Tuesday, August 18, 2020

What Might I Post?

 ...4 short weeks from now: that I opted out of Ozark Trail, discretion being the better part of valor n’ all?

Perhaps those vaunted 20:20 hindsights after a failure, or (last bit not least) the slim possibility that Baraq & I might triumph? My B-boy was so happy with the tiny slice of Extra Mom Attention, he was posturing & puffing himself up last night as he threatened poor Kizzy, backing up to fire kicks!

Of course I know he can do it, it’s ME who’s the Weak Link. Day 1 didn’t go too great, with no exercise & nachos for dinner. That just won’t fly, my lil’ chickadee! (Reviews Gavin’s handout again: arugula, parsley, need to go buy some beef...) Athletes are made in the kitchen as well as in the gym.

You shouldn’t do it out of some misplaced sense of obligation - don’t make MORE work for Linda by hauling up there & washing out! Make it an honest try or quite frankly, give it up - you’ve questioned your “Endurovet” identity for some time now. Think it through!


A New Record...

Monday, March 21, 2011

...for me is having the anxiety dream ONE FULL WEEK before the event!

My next half-marathon is now 6 short d away, yet last night I dreamed I couldn't find my new SHOES - I was searching frantically through my older pairs, trying to decide which one could carry me through 13.1 mi...

I know I'm ill-prepared, but more worried about my son - I don't know at this point whether I should just forbid him to even try?? I know in worst-case scenario, we can walk it out in less than 4 hrs, but he'll still be in for a lot of misery. Strange how, almost 13 yrs into this voyage, I still have doubts about this motherhood gig! I know we've both been running on fumes for the latter part of our magnificent Spring Break, but he seemed ESPECIALLY irritating as he hounded poor Maddie yesterday until I raised my voice in frustration (& that STILL only bought me a few precious moments of peace!).

He accompanied me to the gym on Sat for a short workout; I believe he knocked out 2.5 mi while I did 4... I was going to count that as my tempo run & do a long run (6 mi) back-to-back yesterday, but opted out w/pain in my L knee & R ball of foot... So today I'll do my own long run; hopefully the cushioning pad I bought for the R ball of my foot will help. Guess if I can get my boy to do 1 or 2 more 3-mi training runs he'll be good-to-go!

In other words, I have to take care of #1 & hope that the rest falls into place...

A Fool's Errand...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Seems even more likely this weekend, when I threw my back out hauling my gear into the clinic this AM...
I staggered up, set down my tray of hoof tools to open the door, turned sideways to lean over & pick up the tray again & WHAM! a tremendous muscle spasm seized my lower back, so bad that I couldn't straighten up for a few moments...
All I can say is, thank God for ibuprofen & muscle relaxants - I had clients waiting on me, so bowing out to go to my chiropractor was NOT an immediate option. I took a handful of pills, stretched gently for a few min, & as I slowly kept myself moving the muscle spasms gradually eased up. (still giving me the occasional twinge here)
Crap! At least that's better than my poor girl Maddie; apparently her minor hip strain was actually a subluxation - she is undergoing surgical repair today** This means 6 wks on crutches, probably 6 mos before she can get back to riding again.

**her mom took her to the doctor yesterday; she hurt herself in an awkward dismount from her mare a couple of wks ago, but compounded the damage when she continued to try to run track events in school!

Yesterday I was trying to knock out one more training run, but after 1.5 mi I had to pause & rip the cushion out of my R shoe - it wasn't helping my foot pain one tiny bit, actually aggravating it. I limped through another half-mile before giving it up entirely... Another major problem was something I should have known better - exercising on a full stomach! Major indigestion, not a pretty sight.

My "friend" was there & it was hard to find the energy to even give him a pleasant smile - not that he would care in the least as I glimpsed the puffy, red-faced sweating clown in the mirror. More likely to scare him off!

I'll be able to go by my chiropractor over lunchtime, maybe try the elliptical but my prospects appear to be dimming by the moment...

The Day Before...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Here I sit, cooling my heels at the paintball field as I let Z & a couple of his buddies work out their pre-teen aggressions...
Then I'll drive boys home & we'll go to the Expo to pick up our race packets for tomorrow's half!
It's such a beautiful weekend; wish I felt better about this thing... At least I've had no further nauseating twinges of knee pain since Tues.
(Note to self: bring lawn chair for next session; these benches are HARD!)
May also have to resort to bribery to get Z out on the course in the morning; I'm torn between just leaving him in bed if I meet too much resistance vs what I'd planned on anyway, which is getting Z a new TV for his room...
I'm open to suggestions, & tired of typing on this tiny ph keyboard.
Hope to post one more pre-race update later.
Thanks to all my SF's for their unwavering support!

My Perfect Number...

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

...appears to be "7.5" - the rough estimate of the hrs of decent-quality SLEEP I got last night!

I finally got everything arranged w/proper temperature (the weather turned cold again, so I had to put an extra thermal blanket on the bed & put on pajama pants! also got dogs arranged just so ;-) - only had to get up ONCE to urinate (stopping hydration efforts after 8 PM), & lay awake for a relatively brief time @ 2AM, NOT letting my anxieties/worries get the better of me...

I woke up a half-hour before my alarm was scheduled to go off, & lay there in a pleasant doze w/lil' warm doggies by my legs, quite the treat! Hubby never went beyond a gentle rumble w/his snores either...

But anyway, I know everyone is anxious to hear about my "race", the Dallas RNR Half (I put race in quotes bcz it was about the farthest thing FROM a race for me).
As I mentioned, in the end I left my son at home - he had never put in any significant training, there was no point in making us BOTH miserable! I thought I had everything sorted out w/my painful R foot: new shoes, a thin coating of lotion, new Thor-lo socks... (over the past few wks, I have tried various pads & cushions which only seemed to aggravate this corn - of course w/my 20/20 hindsight I SHOULD have gone to my podiatrist beforehand)

The pain caught up w/me before I'd even finished the first mile... I shuffled along at my usual slow jog for the 1st 10 min, then tried to do my "Galloway intervals" of 90 sec jog/30 sec walk... Everything was fine EXCEPT the damned foot: in retrospect, I think it's bcz I "spoiled" myself w/too many TM miles - when I had to start watching my steps on uneven pavement, the pain flared up.

Things got a little better in the middle segment, when we cruised through Highland Park (a wealthy enclave in the middle of Dallas) - no broken pavement THERE! (Also porta-potties that still had TP :-) I kept on telling myself that if I quit, I would STILL have a painful foot, but no medal to show for my efforts & besides, what would I be teaching my son?

"Be a quitter" when our whole motto of endurance riding is: "To Finish Is To Win"... No, ya gotta believe in something so I choose to believe in that!

Watching that SAG wagon out of the corner of my eye got very tempting at times; it's funny bcz I don't REMEMBER seeing a SAG wagon at previous RNR events?? Maybe it's just bcz I have never been this far back in the pack?

I actually wasn't that far off pace - even though I had set a pie-in-the-sky goal for myself of 3:15, crossing the finish line in 3:37:54 only put me approx 7 min behind last year's time!

www.asiorders.com/view_u
ser_event_video.asp?EVENTI
D=75571&BIB=15041


Hope the link works - it's humorous for me to watch my gait change from a Grade II to a Grade III lameness as I transition from a shuffle-jog to a hobbling walk...
But hey, at least I FINISHED! My sweet boy even rubbed Perform pain relief gel on my poor sore foot afterwards, & I await whatever magic my podiatrist may be able to perform on Thursday...

Final statistics:
Finishing time = 3:37:54 (16:34 pace)
Number of porta-potty stops = 4
Number of porta-potties w/out TP = 1 (fortunately just for Number 1)
Blisters, chafes, or other fresh wounds = 0 (thank you Body Glide!)
Metabolic grade = A (no significant muscle soreness, cramps or stiffness; I drank Cytomax, Body Balance & took 3 Gu's during the event)

Overall, sweet success & another handsome medal to hang in my collection!

Grim News from Podiatrist...

Friday, April 01, 2011

...which has completely deflated me; I barely have the energy to type this:

Yes, that is a callus near the center of the ball of my R foot (there's a small one on the L too, but it's not painful YET) - but it's actually caused by the collapse of my 2nd metarsal arch. I have completely flat feet; in my radiograph there's not even the slightest HINT of an arch - but I've always known this, since childhood... My parents had me in fancy orthopedic shoes as a kid; I've had several series of the custom-made orthotics, always searching for that perfect shoe (I gave up on wearing practically anything BUT running shoes years ago)...

My podiatrist recommended surgery - an osteotomy which would put me in an orthopedic boot for at least a month - no DRIVING (R foot remember?) & we didn't even get into the implications of how much time I could reasonably expect to be able to stay on my feet (most of the time around here it's about 75/25, but there's a lot of wild n' wooly days where I'm hoofin' it from 9 AM until 6 PM - take just the other day for example!)... Of course I could take a week off, I can ask my husband to do a lot of driving - but bottom-line is I'm terrified that this is one small step on the road to decrepitude, I'm already researching nonsurgical alternatives, gonna start trying to build up the muscles in my feet (weight training for those toes ;-) !

