is blinking - I’d better make the best of it.
While I appreciate everyone’s concerns that “P and I need to TALK”, I don’t want to force the issue - as I’ve mentioned multiple times, if I have to beg/plead/bargain for what I want or need, the end does NOT justify the means! So it may be that we are doomed to fizzle out - another proverbial whimper vs the Big Bang which our relationship started out with… Several times I have sat myself down companionably (not confrontationally) next to P and asked him “What’s wrong?” and gotten an emphatic “Nothing!” in reply. If he’s not man enough to speak up, I’m not woman enough to try to drag The Truth out of him. He continues to devote 3-4 hrs DAILY to exercise, he’s come back bragging these last couple of body-comp measurements as to how he continues to add muscle/lose fat which don’t get me wrong, is fantastic! but I fear for the inevitable crash due to injury or burnout? Not to mention Is That All There Is? - call it sour grapes if you will, but even if I HAD 3 hrs/day to spend at the gym, I don’t think I would.
3 hrs on the trail - of course!
But if I’ve learned anything as I save old blog entries (looks like I’ll barely make it thru 2013, just as well I DON’T save all the horribleness from when Z started his Experimentation Phase in HS, culminating in that last brutal custody battle, rehab, and the long climb out of that pit) - it reminds me of the importance of Daily Yoga and not poisoning myself too frequently with suboptimal nutrition (not that my diet is perfect now, not by a long shot! but it’s much bettah than it used to be).
Last night, I creaked through a video class and felt MUCH better, after sloughing off my evening practice for these past couple of weeks. Point proven? Perhaps!
I know I’ve posted this somewhere Way Back When also - another Note to Self: get back to the museum occasionally.
The long-awaited estate sale at my mom’s did NOT happen - I went by yesterday afternoon and texted Neil, I had been trying to stay out of the way but found it odd that I’d heard nothing?
He’s had a couple of employees with deaths in their families so it is postponed - didn’t have the heart to ask until WHEN, so closing out this phase drags on and on, indefinitely.
Z has returned from Vegas significantly poorer - finding out the house always wins, and having a fight with former frat buddy besides - sorry mijo! Hopefully we will recoup some losses at the reptile expo next weekend. College classes will soon resume as we both continue trudging onwards towards that goal - Mom as sherpa, Z as student - both of us learning and growing.
It’s been quite the journey thus far, my friends.
Meanwhile, Isabel continues learning how to Be Our Dog - P was holding her a bit last night as well, I think he’s hooked!
Discernment
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
(of course it seems to be some sort of TRIGGER when I begin to compose a blog discussing PROGRESS, to suffer a minor backslide - I blame anxiety which I will also address if I have time, but I digress...)
One thing which seems to be emerging as I "clean" my palate seems to be a growing sense of discernment...
A couple of days ago, I started re-heating some grilled chicken for lunch, but the big box of Cheerios in the pantry caught my eye. I remembered many lazy Sat mornings as a kid, scarfing Cheerios & watching cartoons, so I poured myself a bowl.
They weren't any good (& yeah it was a freshly opened, not stale box) - they tasted dry & dusty even though I pushed 'em down in the milk. I finished the bowl anyway, but counted that as another thing that was "out of my system" - along w/other (former) treats like Pop-Tarts & Spaghetti-o's...
When I open the bag of tortilla chips, I smell a sharp tang of rancid oil. This doesn't stop me from eating a handful - I count that as true progress over years past, when I could eat half the bag as a "snack". Even that annual treat, the box of Girl Scout Thin Mints, have an underlying chalkiness to their texture, the chocolate flavor just doesn't match up to my carefully rationed squares of Ghiardelli 86% dark chocolate - so that makes it easy to stop after 2 wafers... I'll pass the rest of the box onto my teenager (his metabolism can handle it better ;-) and count it as my charitable donation.
Last spring when I invested in a year's worth of training sessions at my gym & actually started peeling off a few pounds, I was SO happy to give away my size 20 Lane Bryant jeans (which were without a doubt the most unflattering pair of jeans I've ever owned). "In the meantime", I bought a size 16 pair of Michael Kors jeans at the consignment store - a real bargain for $20... By the end of the summer they were getting baggy so I stepped into a thrift store & bought a pair of Vidal Sasson skinny jeans which were also size 16 but skintight.
Of course w/my recent weight gain I haven't even TRIED to stuff myself into those Sasson jeans, and the Kors are fairly snug again.
At least I made it back to the yoga studio last weekend - I've never been happier to see my shin dry up & scab over! (finished my antibiotics) And I'll brave a short session w/my trainer this week, begging him to go easy on me.
One thing which seems to be emerging as I "clean" my palate seems to be a growing sense of discernment...
A couple of days ago, I started re-heating some grilled chicken for lunch, but the big box of Cheerios in the pantry caught my eye. I remembered many lazy Sat mornings as a kid, scarfing Cheerios & watching cartoons, so I poured myself a bowl.
They weren't any good (& yeah it was a freshly opened, not stale box) - they tasted dry & dusty even though I pushed 'em down in the milk. I finished the bowl anyway, but counted that as another thing that was "out of my system" - along w/other (former) treats like Pop-Tarts & Spaghetti-o's...
When I open the bag of tortilla chips, I smell a sharp tang of rancid oil. This doesn't stop me from eating a handful - I count that as true progress over years past, when I could eat half the bag as a "snack". Even that annual treat, the box of Girl Scout Thin Mints, have an underlying chalkiness to their texture, the chocolate flavor just doesn't match up to my carefully rationed squares of Ghiardelli 86% dark chocolate - so that makes it easy to stop after 2 wafers... I'll pass the rest of the box onto my teenager (his metabolism can handle it better ;-) and count it as my charitable donation.
Last spring when I invested in a year's worth of training sessions at my gym & actually started peeling off a few pounds, I was SO happy to give away my size 20 Lane Bryant jeans (which were without a doubt the most unflattering pair of jeans I've ever owned). "In the meantime", I bought a size 16 pair of Michael Kors jeans at the consignment store - a real bargain for $20... By the end of the summer they were getting baggy so I stepped into a thrift store & bought a pair of Vidal Sasson skinny jeans which were also size 16 but skintight.
Of course w/my recent weight gain I haven't even TRIED to stuff myself into those Sasson jeans, and the Kors are fairly snug again.
At least I made it back to the yoga studio last weekend - I've never been happier to see my shin dry up & scab over! (finished my antibiotics) And I'll brave a short session w/my trainer this week, begging him to go easy on me.
Good Thing I Ain't a Psychiatrist...
Thursday, February 20, 2014
...bcz I was certainly thrown for a loop when I opened an unexpected BD card from a former friend yesterday - she evicted me from her Perfect Life ??? 5 yrs ago when she blew up over a blog entry in which I speculated about how our lifestyle choices have diverged. Now I wish I had saved it so I could get objective feedback if I really said anything all that radical - but no, in my typical bend-over-backwards people-pleasing way, I deleted the entry & wrote her not one, not two, but THREE heartfelt letters of apology...
She never gave me the courtesy of a response - it could have been a hearty "Eff you!" and at least I would have known where I stood. Maybe it's just me, but I always thought you could say what you REALLY felt w/True Friends... (w/out being deliberately cruel or hurtful) Lord knows several of my closest friends have at times "told it like it is" & ultimately I appreciated their blunt honesty.
Anyway, I laid awake for a long time last night, thinking of potential responses... Now she hates that we've fallen out of touch, she's always loved & respected me (I wonder what she wants), but threw in at the very last a nasty dig at my MOTHER?!?!? I'm scratching me head bcz I honestly don't know what in the world she's talking about - as best I can figure out, it's her own repressed guilt cropping up bcz my mom wanted K to "do the right thing" but that's a story that definitely too long for this lil' blog entry; I'll rehash that ancient history later!
The bottom line is my instinct spoke up to tell me: "Do Not Engage"... Why buy or borrow trouble? I don't feel any good can come of it - I may drop her a nice T/U for the card; after all yesterday was the milestone of my big 5-0! but other than that I believe I'll stay well out of reach.
She never gave me the courtesy of a response - it could have been a hearty "Eff you!" and at least I would have known where I stood. Maybe it's just me, but I always thought you could say what you REALLY felt w/True Friends... (w/out being deliberately cruel or hurtful) Lord knows several of my closest friends have at times "told it like it is" & ultimately I appreciated their blunt honesty.
Anyway, I laid awake for a long time last night, thinking of potential responses... Now she hates that we've fallen out of touch, she's always loved & respected me (I wonder what she wants), but threw in at the very last a nasty dig at my MOTHER?!?!? I'm scratching me head bcz I honestly don't know what in the world she's talking about - as best I can figure out, it's her own repressed guilt cropping up bcz my mom wanted K to "do the right thing" but that's a story that definitely too long for this lil' blog entry; I'll rehash that ancient history later!
The bottom line is my instinct spoke up to tell me: "Do Not Engage"... Why buy or borrow trouble? I don't feel any good can come of it - I may drop her a nice T/U for the card; after all yesterday was the milestone of my big 5-0! but other than that I believe I'll stay well out of reach.
Ancient History
Sunday, February 23, 2014
I really thought KK & I would be lifelong friends - like my mom & godmother (they also met in junior high & remain close friends to this day, 60+ yrs later! Of course things are simpler when you keep the same husband...)
However, as I've meditated upon our history, I realize our relationship lacked a solid base of affection & trust - filled w/a history of competition & one-upmanship which see-sawed both ways (in other words, I'm equally as guilty). In the classroom, on the tennis court, & finally in the big arena of "Life"!
I've known I wanted to become a veterinarian since 6th grade - KK likewise was a sharp student, but gravitated into engineering - eventually becoming a highly ranked, security clearanced asset for Raytheon. We were both fortunate that our parents provided private school & college educations so we could "hit the ground running" on our chosen career paths w/out crippling loads of student debt. I never felt my ambitions were excessive: a house, a farm, a clinic of my own but of course I've been blessed as well as damned lucky (1st husband had ambition to spare; my family has continued to help - my dad served as general contractor on our house, saving us tens of thousands of dollars, my aunt & uncle stepping in to provide financing when we were having trouble securing a mortgage for the farm). Anyway, I've never cared to live in an exclusive neighborhood, keep an Architectural Digest home, or drive last year's luxury SUV (ahem).
It really threw me for a loop when KK invited us to her Holiday Housewarming (I knew it would be something else when she told me it was in an exclusive gated community) - a 7500 sq ft home for 2 adults/3 children which I joked reminded me of an upscale, non-cobweb-festooned Munsters Mansion: an imposing stone edifice boasting of a wine cellar, living quarters for housekeeper and/or nanny, even a mini home theatre! A pool (NOW I'm jealous; always wanted a pool although could never bring myself to invest in the expense of installation & ongoing upkeep) but next to nothing in the way of a yard... I'll put my acres of spring bluebonnets up against upscale shrubberies any day ;-)
KK was not amused. More backstory is that I never cared for her 2nd husband - #1 seemed to be a super nice guy; I joked if timeline had cooperated (she divorced him several yrs before my 1st marriage imploded) I'd have asked KK's permission to date him... You may notice that Val utilizes humor a great deal to defuse uncomfortable situations. But when I saw that I'd genuinely hurt my friend's feelings, I did apologize. How could she not see the irony in our situations: 2 middle class Nice Catholic Girls who grew up in cookie-cutter 1500 sq ft tract homes - marrying young n' foolish but succeeding despite the odds?!?!?
It's obvious our definitions of "success" had diverged tremendously... I'm not trying to imply I'm right & KK's wrong - but I think of that "Seasons" quote & realize that some things just DON'T last forever.
