End of the Trail

 Clarice has been exhibiting “sundowning” behavior - where she gets worse in the evenings, but (marginally) brightens up each morning. But last night when she refused to eat, I recognize her last steps are before her. She had finally gotten comfortable in the recliner, so I left her there last night instead of taking her to bed with me. At 4:30 AM, my bladder had me up & Clarice had disappeared? I finally found her after about 3 laps around the house - she had wandered up into the foyer & wedged herself beside the iguana habitat. I took her to bed with me, startled myself awake shortly after 6 AM when I thought she had fallen out of bed - she had not, just moved over to stretch out comatose on the opposite side of the bed. I wearily reset my alarm for 7:30, thinking I could grab another’s hour’s nap - but went ahead & got up shortly before 7:00…

Izzy had her patellar surgery yesterday & I would like her to see her sissy one last time - hopefully Clarice will keep breathing until I am able to go pick her up. Then we will have another small invalid to nurse - of course the difference being that we expect Izzy to make a complete uncomplicated recovery at a little over 1 year of age! I called Zach last night to give him one more warning (I had called him Saturday when Clarice was also doing poorly); he was fixing a late dinner with the girlfriend. He has been shopping for RINGS (I will give him my old ones which ain’t much but hopefully can be traded in - a little sooner than what I had planned, my baby’s only 24! but this mom will plead the case for a Long Engagement) Weird thing is, his father was 24 when he proposed to me - we got married much too soon; 6 mos later he was 25 & I was 21.

The freight train keeps rollin’ - closing on workshop property this Friday; need to notify architect & workmen (secure fencing is first priority), also line up water tank & go by tax office to get Bertha properly licensed & registered. It is either refreshing or horrifying that Misti & I drove an unmarked RV all the way back from FL without a single inquiry by any law enforcement officers - I really expected to be stopped at least once?!?

NRE vs ORE

 I’m always learning some new terminology, hanging out on social media with some of my younger colleagues!

“NRE” = New Relationship Energy

(My young friend was describing the ecstatic phase of a new relationship when ya can’t keep your hands off each other - yes I remember that stage well, even though it’s like a fond distant memory now)

Old Relationship Energy these days seems to consist of P doing his dead-level best to avoid all contact with me - he was gone when I got home last night about 6:30, showed up briefly just as my Star Trek was coming on (I joked: “Hurry, honey - you’re just in time!” - shall we just say that P is NOT a Star Trek fan!), then left again to take care of some volunteer fire dept business… He reappeared about 8:30, fixed his dinner & isolated himself in the kitchen…

When I reached around him to hug him from behind (it was lonely without Miss Izzy, he had taken her up to the surgery center for her knee surgery this AM), I could feel him cringing away from me - but as usual I was too tired & stressed to make an issue of it. At 3 AM in desperation I took a quarter of a Xanax - I had dozed off briefly but my racing mind had reawakened me shortly before midnight. This translates into a foggy head this morning but I had to get a little bit of sleep.

Clarice‘s blood work has improved - her pancreatic numbers have returned to normal as have her kidney function values; however, she still shows significant inflammation so I put her on a new antibiotic yesterday. She’s eating well but this morning she vomited right after she got up - we’ve obviously still got a sluggish GI tract. I would like to think her mentation is somewhat improved, although she still qualifies as a zombie dog. On we go - as I mentioned, I’m not undertaking any heroics at this stage, just good supportive care. I took her skin sutures out yesterday which she did not appreciate in the least.

Quick photo dump:

No this is not one of my patients (restaurant prop)

We got one brief stroll on the beach between raindrops

Small private beach at our hotel

Crossing the Mighty Mississippi River

Misti piloted Big Bertha very well (I drove the first part & the last part, she drove the middle)

 

Que Sera, Sera

 I hospitalized Clarice on IV fluids & antibiotics last week (Mon - Thurs) in one last-ditch effort to support her through post-op pancreatitis with impaired kidney function (her WBC count was 32K, creat 3.1 for any of those interested in “cold hard numbers”) - not necessarily disastrous, but very serious in my Ancient One!

