Challenges

 My ongoing challenge, first & foremost, is SURVIVAL until I can reassemble my shattered financial base: float myself a short-term loan from retirement account (might as well write off any dreams of retirement, honeybun - ha ha!), finish remodeling so we can move into “the front end” (reception/exam rooms/pharmacy & lab) of our building, get Bertha sold, get the Mesquite house sold… Phase 2 will be finishing out surgery, radiology, & kennels - then I’ll be able to sell off the surgery trailer, be back in full production, and rebuild my devastated bank accounts…

But in the meantime I signed myself up for a distraction: the Northwood Farms 12-wk Horsemanship Challenge. I’ve participated in years past - once with Scarlett, another year with Baraq. It’s a Facebook group whose purpose is to keep equestrians active & engaged during the worst part of winter: achieving 30 rides & 40 hours of training (which can include groundwork or driving exercises) over the first 12 weeks of 2024. We’ve got it pretty good down here in Texas, where the weather isn’t too extreme - but it’s interesting to read the posts of folks up north, “dashing through the snow” or coming up with arena exercises…

I notified folks in my trail riders group - the deadline to register is tonight (12/30), but whose post did I see last night but my frenemy KS in the Panhandle. I thought to myself “Once a liar, always a liar” as she had posted a mini-photo montage, saying this was she & her gelding “in Quitaque”. While it’s true, the first 2 photos were from that Pole Canyon ride, the last panoramic portrait is from Ft Stanton. How long does it take to caption a photo correctly? Yes, I am a stickler for accuracy - not to mention this is a nationwide group; I wouldn’t want to mislead anyone who saw this beautiful scenery (not that Quitaque doesn’t have some nice scenery too)

Or you could just say that Val is being bitchy, which would also be true. Doesn’t seem like I can escape Those Whom I’d Rather Avoid wherever I go… I haven’t looked at this weekend’s ride stats to see if She Who Shall Not Be Named is there (I’m certain she is; it’s too close to home!)

Yet here I sit, with my cooling cup of coffee. However, I’m planning a ride mañana since Kerry only scheduled a 2-d event this year. Sam had mentioned camping out tonight, but I can’t take the cold without an electrical hookup. Guess I’m turning into a wimp when it doesn’t count for points or mileage.

Another challenge for today shall be coaxing my mom into another shower: the “Saturday night bath” can enjoy a resurgence! Lord grant me strength.

Another Week Goes By…

 …and my nose is still above water (although that feels tenuous) - on Saturday P & I slopped through the mud to get a round bale put out for the horses, it was a genuine Keystone Kops episode!

Peran will continue to rub it in - he encouraged me to go get my round bale Thursday (before it started raining), but I was trying to stretch things out as long as I possibly could. The problem is, our small tractor  “ItsyBitsi” (it’s a Mitsubishi hence the nickname) cannot move round bales - my usual routine is to drive out into the pasture & “bowl” it off the bed of my truck. It rained all day Friday so that wasn’t happening; my first mistake was getting my truck stuck as I attempted to turn around in the front yard. When P got me pulled out, I suggested that I back the truck through the barn (which has a concrete center aisle, thanks Dad!) so we can bowl the hay bale out the back gate. Of course it rolled all the way to the fence, fortunately not busting through! but then flopped on its side. We then had to get down there with straps on Itsy & painstakingly pull the bale away from the fence & get it set back up (we don’t have a hay ring either, but the ponies don’t seem to waste too much). By the time this was all said & done, we were both coated in mud and at some point I strained my left shoulder. Merry Christmas ponies!

More thunderstorms rolled through Sat night, and rain leaked through the master bathroom vent - when I creaked into the bathroom at 6:30 AM, I slipped & busted my butt on the (wet, cold) bathroom floor. Fortunately only bruised as I contemplated poor Adela, struggling through her miserable recovery from her broken hip - she has been moved to rehab hospital which seems to be managing her nausea & pain control better. Yesterday was another form of endurance event, as I made scalloped potatoes & spicy greens, loaded up Xmas for the kids & trekked over to the Goldsmith’s where the young’uns had organized Christmas dinner. Zach & Victoria baked a ham & made green bean casserole & cornbread dressing (I gave V my recipe which she duplicated very well), we had tamales & posole, and V’s dad brought smoked turkey & elk sausage. I didn’t manage to get my mom out, but set her up with some tamales & PBS travel programs on her TV. I still cannot manage to be in more than one place at a time!

