...borrowed shamelessly from the book of the same title - my days OUGHT to have 36 hrs; then I might feel as if I were making more forward progress on All The Things I Need to Do! The only reason I have a few free moments is because a surgery no-showed this AM...
Unhappy Equilibruim
Monday, August 19, 2013
I keep on going back & re-reading my dear SparkFriend Chelsea's encouraging words to me from the other day:
"Your X sounds like a miserable human being and one comfort you can have is that your son will be an adult someday and then, your X won't have the power, anymore, to control or frighten you or him."
Thanks again, Chelsea! And of course to all my SparkFriends who offer me love & support via the ephemeral medium of cyberspace... It means more than you can ever know.
The process server texted me this AM: he was on his way to M's office, did he know he was coming? I was somewhat taken aback - no, he did not! but I replied that I would once again "take the high road" & fired off a quick email to M.
No response (although I really wasn't expecting any). After a bit of a runaround ("early lunch", RIGHT!) he was served & I still have heard nothing. What I worry about the most is M taking it out on poor Z tonight - I feel like HE'S the one I need to warn! He may hate ol' Mom for disturbing his fragile equilibrium once again - but perhaps when he is a grown-up w/children of his own to protect, he might see it in his heart to understand.
(The process server had originally planned to give M the court papers last Fri, but I asked him to hold off to spare Z as best I could! It was like trying to hold an umbrella over him from afar, but at least I could sleep peacefully last weekend)
"Your X sounds like a miserable human being and one comfort you can have is that your son will be an adult someday and then, your X won't have the power, anymore, to control or frighten you or him."
Thanks again, Chelsea! And of course to all my SparkFriends who offer me love & support via the ephemeral medium of cyberspace... It means more than you can ever know.
The process server texted me this AM: he was on his way to M's office, did he know he was coming? I was somewhat taken aback - no, he did not! but I replied that I would once again "take the high road" & fired off a quick email to M.
No response (although I really wasn't expecting any). After a bit of a runaround ("early lunch", RIGHT!) he was served & I still have heard nothing. What I worry about the most is M taking it out on poor Z tonight - I feel like HE'S the one I need to warn! He may hate ol' Mom for disturbing his fragile equilibrium once again - but perhaps when he is a grown-up w/children of his own to protect, he might see it in his heart to understand.
(The process server had originally planned to give M the court papers last Fri, but I asked him to hold off to spare Z as best I could! It was like trying to hold an umbrella over him from afar, but at least I could sleep peacefully last weekend)
Quick Update
Sunday, September 08, 2013
Sorry, SparkFriends, I know it's been a while but I want to get in a short RIDE this AM so I'll stick to bullet points:
Court hearing was a WIN - Judge G will have a (private) audience w/Z next Fri (lucky 13) so I need everyone to maintain their positive thoughts & well-wishes a bit longer
We had a great time going out to the Grand Canyon - each of us got in 3 d riding & yes, I know I need to do my best to get some photos posted! (Bought myself a new camera last night although I know it's a little late!)
Basically I've maintained for month of August - more in-depth analysis later but there's a lot to be said for not roller-coastering up the scales (started to type "up & down" but of course we all love going DOWN - in my case it's the reflexive upswings after sudden losses that are so disheartening)... I will post final results for my Fat Dog Challenge on 9/18 even though there was a major meltdown: Allan took his blog private, I didn't get an invitation to his inner circle.
& speaking of blog drama, my ex brought a big stack of Xeroxed paper to the hearing: printouts from my Incurable blog which he tried to admit into evidence!** Felt like old times (he Xeroxed my old handwritten journal during original divorce/custody battle but was likewise denied the satisfaction of spreading my private thoughts in open court). Last night I also received a FB msg from his sister - surprise, surprise that they've had a falling out. Maybe the depths of M's pathology are finally becoming evident to her.
**got my hand slapped in a minor fashion by Judge G as he pontificated on the inadvisability of publicizing one's life through social media; I explained that Incurable blog had been taken down (it's still there, just hopefully hidden under different URL address that my ex can't easily find!) and I am ever so happy that THESE SP blog entries are PRIVATE!!!
Actually I have every intention of letting Z read my blogs WHEN HE'S OLD ENOUGH - there's nothing on Incurable but my own truths... That was my intention all along.
I should have spoken up & told the judge that - as well as how inappropriate it was for M to show em to our son at age 14. But Judge G was already segueing into his speech that we were not to speak disparagingly of one another to Z, nor coach him on his upcoming visit. I really was favorably impressed by Judge G, he seems to be a fair & reasonable man.
We'll see if I still feel that way after his ruling ;-) !!! Nah, after all of my friends who tried to prep me for a soft landing, I'm fully prepared to "lose" - at least I will feel as though I've done my best. Z & I will get through this... I just hope & pray he'll still be inclined to travel a bit w/his ol' Mom after he turns 18.