She perked up quite a bit (although normal mentation has never returned), Kristy took fabulous care of her while Misti & I completed our mission of retrieving our new “home base”, the mobile unit, from Pensacola. Unfortunately it drizzled rain on us from the moment we landed, so we had a nice meal, then hung out in our hotel room, resting up for the big push home Thursday. Travel was uneventful (Big Bertha actually handles quite nicely) & we pulled into Red Oak shortly before 9 PM (a little over 12 hrs on the road). Clarice declined again after IV support withdrawn - I really thought I was losing her Saturday night but she’s still breathing this AM. She will still eat if hand-fed, but I’ll recheck her bloodwork today to help me with my decision. I know the time for heroics is past, I’m not going to turn her into a Zombie Dog experiment.

This next series of obstacles looms before me like a steeplechase as we work through our last couple of weeks of appointments before shutting down operations in Red Oak & packing up for our transit to Ferris. We should be closing on Ferris property on Wednesday (have I heard anything more from the ambitious city planners of Ferris? That would be “No”!**); I need to put my architect & construction crew on alert so we can start ASAP (improved fencing first), then line up WATER (I’ve spoken to a company that supplies water to construction sites - we should be able to have our own little supply tank while I fight things out with the city to try to get city water to the property).

I had to block Alex after several weeks of increasing drama for my own sanity - the lifeline is withdrawn & Romeo & Juliet are going to have to figure things out, I’ve got enough to deal with in my own backyard. Someone tried to hack my debit card Friday (WalMart in Bentonville AR?) so I had to cancel it - I can work off clinic MC while they issue me a new one… Zach needs to sort out his fall semester expenses (he should still be able to draw tuition from his college fund, but we seem to go round & round about this every time he registers), and when we are able to talk face-to-face we need to have a serious conversation about downsizing his collection. He’s GOT to concentrate on schoolwork as he enters what I hope is his final push to get that bachelor’s degree.

                   Still eating!

**if by some miracle we do work out a deal on this Ferris property? it would be great to have it strictly from the standpoint of the nice barns and pens, some of which could be converted to dog kennels since we don’t have a great percentage of our practice as large animal work. But I don’t have any more time to wait I have to have a place to park and work!

The Struggle is Real

 Clarice is struggling to live, I’m struggling to survive this trial-by-fire of clinic relocation with my sanity intact (more or less), Peran has trekked to CO to “find himself”, lose those last 20 lbs or whatever, & Zach starts the fall semester of what I hope will be the final push to achieve his bachelor’s degree by next summer…

I put Clarice on my own surgery table Friday afternoon in sheer desperation, removing a 2-cm pancreatic tumor and ignoring the little speckles which I’m afraid may have been metastases… Her mentation is not normal, she has no appetite and I should’ve brought home more anti-nausea medication. As my friend & colleague is fond of saying, that’s why they call it “practice”!

Misti and I are flying to Pensacola bright & early Wednesday morning to spend what I hope is one glorious day on the beach before driving the mobile unit home on Thursday. I have to decide whether to burden another one of my staff members with Clarice’s care - I could also hospitalize her at the ER or take her back to the diagnostic clinic, although I’m not too thrilled with them at the moment. Dr R was off Friday, I couldn’t seem to get the ball rolling, which is why I did her surgery myself (now as to whether it was “done right”, we’ll see how it goes). In my present mood I am leaning towards taking her to the ER - it isn’t like I want anything heroic, just medication administration, hand feeding and maybe some supplemental fluids. I’ve got to recheck her lab work today. I already signed a DNR at the diagnostic clinic.

I’ve already gotten three calls from my boy this morning as he gets ready to start life as a commuter student again - he got the day started off right at the gym, calling me at 6:15 to ask “Wassup?” I replied “Not me!” but I reluctantly rolled out at 6:30…

We’ve had instant relief from our drought with heavy thunderstorms rolling in last night. I wish I had gotten before & after pictures of our pond - it was critically low yesterday, this morning it’s brimming full! Zach says no one seems to know how to drive in the rain, surface streets in Mesquite are flooded.

