This dual meaning popped into my head as I prepared to start typing (Val’s amateur therapy session). Each morning, I am generally able to take about a half hour to skim social media, glance at email (which piles up like an electronically-overstuffed closet - eek!) and gather my thoughts for the day…
I probably allowed my son to play for too many video games as a youngster: research accumulating now is demonstrating how damaging excessive screen time is when kids should be out doing normal socialization and playing outdoors. (Insert meme about my generation being “raised different” - we were sent outside and told to come home when it got dark) At any rate, I tried to participate by playing some games with Zach and just serving as an audience for others. “Fallout”, an apocalyptic video game series about civilization after nuclear catastrophe was one of his big favorites. Now they’ve made a TV mini-series of course - Z’s been nagging me to watch it. I’m pleasantly surprised by how engaging it is!
At any rate, a large part of my life these days seems to consist of regret over how I should’ve done such & so better: less screen time, more homecooked meals, and worst of all, how I should never have taken M back to court to even out the child support - since I’m convinced that is what triggered our final, apocalyptic custody battle (speaking of tragedies). John perked up his ears last weekend as we sat at the ride meeting - Khristin was announcing Friday ride results & called out Sue Jaffe - I told him that yes, she’d managed to back M into a corner/got him to marry her after John remembers all too well M’s fervent declarations early on that “he’d never remarry!” At least M has dropped out of endurance riding…
I wish I could remember John’s exact phrasing, but he made a comment about Michael’s immense talents and capabilities being negated by his toxicity. Well said cousin!
And now I’ve got to get on with my workday; time waits for no Aggie veterinarian!
Shoulda, woulda, coulda. I am who I am today despite and because of the choices and mistakes I made. I feel like I'm the best me I can be now. “We get old too soon and smart too late.” (attributed to PA Dutch) oft quoted by my mother. Take it all and go forward from here.
ReplyDeleteAmen to Janet's comment. I sometimes drift down that road, but try not to stay there, because exactly: without the adversity, and the goof-ups, we wouldn't be the amazing people we are today. We LEARNED. And somehow, our children learn their own life lessons their own way. My son learned some a lot faster than I did, thank goodness!
ReplyDeleteWhat Janet said. She's cool and so am I and so are you and everyone else here who responds. I'm guilty of the video game babysitter if there is any truth to this which I seriously doubt. I spent my son's childhood working overtime and Benny was often Mr. Mom as his good job went north to Canada so the T.V. Video games were our son's baby sitter. Benny admits it. The opposite of me as a child. I ran outside willingly to escape from my mom at the crack of dawn and had to practically be dragged home at dark. Dad would whistle. I didn't dare go home during the day as my mom would notice that I was filthy, my hair was a mess, my dress torn (prior to most girls being allowed to wear pants and shorts), my shoes scuffed, and, when I was really small, I would pee my fancy panties and dumped them in the alley. Still Mom insisted, for a long time, on my wearing a dress as I was a "lady" - not a snowball chance in Hades is that true - but she tried. I admit I was female. Not prissy like mom. Not into scratchy clothes and bonnets. Our mixed dog, probably along the lines of bulldog/Boston terrier, was with me always as she was my true mother for all of her 14 years. She protected me like I was Fort Knox full of bullion. She was smarter than most of the adults I encountered. Allowed me to dress her up in bonnets and doll clothes, put her in my doll buggy and visit the neighbors where I would ask them if they had seen my "Baby". So I became known as the scruffy little girl with the bull dog baby. I didn't die from missing meals or drinking out of the hose. Didn't get molested. I recall that the only thing that could keep me inside was Barbie - supposedly a terrible role model for little girls with her gigantic hooters and tiny waist. I tried SuperMario maybe once and played Wizards and Warriors one time for my son and he still talks about me doing it. We did get our son outdoors when we could but he still loves video games. I still love the outdoors. And dogs. In case you actually believe that video games destroyed our sons, can you imagine if Zack had been the only boy in his class not to have a T.V., a NES, SNES, Playstation, etc.? We knew some of these kids and they were considered freaks and weirdos. Untouchables. If our kids aren't perfect, we aren't either. They have chosen their own faults just like we have ours. Ian may have played Grand Theft Auto but I don't think so. He's not out stealing cars and killing prostitutes that I know of if he did.
ReplyDeleteHeh heh - yeah, I know my overall mothering score is “above average”; hopefully I’ll get Extra Credit for trying my best!
DeleteI, too, was out the door as fast as I could change into my jeans or jean shorts & a T-shirt (my mom found out early on it was a losing battle to try to dress me up “girly”). I tortured & mutilated my Barbie dolls, but cherished my extensive collection of plastic animals (especially my dinosaurs). My dad kept the living-animal collection tamped down as I was limited to 1 dog, 1 cat, the occasional exotic (parakeet, tortoise, rabbit), and later, the chickens (my beloved grandfather raised fancy poultry so when he died, we took in his small flock)
Val
I am giving you extra credit. I recall torturing my Barbies some too. I wonder what is up with THAT! I would have loved a dinosaur collection. My mom would have never gone for that. My female cousin and I had to hide to play with her brother's green army men. I'm sure there are family members that still think that is why she was gay. LOL. I never had more than one dog or cat at a time but dad did have bird dogs. Not mine to play with. Dad would have allowed me to have exotics but mom would not. I love fancy poultry. You lucky dog!! LOL.
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