...to Trazodone! I knew that was a bad idea from new doc's first mention - but even 25 mg fucked me up GOOD, I'm STILL groggy now at 1 PM! But I had to have SOME sleep, strung out between disinterested husband, depressed mother, manic son...
Timely Post
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
When I saw the title of that "Best of SP" email this AM, I knew it was targeted directly at me: "It's Time to Step Away From the Scale"
C'mon, you idiot - it's a foregone conclusion that your Master Plan is going to be disrupted between Z's Confirmation, Valentine's Day, not to mention your BIRTHDAY coming up next weekend! So do yourself a favor & quit hopping on & off those scales when the opportunity presents itself (home bathroom scales, cruel clinic scales, unreliable gym scales).
I was mildly horrified when I took the poll ("How often do you weigh yourself?") & saw current results showed that 41% weighed DAILY, 22% weighed a few times per wk (my category), 21% once a week, 11% once or twice a month, & 4% of blessed souls said they NEVER weighed. I shouldn't be too terribly surprised - after all, despite the fact that SP purports to be about "health", I'm sure if another poll were tabulated, upwards of 99% of us are trying to lose varying amounts of WEIGHT! It stands to reason most of us are obsessed by those fickle numbers on the scales.
(For instance, a pleasant surprise for me on Mon - my gym has moved to a new location, they hooked up those selfsame unreliable scales that logged me in @ 146 lbs a few wks ago !?!?!? - I stepped on 'em to reveal a wt of 209.2... I don't believe it for one second, not when I'd weighed in NAKED on home scales @ 210.6 last Fri morning, & had pretty much thrown dietary caution to the winds all weekend!)
But at least seeing that Middleweight number was good for my ego & has helped get me back on track. Now if I could just line up a few decent nights of SLEEP while keeping my Ex out of my subconscious (after all these years, WHY is he back front & center?!? working out a few issues, aren't we??? Plenty of material there for future posts) - no telling what I might accomplish...
C'mon, you idiot - it's a foregone conclusion that your Master Plan is going to be disrupted between Z's Confirmation, Valentine's Day, not to mention your BIRTHDAY coming up next weekend! So do yourself a favor & quit hopping on & off those scales when the opportunity presents itself (home bathroom scales, cruel clinic scales, unreliable gym scales).
I was mildly horrified when I took the poll ("How often do you weigh yourself?") & saw current results showed that 41% weighed DAILY, 22% weighed a few times per wk (my category), 21% once a week, 11% once or twice a month, & 4% of blessed souls said they NEVER weighed. I shouldn't be too terribly surprised - after all, despite the fact that SP purports to be about "health", I'm sure if another poll were tabulated, upwards of 99% of us are trying to lose varying amounts of WEIGHT! It stands to reason most of us are obsessed by those fickle numbers on the scales.
(For instance, a pleasant surprise for me on Mon - my gym has moved to a new location, they hooked up those selfsame unreliable scales that logged me in @ 146 lbs a few wks ago !?!?!? - I stepped on 'em to reveal a wt of 209.2... I don't believe it for one second, not when I'd weighed in NAKED on home scales @ 210.6 last Fri morning, & had pretty much thrown dietary caution to the winds all weekend!)
But at least seeing that Middleweight number was good for my ego & has helped get me back on track. Now if I could just line up a few decent nights of SLEEP while keeping my Ex out of my subconscious (after all these years, WHY is he back front & center?!? working out a few issues, aren't we??? Plenty of material there for future posts) - no telling what I might accomplish...
Adrift
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I can really relate to what I've read in several SparkFriends' blogs about this being a safe place, a lifeline, a haven...
I finally took a deep breath & asked my DH this AM how much weight he's lost (it really showed in his torso when I observed him walking across the room to meet me last night)... My emotions are a complicated stew of appreciation, jealousy (at how easily it's coming together for him; I'd like to gently shake him for NOT LISTENING TO ME these past couple of yrs since I've been trying to find my ideal dietary regimen!), & shame at my own lack of progress. Needless to say it has for the most part completely extinguished my libido... Most of my passion these days is directed at trying to get a decent night's SLEEP!