(I'll get to the Repro wars in Part 3 but gotta make my favorite afternoon yoga class!)
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However, as I've meditated upon our history, I realize our relationship lacked a solid base of affection & trust - filled w/a history of competition & one-upmanship which see-sawed both ways (in other words, I'm equally as guilty). In the classroom, on the tennis court, & finally in the big arena of "Life"!
I've known I wanted to become a veterinarian since 6th grade - KK likewise was a sharp student, but gravitated into engineering - eventually becoming a highly ranked, security clearanced asset for Raytheon. We were both fortunate that our parents provided private school & college educations so we could "hit the ground running" on our chosen career paths w/out crippling loads of student debt. I never felt my ambitions were excessive: a house, a farm, a clinic of my own but of course I've been blessed as well as damned lucky (1st husband had ambition to spare; my family has continued to help - my dad served as general contractor on our house, saving us tens of thousands of dollars, my aunt & uncle stepping in to provide financing when we were having trouble securing a mortgage for the farm). Anyway, I've never cared to live in an exclusive neighborhood, keep an Architectural Digest home, or drive last year's luxury SUV (ahem).
It really threw me for a loop when KK invited us to her Holiday Housewarming (I knew it would be something else when she told me it was in an exclusive gated community) - a 7500 sq ft home for 2 adults/3 children which I joked reminded me of an upscale, non-cobweb-festooned Munsters Mansion: an imposing stone edifice boasting of a wine cellar, living quarters for housekeeper and/or nanny, even a mini home theatre! A pool (NOW I'm jealous; always wanted a pool although could never bring myself to invest in the expense of installation & ongoing upkeep) but next to nothing in the way of a yard... I'll put my acres of spring bluebonnets up against upscale shrubberies any day ;-)
KK was not amused. More backstory is that I never cared for her 2nd husband - #1 seemed to be a super nice guy; I joked if timeline had cooperated (she divorced him several yrs before my 1st marriage imploded) I'd have asked KK's permission to date him... You may notice that Val utilizes humor a great deal to defuse uncomfortable situations. But when I saw that I'd genuinely hurt my friend's feelings, I did apologize. How could she not see the irony in our situations: 2 middle class Nice Catholic Girls who grew up in cookie-cutter 1500 sq ft tract homes - marrying young n' foolish but succeeding despite the odds?!?!?
It's obvious our definitions of "success" had diverged tremendously... I'm not trying to imply I'm right & KK's wrong - but I think of that "Seasons" quote & realize that some things just DON'T last forever.
(I'll get to the Repro wars in Part 3 but gotta make my favorite afternoon yoga class!)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
- vENDUROVET
Yeah I take full "mea culpa" for being snarky - not as if I haven't always been so!
I realize our differences were exacerbated after KK's divorce (as I mentioned, I disapproved - silly me, I actually think it MEANS something when you make vows in front of God & everybody) - I had been "forcing" our friendship to continue, much like a hothouse blossom, long past its natural expiration date...
Our paths had diverged too much.
(But I DID sincerely apologize; it wasn't just a thoughtless "My bad" response. I was ready to grovel, but as I said she never acknowledged any of my letters so I never got the chance - I think now it's too little, too late.)
2727 days ago - vCATIATM
Umm .... I'm sorry that your friendship didn't last. Some aren't meant to. Life and circumstances sometimes bring people together and sometimes drive them apart.
2728 days ago - vCD13641787
MORTICIAADDAMS,
Yes, people do change as they go through life, but the basic personality that was formed in the early years, does not change. And, personality disorders - if they exist - such as narcissism, histrionic personality disorder, etc are very rigid to any change at all, because they are incapable of any depth of inner reflection. But, no matter what, all persons personality is pretty well set by the time they are 6-8, and after that it is just a matter of the degree of changes possible. And, yes, a person can with enough effort, make huge changes - but still their basic personality remains the same.
I agree though I wouldn't want a big house though. But, then if any of us had maids, Heaven help what dirty little secrets the maids might learn of!
2730 days ago
Comment edited on: 2/23/2014 8:08:19 PM - vMORTICIAADDAMS
People change as they go through life. My values have changed a lot since I was a young girl. I have no desire for a McMansion nor even a maid. My mom had a maid. It always made me feel uncomfortable. I worked as a housekeeper for a while and was embarrassed for the people I worked for as I knew all of their dirty secrets. The world may have seen them as special. I knew other wise.
2730 days ago - vCD13641787
Your comments to people seem off the cuff, without thought, and without regard to other peoples feelings; kinda passive aggressive. Apology after the wound usually doesn't mean much, especially if it is a flippant, "I'm sorry." Only an apology where the person 'gets what they did', and understands how it effected the other person, can the apology mean something to that person. And, if more flippant joking - that isn't funny - is laid out there, then the person does not ever accept that persons supposed "sorry".
I know at our age it is pretty difficult to change our personalities - if not impossible. And, so friends each go their own ways... Fall Down Seven Times, Get Up Eight...
Sunday, March 23, 2014
...isn't that how that Japanese proverb goes?!?!?
I've been staying away from SP this past month since A.) I feel completely stagnated, pretty much right back where I started from almost 4 yrs ago!
B.) I'm staring down my 6th attempt at the MS150 bike ride in 6 short weeks, & I've made a pledge to even let HORSEBACK RIDING take a back seat to training so I can feel as though I've made an honest effort...
Yet, hmmmm, it isn't as if I've been knocking myself out on the bike - my life has been consumed in a myriad of other details: taking bike in for tune-up, tracking down road bike for Z to use** (yes, the most exciting part of this year's ride is the fact my boy's gonna ride it w/me!), letting our most recent flurries of end-of-winter weather blow through...
**my ol' buddy KS brought down her fancy road bike this weekend; yesterday's errand was meeting her for brunch, picking up bike, delivering to bike shop for rehab...Z should be rollin' in style next weekend!
I'll try to post a recap of my MS150 adventures; it is an awesome, impressively organized event for a great cause... But for now I need to suit up for today's 10 mi trainer. (Hubby's gonna train w/us although I can't convince him to sign up - he did The Whole Thang in Y2K but was disappointed by "incompletes" in '04 & '05 so haven't been able to convince him to try, try again!)Try, Try Again
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
...This applies to both my upcoming MS150 cycling event (eeek, 5.5 wks?!?) as well as new dietary regimen I'm instituting today - another amalgamation of the various approaches I've researched, hopefully something A.) sustainable as well as B.) effective! So far, so good, although it's certainly not "usual" for me to eat a big breakfast w/in half an hour of arising (leftover chicken fajitas; still burping grilled onion, yuck!)
As I mentioned previously, this will be my 6th go at the MS150 - some years I've trained well, some I haven't but my current record is 106 mi (attained in '07)... I figured it would prob be easier to post links to old blog entries if anyone wants to read further:
2004: 79 miles
2005: 95 miles
2007: 106 miles, woo hoo! However, critical injury sustained by my son while he was entrusted to his father's care disrupted any victory blogs... However, I did save my post-ride email which I sent to my donors & compiled into my '08 entry.
2008: a pitiful showing of only 65 mi; a "no-frills" ride in which Karen & I opted out of the comforts of sharing a motel room (could no longer convince Hubby to join us), so we camped out at the Texas Motor Speedway in unseasonable COLD, freezing our butts off!
2009: washed off the course by torrential thunderstorms on Day 1 after only 47 mi, which subsequently caused the cancellation of Day 2! It was a shame, bcz Karen & I had actually "geared up" by investing in actual ROAD BIKES, a truly phenomenal feeling after all those years struggling w/our heavy cruisers!
Unfortunately in the spring of 2010, just as we were preparing to dust off our bikes, air up the tires & start training, my dear friend Karen was let go by Bank of America after 24 yrs of service! (ahem, just before she would have locked in her retirement)... In protest, we boycotted any BoA sponsored event (such as MS150). Karen finally found part-time employment at the Ennis veterinary clinic, but the time constraints of full-time motherhood to her brood of 4 means I won't have her companionship this year. (My trainer at gym convinced me to sign up - and while I'm thrilled that Z will participate w/me, I'm sure he'll leave Mom far far behind! His "other" Aunt Karen - my friend from Amarillo - brought down her trusty road bike last weekend - I'll have it rehabbed for Z which makes it even more certain I'll be eating his dust ;-)The Winter (now Spring) of my Discontent
Monday, April 07, 2014
“I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.”
“Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. It's like the tide going out, revealing whatever's been thrown away and sunk: broken bottles, old gloves, rusting pop cans, nibbled fishbodies, bones. This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes, not knowing the future. The ruin you've made.”
“This is the middle of my life, I think of it as a place, like the middle of a river, the middle of a bridge, halfway across, halfway over. I'm supposed to have accumulated things by now: possessions, responsibilities, achievements, experience and wisdom. I'm supposed to be a person of substance.”
(Memorable quotes from Margaret Atwood's "Cat's Eye" (1988)
Hitting the big 5-0 has been relatively tougher than any of my other "decades"... Certainly no sweat at 30, no big deal hitting 40 either, but I realize that I really AM past the halfway point now. (Middle age my a$$ - to paraphrase the awesomely funny Dave Barry, how many 100 yr olds do you know??)
This is why my poor blog is so sorely neglected - I begin to cobble together a post, which gets strung out into a disjointed mess between multiple interruptions until I delete it in disgust. It never turns out quite as I had intended.
I wanted to convey by my choice of opening quotations a sense of how BAD my mood becomes when I do NOT ride... Over the 2nd weekend of March, I traveled to our AERC convention in Atlanta since they were offering a nice slate of CE topics - this normally ignites my enthusiasm for riding, but my back remained stiff & painful (I made several trips to chiropractor over the month before it no longer felt like a conscious effort to stand up straight); I was also NOT getting my endorphin fix at the gym... Those couple of months off nursing my MRSA abscess have made getting back in that habit difficult as well. Our MS 150 cycling event coming fast upon us in 4 short weeks may be a true test of endurance!
I finally heaved myself back in a real saddle last weekend when I hauled Moonie to a Cowboy Dressage training clinic - he did alright (actually quite well considering I've hardly touched him since last fall) and finally remembered near the end of our sessions that First Commandment: Stand Still While Momma Mounts Ya! Even w/the limited amount of (what I consider) "real" riding, it was remarkable how much those hours in the saddle improved my overall mood... Very pleasant low-grade soreness reminds me that I actually expended some physical effort too - primarily in my hip flexors & adductors, urging that lazy booger on using my seat (yes on Day 2 I carried the Stick of Authority, my trusty riding crop)... Onwards & upwards my angel; perhaps I'll make an endurance mount of you yet!Processing Grief
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Before I "get to the point", gotta fill in some backstory:
Last weekend, when Z was under his father's custody after an unprecedented "3-in-a-row" at home, M allowed him to stay in town w/his buddy. They snuck beer into the house & were busted by Ms P @ 1:30 AM who according to M was "very apologetic & humiliated" (since the Jan tequila episode also happened "on their watch").
If I seem nonchalant, it isn't bcz I take these escapades lightly - but I recall what **I** did as a teenager, too! The difference being, I didn't get CAUGHT so my halo remained relatively untarnished ;-) - Z has brought his grades back up, so I chalk these up as Z's minor rebellions (targeting his father; it was truly dreadful to bear witness to how badly he DIDN'T want to go to his father's; in many ways it's worse now than when he was a youngster)... M in his usual fashion, is stomping & steaming & demanding that we present a United Front of Punishment - well I did confiscate the electronics for a week but I reject M's proposal that we enroll Z in some sort of substance abuse program... (He implied that Z has been experimenting w/more than alcohol which I do not believe; I DO know that he & his friends frequent the 7-11 after school & they've slammed down a few Red Bulls - what M perceived as hyped-up was being overly caffeinated)
But I did take Z in for an "oil check" to see Dr M, his therapist during that awful custody battle at ages 5 - 6... She was thrilled to see the handsome young man he's become, and validated my theories that he's fundamentally OK. But I got harsh news when she informed me her husband & therapeutic partner Bill had passed away in Sept '12...
