The 36-Hr Day

 ...borrowed shamelessly from the book of the same title - my days OUGHT to have 36 hrs; then I might feel as if I were making more forward progress on All The Things I Need to Do! The only reason I have a few free moments is because a surgery no-showed this AM...

Unhappy Equilibruim

Monday, August 19, 2013

I keep on going back & re-reading my dear SparkFriend Chelsea's encouraging words to me from the other day:

"Your X sounds like a miserable human being and one comfort you can have is that your son will be an adult someday and then, your X won't have the power, anymore, to control or frighten you or him."

Thanks again, Chelsea! And of course to all my SparkFriends who offer me love & support via the ephemeral medium of cyberspace... It means more than you can ever know.

The process server texted me this AM: he was on his way to M's office, did he know he was coming? I was somewhat taken aback - no, he did not! but I replied that I would once again "take the high road" & fired off a quick email to M.

No response (although I really wasn't expecting any). After a bit of a runaround ("early lunch", RIGHT!) he was served & I still have heard nothing. What I worry about the most is M taking it out on poor Z tonight - I feel like HE'S the one I need to warn! He may hate ol' Mom for disturbing his fragile equilibrium once again - but perhaps when he is a grown-up w/children of his own to protect, he might see it in his heart to understand.

(The process server had originally planned to give M the court papers last Fri, but I asked him to hold off to spare Z as best I could! It was like trying to hold an umbrella over him from afar, but at least I could sleep peacefully last weekend)

Quick Update

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Sorry, SparkFriends, I know it's been a while but I want to get in a short RIDE this AM so I'll stick to bullet points:

Court hearing was a WIN - Judge G will have a (private) audience w/Z next Fri (lucky 13) so I need everyone to maintain their positive thoughts & well-wishes a bit longer

We had a great time going out to the Grand Canyon - each of us got in 3 d riding & yes, I know I need to do my best to get some photos posted! (Bought myself a new camera last night although I know it's a little late!)

Basically I've maintained for month of August - more in-depth analysis later but there's a lot to be said for not roller-coastering up the scales (started to type "up & down" but of course we all love going DOWN - in my case it's the reflexive upswings after sudden losses that are so disheartening)... I will post final results for my Fat Dog Challenge on 9/18 even though there was a major meltdown: Allan took his blog private, I didn't get an invitation to his inner circle.

& speaking of blog drama, my ex brought a big stack of Xeroxed paper to the hearing: printouts from my Incurable blog which he tried to admit into evidence!** Felt like old times (he Xeroxed my old handwritten journal during original divorce/custody battle but was likewise denied the satisfaction of spreading my private thoughts in open court). Last night I also received a FB msg from his sister - surprise, surprise that they've had a falling out. Maybe the depths of M's pathology are finally becoming evident to her.

**got my hand slapped in a minor fashion by Judge G as he pontificated on the inadvisability of publicizing one's life through social media; I explained that Incurable blog had been taken down (it's still there, just hopefully hidden under different URL address that my ex can't easily find!) and I am ever so happy that THESE SP blog entries are PRIVATE!!!

Actually I have every intention of letting Z read my blogs WHEN HE'S OLD ENOUGH - there's nothing on Incurable but my own truths... That was my intention all along.
I should have spoken up & told the judge that - as well as how inappropriate it was for M to show em to our son at age 14. But Judge G was already segueing into his speech that we were not to speak disparagingly of one another to Z, nor coach him on his upcoming visit. I really was favorably impressed by Judge G, he seems to be a fair & reasonable man.

We'll see if I still feel that way after his ruling ;-) !!! Nah, after all of my friends who tried to prep me for a soft landing, I'm fully prepared to "lose" - at least I will feel as though I've done my best. Z & I will get through this... I just hope & pray he'll still be inclined to travel a bit w/his ol' Mom after he turns 18.

Yoga Grrrrrl

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I was severely demoralized after seeing ANOTHER damn set of unflattering ride photos of my lifelong dream, riding Grand Canyon country!

"oh look at the beautiful scenery, that spirited horse - but shade your eyes against that pale flabby toad occupying center stage!"

Sheesh... I know I should be KIND to myself (believe it or not, Pixie, I'm a big Geneen Roth fan!) - but all I could think was how hard I've worked for these meager results...

True, I've lost roughly 8% when current research grants accolades for taking off/KEEPING off 10%...I know it does no good to hobble myself considering how little progress I've made, how much farther I'd LIKE to go. As Yoda sez, Do or do Not, there is no "Try"!

But after a week of inactivity, I've made a commitment to daily yoga practice: Mon & Tues nights, I dusted off my DDP yoga DVD's & hit "Play". I need to make a stack of all my yoga discs & rotate through 'em. I hit Half Price Books last week & scored two books - Baron Baptiste & Bikram Choudbury (don't admire BC's nepotism & sexual harassment scandal, but see a lot of good in his system - NO, Bikram, you cannot COPYRIGHT yoga postures!).

Nothing in my schedule has lined up w/attending hot yoga classes, but I have high hopes for this weekend. I felt a little dumb sweating through last night's DVD as husband & son sat on couch & recliner "watching" (actually Hubs was reading, Z was playing computer game) - Z chastised me for emitting an unladylike bodily noise at one point but I told him to get down on the floor w/me or hush up!

Nevertheless I am committed to this path - BB's book is titled 40 Day Yoga transformation, so we'll see what happens!

Seventeen minutes Ten seconds

Sunday, September 15, 2013

...is how long Z spent back in Judge G's chambers last Fri afternoon .

We were the only supplicants there; I know nothing yet as to how this will all turn out.

While it's nice to imagine Judge G reviewing our long convoluted history & writing a neat legal judgment that sums it all up nicely, at least I recognize that is pure fantasy on my part... There will be no judgment rendered for those acts of domestic terrorism committed against myself or Z. Death threats most especially included - I suppose the statute of limitations has run out (14 + yrs).

I didn't want to press Z, so I don't know what was said or went unsaid. I wouldn't blame Z in the least if he told Judge G everything's fine, this is just a maternal vendetta - as he pleaded w/me last winter to drop the child support litigation: "We're fine Mom! I LIKE my life!"

As I've said before, no wonder that M intimidates Z - hell, he intimidated ME as a grown-a$$ woman; I couldn't imagine a toddler, a small child, a boy & now a young man left to M's "tender mercies"... But it's no use beating up on myself for what I failed to do - my old attorney was only following conventional wisdom, that the father's enthusiasm for "co-parenting" would fade w/time.
I've been revisiting The Liz Library (great resource for beleagured single moms); she asserts this great cultural experiment of joint custody is a failure, a damaging protocol for children who should live in ONE HOME... Splitting time renders these children as nomads, continually trekking between parental homes.
"Joint custody is not two homes, it's NO home" is a quotable quote.

I'll post a link to her website ASAP (blogging on this iPhone is problematic but the legendary proportions of current miscommunication w/current husband will have to be a subject for another post)

Head Meeting Desk

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

(Oh, you know, purely figuratively ya know!)

I couldn't stand it, I emailed my attorney yesterday who informed me that generally it takes Judge G about a week to issue his rulings... That won't be a moment too soon, since Z has to go to his dad's this weekend, we're already 6 wks into the school year (??!!??), and I really would like to get this Mon-night issue SETTLED one way or the other.

I post some excellent quotes from Liz's joint custody essay (by all means, please take the time to read the whole thing if you have time) - her website is an excellent resource.

www.thelizlibrary.org/si
te-index/site-index-frame.
html#soulwww.theliz
library.org/liz/index.html

"Those "good divorces" we sometimes hear about -- the ones in which divorced parents actually get along and work together (i.e. "coparenting" as it's trendy to say these days), tend to have certain things in common...
They are not egoistically focusing on themselves, and whether they are the centerpoint around which their child revolves...they understand that the child actually has a home with one or the other of them, and it is they, regardless of where they live, who are the satellites supporting that child's life and home.
Neither of them are focusing on what is "fair" to themselves, or their "parental rights," and they have stopped playing tug-of-war with the child. They are still on the same team, pulling together in the child's interests. It just so happens that one of the parents is resident in the child's home, while the other is still provisioning and supporting that home, but otherwise living adult life elsewhere.
Throughout time and place in history, long before divorce even was readily available, many married parents spent substantial amounts of time separated. Most of the time, the absent parent was the father, off to war, at sea, or on business. During these times, the children lived with one or the other of the parents. Not both.
If parents actually could achieve what they really and truly need to make joint custody work -- putting the children first above their love lives and another spouse, first above any personal opportunity that might come along, first with such commitment that they can make the sacrifices necessary to maintain a kind of fictional existence in which they still "co-parent", they might as well just remain married. What would be the reason to divorce?

Even those who have amicably divorced have done so because one of them has essentially flown the coop to pursue another career, another relationship, or another place. Most divorces are not amicable, however, but come about in connection with serious issues of breach of trust or abuse, and other problems substantial enough to break up a marriage.

... joint custody is a schizophrenic arrangement. It lacks stability and consistency; it's a situation unlikely to endure over the child's remaining childhood (requiring a second traumatic family upheaval, or "family transition"); and it fosters increased manipulation by (and insecurities in) the children.