Well I'm glad I was able to at least recover half of this post, maybe that was Cyberspace's way of telling me to tone it down!
Anyway, that sly fox wouldn't give me a number; he said "not that much" & claimed what WE were seeing (several other people have noticed P's changes, not just a slightly prejudiced spouse!) was increased muscle mass & "weight redistribution"...
So I did the only thing I could; I dragged him to bed! Both of us (ah well guess I should speak only for myself since HE AIN'T TALKING) had gained enough weight over these past few yrs for it to have adversely affected our marital relations. My rough guess for P is a 20 lb loss ;-)
Hope everyone else is likewise having a great weekend... Better post before something else happens!
I finally took a deep breath & asked my DH this AM how much weight he's lost (it really showed in his torso when I observed him walking across the room to meet me last night)... My emotions are a complicated stew of appreciation, jealousy (at how easily it's coming together for him; I'd like to gently shake him for NOT LISTENING TO ME these past couple of yrs since I've been trying to find my ideal dietary regimen!), & shame at my own lack of progress. Needless to say it has for the most part completely extinguished my libido... Most of my passion these days is directed at trying to get a decent night's SLEEP!
Well I'm glad I was able to at least recover half of this post, maybe that was Cyberspace's way of telling me to tone it down!
Anyway, that sly fox wouldn't give me a number; he said "not that much" & claimed what WE were seeing (several other people have noticed P's changes, not just a slightly prejudiced spouse!) was increased muscle mass & "weight redistribution"...
So I did the only thing I could; I dragged him to bed! Both of us (ah well guess I should speak only for myself since HE AIN'T TALKING) had gained enough weight over these past few yrs for it to have adversely affected our marital relations. My rough guess for P is a 20 lb loss ;-)
Hope everyone else is likewise having a great weekend... Better post before something else happens!
Eff You Mondays!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Well it was a messed-up weekend all the way 'round, so why should it surprise me when sh!t bleeds through into Monday??
I am NOT, in any way, shape or form criticizing the desperately-needed RAIN we've gotten sporadically over these past few wks - most of my fair state is still under drought conditions so we need each & every drop... What I AM questioning is my friends' judgment - why these ride managers rescheduled their rides from May (last year, very pleasant weather!) to FEBRUARY w/its notoriously fickle meteorologic conditions? Sure enough, we've had torrential rains on both of these weekends with disastrous consequences upon ride entries. As my friend Deb texted me early last Thurs AM: "I'm NOT driving 8 hrs to be wet, cold, & miserable!"
However, since clear weather was forecasted for yesterday, I originally planned to drive out Sat & ride LD (25 mi) on Sun, just to support my friend's event. But heavy rains Fri night ruined the possibility of getting my big trailer out (next project: graveling in the carport extension, where my big trailer lives)!
As I wrote in my FB update: "The Universe decreed a lazy day w/Hubby", so that's what we did... Hit the gym Sun AM (I made myself a protein shake in advance, so no worries ;-), went to the movies Sun PM, & finally hit the Korean sauna last night. I'm happy to report that Hubby enjoyed himself; looks like I've made another convert!
kingspa.com/
Hubby had also guilted me into taking my lil' Kia-mobile to the shop to have the check-engine light diagnosed; they informed me it WAS the worst-case scenario, the catalytic converter which set me back about $1200... So it isn't as if I had any discretionary funds to siphon off in the fuel tank of my truck ANYWAY. So it especially rubbed me wrong when that light blinked back on this AM on the way to work (I was going to get the darn thing inspected today, but the service mgr told me I had to drive it a few mi first - hey, kid, that's NO PROBLEM in my life!)
Just one more obstacle to scale, eh?
