Drowning vs Waving

 These next few months are going to be “challenging”, shall we say? Absolutely nothing to do but keep moving forward - cringing in this recliner is counterproductive…

As Spock said: “I’ve been dead before“ - yep, plenty of difficult periods in my life but it’s as if this is the “uber-event”: bigger, scarier, even more ominous & threatening with my sub-optimal health. That towering tidal wave from “Interstellar” also looms in my mind - what could I have done to avoid this? I feel like the little Dutch boy with all my fingers and toes plugging holes in the dike!

For now I do what I can - robbing Peter to pay Paul (taking a disbursement from my retirement account, increasing my loan with the sharks), and applying for a small business grant from the city of Ferris. When I have a move-in date for our remodeled clinic, I can start marketing the mobile unit & the surgery trailer to generate some positive cash flow there.

Right now my mockingbird is singing his darling little heart out, and I need to get moving with my day. My mom fell in her bathroom yesterday morning - does not appear to be seriously injured but she is contemplating a move to the facility in Red Oak we had looked at but she considered “too expensive”. Another plate to spin/ball to juggle! But she couldn’t resist another dig at me - this place would be a little bit closer but “it isn’t as if you visit me much anyway!” There’s no point of me burdening my mother with my troubles but I’m doing the best I can - the whole purpose behind the assisted living facility was to relieve part of my burden.

https://giphy.com/gifs/interstellar-LQ5YHZhWZtTrO?utm_source=media-link&utm_medium=landing&utm_campaign=Media%20Links&utm_term=

One Quarter of a Century

 …ago today, I gave birth to my one & only (human) son. Still has me shaking my head in mild disbelief sometimes, since I had pledged myself to “Zero Population Growth” Way Back When I was a teenager.

My dad was also a big sci-fi fan, introducing me to Star Trek and authors like Asimov & Bradbury. Many dystopian tales of overpopulation, societal breakdown, “Omega Man”-type survivalist skills… Perhaps that scarred my sensitive lil’ soul? But (not that it would do any good to imagine otherwise) what’s done is done, it’s pointless to speculate What Might Have Been…

I’m sure I’ve laid out my dystopian childbirth story (physically no problems, thank goodness - it was all the emotional/spiritual/psychological warfare waged upon me by Ex & She Who Shall Not Be Named) somewhere in my cyber-journaling, so I’ll not waste any of this precious & beautiful day re-hashing any of it. Z & V made it safely to New Orleans yesterday, even as I was sitting on my hands to avoid harassing them by text - I did receive a couple of photos of Their First Big Road Trip!

I’ll satisfy myself by peeking at his location throughout the day - they’re still at their hotel this AM (I’ve sent my BD text) only a few blocks from the French Quarter. I hope they have an awesome weekend - and at 6:27 PM I will toast both of us! I’m proud of us both for “Never giving up - never surrendering!” (Ten points for the nerdy movie reference)

OMAD

 An acronym for One Meal A Day, which is a style of intermittent fasting that I (for the most part) have been unable to master… It takes pretty intensive planning to fit one’s daily nutritional requirements into a single meal, but this is the optimal method for health and longevity promoted by the Eastern-medicine guru I follow. I have ordered several of his herbal blends (which are quite pricey!); they are helpful but perhaps I have not achieved full expression of their benefits since I don’t adhere faithfully to his fasting protocols.

https://theinterstellarplan.com/

Gavin just developed a new “Lung Power” formula which I will purchase when I have a few extra coins in  my purse.

But yesterday I did adhere to OMAD, and what a meal it was! Z picked a “Traditional American cuisine” foo-foo restaurant near downtown Dallas for his BD meal - Town Hearth was quite the happening place. Z ordered their fanciful whole-fried lobster as our appetizer, and they “gave” us a bonus slice of chocolate cake since it was his BD (we also ordered crème brûlée & Mississippi Mud pie & shared all around the table - V’s dad & grandparents dined with us). I’m a little sad that my mom missed out on this experience but it would’ve been too late, too heavy of a meal, too crowded & noisy for her to enjoy herself.

I will try to get her out for a Sunday luncheon (6/18? We can celebrate my dad in absentia) since Z & V, as I type**, are driving to New Orleans for his BD weekend. I couldn’t figure out how to gift wrap those tires I put on his car for their big road trip - I didn’t want him to waste any time changing tires on the side of the interstate.

** Z grumbling to me this morning that V dragged him out too early - but it’s an 8-hr drive to NO, they need to get on down there so they can appreciate a few sights in daylight!

                                                             Yellow Submarine aquarium 

                                                             Giant gourami (??)

                                                      Extravagant fried-lobster which was quite savory

                                                          The Birthday assortment of desserts

Retrovision

 I’ve been stuck way way WAY down the rabbit hole, working my way through the original Star Trek movies (in backwards sequence: feeling the need to view STV/The Final Frontier initially, with its Deep Thoughts concerning personal grief & responsibility, coupled with the search for the Supreme Being**, then ST3 & 4) Of course I have my own DVD’s but I was watching on HBO Max, which was phasing ST out after May 31. I ran out of time to watch Number 1 (ST The Motion Picture) and ST6.

** and here you thought it was just a silly sci-fi soap opera! We Trekkies can discern the whole Meaning of Life from the perspective of the Star Trek universe… 

Not to mention Star Trek is a good distraction from problems so I don’t want to dwell on at the present time:

A.) Financial hemorrhage continues since I knew my contractor’s original estimate was tens of thousands of dollars underpriced. I’m no builder but I indirectly observed my dad, who built houses for the last 30 years of his working life. He saved M and I tens of thousands of dollars getting our farmhouse built. I spoke to the loan sharks today to line up another $40K which I hope will get most of it done. The Grand Scheme of course, is to flip the mobile unit & surgery trailer to pay off a large part of that debt when we are able to move into the main building. I never meant to get enmeshed in mortgage-type debt at this stage of my career but there’s no other way to manage.