I saw Bill during those awful months of Z's infancy (3-8 mos) as my marriage disintegrated - hauled M for one memorable joint session, which he left snarling: "We're getting divorced; you might as well accept it!" while refusing to take responsibility for the CAUSE (his relationship w/She Who Shall Not Be Named)... I continued to see Bill for my own mental piece of mind until divorce was finalized when Z was 18 mos; even dragged in P when we had our near-breakup in '08...
Bill saved my mental health & helped me see that yes, my views were perfectly legitimate & valid - sane & reasonable, even! I've held many an imaginary conversation w/him when I've thought about carving out the time to go back into therapy.
I hope he knew how much he meant to me, and I'm sure to many of his other patients. This casts a pall over my Easter, as happy as I am to have my boy HOME (don't want to add up how many Easters I've missed - M's gotten the majority since Easter tends to fall on "odd" weekends)Two 40-mile Training Rides...
Sunday, April 27, 2014
...One classified as a success, but the second a "failure"??? Riddle me this...
(Hint: Ride 1 was on bikes, #2 horseback - & unfortunately my organization doesn't give partial credit - I was slated to do 50 mi yesterday!)
But Sat 4/19, Z & I journeyed W of the Metroplex to ride in the cycle rally "Race for Heroes": a good training ride for our MS150 event (coming up in ONE SHORT WEEK, eeek! & once more I feel woefully undertrained), and Z's 1st experience riding in a peloton. He did great - of course racing off & leaving Mom struggling; I finished up about 45 min behind him. (As I left the 1st rest stop @ 10 mi & tackled a HUGE hill, I gave a fleeting thought to taking the 23-mi cutoff - wouldn't I have surprised my boy, kicked back at the finish asking what took him so long?!?!?) But I persevered & a good time was had by all...
Yesterday I had entered the 50 miler at our Bluebonnet endurance ride, just as summertime heat & humidity descended upon us! I broke the Supreme Commandment of endurance riding: Ride Your Own Ride! Fell in w/a group who were going a little faster than I had planned, didn't drink well enough, struggled through that 2nd loop fighting nausea... That last 10 mi just wasn't worth it, esp not when I had to drive home last night. Knowing when to hang it up can also be a virtue; I was in good company! From what I heard, approx an 82% completion rate - a little lower than average. Obviously I wasn't the only one adversely affected by the heat! The Baraquinator & I live to fight another day
Postscript: I got a good laugh when I logged yesterday's ride; according to SP, 330 min burned 3600 cal! Ha, I wish - Baraq may have burned that much, but I would estimate my own caloric burn to be 1600 "at best"...)Today's Troubles...
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
I've been trying to find a few free moments to cobble together my Deep Thoughts after 4 yrs on SparkPeople, but life ain't cooperating!
Here the month of April is galloping along to exhaust itself MANANA; where did the time go?!? As I mentioned before, our big Mommy & Me cycling event (the MS 150) is coming up THIS WEEKEND, 3 short days away, and I pray to God the bike shop has finished their delicate manipulations of my high-strung little road bike which is labeled "Fuji" but should be a "F.O.R.D" (Fix Or Repair Daily)... Of course, Major Problem #1 "wasn't its fault": I'd had slow leaks in both tires, and a rear flat after our 4/19 rally. I instructed New Bike Shop to replace tubes/evaluate tires/spokes/rims etc bcz it would be my least favorite thing to be changing flats this weekend!
New Bike Shop found that Former Bike Shop (where I spent a substantial sum 5 yrs ago getting my eBay special rehabbed) installed tubes which were TOO LARGE - literally folding 'em in place which of course caused friction/damage/air loss... DOES NO ONE TAKE PRIDE IN THEIR WORKMANSHIP ANYMORE??!!?? Believe me, these jerks are going to be hearing from me - I sought out New Shop this spring precisely bcz I was sick of their condescending attitudes; I don't believe I need a bike that costs as much as a decent used AUTOMOBILE to enjoy recreational cycling!
Anyway, that has been the background drama occupying my thoughts as I complete my preparations to "do the best I can" this weekend. It may not add up to 150 mi, but we'll see...Facing Facts...
Sunday, May 04, 2014
1.) I ain't any kind of hard-core cyclist. Now, don't get me wrong - I enjoy cycling, just more in a low-key, recreational type of way. Yesterday I completed 50 mi in a little over 4 hrs, not too shabby! But after years of tinkering, I've yet to find a bike seat that doesn't feel as if I'm being cut in two (a la "The Little Mermaid", only from the crotch instead of the feet) after a few hrs in the saddle... Give me a REAL saddle any day of the week!
I SAG'd into the last stop yesterday, fully intending to push in those last 13 mi to the Texas Motor Speedway - but then I punctured the tube of Pickle Juice I had in my back jersey pocket & it leaked down the R side of my back & hip... I can't stand pickles, but finally took everyone's advice & did several "shots" yesterday - it really did seem to help stave off lactic acid buildup & electrolyte imbalance; I may have to start using it on endurance rides! Our Texas weather suddenly decided that Summer is Here, w/temperatures jumping from mild 70's to mid-90's yesterday. Between that late-afternoon heat beating down on my head & the pain in my seat, I got back in line for the next SAG wagon to the TMS... I had lots of company.
My boy went out charging ahead of me, but was stopped by "The Hydration Police" coming into Rest Stop 4 (60 mi) - forced to camp out in the medical tent for a while & drink a couple of bottles of water, he SAG'd in to ride the last 5 mi into the Speedway.
He didn't apply enough sunscreen despite momma's nagging, insisted in his teenage omniscience on wearing a tank top, & wound up sunburnt across shoulders & down his lats.
Bottom line, it just wasn't worth it to roust him out at 5:00 AM today (esp stacked on top of yesterday's 4:30 start) - I thought he would enjoy Sun morning's opening lap around the Speedway, but Z didn't want to "start something he couldn't finish"... Neither one of us has 65 mi in us today, and Day 2 is a more difficult than Day 1.
(Despite trying to let my teen sleep in, he was awake by 7:00, so I must finish my fact-facing retrospective later - after all, the whole point was to enjoy our time together! Time for breakfast Sparkers.)With Friends Like This...
Wednesday, May 07, 2014
...(fill in the blank) we all know the rest of that phrase! I'm still shaking my head, mildly flabbergasted - even though after all these years NOTHING L does should surprise me.
She's a hard friend to make, and an even HARDER friend to keep. Complaints abound (I have to admit, mine included) concerning her abrasive manner, her policy of Absolute Honesty with No Filter when it comes to speaking her mind. She is a steadfast and generous friend, a phenomenally hard worker, intelligent & incisive. But oh my! (I need to dump this here, sorry my SparkFriends)
I came across an interesting blog post on my Divorced Mom network as Cuckoo Momma asked "...at what point do you stop considering other people and live your life?" It really made me stop and think, bcz it seems that I've been "running to keep up" for YEARS w/Lucy, which is a losing battle. She's single, childless, and estranged from her family. Therefore all her holidays & weekends can be devoted to training - but mine, not so much.
Two weeks ago, we met up for dinner & a movie before the Bluebonnet endurance ride; L gave me a sack o' books in our usual Library Exchange, along w/a cute lil' sea turtle paperweight to pass along to ride manager Carla to use as one of her "Turtle" awards... I commented on its cuteness & L told me I was welcome to it, but she'd told Carla she was donating it. (I've got several turtle awards of my own already ;-)
I'm the one who messed up & failed to deliver the prize - I had promised Carla I'd help out w/pre-ride exams, we were busy w/close to 90 riders. I saw stacks of awards stashed under the pavilion, so I thought to myself: "Carla's got this". When L called me for my mandatory Ride Report, I told her that Carla didn't NEED her turtle, she'd gotten plenty of donations (for this regional championship).
Then this past Mon (day before yesterday), I received a puzzled voicemail from Carla - apparently SHE got a nasty email from Lucy admonishing her for not utilizing her award??!!?? Small potatoes, I know, but I have to admit my BP spiked a bit: if Lucy is mad, why doesn't she gripe to ME (the person responsible) rather than unloading on poor Carla - up to her earlobes managing her ride while taking care of her elderly mother who's in declining health? Go figure!
Me, I'd rather post photos from these recent milestones:
My intrepid lil' pony before our Bluebonnet "training ride"
Fat Girl on a bike, not lookin' too shabby around 8 mi in! (blurry reproduction since I haven't decided whether I'll buy this ride photo or not)
The Three Muskateers: Trainer Bill, me, & smart-aleck son (he was starting to make a rude gesture) at the start of the ride (i.e. the only time we were all 3 in the same place at the same time)Face Value
Saturday, May 17, 2014
I must have started this entry a half dozen times, but I need to just abide by the title & lay it out...
Taking things at face value:
Hubby plans on Going Home for visit "around Thanksgiving" which will rule out Z or my attendance. I can't justify trans-Atlantic flights over a 4-d school holiday! (I had thrown out a query about Aug, what I had tentatively mentioned in Jan when MIL was visiting)
Got notification from Ex - he's completely ignoring Z's wishes, wants to start summer visitation 6/29 thru 8/01 (yes he gets 5 wks, awarded by court after last custody battle).
This throws summer plans into sharp relief - while it was certainly "magical thinking" to contemplate being able to take Z to Ft Stanton, it's a sharp pang of disappointment nonetheless. I worry about critical mass, when Z is finally fed up w/his father's nonsense. (The latest gem: M thinks Z's latest round of weight gain/muscle building is an attempt to "best him"! Guilty conscience, anyone?)
I've stepped off the edge of my "high plateau" but now seem to be stuck at this 98-kg mark... My "new normal" perhaps?? Lots of great ideas from 4-hr Body, very few of which I seem to be able to implement on consistent basis... (Slow carb, various supplements, the most efficient exercises...) After all, this bod is the only thing which is entirely w/in my control. I'm haunted by cruel barbs from Ex: this shell I present to the world appears to be an undisciplined, lazy mess. No wonder P doesn't want to take me places.Facing More Facts...
Saturday, May 24, 2014
...P may love this farm, but he doesn't love ME. (w/deep appreciation for everyone's acute insights; things have been too hectic for me to thank each commenter individually)
I know I've been tip-toeing around our issues, avoiding The Truth at all costs, but this latest betrayal is that proverbial straw breaking my (figurative) overloaded camel's back. (Sorry for cheap metaphors; I'm tired)
No man who loved me would go behind my back (in the span of less than a single day; he didn't even give us a CHANCE of talking this out!) & rat out my son to my sociopathic ex-husband... The details are irrelevant, it's the INTENT that matters! He did it to hurt me, in the lowest crudest way possible. I've ignored the jealousy, the back-biting nitpickiness, the crude sniping (I've called him out on it more often recently but it hasn't made one damn bit of difference), but I can no longer stomach it. (Isn't that an appropriate word selection? I HAVE been "stomaching it", protecting myself w/this thick layer of blubber as if it were a suit of armor... And all along I thought I was hung up on my miserable late pregnancy/childbirth experience)
I have to protect myself & I have to protect MY BELOVED SON. I've never understood the mindset behind women who tolerate (more severely) abusive situations, but I guess after all, it's all a matter of degrees ain't it? The boiling frog, etc... I put up w/worse sh!t throughout 1st marriage, so this seemed like small potatoes indeed. You're right, my dear SparkFriends, I DO deserve a man who loves me "as is" - but if my prince ain't out there, I'll make do w/dogs & horses...