I am NOT, in any way, shape or form criticizing the desperately-needed RAIN we've gotten sporadically over these past few wks - most of my fair state is still under drought conditions so we need each & every drop... What I AM questioning is my friends' judgment - why these ride managers rescheduled their rides from May (last year, very pleasant weather!) to FEBRUARY w/its notoriously fickle meteorologic conditions? Sure enough, we've had torrential rains on both of these weekends with disastrous consequences upon ride entries. As my friend Deb texted me early last Thurs AM: "I'm NOT driving 8 hrs to be wet, cold, & miserable!"
However, since clear weather was forecasted for yesterday, I originally planned to drive out Sat & ride LD (25 mi) on Sun, just to support my friend's event. But heavy rains Fri night ruined the possibility of getting my big trailer out (next project: graveling in the carport extension, where my big trailer lives)!
As I wrote in my FB update: "The Universe decreed a lazy day w/Hubby", so that's what we did... Hit the gym Sun AM (I made myself a protein shake in advance, so no worries ;-), went to the movies Sun PM, & finally hit the Korean sauna last night. I'm happy to report that Hubby enjoyed himself; looks like I've made another convert!
kingspa.com/
Hubby had also guilted me into taking my lil' Kia-mobile to the shop to have the check-engine light diagnosed; they informed me it WAS the worst-case scenario, the catalytic converter which set me back about $1200... So it isn't as if I had any discretionary funds to siphon off in the fuel tank of my truck ANYWAY. So it especially rubbed me wrong when that light blinked back on this AM on the way to work (I was going to get the darn thing inspected today, but the service mgr told me I had to drive it a few mi first - hey, kid, that's NO PROBLEM in my life!)
Just one more obstacle to scale, eh?
No Mas, Por Favor
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I keep on shaking my head sadly as I trudge forward, head down as if heading into a blizzard (more like a sh!tstorm), wondering when this crap is EVER going to let up on me...
Doesn't look like it's gonna be in THIS lifetime! I've already whined about sinking a small fortune into my Kia-mobile, but that saga's not ended yet... Yes, you guessed it; I had to put the damn thing BACK in the shop & spend several hundred MORE dollars to get that check-engine light turned off. At least they graciously gave me an inspection sticker under my solemn vow to make my next stop Discount Tires to replace the rear tires (of COURSE they offered to SELL me a couple of new tires, but I've had good luck w/this most recent set from DT; not a single flat!).
So of course the check-engine light was back on Wed night. I called my good friend, the service mgr this AM - my time was already completely spoken for today (what's this nonsense described as 'a day off'?), but he assures me another diagnostic check/repair should be at NO CHARGE! Damn straight, I could have conceivably driven a brand new car off the lot w/that downpayment. So we shall see.
Let's not even get INTO stress-fest w/Ex... I remind all my married friends w/children to please love your spouses, you NEVER want to go through anything remotely related to my experiences. It doesn't matter if you divorce the SOB, if you have children together you are tied together for life. I mentioned to M 10 d ago (at Z's HS interview) that we needed to swap 4th Feb (mine) for 1st Mar (his) - Z is the one who saw the EARTH, WIND & FIRE billboard & wants to go! At the time, M shrugged, said he would check his calendar & let me know. After 8 d, I presumed that silence implied consent, so I bought our tickets before the concert sold out. Let me just copy & paste our exchange:
M: "I do not want to trade this weekend for next weekend since that would take away a long weekend. I didn't realize, and you didn't mention, when you brought this up that Z gets out early next Thursday and has Friday off giving us an extra long weekend."
(He just HAD Z for President's Day weekend, which gave him 3 d... Keep in mind that he will also shortly be getting Spring Break this year, & a 4-d Easter weekend in April...)
V: "I had not looked at school calendar but I ALREADY BOUGHT OUR EW & F TICKETS!!! I presumed your silence implied consent!"