Happy Boxing Day y’all… My last amusing anecdote is how Willow decided to shred some gift bags & make a nest in our new set of bath towels (P & I had a very pared-down Christmas: he bought me a new crockpot & I bought us new towels which were desperately needed). I should’ve taken a picture before shooing her out - they needed to be washed anyway.

As Good As It Gets

 (I need to quit reaching for catchy titles & just step back to ordinary journal-type headings: “Wed the 13th”, “Tues the 19th”, etc…)

But last Wednesday truly was the 13th - I wasn’t starting my workday feeling too hot anyway, but things got dramatically worse when I arrived to find no Dr M!!! Turned out she had neglected to inform us that her husband had his follow-up appts at MD Anderson and we had a double-booked schedule with a full slate of surgeries… Somehow we got it all done, but that was a brutal day. This week is also fully booked, but not quite as hectic.

So this may be “as good as it gets” for Val’s Xmas decor: I unboxed & set up my beloved Lenox Nativity set. I’ve been collecting these pieces for almost 30 years.

You would guess correctly if you presume the Donkey to be my favorite - of course I have concentrated on the animals; now “China Jewels” is discontinued and I have to shop eBay if I contemplate filling out my set. But I haven’t added anything for many years now - they all fit nicely in a small box, and there’s not much more room on the top of this bookcase. I don’t know where I’d display it if I bought the full crèche?

But we should be blessed with Dr M’s presence tomorrow, which will free up my Wed afternoon to scrape together a few paltry things for Xmas. As usual, my husband offers me no clues: “I haven’t really thought about Christmas!” while what Z wants in HIS stocking is a paid receipt for his property taxes. There’s nothing on earth I could purchase that would satisfy my mother unless I could somehow magically reverse the hands of time - resuscitating my dad & putting them back in their house. At least I managed to coax her into the shower last Sunday; it had probably been a good solid month since she’d bathed. (The health care aides have been asking her, but she has been declining their help.)

I had loaned a small sum to my housekeeper (remember, kids - never loan out any amount of money you’re not prepared to write off as a gift!) and while she thought she’d be able to pay me back, she just asked me if she could work this off instead. This may work out as a win-win for me, since I can ask her to devote some extra time to projects like decluttering the garage and the attic.

So I better get on with things for now - one last gulp of coffee to pour down!

Raining & Pouring

 …is what it did all day Friday, as “everything else” rains down upon me like the wrath of God.

On Thursday I had my consultation/tedious testing session with Dr Crouse of the Head Trauma Center. When I began recounting to her “all that’s gone down” these past couple of years, she seemed truly surprised & sympathetic (yeah I know as a mental health professional that’s kinda her job!) - it was almost like a mini-counseling session:

Seriously injured in car wreck, exposed to Covid/lingering long Covid, forced off my property by eminent domain, the stress of relocation, ongoing nonsense of the never-ending remodeling project, parent in declining health while having to take over those reins**, peppered with what seems like “above average” losses of friends, family members, clients & other acquaintances… And those are just the highlights; I didn’t even delve into the distant husband, lopsided friendships or the slow tedious severance of my son’s umbilicus.

Zach finished up his finals in one hideous marathon session last Monday, but Tuesday morning he took Victoria to the ER for what turned out to be “tamale poisoning”. (even her grandma questioned her: “If it didn’t taste right, why did you keep on eating it?!?) Then poor Adela (V’s grandma) fell & broke her hip Thursday, so that was another long day at Medical City, awaiting her surgery Thursday night. I drove over there Thurs afternoon so Z & I could go retrieve her car. Then Z was felled by the mysterious GI bug yesterday - while I preach biosecurity to him all the time, I suspect V passed this contagion along. Urgh!