Professor Mary Ann Mason writes in Equality Trap, Simon and Shuster, l988:

"There are many things wrong with this unthinking rush to joint custody, but the primary objection is that it changes the focus of custody away from the 'best interests of the child' to the best interests of the parents -- or, more precisely, to the best interests of the father."

Joint custody *increases*, not decreases, covert resentment and conflict, because it permits the parent who is not spending the day-to-day time raising the children and operating the household to exercise veto power over decisions made by the other , and if so inclined, to meddle and interfere, creating stalemate between the two parents, followed by power plays attempting to break it. Some of these "power plays" are the good parent/bad parent game, visitation conflicts, and withholding of support.
...regardless of commonality of values and interests and parenting style, persons who are not sharing the same household and a life are just not going to be consistent in the details. The cumulative effect of all the little things ultimately adds up and piles on top of the bigger things, such as that in joint custody, rather than having two homes, what the child actually has is no home.
It is ironic that the fathers' rightsters who complain about not wanting to be a "visitor" in their child's life, and therefore demand 50-50 joint custody, do not seem to recognize that their solution not only renders their child a continuous visitor shifting between two households, but also that the child then does not even have a home to which to return.

Judith Wallerstein, in Unexpected Legacy (A Twenty-Five Year Landmark Study, Hyperion 2000, p 181-2), notes:

"The children in this study whose lives were governed by court orders or mediated parental arrangements all told me that they felt like second-class citizens who had lost the freedoms their peers took for granted. They say that as they grew older and craved independence, they had even less say, less control over their schedules and less power to determine when and where they could spend their time -- especially precious vacation time."

"... the unwillingness to accept the fact of mothers' role in childrearing within the context of custody policy conforms to the popular gender neutral focus at the expense of reality... even if the ultimate goal is gender neutrality, the imposition of rules embodying such a view within the context of family law issues is disingenuous since the effect is to the detriment of those who have constructed their lives around 'genderized' roles."

Fineman, Martha and Anne Opie, "The Uses of Social Science Data in Legal Policymaking: Custody Determinations at Divorce," Wisconsin Law Review, Vol. 1987, Number 1.

I suggest the primary caretaker rule, which rewards past care and concern for children and minimizes the role and power of the helping professionals in custody decision making...The primary caretaker rule IS gender neutral on its face, and men can change their behavior if they want to have an opportunity to get custody. The rule values nurturing and caretaking and rewards it. This is appropriate."

Fineman, Martha, "The Politics of Custody and the Transformation of American Custody Decision Making" for the UC Davis Law Review (Spring 1989, Vol. 22, No. 3)

"...allegations of mistreatment, abuse, or neglect on the part of husbands toward either their wives or children are trivialized, masked, or lost amid the psychological rhetoric that reduces mothers' desires to have custody and control of their children to pathology.

We should be deeply skeptical of these views of women and mothers. They are not accurate and the visions they present are deeply misogynistic..."

Fineman, Martha, "Dominant Discourse, Professional Language, and Legal Change in Child Custody Decisionmaking," Harvard Law Review, Vol. 101, No, 4, February 1988.

As Wallerstein points out, the courts have often believed that awarding joint custody would force parents to put aside their anger and cooperate for the sake of the children. However, often, the opposite occurs. The children become either the weapons or the trophies in their parents' power struggle, or the unintended victims of their rage.

Wallerstein's study found that after ten and even fifteen years after divorce, close to half of the men and women had not given up the hopes and disappointments attached to their previous marriage. Half of the women and one third of the men felt intensely angry with their former spouse ten years after the divorce."

(especially when Ex continues to wield custodial time as a blunt weapon)

Reset

Monday, September 23, 2013

This past weekend I've been profoundly LAZY; spent most of my time trying to repay my sleep deficit or otherwise lounging around!

(You would think that meant that I returned to work this AM w/renewed vim & vigor; however, that would mean you are MISTAKEN...)

All I seem to be able to do is check my appointments off one by one, counting down until Wednesday - I'll be heading down to San Antonio for the state veterinary conference on Thursday.

Perhaps I will be lucky enough to find a seminars on dealing w/difficult clients, juggling the needs of work & family (sandwiched between teenager, aging parents, husband who knows not to push his luck!), squeezing fitness/self-care** into a tight schedule... (I did sign up for Sat-PM yoga - no thanks on those daybreak sessions!)

**I pruned back my hideous fungoid big toenail - a major overhaul! My mare stepped on my foot about 16 yrs ago, pivoted & twisted the big toenail off my L foot... I Band-aided it, completed my ride, & nearly made my riding buddy throw up when I peeled off bloody sock & ripped off the toenail. It grew back as a gnarled, nasty fungoid mess. Hopefully by keeping it soaked in antifungal meds I can help it grow back in a more normal configuration. (I never go for pedicures because I'm ashamed of my Jeckyll & Hyde feet)

What a pitiful excuse for a blog post - many interruptions later, better just put it out there if I want to get back on track w/a gym visit today! (I haven't decided whether I'm going to shell out that $100 for my Dallas White Rock half-marathon. Despite that extra child support - or perhaps bcz of the false sense of security that provides?!? - I continue to push my finances to the limit each month... I really should sock that $100 in savings, but there's no reason I can't TRAIN for the half!)

Not Waving But Drowning

Thursday, September 26, 2013

...Currently I'm scratching my head & thanking God I'm not a lawyer...Judge G issued an indecipherable ruling - my lawyer is "translating" w/aid of his sr partner. Instead of simply answering my proposal of eliminating Mon night visitation for a 15 yr old "thumbs up"or "down", the judge forged off in an entirely new direction - no, the Mon night nonsense stands, but now I'll be allowed to select "my" weekends (no change in the munificent "TWO" that I've had all along) & present this to M by 8 PM on the last Sun of each month...

Anyway, seems to me this will add unnecessary stress & aggravation bcz I'm sure M will give Z a hard time if I select a weekend for which he already had plans...
The only upside is, w/TWO weekends per month, I'll gain a weekend in Nov & Mar that I would have only had ONE, due to vagaries of school schedule...

But the headache contemplating this new legal tangle is better than looking over the abyss that separates me from my husband. Our communication gap is epic; this weekend (tonight actually) I'll be heading down to San Antonio for state veterinary conference. Oct 1st will be our 11th wedding anniversary. When I teasingly suggested combining business & pleasure by having P meet me on the Riverwalk, he told me bluntly he had "no interest". Alrighty then.

Last night I snuggled up to him (it's been a LONG time if you know what I mean), and while he didn't turn his back, there was no response, so after a few minutes' chat, I returned to my side of the bed. I don't have the time or the energy for a big heart-to-heart; doing all I can just to keep my head above water.

Continuing Education

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

(only time for a few bullet points)

It was a great veterinary conference last weekend - saw some old friends, brushed up on the latest developments, fired up my enthusiasm for this best of all possible careers! Downside: poor dietary choices, poor sleep (funny thing is, I slept the best on my 1st night in SA, when I arrived shortly before 1 AM & knocked off about 5.5 hrs' sleep before getting up bright n' early to make the 1st morning session! On subsequent nights, I tossed & turned restlessly) - caused me to return feeling like the Pillsbury Dough-boy, awkward & bloated...

My very nice hotel room had a full-length mirror on the closet door - a chance to stop & take stock! Other than the bloated, flabby abdomen, the rest of the picture wasn't too bad: I still have nice legs, upper body shaping up slowly. I made it by the hotel gym only once - watched a young man pounding the TM & then doing some free-weight exercises out of the corner of my eye as I knocked out a mile... Just enough to break a sweat, then I had to get back to the conference.

Came home, screwed my courage to the sticking-place, made a small overture towards Hubby w/some success... (Today is our 11th anniv so we had dinner out last night - tonight Z has late dismissal from FB practice so that would make things too awkward) Guess I'll never for the life of me understand MEN.

Decided NOT to fork over that $100 entry fee for the Dallas White Rock half-marathon, but nothing stops me from TRAINING for it... Last week I was a mile short according to the Runner's World app I use as a training program, but cut myself slack for all the hiking around I did getting around the conference. Yesterday I knocked out the requisite 2 mi - restarting nice n' slow while I see how my ol' flat feet hold up!

I'm going to take that $100 instead & invest in genetic testing - I've been reading interesting reports about 23andme!

www.23andme.com/
health/

For once & for all, I may be able to answer those nagging questions that will allow me to fine-tune my diet a little more:
A.) Gluten sensitivity?
B.) Lactose intolerance? (doubtful)
as well as determining other genetic markers about my metabolism & heritage...

What can I say? I'm just a science nerd at heart!

Today I'm trying to stay one step ahead of the nagging headache of "detox": a protein shake for breakfast, lots of water...

My Losing Season

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

(...is pun-tastic: drawing parallels between my poor showing in the AERC standings this year, contrasted against my moderate success in the ongoing weight loss struggles - I should end this year down 10%, which after all these years in which my weight has crept slowly & steadily up, up, & UP will be something to celebrate!)