M: "I told you I would check and get back to you. Going forward let's agree that we won't make plans on each other's weekends until we have confirmation back from one another. I get considerably less time with Z than you do and a day matters to me. For many years I have been trading a day away here and a day away there with the understanding that you would give them back to me. Not once have I got one back, not even a part of one for things like a Friday holiday where it would have been easier for me to get Z on that Thursday. Those lost days add up and I'm not willing to keep sacrificing them."
What I WANTED to reply, but did not: As I mentioned, when I didn't hear from you for EIGHT DAYS, I presumed silence implied consent! so I had to buy our tickets before the concert sold out! Z is really looking forward to this; it wasn't even MY idea (he saw their billboard).
(Your time at) Spring Break is coming up shortly, not to mention last weekend's President's Day holiday, & then you will have Easter weekend which will be a 4-d holiday.
Forgive me if I have a had time conjuring up sympathy for an unfortunate set of circumstances which YOU & YOU ALONE engineered.
Poor P then got a virtual earful when I forwarded this hot mess to him, featuring more ranting by Yours Truly: I call BS on his precious short-changed time w/his son... when you add up the "quality time" that really counts, like weekends & holidays, he gets the majority bcz of all the GD 5th weekends! The majority of what I get is the daily slog of getting him back & forth to school w/all his accoutrements... you know, the sh!t work - the unpaid, underappreciated labor that moms do, day in & day out. I don't resent one bit of anything I've ever done for my precious son; what I DO resent is this flaming a$$hole trying to p!ss on my leg & tell me it's raining!
I'll let you know how things turn out, but I'm not risking contact where I might surely lose my temper until this weekend swap is safely behind us... Only 52 more mos until my boy turns 18 (I know even then I won't be free of him, but at least Z can tell him "No Mas!" himself.)
It would be different if Z ever seemed to look FORWARD to being w/his dad, but every time I hear his lament. (This weekend, for instance, Z asked if there's a ride - I said No, & he was disappointed bcz that means She Who Shall Not Be Named will be home; at least last weekend she was away part of the time, getting rained on in E Texas!)
Doesn't look like it's gonna be in THIS lifetime! I've already whined about sinking a small fortune into my Kia-mobile, but that saga's not ended yet... Yes, you guessed it; I had to put the damn thing BACK in the shop & spend several hundred MORE dollars to get that check-engine light turned off. At least they graciously gave me an inspection sticker under my solemn vow to make my next stop Discount Tires to replace the rear tires (of COURSE they offered to SELL me a couple of new tires, but I've had good luck w/this most recent set from DT; not a single flat!).
So of course the check-engine light was back on Wed night. I called my good friend, the service mgr this AM - my time was already completely spoken for today (what's this nonsense described as 'a day off'?), but he assures me another diagnostic check/repair should be at NO CHARGE! Damn straight, I could have conceivably driven a brand new car off the lot w/that downpayment. So we shall see.
Let's not even get INTO stress-fest w/Ex... I remind all my married friends w/children to please love your spouses, you NEVER want to go through anything remotely related to my experiences. It doesn't matter if you divorce the SOB, if you have children together you are tied together for life. I mentioned to M 10 d ago (at Z's HS interview) that we needed to swap 4th Feb (mine) for 1st Mar (his) - Z is the one who saw the EARTH, WIND & FIRE billboard & wants to go! At the time, M shrugged, said he would check his calendar & let me know. After 8 d, I presumed that silence implied consent, so I bought our tickets before the concert sold out. Let me just copy & paste our exchange:
M: "I do not want to trade this weekend for next weekend since that would take away a long weekend. I didn't realize, and you didn't mention, when you brought this up that Z gets out early next Thursday and has Friday off giving us an extra long weekend."
(He just HAD Z for President's Day weekend, which gave him 3 d... Keep in mind that he will also shortly be getting Spring Break this year, & a 4-d Easter weekend in April...)
V: "I had not looked at school calendar but I ALREADY BOUGHT OUR EW & F TICKETS!!! I presumed your silence implied consent!"
