Again, **JUST** when I'm ready to delete FB, quit devoting any precious irreplaceable time & effort to this social media juggernaut, I come across a post which helps clarify my own situation. (This is a response to colleague in my single-moms group - her husband has decompensated in his mental health over these past 4 years and doesn't seem invested in helping himself or his marriage. She is considering building herself a "She Shack" since she doesn't want to divorce or abandon him, nor does she want to vacate her home & property - sounds as if she may have a hobby farm like my own? Her young adult children are guilt-tripping her, but "in sickness & in health" is not a helpless "Get Out of Jail Free" card.)
I've made many grim, not-entirely-satirical jokes in the past when P & I were having our worst difficulties, that he loved my farm more than he loved ME...
"If you are miserable with him, and you think living apart from him will make you happier, then staying married isn’t likely to work out long term. At this point, the only real reason for you to stay together is because neither of you wants to lose your property, and you can’t base a marriage on “neither of us wants to leave our property.” Honestly, it sounds like that’s the ONLY reason you have left to stay married to your husband, as you are miserable with him and clearly want to move out. But you can’t stay in a miserable marriage forever just so neither of you has to leave your property. Is it worth it to have your property but be unhappy for the rest of your life? I wouldn’t think so. What good does property do you if you spend every day totally miserable with the person you are married to and living with?
You only have one life to live. No one deserves to spend it with someone who is making them miserable. You’ve spent 4 years fighting for the relationship you used to have with your husband; how many more years are you willing to sacrifice and spend unhappy? At some point, you need to live YOUR life, and do what is right for yourself. Don’t live in misery for the sake of doing what other people want you to do, even if those people are your own kids. More than anyone else, they should want you to be happy. Don’t feel guilty for not being able to make everyone around you happy, and instead focus on doing the right thing for YOU. Big hugs… doing what is right for yourself can be so hard sometimes, but in the long run, it will be the one decision you won’t regret.
"
Sometimes you have to choose sanity and self over the bottomless pit of sacrifice that swallows you. There are times when I have twinges (been divorced 20 years now) of "what if" thinking, but I know I could not have become the me that I am had I tried to hold on any longer.
ReplyDeleteThat's tough.
ReplyDeleteI have had no regrets about my first marriage ending. It was a huge mistake for both of us and we probably knew it at the time if we were honest. We had very little in common. I don't think one can expect much from a marriage of 2 strangers. I met him when I was 14 and married him at 18 and divorced him when I was 31. Yet when we went to a marriage counselor she stated that I didn't know him. I can read people like a book and knew she detested him. I have no idea why and she was not at liberty to tell me but she did tell me that he was an alcoholic which I had avoided labeling him and that I could not build a life on feeling sorry for him and wanting to turn him into a human being. I was normal, he was not. She told me that really what I needed to do was trust my feelings and move on, build a new life, and I did. He is still the same mess he always was as from time to time I run into someone who wants to tell me about him. Or he would call me when he was drunk. I'm not interested. At my age I would not want to start over again though. And my second marriage was not a mistake like the first one. I have had a good life.
ReplyDelete