Court hearing was a WIN - Judge G will have a (private) audience w/Z next Fri (lucky 13) so I need everyone to maintain their positive thoughts & well-wishes a bit longer
We had a great time going out to the Grand Canyon - each of us got in 3 d riding & yes, I know I need to do my best to get some photos posted! (Bought myself a new camera last night although I know it's a little late!)
Basically I've maintained for month of August - more in-depth analysis later but there's a lot to be said for not roller-coastering up the scales (started to type "up & down" but of course we all love going DOWN - in my case it's the reflexive upswings after sudden losses that are so disheartening)... I will post final results for my Fat Dog Challenge on 9/18 even though there was a major meltdown: Allan took his blog private, I didn't get an invitation to his inner circle.
& speaking of blog drama, my ex brought a big stack of Xeroxed paper to the hearing: printouts from my Incurable blog which he tried to admit into evidence!** Felt like old times (he Xeroxed my old handwritten journal during original divorce/custody battle but was likewise denied the satisfaction of spreading my private thoughts in open court). Last night I also received a FB msg from his sister - surprise, surprise that they've had a falling out. Maybe the depths of M's pathology are finally becoming evident to her.
**got my hand slapped in a minor fashion by Judge G as he pontificated on the inadvisability of publicizing one's life through social media; I explained that Incurable blog had been taken down (it's still there, just hopefully hidden under different URL address that my ex can't easily find!) and I am ever so happy that THESE SP blog entries are PRIVATE!!!
Actually I have every intention of letting Z read my blogs WHEN HE'S OLD ENOUGH - there's nothing on Incurable but my own truths... That was my intention all along.
I should have spoken up & told the judge that - as well as how inappropriate it was for M to show em to our son at age 14. But Judge G was already segueing into his speech that we were not to speak disparagingly of one another to Z, nor coach him on his upcoming visit. I really was favorably impressed by Judge G, he seems to be a fair & reasonable man.
We'll see if I still feel that way after his ruling ;-) !!! Nah, after all of my friends who tried to prep me for a soft landing, I'm fully prepared to "lose" - at least I will feel as though I've done my best. Z & I will get through this... I just hope & pray he'll still be inclined to travel a bit w/his ol' Mom after he turns 18.
Yoga Grrrrrl
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I was severely demoralized after seeing ANOTHER damn set of unflattering ride photos of my lifelong dream, riding Grand Canyon country!
"oh look at the beautiful scenery, that spirited horse - but shade your eyes against that pale flabby toad occupying center stage!"
Sheesh... I know I should be KIND to myself (believe it or not, Pixie, I'm a big Geneen Roth fan!) - but all I could think was how hard I've worked for these meager results...
True, I've lost roughly 8% when current research grants accolades for taking off/KEEPING off 10%...I know it does no good to hobble myself considering how little progress I've made, how much farther I'd LIKE to go. As Yoda sez, Do or do Not, there is no "Try"!
But after a week of inactivity, I've made a commitment to daily yoga practice: Mon & Tues nights, I dusted off my DDP yoga DVD's & hit "Play". I need to make a stack of all my yoga discs & rotate through 'em. I hit Half Price Books last week & scored two books - Baron Baptiste & Bikram Choudbury (don't admire BC's nepotism & sexual harassment scandal, but see a lot of good in his system - NO, Bikram, you cannot COPYRIGHT yoga postures!).
Nothing in my schedule has lined up w/attending hot yoga classes, but I have high hopes for this weekend. I felt a little dumb sweating through last night's DVD as husband & son sat on couch & recliner "watching" (actually Hubs was reading, Z was playing computer game) - Z chastised me for emitting an unladylike bodily noise at one point but I told him to get down on the floor w/me or hush up!
Nevertheless I am committed to this path - BB's book is titled 40 Day Yoga transformation, so we'll see what happens!
"oh look at the beautiful scenery, that spirited horse - but shade your eyes against that pale flabby toad occupying center stage!"
Sheesh... I know I should be KIND to myself (believe it or not, Pixie, I'm a big Geneen Roth fan!) - but all I could think was how hard I've worked for these meager results...
True, I've lost roughly 8% when current research grants accolades for taking off/KEEPING off 10%...I know it does no good to hobble myself considering how little progress I've made, how much farther I'd LIKE to go. As Yoda sez, Do or do Not, there is no "Try"!
But after a week of inactivity, I've made a commitment to daily yoga practice: Mon & Tues nights, I dusted off my DDP yoga DVD's & hit "Play". I need to make a stack of all my yoga discs & rotate through 'em. I hit Half Price Books last week & scored two books - Baron Baptiste & Bikram Choudbury (don't admire BC's nepotism & sexual harassment scandal, but see a lot of good in his system - NO, Bikram, you cannot COPYRIGHT yoga postures!).
Nothing in my schedule has lined up w/attending hot yoga classes, but I have high hopes for this weekend. I felt a little dumb sweating through last night's DVD as husband & son sat on couch & recliner "watching" (actually Hubs was reading, Z was playing computer game) - Z chastised me for emitting an unladylike bodily noise at one point but I told him to get down on the floor w/me or hush up!
Nevertheless I am committed to this path - BB's book is titled 40 Day Yoga transformation, so we'll see what happens!