M: "I told you I would check and get back to you. Going forward let's agree that we won't make plans on each other's weekends until we have confirmation back from one another. I get considerably less time with Z than you do and a day matters to me. For many years I have been trading a day away here and a day away there with the understanding that you would give them back to me. Not once have I got one back, not even a part of one for things like a Friday holiday where it would have been easier for me to get Z on that Thursday. Those lost days add up and I'm not willing to keep sacrificing them."
What I WANTED to reply, but did not: As I mentioned, when I didn't hear from you for EIGHT DAYS, I presumed silence implied consent! so I had to buy our tickets before the concert sold out! Z is really looking forward to this; it wasn't even MY idea (he saw their billboard).
(Your time at) Spring Break is coming up shortly, not to mention last weekend's President's Day holiday, & then you will have Easter weekend which will be a 4-d holiday.
Forgive me if I have a had time conjuring up sympathy for an unfortunate set of circumstances which YOU & YOU ALONE engineered.
Poor P then got a virtual earful when I forwarded this hot mess to him, featuring more ranting by Yours Truly: I call BS on his precious short-changed time w/his son... when you add up the "quality time" that really counts, like weekends & holidays, he gets the majority bcz of all the GD 5th weekends! The majority of what I get is the daily slog of getting him back & forth to school w/all his accoutrements... you know, the sh!t work - the unpaid, underappreciated labor that moms do, day in & day out. I don't resent one bit of anything I've ever done for my precious son; what I DO resent is this flaming a$$hole trying to p!ss on my leg & tell me it's raining!
I'll let you know how things turn out, but I'm not risking contact where I might surely lose my temper until this weekend swap is safely behind us... Only 52 more mos until my boy turns 18 (I know even then I won't be free of him, but at least Z can tell him "No Mas!" himself.)
It would be different if Z ever seemed to look FORWARD to being w/his dad, but every time I hear his lament. (This weekend, for instance, Z asked if there's a ride - I said No, & he was disappointed bcz that means She Who Shall Not Be Named will be home; at least last weekend she was away part of the time, getting rained on in E Texas!)
Three Strikes
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Today is a beautiful spring-like day, anticipated high of 62 degrees, & all I hope is that my friend Lucy is having a great ride in MS (weather was forecasted to be great there too).
This makes THREE rides I've missed out on in this hideous month; let's just hope March is mo' bettah! I'm sitting here on the couch w/iPad, stealing a lil' R & R time w/puppies before I have to go put in a lil' work (making a house call for my friend to vaccinate her entire crew: 3 horses, 1 llama, 2 dogs, & a cat... The rabbit, fortunately, requires nothing, I've already spayed her! ;-)
Still feel like crap from aftereffects of this week's disasters. Would you like to know the weight of a week's worth of insomnia & stress? That would be 2 lbs! Of course I know this isn't "real"; I know I haven't consumed a surplus of 7000 kcal, and the most obvious answer is to STAY AWAY FROM THOSE DAMN SCALES for a while as so many of my SparkFriends have learned.
I said what needed to be said to DH: my feelings were deeply hurt by the fact that he never called me back after yesterday AM, not a text, not an email, nada! He stammered out an apology, but then made his escape from the house (still working like a Trojan clearing brush & fixing fence). I should cut him some slack - all that & I expect sensitivity & caring?!? I just feel so very isolated; I TM'd P last night to tell him I was hitting the gym & would be late. I owed my training program 5 mi, but only knocked out 3.5. My L knee gave a nasty twinge about halfway through that distance, & I thought it best not to push it.
On my drive to the feed store this AM, I held my phone sadly as I realized that there was NO ONE I could call who might have A.) a clue, not to mention B.) a care about how I'm feeling. So after a while, I set it down again. My best therapy will have to wait until tomorrow, when I am RIDING no matter what!
I wound up granting Ex an additional weekend in Apr as "compensation" for my trade-off for the EW & F concert (in answer to yr q, the concert is out of town so swapping n' trading part of the weekend would not work); my heart is heavy at the prospect of losing even MORE precious time w/Z, but that just means we'll have to Carpe Diem that much harder...