On w/our weekend - I don't intend to let P ruin this precious time w/my boy... Can't dwell on the fact that M has arranged things now so that he'll get 3 of the 4 weekends in June (I hadn't realized until I studied calendar the other day that Father's Day is 2nd w/e) or that no doubt M will withhold signing off on Z's drivers ed certificate (Sweet 16 coming up in 2 short wks) - I just have to concentrate on what I CAN do...Another Training Ride...
Monday, May 26, 2014
Hope everyone is having a nice relaxing Memorial Day weekend... Mine hasn't been too bad, all things considered - even if Scarlett & I failed to secure a completion on yesterday's ride...
I took my mare to her 2nd event deep in the heart of TX (actually due S of Ft Hood): we pulled into camp Sat PM under overcast skies, warm & humid conditions. We had a big downpour Sat evening, Sun morning dawned w/looming storm clouds… Got about halfway through our 1st 15-mi loop before it started sprinkling. Came in for 1st vet check, settled in for mandatory hour rest period w/rain sheets on the ponies, went into trailer to change into dry clothes. By the time we prepared to leave out on 2nd loop, it had quit raining, sun was peeking out. On 2nd loop it was steaming us; had to slow way down & we were running out of time. (6 hr limit which includes hold time = 5 hrs to complete 25 mi. Averaging 5 MPH sounds like a cinch on horseback doesn't it? Well not so much when there's rocks & mud & high humidity!) Sweet Scarlett missed meeting pulse criteria by 5 min, which meant no completion for us… So I get to chalk that one up as a “good training ride”. I’m still very proud of her; she’s going to be an awesome trail horse.
Came home last night & P is acting as if "all is well"... I'm not taking any definitive action until legal consult. Hopefully we can handle initial stuff via email, otherwise I can't get across town to see him until Thurs.A Concession
Wednesday, June 04, 2014
...Even though I may sneer inwardly at "self-hackers" who in all seriousness, see ALL food items as potential inflammatory agents, I have to sit up & take notice when I am overwhelmed by debilitating waves of fatigue yesterday even after getting what FELT like a decent-enough night's sleep! (and this isn't a new problem; I feel most days as if I'm struggling through quicksand... Is this what "chronic fatigue syndrome" looks like?) Took Z to gym as promised, but could only force myself through 10 min on elliptical as I mentally reviewed my long list of Things Remaining to Be Done & decided to conserve the little energy I had left...
Do I blame the accumulated stress of these last weeks as I approach these next few hurdles: isn't this supposed to be recreation? The long-distance bike rides, my 40-mile failure at Bluebonnet, our super-secret Girls Weekend Out (5/17), racing away for a 1-d LD Special over Memorial Day weekend, last weekend's reward weekend from Merial which had to be earned through prolonged slogs through traffic?? I've been on the go almost every single weekend since... mid-April at least. It all adds up - I can no longer maintain the hectic pace which has been My Typical Schedule in years past.
As much as I wanted to pinch the smug grin off my endocrinologist's face a few years back as I lamented my low energy levels (couldn't we DO something to tweak my thyroid hormone levels?!?) & he said, "Well, you're not 25 anymore!" - I may have to concede defeat in this arena. It may be time to slow the eff down, say "No" more often so I can actually ENJOY the recreational activities I have scheduled vs frantic preparation followed by exhaustive recovery...
(Now you must excuse me for a bit as I race across town to pick up my son - I let him sleep over at a friend's... Remind me HOW soon he can take that driver's license test? - next week if his father cooperates & signs off on driver's ed certificate!)A Horse of a Different Color...
Friday, June 27, 2014
Here the month of June has RACED by & now I have only 3 short days to spend w/my boy before he's gone for summer visitation. This sh!t never gets any easier - I swear in a lot of ways it's MORE difficult to send Z away now than when he was a toddler. I think he's deliberately goading his father, and dread the fallout if/when either one of them loses their temper(s).
Yesterday I got a nasty email from Ex concerning how I must "help him w/Z's driving" - apparently (according to Ex) Z ran a red light last Sun** as he drove them to our Hostage Exchange Point (TM), and M thinks he lacks the emotional maturity to drive on his own at this point. Not surprisingly, M has withheld the parent-led driver's ed certificate when Z SHOULD have been eligible to take his driving test this month after he turned 16... I kept on telling Z nevermind, I'd sign him up for driver's ed AGAIN & I'D sign off on it - as irritating as it would be to have to repeat/pay for all that work, it would be LESS troublesome than playing games w/M - yet poor Z kept on telling me: "No, Mom, I'll convince him THIS weekend!" Wishful thinking.
**of course I asked Z about this incident & he claims it was a caution light which turned red as he passed thru the intersection... Without a doubt I'm sure Z pushes the limits w/his dad - it's a guy thing, since all I seem to do is keep reminding Z to "slow DOWN". He's done quite well w/me even bucking heavy Dallas traffic...
Today is P's 48th birthday. I had no earthly idea what to get him - he's a hard guy to shop for since he has the tendency of a long-term bachelor to just save up, then go buy himself what he wanted: golf clubs, clothes, personal hygiene...
So I bought a piece of artwork for our living room: a vibrant zebra in earth tones which I think will complement the green of our wall. Hopefully I'll get it hung this afternoon & will post a photo. Representative of my commitment to slow the eff down a little, I'll be moving my endurance quilt from its place of honor.
P surprised me by saying he would accompany me on this summer's pilgrimage to NM - what's it been, 7 or 8 yrs?!? The part of me that appreciates those cool & restful high desert nights is already feeling resentful - this AM I had to "abandon ship" for the couch @ 4:30 AM since P was snoring. He wants to check out some of the golf courses around Riudoso while I ride (I offered to haul his pony but he said "No thanks!"), so if nothing else maybe I can catch up w/a few afternoon naps... I know I won't be up to the grueling pace of DAILY rides, so I'm going to shoot for an every-other-day schedule. It will truly be a change of pace.Back Into the Frying Pan
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
...otherwise known as the hot yoga studio! Yeah, I know the old saying goes "Out of the frying pan, into the FIRE" but simmering at a low boil more closely fits MY experience w/hot yoga!
I forced myself back through the doors of my hot yoga studio last week to find that Master Dan has hung curtains, darkening the room & lessening the glare of that painful reflection in the mirror... Might as well accept where I am & "begin again".
I received an impressive "recharge effect": a few hrs of lasting energy which was especially appreciated since I've been suffering from worse-than-usual afternoon slumps... In large part this has been due to the increased workload since my associate has been gone for the month of June on her annual African mission trip. Add that to the anticipatory stress of summer visitation and it yields One Tired Puppy!
This has strengthened my resolve to do a little bit of yoga each & every day; I may never be able to fold myself into a yogic pretzel, but every little bit helps my stiff back, my aching knees, my poor flat feet. Use it or lose it, babydoll - you know you ain't getting any younger!
I dragged my boy & his BF into last Sun's class - they even admitted to ENJOYING THEMSELVES! Z did Wheel pose near the end while I was satisfied w/a strong Bridge - I used to be able to do a full Plow pose, but for now I do Legs-Up-The-Wall; I'll have to practice in the privacy of my own home before trying it at the studio...Meditation My A$$
Wednesday, July 02, 2014
Yes, today is Wednesday, July 2nd, Anno Domini 2014...
Did I do any "real" yoga practice yesterday? NO (A few minor stretches at my desk don't really count) After ONE blessed day of tracking Mon, did I veer wildly off the rails yesterday? YES (something about dutifully logging in my food choices - even if they're mostly good for that particular day! - seems to trigger deep dark rebellion in my soul)
I've been shuffling the entry forms for my summer vacation, my traditional annual NM pilgrimage to Ft Stanton which will be "something completely different" w/Hubby tagging along after, what? 7 or 8 yrs' absence... There's really NO excuse for me not to at least knock out 1 "real" endurance ride there (a 55 miler) since I'll have a crew member again. (P used to be an excellent crew person - maybe way back when he was still trying to impress me?!? but seems to have lost his enthusiasm for horse camp these past few years) I've never gotten this far into a ride season without any "real" mileage... (Only 50 mi & up events count; those 25 - 35 mi events are termed Limited Distance for a reason) There was a big debate raging on our Facebook forum a while back: those who think all mileage should be lumped together vs diehards like me who continue to believe they should be 2 separate categories! It's like the difference between a 10K & a marathon...
Anyway, I kept on thinking I would be able to sit & meditate on the concept: where has my enthusiasm for ultra long distance riding gone? Is it just purely physical, w/my recent symptoms of fatigue/nausea/heat stress - there are plenty of folks my age & much MUCH older (ahem, look at She Who Shall Not Be Named**) still going strong, so this is frustrating... Then again, this is SUPPOSED to be recreation & there's no point in laying out significant sums of $$$ in entry fees & travel expenses if I'm going to only get partway through & Rider Option out (i.e. QUIT). It's a lousy, worthless feeling, I can tell ya that much!
**An added layer of misery was added when I had to look upon a glowing 2-pg article in our endurance magazine last month, since SWSNBN won our "Pard'ners" award: kind of a glorified popularity contest for long-term members who have amassed high mileage w/the same equine partner:
"Pard'ners Award: Rider and horse perform together as a mutually bonded team. Rider and horse engender a spirit of friendship, enthusiasm and championship that makes those around them glad to have attended the ride. However competitive they may be, good sportsmanship remains their first priority. Horse and rider take care of each other. Together horse and rider personify the prevailing and abiding goal of AERC "To Finish is to Win." This award was established in honor of the late Mae Schlegel. Selection is made by nomination and announced at annual Awards Banquet. Recipient receives keepsake plaque and name of horse and rider engraved onto perpetual trophy."
GAG; I lost count of how many times Slut mentioned "her wonderful husband M"...
www.aerc.org/Pardners.as
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The early entry deadline expires TOMORROW, so I've got to make a decision which I hope will be the best one in my usual impulsive & haphazard way: I'll ride a 55 on Baraq on Day 1, the short "Fun Ride" on Day 2 which is only 12 mi on Scarlett (last year she slung me off in a minor campground dispute - yes I got right back on her & schooled her a bit more, but I'd lost my enthusiasm for taking her out on that rugged trail - imagine that! However, she's much less green this year.), a 35-mi LD on Day 3 on Baraq, and "PERHAPS" another 35-mi LD on Scarlett on Day 4 if she's behaving herself...
There ya go - that's my plan & I'm stickin' to it! 
Splendid Behavior
Saturday, July 05, 2014
(subtitled: ongoing frustrations w/technology)
I'll never understand how our lil' masterpieces of modern technology will perform exactly as I asked in one instant, then in the next, lock up??!!?? I wanted to post pix from yesterday's parade directly from iPhone to (hopefully) solve the 90-degree rotation problem... 1st photo went right thru**; 2nd remains in limbo (8 min now as I type on slightly more reliable iPad) Ah well - my intentions were good, dear SparkFriends! & if you know me on FB, photos already up there...
**then it locked up again when I tried to post, so I had to close it down...
Yesterday I once again rode Miss Scarlett in our local parade: 3 mi to town, 1.5 mi parade route, 3 mi back home. Only complication was neighbor's newly adopted Chow mix, who's been perfectly nice on the ground, but decided to bark & snap at horses when we mounted up! I was rooting for Alex-mule to kick him, but she kept missing. Poor flustered Scarlett whirled & plunged until I pulled her down to a stop, dismounted to rope stupid dog (he also had no knowledge of what a leash was, so I had another minor rodeo there!), & drag him off to stash in shed...