& I wonder IF all these years off & on in orthotics have actually WEAKENED my feet instead of supporting them; I'm going to wear the fancy new "barefoot" shoes my son talked me into buying for him this weekend & see how those feel...

But for now I'm going to hit the elliptical; it doesn't hurt & neither does cycling (hubby & I took the bikes out for a brief jaunt in yesterday's beautiful weather). After all, Dr H didn't advise me to quit exercising!

A Pleasant Surprise...

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Since I was absolutely DREADING the concept of taking Baraq-o-rama out on the trails by himself this AM, I dragged my feet as long as possible: lounging on the couch this morning (where I'd sought refuge from Hubby's snores around 5:30 AM), accepting his peace offering of breakfast... & not loading up & leaving until after 10 AM.

The problem is that Baraq is not the kind of horse who is FUN to ride; it's constant vigilance unless my boy is in his Favored State - in companionship w/"HIS" mare - Maddie's Amira. Even then, he's a born follower, happy to trail along in the mare's wake...

Fortunately there were lots of other folks out to enjoy this pleasant day on the trails - Baraq was preoccupied w/cracks in the earth's surface, wildflowers waving in the breeze, butterflies fluttering by!! but we caught a glimpse of another party, probably half a mile ahead. Then I was able to concentrate on CATCHING UP - even better, they turned out to be endurance-riding buddies of mine! Talk about your lagniappes... from then on out, we had smooth sailing - Baraq was happy to have found companionship, so I was able to relax & actually enjoy this ride.

Another happy coincidence was that it turned out to be Robin's B/D, so after our jaunt we piled into a local Tex-Mex place for a meal. Almost made up for the fact that my boy wasn't home - I've got to put his mule through her paces tomorrow, which should be a pleasant duty.

Surgery: Hell no we won't go!

Monday, April 04, 2011

Now that I've had a little time to do some research, I am more hesitant than ever to even CONSIDER the possibility of surgery - at least not before I have exhausted every other possible option!

"...one half of the patients continued to have some degree of pain and most patients had limitations in footwear. Overall results were disappointing, and patients who are offered this procedure should be advised of its limitations."

One HALF = 50%?!?!? those look like pretty crappy odds to me, so I'm buckling down w/a mini-5% challenge to myself; that boils down to 10.8 lbs. If I'm too damn pathetic to step off this plateau, then I deserve all the misery that surgically cracking into my metatarsals nets me...

20 min on the elliptical = no pain from R foot. (I carefully peeled off the bandage Dr H had applied last night; it was getting pretty grody.) So far, so good. "One small step for man..."

True Friends...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

...don't attend an important ride without even MENTIONING it to ya, do they?!?

(No of course they don't)

I thought I had all my issues about my so-called "friend", riding buddy, & erstwhile Tevis companion worked out - we've exchanged a couple of emails over the past couple of wks (she had a bad experience at the ride Z & I opted out of attending, the last weekend in March since that conflicted w/my "Race of Pain", the Dallas Half - her horse was disqualified @ 40 mi)
- but I still felt a sinking feeling when I got my latest issue of our "Endurance News" magazine last night to see L listed amongst the finishers of the MS ride I opted out of at the end of Feb: I was in the process of investing in new truck & trailer, and the weather had been so variable I didn't want to take a chance of hauling out into the teeth of the last of the season's winter storm(s)!

Ah well - no harm, no foul**. It doesn't do to waste my energy wondering "WHY" L would have it in for me - I keep reminding myself it isn't ME, it's HER - no real difference from when I yelled at Hubby a couple of wks ago over another lack of communication... Our tiny Chihuahua Buddy had disappeared one night - I went racing outside to check the barn, the outbuildings, the chicken coop, coming back to the house w/a heavy heart (a small dog = coyote bait in our neighborhood; I DON'T leave the little dogs out after dark!) only to find that Hubby had checked Z's room & found Buddy peacably asleep w/him, but for some unknown reason didn't bother to stick his head outside & inform me??!!??

**Today I feel a pleasant soreness throughout most of my sinews (neck, spine, shoulders, legs) after my 1st 50 in over 3 mos... Baraq-o-rama performed admirably; a little time off doesn't seem to hurt HIS performance! But the sudden onslaught of heat & humidity last weekend nearly did ME in - I was suffering; w/out the support of my friend Al (who was riding Maddie's mare, Baraq's Best Buddy) & the foresight of ride management to leave an ice chest packed w/PEOPLE water at the out-of-camp horse trough, I would have washed out...
I was running out of water on that 4th loop - a 25-mi rider also gave me a Gu packet which did me a lot of good (psychologically at least). When I got back to the trailer I drank a pint of Gatorade but I still had to walk out most of that last 7-mi loop...

Now a new dilemma awaits: Al said he would also exercise Amira at our next ride which is April 23; I've already been asked to help out w/pre-ride exams, but that's also my dad's B/D! (in my family we tend to make a big deal out of such things) I'm hoping when I double-check my legal documents I can exercise my right to keep Z on Holy Thurs since Good Friday is a school holiday; that way we could take Dad out on THURS night, leaving Fri & Sat free for another horse-camping trip...

(I really have to take advantage of the training opportunities at each & every ride from here out if I have any reasonable expectation of heading out to Tevis this summer)


Tuesday, August 4, 2020

Idiocracy

"You are obese and sick BECAUSE you are IMPULSIVE."

Coupled with JT's thought-provoking tweet from last week: "If your actions don't align with your goals, then you don't have GOALS, you have FANTASIES."

It doesn't appear I will ever learn, as I groan with indigestion from fuckin' Popeye's chicken - I thought you had accepted that your formerly gargantuan appetite is more in line with that of a normal postmenopausal woman?!?

Galloway Intervals...

Friday, March 04, 2011

Today I made it by the gym to knock out my 4 mi - a little hard getting started, so after my 1st mi I started the "Galloway Intervals" (which I believe I originally heard of from LUV4CHOCOLATE): run 90 sec, walk 30 sec.

This seemed to enable me to pick up my pace a little bit, which is exciting! Who I'm worried about most is my son, who has barely trained at all - being young & reasonably fit otherwise only takes you so far. He was incredibly bored w/last weekend's trip to the gym; he did about 1.5 mi while I did 4... I told him good training can make the difference between having a lot of FUN vs having a completely miserable time - bcz MOMMA AIN'T QUITTING!

I suppose we'll set up as we did for the Turkey Trot - both carrying our cell phones... I'll put Hubby on alert that if Z washes out, he just has to stand ready to swoop by & pick him up - there's no such thing as a SAG wagon for this event!

I don't want to add anything to the already-heavy burden my son has to endure w/his disruptive schedule - before someone jumps my a$$ to accuse me of interfering in that all-important cultivation of The Paternal Bond - be careful; I don't suffer fools gladly! We're talking about the man who threatened BOTH of our lives, who waged a destructive & vindictive custody battle against me when I learned of the abuse/neglect my son suffered while under his father's "care", & who gives me shining examples virtually every week as to how little he truly cares for his son's welfare... The best I can hope for is that the love & support Z gets from me, his stepfather & his grandparents, coupled w/his ferocious intelligence & drive, is enough to sustain him into adulthood w/minimum psychological scarring inflicted by his father.

Sorry, I didn't really mean to go off on a tangent - funny what bubbles up in your psyche after a good run!

Idle Speculation

Monday, March 07, 2011

As I gingerly stretch my hip flexor - but my knee feels much better after a short elliptical session at the gym today, thanks very much!

Ai yi yi - I'm getting too old for this sh!t. Brought my angel-girl Alex The New Mule home on Saturday - here I was worried about the snapping tarp when I unloaded her from the trailer yet THAT wasn't the booger, it was the GOATS!
I led her down to the barn to put her in a stall for a while as she got acquainted w/her new home & companions... The curious goats trotted down just as I led her into her stall & she flattened me against the concrete as she sought an escape route...

I really don't know exactly what kind of damage I did - torque, flex, twist, bruise - as I hit the deck & bounced up again as quickly as I could to get out from under those hooves! My knee was pretty stiff & swollen, but today I feel soreness all the way from knee, up through hip flexors, lower back, & base of my neck. Geez.

So needless to say, I didn't get my "long run" in this weekend - I wore my lycra knee brace all weekend & today most of the swelling is down; went by the gym for warm-up on elliptical. Fortunately no pain WITHIN the joint.

Also fortunate that horseback riding is painless - I took Miss Alex out to our local trails when the winds died down yesterday & she did GREAT. She has a wonderful floating trot (which we didn't do very much of, taking it slow n' easy thank you very much!), but Momma needs to rig a bigger headstall for my big girl! (The throatlatch lacked about 6" but I managed to rig an extra strap for a temporary fix.) Everything was great until the dismount - apparently I startled her when I slid down & she jumped sideways - sorry, baby girl, Momma's fault!
She jerked the reins out of my hands & ran to the far side of the parking lot.

Mixed bag...