Seventeen minutes Ten seconds
Sunday, September 15, 2013
...is how long Z spent back in Judge G's chambers last Fri afternoon .
We were the only supplicants there; I know nothing yet as to how this will all turn out.
While it's nice to imagine Judge G reviewing our long convoluted history & writing a neat legal judgment that sums it all up nicely, at least I recognize that is pure fantasy on my part... There will be no judgment rendered for those acts of domestic terrorism committed against myself or Z. Death threats most especially included - I suppose the statute of limitations has run out (14 + yrs).
I didn't want to press Z, so I don't know what was said or went unsaid. I wouldn't blame Z in the least if he told Judge G everything's fine, this is just a maternal vendetta - as he pleaded w/me last winter to drop the child support litigation: "We're fine Mom! I LIKE my life!"
As I've said before, no wonder that M intimidates Z - hell, he intimidated ME as a grown-a$$ woman; I couldn't imagine a toddler, a small child, a boy & now a young man left to M's "tender mercies"... But it's no use beating up on myself for what I failed to do - my old attorney was only following conventional wisdom, that the father's enthusiasm for "co-parenting" would fade w/time.
I've been revisiting The Liz Library (great resource for beleagured single moms); she asserts this great cultural experiment of joint custody is a failure, a damaging protocol for children who should live in ONE HOME... Splitting time renders these children as nomads, continually trekking between parental homes.
"Joint custody is not two homes, it's NO home" is a quotable quote.
I'll post a link to her website ASAP (blogging on this iPhone is problematic but the legendary proportions of current miscommunication w/current husband will have to be a subject for another post)
We were the only supplicants there; I know nothing yet as to how this will all turn out.
While it's nice to imagine Judge G reviewing our long convoluted history & writing a neat legal judgment that sums it all up nicely, at least I recognize that is pure fantasy on my part... There will be no judgment rendered for those acts of domestic terrorism committed against myself or Z. Death threats most especially included - I suppose the statute of limitations has run out (14 + yrs).
I didn't want to press Z, so I don't know what was said or went unsaid. I wouldn't blame Z in the least if he told Judge G everything's fine, this is just a maternal vendetta - as he pleaded w/me last winter to drop the child support litigation: "We're fine Mom! I LIKE my life!"
As I've said before, no wonder that M intimidates Z - hell, he intimidated ME as a grown-a$$ woman; I couldn't imagine a toddler, a small child, a boy & now a young man left to M's "tender mercies"... But it's no use beating up on myself for what I failed to do - my old attorney was only following conventional wisdom, that the father's enthusiasm for "co-parenting" would fade w/time.
I've been revisiting The Liz Library (great resource for beleagured single moms); she asserts this great cultural experiment of joint custody is a failure, a damaging protocol for children who should live in ONE HOME... Splitting time renders these children as nomads, continually trekking between parental homes.
"Joint custody is not two homes, it's NO home" is a quotable quote.
I'll post a link to her website ASAP (blogging on this iPhone is problematic but the legendary proportions of current miscommunication w/current husband will have to be a subject for another post)
Head Meeting Desk
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
(Oh, you know, purely figuratively ya know!)
I couldn't stand it, I emailed my attorney yesterday who informed me that generally it takes Judge G about a week to issue his rulings... That won't be a moment too soon, since Z has to go to his dad's this weekend, we're already 6 wks into the school year (??!!??), and I really would like to get this Mon-night issue SETTLED one way or the other.
I post some excellent quotes from Liz's joint custody essay (by all means, please take the time to read the whole thing if you have time) - her website is an excellent resource.
www.thelizlibrary.org/si
te-index/site-index-frame.
html#soulwww.theliz
library.org/liz/index.html
"Those "good divorces" we sometimes hear about -- the ones in which divorced parents actually get along and work together (i.e. "coparenting" as it's trendy to say these days), tend to have certain things in common...
They are not egoistically focusing on themselves, and whether they are the centerpoint around which their child revolves...they understand that the child actually has a home with one or the other of them, and it is they, regardless of where they live, who are the satellites supporting that child's life and home.
Neither of them are focusing on what is "fair" to themselves, or their "parental rights," and they have stopped playing tug-of-war with the child. They are still on the same team, pulling together in the child's interests. It just so happens that one of the parents is resident in the child's home, while the other is still provisioning and supporting that home, but otherwise living adult life elsewhere.
Throughout time and place in history, long before divorce even was readily available, many married parents spent substantial amounts of time separated. Most of the time, the absent parent was the father, off to war, at sea, or on business. During these times, the children lived with one or the other of the parents. Not both.
If parents actually could achieve what they really and truly need to make joint custody work -- putting the children first above their love lives and another spouse, first above any personal opportunity that might come along, first with such commitment that they can make the sacrifices necessary to maintain a kind of fictional existence in which they still "co-parent", they might as well just remain married. What would be the reason to divorce?
