Consent

 I love that old Ann Landers quote: “No one can take advantage of you without your consent!” Of course that is, for the most part, entirely true - but for those of us who were raised up to be consummate people pleasers, it can be a little more difficult.

If nothing else, I can say I have an eclectic assortment of friends, most of whom are not consciously trying to take advantage of me! But when my friend Debbie texted me last week to ask if I could host a friend of hers (coming up to DFW from the coast to adopt a puppy so hey, that’s Val’s sphere of influence!), it left me scratching my head. I told her we didn’t have a guest BR anymore (which is the truth since P’s been sleeping upstairs) but she would be welcome to sleep in the living quarters of my horse trailer…

So I did a quick-clean of my trailer, trying to make it look like a tiny AirBnB, and Kathy arrived with her horse in tow Friday night. (Karen & I already had plans to ride Saturday so I told Kathy she was welcome to tag along) It all worked out well - Kathy was a low-maintenance guest, we had a nice ride Saturday afternoon, she gathered her puppy Sun morning and headed on back to Jamaica Beach.

(Hopefully I can snag some of my friends’ pictures later)

Then last night as I scrolled Twitter to distract myself from a heartbreaking Cowboy loss, I came across this profound thread - can I ever relate! I’ve felt as though I’ve tip-toed around, trying to be All Things to All People my entire life…

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Dr. Nicole LePera

Follow @Theholisticpsyc

   

Oct 15 • 10 tweets • 2 min read

Being raised by emotionally immature parents sets us up for a lifetime of believing our role is to perform, achieve, or be responsible for other people’s emotions.

HERE’S WHY🧵: 

Emotionally immature parents (EIP) lack the ability to self reflect, understand their emotions, & tend to be solely focused on how things impact them.

Because of their low self worth, their children can become an extension of themselves. 

Their children’s accomplishments full their own emotional voids. Children learn to achieve or perform for their parents love and approval.

EIP also have a hard time with different opinions. They tend to be highly opinionated and disagreement is a threat. 

Their black & white thinking creates household beliefs that things are “good” or “bad” and there’s little room for self discovery— or any version of independence.

Everyone must feel and think the same things. 

Children learn their parent is emotionally reactive, defensive, or shut down. So, healthy communication isn’t taught within the home. 

This creates an environment where people walk on eggshells— living in fear of not saying or doing the “wrong” thing. 

At the same time, there is a lack of boundaries. Everyone is involved with everyone’s issues. Triangulation is common where siblings or different family members are pitted against each other.

Many EIP thrive off of being the “control” center of family drama. 

It’s the only way they know how to feel connection. 

Adult children of EIP can feel deeply confused. Their family feels “close,” but under the surface is a lack of safety, no boundaries, & no true emotional connection. 

They know that their parent won’t ask what they feel, what they think, or get to know them as a unique human being that they are.

Instead, they’re there to meet the emotional needs of a parent. 

They come to believe they are responsible for how people feel. 

Many adult children of EIP feel like their role is to “service” their parent: be at their home whenever asked, navigate their crisis or issues, confirm what good parents they are, or achieve to make the family “look” good to outsiders. 

Appearance is key for EIP— it’s more important to look good to others than it is to actually feel good.

Adult children learn to play the a role. And in the process they don’t develop a sense of self— just a false sense of self a parent approved of