I unfolded myself stiffly from the car this AM; 2 hrs behind the wheel is TOO MUCH when all I've done is loop back & forth across town (letting Z sleep in a little so I drove him into school, but then I was trapped on the "wrong" side of the river, snarled in rush-hour traffic) - UGH! I'd much rather have put some mileage down on the open highway so I could actually have some progress to show for it!

This weekend I'll have my chance to prove just that as I head down to the City of Houston for my overdue checkup at MDA... My attitude was so poor, my schedule so overloaded last winter when I was looking down the barrel of hearings & court dates, facing down M over the child support nonsense - that I just couldn't face it; I canceled my MDA appointments in Dec (routine stuff: bloodwork, ultrasound scans, high-fives w/my endocrinologist). Springtime wasn't a good time either, w/my high hopes for the Ozark Trail - a few more months couldn't hurt, especially since I was actually making good progress in the physical fitness/weight loss arena! Then last summer, our schedules were completely out of whack when I was unwilling to shorten or sacrifice my trips to New Mexico & the Grand Canyon...

So here we have it - the month of OCTOBER already?!?!? I have no particular worries, as I expect the usual "stable numbers, pat on the hand, see ya next year" routine...

And as far as my ride season goes, I should thank my lucky stars that, through much trial & error, the Baraquinator has turned into a formidable distance horse - but as with my beloved Wynkhy, I can't take any particular credit for his athletic prowess! Most of what I've done has consisted of NOT pushing him too hard into an injury... His awesome genetics and a long slow distance base have culminated in this lil' fire-breathing dragon of mine - he's been unstoppable, I'VE been the weak link. Thanks to my "rider option" wimp-outs (Mt Pleasant, Bandera, Ozark Trail) early on, I'll finish up this ride season with an even less impressive 200 mi "real" endurance/130 mi Limited Distance total than last season's 350 mi...

At some point I need to get Scarlett & Moonshine going, & it'd be nice to squeeze in the occasional "pleasure ride" on the sweet mule (since Z shows no inclination of riding w/me at any point in the near future), but I'll cast my eyes forward to the 2014 season for that.

Full Martyr Jacket

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

All I had time for last week was a brief status-update about my mom driving me crazy... Those dull thumps you might have heard reverberating was me beating my head against the closest immovable object - my desk, doorframe, or wall - WHY do I keep making the SAME mistakes over & over & OVER again?!?!?

Both in my personal relationships (husband, mother - if I'm doing anything "right" at least I am getting on well w/my son these days!) and my behavior... There is something in me that sabotages stability & success time after time after time.

With 6 wks left in my competitive riding season (not that I've been the least bit "competitive" this year w/my multiple rider-option quitting episodes), I should have been back in Onederland by now - buying some more "skinny jeans", moving back down into large-size scrubs - but instead I continue ratcheting back & forth on the fulcrum between Middleweight & Heavyweight. I made a solemn vow to myself to purge my closet of all clothing that DID NOT FIT - that included the "fattest" clothes as well as the few pieces I've hung onto over the years, still hoping to reduce into 'em...

I keep on procrastinating on that chore. It's as if I can continue to deny reality.

My insomnia has been awful; as tired as I am, I dread going to bed where the miserable cycle of napping & awakening can begin anew... Last night in desperation, I took 1/2 a sleeping tablet which as always leaves me grumpy & hung-over this AM. I carefully rearranged the dog last night, snuggled up next to hubby - while he seemed perfectly happy to snuggle & chat a bit, that's as far as it went. I had already told him I'd taken my sleeping pill but was not so desperate or so blunt to tell him the ball was in his court.

Oh well I guess my body needed the sleep worse...I wish I could recall the blog link I came across: a middle-aged perimenopausal woman like myself who related how when she fixed her sleep, everything else fell into place (dietary habits, weight loss, energy levels...) Sounds divine.

Samsara

 Maybe I'm just doomed to repeat these cycles, over and over and over again, until the voices wake me and I drown...

Coming up Short...

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

...Hard to believe the dreaded month of July is almost over! I used to absolutely LOVE summertime but now to me it signals loss of contact w/my son - another 5 wks of his childhood carved away.

I have lost great bleeding chunks of my son's childhood - while this could serve as a valuable lesson to me, a mirror into my Control Freak tendencies (oh yes I freely confess to these traits ;-) - I don't think my anxiety & fear is unfounded. Z has suffered many injuries, major & minor, throughout the years that he's been entrusted to his father's (& of course when he was younger, She Who Shall Not Be Named) "tender mercies":
Age 2: 2nd degree burns to soles of feet (walking into hot tar on driveway; M initially tried to blame "hot concrete" around pool but finally confessed... Damn lucky that Z wandered onto driveway instead of back towards unfenced pool, where he might have DROWNED!)
Age 3: deep laceration to inner R thigh on barbed wire fence; should have been sutured but was not - left an ugly 2.5" scar
Age 8: lacerated spleen sustained in a fall; spent 5 d in hosp & narrowly avoided surgery - I would have never forgiven M if Z had lost his spleen (ah well, not that I've forgiven him now - he never expressed remorse or apologized TO HIS SON; I could have strangled him w/my bare hands every time he expressed amazement that Z was so badly hurt by a fall "in the dirt"!)
Age 11: Z came home lame w/fluid on his L knee; he was injured playing tackle football w/neighborhood boys but M, in his infinite medical wisdom (!!!) didn't think it was serious enough to warrant a Dr's visit. Final diagnosis: severe sprain, but we had some tricky moments when orthopedic specialist was concerned about growth plate damage.

And in between, there have been numerous episodes of sunburn, blisters on Z's hands when M expected him to do lawn work without protective gloves... bruises & abrasions from rough-housing w/his stepbrother... I know it's normal for kids to beat themselves up - I went around w/permanently skinned knees from about age 6 - 10 from my stunt work on bike! But I feel so helpless when I am deliberately left out of the loop...

Good times, huh? I should be easy w/myself for stalling out in this month - I should count it as Forward Progress that I did not REGAIN in my typical yo-yo fashion. Looks like I will come up 137 min short in my 800-monthly-minutes fitness goal... I printed out a sample training program since I would love to tackle another half marathon. It will give me something productive to do w/my time rather than fret!!!

The Month of August - Start Anew

Saturday, August 03, 2013

Yesterday I raced over to my attorney's office over lunchtime to sign off on the TRO he will file to modify visitation; hopefully eliminating the Mon-night disruption to give Z a better opportunity to excel in his studies...

Maybe it's just me, but it seems ludicrous to in essence offer Z educational opportunities w/one hand (I envision those luscious grapes dangling just out of reach), while cutting him off at the knees w/the other... I can't recall if I mentioned my unproductive visits w/Z's guidance counselor last year; she sat there blankly as I begged for "guidance" - apparently there are NO other families sending their children to prep school while juggling weeknight visitation. I tried "playing nice"; sending M an email - let me just indulge myself by reposting:

(Wed 7/31)
Hey M:

I just got the big box of Zach's textbooks for the upcoming school year... I was so excited when I thought BL was going all-electronic, but unfortunately it seems that old-fashioned hardcover texts will still be required for several of Z's courses (I ordered the e-book whenever it was an option).

Then I look at Z's report card - while I know perfectly well that a 3.5 GPA (half A's & half B's, although I'm not sure how much that FOOTBALL grade should be weighted ;-) is very good, I can't help but think that Z could do better. I spoke to Z's guidance counselor (who quite frankly wasn't very helpful) on a couple of occasions last year, but consider that eliminating the weeknight visitation might be less disruptive to Z's concentration on his studies... Despite all of our best efforts, last year textbooks, assignments, permission slips, and many other assorted things were left behind. I'm sure Z will do better as he grows in age & maturity, but why undermine his success? BL is a big investment, and there are no other families doing this long-distance shuffle on a weeknight.

I'd like to know your thoughts if you have any better ideas.

Sincerely,

Val

& his reply:

"Valerie,

We will have to agree to disagree on why Z's grades dropped this last year. It has nothing to do with my visitation. This past school year he spent a substantial portion of my visitation periods catching up on and completing homework assignments that he did not work on while with you. This included the final community service project which he spent half of one of my weekends completing, at the very last minute. I am very committed to Z's success in high school. When he is with me, I make sure he completes any outstanding school assignments before he moves on to chilling. If you want to help Z be more successful in school, I would encourage you to take a similar approach. We need to be his parents not his buddies."

It was truly amazing; some of my emails can sit ignored for days or weeks on end, but this one he replied to w/in 15 min!!! Ha, a$$hole can still make me smile** for all the WRONG reasons - he never changes, that's for sure...

**a grim, mirthless smile

I know M will blow a gasket - imagine the impertinence of this woman, trying to strip him of "HIS" precious time w/his son - if for once he could envision his son as an independent human being instead of "the human football" - but I feel I have no choice. It's another year until Z can drive (friends have consulted me that once Z can drive HIMSELF, if he refuses to go to his dad's I can shrug my shoulders at M's demands), and I don't want his sophomore year to blur by like last year... I had such big plans for us both - I was going to improve my fitness, we could explore some of the opportunities in The Big City - but instead the daily grind seemed to eat it all up; all I perfected was the fine art of napping in my car.