A humorous riff on “Jesus guiding the surgeon’s hands”

Peran sent me a few pictures from his expedition 

A Man of Action

 As I type this, my “man of action”** is probably having his breakfast before he continues his expedition to Denver for this mysterious health-related seminar. He has suffered a mild regain, which as we all know is not uncommon in your weight loss/self-improvement efforts. I peeked at his last weigh-in sheet from the supplement store, which showed he had regained about 12 pounds 3 wks ago - watching him walk around the house these days, I think it’s probably pushing 20 pounds now. Of course that’s not the end of the world, but I can tell how much he hates it - he has buckled down on salad consumption and don’t even ask about a splurge at a restaurant! He will still occasionally go to the custom pizza place in town where he can get a cauliflower crust pizza…

** in this endless death-by-1000-cuts relocation scheme, I could call the first major step the disassembling and reassembling of a metal run-in shed that was in the backyard of the clinic. There was no point in me leaving it for the wrecking ball - our own modest shed (built by ex almost 30 yrs ago) got blown over a couple of years ago…

The guys got it up just in the nick of time as we had long-awaited rain Wednesday night to break our horrendous drought - we let the ponies have the run of the property while they were working and Tuesday night one of our neighbors texted to say a couple of the horses had gotten out on the road. I had just showered off but Peran dashed out to start rounding them up - when I griped at him for not answering his phone (I was trying to coordinate this roundup) he made the quip about being a "man of action". It made me snort and diffused the tension - of course it’s always scary when livestock gets out & I freely admit my patience is thin these days!

Clarice continues her slow decline as I play phone tag with the surgery center - if I can’t get a definitive answer today I’m gonna put her on my own table, damn the torpedoes!

I can’t give up on such a voracious appetite and will to live

Izzy is helping with the "intensive care" (she knows Mommy is upset)

It may not look like much from here, but this is awesome shade for the ponies

 in our drought-ravaged pasture

Meanwhile, the extent of Mom's "self-care" is taking Z for some back-to-school shopping

at NorthPark Mall; we have hiked many a mile down these corridors!

I did splurge on a pair of Doc Martens for myself, I hope they prove to be comfortable on my ol' crooked toes. I'm glad to see Z tackling the new semester with renewed enthusiasm (no he didn't pass Calculus last spring, but "the 3rd time's the charm"!

Photographic Evidence

 

                                       Clarice visits Norma's Cafe, a Dallas institution for "down home cookin'"

                  Our latest HS volunteer intern went back to school but brought us all coffee mugs w/Hershey's kisses (you know how I complain that wholesome dietary efforts are so often for naught around here??) I don't know if these sentiments are true, but I do appreciate the chocolate!

Kitchen area of "office trailer"

Better than a porta-pottie

Decisions, Decisions

 Yesterday was an even longer day than usual, since I was up at 5:30 AM to take Clarice for her evaluation at the Animal Diagnostic Clinic. Of course I had to drop her off to get on with my workday so I didn’t get to meet the illustrious Dr R (internal medicine specialist) but she sounded, shall we say “young” on the phone… The full scans have yet to be interpreted (they go to a radiologist, one of the benefits of dealing with the specialty center), but there does appear to be a nodule in Clarice‘s pancreas - I can pat myself on the back that my diagnostic sense still seems to be functional. Understandably, Dr R is concerned with Clarice‘s long-term heart condition and probable pulmonary hypertension, so she suggests medical management & possibly chemotherapy to slow things down - but I intend to talk to one of the surgeons today. They should know I would have no hard feelings if they attempt surgery and Clarice dies before, during, or in the aftermath of this procedure. I know she has discomfort because she has these restless spells in the middle of the night - neither of us are sleeping well.

I may put her on my own surgery table if no one is feeling bold - better that she die while I am attempting to do something than for me to watch her struggle. She was stressed out by our separation yesterday - we went to a cafe across the road to celebrate, the very nice waitress let me smuggle her in in her little dog bed (at 100° at 7 o’clock in the evening, it was still way too hot for her to wait in the car). Needless to say she earned herself a generous tip!

Next week I have to go pick up the mobile unit, which might be the perfect opportunity to have Clarice hospitalized for surgery? I have booked the movers the week of September 19, ordered a shipping container which I will use for temporary storage, and I am first on the list with the x-ray service company so they can pack up my unit and put it in temporary storage…

I mailed the nice young man a check for the “tiny home” trailer which will be our employee lounge/restroom  so I will probably go pick that up this weekend. He is quite the entrepreneur building these tiny trailer homes from the ground up - I’ll post some pictures when I can transfer from my phone, the never-ending challenge!

