(I know this is a repeated title of mine which may have been for an old SP blog - the novel "Flower for Algernon" really had a strong affect on me when I came across it as a teenager)
I am haunted by several of Tish’s observations:
A.) Yes, absolutely true that my ex-husband’s complicated family history was a mess - he admitted that himself! And I admit that, even though I knew he was a flawed and imperfect man, I had fallen in love with him - my “doctor complex” was activated; I thought I could help him work through those old traumas. Lord knows a big highlight of our conversations back in the day was verbally dissecting the rest of the family - of course, I had issues in my own as well which were also fair game…
B.) “I don’t even know who I am anymore” - boy, can I relate! I based my whole identity on becoming a veterinarian and eventually achieving “The Dream” of my own clinic. Now with everything being such a god-awful mess that has morphed into a nightmare. I keep on telling myself things will be better when we can move into the building, when I can get the mobile unit sold, when I get things straightened out with my mom’s investment account - but right now everything is roiling in the muck! (Ha, how about if and when my husband finds a job to take some of the financial pressure off me??!!??)
But for now I’ve just gotta take it one day at a time for sure - poor Bo has a painful, enlarged lymph node in his neck which I’m sure is related to his cancer eye (squamous cell carcinoma). I haven’t decided how much is Sunk Cost Fallacy or not, but he was first in line at the gate this morning so I’m going to take him back to Texas A&M to have him scanned and see what, if anything can be done? A bold surgeon could strip it out of there, but I don’t have the facilities or a large animal anesthetic machine to make that happen (I’ve never been shy about working on my own animals - I do not understand some of my colleagues who fall into dithering panic when it’s their own babies?!?
“The Most Expensive Free Horse of All Time”!!! But I owe him that chance…
Easy to get distracted worrying about sweet Bo, but last night my mental gears kept on getting hung up in the calendar - several times when I awoke I thought it was late Sunday night/early Monday morning & had to keep telling myself no, you idiot, it’s Friday! These minor lapses are distressing to me. I got my copy of the report from the Head Injury Institute and of course, she corroborates my TBI. One thing she mentions is, even though I scored “average” on many of the tests - as a veterinarian, no doubt I used to be “above average”. Ugh. 🤦♀️
Also contemplating the anniversary of my half sister‘s death , but that’ll be a reminiscence for another blog.
As to "A"... still loving our ex-es is not an uncommon thing, but it is a complicated one. I still care about my son's father, and am gratified each time I talk to my son & verify that his dad is OK, and still keeping on. All the while wondering.
ReplyDeleteAnd "B" reminds me of a conversation with my dentist, who had a similar dream of having her own dental practice, which she now does... and is in that mental quandary of "what's next"? She's not roiling (or at least not disclosing if she is), but wondering. One day at a time... the human condition!
Is that a common female thing? Wondering?
Hang in there, my friend!
My first hubby had major childhood issues too. His dad left his mom and 6 kids, ages 6 months - 6 years/2 sets of twins, to run off with another woman who had his 5 children before he ran off and abandoned them too. Great guy and I have always felt that men and women like this need surgically sterilized, by force if need be. You and I know first hand how this turns out for the children they leave behind. My exes siblings and he are all divorced except for the one who never married. They lived in severe poverty in their grandma's 4 room house. Is it any wonder that my ex and his siblings or your ex have no idea how to be even semi-normal? Be a parent or spouse? I don't blame my ex either. I do blame his worthless dad who showed up after his kids were all married. The turd had brought them all a crockpot and wanted to see them. My ex said, "F him!" Strangely enough my MIL begged me to get David to go. I asked why. She said that she wanted them to have the crockpot. I told her we had a crockpot and she said she knew that. This was so important to her that I did get my ex to go and David called his dad by his given name. Certainly not dad but one of the twin's sat on sperm donor's lap like a little girl. The youngest refused to go. When sperm donor saw me his teeth almost fell out and he told David how well he had married. The old creep actually tried to flirt with me and I was as frosty toward him it was like winter in the Yukon. And my MIL was actually there!! So was his current girlfriend whose idea this all was. She seemed like a nice lady so I'm not sure what she was doing with sluggard. Hopefully her taste in men became more discerning.
ReplyDeleteRegarding B - Things will improve when those things happen!! They will. I hope things start to happen soonish.
I hope Bo can be helped!
I am at an age where experts seem to accept that mental lapses are to be expected but I don't like it either. I don't have time for this B.S.
Better days are on the horizon. No time to flag now.
Yep, it was easy for my tender young heart to bleed for Ex’s strange, disrupted, traumatic childhood (can you imagine being told at 5 yrs of age that you needed to be “the man of the house”?!?) but also having sympathy for the damaged soul of my former MIL - she was abused by her stepfather & neglected by her mother, desperate to escape her unhappy childhood home…
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Yes, I certainly can imagine as I had no childhood really. I was my crazy parent's confidante/psychiatrist as early as I can remember. Both of them were off the charts neurotic. It actually helped me become street smart. Dad was what I refer to as a serial adulterer. No conscience or restraint at all. Like Wilt Chamberlain, Warren Beatty, Charlie Sheen, Gene Simmons. Mom was mental. Attempted suicide, had narcolepsy, dependency issues, also became a serial adulterer. It was a fun life. Sometimes they expected me to meet their trysts. Dad wanted to leave earlier than he did but was concerned about me being mom's slave, which I was. So I don't have much empathy for people who use the "bad parent's card" to explain their own bad behavior. I was abused or almost abused in every way imaginable and I turned out okay. A little cynical and lacking in trust but then most people are not trustworthy. Best to know that and I do.
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