But THIS weekend we're going to have FUN - picked Z up last night & we drove to the Panhandle; tonight we'll see the "Texas" musical in Palo Duro Canyon (my friend Karen's daughter is working it). A quick trip up & back tomorrow since Fall FB Camp fires up Mon AM!

www.texas-show.com/

Have a great weekend my SparkFriends & I'll try to make the next entry less b!tchy ;-)
(but as you note, Chelsea, it's quite therapeutic to type things out here)

Ain't Nuthin' but a Hound Dog

Saturday, August 10, 2013

...Didn't really want to see my baggy, dark-circled hound-dog eyes this AM, but I can no longer sleep in - these days, 7:30 feels like an indulgence!

I have NOT made a smooth transition back into the 6 AM football-practice routine :-(

For me this translates into a 4:15 alarm - I keep telling myself, at least it's only for the 2 wks of Fall FB Camp! As of 8/19, the JV schedule will shift to afternoon practices, so I can reset my alarm to the more civilized hour of 5:30...

Anyway, in keeping w/our hectic schedule, I told Z's coach we were skipping Fri & Sat practices to make one last race to the coast to visit my friends this weekend. Even though I feel my heart rate slowing as my body relaxes upon seeing those ocean waves, in the back of my mind I realize we must head home to "Real Life" manana...There's no getting away anyway - yesterday I fielded messages from my attorney & his process server as the latest legal drama unfolds. Just as well that we are hundreds of miles away when M gets his notification - my fears are not unfounded. While it's been 15 yrs since M threatened BOTH of our lives, I have neither forgiven nor forgotten - to me that just translates into self-preservation.

And now my friend is up, letting out the dogs - she's a good sounding board while Z has forged an unbreakable bond w/her husband... He needs all the positive male role models in his life that he can get, but I've apologized to him enough for my poor choice of sires.

Have a good rest of YOUR weekend, SparkFriends!

Bad Attitude Day

Monday, August 12, 2013

(I had a pretty good title in my head earlier, but lost it during the commute between my folks' house & work...)

It didn't help my sleep-deprived mood this morning when I logged onto work computer this AM & saw this story, top o' the heap:

usnews.nbcnews.com/_news
/2013/08/11/19978310-fathe
r-kills-son-9-and-himself-
at-new-hampshire-ywca-auth
orities-say#comments

Bad enough reading the story, even WORSE to read the comments: all of the wailing & gnashing of teeth over how this tragedy "could" have been prevented.
I wanted to scream in silent outrage - this has unfolded in much the same way as many other domestic violence events... The only "remedy" is for the woman to immediately make a police report when threats are made so that there is an "official" record - been there, done that! (when my divorce was mediated anything I had confided in my attorney about my ex's threatening behavior & homicidal "suggestions" were all dismissed as hearsay... All the guy has to do is hire a decent lawyer & hide behind him/her, claiming "b!tches be crazy"!)

Damn right I'm jumpy today - my ex will be served w/the notification of my TRO; I tried to give my boy fair warning since I wouldn't put it past the SOB to call him pitching a tirade about it. He was dejected: "Dad will just get ANOTHER day!" but I explained that if the judge upholds the order, no he will NOT.

All I want is for my boy to finally be able to speak his mind in an audience w/the family court judge; of course he may dismiss us w/his own "b!tches be crazy" ruling...

Funny what you come across w/a simple Google search:

www.nowfoundation.org/is
sues/family/

"...mothers trying to protect their children from abusive fathers who aggressively litigate against them, using family court to stalk, harass, punish, and impoverish their former partners and children."

You might well say this no longer applies to ME - my ex gave up fairly quickly after he drained all our joint bank accounts & tried to push me off the farm (he thought I would tuck my tail & run home to my parents) - but he HAS "impoverished" me by depriving me of YEARS of my son's childhood... Sorry if I sound vengeful, but I only have 3 more short years w/my boy before he turns 18 & heads off to college, entering adult life - I really would like to optimize that limited time together.

(I didn't even bring up the subject of this latest round of litigation w/my old friend J last weekend - she already thinks I coddle Z too much. Easy target for the childless person! "If you want more time w/him, just make him give up football!")

Wishin' Don't Make it So

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

These days, I feel like the vortex of soul-sucking black news - I know a lot of it (like Mon's tragic murder-suicide) being completely unrelated to me & my petty concerns...

Still, it hit fairly close to home when my friend emailed me yesterday:

www.connectamarillo.com/
news/story.aspx?id=933238#
.UguURazgxIA

The driver (Clint) was a friend of her daughter's (if you recall we raced up to experience this awesome show 12 d ago - obviously the entire cast & crew become a fairly close-knit "theatre family") - poor Sarah has been devastated. Her dad serves as treasurer of the Texas Panhandle Heritage Foundation; they were invited to this party but opted out - Sarah will be coming over for her 1st year at UNT next week.

Great minds think alike - when I walked into my parents' home this AM (K9 delivery ;-), my mom had the Dallas newspaper story on the table! We numbly paged through my theatre program, identifying their bright shiny faces: all incredibly young, 20 - 21 yrs old. The 30-yr old owner of the car, seated in the back seat, was the sole survivor (in critical condition).

I dropped my 15-yr old off for the 1st day of school today, questioning how I'll keep him safe. Still waiting for news from my attorney so I know which direction our lives will take in the near future... Certainly long-range predictions are pointless! I'm angry at myself for wasting all of this precious time - my life feels completely unmanageable but all I can control are these small segments that pass in front of me: my next crosstown trip, my next meal, my next appointment, next stop by the gym. Let's make the most of it, shall we???

Born Day Fasting

 I had all the best intentions - then "life got in the way". (Had to go pick up my truck over lunchtime, so I bought Misti & her daughter lunch as small compensation for taxicab service... Perhaps someone else with an ironclad will could have abstained while they ate, but I'm sorry, that would be damned peculiar!)

Maybe next week - since it looks like I'll be holding down the proverbial fort through the end of September - fingers crossed for Dr M's return.

Stalling Out...

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I'm chomping at the bit to finish packing my trailer & HIT THE OPEN ROAD... I have so well EARNED this vacation!

My head almost exploded when I walked in Mon AM to encounter... NO DR G !!!
A double-booked schedule and a full slate of surgeries - fortunately it was not "just me", my receptionist was of the same understanding - she thought Dr G would be back this week after her shoulder surgery on 7/02...

Toni called her, and thankfully she was able to come in Mon PM and half the day Tues to oversee appts (she can't do much of anything w/R hand for next 5 - 6 wks; she was wearing a sling Mon but came in Tues "unsupported" after her PT session). Therefore I have most of the hair remaining on my head!

My trainer put me through a grueling session of core work yesterday - I'm stiff & sore from the nape of my neck to my ankles... And Mon night I managed to complete an entire Spinning video session, leaving a sizable puddle of sweat on the gym floor. Such things are great for stress relief, not so much for weight control.

But I'll be heading back to NM roughly 20 lbs lighter than what I was LAST summer; let's see if anyone notices! Well I know my pony will appreciate it if nothing else ;-)

(I went ahead & made my Payment for Justice**; my attorney is going to try to schedule Z's audience w/family court judge in the narrow window of time I'll have him back between 8/05 - 14, when school starts up again! I'd desperately like to have something settled by then.
**when I've mentioned this latest chapter in the ongoing legal drama, several friends/family members have expressed incredulity that Z has no legal standing in regards to the visitation schedule, especially considering his teenaged, almost-adult status. So I've taken to making mild jokes about being able to pay for "justice"... more about that later!)

The Pounding Continues

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

...otherwise known as "Escapism is Futile"!!!

I went to NM and.....................NOBODY NOTICED my weight loss. Which was somewhat disappointing. As I look back over blog entries, perhaps I'm only 15 lbs lighter - I'll try to scan in a couple of photos, last year's vs this year's, to let everyone judge for themselves.

Overall the differences may be subtle, but I FELT so MUCH BETTER this year. And my lil' greyhound of a pony could tell too - he finished each of his days as if it had been a stroll around the block. In the end, it rained on us Mon so I didn't take him out under those potentially treacherous conditions, and then I wasn't going to expect green, underconditioned Miss Scarlett to tackle 35 mi of tough high desert trails. I packed it up & came home Thurs - good thing I did since my mom ignored a bladder infection & almost put herself in the hospital. She'd been running a fever all week "but didn't want to bother me"!?! Oh my!

In the Blink of an Eye...

Friday, July 26, 2013

...everything can go to sh!t...

I was leaning over to reach something in the back seat of my truck, standing on my L leg, when my knee joint hyperextended. The pain was incredible, the joint buckled, and I almost fell but caught myself w/R leg, spitting and cursing.