This makes THREE rides I've missed out on in this hideous month; let's just hope March is mo' bettah! I'm sitting here on the couch w/iPad, stealing a lil' R & R time w/puppies before I have to go put in a lil' work (making a house call for my friend to vaccinate her entire crew: 3 horses, 1 llama, 2 dogs, & a cat... The rabbit, fortunately, requires nothing, I've already spayed her! ;-)
Still feel like crap from aftereffects of this week's disasters. Would you like to know the weight of a week's worth of insomnia & stress? That would be 2 lbs! Of course I know this isn't "real"; I know I haven't consumed a surplus of 7000 kcal, and the most obvious answer is to STAY AWAY FROM THOSE DAMN SCALES for a while as so many of my SparkFriends have learned.
I said what needed to be said to DH: my feelings were deeply hurt by the fact that he never called me back after yesterday AM, not a text, not an email, nada! He stammered out an apology, but then made his escape from the house (still working like a Trojan clearing brush & fixing fence). I should cut him some slack - all that & I expect sensitivity & caring?!? I just feel so very isolated; I TM'd P last night to tell him I was hitting the gym & would be late. I owed my training program 5 mi, but only knocked out 3.5. My L knee gave a nasty twinge about halfway through that distance, & I thought it best not to push it.
On my drive to the feed store this AM, I held my phone sadly as I realized that there was NO ONE I could call who might have A.) a clue, not to mention B.) a care about how I'm feeling. So after a while, I set it down again. My best therapy will have to wait until tomorrow, when I am RIDING no matter what!
I wound up granting Ex an additional weekend in Apr as "compensation" for my trade-off for the EW & F concert (in answer to yr q, the concert is out of town so swapping n' trading part of the weekend would not work); my heart is heavy at the prospect of losing even MORE precious time w/Z, but that just means we'll have to Carpe Diem that much harder...
Day 8
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Might as well start over... as I pat myself on the back for an 8-d streak of making myself protein shakes for breakfast. (I must say, half a frozen banana adds a wonderful creamy texture, almost like soft-serve ice cream!)
I have ALMOST painstakingly clawed myself back down to Middleweight status (well, according to gym scales today, I was 210 lbs fully clothed, but I await confirmation from home scales on Sat for an accurate & balanced evaluation)... I wish that each small increment of weight loss no longer triggered that defensive overeating response; why can't I simply keep my eyes on the prize like so many fellow Sparkers?
Hubby is looking more & more like a slightly-more-mature version of that cute younger guy I fell in love with 11 yrs ago, but let's not detour down that path of why gray hair & wrinkles can be "distinguished" on a man while they're hideous badges of old-crony-ism on a woman!?!?! I'm doing my best not to begrudge his success; I know he's worked darn hard too. (One of his major goals is to discontinue or reduce his BP meds... maybe my dismay that a man 2 yrs younger than myself has lined up 3 prescriptions for insidious threats like hypertension & high tryglycerides finally sunk in??)
The stress/strain of last week's tense negotiations w/Ex are gradually receding - with renewed irritation as I study the school calendar: SOB will also be getting an extra day on 3/09 since an in-service day starts off their Spring Break; how dare he berate ME about his "limited" time w/his son?!? (as noted previously, I have a had time conjuring up sympathy for an unfortunate set of circumstances which HE & HE ALONE engineered.)
I have tried to bolster my enthusiasm for my self-improvement journey oh so many times by telling myself, "Living Well is the best revenge!"...Nothing would give that evil man more satisfaction than seeing me overwhelmed by my health issues (best case: my death, but almost as good would be decline/defeat - obesity**, failure of 2nd marriage, death of my parents to whom I'm very close, etc). I refuse to give him that satisfaction.
**I think Ex was just as horrified by the fact that I gained WEIGHT after my thyroidectomy (which I subsequently have been unable to lose), as the fact that I had CANCER, for God's sake! How messed up is that?