Of course I’ve written this entire post without a Star Trek reference, but that’s not counting the soundtrack running in my head!

Malaise vs Malice

I can’t decide which is foremost - I called my mom “as always” yesterday morning to check on her (Sat afternoon I heard her forlorn report that she couldn’t get either TV to work for her, this has also been an ongoing problem - again, I don’t know if she truly can’t understand which buttons to push, or she’s putting this on as another example of How Much She Hates Assisted Living?) I did not drop everything & rush over there since I was helping Z install insulation in his storage shed - we can put in a window unit & move the rodents out there. This was hot, miserable work - poor Z got overheated & we had to quit when he started vomiting, Mommy made an emergency run for Gatorade!

But I told her Sunday morning I was going to the gym, I’d be by afterwards. I did not specifically say “Let’s go to brunch” but that is what I had planned…

I arrived to find her slumped in her housecoat, “not hungry” bcz she had eaten one of those crappy WalMart mini pies. I once again demonstrated how to turn the living room TV on (“Input” must be selected to get channels via the antenna; it’s been WAY too complicated to teach her to use the Spectrum service!) & I found the broadcast of church services that she likes. Mom enjoys seeing the different churches (each week the Diocese of Dallas broadcasts from a different church) as she reminisces about clergy & staff she has known. Both my cousin & I have offered to take her to church which she refuses.

After a while, I was getting hungrier (Gym time, remember? Go me!), and while Mom still declined going to the cafe, she rode with me to go through fast-food drive-thru & get BF sandwiches (our secondary routine). Whaddaya know, when we got home she sat down & ate almost every single bite! (She sneaks a few tidbits to her little dog despite my pleas not to upset Abby’s stomach) Go figure 🤦‍♀️

It’s enough to drive one to drink!

Juggling

 Even though the burden of guilt has been quite heavy, I have done my best to distance myself from my mother recently, physically & emotionally as I work through my own health issues & concentrate my limited energies on the implacable, inevitable relocation of my clinic.

I had not visited her in 10 days - I was honestly surprised at how chipper she sounded yesterday morning during my check-in call: during most of my recent calls you could almost taste her disappointment & dejection oozing through the phone…

Mom will reminisce about family history anecdotes, which of course is fine but only serves to delineate some of the dysfunctional aspects of their relationship sometimes. Mom was always pathologically jealous, which had some basis in fact - as she and dad separated for a while before I was born because dad had cheated on her.

Mom was 26, which would’ve made Dad 28 (!!!) - Dad’s “wingman” came by to take mom out for a cup of coffee and offer his services in a gentlemanly fashion since he knew she had “needs” 😳

She just as graciously declined - she & Dad reconciled soon after but she never told him about this so-called friend.

At one point I heard yowling which I presumed was a cat - but unfortunately it was my mom‘s neighbor from across the street who had tipped over the curb in her upright walker. I don’t think she broke anything, but cut & scraped herself up pretty badly & was taken by the paramedics to the ER.

I had run out to her, but looked up at one point to see that my mom had tottered out onto the sidewalk - “Mom where’s your walker? I don’t want to be scraping you off the pavement too!”

I went in for overdue MRI and CT imaging yesterday morning - nothing horrible was seen at first glance & my oncologist basically said “see you next year”. I left Texas Oncology and immediate pivoted from “patient” to “Uber Eats delivery driver” - I picked up food to take by my mom’s and then to my son, somewhat dejected myself that I couldn’t rope in anyone to meet me for lunch at one of those nice Las Colinas restaurants.



Beholden

 An uplifting post from one of my colleagues in my single-mom vet group has me feeling even more depressed… she has continued remodeling her house & farm, concentrating on herself and raising her young men instead of trying to jump back in the dating scene or holding unending resentment against her ex, who, in typical fashion, is enthralled with his new honey & ignores his sons. (My first attorney really thought my ex would fade off the scene also, instead of weaponizing the custody struggle against me. I always seem to get that special case scenario!)