Even those who have amicably divorced have done so because one of them has essentially flown the coop to pursue another career, another relationship, or another place. Most divorces are not amicable, however, but come about in connection with serious issues of breach of trust or abuse, and other problems substantial enough to break up a marriage.
... joint custody is a schizophrenic arrangement. It lacks stability and consistency; it's a situation unlikely to endure over the child's remaining childhood (requiring a second traumatic family upheaval, or "family transition"); and it fosters increased manipulation by (and insecurities in) the children.
Professor Mary Ann Mason writes in Equality Trap, Simon and Shuster, l988:
"There are many things wrong with this unthinking rush to joint custody, but the primary objection is that it changes the focus of custody away from the 'best interests of the child' to the best interests of the parents -- or, more precisely, to the best interests of the father."
Joint custody *increases*, not decreases, covert resentment and conflict, because it permits the parent who is not spending the day-to-day time raising the children and operating the household to exercise veto power over decisions made by the other , and if so inclined, to meddle and interfere, creating stalemate between the two parents, followed by power plays attempting to break it. Some of these "power plays" are the good parent/bad parent game, visitation conflicts, and withholding of support.
...regardless of commonality of values and interests and parenting style, persons who are not sharing the same household and a life are just not going to be consistent in the details. The cumulative effect of all the little things ultimately adds up and piles on top of the bigger things, such as that in joint custody, rather than having two homes, what the child actually has is no home.
It is ironic that the fathers' rightsters who complain about not wanting to be a "visitor" in their child's life, and therefore demand 50-50 joint custody, do not seem to recognize that their solution not only renders their child a continuous visitor shifting between two households, but also that the child then does not even have a home to which to return.
Judith Wallerstein, in Unexpected Legacy (A Twenty-Five Year Landmark Study, Hyperion 2000, p 181-2), notes:
"The children in this study whose lives were governed by court orders or mediated parental arrangements all told me that they felt like second-class citizens who had lost the freedoms their peers took for granted. They say that as they grew older and craved independence, they had even less say, less control over their schedules and less power to determine when and where they could spend their time -- especially precious vacation time."
"... the unwillingness to accept the fact of mothers' role in childrearing within the context of custody policy conforms to the popular gender neutral focus at the expense of reality... even if the ultimate goal is gender neutrality, the imposition of rules embodying such a view within the context of family law issues is disingenuous since the effect is to the detriment of those who have constructed their lives around 'genderized' roles."
Fineman, Martha and Anne Opie, "The Uses of Social Science Data in Legal Policymaking: Custody Determinations at Divorce," Wisconsin Law Review, Vol. 1987, Number 1.
I suggest the primary caretaker rule, which rewards past care and concern for children and minimizes the role and power of the helping professionals in custody decision making...The primary caretaker rule IS gender neutral on its face, and men can change their behavior if they want to have an opportunity to get custody. The rule values nurturing and caretaking and rewards it. This is appropriate."
Fineman, Martha, "The Politics of Custody and the Transformation of American Custody Decision Making" for the UC Davis Law Review (Spring 1989, Vol. 22, No. 3)
"...allegations of mistreatment, abuse, or neglect on the part of husbands toward either their wives or children are trivialized, masked, or lost amid the psychological rhetoric that reduces mothers' desires to have custody and control of their children to pathology.
We should be deeply skeptical of these views of women and mothers. They are not accurate and the visions they present are deeply misogynistic..."
Fineman, Martha, "Dominant Discourse, Professional Language, and Legal Change in Child Custody Decisionmaking," Harvard Law Review, Vol. 101, No, 4, February 1988.
As Wallerstein points out, the courts have often believed that awarding joint custody would force parents to put aside their anger and cooperate for the sake of the children. However, often, the opposite occurs. The children become either the weapons or the trophies in their parents' power struggle, or the unintended victims of their rage.
Wallerstein's study found that after ten and even fifteen years after divorce, close to half of the men and women had not given up the hopes and disappointments attached to their previous marriage. Half of the women and one third of the men felt intensely angry with their former spouse ten years after the divorce."
(especially when Ex continues to wield custodial time as a blunt weapon)
I couldn't stand it, I emailed my attorney yesterday who informed me that generally it takes Judge G about a week to issue his rulings... That won't be a moment too soon, since Z has to go to his dad's this weekend, we're already 6 wks into the school year (??!!??), and I really would like to get this Mon-night issue SETTLED one way or the other.
I post some excellent quotes from Liz's joint custody essay (by all means, please take the time to read the whole thing if you have time) - her website is an excellent resource.
www.thelizlibrary.org/si
te-index/site-index-frame.
html#soulwww.theliz
library.org/liz/index.html
"Those "good divorces" we sometimes hear about -- the ones in which divorced parents actually get along and work together (i.e. "coparenting" as it's trendy to say these days), tend to have certain things in common...
They are not egoistically focusing on themselves, and whether they are the centerpoint around which their child revolves...they understand that the child actually has a home with one or the other of them, and it is they, regardless of where they live, who are the satellites supporting that child's life and home.