I have ALMOST painstakingly clawed myself back down to Middleweight status (well, according to gym scales today, I was 210 lbs fully clothed, but I await confirmation from home scales on Sat for an accurate & balanced evaluation)... I wish that each small increment of weight loss no longer triggered that defensive overeating response; why can't I simply keep my eyes on the prize like so many fellow Sparkers?
Hubby is looking more & more like a slightly-more-mature version of that cute younger guy I fell in love with 11 yrs ago, but let's not detour down that path of why gray hair & wrinkles can be "distinguished" on a man while they're hideous badges of old-crony-ism on a woman!?!?! I'm doing my best not to begrudge his success; I know he's worked darn hard too. (One of his major goals is to discontinue or reduce his BP meds... maybe my dismay that a man 2 yrs younger than myself has lined up 3 prescriptions for insidious threats like hypertension & high tryglycerides finally sunk in??)
The stress/strain of last week's tense negotiations w/Ex are gradually receding - with renewed irritation as I study the school calendar: SOB will also be getting an extra day on 3/09 since an in-service day starts off their Spring Break; how dare he berate ME about his "limited" time w/his son?!? (as noted previously, I have a had time conjuring up sympathy for an unfortunate set of circumstances which HE & HE ALONE engineered.)
I have tried to bolster my enthusiasm for my self-improvement journey oh so many times by telling myself, "Living Well is the best revenge!"...Nothing would give that evil man more satisfaction than seeing me overwhelmed by my health issues (best case: my death, but almost as good would be decline/defeat - obesity**, failure of 2nd marriage, death of my parents to whom I'm very close, etc). I refuse to give him that satisfaction.
**I think Ex was just as horrified by the fact that I gained WEIGHT after my thyroidectomy (which I subsequently have been unable to lose), as the fact that I had CANCER, for God's sake! How messed up is that?
Auto-Intoxication
Monday, March 05, 2012
(not the GOOD kind either ;-)
I wanted to title this: "Self-Sabotage", but I've previously used that... Guess I could go into Lucas**-like episodes: Part I, Part II, etc, etc...
We spent this past week trying desperately to cram in as much "FUN" as we could to safeguard ourselves against upcoming deprivation over Spring Break. I'd for the most part report unqualified success, even though today I'm tired & cranky, grateful for God's gift of CAFFEINE! Also detoxing from poor nutritional choices last weekend...
On Friday we journeyed up to the Earth, Wind & Fire concert - all I can say is WOW! it was fantastic, worth every bit of the frustration/aggravation/stress required to secure this priceless slice of Mommy & Z-time. I will refer back to this record when I have to render my pound of flesh, giving M back that extra weekend in April (don't ask me to explain; I know I don't "owe" him anything, it should have been an even trade, but he bullied me into it). I justify myself since it falls on a 2-d riding weekend, & I know it would have been a struggle to convince Z to ride even ONE of those days w/me... & who knows, it could very well turn out like Nov's ride, where I am asked to "work a day, ride a day". We'll see how it all shakes out.
**Sat night, P took us to see "Red Tails" which was good but in retrospect, we were pushing it a bit too hard! Z was getting his models ready for the Sun Warhammer tournament, so when we got home, we spent some fun-filled family time staying up late, helping him daub primer on a bunch of Orks...
Sunday, Z was anxious to "get there early", only to find out that they don't open until noon - w/45 min to kill, we wound up at the Krispy Kreme doughnut shoppe. Z really enjoyed watching the production line (it had been years since we'd taken him), but I found out the hard way that you cannot fuel a workout on pure sugar w/a generous portion of fat. (Hey, I only had two, but that was obviously TWO too many!) I hit the gym after I got Z settled in at his tournament, trying to fulfill my training schedule of 6 mi, but only made it 2.5, feeling like Krap! Arlington is my old stomping ground (I attended undergrad courses here, allowing me to save money by living at home), but I burned out on retail therapy & returned to the comic book store for the last couple of hrs of the tournament. But I still managed to embarrass my son ("Mom, why did you have to TALK to everyone?!?") even when I mostly kept to myself, reading a book in a luxurious slice of Me Time.