** I called out a mobile notary to sign off on new Durable POA forms for my mom since this is what her financial advisor claimed to be lacking (I thought we’d signed all that years ago, when she & Dad added me onto all their accounts) - now it should only be another “10-20 days” before everything is approved 

Perhaps there is a dim light at the end of my tunnel that is NOT an oncoming train! I’ll just have to keep the wolves away from my door for a bit longer…

So even though it’s a beautiful, clear, crisp sunny day today, I don’t think I’ll be able to work in a ride - everything’s a sloppy muddy mess & Sam has hauled off for a rider’s biomechanics seminar N of the Metroplex. Silas no longer flinches when I walk up to pet him, so I’ll count that as our “groundwork win”!

“You don’t get the pint, Woodrow. I’ve walked the earth in my pride all these years. If that’s lost, then let the rest be lost with it. There’s certain things my vanity won’t abide.”

I dug out my dog-eared copy of “Lonesome Dove” last night, just to skim some highlights (only a few, or I’d have been up all night ;-)  This one, 2 pages after the death of Augustus, also caught my eye:

“Next time you come, why don’t you just catch a grizzly bear & ride him in?” Gill said. “I’d rather stable a grizzly than this mare.”

“…why would you keep a creature like that?”

“Because I like to be horseback when I’m horseback” Call said.

Watch Val grin foolishly as I recall my parade of fabulous horseflesh: from my beautiful Bucky-boy to Shetan, Sahara-bug, Zacc-the-horse, Wynk, Quig, Champers, Baraq, Scarlotta and now Silas. (& everyone else I’m typing too fast to mention) I’ve been incredibly fortunate.

12 Days till Xmas

 …& here I sit, breathless & fatigued after Another Rough Night, marshaling my resources to get through my workday (TGFC - Thank God For Coffee!)

Somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered this, but the 12 days of Christmas start on Christmas Day and run through January 5:

12 Days of Xmas

I’ve made one short shopping run, getting pajamas for “the kids” (Z & V), but have not gotten out any of my decorations. I think the extent of my festivities will be setting up my Nativity set; I don’t feel like hauling the tree down from the attic. Besides, the only space for the Xmas tree is where my big dog bed sits, and who can disturb these preciouses??

I started to make up my own nonsensical Xmas song: “Only 12 Days till Xmas, my hypothalamus gave to me - a hot flash and general misery!” I came home after work last night freezing to death - baked myself in front of bathroom heater briefly, then bundled up in recliner. After about 2 hrs, a cataclysmic hot flash boiled up (unusual for me these days), and the rest of my night was spent in thermoregulation: throwing blankets off & on, tossing & turning to find that cool side of my pillow. It’s just as well P & I no longer share a bed, bcz I would’ve driven him crazy, even more so now that he’s fighting off some variety of winter cold. I will avert mine eyes from the mirror when I go shower off in a few - no doubt I’m a sight for sore eyes this morning!

Triggers

 I wish I could identify what jolted me out of a sound sleep at 3 AM last night? But wide awake I was, and destined to stay that way for most of the remainder of the night. Of course, I dozed off briefly an hour before my alarm went off, which in some ways made for an even "ruder" awakening as that left me very groggy & out-of-sorts.

My FitBit graded this 7 hr 10 min interlude as "Good", with which I beg to differ. Felt like a pretty crappy night to me!

                                 70 min awake, and yes indeedy, I remember that at 3 AM

                                 About an hour and & half of REM sleep seems to be par for my course

                                     Almost 5 hrs of light sleep - I would've appreciated another hour

Here's the pitifully deficient area, a little under an hour in deep sleep; this seems to be a pattern for me as when I was playing "catchup" (last Sat night when I had the absolute luxury of not having to set an alarm, I clocked 2 hrs 16 min of deep sleep), yet the FitBit only graded that night as an 80, "Good", while it graded last night as an 82??

I demand to see the algorithm!

The Curious Case of Sirius Black

 Much easier to ramble on about my horses than to face the looming catastrophe that’s opening up under my feet like the crevasse caused by an earthquake…

When I had a few free moments yesterday afternoon, I got online to renew my AERC membership. (Don’t ask me why our ride season has always run December 1 to November 30 instead of matching the calendar year?) But I decided to try to trace down any more information on Silas - if he had an AERC registration number, I didn’t want to duplicate it. I knew Crystal is primarily a NATRC rider, but another friend (Cara) had borrowed Silas for her daughter to ride - he did not complete an event with Hanna due to no fault of his own; then she lost interest. (Apparently he bounced back to Crystal briefly before Donna bought him) I then found him under a third identity, "Sirius Black". And I also found a 4th owner along his long and winding road, Lisa Drey of Colorado. I do not know what circumstances led Lisa to giving him up? Just another minor heart-squeeze - Silas is already acting much more relaxed in my barn; he no longer flinches away when I walk up to him. Hopefully he will gain reassurance that he’s found a good place with me - even if he never completes an official endurance mile, I will take care of him. He’s a good boy.

