(which has absolutely NOTHING to do with Nicholas Sparks, yech! I am NOT a fan)
Saturday morning, Peran had taken Izzy out on their morning walk - he left a slender notebook on the kitchen table. Of course I looked at it; who could resist? It held his scribbled notes from his ongoing journey of self-improvement, full of buzzwords like “focus”, “meditate”, and the lofty goals of masculine energy…(“leadership” etc)
I should’ve paid closer attention (my eyes tend to glaze over when we get into all this rah-rah, positive thinking cheerleading) but honestly I was looking for any personal insights of his into our marital estrangement - but there were none, nor any resolutions about date nights or deep conversations - no mention of spouse, children, or other family members at all?
“The Man Who Exists in a Vacuum” - it’s sad, really. I had a vision shortly after we were married - when another tumor popped up in my neck and I had to have surgery in ‘04 - I envisioned Peran losing me but carrying on as a lonely old bachelor, just has he had for most of his adult life before he met me.
Both of us must focus on ourselves - Peran as he figures out what the next stage of his professional life will be, and myself as I try to fight my way out of the quicksand of recovery… I’m still coughing up crud with shortness of breath and heart palpitations, but I did check out a Pilates class last night (restorative so low intensity) which was very pleasant, loosened up my stiff spine very nicely! My first experience with the Reformer equipment - I’m going to try to add it in as another weekly habit.
Ooh, you made me think about my own old journals. I tripped over them a week or two ago and re-read some old entries. But your blog reminds me how self-focused such efforts might be. I cannot remember how much I mentioned my husband and son, but I'm sure I did because what was going on with them affected me so much. Still, happiness is an inside job.
ReplyDeleteI have HUGE gaps in my time-line in the journals, a lot of which was taken up by blogging. But the blogs tend to go away (Spark went away), so I guess that's kind of an automatic adjustment putting the past behind one?
Sounds like gentle Pilates was a fit for now. May it continue so.
I don't read books with unhappy endings. It sounds somewhat childish but I reached a point in my development that real life can provide enough unhappy endings to more that overwhelm me. I stopped reading depressing books after I went through a stage where I read the "classics". Most of which are real tear-jerkers. I don't love a good cry like some do. I decided that fiction was depressing and read exclusively non-fiction for many years. Of, course, I was in college for many years to get a degree and after that I had to continue with my education and then I found there were interesting electives I wanted to take outside of my field of study. So I became immersed in gathering knowledge and skills. Nicholas Sparks holds no interest for me. A man writing romance novels? Really????? Weird. I have read a few and most are kind of cheesy. The damsel in distress riding on horseback out on the moors who meets the handsome beefcake on horseback on the moors. Keep the horses and get rid of the "Gorgonzola". I have only gotten back into fiction the last few years. I tried James Patterson and it was depressing. Same book over and over again. I then discovered cozies and they are cheesy but my kind of cheese - Gouda. LOL. The same applies to me with movies and T.V. shows. Not interested in being sent into a downward dog spiral of depression.
ReplyDeleteActually I tend to find Peran's notebook okay. Most men are focusing on things much less worthy of focus. Like getting into some barely-of-age bimbo's knickers. Or their job, sports, hunting, fishing, boozing. 90% of men are fairly predictable and uninteresting. At least Peran has some diversity. So does Benny and that is why I find him interesting and worth putting up with.
You are also into fitness so you and Peran actually have that in common. Get well soon, GF.
Funny you should mention James Patterson - I think Peran has read everything he's every written, a habit that he started back when he was a Road Warrior (traveling all the time, picking up books in the airport). But yes, you're right - he's just variations on the same theme, "Read one - read 'em all!"
DeleteBenny and I read maybe 4 or 5 of the Alex Cross series. I'm not that into serial killers and they were always after his family or friends or him. I just didn't enjoy them. I want something goofier, like me.
DeleteI live with someone who's main focus is himself. Not in a mean, selfish way but in a way I wish I would treat myself. It's an odd balance. It's that 'oxygen mask on yourself first' attitude. It doesn't feel fair at times but then again, I'm the one who's burnt out caring for him, not vice versa.
ReplyDeleteCaregiver fatigue is for real! (I'm not posting much about my poor mom these days bcz it's just a tragic, hopeless situation for both of us) I should be glad that P is taking care of himself; I certainly have no surplus time nor energy...
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