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Or, to borrow a line from Dickens: "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times"...
The good: lil' rescue terrier Lupita is doing fine; I spayed her last week & had to extract 2 fractured teeth, but she'll be fine. Struck out w/one potential new owner, but I'm sure the right owner will show up soon!
The bad: son came home completely exhausted after weekend at his dad's... Wouldn't go to karate, general Extreme Bad Attitude regarding everything (direct consequence of exhaustion). Full of q's about new truck, new trailer, & new mule until I called a stop to the interrogation... Felt suspiciously like he had been coached by his dad (Z's already made oblique reference to how child support must be underwriting new vehicle)
Is it paranoia if somebody truly IS out to get you?
The ugly: I cranked out 2 slow n' easy mi on the TM; knee feels internally unstable although no acute pain. Should not have gone w/out brace today!

Fed Up...

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

I realize I am an absolute glutton for punishment under certain circumstances, but I am just FED UP w/this so-called "friend" of mine...

I am tired of the snide comments which are made w/the very BEST of intentions, I'm sure - but still add up to a lot of insensitive & hurtful sh!t, there's just no point to it...

Maybe it's true, I just want all of my friends to be empty-headed Yes-men, but c'mon, give me an ever-loving BREAK! Ya gotta shine a little bit of support on me every once in a while; it can't be all stick & no carrot...

"I love how you pay out the wazoo for trucks & trailers, but don't want to pay much for mounts. Gotta skrimp somewhere"

I tell ya, it gives me a lot more pride when I make good mounts out of my rejects, renegades, & rescues than any satisfaction that would result from going out & "paying through the wazoo" for a ready-made equine. (Besides, L has NO EARTHLY IDEA how much I paid for Alex; overall the mule market has held its value much better than the horse market - I ain't no horse or mule trader besides! Ralph was asking the same price he had since I first went to check her out 2 yrs ago; he's an older guy who needs to move some equines out of his pasture & I wasn't going to haggle w/him.)

"The mule is Zach's? Hope he'll condition her."

I guess I should cut L some slack, since she's never been married & has remained childless. One of the few benefits to Z being away so much is that we can, in fact, SHARE her. I am hitting the jackpot this spring since I will have Z for the upcoming ride this weekend, as well as 2 rides in April & 2 in May. That's a significant chunk of mileage we can rack up together.

Of course every rainbow has a dark cloud behind it (or some other such awkward metaphor). Mr B bruised his L shoulder, acting the fool when Miss Alex came home: I don't think he got kicked, I think he ran into the hay rack or some similar immovable object in all the excitement. So he'll miss this weekend's ride; I'll just take the Hubby Horse, Mr Champ; we'll do Limited Distance (25 mi) & have a grand old time...

"10.5' are only for 1 or 2, but cramped for 3? How long do you need for 3, 4 or more if you have more than 1-2 kids? 4', 6', & 8' are uninhabitable?"

I know this statement makes no sense whatsoever, but she's referring to the size of the living quarters in my new trailer - I had made mention of the fact that it will be a bit crowded w/my 10.5' living quarters w/3 people (myself & the two kids this weekend; on Monday we'll be meeting up w/Maddie's dad for the handoff for the rest of HER Spring Break)...
L's own trailer has tiny 4' living quarters - which there again, is FINE for one person. I appreciate having the sleeper sofa, the full-sized fridge, & full shower in my bathroom. To each his or her own! Hell, L had joked w/me previously when I was first mentioning trading in the motorhome, how on earth would I fit all my stuff (& Z's) into a conventional horse trailer?!?

(We'll find out tomorrow as I make the final big push of packing)

Catching Up...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Well WE'RE BAAAACK from our fun-filled Spring Break jaunt (which wasn't exactly 100% "fun" but what is these days? I won't waste precious time b!tching about it too much here ;-)
But lemme tell ya, it takes more than 2 d to catch up on a solid week of lousy sleep... Yesterday I was a ground sloth (although I DID make it by the gym, that was my major achievement of the day), & this morning I am finally beginning to feel halfway-human again.

(& now my young man is awake; I was desperately hoping that he would sleep in a little later; it's only 8:30 so this will be a short update)

As it is w/most vacations, I basically threw caution to the winds so I'm dreading what those scales reveal Mon AM - hopefully not too much damage has been done. I took the kids to Dairy Queen for several visits; we "ate it up" like there was no tomorrow when we were visiting my friends at the coast. Unfortunately we didn't make it onto the beach for a ride, but just took a short jaunt around the neighborhood. (J discovered that her limit for riding, after 40-some-odd yrs, was about 30 min. We were out for an hour & her legs were paining her --- circulatory issues related to her diabetes. Thankfully Mr Champ performed flawlessly, understanding that this was a "slow n' easy" ride, & the stable had a mini-staircase like contraption since she offered therapeutic riding. I'll try to post a few iPhone photos!)

& thanks to SparkFriends for good advice - I've hardly concerned myself w/hurtful remarks from so-called "friends" - Mr B's shoulder seems to be alright so I'll ride him this afternoon.
Darlin' Miss Alex performed flawlessly, completing her 1st 25-mi ride at a moderate pace w/no problems. She was a good traveler & a great camper - Z is thrilled w/her as am I!




Wednesday, July 8, 2020

I don't even know where to start after this Interval of Weirdness, the Covid-19 quarantine (aka "The Chinese Virus" as my colleagues continue to bicker about it; dOn'T bE rAcIsT!!!) as we hopefully emerge into a less stressful period of summertime as mom continues her painfully slow recovery...

"she's chosen vagueblogging internet martyr as her life's work."

I've tried to avoid being vague; try to be as honest & forthright as I can be - yeah, I admit I play the "poor Val" card too often; my privilege is showing!

I pity da fool who tries to make sense of this disjointed mess - started sometime last month, for some reason feeling the compulsion to continue stringing these things together In Case Of My Demise (untimely or not).

Just Doin' It

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I don't want to jinx myself, but decided to make the most of this "day off that wasn't"** by recommitting to being more fully present in my daily life...

If that sounds like gobbledegook, yes it partially is - bcz I would be lying if I swore that I would never make poor food choices again, that I'm going to follow the Paleo path 100% (I like Robb Wolf's more real-life "80/20" objective), that I'm never going to waste my time lounging again...

**I had scheduled Wed - Sat off, originally planning to haul to that MS ride, but I seem to have guaranteed an early spring when I decided to cancel the trip - however, I left the days off as they were. Unfortunately I have to make a return trip to a client's farm this afternoon - it's easy for me to allow my free time to get completely subsumed unless I DO leave town! Anyway, it's a good deed that I need to do (client's hubby will be returning from Iraq in 3 wks so I count this "special favor" as my welcome-home gift for a serviceman)...

Z has to do a certain number of service hours as part of his religion class this year, so maybe this can count as some of mine ;-)

Needs/Haves/Wants

Friday, February 25, 2011

Just when i thought "Spring was in the air", this morning dawned cold, damp, & dreary - 41 degrees!

Another shining example of variability of TX weather: it's been muggy & humid since Wed, w/intermittent drizzle, but heavy thunderstorms crossed our area yesterday - late morning by the time they arrived in our section of the county. (seems like whenever I need to go to the feedstore, it RAINS) Guess that's the beauty of my new crew-cab truck - I could lay a couple of bags on the back seat to hold us over until it dries out...

Anyway, here's a shining example of why I did NOT select fancy leather interior for new vehicle:



As I was driving home through the thickening downpour, I saw a small dog by the side of the highway... I knew there was something abnormal about her attitude & posture - as I passed, I realized D@mn, she's been hit by a car!
I doubled back to scoop her up - even if she were doomed, I couldn't leave her to spend the last moments of her life in misery, drowning in a thunderstorm! She was bleeding from nose & mouth, I wrapped her up in my barn jacket, shooed the Chihuahuas away, & plopped her in my passenger seat. (Of course she bled all over it but as I said, that's the beauty of vinyl ;-)

She had pretty significant head trauma, but luckily no broken bones & only 1 broken tooth! I gave her emergency treatment yesterday; the bleeding stopped & she seems stable now...
(approx 10 mon old terrier mix, recent estrus - for all I know, she may have been chased into the road by male dogs. Of course no collar or tags; I'll scan her for a microchip but I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT.)

Hopefully I can place her in a decent home - we don't need another dog (she'll make Number 8), but I may be outta luck when my boy gets home today & sees her ;-)

I was speculating today about what I NEED to do vs what I HAVE to do vs what I WANT to do; I'm going to take this previously-scheduled morning off to take my dad to a gym that has Power Plate equipment, used for fitness training & rehab, & have him give it a try.

http://www.powerplate.com/us
/

Any way I can get more done in less time - sounds like a plan to me!

Close But No Cigar

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Seems like NOTHING is working out as planned this weekend...

As I've whined previously, I had originally planned to haul to a ride way out in MS this weekend to make another attempt at B-boy's 1st (successful) 100-mi ride... However, between tumultuous weather, going hand-in-hand w/lack of training, and my recent decision to join the rest of the crowd, upgrading my rig from the gas-guzzling motorhome to a conventional pickup & horse trailer w/small living quarters - it just wasn't coming together for me.