(His AERC history has been transferred to my ownership - I’ve gotten used to calling him Silas and while I like Harry Potter, Sirius Black had a squirrely unsavory reputation and he doesn’t deserve that either)

PEM

 Post-Exercise Malaise, another component of Val’s symptoms… Even if I do something very minor: a new short yoga sequence, mostly seated, consisting primarily of stretches & twists, I felt a dip in Ye Olde Energy Levels the next day, with minor soreness of upper back & shoulders. Of course part of that is also being totally deconditioned, but quite demoralizing nonetheless…

Yesterday I drove into downtown Big D at the crack of dawn, my 5th year (!!! How time flies!) of serving as veterinary steward for our Dallas Holiday Parade. One of my clients serves on the volunteer committee - I guess I work real cheap 😊; give me a parking pass & a seat in the bleachers & I’ll be there! I have invited friends, family, employees but everyone’s got their own holiday groove going on…

I started to title this “Enforced Holiday Cheer” bcz that’s what it felt like - who can believe it’s December already?!? Another variety of PEM from yesterday’s hike, approx 5K going back & forth to the parade “VIP” bleachers. I gave serious consideration to getting myself a hotel room, but couldn’t justify the expense or stimulate DH’s interest - even shopping last-minute deals, nothing could be had for less than $200/night.

                                   Since when did Darth Vader become festive??!!??

                                                                   Who ya gonna call?

The whole reason I was there - standby in case of any incidents with the parade horses. We only had 3 equestrian groups, kinda sad - in our tiny Bristol Fourth of July parade I believe we’ve got more ponies!

Bamboozled

 Absolutely just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when I’m tempted to crumple onto the floor (my bathroom floor these days, right in front of my cozy propane heater!). This cold weather ain’t helpful to my productivity - I need to recheck my thyroid levels just to certain all is well, but still desperately strapped-for-cash…

Nevertheless, I zipped away for a quick campout with my trail riding buddies last weekend, that math was fairly easy:

$150 in diesel fuel

$100 campground fees

$45 in snacks/shareable food items (chips & dip, a shrimp tray, cheese board, etc)

Time with friends/good day of riding = PRICELESS!!!

We had perfect clear sunny weather Saturday morning; Mr Silas gave my friend’s son’s GF a great experience. Carissa had ridden as a child but had not sat a horse in probably a decade. A cold front with drizzling rain rolled in on us Saturday afternoon, but we made the best of it, utilizing the cabin’s screened porch & covered gazebos.

                              Mr Silas was tired after a solid day’s work (approx 10 mi on challenging trails)

                                                           Susie & Rocky

                                    Carla’s son Victor aboard his dad’s Belgian mule Kate

                       Victor lead-lined Carissa initially while she was figuring things out 

                                         Down by the riverside

I had no earthly business running away from my responsibilities like this, but got new work crew started on clinic - finishing out lobby/exam rooms/lab & pharmacy area so we can move ourselves in and I can sell Big Bertha the mobile unit. Surgery/radiology & the kennels will have to wait - we can continue to work out of the surgery trailer for now. My mother is clamoring to move back to the Villages but I don’t see any earthly way to make that happen for her before the holidays. (And while I think it would be a poor choice, it’s her life & I don’t want her to be miserable - she is still mentally competent.) But I have not made any decisions yet - I can only imagine Zach’s consternation. Let’s face it, the poor woman is determined to be miserable wherever she might be; all she can talk about is her strong desire to rejoin my dad…

42

 My cousin Vanessa is our family’s statistician/amateur genealogist… She has gathered the stories of our elders as she exhaustively documents our family gatherings. I’m thrilled to report that Z & V were ON TIME as we were being ushered onto the front porch for The Annual Family Portrait. There were 42 of us gathered together, an auspicious number especially if you’re a Douglas Adams fan!