Neither of them are focusing on what is "fair" to themselves, or their "parental rights," and they have stopped playing tug-of-war with the child. They are still on the same team, pulling together in the child's interests. It just so happens that one of the parents is resident in the child's home, while the other is still provisioning and supporting that home, but otherwise living adult life elsewhere.
Throughout time and place in history, long before divorce even was readily available, many married parents spent substantial amounts of time separated. Most of the time, the absent parent was the father, off to war, at sea, or on business. During these times, the children lived with one or the other of the parents. Not both.
If parents actually could achieve what they really and truly need to make joint custody work -- putting the children first above their love lives and another spouse, first above any personal opportunity that might come along, first with such commitment that they can make the sacrifices necessary to maintain a kind of fictional existence in which they still "co-parent", they might as well just remain married. What would be the reason to divorce?
Even those who have amicably divorced have done so because one of them has essentially flown the coop to pursue another career, another relationship, or another place. Most divorces are not amicable, however, but come about in connection with serious issues of breach of trust or abuse, and other problems substantial enough to break up a marriage.
... joint custody is a schizophrenic arrangement. It lacks stability and consistency; it's a situation unlikely to endure over the child's remaining childhood (requiring a second traumatic family upheaval, or "family transition"); and it fosters increased manipulation by (and insecurities in) the children.
Professor Mary Ann Mason writes in Equality Trap, Simon and Shuster, l988:
"There are many things wrong with this unthinking rush to joint custody, but the primary objection is that it changes the focus of custody away from the 'best interests of the child' to the best interests of the parents -- or, more precisely, to the best interests of the father."
Joint custody *increases*, not decreases, covert resentment and conflict, because it permits the parent who is not spending the day-to-day time raising the children and operating the household to exercise veto power over decisions made by the other , and if so inclined, to meddle and interfere, creating stalemate between the two parents, followed by power plays attempting to break it. Some of these "power plays" are the good parent/bad parent game, visitation conflicts, and withholding of support.
...regardless of commonality of values and interests and parenting style, persons who are not sharing the same household and a life are just not going to be consistent in the details. The cumulative effect of all the little things ultimately adds up and piles on top of the bigger things, such as that in joint custody, rather than having two homes, what the child actually has is no home.
It is ironic that the fathers' rightsters who complain about not wanting to be a "visitor" in their child's life, and therefore demand 50-50 joint custody, do not seem to recognize that their solution not only renders their child a continuous visitor shifting between two households, but also that the child then does not even have a home to which to return.
Judith Wallerstein, in Unexpected Legacy (A Twenty-Five Year Landmark Study, Hyperion 2000, p 181-2), notes:
"The children in this study whose lives were governed by court orders or mediated parental arrangements all told me that they felt like second-class citizens who had lost the freedoms their peers took for granted. They say that as they grew older and craved independence, they had even less say, less control over their schedules and less power to determine when and where they could spend their time -- especially precious vacation time."
"... the unwillingness to accept the fact of mothers' role in childrearing within the context of custody policy conforms to the popular gender neutral focus at the expense of reality... even if the ultimate goal is gender neutrality, the imposition of rules embodying such a view within the context of family law issues is disingenuous since the effect is to the detriment of those who have constructed their lives around 'genderized' roles."
Fineman, Martha and Anne Opie, "The Uses of Social Science Data in Legal Policymaking: Custody Determinations at Divorce," Wisconsin Law Review, Vol. 1987, Number 1.
I suggest the primary caretaker rule, which rewards past care and concern for children and minimizes the role and power of the helping professionals in custody decision making...The primary caretaker rule IS gender neutral on its face, and men can change their behavior if they want to have an opportunity to get custody. The rule values nurturing and caretaking and rewards it. This is appropriate."
Fineman, Martha, "The Politics of Custody and the Transformation of American Custody Decision Making" for the UC Davis Law Review (Spring 1989, Vol. 22, No. 3)
"...allegations of mistreatment, abuse, or neglect on the part of husbands toward either their wives or children are trivialized, masked, or lost amid the psychological rhetoric that reduces mothers' desires to have custody and control of their children to pathology.
We should be deeply skeptical of these views of women and mothers. They are not accurate and the visions they present are deeply misogynistic..."
Fineman, Martha, "Dominant Discourse, Professional Language, and Legal Change in Child Custody Decisionmaking," Harvard Law Review, Vol. 101, No, 4, February 1988.
As Wallerstein points out, the courts have often believed that awarding joint custody would force parents to put aside their anger and cooperate for the sake of the children. However, often, the opposite occurs. The children become either the weapons or the trophies in their parents' power struggle, or the unintended victims of their rage.
Wallerstein's study found that after ten and even fifteen years after divorce, close to half of the men and women had not given up the hopes and disappointments attached to their previous marriage. Half of the women and one third of the men felt intensely angry with their former spouse ten years after the divorce."
(especially when Ex continues to wield custodial time as a blunt weapon)
Reset
Monday, September 23, 2013
This past weekend I've been profoundly LAZY; spent most of my time trying to repay my sleep deficit or otherwise lounging around!