Overall splendid behavior from both equines - sweet Alex hasn't been ridden since Mar 1st - when Z & I aborted our trip to E Texas d.t. busted water pump on trailer, rode at local park & Scarlett dumped me on my upper back - an injury that kept me afoot for the month... I really don't know how I managed to keep my seat yesterday, w/Scarlett plunging down the back incline of our dam. Pure luck!
So today I'm back to packing trailer - while I'd really like to get in a short session w/spoilt colt Moonie, I can't really take the time to haul off anywhere... Ah well, that's what the round pen in for! (I tried to persuade Scarlett to swim across our pond after we got home, but she'd only go stirrup-deep... So I swam by myself later after I'd unsaddled & hosed her off ;-)
You Get Used to It
Monday, July 14, 2014
...failure, that is!!!
Here I sit, in an afternoon thunderstorm in my beautiful Ft Stanton, contemplating my mistakes... As the immortal Augustus McCrae said, if you do it frequently it's no worse than a dry shave!
But there's a lot more to riding 55 mi than simply WISHING it so - yesterday I got 34 mi done but had to pack it in... A little heat stress, a little dehydration, a little stiff neck & spine from B-boy's antics added up to more misery than I wanted to "endure" for 20 more miles...
When I entered yesterday's 4 hr 45 min ride, Spark Tracker gave me credit for 4500+ cal (unlikely) & the following helpful hint:
*The number of calories you should eat to manage your weight depends on many factors, including how many calories you burn through exercise. It may seem counterintuitive, but eating too little while burning too much can actually hurt your weight-management goals and the outcome of your fitness program. If you are consistently burning more calories than recommended here, please update your fitness settings as soon as possible. This may adjust your calorie ranges (if necessary) so you can reach your goals in a timely and healthy manner."
Ha! What would it say if I updated my WEIGHT to show last year's regain?!? Huh, guess it ain't all CICO (Calories In/Calories Out) after all... May I point y'all to this excellent post: (32 yr old nurse who has lost 160 lbs on ketogenic diet, maintaining wt loss for over 10 yrs now)
itsthewooo.blogspot.com/
2014/07/athleticism-does-n
ot-produce-health-it.html?m=1
(The comments can be as informational/entertaining as the blog)
TX territory in NM (my neighbor's trailer; the view from my front door w/blue skies in distance!)Quince
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Sorry, my dear SparkFriends - while I've been mulling over this extra-special Fifteenth Year memorial post ever since we got back from our all-too-brief NM vacation, doesn't look as though I'll have time to chart it out today...
Real Life, you see, has this unfortunate habit of intruding! Lucky for all of you that I HAVEN'T had the time to whine about Another Crappy Visitation Period: missing my son, yes indeed, coupled w/intense frustration that I could only communicate w/him on rare occasion (most of my calls yielded an out-of-service msg, while my TM's went largely unanswered)... We got word 2 wks ago that our friend/neighbor passed away somewhat prematurely (he'd been battling colon cancer for almost 2 yrs) & his memorial service was yesterday: another sobering occasion which deserves an entire thoughtful post by itself)... And as usual, work's been wearing my a$$ out!
I felt SO debilitated last Fri afternoon, struggling through a double slate of appts, that I pulled out the glucometer to check my blood sugar. (Perfectly normal @ 100 mg) - although I desperately wish I could pinpoint what unholy alliance of insomnia/poor nutrition/lack of aerobic exercise is dragging me down, making me feel horrible! (I started to type "old", but when your 82-yr old mother is outworking ya, it's obviously not your AGE!)
But life waits for no one - esp not ME, so it's down to the barn for me this fine morning as long as I can still stagger along...Last Day of Summer...
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
(school starts manana for my boy)
...yet I don't have a clue where this past year has gone! Seems like I was literally just getting everything loaded up for last year's Wish Fulfillment Trip, our big haul to the Grand Canyon ride.
As I've glanced at the ride calendar THIS year, I've scrolled quickly past it so I won't pout about missing this year's event...
I've never been this deep into a ride season w/out a single 50 mi completion: it leads me to question my whole purpose in life. I've defined myself as an endurance rider for 23 yrs now; what happens when I don't have what it takes anymore?? (Note to self: write letter to our prez Mike Campbell agreeing w/his "dear friend" about endurance values) Just the facts: a 25 or 35-mi LD event is fun, TRUE endurance starts at 50 mi, and a 100 mi event sounds like The Impossible Dream in my current untrained & fatigued state.
I'm hoping to squeak by w/a relatively "easy" 50 in NM next month to boost my self-esteem, but I just threw down a gauntlet to myself: I signed up for a horsemanship/yoga workshop in Costa Rica at the end of February - another one of my "dream" trips! - with only one small catch, a weight limit of 190 lbs! (Ahem, that translates into 30 lbs)
barkinghorsefarm.com/tre
king/2014-2015-cross-count
ry-trek-schedule/
So today, for real, the serious dieting begins. The word for the next 5 mos is Accountability. Absolute perfection is unattainable & unnecessary, but if I haven't made significant progress by the end of this month, I'd better "Rider Option" out of this trip to spare myself the embarrassment. (Will the farm have scales by the tack room, or will they simply eyeball ya?? Or is it as the hang-gliding outfit admitted** - if you've got the cash, they'll let ya slide through w/a few extra pounds!)
**They had a weight limit of 200 lbs posted, but would have let me fly if I'd have cowboy'd up...No thanks, I was there for my boy to fly - I'll take my thrills n' chills in the saddle!Back to the Beginning
Friday, August 15, 2014
Marshaling my resources/reviewing my tools once again...
Brewing together my own strange patchwork quilt of low-carb/primal regimen with a generous helping of Intermittent Fasting & juicing, accompanied by a handful of supplements (when I can remember to take 'em ;-) ...
I know this journey will be measured in ounces rather than pounds w/my whacked out menopausal** metabolism, but nevertheless it's gratifying to see a 2-lb drop on the scales after my first week of "Hope & Change".
**Came home Tues night bloated & miserable, w/lower abdominal pain that felt suspiciously like cramps (when I haven't had a period since Jan). This persisted through Thurs - I woke up pain-free w/ghostly spotting. Sayonara from my ovaries??!!??
I've studied Barking Horse Farm's website - despite the New Agey, hippy-dippy Parelli philosophy (I've used a few Parelli techniques primarily in the training of my knot-headed QH gelding; I just don't ascribe to his whole theory of equitation), I really want to go on this trip - I think it'll be awesome. While a rider's weight (in a correctly fitted saddle) should THEORETICALLY have no adverse effects on a horse's back - there are several pages in this month's issue of my Endurance News magazine devoted to tips & discussion about heavyweight riders (in our sport that's any COMBINED tack & rider weight above 211 lbs)...
I've had saddle fit issues myself, but since refitting a Specialized saddle for my lil' greyhound 4 or 5 yrs ago, Baraq has had no problems toting my freight even though at his "fattest", he tops out around 780 lbs! (Ahem, that means we are EXACTLY at the maximum 30% weight-carrying capacity)
Anyway, I'm rambling on but in the end, I understand where they're coming from in setting an arbitrary weight limit. Of course, it's their horses, their rules so I'll just have to wait n' see if I can get "close enough" in 5 mos' time...
Horseshoes & hand grenades not withstanding ;-)Keeping my Distance
Friday, August 22, 2014
...I stuck my head around the corner to confirm Hubs was in his upstairs office, then withdrew... Don't feel like getting into it this early in the AM! Why my "boys" are constantly feuding - well, sh!t, here if nowhere else you can at least be honest!
Why does P never have a positive word for his stepson, constantly berating, criticizing, reminding Z of his never-ending To-Do list - how did my baby get all grown up so suddenly?!? Z tells us about his plans - a DATE Sat night, honey?!? (1st "real" one, picking her up, going to drive-in & everything!) but P is reminding him that our handyman is coming Mon to install new flooring in Z's BR, we MUST finish the repainting by Sun! Why can't he be pleased & proud for "our" big strapping boy, JUST THIS ONCE??!!??
I tried to adhere to "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" in my web-surfing these past few days as I settle into my dieting routine... I'm rather bitchy & short-tempered, foregoing my usual crutches - but home scales (the True Arbiters) show me down 3 lbs in 10 d... (Was going to adhere to weekly weigh-ins, but needed some small ego boost)
I have 20 wks to lose 20 lbs - 1 lb per wk sounds quite manageable, but I need to plan for holidays (gulp, Thanksgiving!), nor am I going to sacrifice minor pleasures like happy hour last week or a birthday luncheon w/an old friend yesterday... Much easier to concentrate on myself ain't it? But Hubby came back downstairs & is apparently speaking to ME civilly so I suppose it's only polite to respond.
Wishing all my SparkFriends a restful (or busy & productive as the case may be) upcoming weekend - I've hauled several bags o' stuff out of Z's room as we revamp it; maybe this will be the time for home organization as I get myself back in shape!P.P.T.
Monday, August 25, 2014
(Warning: long rambling post in which Val shows her age!)
But first, the good news: down 5 lbs in 2 wks, which for me is a phenomenal rate of loss, given my under-achieving metabolism! I know there's no way it will last - I just need to hold onto this feeling to get me through the tough slogs over Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Xmas holidays when I'm preparing myself mentally for a stall-out or even slight regain.
I had to laugh when I logged my 3 hrs of house painting yesterday: SparkTracker credited me almost 1200 cal, just under 400 cal/hr!?! Granted, today my knees, back, & pecs ARE sore from all the ladder-climbing, bending & stooping down to the floor - we put the final touches on Z's BR last night while WONDERS NEVER CEASE - P even picked up a brush to HELP us instead of critically commenting on Z's level of commitment!
(After helping me for a little over an hour Sun AM, Z bugged out in the PM to go "hang" w/his friend... I didn't have the heart to crack the whip on him, since his date Sat night had come to naught. He ain't talking about it, but I presume her parents nixed the plan of Z driving up to town, bringing her back down to our neighborhood to go to the drive-in, then getting her home at a decent hour... There are definite DISADVANTAGES to living out in the boonies.)
My new mantra has been "P.P.T." as I've tried to surf the waves of my emotions here lately, instead of stuffing 'em down or acting 'em out... Borrowing the phrase from another blogger whose advice most often begins with: "We are powerless over PEOPLE, PLACES, & THINGS..." in other words, don't fret over those things which are out of your control! My old-style jukebox memory has set this to music - Michael Jackson's "P.Y.T." Check it out!
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P.
Y.T._%28Pretty_Young_Thing%29
Another layer of dark nostalgia beckons - my ex-husband had a vinyl copy of "Thriller", Way Back When he was an well-balanced, intriguing young man w/diverse tastes in music & pop culture... However, it isn't until this very day that I notice the subtle irony of young MJ's bow tie. Hard to believe he's been gone for over 4 yrs now - let me try to post an amusing picture of my Young Artist at Work to balance things out:
White Knuckles
Friday, September 05, 2014
(Stress level has been even HIGHER than average these past 11 days)
Yes, on the very day I wrote my last optimistic post (8/25), that tingling of my Mommy Sense was confirmed when Z wrecked his (almost new, sob!) little VW while rushing to his dad's house Mon night...
I've had a bad feeling ever since Z got his license (last wk of July) that he was GOING to wreck, it was just a question of when & how bad it would be... He slid into the ditch to avoid a rear-end collision, doing significant damage to undercarriage. Ugh.
So the good news is, Z didn't hit anybody, he wasn't harmed himself, the car can be repaired. Hopefully this was the wake-up call he needed to SLOW DOWN, pay better attention (no he wasn't texting or talking, but admittedly going too fast!), and THIS was actually the incident my Mommy-sense was warning me about!