At any rate, wallowing in my own regrets is counterproductive - I can’t change the past. Tish is absolutely right - I need Peran right now, so now is not the time to instigate any upheaval in our relationship. While I don’t like the fact that he’s turned into “the man of stone”, at least he’s HERE, helping me with the critters, doing some mowing & maintenance work around the farm. It ain’t much but it’s all I’ve got.

Tomorrow I go back to Texas Oncology for my overdue scans, and a couple weeks after that I’ll have a follow-up with my new physician to see if she has any grand schemes for diagnosis and treatment of my long Covid symptoms… The Moderna booster she talked me into exacerbated my pericarditis (even though I don’t have an official diagnosis - my stress echocardiogram was normal -  everything falls in line with this) As far as I can tell, the only cure is tincture of time - I’ve more or less given up on my Chinese herbal concoctions. However,  I did order another enzymatic supplement and some ginkgo biloba. I’m tired of waddling around feeling like a bloated walrus, but my G.I. symptoms seem to be improving (I’m taking another probiotic formula) I know I would be best served by cutting out all the refined sugar but I’ll fight you for these minor pleasures.

Another workday towers before me like that ominous tidal wave from “Interstellar “.

This is long and rambling.. but bear with me

I got off FB over a year ago because my divorce lawyer made me sign I would..

I really didn’t miss it at all other than feeling a bit isolated.

No one texts/ calls/ or bothers to check on anyone anymore. I’m guilty too. I felt SO alone and isolated.

I got back on here to see my ex ( we were married 21 years) saying he was in a relationship 6 months after divorce final.. with ALL the family and friends congratulating him!! For being in a f’ing relationship for a month?? So are they congratulating him for being rid of me?

Not one of our ‘church’ family( I was a member 21 years and never missed many Sunday’s..) checked on me. Not once!! Not even the pastor who knew what happened.

I lost faith in people, in my faith, in everything other than our profession and my sons.

I also learned my neighbor around the corner shot herself 2 weeks ago. They were in a divorce. She was an Army veteran and dental hygienist. Her kids same age as mine ( 16 and 18). I cried ugly. That could have been me.

Now I’m left with the house we built 20 years ago. He goes off to a new life, new house, new woman. He’s dictating to his sons when they can come over..( ie don’t bother him while he shacks up with new woman)

I felt all the rage swell up in me.

Then realized that rage was slowly killing me.

I had to forgive and let go.

I searched for podcasts to listen to on long drive to work.. and found an amazing one!!

I’m still learning to forgive.

And the gifts and gratitudes in all this are:

I get to stay in an amazing house where my boys were babies. And I’ll treasure those memories.

I have a new job I love!

I’m renovating my house exactly how I want it!!! Oh the freedom!!

I’m out of a crap marriage and I can’t wait to find someone who will truly love.. ME!

I learned to drive a tractor and bush hog my land!

I was on live TV and lived to tell the tale!!

I took my boys to see Def Leppard, Joan Jett, and Motley Crue ! So fun!!

I dug and built this walkway all by myself

I choose hope, joy, and gratitude. And I’m sorry for all the months/ years wasted wallowing in the pit of self pity.

I mourn my neighbor. I hope I always remember her and reach out to those hurting.

I’m thankful for this group as I learn to be single again after 22 years.

Here are pics of my in the process renovation and my precious sons.

Divorce has been the hardest thing I’ve gone through.

Here’s hope to anyone not feeling it right now

There’s light ahead!!

Just Pix

 

                    An amazingly artistic shot of Cindy’s granddaughter (taken by Pedro)

                                                         Striding out Saturday morning

           I’ve reversed the images of us crossing the creek, but they took too long to download!

Many Moving Parts

 My life feels like one of those intricate interconnected “busywork” machines - a lot of plates to keep spinning, or bowling pins to juggle!

In an ironic case of the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing, TXDoT is bringing increasing pressure to bear to get me out of my clinic, way before the verbal agreement I had with the engineering firm which was October 30th. I just emailed the attorney who helped me broker this final deal, but who was not present when we actually signed off on the paperwork - it seems so simple and straightforward, neither one of us thought he was needed! But now I understand why some people get in a frenzy to sue-sue-sue! I would like to sue them for mental distress, for breach of contract, for lost income, you name it…

I’m picking up the mobile unit August 24, but the surgical trailer won’t be ready until the end of September (and that’s presuming everything stays on schedule). I plan to strip out all usable items from the clinic, probably buying one of those shipping containers to use as temporary storage. In typical bureaucratic fashion, the city of Ferris is dragging its heels, so I think I will have to zero in on the workshop property which will need a water source. For the short term I will need a safe and secure place to park the mobile unit & surgery trailer - I may ask for special dispensation to park it off the town square in Ferris so people can find me easier and hopefully won’t have to worry about vandalism.

