And Just Like That…

 …there’s another Disturbance in The Force. I wanted to write about the rest of my weekend so I would have A.) a date as well as B.) a record of pleasant experiences to review at my leisure.

But last night, Dr M texted me that her son Matt died - my flawed memory has a vague recollection that he was fighting lymphoma? I know no details, they are making arrangements today. I think I would lose the ability to press buttons on my phone if something happened to Zach; I’d be catatonic.

Sunday afternoon I met Zach at NorthPark Mall, where we did a little bit of shopping. I was torn between titling this entry “Remembrance of Things Past” versus “Incentives”. We’ve clocked many miles hiking all over NorthPark over the years - Z told me I needed to update my wardrobe so we hit the sale racks at Macy’s. Z picked out a blue sleeveless Calvin Klein dress, size 12. I did not want to disappoint him by going to the fitting room and trying to struggle into it so I just went ahead and bought it: it’s a $79 incentive. He also got me a couple of tops and a new short skirt - I had gone to the REI store to try to find my little hiking skort, but they no longer seem to carry it. For himself,  Zach got a pair of green Adidas shoes - we’ve made countless jokes over the years about his shoe fetish!

So I’ve got to roll on with my day - I will swing by to turn on my mother’s television. She told me last night she had sat with a new acquaintance at dinner; I was so encouraged but in the next breath she was complaining that this place was “the pits” and she wanted to go back to her cottage. The Direct TV system really is not user-friendly; I’ve asked them several times to make it easier for her to operate but I guess I’ll have to take my complaints higher up the chain!

                                                      The shoe maven in his natural habitat

Drifting Onwards

 Usually I plug in an appropriate title & start typing, but this morning it has floated out of my foggy lil’ head! Yesterday afternoon as I drove home, storm clouds threatened, the temperature dropped 12°, you could smell the moisture in the air - but in the end we got not one precious drop of rain!

My pasture looks like the lunar landscape; we desperately need rain. Scattered pockets of precipitation fell around the Metroplex yesterday but otherwise the blast furnace-type heat wave continues. A few brave souls did a short early morning ride in Lancaster but I didn’t join them because I needed those precious extra moments of additional sleep. Annie has settled in well and seems to have made friends with Scarlett. Baraq didn’t finish his breakfast yesterday which concerned me, but I think he was just listless because of the heat? 

Most of my weekend seemed to be devoted to other projects: Saturday I coaxed my mom into the shower after a 10 day interval. She had another minor fall last Tuesday - fortunately just bruised her wrist but it shook her up, she has hardly set foot outside her room thereafter. My mood is somber as I contemplate the fact I may have waited too long to move her, as she seems unable to enjoy this facility. I called my friend Charles for a reality check - isolated in Rockport as he ages (he’s now 82), he reminds me that my mom has chosen her own misery and there’s not much I can do to influence things at this point.

Saturday afternoon, I met up with Zach so he could show me The Ring. I am tickled to report that jewelry stores still offer layaway plans. It’s an impressive emerald cut, laboratory-grown diamond with encrusted bands (I guess that’s the style these days)- -I started to snap a picture of it but I figured that might be bad luck? So I’m inserting a photo of my friend J’s rings - the wedding band is similar. I don’t see how a working RN can wear such gemstones but all that matters is that Z thinks Victoria will love it. I asked Z  about his timeline for the proposal/presentation of this ring but of course that is months away as he gets it paid for!

And on Sunday afternoon, I was able to see Z again, bearing bribes from Costco (Topo Chico mineral water & protein shakes); I also had been in a cookin' mood, making a big pot of potato soup to tempt my mom's appetite, so I took Z a tub as Peran politely declined.

I wish I could tell you what's up with that man o'mine, as he seems to be trying to subsist on protein shakes himself to battle his regain. The loss of our local gym was a big setback to him, as he can no longer access those weights, and misses the camaraderie of his gym buddies... He still hikes miles up & down our road each & every day. Take it from me, sometimes there is no escaping one's genetics.