B.) Of course this whole circus is predicated on my ability to keep on keepin’ on, which seems far from certain. “If only I felt better” which only reminds me of an old family saying: “People in hell want ice water” Still struggling through my workdays with not much left in the tank - collapsing in my recliner to rest & recuperate, trying to replenish myself to do it all over again the next day. I can hardly believe this nightmare started over a year ago, with the sale of my clinic the first week of April. What a fool I was, to think that I had been fairly compensated.

C.) Other intrusive thoughts disturb me as this is my son’s birth week: yes, I realize my baby’s getting ready to turn a quarter-century old (!!!), but nevertheless I miss the solace of his company. My bad for “spousifying” him, in the sense of relying so heavily on him for companionship during the pandemic. “All good things must come to an end”, I realize - I’ve got to step back & let him find his way in the world, otherwise I’ll just be hamstringing him. Z & V are planning to spend his BD weekend in New Orleans. I hope to buy them dinner Wednesday night.

But tonight I’m watching “Apocalypto” which is as awesome a survivalist tale as one could ever hope to see. Let me be more like Jaguar Paw & less like a spineless victim.

Cumulative Effects

 Apparently this new herbal tea’s effects are cumulative - I’ve been drinking it for about a week now & last night, my sleep score was back up to 84 (“Good”). I concur, pretty much a solid “B” - although I think last night was also aided by the fact that I did not have to set an alarm this morning, that always helps take the pressure off. 

Yesterday morning with rain threatening, I went into town to check out a new yoga studio: a restorative class taught by a friend’s cousin. It was a very nice place, freshly refurbished near the busy hive of the Oak Lawn neighborhood. I went by the foo-foo prepared food market Eatzi’s to pick up a few tidbits afterwards - Got a couple of their premade meals which I hope my mom will LIKE and actually, you know, EAT! and not let rot in her refrigerator. I have pretty much given up taking over much food for her unless I’m actually placing it in front of her at mealtime - she has let so much go to waste, preferring to snack on cheese and crackers for evening “meal”. At least she gets a hot meal at lunchtime which Sonia picks up from the main building.

My mom and I both call ourselves “only children” - we were raised as such even though she had a half-brother and I had my half-sister whom I barely had a chance to know. Both of us were very close to some of our cousins: in my mom‘s case that would be Cousin Betty, who is five years younger than her. Mom and I are the outliers, being Catholic since most of the rest of the family has a strong fundamentalist Christian background. Anyway, it was a family scandal when Cousin Betty divorced her first husband in the 70’s for infidelity. They had two sons: Donny died at a young age due to complications from his drug addiction, Charley (a few years younger than me) became estranged from his mother in the messy aftermath of his divorce (another family scandal!) & moved away to Oklahoma.

I came across a Facebook post the other day - Charley has also died of some form of cancer. I broke the news to my mom but she has not even tried to call her cousin - they are also estranged since Cousin Betty remarried late in life. Her niece - my cousin Susanna - blogged about it. She tells the story so much better than I could:

https://whatiactuallymeanttosay.blogspot.com/2014/09/a-fairy-tale-60-years-in-making.html

Cousin Betty called me last night; I am ashamed that I had not called her myself. How do you even speak of such tragic losses?  Charley was a Marine (served during first Gulf War) and will be buried in our DFW National Cemetery, where my dad is interred. Hopefully I can get my mom to attend.

Yoga’s effects also are cumulative:  I was stiff and sore after yesterday‘s deep stretch restorative class. Hopefully I can find my way to a few more of Shana’s classes.

Trends

 What didn’t go well over my Memorial Day holiday was my sleep cycle; I did not sleep well during our campout and I continue to struggle. The Fitbit monitors sleep quality (don’t ask me how?) but I do notice a correlation between REM sleep and how rested I feel when I drag myself off the mattress in the morning.

Tuesday night I dosed myself with all the voodoo I could think of: CBD, melatonin, chamomile tea - & didn’t do too badly - I’d score my sleep as a “B”.

The secret seems to be a period of REM sleep that’s greater than or equal to 90 minutes

Last night I struggled to fall asleep as I was coughing up a lung - finally did the old Vicks Vapor Rub on chest & feet trick, still tossed & turned a lot.

According to the Fitbit, I only scored 38 minutes of REM sleep so no wonder I feel crappy! But my son will be amused by my “69” sleep score.

On to bigger and better things today - hopefully this dude will text me back about a couple of ball pythons he was interested in…

San Angelo Photo Dump

 

                                                                 N Concho Trailhead

                                                This shot by Susie may be worth framing

                                            Susie was grateful we found this water trough

         So were our ponies, of course - at this point we’d been out for about 5 hrs/15 miles

Those indistinct impressions in the riverbed are the dinosaur tracks - I’m glad we found ‘em. Makes my current financial juggling act seem minor in the big scheme of things… I must keep moving forward, hopefully in a few more months this will all seem like an anxiety dream!

I thought about analyzing my sleep data - I did NOT achieve the restful sleep I usually enjoy in horse camp, no doubt it is All The Things piling up on me, yet here I am hauling off for recreational pursuits.

I was surprised in my brief research to see that San Angelo State Park opened in 1995 - the “ghost camp”sections were not maintained. Of course 1995 is almost 30 years ago - that’s adequate time for many things to fall into disrepair. 

https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/lower-ghost-camp

There are a few others who have claimed paranormal activity in this area -  maybe that’s why I didn’t sleep too well??