Z was only a couple of mi from his dad's, so he drove his damaged chariot on in... M reported it shouldn't be driven any farther, so I had the dealership tow it in & now we're at that lovely stage where insurance & body shop are haggling over estimates... Grandma jumped in w/generous offer to let Z use their 2nd car, w/stipulation that it NOT be driven to M's place (perfectly understandable w/Bad Blood history of threats & intimidation dished out by M) - hence Z being afoot over Labor Day weekend. I felt really horrible that he thus missed out on his classmate's big Labor Day lake party (for the 3rd year running), but Grandma & I philosophized that perhaps this would make a deeper impression than any possible punishment** we could impose...
**M in his usual catastrophic manner, told me that "I should make Z pay the deductible" after initially informing me "Z's lucky to be ALIVE!!!" which I didn't even dignify w/a response. The child is 16 & still attends school (thank God!) & does not have a JOB (in part thanks to grueling visitation schedule - he really WANTED to get a job this summer, but between his dad jerking him around on his driver's license & the challenges of being strung out between 2 households 65 mi apart, it wasn't happening! Should I take the money out of Z's college savings account??? That would be like robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Anyway, I'm down net 6 lbs despite these stressors - I knew my rate of loss would slow down, but at least I continue in the right direction... Technically I have 24 wks (I miscalculated earlier) but don't want that extra "cushion" to make me complacent! not that it would hurt me a bit to shave off an extra 5 lbs for Baraq's sake ;-) !!!Truth or Consequences
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
...is where I'm heading this weekend (if I get all the obstacles cleared!), but it's also a pretty good blog title!
1.) Still waiting for final settlement from insurance co to bail Z's car out of body shop... Had to drop another $130 on old Chevy pickup for leaking power steering pump yesterday, but I should be grateful that the old cruiser is holding up alright for Z even though it's a gas-guzzler. Ouch!!!
2.) My OWN truck (the 3 yr old w/"only" 57K miles - that's low mileage in our household) started flashing a "Low Fuel Pressure" light at me last week - the shop has had a hell of a time figuring out this diagnostic puzzle. At first they thought it was merely a sensor, but problem persisted so they kept it over the weekend. Now they're certain that it's the high-pressure fuel pump, but awaiting OK from Ford for warranty work? (Getting ready to call & raise hell - I NEED my truck back tonight so I can get her cleaned out, repacked & hitched up for trip this weekend... I do not understand why there would even be any debate over whether or not it's under warranty - it only has 57K miles but a 70K power train warrancy??!!??) OTOH, I'm glad she decided to warn me at home - I wouldn't want to be stranded in the wilds of NM!
3.) And speaking of being on a tight schedule, I have "sort of" an ethical dilemma. I planned this particular trip not only bcz I love riding in NM, but offered to pick up my pal Karen who lives just S of Amarillo (whose mare came up lame for our June ride), so it's kind of a make-up...
Now her mare has relapsed (lame again), and Karen has not followed up on my recommendations for basic lameness workup & X-rays. I'm the first to sympathize w/a fellow busy working mom, but this problem is now stretching past 3 months. She had mentioned that a neighbor was letting her ride HER idle mare, but hasn't called me back over this past wk: I've been trying to touch base to coordinate travel/pickup plans. It's "only" a little over 100 mi out of my way to swing by & pick Karen up - I realize not everyone is as compulsive as I am about having everything "planned out", but I would think common courtesy would dictate the briefest of call-backs?!?
Then she mentioned in a TEXT this AM (didn't want to "face" me w/a ph call?) that she has to be back Sun night - still no mention of whether the neighbor's mare is shod & RTG, she just said her mare is still lame, she could just come out to crew for us.
What I'm inclined to do is to retract my offer to pick her up - instead ask her to drive out & meet us at camp - she could ride my Baraq on Sun bcz I expect IF I successfully complete Sat's 50, I'll be wiped out! That way she could cut & run for home early; and I could go straight on back myself, saving about 200 mi/$70+ worth of diesel. Guess she'll either understand or be PO'd at me. Them's the breaks. I decided quite a while back that I can't be all things to all people.
(I had mentioned to her way back when that she would be welcome to ride Alex-mule or Miss Scarlett - but if she truly wanted to, she should have SPOKEN UP, equines must be shod & I must pack accordingly - so to me it's quite rude to keep me hanging until the last minute here)Truth AND Consequences...
Monday, September 22, 2014
My weekend flew by in a flurry of activities which were all unfortunately UNRELATED to a good road trip/nice ride! Ford Motor Co is well into the process of creating a lifelong dissatisfied customer: the slow tedious "warranty-repair approval process" continues, today marking Day 11 of my truck's incarceration... We'll see if today's last-ditch replacement of high-pressure fuel pump fixes this obscure "Low Fuel Pressure" problem!
I suppose I'd be even MORE disgruntled if the truck were NOT under warranty, since not only would I have missed my long-awaited trip to a novel riding locale in NM, I'd also be out thousands of dollars in repair bills!!! (But my friend Lucy is saying we need to submit our invoices for farrier work & groceries ;-) Still, it's an ominous thing for my "almost-new" (3.5 yr old) vehicle to be suffering these indignities, especially after all the ballyhooed longevity & reliability of the diesel... (It's my first diesel truck) After all, I have many more Big Road Trips planned, and I would hate these voyages to be plagued by breakdowns. Ugh, nothing is certain in this rough ol' life, is it???
One thing IS certain: I need to sh!t or get off the pot by bumping myself off this minor plateau - I seem to keep on sabotaging myself, maintaining at this 7-lbs-down-14-to-go level for the past 2 wks. That's just enough for me to FEEL a little better, clothes not QUITE so tight - but not enough for anyone to NOTICE anything yet. (Yes my vanity requires tribute after all this effort ;-) I am truly CRAVING my yoga workouts now - haven't tackled any of the DDP "Extreme" segments yet, but feel fairly proficient at "Fat Burner", "Stand Up", & "Strength" (which is the toughest of the 3, w/pushups that I still must do "girly style")
I still have 21 wks to lose 14 lbs (MINIMUM; as I've said before a few extra lbs wouldn't hurt me, plus giving myself a little extra "cushion" w/multiple holidays coming up won't hurt either!!!) So it's back to it, soldier!Facing Fears
Sunday, October 05, 2014
Whelp, tomorrow will mark 18 d of ailing truck in shop - don't want to jinx myself, but she is promised back this week!
Short lived but intense storms blew thru Thurs, knocking out power at home AND clinic, pruning out lots of tree limbs & peeling off part of barn roof... Oh yeah, lost a few shingles off the house too! Then weather cleared out for a BEAUTIFUL mild weekend so here I've sat, trying not to dwell on my friends riding at a new locale only about 120 mi away... (Complicating things was Homecoming w/e for Z, which he chose as "stay home" - so while I couldn't have taken off ALL w/e, originally I'd hoped to at least attend Sun's ride)
I used to rack up virtually ALL my training mileage riding down the roadside of my own neighborhood, but gave it up as population density has increased, drivers have no common sense, and Z's beloved dog was killed on the road about 4.5 yrs ago... However in desperation I took Scarlotta out on the "short loop" (6 mi around block) this afternoon. She actually did quite well w/only a few minor boogers. Pulse recovery to 56 w/in 10 min. which is excellent progress!
Now if only I could say the same for myself - I remain perched on my plateau, making no particular claims about sticking to plan. It doesn't MATTER if SP grants me 1800 - 2100 cal, I know w/MY metabolism I can only have 1300 -1500 MAX for any wt to be lost. It's gonna be real embarrassing to ask for my deposit back, but that's what I'll need to do by the end of Oct if I don't make further progress. Damned if I'll beg for special dispensation for this fat girl... I might could sneak by w/an extra 5 lbs, but not 15!!! That would be humiliating.Sun AM Musings
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Picked up my truck Thurs (they actually called Wed to tell me she was ready) - dealership did only thing it could, I guess, to try to placate me - wrote off ALL work, even the fuel filters that service mgr had originally (apologetically) explained I WOULD be liable for (even though I'd just replaced them less than 3000 mi back)... So all it cost me was the massive inconvenience of missing two events, several training rides, having to haul in my feed in small portions instead of the usual 400-lb, one-month supply...Oh, and a tank of diesel since they had to drain & drop the tank in the course of repairs ($100)
I'm well aware that nothing in life is certain, but it feels ominous to me - all this repair work on a fairly new truck which I have driven well, and faithfully kept up w/all recommended maintenance. A couple of riding buddies have actually been calling: worried bcz they haven't seen me recently! It's good to be missed, anyway.
You might think that I'd have taken advantage of all this downtime to clean tack, reorganize trailers, etc, but that would (ahem) be a mistake... Once again I was shuffling tack into my old trailer yesterday, since today's expedition will be escorting my groomer's daughters on a short trail ride! (The 15 yr old has done a couple of events w/me on Z's sweet mule, while the 10 yr old has finally gotten her courage up after practicing at home a bit to ride good ol' Champ (the husband horse) This is assuming, of course, that it doesn't RAIN any more... Can't complain one bit, it's been desperately needed!
And next weekend, I'll be back in the saddle for Scarlett's next 25-miler as we see how the Baraquinator does in the 50, packing about 60 lbs less under my Featherweight friend Christina...
Thank God the scales have shifted - only 0.5 lbs down but I'll take ANY progress to get off this plateau. Just started Wk 2 of C25K, so far so good. Minor stiffness n' soreness, painful corn on L foot at least hasn't gotten any worse. I meditated yesterday about how beautiful Costa Rica is going to be - maybe that helped?
The past 2 Thurs nights, Hubby & I have surfed across The Biggest Loser & God help us, watched quite a bit... What further proof is needed of "The Nightmare on ELMM St"??
My cousin has painstakingly peeled off 20 lbs** required by his surgeon & will hopefully have his knee replacement scheduled shortly - he's been in constant pain for years now, degenerative arthritis being his souvenir of a terrible ski accident 25 yrs ago. (One reason you'll never catch me on the ski slopes - the bindings failed to release, rupturing ALL the major ligaments in his knee!)
**He's done it the low-carb way - it'll be nice when my own weight loss is noticeable enough that they can ask ME "how I did it" ;-)End of the Trail
Friday, October 17, 2014
...subtitle: Not All Rescues Work Out
Almost 3 yrs ago, I acquired 2 Thoroughbred mares from an overstocked breeding farm (if there were an equine equivalent of a puppy mill, this place would have been it)
The original plan was for my friend Karen & I to share Red Mare's uterus, raising the Anglo-Arab foal that K wanted & the mule-baby that I wanted... Karen dropped out of planning early on, & it became clear that Infrared would be mine alone. So this summer we tried to make a mule baby... Three visits to the jack, she was early in foal but then mangled her RR leg last month. The wound went septic, it was obviously a crippling injury - the last straw came when she lost the embryo. We might have struggled on for the sake of bringing a pregnancy to term, but this came to one of those cold hard economic decisions - I couldn't keep throwing good money after bad. I've got a barnfull of other equines which A.) have more sentimental as well as competitive value and B.) already supporting a couple of other cripples (I'm looking at you, Quig & Sahara!)
So we buried her on the hillside yesterday, in the esteemed company of Molly, Wynk, & Pork Chop. Gonna hafta plot out our family cemetery carefully. Molly's little oak tree didn't survive this summer's drought, but eventually I'd like a small seating area over there overlooking the pasture.
My ankles are feeling the strain of recent jogging, so I'm taking a few d off as Scarlett & I head out to the Piney Woods this weekend to see how much progress she's made...