Good Lil’ Piggie

 Yesterday I trekked back out to UT Arlington for the 12-week wrap-up of this interventional exercise study. While I may have gotten about half a lap farther on the six-minute walking test, I think everything else was virtually identical… certainly my weight was, but what was I expecting since I haven’t faithfully adhered to my own standards for diet?

I filled out their questionnaires about diet and exercise, which is only a reminder of how faulty memory and perception are! As well as perceiving things through rose-colored glasses - that intermittent yoga classes & a little bit of horseback riding did much for me in terms of fitness. My shortness of breath these days seems noticeably worse, but of course when it’s 100° outside that could play a factor.

However, I must be one of the most reliable guinea pigs they’ve got, because they gave me another Accugraph (the wristband accelerometer), fitted me with another CGM, and asked me to wear it all along with the Fitbit for another two weeks. Why not? So I’ll return September 14th, always nice to see the old campus!

I have not seen any workmen for the past week, supposedly the hold up is waiting for the HVAC man to come back and test the system? So needless to say, I don’t have any reasonable hope of us being able to move in over Labor Day weekend - there’s still raw sheetrock, ductwork and wiring dangling about. I went ahead and signed up me and my crew for the state veterinary conference, which is the third weekend in September down in San Antonio. As much as I’d like to traipse up to the Ozark trail ride which is that weekend, Baraq would beat me to death and I don’t have Annie legged up yet. 

I have to select a fork in the road as far as my ongoing healthcare needs: I did not pay the $3000 retainer for my concierge physician because quite frankly, I’m disappointed with how she stepped back and seemed  to be relying on routine diagnostic work and her stubborn insistence that I take an antidepressant for my long Covid symptoms - urging me to get another booster when I suffered a bad reaction/setback after the third one she strong-armed me into is disturbing.

My choices seem to be continuing on my DIY route with the health advice gurus I follow or to go see another chiropractic acupuncturist that my friend J really likes. The acupuncture treatments I took last year initially did seem to be helpful so I might give that another go…

But for now it’s time to saddle up  and go to work.

Quantum Physics & Fairytales

 I was surprised but not completely shocked** to open the Book of Faces yesterday and see that my friend J got married in an ultra-small ceremony last weekend. What a status update!

** J had warned me that they were gonna tie the knot first, worry about celebrating later…Not that the size of the wedding has anything to do with the longevity of the marriage, of course, but it does worry me a bit that she was so keen on getting him tied down; seems as if they only reconciled a few weeks ago? (I know it’s been longer than that as my foggy brain smears time frames together)

J shacked up with M 12 or 13 yrs ago primarily to transfer her daughter into Highland Park schools. Their relationship imploded in part bcz M was on the rebound from the demolition of his 2nd marriage - another contentious divorce which I was only hearing about from J’s POV. M’s late-teen & young adult children were not in favor of this new potential stepmother… At any rate, it was a messy breakup at the time, but the next thing I hear “all is forgiven” when M reappears after J has conveniently settled her lawsuit (I’ll have to do an entire separate post on that mess!) - that alone makes Val’s suspicious mind grind her gears.

Let’s just say that J has been searching for as long as I’ve known her (I met her during my own contentious divorce around 2005) for that fairytale ending: finding her Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet & take care of her. I wish her every happiness, but doubts remain. Not that I’m any great model of a fantastic ecumenical marriage, but 20 years together must mean something doesn’t it?

At least Peran acquiesced to date night Saturday night and we went to see “Oppenheimer” which was fantastic. I was as impressed by the sweeping New Mexico landscapes as I was by the character studies and the quantum physics. Z & V had already seen it - Zach was a little underwhelmed but I hope I rekindled his interest with some of our discussion. I had hoped my mom had some memory of those proceedings (I’m sure my dad kept abreast of it at the time) but alas, I have waited too late to ask her such questions. 

Don’t Always Get What You Want

 Let us all break into song here: “But if you try sometimes, ya might get what you need!!!”