Last but not least was the coincidence of this being the 1st karate tourney of the season - after recent LOVELY turmoil w/the ex, Super Karate Mom needed to be there - it wouldn't have been fair to hand this responsibility off on my parents (more about them later**). Let's just say his heart wasn't in it; can't say that I blame him. This month has flown by for me too. He placed 3rd in his Specialty (weapons) class, but then again there were only 3 participants. Huge intermediate class of 20 for kata (forms), so once again he didn't place... & in sparring, he had the bad luck to draw Nico (last year's state champ) in the 1st round - so it was a hasty defeat - & to add insult to injury, the kid kicked him TWICE in the crotch & didn't get called for fouls.

We're both ragged out & trying to recharge now.

**& my big plans to introduce my dad to the rehabilitative potential of the Power Plate didn't pan out either: I had barely pulled out of my driveway Fri morning when he called to say he had changed his mind, he didn't want to try this newfangled device. Maybe I can talk him into it next week! I would have gone myself, but then I drove on & realized about 20 mi from home that I had failed to grab my purse out of the Kia (moron). My buzz was gone by the time I retraced my steps (very carefully) & retrieved my purse, so I just met a friend for lunch.

Class I, Stage 1

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

(If mere knowledge was power, I would currently be sitting here in my old favorite size 10 Lee jeans instead of XL scrubs...)

Anyway, I keep surfing obsessively, don't really know what I expect to find... Kinship/sympathy/similar life conditions??? I dunno, the word "compulsive" sounds uncomfortably close to the truth.

"Those that can, DO - those that can't, surf the Web!"

Anyway, I unearth new rating systems, such as this new Edmonton Obesity Staging System:


www.drsharma.ca/edmonton
-obesity-staging-system.html


This correlates BMI w/real health issues ("comorbidities" such as high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis, etc) in an attempt to make a more rational analysis. By these standards I am Class I (BMI 30 - 34.9; currently I'm @ 32.7), Stage 1 - mild physical symptoms (joint pain, early arthritis) & "mild obesity-related psychology and/or mild impairment of well-being". Fair enough.

Yesterday I got myself signed up for an 8-week challenge at my gym; I have tried unsuccessfully over these past couple of wks to get Hubby to sign up w/me. Generally things of this nature have the OPPOSITE effect on me (triggering my rebellious nature I suppose), but this doesn't cost anything so I might as well give it a shot!

(Saw "my friend" yesterday, the obese younger man - I smiled encouragingly but haven't even spoken to him yet. Maybe he'll join my team? ;-) - guess I'll wear my wedding ring today so he knows it's all for good clean moral support. (I scrub my hands very frequently & perform surgeries besides, so most of the time my wedding ring lives in my desk drawer.)

The Weary Warrior

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

...went by the gym today & it was FAR TOO CROWDED for the intimacy of taking photos in the big mirrors, so I took a few in the bathroom...

Not tech-savvy enough to rotate 'em!

(Notice the cheesy motivational posters: Charlie Brown & Lucy, "Never ever EVER give up!"

Current weight = 215 (gym scale, fully clothed). No time for measurements!


Front view gives horrifying appearance of far-worse-than-they-are-batwin
gs...


Side view of poor posture


Actually the ol' arms aren't that bad, there is some muscle tone!

You'll just have to wait to see the legs ;-)



Monday, February 10, 2020

Brand New Day

How odd is it that a snippet of this old Sting tune wandered across my poor dreary brain this AM, then when I wearily pick up the mantle of continuing to archive these old blogs, "Brand New Day" is the title??!!??
It doesn't feel like a Brand New Day - trudging through Day Five of Life Without Buddy, a truly miserable phase of my existence. Time for me to hang it up, if only I didn't have so many (still, amazingly enough) dependent on me. That feeling (how do you say it in French) of complete & utter desolation - how much longer do I have to endure upon this earth?

Brand New Day?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I was amazed when I glanced at my lil' Daily-Mile tracker (digging for some sort of inspiration here) & saw that I've racked up 50 MILES on foot this year, in less than 6 weeks! Guess it just shows what you can do with a little consistency...

I need SOME sort of consistency in my life these days, after another fun-filled series of "negotiations" w/ex. What's my best analogy: card sharp, stunt rider, seasoned actress? Trying to preserve and/or balance Z & I's best interests against The Greater Good - a complicated stew that involves keeping Z's life on as even a keel as I can manage, w/generous admixtures of Keeping Everyone [else] Happy: father, stepfather, grandparents, other friends & relatives... Confused yet?
Because I certainly am! I'm drifting far-from-weightlessly** today in the aftermath of our new arrangement: swapping Monday night for Thursday night visitation.

This should theoretically solve several nagging problems: eliminating ongoing conflicts over Z's Monday night karate team practice, preserving Z's Monday-afternoons-w/GP's, while Ex gets what HE wants, which are 4-night stretches w/Z on "his" weekends (Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun vs previous arrangement which gave him Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon)...

The drawback, of course, is that I lose my precious Thurs afternoons w/Z... Just one more facet of letting him go as my young man grows up, I suppose - at least that's how I'm soothing myself. I already feel as though I've lost great bleeding chunks of Z's childhood; what's a few more hrs?

So I didn't put any pressure on myself to accomplish great things today, my first day "alone". I bartered out my usual Thurs-afternoon massage, which loosened my tense spine enough so I could then visit the chiropractor, & bear for him to lay his hands upon me... (2 wks ago, my back was so tight & painful he could accomplish next to nothing) Then a trip by the gym to knock out another 3 mi - felt SO GOOD w/most of the range of motion back in my lower spine! I felt like charging across town to make the Thurs-PM yoga class, but decided to come home for a quiet evening, sitting w/my feelings instead. My ride season drifts before me like a great unopened present, a pulsing vortex of possibility - wanted to plan a trip to MS at the end of this month, but w/this recent Wild Winter Weather I'm certain of nothing nowadays.

It feels so odd - can't even wrap my mind around the concept that this is "MY" weekend - all our recent school closures, snow days, juggling work schedules, etc have merged into what feels like an absolute maelstrom, above which I teeter on my tightrope.

"My life had a tendency to spread, to get flabby, to scroll and festoon like the frame of a baroque mirror, which came from following the line of least resistance."

"When you're young, you think everything you do is disposable. You move from now to now, crumpling time up in your hands, tossing it away. You're your own speeding car. You think you can get rid of things, and people too - leave them behind. You don't yet know about the habit they have, of coming back."

-- Margaret Atwood

** Yeah, thanks for asking, but I'm still stuck on my High Plateau; as I've mentioned previously, can't out-train a sloppy diet!

Be Careful What You Ask For...

Monday, February 14, 2011

Hmmm, felt fairly SUBDUED here lately, SparkFriends - a buzzkill combination of stress/anxiety/guilt coupled w/a glimpse of my Dark Side offered in a cyber-friend's mirror...

Maybe I should never have put things out there, leaving myself vulnerable - but that's the risk ain't it? If you solicit advice, not all of it may be 100% supportive, helpful & kind.

"...if you died in 6 months is this how you want to have lived? Angry all the time? Fighting all the time?

This is the boy’s father and you cannot change that. You are wasting your life in the divorce wars. You are wasting your youth. Your son will not appreciate it – He will see you as someone who is aggressive yet plays victim. You are in a psych-drama replayed with everyone in your life until you work on your relationship with your self – listen to what your inner voice is saying to you about your self. You need to be alone to hear that voice. Change that self talk with constant affirmations. Get with yourself – re-parent yourself –remember what your parents modeled about conflict – how they showed you conflict behavior – you need to change what you know they did wrong – you need to change that in your self.

Physically love yourself – love that wounded child and talk out loud to her. Get anti depressants as a last resort for a short time ( a year) if you cannot let go of this continual back and forth fighting on your own. Because you are not just wasting your own youth – you are not just letting what your ex control you --- you are setting a bad example for Z – You are just like his father – a mirror of his father. He is absorbing how to handle conflict from your behavior and he will repeat it in his own relationships. You and your ex are cursing his life."

CURSING HIS LIFE; I think that's a bit harsh. Ah well, you know what they say about opinions ;-)
MY opinion (there again, just knowing this person via what I read on her blog) is that she has obviously never had children or had to fight for their welfare after a divorce. I could NEVER stand by the wayside, leaving Z to fight his own battles while I "parent myself". (Guess it doesn't help that I LOATHE all that inner-child doublespeak. I think my inner child needs a good swift kick in the rear most days, or at the very least a pep talk - not a hug & a cookie!)

Running away is not an option. Conflict avoidance is not an option. If you can't tell from my angst over being stuck on this plateau for almost ONE SOLID YEAR, I don't handle failure well either. I will do the best I can, but I NEVER want my son to doubt that he has at least ONE parent who will look out for his best interests.

The Measure of Success

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Feel like tapping on the glass: "Hello, anybody out there?"

But it's true, blogging is cheap therapy - almost as cheap as aerobic exercise! Today was a hard push: 2 mi of half power-walk, half "slog" but I credit myself for sticking to the training program! We'll see if it pays off in a new PR in next month's half...

These past few days of introspection have me wondering what truly IS my measure of success? With this recent unpredictable weather, no (horse) training time, & deciding to upgrade my rig (shiny new Ford diesel truck bought last weekend) - I probably pissed off another friend when I emailed her to decline hauling to this big ride in MS; it was just feeling too uncertain to me. (She has yet to reply) Of course there's no reason she can't load her OWN rig & go by herself, other than the fact she hates long hauls... Can't save the world chica!

