Beholden

 An uplifting post from one of my colleagues in my single-mom vet group has me feeling even more depressed… she has continued remodeling her house & farm, concentrating on herself and raising her young men instead of trying to jump back in the dating scene or holding unending resentment against her ex, who, in typical fashion, is enthralled with his new honey & ignores his sons. (My first attorney really thought my ex would fade off the scene also, instead of weaponizing the custody struggle against me. I always seem to get that special case scenario!)

At any rate, wallowing in my own regrets is counterproductive - I can’t change the past. Tish is absolutely right - I need Peran right now, so now is not the time to instigate any upheaval in our relationship. While I don’t like the fact that he’s turned into “the man of stone”, at least he’s HERE, helping me with the critters, doing some mowing & maintenance work around the farm. It ain’t much but it’s all I’ve got.

Tomorrow I go back to Texas Oncology for my overdue scans, and a couple weeks after that I’ll have a follow-up with my new physician to see if she has any grand schemes for diagnosis and treatment of my long Covid symptoms… The Moderna booster she talked me into exacerbated my pericarditis (even though I don’t have an official diagnosis - my stress echocardiogram was normal -  everything falls in line with this) As far as I can tell, the only cure is tincture of time - I’ve more or less given up on my Chinese herbal concoctions. However,  I did order another enzymatic supplement and some ginkgo biloba. I’m tired of waddling around feeling like a bloated walrus, but my G.I. symptoms seem to be improving (I’m taking another probiotic formula) I know I would be best served by cutting out all the refined sugar but I’ll fight you for these minor pleasures.

Another workday towers before me like that ominous tidal wave from “Interstellar “.

This is long and rambling.. but bear with me

I got off FB over a year ago because my divorce lawyer made me sign I would..

I really didn’t miss it at all other than feeling a bit isolated.

No one texts/ calls/ or bothers to check on anyone anymore. I’m guilty too. I felt SO alone and isolated.

I got back on here to see my ex ( we were married 21 years) saying he was in a relationship 6 months after divorce final.. with ALL the family and friends congratulating him!! For being in a f’ing relationship for a month?? So are they congratulating him for being rid of me?

Not one of our ‘church’ family( I was a member 21 years and never missed many Sunday’s..) checked on me. Not once!! Not even the pastor who knew what happened.

I lost faith in people, in my faith, in everything other than our profession and my sons.

I also learned my neighbor around the corner shot herself 2 weeks ago. They were in a divorce. She was an Army veteran and dental hygienist. Her kids same age as mine ( 16 and 18). I cried ugly. That could have been me.

Now I’m left with the house we built 20 years ago. He goes off to a new life, new house, new woman. He’s dictating to his sons when they can come over..( ie don’t bother him while he shacks up with new woman)

I felt all the rage swell up in me.

Then realized that rage was slowly killing me.

I had to forgive and let go.

I searched for podcasts to listen to on long drive to work.. and found an amazing one!!

I’m still learning to forgive.

And the gifts and gratitudes in all this are:

I get to stay in an amazing house where my boys were babies. And I’ll treasure those memories.

I have a new job I love!

I’m renovating my house exactly how I want it!!! Oh the freedom!!

I’m out of a crap marriage and I can’t wait to find someone who will truly love.. ME!

I learned to drive a tractor and bush hog my land!

I was on live TV and lived to tell the tale!!

I took my boys to see Def Leppard, Joan Jett, and Motley Crue ! So fun!!

I dug and built this walkway all by myself

I choose hope, joy, and gratitude. And I’m sorry for all the months/ years wasted wallowing in the pit of self pity.

I mourn my neighbor. I hope I always remember her and reach out to those hurting.

I’m thankful for this group as I learn to be single again after 22 years.

Here are pics of my in the process renovation and my precious sons.

Divorce has been the hardest thing I’ve gone through.

Here’s hope to anyone not feeling it right now

There’s light ahead!!