(You would think that meant that I returned to work this AM w/renewed vim & vigor; however, that would mean you are MISTAKEN...)
All I seem to be able to do is check my appointments off one by one, counting down until Wednesday - I'll be heading down to San Antonio for the state veterinary conference on Thursday.
Perhaps I will be lucky enough to find a seminars on dealing w/difficult clients, juggling the needs of work & family (sandwiched between teenager, aging parents, husband who knows not to push his luck!), squeezing fitness/self-care** into a tight schedule... (I did sign up for Sat-PM yoga - no thanks on those daybreak sessions!)
**I pruned back my hideous fungoid big toenail - a major overhaul! My mare stepped on my foot about 16 yrs ago, pivoted & twisted the big toenail off my L foot... I Band-aided it, completed my ride, & nearly made my riding buddy throw up when I peeled off bloody sock & ripped off the toenail. It grew back as a gnarled, nasty fungoid mess. Hopefully by keeping it soaked in antifungal meds I can help it grow back in a more normal configuration. (I never go for pedicures because I'm ashamed of my Jeckyll & Hyde feet)
What a pitiful excuse for a blog post - many interruptions later, better just put it out there if I want to get back on track w/a gym visit today! (I haven't decided whether I'm going to shell out that $100 for my Dallas White Rock half-marathon. Despite that extra child support - or perhaps bcz of the false sense of security that provides?!? - I continue to push my finances to the limit each month... I really should sock that $100 in savings, but there's no reason I can't TRAIN for the half!)
(You would think that meant that I returned to work this AM w/renewed vim & vigor; however, that would mean you are MISTAKEN...)
All I seem to be able to do is check my appointments off one by one, counting down until Wednesday - I'll be heading down to San Antonio for the state veterinary conference on Thursday.
Perhaps I will be lucky enough to find a seminars on dealing w/difficult clients, juggling the needs of work & family (sandwiched between teenager, aging parents, husband who knows not to push his luck!), squeezing fitness/self-care** into a tight schedule... (I did sign up for Sat-PM yoga - no thanks on those daybreak sessions!)
**I pruned back my hideous fungoid big toenail - a major overhaul! My mare stepped on my foot about 16 yrs ago, pivoted & twisted the big toenail off my L foot... I Band-aided it, completed my ride, & nearly made my riding buddy throw up when I peeled off bloody sock & ripped off the toenail. It grew back as a gnarled, nasty fungoid mess. Hopefully by keeping it soaked in antifungal meds I can help it grow back in a more normal configuration. (I never go for pedicures because I'm ashamed of my Jeckyll & Hyde feet)
What a pitiful excuse for a blog post - many interruptions later, better just put it out there if I want to get back on track w/a gym visit today! (I haven't decided whether I'm going to shell out that $100 for my Dallas White Rock half-marathon. Despite that extra child support - or perhaps bcz of the false sense of security that provides?!? - I continue to push my finances to the limit each month... I really should sock that $100 in savings, but there's no reason I can't TRAIN for the half!)
Not Waving But Drowning
Thursday, September 26, 2013
...Currently I'm scratching my head & thanking God I'm not a lawyer...Judge G issued an indecipherable ruling - my lawyer is "translating" w/aid of his sr partner. Instead of simply answering my proposal of eliminating Mon night visitation for a 15 yr old "thumbs up"or "down", the judge forged off in an entirely new direction - no, the Mon night nonsense stands, but now I'll be allowed to select "my" weekends (no change in the munificent "TWO" that I've had all along) & present this to M by 8 PM on the last Sun of each month...
Anyway, seems to me this will add unnecessary stress & aggravation bcz I'm sure M will give Z a hard time if I select a weekend for which he already had plans...
The only upside is, w/TWO weekends per month, I'll gain a weekend in Nov & Mar that I would have only had ONE, due to vagaries of school schedule...
But the headache contemplating this new legal tangle is better than looking over the abyss that separates me from my husband. Our communication gap is epic; this weekend (tonight actually) I'll be heading down to San Antonio for state veterinary conference. Oct 1st will be our 11th wedding anniversary. When I teasingly suggested combining business & pleasure by having P meet me on the Riverwalk, he told me bluntly he had "no interest". Alrighty then.
Last night I snuggled up to him (it's been a LONG time if you know what I mean), and while he didn't turn his back, there was no response, so after a few minutes' chat, I returned to my side of the bed. I don't have the time or the energy for a big heart-to-heart; doing all I can just to keep my head above water.
Anyway, seems to me this will add unnecessary stress & aggravation bcz I'm sure M will give Z a hard time if I select a weekend for which he already had plans...
The only upside is, w/TWO weekends per month, I'll gain a weekend in Nov & Mar that I would have only had ONE, due to vagaries of school schedule...
But the headache contemplating this new legal tangle is better than looking over the abyss that separates me from my husband. Our communication gap is epic; this weekend (tonight actually) I'll be heading down to San Antonio for state veterinary conference. Oct 1st will be our 11th wedding anniversary. When I teasingly suggested combining business & pleasure by having P meet me on the Riverwalk, he told me bluntly he had "no interest". Alrighty then.