A minor crash after what feels like many weeks of heightened adrenaline - Brooks (city manager of Ferris) handed me a check for $100K** yesterday afternoon, which I then made a desperate rush across N Ellis County to deposit (no Wells Fargo branch in Ferris). I feel as if I can take a full breath again as I have watched the bills pile up these past 2 wks…

**$100K sounds like a lot - & it certainly is, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful - but the invoice on the top of my heap is from my HVAC guys for $44K, which doesn’t even include some additional ventilation fans and UV fixtures for disinfection (hopefully that won’t be more than another $5K, but there’s half those funds gone). A few pharmaceutical bills, a couple of credit card payments, and catching up on my overdue quarterly tax payments and “poof” there it goes! My mistake, I guess, was paying for everything as I went along - trying to maintain my status quo which was having everything paid for… perhaps the lesson here is, don’t get your financial planning advice from an Aggie?

My CPA is gonna have one hell of a mess to straighten out but that’s what I pay her for! I’ll buy her a nice bottle of wine, perhaps, or some other sort of thank-you gift. A grim laugh as I contemplate those old realities, death and taxes. It is surely above my pay grade to fix our system, but something is dreadfully wrong when I can have my choice of drowning in debt, being taxed to death, or both simultaneously!

My mood was really low the other night, but I decided there were still a few things this ol’ carcass wants: one will be picking up Annie Saturday and see if she has any potential, taking her to a few fall rides. The other is completing this damn clinic project so myself, my clients and employees can enjoy the new facility - and the third constant is, as always, taking care of my critters. My hubby has retreated to his upstairs office - six months of unemployment and I still don’t know what his big plan is? At this point, I would’ve taken a job at Buc-ee’s just to have something to do…

Atlas is off to shoulder the world’s burdens.

Minor Celebrations

 Once again, another trail-riding buddy offered the sanctuary of their beautiful home & swimming pool for a “Too Hot To Ride” get-together Saturday night… I treated myself to a “mini-yoga retreat” by taking 2 classes Saturday morning: Vinyasa flow w/Kristy (new class & instructor to me), followed by Yin relaxation w/Shana. I picked up my neighbor who recently lost her husband, she was very appreciative.

My mood has been somber - not only from lack of riding! My mother’s ongoing struggles to adapt to her new living situation are distressing - actually this is the opposite of adaptation; it’s desperate attempts to turn back the clock & return things to the way she’d like them to be: ideally back when my father was alive, at the very least when she herself was stronger & self-sufficient… She once again refused offers of showering so I didn’t force the issue. (This reminds me to search out a refill for the Chanel bath powder that she loves) And I found a “Showering Chart” in the laundry room - I’m going to add mom’s number and see what happens?

We were both depressed after receiving bad news about my cousin’s wife - her back pain has been diagnosed as metastatic cancer! Primary tumor unknown - they are meeting with her doctors today to formulate a plan. Of course I mentioned MD Anderson, but Clifford doesn’t think it’s practical? I have ominous premonitions; this reminds me, distressingly enough, of Peran’s Mum 6 yrs ago (she was gone 4 mos after diagnosis).

I took Zach & Victoria to the Brazilian steakhouse last night for our celebratory dinner - Calculus class passed and a “B” in Physics! I’ve been angling to go see “Oppenheimer” but haven’t carved out the time for a 3-hour movie yet… Maybe next weekend?

Zach gifted Caroline, the beloved bearded dragon he raised from a tiny hatchling, to my girl Kristy’s 7-yr old son. Gunner was beyond thrilled.

Cheesecake to top off a great meal at the Brazilian steakhouse (they had picanha but it wasn’t QUITE as savory as JR’s!)