An all-too-brief but welcome distraction was going to the trail ride last weekend - Mr. Bo performed like a champ outside of a minor problem with being caught when I turned him out in a pen. “3 for 3” - 3 good rides, zero accidents. I was reminded there’s no escape from life‘s problems when one of my roommates was receiving frantic calls from her mother Saturday night about her 86-year-old father, who needs to go on hospice care. I really felt for her, but there was no point to her pulling up stakes & charging home Sat night. She stayed and rode with us Sunday morning -  it turned out she had a blowout on one of her trailer tires on her way home, so it’s a good thing she was not hauling in the middle of the night - these things are  awful enough in broad daylight. 

Bitter Dregs

 … as I learn something new every day! The world has suffered a couple more significant losses: Bill Russell, the great basketball player and Nichelle Nichols, Lieutenant Uhura of Star Trek fame. This week the television station is airing a tribute of the best episodes featuring Uhura: last night it was “Plato’s Stepchildren”, which is on many fans’ lists as one of the worst episodes. Yes it’s cheesy but it has many (in my opinion) touching and heartfelt moments - it happens to be one of my faves and not just for the momentous interracial kiss between Kirk & Uhura.

I never knew until I just looked up the lyrics that the song sung by Spock was actually written by Leonard Nimoy himself and is titled “Maiden Wine”, not “Bitter Dregs”… 

Take care, young ladies, and value your wine

Be watchful of young men in their velvet prime

Deeply they'll swallow from your finest kegs

Then swiftly be gone, leaving bitter dregs

Ahh-ah-ah-ah, bitter dregs

With smiling words and tender touch

Man offers little and asks for so much

He loves in the breathless excitement of night

Then leaves with your treasure in cold morning light

Ahh-ah-ah-ah, in cold morning light

The gigantic dirty snowball rolling downhill from the avalanche of my life continues to bear down upon me, but regardless of all I OUGHT to be doing, I’m going to go to the trail ride this weekend which is not for any points or mileage - just a fun social event at the Shanghai Pierce Ranch near Houston. I have not completed a single endurance event this season, but there is hope as I manufacture the final timeline for shutdown of my Red Oak location: there will be a short pause in operations so I can catch a breather and go to a couple of fall rides. I just have to fine-tune this calendar.

We have blocked off appointments after September 1 - & will probably schedule needed things for sick patients & the like the first two weeks of September, but then I believe we will  metaphorically hang up our “Gone Fishing” sign (for me of course that’s “Gone Riding”!) and take a brief sabbatical as we relocate and hopefully rejuvenate… I cannot see myself continuing to “go hard in the paint” like this for any length of time unless I get to feeling better - It is just NOT WORTH IT! My husband’s gonna have to step up, my son’s gonna have to do the same, and my dear mother needs to get off my back. 

One More Reason Not To Delete FB

 God is not a belief-system.

Jesus is not a religion.

The good news is not a ticket to Heaven.

Church is not an address.

The Bible is not divine dictation. 

Heaven is not eternal Disneyland.

Community is not a meeting.

Ministry is not a program.

Questioning authority is not ungodly.

Woman is not inferior to man.

Being human is not a curse.

Hell is not real. 

Divorce is not the unpardonable sin.

Sinner is not our identity.

Salvation is not eternal fire insurance.

Conformity is not discipleship.

Sexuality is not filthy.

Tithing is not giving to God.

Pastors are not divinely anointed. 

Prayer is not a magic wand.

Theology is not synonymous with truth. 

Loving the earth is not satanic.

Self-actualization is not self-worship.

Faith is not a substitute for critical thinking.

The heart is not wicked.

Self-denial is not holiness.