So for the rest of this week, I've been limping around, relying on generous doses of "Vitamin I" (ibuprofen) and a knee brace. My mood falls to subterranean levels fairly quickly when I don't get my minor endorphin boosts from a little bit of exercise. I did manage a yoga class last Sun (half of which was floor work) although of course I couldn't do any balancing postures on L leg. I tried 5 min on elliptical, then 5 min on TM the other day - it wasn't happening! So I sat in the gym grumpily, reading an issue of "Muscle & Fitness" - while looking at pictures of Hugh Jackman was nice, it didn't raise my heart rate high enough. 
(...& the same holds true for Peace Negotiations w/Hubby - nice & romantic but NOT aerobic!)

Today I've been able to leave off the knee brace, so I'm cautiously optimistic about going by the gym & maybe being able to spin the pedals of a stationary bike. Fasting to repent for yesterday's overindulgences, DON'T ASK! Stressed out from spending the day ferrying my dad to (routine) dr's appts, but they are recommending a stent for his R carotid artery. As good as this sounds in theory, in practice it will be tricky for an 84-yr old in fragile health (there's a risk that this procedure could trigger the stroke they are trying to prevent).

Deep breaths, Val, deep breaths. It would be nice to imagine a world in which I could sit holding hands w/a sympathetic husband, talking over such things - but I've already faded into the background again as far as hubby is concerned (some of the unkind things he said to me last weekend when we were having one of "Those Talks" still sting; I know The Truth Hurts & all that, but sometimes in the best interests of peace & tranquility, complete honesty is NOT the best policy!)

Brain Dump

Friday, July 26, 2013

Off & on throughout the day, I surf the Web: check my email, skim my cyber-friends' blogs, latch onto a multitude of True Facts... Some of it turns out to be useful but I know a lot of it is just cr@p, a useless waste of time.

I'm greatly encouraged by the fact that I was able to get in a quick, low-intensity session on the elliptical at lunchtime: I went in w/zero expectations, didn't even change into workout clothes in case my knee wouldn't cooperate! but eased through 20 min w/only a few minor twinges. This did wonders for my black black mood...



...since I didn't have access to a pile o' puppies! It's disheartening to feel as though you're stranded in that deep dark forest again, there's no way out.

Years ago, I likened the end of my first marriage to trying to scramble aboard a rowboat while my ex smashed my knuckles w/a paddle. I was desperately trying every strategy to "re-connect" while my ex was just as desperate to sever every tie between us (including the fact that we had a newborn SON together; one of his more heinous acts which I can neither forget nor forgive was trying to talk me into an abortion when I was 5, 6, and even 7 mos pregnant! Apparently that was the time frame during which Things Were Getting Serious w/She Who Shall Not Be Named)... How exceedingly weird it was that after spending the 1st 11 months of his son's life basically ignoring the both of us, a couple of mos after M moved out, he wanted a chance to prove himself The Best Single Dad of All Time - fighting initially for primary custody but failing that, leveraging the most generous joint custody/visitation agreement he could, courtesy of his Pit Bull of a lawyer... Forgive me for not believing in the purity of his motives.

Sorry, didn't mean to regress into Ancient History - all I meant to do was draw the parallel between Then & Now: one of my crimes as stated by M was that I didn't make our relationship a "priority"... I hadn't the foggiest clue as to what in the hell he meant; I was being the best wife I knew how to be, cooking & cleaning, working full-time, never refusing a sexual request...All of that turned out to be for naught - a blessing-in-disguise for me that left me w/more than a minor case of The Bad Attitude. When P came along, I was determined to present myself As I Am - love me, warts & all!

And I don't really think I've changed dramatically over the years - I'd still rather be in the barn than the kitchen or laundry room, and raising my precious son successfully into adulthood remains my first & foremost priority. Yet now my husband finds me oppressive - he feels pressured & put-upon even though I thought we had hashed out all the hard work the farm requires several YEARS ago, when we committed to the refinance! (I suggested not just once, but multiple times that even though downsizing would be painful, it might be better to move to a smaller, more manageable place.)

There have been many times when I felt as though P loved my property more than he loved me.

This evening I suggested an impromptu free concert at the Dallas Zoo... "Who's Sara Hickman?" P asked, followed promptly by "No thanks". Yet if I fail to make date-night recommendations, you guessed it - nothing occurs. I feel P becoming steadily more & more estranged from me; an eventuality I seem powerless to prevent. Aka History Repeats Itself (w/out any apparent Slut Invasion this time - go figure!)

25%

 I plug the nice "round" numbers into my calculator (of course I can do that math in my head) - but considering that I have painstakingly peeled off almost 40 lbs over my 11-year Spark Journey, with tack I would qualify as a "Heavy Middleweight" at 205-210 lbs... If Baraq has gained 25 lbs lounging around the pasture, that would put him at roughly 800 lbs - placing us precisely at that 25% threshold for long-distance riding.

But that doesn't instill me with enough gumption to tackle the Ozark Trail - even if wishes WERE horses! Add up all the mitigating factors: low energy, bad back, chronic pain... Might as well face facts, you'll be lucky to even knock out another 50 miler, as I struggled through 20 min on the elliptical last night.

What An Odd Thing to Say

Monday, June 10, 2013

(which I'm putting in the title so I don't forget to mention it later)

But again, this week, hanging on by teeth & fingernails to my Middleweight status (of course, buck nekkid first thing in AM!) - I knew this was gonna be another "maintenance" week, w/the stress & commotion of the last week of school coupled w/last weekend's Big Social Event, the quinceanera for Z's "just a FRIEND, Mom!" Sat night...

I could breathe a lil' easier since M DID take Z to the last 2 dance practices (5/17 & 6/01); we picked up Z's tux last Thurs...

(Many interruptions later, it's been one of THOSE days so this will obviously have to be a 2-parter!)

MORE TO COME

Part 2

It's weird how things can go from absolutely balls-to-walls yesterday, to relatively quiet today... (Shhhhh, don't want to jinx myself ;-)
So much of the time, I keep up this running dialogue in my mind "Things Val WANTS to Write" - most of which never makes it to computer screen or journal. This is my backdated apology if I haven't gone into any detail re: this quinceanera which Z was included in... For those unfamiliar w/the concept, this is the Hispanic coming-of-age party for a girl's 15th BD, her quince: it can range from an ordinary, "slightly-special" BD party to a huge elaborate debutante-type event. Z's friend was near the upper end of the spectrum w/dance lessons arranged for the quince & her 'court', 6 additional couples. I was tickled to have Z getting "free" dance lessons, got a little teary-eyed when they started to play The Grand Waltz...

Originally since this event fell on M's weekend, I had planned to attend a ride in the Panhandle in conjunction w/my 'niece's' HS graduation... However, Z spied the entry forms stuck under my sun visor a couple of wks ago & asked "What are these, Mom?"

All he had to do was say he wanted me there - damn straight I would be!

I wound up meeting Z at the dance hall 20 min prior to the Final Practice so he could change into his tuxedo (yes, I know, I will try to post photos!); his father dropped him off & went in search of Home Depot. (The only saving grace was the fact that She Who Shall Not Be Named went to the ride) I sat at one of the big tables w/another couple who were the parents of another escort... Hubby was coming later since he had to wait for AC repairman!

When M & Z's stepbrother came back, they joined me at the table, but when P showed up right before the dinner buffet started, M said quite pointedly, "All you have to do is line up a couple more husbands and you could fill up this table!"
I arched an eyebrow but could not come up w/a witty reply... Although what I WANTED to say was twofold: A.) I wasn't the one who broke that covenant, you arrogant b@stard!, and B.) At least MY spouse was present! (although the truth of the matter was, it would have been a miserable evening if I had to share space w/that witch)

I asked that Soul of Tolerance P if he had heard what M said - he did, but like me he didn't think it warranted a response. "It's just M being M"

I wish I could brush it off that easily, but I'm hurting no one but myself if I let evil get to me.

There's 44 cents I'll never get back...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

...OK, homies, now on Day 3 of Allan's Fat Dog Challenge; my low-grade GI issues have made it easier to stick to an "NPO" regimen. Yesterday I was constipated, today bloated & gassy - a partial explanation was revealed on my way to this AM's farm call: oh, there you are, my long-overdue period!

almostgastricbypass2.blo
gspot.com/2013/06/day-1-mo
nday-june-17-2013.html

On Mon afternoon, I dropped by the pharmacy to pick up some Ketostix - seeing 'em change from (normal) beige to pink & then purple would be gratifying; metabolic proof that I was burning fat even if the scales weren't showing much progress (according to clinic scales I'm down 1.8 lbs)... I jumped the gun by peeing on one as soon as I got back to work - too soon!

But yesterday afternoon I obtained a faint pink (trace) reading: 5 mg/ml on ketonuria. I'm holding out for slightly darker today. Ancient history: almost exactly 30 yrs ago, at the ripe ol' age of 19, my mother took me to local "bariatric specialist" (remember this was before the advent of the bariatric surgery craze) - so his regiment consisted of weekly visits in a mis-matched support group (I was the youngest), injections of God-knows-what (probable mostly multivitamins), and a 500-cal/day diet. No particular type - he honestly said he didn't care if you ate 500 cal of french fries or Fritos every day, as long as it added up to 500 cal or less. Of course I lost weight like gangbusters - I still remember my 1st memorable week, in which I racked up an 8-lb loss! but after 6 wks & a little over 20 lbs, the diet was not only making me psychotic, I didn't have much more to lose anyway, so I dropped out of the program... That was the thinnest weight of my young-adult life: initially around 145 lbs, stabilizing around 150 for the next 2 yrs until I effed everything up by getting MARRIED (yeah, I plead guilty to being young, stupid, horny, too much "in love" to read the big flashing warning signs in my face...)