Last night I seemed to mostly sweat & doze. Pretty damn miserable - I seem to require about an hour & a half of “Deep Sleep”, while last night I only got 19 minutes 

Land of Confusion

 Yesterday (my so-called “day off”) was a busy non-day-of-rest: I attended the funeral of a good client as our clinic representative, then went by Arabella to help mom shower (I offered 3 times during my visit with her yesterday - when I first arrived, after we got back from lunch, and before I left. No, no, and no! But then she called me yesterday evening after I was already settled in at home to tell me I was welcome to return to help her bathe 🤦‍♀️)

Once again she did not go to breakfast or lunch, but a staff member brought her a box lunch. I left her to continue my errands shortly after 2 PM (on to Mesquite house to clear out frozen rodents from fridge, retrieve a box of books from the storage shed, then my final stop of the day - going to see Zach in Irving)

Mijo was studying for his last final (Physics), looking understandably tired, but news to celebrate this weekend is that he PASSED CALCULUS!! Putting him 3 credit hours closer towards that degree… Won’t that be One Fine Day?!?

But Mom started calling me at 3:41, 3:58, 4:06, 4:26, 4:56, 5:10, and 5:30 PM, leaving an increasingly garbled series of messages - she was convinced I had left her at a motel and wanted me to “come pick up she & Abby & take them home”.

I called my friend on staff to check on her, and she said she had just helped Mom walk Abby in the courtyard? So I delayed calling her back a little longer, then tried to carefully explain that she was, in fact, “HOME”.

She asked me to please bring her some strychnine to end her misery. 

Folks, I got nuthin’ outside of talking to the Nursing Director (AGAIN). Maybe Abby needs some Xanax??

Last weekend’s pleasant memories recede even more rapidly into the past. There is such a thing as being too competent a cowgirl - Sam & Gayle have decided that I need to buy Annie. She’s a beautiful little mare with great athletic potential - I’d be happy to have her, but Deb decided it’s not the right time to take in Bo. So now Val needs to come up with another cover story so I can get what I want (merely a comfortable mount to ride?!?) - perhaps if/when I get my grant money I’ll finish the small pasture fence at the clinic & move a couple of my cripples up there? I suggested that Gayle use Bo as her rehab horse when she’s cleared to ride (hip replacement a couple of months ago) so they are considering that straight swap… He’s not gaited, but calm & steady & prefers to just plod down the trail at a walk.

                                          Paging our Trail Crew (Rick & Steve last weekend)

The perspective is a little skewed, but yes, in fact Sam’s Thunder is a tall giraffe of a Tennessee Walker at 17 hands! Annie probably clocks in at just under 15 which is a good “trail height”. I know they wanted their own matched pair of gaited ponies, but that old saying is as true as ever: “Green + green = black & blue!” (A green rider has no business starting a green horse)

I suppose the universe shall unfold as it should; meanwhile I’ve got to go to work & keep the wolves away from the gate for a few more days…

Just Hangin’ On

 I need to insert that ancient meme of the kitten hanging onto its rope “Friday’s Coming!”

I figuratively scratched my head when our Ferris City Manager mentioned “August 11th” concerning my Economic Development grant, since the city offices aren’t even OPEN on Fridays?!? But figured beggars can’t be choosers, I could keep juggling… However, Brooks emailed me a copy of their agreement Monday which stated he’d have it on the agenda for NEXT Monday (the 14th). No idea how soon after that I might actually receive these desperately needed funds. I could go talk to my CPA, I suppose, although I feel at this point she’d just be telling me what a fool I’ve been. No doubt she’ll curse me roundly when I pile tax info on her desk & she has to straighten this horrible mess out.

But hey, at least my husband didn’t curse when I told him I was too good at my volunteer task of putting a few trail miles on Annie - now Sam & Gayle want me to buy her! Now this juggling act might just work out, if Debbie takes Bo. I laughed aloud when she said she wanted him - full disclosure of his “two strikes” (cancer eye & colic surgery); I know she needed to discuss with her hubby so I haven’t heard anything back from her yet. Peran’s main concern is that the net number of ponies in the barn remains stable, all puns intended!

Of course I’d much rather speculate about horse futures than business futures, but for now I’ve got to get on to work. At least we’re busy unlike one of my young colleagues who is also struggling along:

“I'm a new practice owner, only been open 3 months. I know it takes time to build a client base. But I am so scared everyday. We've only been averaging about 2 cases per day. I have working capital from a bank loan, and I just see it slowly draining with each passing month. At this rate I'll be bankrupt before the new year. I'm not even paying myself anything. With overhead being what it is, I'm not going to last long.