My cousin Clifford’s wife (unspecified metastatic cancer was found to be the cause of her back pain & immobility last summer; she has had radiation therapy & oral chemotherapy) made it out of her house - it was a bittersweet moment when she hobbled over to greet my mom. Very strange to contemplate that Mom will likely outlive Marilyn - everyone seemed pleasantly surprised that my mom had graced us with her presence, even though she became restive shortly after our bountiful luncheon, I took her back home about 2:30, then bounced back in an attempt to spend a little more time with my cousins - however, the celebration was dispersing by the time I returned (shortly before 4 PM)

My cousin Rick's widow is downsizing: clearing out my aunt & uncle's sprawling ranch-style home since it's far too large for her needs as the "last resident standing": Ann & Rick moved in with Aunt Sue after Uncle Willie passed away (easy for me to remember with my post-Z timeline: Z was 6 wks old in 1998). Rick was their eldest son, who was tasked with caretaking their youngest, cousin Steve who had the mentality of a 4-5 yr old. Unfortunately Rick himself passed away in 2011 (heart attack), then Steve in 2018 (cancer), followed by Aunt Sue in 2021, leaving Ann all alone in that huge house. I have not been able to get up there to help on any of her big weekend clean-outs - she brought a box of assorted photos & a set of Zelda the bulldog books I had given my aunt over the years. I left the big photo album with my mom but I’ll post some highlights of a young cowgirl - ex & I took our ponies for multiple visits back in the day…

Trudging Onwards

 My sleep quality has been marginally better this week, even though my most recent technique of fitting the back of my head into the notch between my pillows (sounds weird, I know, but it seemed to help my restless habit of tossing n’ turning) no longer seems to be effective. I’m most comfortable curled up on my left side - didn’t arise for a potty break until 5:30 AM, yeah me!

However, I still find it hard to peel myself off the mattress bcz I really don’t have much to look forward to these days… Ongoing financial stress, my mother’s unending misery at her situation, not much time and energy for much outside of work duties. My cousin will be hosting our early Turkey Day celebration mañana, which to me just seems to line up as more logistical juggling:

A.) when I reminded Hubby (this is not new; Vanessa has hosted “early Thanksgiving” for the past 4 years now), he replied he might be fashionably late since he has his “men stuff” group mtg on Saturday. I have counted on P in past years to deliver my food items, since I have to swing up into town to go collect Mom. Fortunately, he stalked into the kitchen this morning to say he had “made his excuses”. Great job, dear!

B.) I had been mulling over how to swing things without risking food poisoning of my family: cook tonight/refrigerate/reheat vs prep tonight/get up extra early to bake my cornbread dressing & roast those sweet potatoes, then hope everything would “hold” as I went to pick up Mom. Thankfully with Hub's acquiescence to family duties, I'll be able to fall back on original plan: prep tonight, put in oven in the morning with instructions to P as to when to take out - since he'll be driving straight to my cousin's house, all should be well!

C.) My last challenge shall be getting over to Arabella, coaxing Mom into the shower, plugging my ears to her complaints as we practice basic hygiene & I transport her to Waxahachie. If I sound sour, it's bcz I am - most of those old folks would be thrilled to death to be taken out for a meal/family outing. Can I make a substitution? (Bad Val - bad, bad Val!!!)

D.) Call it cognitive dissonance, early-onset senior disillusionment, or what have you, but I always envisioned marriage as a partnership - each of us striving to support our partner (not that constructive criticism is out of the question), fundamentally having each other's backs... But I've had the distinct impression these past few years that P is more invested in questioning my methodology, or playing "NIGYYSOB" games of one-upmanship. I've never forgotten some of the transactional-analysis terms Father Rick discussed with us in high school: "Now I've Got You, You SOB"! OK, honey, mea culpa. Just another thing that I miss.

I also met my personal-injury (defense) attorney yesterday - one of the first questions he asked me was if I had posted on social media about my accident? Thankfully, I could truthfully answer "No", since I save my soft white underbelly for these blogs & more private venues. Hopefully they'll be able to make hay out of the fact that my neighbor was posting about his "new car shopping" exploits on FB on the very day of the accident - so much for being badly injured...