Last night I snuggled up to him (it's been a LONG time if you know what I mean), and while he didn't turn his back, there was no response, so after a few minutes' chat, I returned to my side of the bed. I don't have the time or the energy for a big heart-to-heart; doing all I can just to keep my head above water.
Continuing Education
Tuesday, October 01, 2013
(only time for a few bullet points)
It was a great veterinary conference last weekend - saw some old friends, brushed up on the latest developments, fired up my enthusiasm for this best of all possible careers! Downside: poor dietary choices, poor sleep (funny thing is, I slept the best on my 1st night in SA, when I arrived shortly before 1 AM & knocked off about 5.5 hrs' sleep before getting up bright n' early to make the 1st morning session! On subsequent nights, I tossed & turned restlessly) - caused me to return feeling like the Pillsbury Dough-boy, awkward & bloated...
My very nice hotel room had a full-length mirror on the closet door - a chance to stop & take stock! Other than the bloated, flabby abdomen, the rest of the picture wasn't too bad: I still have nice legs, upper body shaping up slowly. I made it by the hotel gym only once - watched a young man pounding the TM & then doing some free-weight exercises out of the corner of my eye as I knocked out a mile... Just enough to break a sweat, then I had to get back to the conference.
Came home, screwed my courage to the sticking-place, made a small overture towards Hubby w/some success... (Today is our 11th anniv so we had dinner out last night - tonight Z has late dismissal from FB practice so that would make things too awkward) Guess I'll never for the life of me understand MEN.
Decided NOT to fork over that $100 entry fee for the Dallas White Rock half-marathon, but nothing stops me from TRAINING for it... Last week I was a mile short according to the Runner's World app I use as a training program, but cut myself slack for all the hiking around I did getting around the conference. Yesterday I knocked out the requisite 2 mi - restarting nice n' slow while I see how my ol' flat feet hold up!
I'm going to take that $100 instead & invest in genetic testing - I've been reading interesting reports about 23andme!
www.23andme.com/
health/
For once & for all, I may be able to answer those nagging questions that will allow me to fine-tune my diet a little more:
A.) Gluten sensitivity?
B.) Lactose intolerance? (doubtful)
as well as determining other genetic markers about my metabolism & heritage...
What can I say? I'm just a science nerd at heart!
Today I'm trying to stay one step ahead of the nagging headache of "detox": a protein shake for breakfast, lots of water...
It was a great veterinary conference last weekend - saw some old friends, brushed up on the latest developments, fired up my enthusiasm for this best of all possible careers! Downside: poor dietary choices, poor sleep (funny thing is, I slept the best on my 1st night in SA, when I arrived shortly before 1 AM & knocked off about 5.5 hrs' sleep before getting up bright n' early to make the 1st morning session! On subsequent nights, I tossed & turned restlessly) - caused me to return feeling like the Pillsbury Dough-boy, awkward & bloated...
My very nice hotel room had a full-length mirror on the closet door - a chance to stop & take stock! Other than the bloated, flabby abdomen, the rest of the picture wasn't too bad: I still have nice legs, upper body shaping up slowly. I made it by the hotel gym only once - watched a young man pounding the TM & then doing some free-weight exercises out of the corner of my eye as I knocked out a mile... Just enough to break a sweat, then I had to get back to the conference.
Came home, screwed my courage to the sticking-place, made a small overture towards Hubby w/some success... (Today is our 11th anniv so we had dinner out last night - tonight Z has late dismissal from FB practice so that would make things too awkward) Guess I'll never for the life of me understand MEN.
Decided NOT to fork over that $100 entry fee for the Dallas White Rock half-marathon, but nothing stops me from TRAINING for it... Last week I was a mile short according to the Runner's World app I use as a training program, but cut myself slack for all the hiking around I did getting around the conference. Yesterday I knocked out the requisite 2 mi - restarting nice n' slow while I see how my ol' flat feet hold up!
I'm going to take that $100 instead & invest in genetic testing - I've been reading interesting reports about 23andme!
www.23andme.com/
health/
For once & for all, I may be able to answer those nagging questions that will allow me to fine-tune my diet a little more:
A.) Gluten sensitivity?
B.) Lactose intolerance? (doubtful)
as well as determining other genetic markers about my metabolism & heritage...
What can I say? I'm just a science nerd at heart!
Today I'm trying to stay one step ahead of the nagging headache of "detox": a protein shake for breakfast, lots of water...
My Losing Season
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
(...is pun-tastic: drawing parallels between my poor showing in the AERC standings this year, contrasted against my moderate success in the ongoing weight loss struggles - I should end this year down 10%, which after all these years in which my weight has crept slowly & steadily up, up, & UP will be something to celebrate!)
I unfolded myself stiffly from the car this AM; 2 hrs behind the wheel is TOO MUCH when all I've done is loop back & forth across town (letting Z sleep in a little so I drove him into school, but then I was trapped on the "wrong" side of the river, snarled in rush-hour traffic) - UGH! I'd much rather have put some mileage down on the open highway so I could actually have some progress to show for it!