More backstory later!

The Flood Recedes...

Sunday, June 23, 2013

One week into Allan's Fat Dog Challenge & I'm 4 lbs down... Yeah, yeah, I should be celebrating, but all I can think of is how (30 yrs ago) I could buckle down & lose 8!!!

There's the difference for ya between a teenager & a perimenopausal obese woman's metabolism. I can only admit it here (Allan is calling for us to adhere to all-protein-shakes, liquid diet as if we WERE in fact prepping for bariatric surgery), but last week I ate a few low-carb meals in a desperate attempt to relieve constipation (thanks for asking, things are moving along better now ;-)

I don't want Allan to kick me off as I await w/great curiosity everyone else's statistics. Allan asked us to submit our weights YESTERDAY but has not posted anything yet. One lady apparently was stricken w/such severe electrolyte imbalance, she was vomiting - collapsed & scared the sh!t out of her husband; paramedics hauled her to the hospital!
So I guess that makes 14 of us remaining...

CORRECTION; only 12 of us remaining in Challenge

Almost Stepped in It...

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

...I must watch my step, come make my confessions HERE - I almost "stepped in it" by posting a comment on one of Allan's follower's blog** but NO I am not adhering to a completely liquid-protein diet; I don't think I would be able to function under those circumstances!

Those first few days, I was so constipated it was MISERY! So last Wed I ate a SALAD, then over the next few days I was slipping in a low-carb meal once a day... There again, I have to remain functional, so w/my relatively high activity level I still managed to drop 4 lbs last week! Of course w/Val's tendency to push that envelope, I've added enough solid food that I have stalled myself out these past few days. Gotta quit shooting myself in the foot (or literally in the STOMACH) or I won't be able to post a loss this week...

Anyway, **Vanessa is not one of my fellow Fat Dogs, and I started to brag about the roasted kale chips I made last night - I was pleasantly surprised that Hubby (never a strong advocate of the vegetation) had a large helping! They seemed to help w/my GI issues, so for the love of Pete I'm not apologizing for EATING KALE.

Made it back to the gym today - Trainer Bill was making up for 2 wks of missed sessions with a hardcore session - I limped over to show him the skinned knee from my girlie pushups as he was torturing his next victim ;-)

Fed Up & Frustrated

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Only MY whacky metabolism could manage to GAIN weight on 1600 cal/day, after two gym sessions yesterday! Of course I realize it's all about the endocrinology: the more I "purify" my diet, the more sensitive my system seems to be to refined carbs & sugar...

Anyway, I need to clamber off my high horse - my diet has been far from "pure" w/a cheeseburger here & there last weekend, some french fries, a few handfuls of Fritos snaffled here at the office (I've bemoaned the fact many a time of how my office manager will never allow us to starve)... However, it's still a grave disappointment when I limp through a mad dash like yesterday - running my butt off at work, skinned knees from my trainer, relatively low-cal even if not low-carb, and the scales are UP 1.8 lbs?!?!? Give me a bleepin' break!

Let's all jump on the Poor-Val-Can't-Catch-A-Break wagon, shall we? Trying to float my battleship again today w/renewed vigor of water consumption; I know most of that is in fact "water weight" so hopefully I will pee it out by the end of the week...

Sadness All Around

Friday, June 28, 2013

My beloved granddad's baby sister died early yesterday AM at the ripe old age of 95...
(We lost Granddad prematurely @ 65 - which sounds YOUNGER & YOUNGER to me, the closer I get to that big 5-0!!!)

Maternal family dynamics are too intricate to explain in a short blog post, but at least I got in one brief visit last weekend; Aunt Lucille was perfectly lucid until the end. She took my hand "Hello Valerie". I'm very sad that Z didn't have a chance to see her - we would have gone yesterday after FB practice.

I stayed up late Wed Night stewing vegetable broth; Aunt Lucille had stopped eating so I figured that would be something nutritious (Allan actually gave the idea by posting the recipe as a change of pace from pure protein shakes)

almostgastricbypass2.blo
gspot.com/2013/06/day-9-we
dnesday-june-25-2013-even-
more.html

I listened to Mom's msg right after I dropped Z at AM FB practice, but went by the house anyway, arriving just as the funeral home van was getting ready to pull out. I called for a toast w/my broth; her daughters prob thought I was an egomaniacal jerk but they humored me. I left the rest of the thermos in the fridge; they can drink it or pour it down the sink as they choose.

The funeral will be Sun; I seriously doubt M will let me pick up Z so he can re-introduce himself to a whole raft of cousins whom he hasn't seen in years...

Bright spot: obviously the broth has a diuretic effect: I only drank 1 cup yesterday AM but seemed to urinate quarts! Looks like I'll be dead-level even this week; if Allan kicks me out of his Challenge so be it. Several have posted impressive losses of 10, 11, & even 12 lbs - yes, yes, of course I know that's mostly water weight & unlikely to "stick" but reflexive jealousy persists.

Now I'm off to waterpark to enjoy my last blessed day w/my boy - hopefully intensive doses of sunshine will help lift my mood.

NSV's, then Back to Our Normally Scheduled Griping

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

There are holes in my gray matter these days: I stumbled around yesterday morning in a fog, couldn't remember for the life of me HOW Z & I HAD SPENT OUR SPRING BREAK...

(It finally came to me: cold weather camping in AR w/my cousin & his boy, then off to more cold weather in DC visiting hubby & seeing the sights)

That Spring Break was the last I've seen of my good ol' workhorse of a tankini, purchased from Land's End - it was at least 7 or 8 yrs old so I certainly got my money's worth - I have nothing but good things to say about the fit, durability, & value of their swimsuits. But it had grown TOO BAGGY (yippee!) for last week's trip to the waterpark (for regular swimming, "MAYBE", but embarrassing disaster might have ensued if I had worn it down one of those slides ;-) - I didn't want to invest in a good suit in-between sizes like this (as I am hopefully easing down the next stairstep of my plateau)...

So I borrowed my mom's size 14 tankini and, wonder of wonders, IT FIT!!! (yes, it was a big snug on the bottom but I don't believe I stretched it out too badly). For once, I would have been HAPPY to get a picture from one of the roving photographers, but my boy kept on slippin' away from me. You'll just have to take my word for it that it didn't look half bad!

I only ate a single slice of pizza all day, but the rest of my dietary transgressions for the week stalled out any weight loss (I laughed aloud when the SP tracker gave me credit for 900-some-odd calories for 30 min of swimming - ha, no way! I float too well) - thankfully I came clean in a "mea culpa" email to Allan Sat night, & he's let me remain in the Challenge...

(maybe he took pity upon me when I mentioned the death in my family)

As expected, M refused to let me P/U Z so he could attend Aunt Lucille's funeral last Sun. I see no alternative to proceeding w/plans to petition for Z to have an audience w/Family Court judge to determine if he can have any say whatsoever in this visitation crap... BOTH of us have literally been waiting for YEARS for something resembling justice: "way back when" (in aftermath of 1st custody battle, when Z was 5), at age 10 the child could be granted a hearing w/judge. When Z was 8, they raised it to age 12, but when he was 10, the State wiped this provision entirely - it was as if the child didn't grow a brain until that magical age of 18!!!

I have laid awake many nights agonizing over these choices; believe me, no one would like to put aside this gauntlet more than I do. Why are we investing thousands of $$$ in private-school education if I then allow M to undercut Z w/the stupidity of juggling a weeknight visitation schedule?!? As I was going through paperwork, I came across the letter I wrote to Z's guidance counselor last fall - just trying to give her fair warning of our contentious past. I might as well have made a paper airplane & thrown it out the window, she never responded. (just as she gave me a vapid stare when I went to see her face to face a couple of mos ago, when Z's grades had slipped)

Z ended up his freshman year w/a 3.0 - half A's & half B's. I know those are good grades, but I think he could have done better without the disruption of that Mon night visitation. My lawyer has already warned me NOT to expect any reduction in that 1st/3rd/5th weekend visitation schedule, but I think it will be worthwhile if the judge listens to Z & at least eliminates the weeknight...

Sisyphus

 I don't know WHY I have such a mental block behind getting over that "hump" of 180 lbs - I get right down to it, then rebound 3-4-5-6-7 or 8 lbs?? (I spasmed last week after splurging on pizza and Tex-Mex, when the scales jumped 4 lbs in a single night!)

I'm like Sisyphus - almost getting there, but having to restart the process all over again. Bad choices precipitate cravings; now I'm having to fight that mental gauntlet as I drive my circuit: Popeye's? No

Church's Chicken? NO! Taco Bell? Heavens, no, no, NO!!!