My Losing Season

Or “Push Comes to Shove” - I knew riding weekends were going to conflict with our struggles to finish the remodeling project & get moved into the clinic building at some point; this weekend I stayed home as I needed to meet a new work crew who came out to patch the roof leaks** Saturday, then I decided not to push myself so hard as to rush off before dawn’s early light again to catch Day 3 of our nearby ride on Sunday… (while I enjoyed hauling out to meet my trail riding buddies last weekend, I felt the aftereffects)

** while my contractor of course is not responsible for rusted screws in original construction (the building is 23 yrs old), he IS responsible for whichever of his workmen drilled a screw from interior out! Yes, we took lots of pictures. My main concern at this point is fixing Misti’s vehicle; I don’t know if it will be worth trying to extract blood from this particular turnip by taking him to court for breach of contract?

The pain was minimal as I surveyed this year’s ride results: at this point I should be accustomed to lowered expectations. For these past 2 years, all I’ve managed to complete are a handful of Intro rides. I should count myself lucky that ride management didn’t ask for my help for this most recent ride, since I would’ve had to respectfully decline.

Time to get on with things this morning - at least I have a Cowboys victory to savor! They were slow in getting it together (no scores in 1st quarter) but wound up trouncing the NY (Football) Giants 49 - 17

Self-Hypnosis: Defense vs Offense

 My only true accomplishment yesterday was securing an attorney to represent me in this damn post-auto accident nightmare. My attorney had given me several referrals but I was striking out everywhere - the dude screening calls for Ben Abbott was downright rude! I may pop back to leave a nasty review…. He was condescendingly explaining how I should “let my insurance handle it”, not listening to me in the least. When I finally chided him for taking such an argumentative tone with me, he said well our litigation department is at capacity - OK, but why didn’t you tell me that from the get-go?

Hopefully I have hit a home run with Rusty Reynolds - at least he agreed to take the case on a contingency basis because Lord knows I don’t have any surplus funds to pay towards attorneys’ fees. I was seriously injured in this accident and even though I was willing to let things go as long as my medical expenses were covered and my vehicle replaced, now that they’ve come after me I must defend myself - and, as my attorney said, the best defense is a strong offense. It is my neighbor who is indulging in a frivolous lawsuit, not me. (I had sent a message to my former SIL - a FL family law attorney - to see if she had any referrals for me from her relatively brief time in N TX but of course I never hear from her unless it’s something that SHE needs…)

The irony, don’t it burn?!? As if I don’t have enough drama going on in my life - I have failed to deal with the obstacle of the Obstinate Financial Advisor (the one who has been insisting on my poor confused mother’s authorization on disbursements), but here we go again!

Her assistant called Mom first thing in the morning for “permission” (nevermind my medical & legal POA’s) before I had a chance to prep her, so she said “No” when asked… Damage was done, when I called her to explain what I was trying to do (90-d discount has expired at new AL facility, since we’ll now be running at a small deficit I wanted to transfer a small sum to her savings account, from which I could withdraw as needed) - all Mom heard (in her mind) is that Evil Daughter is trying to steal more of her money! 🤦‍♀️

Melissa (financial adviser) said she needed a competency letter from mom’s doctor - fine! And amazingly enough, his nurse had that to me that very day - I forwarded it on to Melissa, should have been 1 problem solved, at least.

But when I called Ms Thang to confirm she had received my email, the first words out of her mouth were: “Do you WORK with Dr Williams?” which caught me too off-guard for a snappy reply**; I replied no, Dr Williams is the physician who covers Arabella!

So Melissa feels morally obligated to “take this up the chain” to speak to her supervisors?!? As I said, the whole exchange was so shocking, I could only mumble “Alright”

** what I should’ve said: No, Melissa, I am a veterinarian - we don’t form partnerships with human physicians!

The more I think about it, the madder I get - I want to yell at her to mind her own effing business! I’ve been dealing with my mom’s slow decline for almost 4 yrs, she has NO IDEA. Mom is refusing to bathe now, locks herself in her room and barely goes out. Absolutely infuriating for Melissa to insert herself in the middle. As soon as I am granted full control I’m transferring that account.