I'm sore from the nape of my neck to my heels from the "Core workout" that Trainer Bill put me through on Tues - but went to gym last night w/Z for light workout, spotting him on bench press & doing some medicine ball throws! There's a local 5K 10/25 which would be a real novelty - only driving 8 mi into town, not having to buck Metroplex traffic?? It would be great if Z would do this w/me, but getting teenager up before 9 AM on weekend may be too much to ask ;-)Veni Vidi Vici
Sunday, October 19, 2014
It's a great thing that I can still get excited over a silly T-shirt when I've won literally dozens & dozens over my 23-yr endurance career...
Scarlotta & I had an awesome ride on a hot n' humid E Texas day yesterday...I was glad I'd only signed up for a 30! My pal Christina had originally planned to come out & ride the Baraquinator in the 50, but hit snags at work. I contemplated a change of horse for a while, but then decided to proceed w/Miss Scarlett & see if her time last month on the aquatic treadmill yielded any payoffs? The answer is darn tootin' it did! Scarlett met pulse criteria (which was 64 during ride, 60 for completion) w/in 5 min after 1st & 2nd loops, and 10 min at the finish... If you zoom in to read her metabolic scorecard, she got all A's all day, except for a "C" in impulsion at 1st trot-out (she's still figuring out this game ;-) & "C" in gut sounds at the finish (which never affected her appetite BTW)
I'm very proud of that scribble of "Complete" at the end.
OTOH, I felt like the weak link since, in a spectacularly bone-headed move, I failed to replace my water bottles before the start, setting out on 1st 17-mi loop w/a single 2/3's full 20 ouncer! So I drove myself into mild dehydration right from the start, felt like crap heading out on 2nd loop. Thanks goodness I fell in w/a couple of old friends; conversation & camaraderie carried me along as I chugged water to rehydrate & miraculously FELT BETTER after about 45 min! My stomach is still a little iffy this AM; I got home last night & struggled w/nausea when I reheated some scrumptious beef stroganoff. Hubby took me out for our traditional TexMex breakfast this AM which ain't sitting as well w/me as it usually does.
Now in a little over 3 hrs I can settle in to watch my Boyz - HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS??!!??(Non-) Peacable Kingdom
Sunday, October 26, 2014
So much for age conferring wisdom... My big dumb dog really fooled me! Here I've blamed "predators" for slow creeping loss of my little bantam "porch peepers" (they lived in a small coop on front porch - yeah, we're hillbillies all right! I just liked having 'em close) - there ARE coyotes, hawks, raccoons, possums, & owls, but the main predator was right here in my own garage: he messed up yesterday by bringing the carcass of my favorite lil' rooster BACK TO HIS DOG BED for a snack later...
In the past, any poultry killers have been quickly identified, but Blue has been sneaky - up until yesterday, he left no evidence of his crimes. Guess he had been taking my babies into the woods & ahem, "destroying the evidence"... He won't get the benefit of surgery if he gets a perforation or obstruction from the chicken bones, the dirty traitor! But I know in all likelihood he'll be ABSOLUTELY FINE. He was hangdog after my scolding, threats & curses yesterday, but today is back to his normal chipper Big Dumb Dog self.
I was faced w/a similar agonizing Sophie's choice-like decision as a teenager, when my beloved (big dumb) Irish setter mix would intermittently "play a chicken to death"... And I think Rose honestly had NO malice - true to her bird-dog heritage, she never left a mark on 'em. On the couple of occasions I was able to catch her in the act, it was obvious she WAS playing - pinning the poor plump hen down w/her paws, mouthing her as she struggled to break free. I loved my dogs; I loved my poultry - couldn't stand to part w/anyone, so we did our best to safeguard the poultry from the predators, but I still wish I could find a way for at least MY little kingdom to be Peacable!!!I Do NOT Recommend This Weight-Loss Method
Monday, October 27, 2014
P was stricken w/a fever & diarrhea on Sat & spent most of the day flat on his back... I didn't worry about it too much since he was pretty much back to normal by Sun (all jokes about "pseudo-Ebola" aside!)
Then the crud struck ME last night w/a complete purge (vomiting AND diarrhea) and a miserable night of non-rest... I probably spiked fever too, since I had chills when I went to bed, but didn't FEEL LIKE getting up to grab the thermometer! (Hubby's nursing as well as his PATIENT skills leave a lot to be desired... yes, he did fetch extra blankets for me, & even a bucket when I requested one! but we had a vociferous argument when I dosed him w/the last of our Pepto-Bismol: "I don't LIKE it!") The great thing was, Sun evening I could send Z to town on an errand of mercy to fetch me a new bottle of Pepto. Unfortunately it came right back up, so last night I just NPO'd myself...
This morning I was craving the last of my green tea so I've been drinking small allotments of fluids to replenish myself. I'm down a remarkable 7 lbs which I'm sure is mostly dehydration - couldn't resist climbing on the scales this AM but I wouldn't recommend this weight loss method to my worst enemy! (Oh well, yeah I would smile ironically if She Who Shall Not Be Named got it, right before our Natl Championship ride next weekend!)
While it's a privilege to be qualified to participate, A.) I haven't been riding enough recently to be the least little bit competitive (the only sense would be "beating" those who DQ'd themselves by overriding their horses, as Baraq & I plugged steadily along :-)
B.) I know She Who Shall Not Be Named is going to be a very large part of a comparatively small event & SWSNBN will have her nose so far up Head Vet Dr Seymour's butt that quite frankly it'll be sickening to watch. Why would I want to subject myself to that? And I'm sure M will be there to crew for her/cheer her on... (Yeah, you're right - if I were more confident of my competitive ability, I'd go for the sole purpose of BEATING her, always a pleasure!)
C.) The Championship costs more than twice as much as any other "everyday" endurance event ($250 vs average cost around $100) - since M's unemployment, child support once again significantly reduced... Lucy & I are planning our "big ride" to go back to FL Panhandle 11/15, a very nice 2-d event. (i.e. that ugly "B" word - BUDGET!!! rears its shaggy head ;-)
I just put new tires on Z's VW, Michelins to the tune of $760 (ouch) so M can no longer accuse me of endangering our child's safety (yet how much do you think he contributed??? Where's my goose egg??)
So here are Scarlotta & I, finishing up last weekend's E TX ride... hopefully future ride photos will be somewhat more flattering - of ME, that is - Scarlotta looks beautiful!
Recovery
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Well I went to bed at 8:30 last night - couldn't even stay up to cheer on my Cowboys! Now I'm feeling guilty for Romo reinjuring his back... And the OT loss was heartbreaking - let us speak no more of it, shall we???
Today, thankfully I seem to be on the road to recovery. My ol' pal Rhonda came over to get dentals done on her two lil' dogs & we checked out a new burger place for lunch. So far, so good - mild indigestion but what do I expect after a greasy cheeseburger?
In my endless web-surfing, I recently came across another bastion of good sense: a snarky takedown of a long-term UNSUCCESSFUL weight-loss blogger named Lyn. Unfortunately a lot of what the OTHER Lynn writes strikes "too close for comfort":
"After years and years of following Lyn's blog, I couldn't take it any more.
At first Lyn was an inspiration to me. I started off at the same weight she did. I lost weight at the same rate she did. I did it by doing the same things she did (eating less and moving more). I enjoyed reading her blog posts about discovering new foods and even supported her in comments.
By June 1, 2008, she had lost 60 lbs and was rolling right along. Then somewhere between the end of June and the beginning of July, she lost the plan and started regaining. This is when she began blogging about her parents, her ongoing health issues, and using them as an excuse for why she couldn't stop eating. Any suggestions of therapy or counseling were summarily rejected.
By the end of September she was back up to 230 lbs and continued to gain and lose the same 5 lbs over and over again for a year. All the time making excuses, family issues, health issues, mental issues, her dead mommy, ad nauseum.
That went on for nearly 2 years and then in March 2010 she started Medifast, which was given to her for free. Lyn being Lyn, she ignored any comments that suggested that Medifast wasn't a great way to lose weight, that it wasn't healthy, and that even if it worked, it wouldn't help with her emotional eating, her eating disorder, and that eventually she'd gain any lost weight back.
Of course it worked at first. In only 6 months, by the end of October, Lyn lost the 30 lbs she'd regained and dropped another 30 more, bringing her down to a total of 100 lbs lost over all.
From there it was just another long reverse slide back to 230 where she has stayed for years now. It's been 4 years of excuses, "detoxes", crazy fad diets, Whole30 eliminations (never completed), Paleo eating (sort of maybe 90% on plan), half-assing the Medifast (who for some reason continued to provide her with free product). During that time there have been so many injuries used as excuses for not exercising; plantar fasciitis, hip injuries, knee issues, broken ankles. People have suggested that she lift upper body weights or use her bike or go swimming, but there's always a reason why she can't."
notescaping.blogspot.com
/
I surf by frequently to remind myself that, while I may never achieve single-digit sizing again, there's NO legitimate excuse that I can't fit back into Middleweight category (i.e. merely "overweight" vs "obese"). I believe that cutoff for me is around 185 = 20 more lbs... (actually 190 - how's that old joke go? "I'm not overweight, I'm undertall!" - so let's call it 15 lbs. No one says I have to stop there either, but for now I'll take one small step at a time.Medium-Sized Dummy
Sunday, November 02, 2014
In order to explain my title, gotta give ya some backstory...
A.) "Big Dummy" was nickname bestowed upon my big gray QH Quigley by my cousin Rick - he wasn't stupid, just stubborn & obstreperous at every step of his training process. (Back when we were competing, a teenage girl got VERY upset at me when she heard me talking to Quig - "Dummy" this & "Dummy" that - until she demanded "What's his REAL name?" & she didn't understand that to him, it sounded just like a term of endearment! I wasn't shouting or cursing at him, after all, and often "Dummy" was accompanied by affection...)
Thus the nickname "Dummy" became ensconced in our family lexicon as shorthand for that irritating but personable family member in the middle of everything...
B.) Being a useful term, as I begin trying to convert my colt Baraq into a useful productive member of the team (a frustration of a different flavor, since B was timid where Q was reckless), Baraq's nickname became "Little Dummy" (imagine the weedy Arab next to the big beefy 15.2-h QH). Now he's earned his new nickname of Baraquinator, but that was YEARS coming!
C.) There was nothing left for Moonshine (Sahara's colt/Quiz's nephew) except "Medium Sized Dummy". He's been almost as much "fun" as his uncle during the training process. My mistake was letting him remain "outstanding in the field" for too much of his young life - he doesn't understand the concept of "work"! Whaddaya mean he can't just stand around & look pretty??!!??
Instead of pure trail work, I've also taken Moonie to a few Cowboy Dressage Training clinics. Luckily in our limited time together he has not managed to unseat me, so he still thinks Mommy is 10 ft tall & bulletproof! Hope we can keep it thataway...
See why I prefer a larger horse?? Makes me look smaller!Begin Again
Friday, November 07, 2014
Finally, finally, FINALLY - after months & months of begin stuck on my own self-imposed "high plateau", I have clawed my way back down to - almost exactly where I was about 1 year ago.
Maybe this time I will have learned my lesson; maybe I will HALT the self-defeating behavior as I recall how much more DIFFICULT it gets each time I yo-yo up & down... Perhaps I can keep working on that hint of a waistline and get back down well within my Middleweight category for the remainder of my endurance career. (It's hard not to add the "you stupid expletive"; so much for the self-love routine! I seem to respond better to Marine-like discipline ;-)
"I am ever so thankful that at 54, I am still someone's little girl. My parents are 86 and 87 and my mom still likes to bring me a cup of tea and needs to know that I get home safely. My dad, worries that I don't sleep. He loses sleep over my not sleeping, my daddy does. And sometimes he says the cutest things, which is always surprising because he is an old Marine, and cute isn't in his vocabulary. But cute he can be, like when he tries to fit himself in a slender, straight-back dining chair. Evaluating the tight squeeze, he says softly, " There's too much Albert and not enough chair." How I will miss hearing him say things like this."
