…as well as motivation, so I’m relying on screenshots to provide today’s post!
I also waste time scrolling Reddit - I rarely post anything, but now I have the dubious distinction of having my first comment removed for being “simplistic, off-topic, or unhelpful”!! Ha! As I said in my comment, I might post in the relationships forum just to see if anyone responds - but I know what the answer is: Alex is supposed to receive his first paycheck Friday and I will be done, baby, done!
A different, milder soreness after a restorative Pilates workout (this reminds me to book my next session because it’s a small studio and they get booked up days in advance - I won’t be home in time to make next Sunday’s restorative class but I need to squeeze in two more to use my new client start-up pass before it expires) - I tried to duplicate some of the stretches to get that nice spinal release, which wasn’t as easy without their little sliding contraption - the Reformer…
(which has absolutely NOTHING to do with Nicholas Sparks, yech! I am NOT a fan)
Saturday morning, Peran had taken Izzy out on their morning walk - he left a slender notebook on the kitchen table. Of course I looked at it; who could resist? It held his scribbled notes from his ongoing journey of self-improvement, full of buzzwords like “focus”, “meditate”, and the lofty goals of masculine energy…(“leadership” etc)
I should’ve paid closer attention (my eyes tend to glaze over when we get into all this rah-rah, positive thinking cheerleading) but honestly I was looking for any personal insights of his into our marital estrangement - but there were none, nor any resolutions about date nights or deep conversations - no mention of spouse, children, or other family members at all?
“The Man Who Exists in a Vacuum” - it’s sad, really. I had a vision shortly after we were married - when another tumor popped up in my neck and I had to have surgery in ‘04 - I envisioned Peran losing me but carrying on as a lonely old bachelor, just has he had for most of his adult life before he met me.
Both of us must focus on ourselves - Peran as he figures out what the next stage of his professional life will be, and myself as I try to fight my way out of the quicksand of recovery… I’m still coughing up crud with shortness of breath and heart palpitations, but I did check out a Pilates class last night (restorative so low intensity) which was very pleasant, loosened up my stiff spine very nicely! My first experience with the Reformer equipment - I’m going to try to add it in as another weekly habit.
… has dawned cloudy, overcast, cold and windy - last night we suffered intense thunderstorms with scattered hail. I drove through one minor hailstorm coming back from Zach’s; while I haven’t had a chance to inspect my car in daylight, I don’t think it suffered any serious damage - I was able to take refuge under a bridge overpass for part of it.
We have sent “bonus child” Alex on his merry way back to Nashville this morning; Peran drove him to the airport since I have to get ready for work shortly. He just called me to relate what was probably a futile attempt to impart some life lessons - Alex still suffers under the delusion that he’s going to be “discovered” in his acting/modeling career at some point. I took him to lunch yesterday and then we went shopping so I could buy him some jeans and a shirt, socks and underwear - you know, just some basic necessities but I hadn’t even returned home before he was texting me to see if I could send him a few more bucks to buy flowers for Hayley? (Obviously his part-time wages from FedEx didn’t go far)
It will be a relief to have this kid off my payroll - I don’t even wanna add up how much I’ve sent him these past couple of months, mostly in little dribs and drabs for groceries and so forth. Peran gave him $100 bucks for traveling money which I’m sure will be gone by the time he finishes his layover in Orlando.
Got to finish my coffee and get on with my workday, being sure to bundle up - Brrrrrrrrr!!!
...as I peruse some of my colleagues' anguish in our FB group:
"One of the worst decisions of my life was to open my own clinic. The second worst decision was to expand it in 2018. I've been crawling out of a hole ever since. The expansion was supposed to include a second vet, which has been impossible to find due to corporate bonuses. I haven't paid myself for 9 months out of the last year. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have invested 18 years of my life into this place:. 8ut it has caused my depression, isolation, financial worry, and loads more. I'm in debt over $700,000 and ready to walk away and declare bankruptcy. If I do I'll be destitute. If I don't, I'll probably go crazy and be on the obit page. I have been fighting for so long to keep this place open but I'm so tired and I'm ready to give up. Not to mention I'm out of savings. This f**king place has literally sucked the life out of me."
"I went into the same hole due to a stalker that was a municipal employee. I ended up becoming an on-call ACO** to both gather my evidence to clear my name and prove he was the one doing the things I was being accused of doing. I went into the hole very deeply having just bought my practice a few years before and my home still had a large mortgage. I also had no staff since he scared them away and ended up with inexperienced people that really don’t want to work and still am in that employee hole 15 years after this stalking/harassment/ptsd started. I ended up depressed and thought of ending it too , mind you I was also recovering from meningitis at the time. I have had no time to raise prices due to working so hard with inexperience staff and very demanding clients. After the last two carbon monoxide scares, I bit the bullet she am treating myself to a kitchen renovation on top of the repairwork needed to fix what caused the carbon monoxide leaks. I am finally getting out of the hole and that is me as a solo practitioner. I thought I would get an associate as well but know that no one would want to work at my practice with the staff I have but I have to start somewhere and build up. I have one decent receptionist that I can train to do more but right now, she is also doing assistant work since she knows more than the people I hired to be assistants. Once the assistants get better or I get better assistances, I can train the receptionist better and hopefully move forward at a better pace. Money comes and goes. Don’t give up on your dream. If you need to talk, contact me. Trust me, I have been there."