The fact that my son's 1st karate tourney of the season (after all I've done to insure his ability to compete) falls on weekend-after-next (same as ride) just cemented my decision...once again, my own wants/needs seem to fall secondary, but that's just another fact of life to This American Mom.

Things will either come together for Baraq & I this ride season or not; in the meantime we keep moving forward.

Another Blank Stare...

Monday, February 21, 2011

..so to speak, as I drag myself up to start another week, feeling ALMOST as tired as when I went to bed last night... UGH!

I am convinced chronic sleep deprivation is a very very large factor tipping my lil' seesaw, which is driving me C*R*A*Z*Y w/its slow oscillations back & forth... Seems like I could not rest this time until I seesawed all the way back up to my starting point!

But now I no longer have the lame excuses of the holidays, my birthday, etc & whining here about real problems such as refusing to address sleep issues w/hubby (it's no good when I awaken @ 1:45 AM to his snoring), and the lovely LOVELY fact-of-life which is ongoing conflict w/ex (if he just seemed on ONE SINGLE SOLITARY OCCASION to take his son's wants/needs into consideration, I could use that as a building block for a hopeful foundation w/son... As it is, when we have a school holiday today, & ex refuses to bring Z to karate team practice - refuses to allow me to even come pick him up! what can I say to my son except, "I'm sorry, honey - Mommy tried!")

Back to issues w/the current spouse - Jenn struck a nerve when she mentioned sex-drive issues w/her hubby, that's been a chronic problem w/mine... He didn't seem to understand that I couldn't maintain that honeymoon period indefinitely! It's settled down now** (actually we had discussed the possibility of scheduling a lil' romance last night, but instead chatted for a while, sedately holding hands until Hub pleaded off bcz he had to get up extra-early for work! I can't say I was completely devastated either) Anyway, I know in my case at least, that I have the least patience for my spouse's traits which are a mirror of my own:

Slovenliness? OMG! but how can I b!tch about the disaster in P's home office, when my kitchen is not much better?

How can I have any sort of meaningful discussion about changing diet/exercise habits when I keep on see-sawing back & forth over this same damned 5-lb range for the past year?!?

Obviously I need to remove the plank from mine own eye, but I can't seem to find the tweezers...

**I can't say whether that's a consequence of age/maturity, whether he finally accepted my proposal of Quality over Quantity, or the fact that at the ripe ol' age of 45, Hubs is taking 3 medications for BP/triglyceride regulation?... There have been some mild performance issues at times, let me discreetly put it that way.

Another Good Quote...

Monday, February 21, 2011

“Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, the power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless.” — Salman Rushdie

In a way, it was a relief to get back to work after my hectic weekend... Burning up the highway on both Sat & Sun: on Sat to go down & shop some horse trailers, but Sun I reserved a slice of "Me" time to venture forth & meet some on-line friends in person (we studied the map & tried to pick a mtg place which was more-or-less an equidistant drive for all of us, worked out to a little under 2 hrs for me).

I'm such a nerd; I was so excited that I arrived 15 min early; the parking lot of Applebee's was still completely deserted. (We set up an 11 AM time to get there ahead of the church crowd.) I probably dominated the conversation - at least it FELT like I was babbling; so nice to be able to speak w/out self-censorship! When I told a condensed version of my divorce story, I was half gratified & half ashamed by my friends' shocked reactions...

I didn't want them to feel like I was just fishing for sympathy. Unfortunately neither one of them has been married or had children (although one has assumed custodianship of her late-teen nephew), so in many ways it was if I was dictating experiences from some strange foreign land... Why wouldn't you just LEAVE? Why wouldn't you call the cops? etc etc...

It's like I have tried to explain to my son: believe it or not, your father SEEMED to be a Nice Guy when I met him, fell in love & married him! He did change (for the worst) over the years; I can't really explain how that happened? I don't want him to be The Catastrophic Event around which the rest of my life revolves; but until I raise my son successfully into adulthood I am stuck dealing w/him...

& for the latest in self-sabotage: This morning I was sleeping WELL for a change, but apparently when I set my alarm clock last night I accidentally pushed the time forward an hour! I thought I felt unusually tired (what is WRONG w/me? I slept pretty good!) & the sky seemed dark, but I didn't recognize until I climbed in the truck that it was actually 6:30 AM.
Ugh! of course by then it was too late to crawl back into bed - I think that only works for teenagers - so I used this precious slice of time to update this blog & check email...

(I'm happy to report that my friend sent me a cursory reply so I guess she's still "speaking" to me.)

There have been hints of spring, despite yesterday's cold front - so I'll use that as a springboard to push AWAY from my decent poor decisions & keep moving onward.

Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Technical Difficulties

Suppressed Anger...

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I got up around 7 bcz I was no longer sleeping, so what was the point of lying in bed? (I crashed last night a little after 11 PM, just couldn't endure any more of the senseless movie Hubs had plugged in!) Actually got a fairly-decent night's sleep, although as usual I was up @ 4 AM to empty my bladder, & have a few vague memories of hearing isolated episodes of snoring from Hubby...
I wanted to grab this tiny isolated slice of "Me Time" this AM, enjoying the (relative) peace & calm before even my Sunday is off to a roaring start. (As I type, I can hear the bird teasing the dog & Qubie my donkey has seen lights in the house so he's brayed a couple of times for his breakfast - so it's never COMPLETE peace n' quiet!)
I'm frustrated bcz once again, despite yesterday's PERFECT weather, Z sloughed off on riding w/me - I just didn't have the energy to force him. We went out to the Ft Worth Stock Show which gives me a mixture of fond & not-so-fond memories: I USED to take my Burro Boys for the Donkey & Mule show... We were never serious competitors but we still had a lot of fun. However, over the yrs the competition got bigger, dragged on longer & was no longer as enjoyable. I really wanted Z to be able to participate (they have lead-line activities for the youngest riders & really do encourage youth participation), yet it seemed most of the time the events were scheduled on my non-custody weekends... It was just no longer worth the investment of my limited free time & ever-decreasing, closely marshaled energy resources.

(I'd rather wear myself to a frazzle doing an endurance ride, thank you very much.)

I was looking for an old show photo of Qube & I w/his cart, but instead happened upon this photo of Z attempting to tame a wild pony on the moors - our summer '04 UK visit!

My MIL booked me a spot on this "Barn-to-Pub" hack - if she knew nothing else about me, she knew I was MISERABLE, having to go two weeks w/out riding! A very generous gift from her - I really didn't want her to spend that on me, but she insisted so I tried to accept graciously. (Of course there's nothing like riding your own horse, but a 2-hr plod on a rented cob was better than nuthin'!)

& addressing my anger issues - there's no point to this frustration; my busy life is what it is - I'm already obligated to church & sponsoring a freeze-branding session at my clinic this afternoon, w/rain threatening today there'll be no time to ride... & probably no gym visit either; I just have to deal w/it. Things don't always work out the way I've planned.

All or Nothing Thinking

Monday, January 31, 2011

...Is certainly my downfall; I have this dreadful habit of chucking all good intentions out the freakin' window when things don't go "MY" way...

I truly feel like a Sandwich Generation-person, since all of last weekend seemed to be devoted to son, parents, & Making Other People Happy. That should give me some warm fuzzy feelings instead of the treacherous resentment that now seeps into my soul... It seems to be a Long Damn Time until my next ride (end of Feb).

Maybe I expect too much of people - gotten deeply hooked on the convenience/immediacy of email communication; it mildly pisses me off when so-called friends don't reply. Guess I need to lower those ol' expectations, eh?

Missed out on last weekend's Long Run (I SHOULD have done another 6-miler), so today I mashed things up w/a combo "Easy Long Run". Only had time for 4 mi, but that was better than crouching sulkily in my office. It's funny; I know some people say they have strong emotions stirred up by their runs. Generally that hasn't been the case for me, but today I could very easily have wept as I cranked up the speed a little (a whopping 4.8 MPH) for that last quarter-mile. Time is flying by; I'm going to have to act as Enforcer if my boy doesn't put in at least a bare-minimum base of training for our half - no one knows better than ME how you can slough off yet still manage to struggle through! But I would like it to be an ENJOYABLE experience for him rather than a death march...

There's so much I WANT to do w/my boy, yet precious little time. I've tried not to let my weight interfere w/active pursuits w/him (there are some hideous rock-climbing pictures from the '08 Alaskan cruise we took w/my parents; I ought to post THOSE for motivation!) - & as always, the damnable visitation schedule disqualifies us from a LOT. I'm hazily plotting out a nice trip for us over Spring Break since it's "MY" year; of course that has to include a ride, but hopefully also a trip back to the coast so my old friend J can meet my boy.

Snow Days...

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

...Doesn't take much to shut down bidness here in N Texas! (most of us don't have a CLUE how to drive on ice)
I'm still decompressing from yesterday's stress: despite the winter storm bearing down upon us, Ex insisted on picking Z for regularly-scheduled Mon night visitation. (let me try to give you a compressed history, dear SparkFriends, which will help explain why I've had such a hard time "moving on" after my divorce almost 12 yrs ago...)