Jim Palmer

Mired in the Bog

  “Alliteration”: fog, bog as I struggle on

Last night in desperation I took a quarter of a Xanax to quell my anxieties, but then watched the ceiling fan slowly spin to a stop as we suffered a power outage. Our hard-working AC had gotten the house cooled down to about 79 degrees - with ceiling fans churning that’s tolerable, and this held until about 1 AM until the day’s baking heat started to penetrate. Thankfully our power was restored sometime between 2-3 AM, but the damage had been done - another night’s sleep wrecked.

I dragged myself off the mattress a few minutes before 7 AM with a low-grade headache - I’ll finish off my coffee & then I can take some Tylenol & get on with my day. “Answers, we’ve got ‘em” - as lab work indicates that my poor Clarice may have a pancreatic tumor, kind of the last thing I was expecting! At almost 18 years old I was thinking liver or kidneys failing, maybe even a brain tumor?

So now I must decide if this is the kind of tricky surgery I want to try my hand at, or simply pass her over to the surgery center? Until I get this headache under control I can’t think straight - but I do know I can’t give up on a dog who still trying to live, she is eating like a champ!

When I was walking over to the couch to sit down and talk to my husband last night, the rambunctious puppy hit my arm so I threw a glass of tea on him which was fitting, somehow! So after we cleaned up and mopped up (he actually went to shower off because his lap was drenched), we didn’t get to talk about any personal issues, just the logistics of animal care - P is taking Izzy to the surgery center August 12th so she can have the best possible outcome for her knee surgery - I just don’t have that specialized equipment.

Onwards Thru the Fog

 Obviously Zyrtec is a(nother) No Go - my head is a huge foggy balloon this morning; I’m sipping my coffee like the antidote caffeine is for a lot of life’s problems, but I HATE this feeling!

I have tried several antihistamines which are purported to be helpful with long Covid symptoms, but none seem especially efficacious - famotidine at least doesn’t leave me terribly groggy; thank God I only took half a tablet! The last one I’ll try will be chlorpheniramine but I’ll save it for the weekend, not as much of a rush to peel my body off the mattress. Dreams = good**, but this groggy head full o’ mush feeling = horrible!

** and the dreams that I remember were disturbing - some sort of sexually-themed encounter in a return to vet school. At least it featured DH, but another prototypical Val dream of frustration since we couldn’t find any privacy. I was very grateful that I still seemed capable of inspiring P’s lust - I suppose this is residue from the fact that I ALMOST started a conversation with him last night, but once again chickened out… IRL I smooched around on him a bit Saturday afternoon, to which he had ZERO response - hey, at least he didn’t duck or push me away, but he didn’t even lift his hand. My husband, the automaton.

I was also distracted last night by the fact my poor Clarice seems to be in precipitous decline. While she ate a decent portion of her food last night, she kept her rear feet splayed out as she’s having a lot of trouble keeping her balance - P reported having to rescue her twice as she wandered off into the laundry room & got herself stuck behind the door and then stuck beside the washing machine. She couldn’t get comfortable in mommy’s lap last night with an intermittent whine, but settled down when we went to bed. She’ll go to work with me today (as always), where I’ll run some lab work, maybe take an X-ray, but if I can’t keep her comfortable I’ve got to let her go… Funny thing is, I just came across her former foster mom’s contact # in my phone, I almost sent her a photo to let her know my ol’ girl’s still kicking!

Life continues to rush at me hard - meeting my architect & the City of Ferris engineer Thursday morning to hike a  piece of land where THEY would like me to relocate. It may be the proverbial offer I can’t refuse - while I wasn’t really wanting to get into full-scale construction, if I can keep the cost down in a metal building (similar to my little horse-barn clinic now) it won’t be too bad. In the interim we can work out of the mobile unit at a reduced capacity. There is also an existing barn on the property which hopefully can be used for storage - of course I can always buy one of those shipping containers. So many moving parts!

I was working on quarterly unemployment taxes Friday night but I finally had to give up on because my brain just wasn’t working properly - I went by the clinic yesterday afternoon to finish this up where there would at least be peace & quiet. I quite definitely do NOT have the temperament for accounting! I got the federal reports done, but today between appointments I will file the state reports since they said they were due by or on August 1st - nothing like waiting till the last minute…