This weekend I'll have my chance to prove just that as I head down to the City of Houston for my overdue checkup at MDA... My attitude was so poor, my schedule so overloaded last winter when I was looking down the barrel of hearings & court dates, facing down M over the child support nonsense - that I just couldn't face it; I canceled my MDA appointments in Dec (routine stuff: bloodwork, ultrasound scans, high-fives w/my endocrinologist). Springtime wasn't a good time either, w/my high hopes for the Ozark Trail - a few more months couldn't hurt, especially since I was actually making good progress in the physical fitness/weight loss arena! Then last summer, our schedules were completely out of whack when I was unwilling to shorten or sacrifice my trips to New Mexico & the Grand Canyon...
So here we have it - the month of OCTOBER already?!?!? I have no particular worries, as I expect the usual "stable numbers, pat on the hand, see ya next year" routine...
And as far as my ride season goes, I should thank my lucky stars that, through much trial & error, the Baraquinator has turned into a formidable distance horse - but as with my beloved Wynkhy, I can't take any particular credit for his athletic prowess! Most of what I've done has consisted of NOT pushing him too hard into an injury... His awesome genetics and a long slow distance base have culminated in this lil' fire-breathing dragon of mine - he's been unstoppable, I'VE been the weak link. Thanks to my "rider option" wimp-outs (Mt Pleasant, Bandera, Ozark Trail) early on, I'll finish up this ride season with an even less impressive 200 mi "real" endurance/130 mi Limited Distance total than last season's 350 mi...
At some point I need to get Scarlett & Moonshine going, & it'd be nice to squeeze in the occasional "pleasure ride" on the sweet mule (since Z shows no inclination of riding w/me at any point in the near future), but I'll cast my eyes forward to the 2014 season for that.
Full Martyr Jacket
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
All I had time for last week was a brief status-update about my mom driving me crazy... Those dull thumps you might have heard reverberating was me beating my head against the closest immovable object - my desk, doorframe, or wall - WHY do I keep making the SAME mistakes over & over & OVER again?!?!?
Both in my personal relationships (husband, mother - if I'm doing anything "right" at least I am getting on well w/my son these days!) and my behavior... There is something in me that sabotages stability & success time after time after time.
With 6 wks left in my competitive riding season (not that I've been the least bit "competitive" this year w/my multiple rider-option quitting episodes), I should have been back in Onederland by now - buying some more "skinny jeans", moving back down into large-size scrubs - but instead I continue ratcheting back & forth on the fulcrum between Middleweight & Heavyweight. I made a solemn vow to myself to purge my closet of all clothing that DID NOT FIT - that included the "fattest" clothes as well as the few pieces I've hung onto over the years, still hoping to reduce into 'em...
I keep on procrastinating on that chore. It's as if I can continue to deny reality.
My insomnia has been awful; as tired as I am, I dread going to bed where the miserable cycle of napping & awakening can begin anew... Last night in desperation, I took 1/2 a sleeping tablet which as always leaves me grumpy & hung-over this AM. I carefully rearranged the dog last night, snuggled up next to hubby - while he seemed perfectly happy to snuggle & chat a bit, that's as far as it went. I had already told him I'd taken my sleeping pill but was not so desperate or so blunt to tell him the ball was in his court.
Oh well I guess my body needed the sleep worse...I wish I could recall the blog link I came across: a middle-aged perimenopausal woman like myself who related how when she fixed her sleep, everything else fell into place (dietary habits, weight loss, energy levels...) Sounds divine.
Both in my personal relationships (husband, mother - if I'm doing anything "right" at least I am getting on well w/my son these days!) and my behavior... There is something in me that sabotages stability & success time after time after time.
With 6 wks left in my competitive riding season (not that I've been the least bit "competitive" this year w/my multiple rider-option quitting episodes), I should have been back in Onederland by now - buying some more "skinny jeans", moving back down into large-size scrubs - but instead I continue ratcheting back & forth on the fulcrum between Middleweight & Heavyweight. I made a solemn vow to myself to purge my closet of all clothing that DID NOT FIT - that included the "fattest" clothes as well as the few pieces I've hung onto over the years, still hoping to reduce into 'em...
I keep on procrastinating on that chore. It's as if I can continue to deny reality.
My insomnia has been awful; as tired as I am, I dread going to bed where the miserable cycle of napping & awakening can begin anew... Last night in desperation, I took 1/2 a sleeping tablet which as always leaves me grumpy & hung-over this AM. I carefully rearranged the dog last night, snuggled up next to hubby - while he seemed perfectly happy to snuggle & chat a bit, that's as far as it went. I had already told him I'd taken my sleeping pill but was not so desperate or so blunt to tell him the ball was in his court.
Oh well I guess my body needed the sleep worse...I wish I could recall the blog link I came across: a middle-aged perimenopausal woman like myself who related how when she fixed her sleep, everything else fell into place (dietary habits, weight loss, energy levels...) Sounds divine.
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