So last night as I was shuffling through the pantry I found an old packet of one of my herbal formulas “Hypnotic” - so I mixed up a dose and drank it at bedtime. It might’ve helped a little bit  -  I didn’t have any prolonged awakenings but still tossed and turned quite a bit.

Sleep Analysis

 My 3-day leap across 5 time zones still has me a little messed up. I seem to be using my FitBit (souvenir of my graduated-exercise study) mostly to squint at my sleep patterns - but I really couldn’t say whether this is helpful, or my own version of obsession? On the night I flew to London, my device reported that I napped for 2 hrs 45 minutes which fits my miserable memory of trying to sleep crammed into a middle seat (I had failed to grab my neck pillow) with my neighbor on the aisle getting up multiple times for what I can only presume were GI disturbances. I certainly didn’t achieve any deep restful sleep, but at least I kept really still and closed my eyelids.

These past few nights I’ve awakened between 2 - 4 AM, with harder than usual struggles to get back to sleep. It’s nothing new for me to have to get up for potty breaks of course, and general insomnia has been my cross to bear for many years. Just a few more things to worry about these days - my contractor has not shown up to work this week so we’ll see if anything happens today? (In all likelihood I’m going to have to fire him and take him to court for breach of contract). I also have to hire my own defense attorney about the car accident I had almost 2 years ago since my neighbor found an ambulance-chaser to sue everyone and everything, so I’m a named party in his $2 million lawsuit which greatly exceeds my ordinary insurance coverage. Fan-fucking-tastic!!! I’m surprised the silly son of a bitch isn’t suing the Texas Department of Transportation over the guardrail that I bounced off of which caused me to hit his vehicle -if it hadn’t have been there, I would’ve just proceeded merrily over the crest of the hill down into the ditch.

Jet Lag R Us

 It’s currently 7:35 AM CST - I’m a little groggy & disoriented since I’m dealing with both jet lag and return to ordinary time (I feel like I’m dreadfully late as I look outside even though I have another blessed half-hour before I have to start figuratively saddling up…

Peran is already up in his office as I hear filtered conversations on his headset. Don’t know if it’s family matters or business, although most of his family convos have seemed to be by cell phone.

I’m still processing my quickest dash-across-the-pond to date; I’m glad that I went since my SIL Kate really seemed to appreciate my presence,  neither had the finality of Ken’s death sunk in so well with me as when I laid my hand upon his coffin, or noticed the gaping lack of his presence as the family gathered together. It was a hell of a wake! - we piled into Ken’s golf club after the service & pretty much took it over. Being a grayish drizzly weekday, there certainly weren’t many golfers venturing out.

I didn’t get to read the pathologist’s report but of course Kate had questions for me: Ken had 2 myocardial infarctions secondary to left ventricular hypertrophy. So in essence I could compare him to a cat, since cardiomyopathy can similarly strike dead these individuals with few premonitory signs… and Ken had shared no symptoms with Kate - at this point, she’s most concerned for her children’s future health. I explained bloodwork may be helpful but an echocardiogram is the best diagnostic test. When we got back home, I asked Peran what action he was going to take - he shrugged and said he would take his doctor’s  recommendations as his next check-up is coming up soon. So what am I, chopped liver?!? Peran did hold my hand at the funeral as he shed a few tears, but other than that he remains his usual non-communicative self. We shared a bed at our hotel for 2 nights (Wednesday & Thursday) then of course we flew back home Friday. He turned his back to me each time - I don’t know what to say or do? Of course Wednesday night he was emotionally wrung out - he was also irritated by the fact that Zach called me at 3 AM to tell me our Rangers had won the World Series! So I’ll just dump my photos here and contemplate life, the universe, & everything in my meditation sessions.

                 Our family photo from Cape Cod trip 4 years ago

                 The brothers circa 2017 as this was one of the last photos with their ailing mum

          Tommy’s friends clustered around him on terrace of golf club (between raindrops)

              I had a solitary beer to celebrate my Rangers as hotel showed highlights of the Series

                        The vegetation at the club was gorgeous - you’d have loved it OJ!

                                  The sun peeked out again as we awaited our return flight