Every spare moment I have is going into advertising and making content. We get hundreds of "clicks" but my phone is not ringing.

Owners, tell me it gets better. Tell me there's options. I can't fail. I can't afford to fail.“

Degrees of Endurance

 …perhaps if I keep on lowering the bar, it will soon be a mere curb to step over?!?

Ex & I stumbled upon endurance riding as “our” equine sport 33 yrs ago when we picked up a brochure at the feed store: “What Is Endurance Riding?” I might still have a copy of these old recruiting tools tucked away somewhere. The gold standard ride lengths for “endurance” are 50 miles & up (there are precious few 75-mile rides, although I’ve done one with Wynk - of course, that was 20 yrs ago! But the asperational endurance distance is the 100 mi-in-24-hrs event, which there again are growing fewer as our riding population ages. Nowadays Limited Distance (25-30 mi) riders far outnumber everyone else, and most rides now offer an “Intro” distance which is generally one 12-15 mi loop.

All the distances I’ve successfully completed over these past 2 yrs have been Intro rides - it seems I keep on lowering my standards, but between my long Covid symptoms, a bad back, & my bouncy boy Baraq while my smoother options Scarlotta & Moonie remain crippled, leaving me sidelined. This weekend was a different type of endurance event since I went to the trail ride at Shanghai Pierce Ranch. After minor internal debate, I took Bo who was also my mount at this event last year. 

Why would anyone schedule a trail event in August, the hottest month of the year? Fortunately the ranch is on the Colorado River, a lot of it is shaded and there’s usually a good breeze since we’re approximately 100 miles inland from the Texas Gulf Coast. We have an air-conditioned bunkhouse to sleep & socialize in. Cindy has managed her springtime endurance event for about 15 yrs; she calls the trail ride HER chance to relax & enjoy the ranch! I love this ranch too, even though my endurance record has been spotty here - probably batting about 0.400 here… invariably it’s usually too wet & marshy, or dry & hard as concrete.

I didn’t attend the trail ride in its early years because - seriously, a trail ride in August? But here lately I’ve made a habit of it because it is a lot of fun. This year I also convinced my friend Sam to come - my incentive was offering to ride the green mare he bought for his wife. Gayle is recovering from hip replacement surgery, so Annie has been idle for quite a while.

I rode Bo Saturday morning and Annie Saturday evening - she skittered out from under me when there was some unseen booger in the drainage ditch and I landed hard on my rump. No good deed goes unpunished! But I had also loaned Bo to a friend whose mare was crippled up - hell, she was crippled last year (navicular disease); she needs to retire her even though I know she loves her dearly. So I had to cowgirl up Sunday morning: between ibuprofen, some shark cartilage pills another lady gave me, and some of my Eastern-medicine herbs, I heaved myself into the saddle Sunday morning and Annie was a champ. So I guess you could say I replenished my street cred.

                                        Annie paired up nicely with Brandi’s little grey mare

                                                       Deb & Bo (she never spilled her beer!)

                                                               Bo & I Saturday morning

                                                               The mighty Colorado River

Self-Care and Other Oddities

 While it may seem very counter-intuitive to splurge on a facial when my bank accounts are cratering out, I was intrigued to see our cryotherapy place (Peran goes faithfully, myself intermittently) advertising a “Cryo-Facial”. They were offering an introductory special, so on a whim I booked myself one…

I’ve only had a handful of facial treatments in my lifetime; again it seems like a pointless indulgence to pay someone to massage creams & potions on my face when I could just do this myself? But I must admit it was nice to “have to” lie quietly on a padded table for an hour - and if the girl could’ve just pasted that cold probe between my brows, it felt really good!

The Before & After photos are startling - it undoubtedly smoothed out some wrinkles & partially unpacked the bags under my eyes.