It's Official

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

..I did NOT win this spring weight-loss challenge at my gym! No big surprises there; it has been a hard slog on and off-track many times to result in a net loss of 6.2 lbs...

(For my participation, I won a free training session - whoo-wee!)

It is gratifying, since I had given myself stern warnings that if I didn't lose at least 5 lbs, I wouldn't haul off 580 mi to try to conquer the Ozark Trail this year on my lil' pony. He looked great all day at last weekend's local 50-mi event - once again, I was the weak link although dear Z seemed to be feeling the mileage more so than when we did our last 50 together last Nov...

Or then again, maybe it was just teenaged angst - he started in on me during our SECOND loop (there were 5): "We're just repeating the same trail! Why are we doing this, this is BORING!!!" so forth & so on for many tedious miles. I never managed to get into that meditative state, trotting along which is so pleasant - why DO I do endurance, after all? It is hard to explain - I tried paraphrasing Sir Edmund Hillary: "We do this because it's there, & because we CAN - it's something very few equestriennes are willing or able to do!" (as my friend L said, "You've either got the bug or you ain't!"

I was so fed up with Z's whining that I gave him full permission to QUIT at several points, but who knows where he got that stubbornness from ;-) ??? He soldiered on and got his completion.

(And as busy as we've been, I've been lucky to get this abbreviated update posted; hopefully MORE LATER!)

Decisions, Decisions

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Staring down the barrel of this last week of preparation to haul off to the Ozark Trail, Val remains ambivalent...

As I said, we completed our 50 last weekend under heavy protest from Master Z - maybe 50 mi was more challenging than he remembered it being, maybe he was just being a teenager but it was a true endurance test for ME to get through the ride without blowing up at his whining & griping! Several times I gave him the option of QUITTING but he must have gotten a double-dose of Stubborn from I-don't-know-where since he kept on going ;-) (He got extremely bored w/the trail repetition which is inevitable when we're at a crowded venue - each of those 0.3 mi repeats going in & out is factored into our mileage; ride management was going to make certain we were not "shortchanged"!) And since he had held up his end of the bargain (riding w/me; guess I should have specified that he needed to be PLEASANT COMPANY!!! - I held up my end of the bargain by driving home Sat night, going to pick up Friend Jack for a sleepover, taking 'em to the movies Sun afternoon...)

(Two thumbs up for the new Jackie Robinson movie "42" BTW!!!)

What echoes in my head is his ringing questions as to "WHY" we do endurance - hell, I was getting tired & irritable myself so I couldn't do much better than a crude paraphrase of Sir Edmund Hillary: Because it's THERE & because we CAN!!! I have never forgotten the spectacle of Mark Dees shouting down my ex-husband at the AERC convention all those years ago as to what true endurance was (i.e. 50 mi or greater) - Ex was arguing that what was classified as the shorter "training distances" of 25 or 35 mi should count too**...& while I do think LD "counts" (not very many riders even go that far!), it's a whole different level when you step it up to 50, 75, or 100 miles. To me it's the difference between leisurely recreation & WORK.

So that's a roundabout way of saying I'm on the fence as I stare down these final days of prep for Ozark Trail... While I hate for Z to miss out on what I think will be a memorable experience (a point-to-point ride on a historic trail), I don't want to haul a recalcitrant teen 1200+ mi & drag him through another event he'd just as soon opt out of.
A.) If I go by myself, it would be stupid to refuse L a berth even though she's a minor PITA as a travelling companion - will my husband remain on speaking terms w/me? Well, he did it last year ;-) !
B.) If Z doesn't go, I could handle this several ways:
1.) 4-d weekend w/Amamma & Granddad
2.) 4-d weekend w/Friend Jack & family (if they'll have him)
3.) ask MRJ to switch weekends (which given his current mood may be unlikely, so I'd lose 2 weekends in a row w/Z)

This morning we were both tired & irritable - neither of us got a good night's sleep since I am resisting turning on the AC hopefully until May 1st - it was pretty warm & humid. I think any attempt at discussion would have not turned out well. But my farrier is coming out tomorrow & there's no point in paying to shoe a mule who isn't going to MO. Nothing like putting off things until the last minute, huh?

**About 20 yrs ago, our national ride organization (AERC) was at a crossroads: while it was originally established to sanction 50 mi & up events, the popularity of the Limited Distance 25 or 35 mi rides was so great that these members required recognition. Not to mention that at many rides, they provided the backbone of support - in essence subsidizing the longer distances! The compromise that was reached was to give LD riders their own registry for mileage tracking/awards. I've done plenty of LD rides myself (1675 mi to be exact, but that's only a fraction of my "REAL" endurance mileage = 6720) - for many reasons, be it a green horse or rider, insufficient training time, limited resources - LD may be the only distance a lot of riders ever participate in...

But I still count myself as a REAL endurance rider, which means I never feel as if I've "done enough" after only 25 or 35 mi. And with diesel staying close to $4/gal, I may not be hauling back out to our crown jewel of endurance, the Tevis ride in CA, until Z is out of college, an independent adult being. What a concept.

Stress & Irritability

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Let's face it, there are never enough hrs in the day...

In one way, I was happy to pass the parental baton to M this weekend - it gives me two days to make the most of my time: today I've been attacking laundry, cleaning tack, washing saddle pads & otherwise starting to load up/pack for next weekend's Big Ride, the Ozark Trail.

But I had to give away this morning to trail work at our local park. That gave me sore feet & a minor hitch in my getalong from hauling heavy boxes of trail-stake markers out on trail, where the boys could come behind me & drive 'em into place. I should have brought my lil' donkeys to serve as pack animals!

I didn't stay to ride afterwards, needed to get on home & get a few things done. Now I ought to devote some Quality Time to DH, who is flying out mañana so he can return Wed night to help w/the driving this weekend. Wish me luck folks!

(Blogging on this iPad is less than optimal, but home computer won't cooperate; every time I try to post a blog entry OR comment on SparkFriends blogs, it locks up?!?!? It's mildly irritating since I'm married to a computer guy, but I guess he don't care if Val gets her "typing therapy" or not!)

Ad I'll have to post about the latest BS from Ex later - he just can't stop! My friend Lisa says he must not be over me - I don't have the energy to argue that HE'S the one who left and is now remarried?!?!?!? A little over 3 yrs, let me pray for patience bcz if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death!

Raining & Pouring

Monday, April 22, 2013

(a figurative assessment of current conditions, since literally it has been BEAUTIFUL weather all weekend: cool spring weather, clear blue skies, wildflowers in bloom - prob the best time of all to live in N Central TX!)

But when I logged in to check my email last Fri morning, I found this "gem" waiting in my inbox from my ex:

"Valerie,

Since I did not notify you by April 1, my summer visit will begin as per the agreement at 6pm on Friday, June 28, 2013. It will end at 6pm on Friday, August 2, 2013. I will pick Z up and drop him off at these times at whatever location we agree on.

Per your request, your intervening weekend will begin at 6pm on Friday, July 5, 2013 and will end at 6pm on Sunday, July 7, 2013. We can meet at McDonalds in H for drop-off and pick-up as you suggest.

Per your request, your summer vacation take-away weekend will be Saturday and Sunday, August 3 & 4.

Thanks,

M"

As usual, no salutation, but wow! I warranted a "Thanks" (as in "thanks for the opportunity to screw you over!" in the closing; that is atypical. Fri morning, in a red-hot fury, I emailed my attorney... Of COURSE, M is well within his rights to screw me over by appropriating the "Dead Week" of the FB schedule for himself, so there's not a damn thing I can do without being in contempt of court.

Also as usual, who will suffer the most will be my poor child... He will be devastated to learn that we won't be able to go see our friends on the coast (that is, unless he sacrifices a couple of d of FB practice that following week); he'll be back in school w/orientation beginning Aug 13th.

So this makes me more determined than ever to "Carpe Diem" by taking Z to the Ozark Trail ride this weekend; it will be a hard push but hopefully worthwhile. I'm strategizing all the errands I need to run to finish up most of my packing BEFORE Z gets home manana...Ah, the stress & strain of balancing your teenager's social life with your own! Z has been asked to a quinceanera, the 15th-BD "coming out" party of a Hispanic girl... This is a VERY big deal!
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qu
incea%C3%B1era
The closest approximation I can think of is a debutante ball; a huge investment of time, effort, social capital as well as M*O*N*E*Y.

Last Fri night I noticed an unknown email which I didn't bother opening until Sat AM:

"Evening Family, Parents, Friends/Classmates,

Thank you all for being part of our special family event. All of you play an important role in our lives.

The following messages was originally sent to your child or children to allow them to book and plan ahead for the practices. We were under the impression that they in turn would communicate with you, their parent(s). However, sometimes that has not been the case. This being said, below please find the following information: dates, name of location, address, etc.

We request that your child attend all practices, but if unable to- then, at least try to attend the last four. Those would be the most important ones. Should there be any changes or modifications- you and your child/children will be contacted.

Thank you again!