I wish I understood how some folks can just abandon their blogs, tra la, & waltz off w/out so much as a fare-thee-well - when I keep coming back to my lil' abominable creation: adding a malformed feature here, a wrinkle there until it assumes truly hideous proportions.
"It's ALIVE!!!" indeed...
(I continue to surf by old favorites: Wrinkled Girl, Turtle & Monkey, Happy Weight After, just to name a few - & I wonder how they are now?) Not that it makes one damned bit of difference - it's probably the Universe's signal for me to quit messing around & get back to work!!!
Nevertheless, it is a comfort to me, knowing that I can always Begin Again as I once again swallow my fear, saddle up & attempt to turn Mr Moonshine into a useful & productive member of equine society... P & I went for portrait-sitting yesterday - I'd rescheduled twice but Z no-showed on me. He solemnly swore we'd do it NEXT wk, but unfortunately P begins DC travel schedule again; we had to get this DONE if there's any hope of, for instance, sending out some holiday-photo cards! Our results weren't too hideous, and I hope this other photographer my mom knows really CAN work some holiday magic by photoshopping Z in (he did something similar for Aunt Lucille's grandchildren portrait - adding C who was away at college)Relentless
Monday, November 17, 2014
All the difference in the world in today's mood - returning triumphant from our FL expedition vs slinking back home w/tucked tail in defeat... (but don't worry, you'll get a LITTLE of Val's unmistakable angst - I was proud of myself for NOT spewing venom via text or email yesterday, but there's still a slight residue!)
I'll have to go back & review last year's blog report, but perhaps I mentioned my 1st-d disaster at Blackwater - my back was seizing up on me, my colon spasmed in protest so I wound up pulling at 24 mi (Loop 1). I did rest up, go out on Day 2 much slower & managed to get my completion so it was only a "50% disaster". Unfortunately Lucy had to pull at about 76 mi in her 100 - no such thing as partial credit! So this year I was just praying that neither my back nor my GI tract would act up...
Also this year, instead of trying to knock out back-to-back 50's (I'm sure Baraq would've been fine, I was the weak link w/my last 50-mi attempt ending at 40 mi in the heat & nausea of late April), I took Miss Scarlett to do 25 mi on Day 2... & Lucy was the one going for conservative consecutive 50's. We rode the 1st loop together at a moderate pace, went thru our mandatory rest stop (40 min), but my stomach began cramping not far into Loop 2. I sent Lucy on ahead, fortunately after a while another set of friends came up from behind & Becky gave me a Kleenex pocket-pack - My savior!
I wound up having to "excuse myself " four times, but Baraq was doing great so there was no way I'd quit as long as I could claw my way back into the saddle... I kept reminding myself how much I had riding (literally & figuratively) on this trip: I needed a 50-mi completion to maintain Baraq & my Decade Team status (same horse & rider competing for 10 consecutive years); I had already disappointed my son by going out of town on the weekend of his 1st wrestling meet of the season (he wound up winning 3, losing 2 which I thought was perfectly respectable, but his L shoulder is paining him :-(
After all the trouble of just arranging to get away for a few days, I didn't want to explain Bad Luck to everyone who asked about my Blackwater expedition...
Baraq & I walked in shortly after sunset to claim our Turtle Award - horse camp never looked so inviting! Several folks had blazing campfires going, but I got Baraq checked thru (final certification of health & soundness to get our completion), thanked Lucy kindly for setting up his stall (a luxurious setting where we can use the equestrian center's stalls instead of typical primitive camping tied to trailer or in portable pens), and dragged back to shower off & LIE DOWN... What a party pooper (in all senses of the word ;-)
And our warm inviting FL weather had fled** so both Lucy & I opted out of Sat's ride, went ahead & started back home - sorry Scarlett but your LD mileage just don't count! (enough to offset the misery I'd have felt) Lucy had kept in contact w/one of last year's New FL Friends & had arranged to adopt a standard poodle, so we met her in town to ransom that hostage. (Yes of course Lucy had OK'd w/me in advance - we put his crate in the living quarters)
**actually it never got there! Even though Fri was pretty much perfect riding weather (clear & sunny if a bit breezy), temps never got much above 50 & dropped below freezing each night... And while I greatly appreciated Lucy's help - splitting cost of diesel, a tireless worker in horse camp (putting most of us to shame), she is a fussy & exacting traveling companion. She packed twice as much stuff for her pony as I did for BOTH of mine (but she graciously left me a nice bale of Tifton which hadn't been touched)
So yesterday afternoon in celebration, I went to see "Interstellar" which is FANTASTIC whether or not you're a Matthew McC fan! And it's certainly a treat to have today (a Mon) as a pure "lazy day" - I'll post official weigh-in by arbiter of the work scales mañana, but it appears I'm down another pound... 12 more to make that cutoff of 195 lbs for my Costa Rican trip. So yes, thanks, I DO feel Relentless!!!Money, Meet Mouth
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
(Or keyboard, as the case may be)
Not surprisingly, the other day I got the email reminding me to pony up the rest of my payment for Costa Rica trip at the end of Feb... Somehow I conflated their weight requirements:
"Due to the small size of the Costa Rican Criollo horse and the rugged terrain that we traverse on our trips, to the ensure the health of our horses and the safety of our riders we have a rider weight limit of 200 lbs or 91 k for day rides and a weight limit of 190 lbs or 86 k for the multi day treks."
How did my brain manage to translate this into "195"? Did I just average it out??
It's still cool, instead of being only 12 lbs from goal (a lb of water retention did drop off, once I rested up & diuresed from my FL expedition), I actually have 17 lbs to lose in 13 wks... Still obtainable - & let's face it, are they gonna have a set of scales so they can weigh us like luggage as we disembark?!? Well, maybe so - but I think it's more likely you'll be challenged if you appear to be "over the limit" and/or an inexperienced rider.
And I know for sure & for certain that I could ride any of these folks "under the table", so to speak! Maybe Val's bravado speaking, but I DO know I was THRILLED to be able to squeeze into my "skinny" Sassoon jeans for our new neighbors' housewarming party last Sun... Might even wear 'em for Thanksgiving, even though they're too restrictive to play ball in. (I think Z & I will wear our Cowboys jersey)
Feels strange to post all these "cheerleading" images - SO not ME!Every Once in a While, I Catch a Break...
Monday, December 01, 2014
...After my minor overindulgences on Turkey Day**, I wisely stayed AWAY from the scales, boosted my fluid intake, got in a couple of sessions of moderate exercise at the gym - and amazement of amazements, weighed in EXACTLY THE SAME as I did last week! Can't really call that an Non-SCALE-Victory, can I??!!??
**I enjoyed a modest plate of "a little bit of everything" at my aunt's, followed by a minor selection of desserts (it was interesting to note that my skinny cousin sat down next to me w/plate piled twice as high & cleaned it, although she migrated into the living room so I didn't get to observe her dessert choices). I could barely finish the Italian cream cake, it was so rich & cloyingly sweet (in yrs past I would have consumed 3X as much)
It was a rather quiet Thanksgiving - my "surrogate brother"** & his extended brood (2 adult daughters, 1 SIL, 4 grandchildren) chose to stay at home after eldest granddaughter broke w/strep throat Wed... A wise decision avoiding risk of exposure of not only the rest of the family, but especially our geriatrics - my 87-yr old aunt, 85-yr old father and 83-yr old mother. Strange how I don't include my older cousins (although most are well into their 60's) in that category - hard to believe it's been almost 3 1/2 yrs since we lost Cousin Rick to a heart attack... At age 65, he'd been in declining health w/diabetes, but it was still a shock. We wandered out into the pasture after dinner to enjoy the brilliant sunshine while watching Rick's grandchildren race around the pasture (circling the huge oak tree which shades his gravesite) on 4-wheelers.
**My dad's nephew Billy has always been his favorite, thus the closest thing to a brother I'll ever have. I think I mentioned his knee replacement surgery about a month ago; it went well but he's struggling through rehab.
At some point I'll sit down to write up my compilation of family history... There are branches w/great longevity on my dad's side, interspersed w/obesity & assorted types of cancer. You can't help dwelling on these things as one gets older. This caught my attention on another blog:
"I just read a comment on another blog in which the commenter said one of the things that motivated her to lose weight was that she realized she could live the second 40 years of her life differently than she had lived the first 40 years.
I paused and did some math.
:o
In less than two months, I will be 63 years old. Considering my health conditions--and assuming that no other health crisis will occur and no fatal accident will happen--I probably only have about 10 years left to live. In 10 years, I will be 73 years old.
Ten years.
Even if I beat the odds and live 20 years, that extra 10 will be from 73 to 83 years old. Not a lot of hiking or physical activity going on during those years, ya know? So, for all intents and purposes, if my health gets no worse than it is now, I have 10 years.
Ten.
I find that startling. Even if the scale goes down and my mobility improves and energy levels increase, I'm in my mid sixties. How could I not have realized that even with weight loss, this may be about as good as it gets?
I've always been physically strong. One of those fat people who "caries her weight well." Just three years ago, I hiked 4 miles straight up one of the Smoky mountains. Twenty year olds were sitting, panting along the trail. It didn't occur to me that my age would begin to take its toll.
Somehow, I thought that losing the weight would make it all okay...would return my vigor--but losing weight doesn't make time stand still, does it?
It's not that I've wasted my life, besides the typical wife/mom/grandmother role, which included having one grandchild stay at our home 12 hours a day, six days a week from a month after she was born until she was four years old, I've been a medical social worker and a private practice counselor. I've stood alongside people as they healed from emotional wounds that would wound you just to hear them...and I've stood by bedsides and as people died. I've ministered to women in my church and watched God move in their lives thru the words He gave me for them. I've written and spoken and consulted and tutored and edited and organized...
And somehow, I was so busy being significant--I missed the fact that I was more than a cognitive, emotional, and spiritual being; I was also a physical one--and that physical self was getting older...and the time I had to take care of my physical self was slipping away. I forgot that I was finite.
I wasn't selfless. I cared for myself by carving out time to relax and enjoying sweets and other carbs, rather than really tending to my needs with nutritious food and exercise. I chose medicating over restoring.
I let the constant background music of "working on losing weight" fool me into thinking I was doing something for my health, but I never actually did what I needed to do...I just sang along. And time passed, leaving its mark, not caring about the song..
And the chorus repeats in my head: If I live my expected number of days, I only have a bout 10 years left. In just 10 years, I'll be 73 years old.
As foolish as it sounds, I feel bewildered and startled by that fact. I don't know how I let time slip away, how I didn't realize I'd arrive...here."Thoughts for the Day
Wednesday, December 03, 2014
"Before Enlightenment: chop wood, carry water;
After Enlightenment: chop wood, carry water.
Break life down into the simplicity of the present moment. We do not live in the present moment. We carry our past forward with us, we yearn for something in the future and all the time we miss what is in front of us at all times. Life is beautiful right in front of us at every moment. When we maintain a mindful presence with our simple tasks we begin to view them as a valuable contribution to ourselves as well as those around. Focusing on this moment right now removes the mind from drifting to wants, needs, desires...all driven by the mind in search of attachment. With attachment comes suffering. When we allow ourselves to appreciate our accomplishments we feel good about ourselves and more at peace.
You are living enlightenment right now, but you need to open up to it. Enlightenment does not change you, it only expands your awareness to understand the truth of reality. You remain very much the same. The only difference is that peace is the vibration you give out to the world."- *********************************
- I have rushed frantically through these past couple of years' blog entries, but if I have to end with that, it's not such a bad way to wrap up my SparkTime...
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