                        The “glow” is from the infrared treatment applied afterwards

But we are now 9 days into this new phase of my mom’s existence, and all I can say is, it ain’t going well! Mom has now completely “flipped the script” (as I anticipated) to cast me as the villain in this drama: the evil conniving daughter who has ripped her out of her peaceful cottage to abandon her in this godforsaken place.

My mother has always decried nursing homes, although strangely enough she (seemingly) had no problem consigning my dad’s aunt to one when their own home-care experience failed. Backstory: my dad built their house 28 yrs ago in part to fulfill his promise to his aunt - bringing her to Dallas to live with them when she was no longer able to live independently. Aunt Mary Sue was wheelchair-bound at that point, incontinent & demanding. Mom became her primary caretaker for 3 yrs but finally insisted that AMS be moved to a facility. She stayed in DeSoto for another 3 yrs, until further deterioration required transfer to The Villages (which is why Mom chose it of her own accord when this assisted-living drama of mine commenced as my last surviving aunt lay on her deathbed).

ANYWAY, last week I escorted Mom to dinner each night - but she continues to “hide” in her room, skipping meals and avoiding hygiene (today’s dodge was asking me to return her to her cottage where she could bathe in that walk-in tub (the same one she bitched me out for “overfilling” when I gave her final ablutions there, the weekend before last)

I spoke to the nursing director yesterday who still seemed confused about the level of care I am requesting for mom - although I’ve made it abundantly clear that she needs assistance bathing & dressing?!? This is why I was dismayed when they took Mom to a different room 2 wks ago when they did her “assessment” - no doubt in my mind Mom denied the need for ANY assistance.

Lord give me strength! Bad daughter or not, I am going to sneak away to ride with friends this weekend.

Dementors

 I enjoyed reading the Harry Potter books, and although I hoped Zach would catch that Wizarding World fever, it didn’t quite click with him. (We did go to the first 5 movies together) I enjoyed “Potterworld” more as Harry matured, as the books & movies explored these themes of loss & betrayal even though in MY universe nothing will ever match Star Trek!

For some reason I’ve been watching The Sorcerer’s Stone (HP1) in installments these last few nights - it does drag on quite a bit, but the John Williams score is tremendous. (Music also figures prominently in Val’s universe) Anyway, if I continue to work my way through these films, I can contemplate how I may have gotten my mom into her new facility just in the nick of time…

I won’t go into great detail about The Sunday Drama, but I may owe the evening receptionist an apology. Mom told me the caretaker who responded to her after pushing her button for assistance chastised her, telling her to save the button for a real emergency?!? I called up there & gave the poor girl hell bcz “push this button when you need help” is exactly what one of the nursing staff instructed us to do last week!

(Yesterday of course being a Monday! I did not have a chance to go up there to talk to the nursing Director about coming up with a schedule for my mom. Simple stuff like being sure the reservoir on her coffee pot has water, turning on her TV (even I was having problems with it this weekend!?!), help walking the dog, and reminders to come out for meals)

But last night really drove the truth home through my thick skull: mom is exhibiting “sundowning” behavior; she started calling about 5 o’clock while I was still in the tumult of getting my afternoon appointments wrapped up so I couldn’t answer the phone. She called several more times and I reluctantly answered shortly before 6 PM…I got an earful as to how lonely she was in this facility with probably 60 other residents? But the kicker was when she then told me that people in the hallways were asking her why she was out and telling her she should go back to her room where she’d be safe.

I’ll definitely be talking to the Nursing Director today - I think the dementors have come home to roost. Poor Zach even commented “I feel so bad for YOU, Mom!”

With a projected high of 104° this Friday, I don’t think I will take mom out to the National Cemetery for my cousin’s memorial service. Surely family will understand - it’s more important for my mental health to get on down to my trail ride & I’ve got a lot to do to get ready for that!

We had a “too hot to ride” mini pool party last weekend - I took a basket of my mom’s old scarves to let anybody that wanted some to help themselves. Bobbie took the most (70-something and still riding!)