Most middle-aged men lose their heads (ahem, both of 'em!) to younger women & abandon their families; mine took a different route instead, taking up w/a woman 10 yrs older than himself (making her 14 yrs older than Yours Truly). While I can't claim we were BFF, we WERE social acquaintances & riding buddies which made their actions even more treacherous - ANYWAY!

Obviously they are still together - S, however, never formally divorced her husband, & he was killed in his private plane 18 mos ago (under suspicious circumstances IMO; I spoke my piece to the NTSB investigator & in the end it was written off as "pilot error")

Mon night our mini-ice storm hit; school was canceled. I crept into work Tues AM & called M shortly after 10 AM to set up a mtg place so I could pick Z up...
"I'm not getting out in this weather!" was his exact quote, so I said Fine, I'll come get him... (This from the man who spent his teenage yrs in CO)
I don't know if M thought I would chicken out or give up??? but to make a long story shorter, it took me a little over 2 hrs. I called again from Forney & tried one more time to see if he would meet me @ the Tractor Supply in Terrell - No! - so I said Open your gate, I'll be there in about an hr.
I pull into the Circle J, get out to clear my windshield & start kicking some of the ice balls off the Kia (handles very well in the ice BTW) - S comes out on the porch & starts hollering at me: "He'll be out in a minute! He'll be out in a minute!"
I got tired of hearing this refrain - I was bundled up & the cold wasn't bothering me, but I hollered back: "There's nothing wrong w/my hearing!" but apparently there was w/S's bcz SHE KEPT HOLLERING AT ME. Finally I grabbed Z's big winter coat & marched over to the porch - can you believe b!tch stood in my way & snapped: "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME IN THIS HOUSE!"
M opened the door to call off his b!tch & said, "It's OK, S - Val, come on in!"
She backed up all the way in front of me - it wasn't like I was planning to come in for coffee & shoot the sh!t, I just wanted Z to put on his coat before he walked out in those 50 MPH winds. M said that Z was getting dressed - apparently he didn't tell him UNTIL I ACTUALLY GOT THERE.
Again, I guess he thought I wouldn't do it?!?
But at least seeing The B!tch that up-close & personal made me feel REALLY YOUNG, HEALTHY, & VIGOROUS! I have avoided being w/in 10 ft of her these past few yrs, & let's just say she's NOT aging well. I was getting a really bad vibe in that trailer house (I really wanted to make a comment about how the mighty have fallen, but seriously, seemed like B!tch was getting ready to completely snap!) - I don't know if it's bcz M hasn't married her yet or what?

But Z was incredibly happy to be "rescued" & has taken to calling me The Best Mommy in the World - I need to record this for our next disagreement ;-)
It took us almost 2 hrs to get home - although highways had clear lanes by the afternoon, traveling wasn't bad. Only had 1 minor instance of an 18-wheeler almost running up my a$$ on I-20.

Today we enjoyed our "snow morning", then cruised on into town to go to the gym & work for a few hrs (roads mostly clear w/only patchy ice)...

Hopefully things back to near-normalcy (whatever that means ;-) tomorrow.

Any Wonder I'm Stressed?

Friday, February 04, 2011

Ya know what? I got nuthin' today, SparkFriends...

So I'm just posting Ex & my latest email exchange this fine wintry morning... Last night he called multiple times to demand being able to pick up Z @ 8 AM "since school has been canceled, we revert to holiday schedule..." I quit answering the phone bcz I figured fair's fair - after all, I didn't pick Z up until almost 3 PM on TUES, that means M should pick Z up FROM MY HOUSE @ 3 PM today! Why should I drive anywhere to meet him for his convenience?

Of course, this was all rendered a moot point by last night's snowfall; we got 5" here & our road is completely impassable - I DID try! (My associate made in over to the clinic w/her 4WD) But then I log onto this computer & find this sh!tty email which I immediately replied to:

(Me:)

??????????????? What on earth is the matter w/you????????????????????

I'M NOT BLOCKING YOUR ACCESS TO ZACH; WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MAJOR WINTER STORM!!!

School has been closed all week, we got 5" of snow last night, Sugar Ridge Rd is completely impassable. I couldn't get up the first hill past our driveway.

Zach needs to attend his Mon afternoon karate sessions; he enjoys this routine. I will do everything in my power to allow him continued participation in these martial arts which he truly loves & excels at besides; I cannot believe you would even THINK of taking that away from him!

Why don't we take this up in session w/Otis or the mediator to see what an impartial 3rd party makes of this.

Yours truly,

Val



Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2011 09:00:08 -0600

Subject: Getting back on track...

Valerie,

I'm disappointed that our attempts at working amicably on our Zach visitation have once again broken down. It is my opinion that you have violated our court ordered visitation agreement on two counts. First, by refusing to allow me access to Zach by phone when I tried to reach him last night. Second, by refusing to allow me access to Zach at the stipulated time for my scheduled weekend visit.

And so I think we should do as we have successfully done in the past when we encountered difficulty with our visitation and return to managing according to the exact details spelled out in our court ordered agreement. I had hoped that allowing you and your parents to spend additional time with Zach each Monday afternoon and evening would build some goodwill between but it doesn't seem to have. Beginning this Monday, 7 February 2011, I will be picking up Zach directly from school when it dismisses each Monday afternoon. Please let your parents know of this change so that there is no confusion on their part.

I am hopeful that this will make things simpler for both of us as we will once again be simply abiding by the exact terms of the agreement that we worked so hard to put together.

Please let me know when you intend to give me access to Zach for my scheduled weekend visitation.

Thanks,

M

SOB called me about 10 AM (before I'd read this) & made some asinine comment about enjoying driving on snow more so than ice! & I wished him good luck... Let's hope he slides off in the ditch or gets flattened by an 18-wheeler en route, shall we? (certainly not after he gets my child in the car)

I wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all last night if I hadn't taken half a sleeping pill - I could visualize SOB parking himself at my gate first thing in the AM; too bad I don't have a back way outta here! This gives me flashbacks of all the crap that went down during our divorce - may have to "blog down memory lane" this weekend...

Now I'm off to enjoy my last slice of "snow day" time w/my boy. (It was REALLY funny watching the Chihuahuas try to navigate in the snow!)

Backsliding

I seem hell-bent on an "even" 10-lb regain as The Moment of Truth approaches (I've already made a public vow to reset my weight counter to its true value tomorrow, New Year's Day).
Oughta go back for "oil check" with therapist as to why these self-destructive impulses never fully vanish - I won't even give "real keto" a try, even with all the evidence gathering that it CAN in fact, reset your brain & solve your obesity problem.

Sleep Hygiene

Friday, January 28, 2011

Thanks to all my wonderful SparkFriends for their input about my sleep probs...

Bottom line, I'm just going to have to sit down w/Hubby & have one of **THOSE** serious talks - if I don't start getting a better night's sleep, we're going to have to have separate sleeping arrangements!
This morning I feel a little bit more well-rested, although I was up @ 1:45 AM thanks to bladder. Dozed fitfully for the rest of the night - it would be cruel, after all, to wake Hubby each time the sound of his snores penetrated my earplugs...

I already practice fairly stringent sleep hygiene: I've read all the helpful hints about going to bed/getting up at set times (w/the result that my husband thinks I'm INSANE to get up so early on the weekends), keeping the bedroom only for sex & sleeping (& I'm sure not as much of the former as Hubby would like but mea culpa; as I mentioned previously w/my combination of insomnia & menopause, my sex drive has gone missing), having a set nighttime routine, etc...
What seems to help most of all is if I can get in a few yoga stretches/poses - I don't even have to go thru a full asana (love my "Candlelight Yoga" DVD but rarely have the time to do the whole 50-min routine).

Most frustrating of all is trying to calm my racing, anxious thoughts - esp on a day like yesterday when practically NOTHING went as planned!

It was a perfect culmination/symbol of "My So-Called Day Off" yesterday when I stepped in a fresh puppy-turd last night... After cleaning up, I went & poured myself a big glass o' wine! Guess I should count myself lucky that it was my bare foot (eeeeew!) instead of my shoe, which I could have tracked halfway across the carpet before noticing?!? I didn't make it by the gym for my 1st session of "Speedwork", & once more my son bailed out on accompanying me to yoga class.

Better luck today I hope.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Oh girlfriend I am so with ya on the sex, menopause, sleep thingy. Actually we started sleeping in seperate rooms like 6 years ago. I just couldnt sleep with the earth shattering snoring. He was pissed at first but tough dodo. My quality of life was going down the tubes. I NEED SLEEP! Plus now that this season of life is upon me I spend the night (1) throwing off the covers then (2) putting them back on. Repeat steps one and two for 8 hours! I laugh but only because you have to find humor in life or else. Truth be told it sucks!


Monday, December 30, 2019

Self-Destructive Impulses

...seem to fill my soul as I can barely button my blue jeans this AM. I seem determined to make it an even 10-lb regain for Auld Lang Syne!

Pushing It...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Feels like a supreme effort, just getting through this holiday week! Silly me, I had PRESUMED w/hubby & son gone, I would have PLENTY of time to finish up my Xmas shopping, even straighten up the house & finish putting up decorations...