** Animal Control Officer
I periodically harangue myself to get off of social media, I know I waste too much time - but I take a peculiar comfort in realizing that I am not alone in my struggles. I still haven't found the words to write my short notes of condolence to Gail's widow and daughter, I also need to touch base with my niece to see how she's holding up. If nothing else I can get her an Easter card in the mail.
…there is certainly no “spring” in my step this morning - I can relate to the Facebook meme that’s going around: in my youth, I was like the Black Knight from Monty Python, “Just a scratch!”, but nowadays I sleep wrong and feel like death warmed over.
…left on my washing machine cycle, which is the time I have allotted myself to dictate a quick blog post.
Time to make a decision about next weekend’s ride which is about a 4 1/2 hour haul (just SW of Austin on a private ranch - a beautiful place where I have not been in quite a while because they do not allow dogs. I’d estimate at least 30% of we endurance riders travel with our “camp dogs” - it felt very odd 2 weeks ago for me to get in my truck without any canine companionship!
I continue to suffer spasms of regret and guilt each morning when I roll out of bed, start to clear my foggy brain, and realize they’re all still gone - Clarice, my sister Linda, and Dr Conway most recently, but that huge tidal wave of loss looms behind them. I have to keep stumbling forward to avoid that crushing weight…
(Washing machine just finished up, but I’m gonna give myself a few more minutes to finish what I started)
Baraq made me question my commitment to endurance with his antics last month, but yesterday I took Alex-mule out for a very pleasant short training ride with my buddy Sam. He was planning to go to next weekend’s ride but now his wife has to have surgery, so it all depends on her scheduling. I just don’t know if it will be worth it for me when all I’m really up for is a one-loop intro ride. I’ve already vowed that I’m not going to offer to haul Baraq for Christina to ride - I’m still a little annoyed that she ignored all my hints about contributions to the Bo Surgery Fund. Still deciding how I want to broach the subject when I finally see her face-to-face? Not that I was expecting her to pay any significant percentage of Bo’s tab, but even a few hundred bucks would’ve been a nice gesture, considering I was planning to return Bo to her for her daughter to ride. Maybe I’m the one that’s completely off base here, but Christina is not dumb - she’s well aware that horses are an expensive hobby!
Not surprisingly, the ride manager for our ride at the end of March has already asked me to work a day/ride a day in Dr. Conway’s conspicuous absence. I guess that’s a handy built-in excuse for Yours Truly, but I’m bracing myself for many more such requests - after all, we can’t hold an event without veterinary supervision.
I had an odd dream last night in which I was able to attend Dr. Conway’s funeral - my ex took an unflattering photo of me (is there any other kind these days?) And the Slut actually came over to me to chit-chat - I was casting about desperately for a means to escape!
But here are some nice photos from my ride yesterday
I went to a YogaMatters class last Thursday (2 ladies have teamed up to take over Bruce’s studio space) - I wanted to retrieve my Van Gogh mat which Z bought me and my headstand-assist contraption, which I had planned to donate for studio use but had been stuck in their closet…
It’s not that I felt unwelcome (everyone greeted me kindly), but it’s a challenge for me to make a 6:00 PM class on Tuesdays (the 6:30 restorative class I’ve attended intermittently at the spa fits better), and on Thursdays I’m usually embroiled in something else on the other side of town! Terri led us in a moderate vinyasa flow which made me sore for 3 days. I may drop in for a class now & then, but I won’t splurge on a monthly membership for perhaps 4 classes/month.
I went back to Belinda’s restorative class last night, which gave me a different variety of soreness from her inventive use of the wall. Perhaps that contributed to last night’s restless sleep - another one of those nights which passed in a series of hourly naps. I took some ibuprofen at 5 AM which has helped loosen up my Tin Man spine.
My schedule was booked solid yesterday, but I already knew I would not be able to attend Gail’s funeral. Thankfully yesterday was sunny, mild and beautiful and several of my friends posted photos. Unfortunately, I caught a glimpse of my ex-husband in one but I knew those grief vultures (he & his wife) would be there. Just as well I avoided that stressful situation - most likely he would ignore me, just as his wife avoids me at horse camp.
I finally got the truth of recent disruptions in the Force from Zach - Victoria has had a hard time of it at work and went ahead and resigned to avoid being terminated. We’re supposed to have dinner tonight and I will give her a pep talk - I know the job market for RN’s is robust, she just needs to find a better niche.
Didn’t exactly “seem like old times” - I miss Bruce!!