(Original/1st message:)

Listen, we've made arrangements with United Dance Academy to hold one hour practices from 5-6 pm on Saturdays. This was the latest time they had available and since most people have some type of commitment prior to this, we took it. The practices will be on the following dates:
April 13 & 20
May 11, 18, & 25
June 1

Please make sure to attend and if you are unable to let me know. Thank you for being part of this event."

Yikes! Obviously Z had already missed the 1st practice, since A.) we were in horse camp, and B.) that was the first I'd heard of it! I was thrilled to think of my big handsome young man being the escort of the quince girl ("We're just FRIENDS, Mom!") so I immediately replied to her mom:

Hi V:

Well, I do apologize, but as you mentioned, dear Z had not told me anything!
I will certainly bring him to practice on 5/11 & 5/25, but those other dates fall on Z's weekends at his dad's. I'll do my best to convey their importance - I certainly know how important this is & how much expense & effort are involved in your baby's quince !!! Thanks so much for the privilege of Z being asked to be an escort. (This mom's for one is very proud)

Yours truly,

Val

I noticed in the original email that she CC'd everyone: mother, stepdad, father, stepmother. I don't know if bringing M's attn to the importance of this social event will make it more or less likely that he'll take Z to those remaining practices (no, OF COURSE he didn't take him to last Sat's practice, the b@stard!)

Z sounded really discouraged last night, saying he just wouldn't be able to go - I tried to "talk him down", saying it would be alright if he just made 2 practice sessions (i.e. the ones on MY weekends)... M assured me several mos ago when this event was in the planning stages that he would take Z (it falls on the 1st weekend of June) - I'm afraid the social fallout from backing out at this late date would be disastrous for Z.

"Evening Ms. Val,

I apologize for this reply and I appreciate you allowing and bringing your son to our practices.

My daughter considers him a good friend and I'm glad to him be a part of this.

I will send you the tuxedo information tomorrow so that you can order it.

Thank you again.

V"

Every time I read this, it brings tears to my eyes - why is she apologizing to ME? If I were in her shoes, I would be roundly cursing the idiot adults who can't get their sh!t together to allow their kids to participate...

So those have been the dramatic incidents of MY life recently - and I haven't even gotten into my dad's weird neuro episode last Thurs (I think he's OK but he has temporarily lost the use of his L arm). I've rattled on long enough; lots to do to keep on track for my upcoming Ozark Trail expedition. I feel just like Commander Decker: "...I want THIS!" and we shall see if this headstrong willfulness turns out to be Good or Bad.

Guilt & Retribution

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Instead of coming home victorious from the Ozark Trail, sporting my shiny new belt buckle, all I have to show for my efforts are these mysterious marks:

OK, so I've never learned how to manipulate these iPhone photos, but that's my R breast, turned 90 degrees, with vampiric chafing from my beloved Enell riding bra!
I just figure the multihooked front placket got infolded - I knew I was suffering some chafing which I blamed on the pervasive dampness (it rained, it rained, then it rained some more!)

Last year it was a freak thermal inversion, heat index of 116 that did us in, but this year it was torrential rains! I'll just post an excerpt from a friend's FB post:

"Well.....We had our usual bad weather for the Ozark Trail 100. The 30% chance of scattered showers turned into an all night deluge. We had to, once again.. change the trail to going out 35 miles and then coming back to basecamp. Most of the entries opted to do the 75 and then think about elevating. Only 4 were in the 100. One tied up early. One got a cramp at mile 35. It was worked out and ok to go on, but the rider wisely decided that 65 more miles on a horse with a cramp was a bad idea. So the two left both completed with a ride time of about 17 1/2 hours. Like Tevis, that time includes the time spent at the gate and goes eating and resting. "

Instead of original plan to start at one camp & ride to another (a point-to-point ride), it turned into an out & back... Poor Z had all the "fun" he could stand after one way; I can't say that I blamed him. I was cold & cramped; the mule was trying to scrape Z off on random trees & Baraq was tripping & slipping in the mud & rocks. I didn't want to take responsibility for damage to my friend Paul's trailer if we loaded the mule & took her Bosom Buddy Baraq away, so I pulled too.

Much easier to bemoan this latest failure than to get into the latest co-parenting drama, but that will have to be a subject for another post. Brace yourself!

Time for one more good quote I came across: "What's done is done. You can't change the past but you CAN control the future. Today, stop obsessing over what you did or didn't do and instead, think about what you can do today to get you to where you want to be tomorrow."

It's For Realz

Monday, May 13, 2013

I find myself hopping on my clinic scales several times a day as I reassure myself that those numbers are REAL; I'm a Middleweight once again after years of struggle...

However, as I logged into Blogger & started my photo downloads for last weekend, it has taken 35 min for 10 photos! I am committing to finishing out Allan's photo challenge for 2 more days - completing my Mother's Day weekend recap, today & tomorrow to document 2 solid weeks of photojournalism of my food - then I'm going to have to resign; this is taking too much TIME!

mtcvet.blogspot.com/

In the meantime, two NSV's: I've moved back down to size Large scrub pants; my XL's were getting too baggy! The Larges are snug but not skintight...
Once again, I only got about a half-hour break for lunch; not enough TIME to hit the gym, but instead of eating, I parked my car in the shade & had a 25-min NAP to partially recharge my batteries for the rest of this Manic Monday. Trying not to be too critical of myself; felt as though I ran my a$$ off all weekend. I had such big plans for all the fitness goals I could accomplish w/that extra time in the mornings (when I have to take Z to school for early FB practice), but it seems the most useful talent I've perfected is the fine art of napping in my lil' car. The drone of traffic on the interstate is actually soporific. 

It IS Possible to Erase One's Mistakes

Sunday, June 02, 2013

Responsibility & accountability continue to be my buzzwords; el cheapo WW home scales displayed 210.2 this AM. These are P's scales - I got rid of mine several years ago in frustration when I tried to adopt a HAES philosophy... Unfortunately my weight didn't "normalize" when I tried to exit the feast or famine carousel, it just kept creeping higher - and my scientific mind flat-out could NOT accept that carrying around 50, 60, and eventually 70 excess pounds could be "healthy" for bones, joints, the rest of my entrails, and last but not least, beneficial for my poor ponies to tote around!

So I haven't lost any more, but at least maintained during these past 10 d of "relaxed tracking". Thursday I retrieved my horse trailer from the shop - I had inflicted damage to L fender & consequently the wastewater tanks when I scraped a tree in MO (just one more item on my list of Things to be Bummed Out About my failed Ozark Trail expedition). It was overdue for routine maintenance anyway, so I bit the bullet & pulled out ye olde Visa card which was almost paid off, damnit! They also noticed that tires were deteriorating (ya get what you pay for dontcha; those tires from local dealer turned out to be the literal "too good to be true") so I had them put down new Michelins all the way round - one of my least favorite activities would be crouching by the highway changing a flat, especially in inclement weather...

A least the trailer looks brand-spanking NEW: they acid-washed the aluminum & power-washed the horse compartment; it made me itch to hit the open road! Called my friend Rhonda as I drove home & she told me a riding clinic which had been rained out Memorial Day weekend had been rescheduled for yesterday. No time like the present to spend a Grandma & Me day w/my colt Moonshine, beloved only son of Sahara, grandson of Molly... Too bad I picked him up from trainer last Nov & let him sit idle, but I have faith in the awesome power of genetics! (Darling Moll passed on her terrific temperament to all her foals; I trained Sahara myself back when I had more Free Time & she turned out flawlessly if I DO say so myself)

(Hubby is rustling around anxiously to go to breakfast so I'll wrap it up)

Short answer is yes, it did go well - this facility has impressive high-tech equipment & I'll definitely visit again & refer clients there; click on "Clinics" tab in L sidebar & you'll get to see some of what we did (trainer complimented Moonie on holding steady as she set off fireworks & blasted air horn, but shoot, I knew that was the easy part! My cousins would fire pistols from astride Moll & she never flinched)
www.coldriverequine.com

Yeah Right

Thursday, June 06, 2013

"Into each life, a little rain must fall" & of course Val must take two steps forward, then backslide a bit! Sure as hell, as soon as I posted about "accountability", I made several Epic Fail-quality bad decisions...
Another 2 lbs up - yeah I know it's not pure fat, mostly inflammatory effects of wheat & sugar, but how many times must I beat my head against that particular wall before I learn my lesson?!?!?!?
So as usual, I'm surfing around for inspiration:

"There is a difference in complaining and being truthful
There is a difference in seeing and doing
There is a difference in whining and standing up for yourself
There is a difference in blaming and accountability
There is a difference in struggling and failing"

(Thanks to Tony P, the Anti-Jared)

www.attunefoods.com/blog
/2013/04/the-secret-to-wei
ght-loss-the-difference/

I've found another source of inspiration in Marion at her Affection for Fitness blog:

affectionforfitness.blog
spot.com/2013/06/the-magic
-of-saying-no-for-every-no.html

This post in particular spoke to me, after an end-of-school celebratory dinner last night which has me feeling like that proverbial beached whale... Dust myself off, fire up the blender for a protein shake (to my disgust I AM feeling a few hunger pangs this AM) and as always, try try again...