(unfortunately, it stopped me dead in my tracks last week, when I got out my box of the kiddos' Xmas stockings - my biggest display is everyone's personalized stocking, hung on the upstairs railing - & there was my poor ol' Wynk's "Tevis & 3K" stocking right on top. I lost Wynk @ age 25 last Jan, a sudden & unexpected family tragedy)

It also didn't help a bit that the bird was following closely behind me, detaching stockings from their hangers as fast as I could hang 'em up! So obviously I must come up w/a bird-proof method of display... Mango, you are NOT getting a stocking this year! (Mango is our Goffin cockatoo; a new addition to the family this year. Initially I felt very sorry for her owner upon having to surrender her, but in the wake of all her destruction/noise, not so much anymore!)



That's not Mango, just a Googled image! Still haven't found that damn camera data cable...

Anyway, all hell has broken loose this week at work (so why am I typing a blog entry in the middle of the afternoon? thank GOD I had a couple of cancellations so I can catch my breath!) - once again, I barely had time to race out & grab a quick bite to eat, no time for the gym... I'll count this as a "taper" for tomorrow's Jingle Bell 5K.

I realized as I took a few deep breaths over lunchtime to de-stress, that I'm really tired of everyone making DEMANDS on me. In that case, I obviously selected the wrong career. All I can do is manage to keep things at a slow boil. No wonder I suffer from chronic fatigue these days!



But here come what I HOPE will be the final surge of afternoon appointments - back to work you slacker!

Easing Back In...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

...I really wanted to title this "Compulsion", bcz I HAVE felt an overwhelming urge to break for the gym these past few days - so then why did I waste time surfing around on my computer, leaving myself w/only a 30-min "special" today??!!??

Oh well, 25 min on the elliptical was good for a little stress relief. Hopefully I can knock out 5K tomorrow. Truly amazing how helpful it is to me, just to type a few words on this screen.

Hard to describe the sensation, it's like a low-speed crash as my body releases the tension that has built up when my boy is away for any length of time. My energy level crashes & all I want to do is crawl home & hibernate. Yet we are trying to cram as much "fun" as we can into our limited family time for this second week of Xmas break - w/a trip to Six Flags (Mon), a couple of movies ("True Grit" yesterday, "Tangled" w/my friend's younger children Sun afternoon), & yes! a ride this weekend...

(Wish my boy would show a little more enthusiasm for anything except curling up w/his OWN laptop - like mother, like son I guess!)

The Best Thing about Coming Back to Work...

Monday, January 03, 2011

...was at least being able to log onto work computer & create a new blog entry!

For some reason, home computer locks up every time I pull up this window, or try to leave comments on friends' blogs... (So sorry folks, don't take it personally!)

But I came across this terrific comment when I had a lil' free time earlier to surf around:

"...Like you, I feel that people have the right to choose how they live their lives, and these girls (and some boys, let's not leave them out) have made their choice. What does bother me is when someone makes a choice and then goes off and complains constantly about it. You have to make up your mind. Either you're going to make a choice and it will be the right choice for you, and you can be happy with it, or you're going to make a choice, realize it's not for you, and do something to freaking change it. Don't sit there and piss on me and tell me it's raining. I'm not gonna buy it. Sure, we all have made poor choices in our lives, but most of us realize they're poor choices and then go about finding a way to change it, or fix what we have done to make our world, and sometimes the world of those around us, better.

I think I would rather enjoy the big ol' crockpot of beef stew that is cooking, my cup of coffee (with creamer!) and the occasional cookie, rather than run around like a chicken with its head cut off worrying about calorie intake and excess adipose (which still makes me think of Dr. Who). If you don't want to enjoy it with me, then that's your choice, but please don't complain to me that you can't enjoy those things simply because of the calories. I will have to kick you repeatedly."

I weighed in this AM @ 213.5, a net gain of 1.8 lbs. I'll take it - in years past I have racked up 5 - 10 lb gains over the holidays as a matter of course. I'm not bothering to reset my ticker unless it hangs on past the end of this week. The only thing that saved me this year I'm sure, are the miles I pounded out on the TM...

Time to put up or shut up, baby.

Forever Young

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Well I still haven't cleaned out my car to find my camera data cable & post the poor-quality pix I took of myself last month at the gym, but I was actually pleasantly surprised by this FB photo taken at last weekend's ride - I look SO YOUNG!

(in a lot of recent photos, I look very tired, washed out, & exactly like the middle-aged mom that I am!)



I'm not looking at the camera, grinning like a fool down at my awards plaque & eek! helmet hair to the max!!! - actually I was proud of our overall achievement, since I had the pleasure of shepherding my son through his 1st 50-mi event last Saturday!


I'm still shaking my head in mild disbelief: I'd been dreaming of the day when Zach would ride his first 50-miler w/me, somehow it kept receding into the indistinct future after Z lacerated his spleen (May '08), his darling lil' mule Midge ruptured her suspensory (Mar '09), and I seemed increasingly unable to lure Z away from the siren songs of electronic entertainments (computer, XBox, PS3) & the martial arts...

But last weekend, I was by God GOING to our long-running TX ride, after vague plans to journey to AZ, combining a family visit w/a 3-d ride in Scottsdale fell through (don't ask)... I packed w/ill-concealed resentment, having pre-registered Z & I for 2 d of LD (25 mi) rides as he bemoaned his fate, being dragged away from his renewed devotion to WoW - more proof of the power of advertising; Z was heavily involved in WoW last spring & summer, but his interest had waned by fall so I canceled his account. Apparently when he was visiting his dad, Z saw the new ads for "Cataclysm" & came home begging for reinstatement...

[Yes I recognize that I could have refused, but in for a penny, in for a pound could be my motto - we already had invested a couple of hundred bucks in software last year; why not "begin again" for the mere pittance of $13.99/mon??]

Anyway, as I endured Z's litany of complaint (aren't I looking forward to his teenage years!?!) as we hauled to the ride Friday afternoon, I put forth this proposal to him: since we ARE, in fact, going to horse camp, like it or not (!!!), you can either ride 2 days of LD as planned, or ride a 1-d 50 w/me & we can go home early Sun morning. I couldn't believe he took the bait!

Our success last Saturday basically confirmed all my pet theories about overtraining (i.e. most endurance riders - all except ME of course, ha ha! - are guilty of it) - Champ has basically been a pasture ornament since his last competitive event, the Armadillo ride in October, and you would never have known he's been off work! As usual,he gave Zach a fabulous ride - since I was sponsoring 3 juniors (Z, Maddie, & her friend Chris), I spent most of the ride bringing up the rear, shouting at them to "Slow down!" - quit loping through that deep sand!

(**Hence the dirt ingestion)

Unfortunately Chris's mare developed a hitch in her get-a-long (HQ cramp) & had to withdraw after our 2nd loop, there again most likely due to too MUCH loping in aforementioned deep sand. I was very proud of the rest of my crew - Champ's successful completion allowed us to shake off all the snide remarks about "yaks", "water buffaloes", and "wooly mammoths" - esp since Sat night all I had to do was curry him out & his long hair enabled him to go unblanketed, unlike our shivering Arabs...

Now my '11 ride season takes its first tentative steps towards my ultimate goal (Tevis buckle, 7/16/11), even though our TX ride schedule appears embarrassingly sparse. Next goal => a 100-mi Mississippi ride at the end of Feb... At first I was distressed that both of my main training rides (this MS one & the MO ride over Easter weekend) conflict w/"Zach" weekends, but now I am filled w/faint hope that he might actually accompany me on my quest?

Hope springs eternal, indeed!

"Gather the crumbs of happiness
and they will make you a loaf of contentment."

The Hate-Loss Challenge

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Came across this as I aimlessly surfed some blogs (or NOT so aimlessly, hmmm Herr Docterr??) - the Hate-Loss Challenge:

"During the whole month of January, 2011, I am vowing to make a resolution to have pride in myself – no matter what size I am, each and every day. January will be the month that I set in motion a healthy habit to rid my vocabulary of words that aim to destroy my self-esteem. By the end of January I hope to have set a permanent pattern as I continue to feel better about my value, importance, and place in this world.

Rules: At least once a day I must attempt to use one or more of these words in my vocabulary about myself and mean it: strong, courageous, beautiful/handsome, better, unique, remarkable, confident, conditioned, fascinating, pleasing. I will say the words out loud. I will listen to how they sound as they are defining me!

Extra credit: mind-blowing, wicked-hot, awe-inspiring, sexy, sensational.

Off Limits: Words I will not use: failure, undeserving, incompetent, lazy, no-good, fat, unattractive, sloppy, defeated, unworthy.

One Final Thought: It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to have off-days, but I won’t let those thoughts consume me. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and never, ever let my weight define me again."

All very cool concepts, although the positive self-talk will be a big stretch for me... I'm too accustomed to talking to myself like a muleskinner (i.e. GET MOVING, GET OFF your ass, DO SOMETHING YOU SLACKER!!!)

I also have a true philosophic argument w/continually & exhaustively defining myself as "sexy" - I paraphrase another comment from someone noticing in our hyped-up, oversexualized culture - how we are expected to always be rarin' to go, the odd exception in the entire mammalian kingdom which generally has a season & an appropriate time & place for such things... Ah well, I'll save the radical feminism for another lecture emoticon

I DO want to continue to practice "Being Nicer to Myself" in '11... Meanwhile I'm going to go back to admiring my awards plaque from last weekend's ride while waiting for ride photos (the photographer got a decent shot of B-boy & I as we trotted past in high gear; it's a shame my shirt is billowing out around me like a parachute but we were riding into the wind after all! I have managed to improve my posture & riding position, hopefully making things a little easier on both myself AND my horse!)

Detox Day...

Sunday, January 09, 2011

...was yesterday; I KNEW I shouldn't have indulged w/that 2nd margarita Friday night!
It left me while not exactly "hungover", nevertheless feeling bloated, tired & run-down yesterday without the motivation to do what I needed to get done... Here it's taken me all friggin' weekend just to get my few measly Xmas decorations put away!
Overall, this has been one of my most disorganized & ill-prepared holiday seasons ever. I sent out no cards & didn't even put out the Lenox nativity set which is my pride & joy... I'm not much into such fancy things, but I cherish each & every piece of that set, most of which I collected over the years as gifts from mom, grandma, & yes, even 1st husband!
(my 1st piece was the precious lil' white donkey - who loves ya, Qubie?!?)

That's not Qubie, that Zach riding our TWH filly Scarlett last fall - I was just LOOKING for a good recent photo of Qubie!

While this is our House Bunny Serenity - this just reminds me to take camera out & get some new pix of Qubie...

Zach & Midge at his 1st "real" 25 mi ride, May '06
Oh well, you folks are always telling me you want to see MORE PHOTOS!

All this does is remind me of the tremendous organizational challenge I face - hundreds of digital photos which I need to categorize & put in some sort of working order...

Duties & Obligations

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Aha! Found that 1st-wk-of-Nov entry about my "friend":

www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
ge_public_journal_individu
al.asp?blog_id=3775782


(Funny thing is, I had stomach upset on THAT day as well!) Just goes to show me, I need to track my digestive trigger foods a little better... What does it prove when I continue to abuse myself w/foods I know damn good & well are going to make me miserable?!?

Anyway, faced w/another minor challenge: last week I heard from an old undergrad college chum of mine**. She's about 20 yrs older than me, which would put her in her upper 60's now - one of those middle-aged women who completely changed her career path & LIFE when she went BACK to school... About the only thing she DIDN'T discard was her husband, for which I greatly admire her. (It was challenging; I would like to think I helped her work her way through several marital crises even though what the hell did I know? I was a snot-nosed 19 - 21 yr old! mostly I think I functioned as both a shoulder to cry on & a good drinking buddy ;-)

**Actually her husband called me; could it have been shame or mere stubbornness that would keep J from admitting the severity of her current condition?

A brief but all-too-typical history: J & I each achieved our undergrad degrees, I was accepted to vet school, had a whirlwind romance & married my 1st husband, went off to College Station & our formerly inseparable status as BFF's withered to the occasional phone call, letter or Xmas card... J accepted a teaching position & moved to the TX Gulf Coast.

The last time we actually saw each other face-to-face was in the winter of '92, when 1st Hub & I were building our house! We probably have not spoken by telephone since shortly after P & I married 8 yrs ago... (Horrible friend ain't I? but of course it takes two to tango as well as two to disengage don't it?)

This weekend I honestly had planned to accomplish great things in re-organization at home, but feel obligated to get on down there while J & I can still enjoy each other's company. (She's recovering from secondary complications after breast cancer surgery - & I've learned to pay attention to my intuition. This may be "now or never"; I won't have any more 3-d weekends coming up, & Spring Break may be too late.)

Tempo Run...

Friday, January 21, 2011

I was spooked** to see that heading as it cropped up in my Runner's World Smart Coach program... What tempo?

Waltz, cha-cha, foxtrot, dirge, funereal march???

**52 days to train, but of course I'm already lagging behind w/the program; haven't done any of the long runs suggested which is why 5 mi seemed so intimidating...

A 15:29 pace was suggested, w/a 1 mi warm-up & cool-down - aha, that only translates to 3 mi of "real" running... I can do this!

Actually cut myself down to 0.5 mi warm-up, since golly, a 15:29 pace is just a fast walk/very slow jog. (I usually switch my gait when I pass that 4.0 MPH mark) Once I warmed up, I set the TM @ 4.2; on most of my other (shorter) runs I generally pace out @ 4.4 - 4.6 MPH - yes, now you know how pathetically slow I truly am!

I was distracting myself as I usually do w/trash TV, but it was more of a mental obstacle than a physical one: once I got past those 1st 3 mi, I knew I was going to make it. I could start enjoying the sensation of my feet spooling past those rubberized treads on the Woodway TM as I concentrated on my breathing, my posture, & my form (stretch upwards - I'm bad about slumping! - lean forwards, increase my cadence).

Those 74:20 min went by quite rapidly. A pleasant meditative interlude; can't wait to do it again! (Sun, long run of 6 mi)

Last Sun, I rolled out while visiting my friend on the coast (good times all around, BTW) for an early-AM walk/jog down to the big pier (2 mi away) & back. Another good one although I was taking it easy on my creaky R knee - I should be incredibly thankful to be out & about; my poor friend (& former companion on many long hikes) can barely make it across her own living room without taking a break... Light drizzling rain, although a little moisture wasn't going to hurt me! I think we saw a grand total of maybe half an hour's sunshine all weekend, but after all I wasn't there to soak up the beach, but instead my friend's sorely-missed company.

Slow Down & Keep Going

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I have made no other momentous decisions lately (still need to process last weekend's pleasant reunion w/my old friend), but I HAVE decided to just "shut up & do it" insofar as following my SmartCoach program...
So this AM I buckled down to do my first "long run" = 6 mi
Rec pace was 17:29, so of course I had to push it a little - wound up averaging just over 4.1 MPH.
Too damn cold this AM, so I headed to a new gym (had to take my boy to the E side of town for his SAT - geez, I didn't get to take it until I was a sophomore in HS, but he qualified in 7th grade as part of the Duke talent search program - the only child in his class who did!) - a facility less than half the size of my usual gym... It only had 5 Cybex TM's, & 3 of those were out of order!
The place was filling up as I slogged along, so I took a potty break after 60 min (it's as high as the time would go anyway), thinking someone might be waiting for their turn to pound the deck...
However, no one had stepped on, so I wearily re-mounted & finished out my 6-mi trek in just under 88 min... There was some pain involved - my R knee tweaked alarmingly a few times around the 4-mi mark, but then subsided. I kept on telling myself that old Marine adage :

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

Stagnation...

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I typed this title almost 4 hrs ago & with many interruptions later, it seems counter-intuitive!
(I've hardly been STAGNATING here in my office today)
I'm sick & tired of staying stuck in the almost exact same place from which I started 9 mos ago - whoa, insert profound quotes about gestation here, verdad?!?
Yet I seem incapable of making any true lifestyle adjustments, aside from my rescue strategy of much more regular exercise...
Hard to figure me out sometimes!
I want to let go of the obsession about something which seems to be out of my control (at least from a practical/logistical standard) - NO, I'm not going to log in every damn morsel of food I consume, nor do I plan on living the rest of my days on meager balanced rations, like someone's inbred halter horse!
(Maybe show dog is a better analogy; after all judges prefer most halter horses to be FAT!)
I know a large part of my rotten mood is the inadequate SLEEP I've been subsisting on for several mos now - quite honestly, since Hubby lost his job & has been at home! (He snores like a freight train so separate bedrooms may be in our future.)
Next-to-impossible for me to lecture him about taking care of his OWN health (he's put on a noticeable amount of weight w/the stress of his career path over this past year) when I am far from the shining example I would LIKE to be...
Pot, meet kettle!
In the meantime, I'll quit whining & at least get in a gym visit. Who am I to complain when my poor receptionist just stopped by, she was diagnosed w/advanced lung cancer a couple of wks ago. They are pursuing an aggressive treatment plan, but she has lost an alarming amount of weight; things don't look good in my humble clinical opinion.

Quote of the Day

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"No matter how hard you try, you cannot out train a sloppy diet."

Feels strange to take a Day of Rest today, but my R knee is creaking alarmingly, so I figure I better give it a day off...
Unfortunately this adds to my anxiety about the many inappropriate things which I have consumed this week. Can I blame it all on stress? when I can't hit the gym, my only means of self-soothing seems to be oral satisfaction (hey, you! get your mind out of the gutter; w/my recent menopausal symptoms I haven't had any dadgummed sex drive either)...
My godmother's middle son (age 55? I think) suffered a mild heart attack last weekend; he was in & out of the hosp w/emergency angiography/stent implantation before I even had a chance to break free & visit him! (Hosp Sun, released yesterday) Since they have lost their only daughter to lung cancer almost 2 yrs ago (age 57), I would hate for my godparents to suffer another loss.
Not to mention it's also an unpleasant reminder of my own mortality; a reminder to concentrate on what's important & try to do the things I want to while I still can!
(Thanks to LUV4CHOCOLATE for recent inspiration; maybe I **CAN** train for a marathon after all!)