Today's been better, although I was too short on time to hit the gym over lunchtime - hunger pangs won out! I surf paleo & primal websites, obsessively scouring their success stories for helpful hints... One young woman made a point of saying that what she eats today determines how she performs tomorrow. In my case, it's similar - my choices have both an immediate as well as a delayed effect. All I can do is dust myself off & continue onwards.
I wanted to title this: "Self-Sabotage", but I've previously used that... Guess I could go into Lucas**-like episodes: Part I, Part II, etc, etc...
We spent this past week trying desperately to cram in as much "FUN" as we could to safeguard ourselves against upcoming deprivation over Spring Break. I'd for the most part report unqualified success, even though today I'm tired & cranky, grateful for God's gift of CAFFEINE! Also detoxing from poor nutritional choices last weekend...
On Friday we journeyed up to the Earth, Wind & Fire concert - all I can say is WOW! it was fantastic, worth every bit of the frustration/aggravation/stress required to secure this priceless slice of Mommy & Z-time. I will refer back to this record when I have to render my pound of flesh, giving M back that extra weekend in April (don't ask me to explain; I know I don't "owe" him anything, it should have been an even trade, but he bullied me into it). I justify myself since it falls on a 2-d riding weekend, & I know it would have been a struggle to convince Z to ride even ONE of those days w/me... & who knows, it could very well turn out like Nov's ride, where I am asked to "work a day, ride a day". We'll see how it all shakes out.
**Sat night, P took us to see "Red Tails" which was good but in retrospect, we were pushing it a bit too hard! Z was getting his models ready for the Sun Warhammer tournament, so when we got home, we spent some fun-filled family time staying up late, helping him daub primer on a bunch of Orks...
Sunday, Z was anxious to "get there early", only to find out that they don't open until noon - w/45 min to kill, we wound up at the Krispy Kreme doughnut shoppe. Z really enjoyed watching the production line (it had been years since we'd taken him), but I found out the hard way that you cannot fuel a workout on pure sugar w/a generous portion of fat. (Hey, I only had two, but that was obviously TWO too many!) I hit the gym after I got Z settled in at his tournament, trying to fulfill my training schedule of 6 mi, but only made it 2.5, feeling like Krap! Arlington is my old stomping ground (I attended undergrad courses here, allowing me to save money by living at home), but I burned out on retail therapy & returned to the comic book store for the last couple of hrs of the tournament. But I still managed to embarrass my son ("Mom, why did you have to TALK to everyone?!?") even when I mostly kept to myself, reading a book in a luxurious slice of Me Time.
Today's been better, although I was too short on time to hit the gym over lunchtime - hunger pangs won out! I surf paleo & primal websites, obsessively scouring their success stories for helpful hints... One young woman made a point of saying that what she eats today determines how she performs tomorrow. In my case, it's similar - my choices have both an immediate as well as a delayed effect. All I can do is dust myself off & continue onwards.
Resisting Tempation...
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
...I only WISH I were referring to the dietary ones! Instead, I'm referring to bypassing the scales for a few more days, giving this past week's indiscretions a chance to fade away.
I have seemed bound & determined to erase every bit of progress I made on the Winter Challenge, w/a little surplus baggage to boot! Yet I was greatly inspired by a blog post from MICLWILDE as I went through some of my old emails:
www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
ge_public_journal_individu
al.asp?blog_id=4740301
Guilt-free foods, indeed. "Feeling guilty about eating is tragic. It's self abuse. I don't care if you just polished off 9 boxes of Oreos and a gallon of ice cream, feeling guilty about it is just adding emotional abuse on top of physical abuse."
Can I get a great big AMEN to that! I can't explain why I've been driven to punish myself w/non-nutritious junk like DONUTS for God's sake, when I haven't eaten 'em regularly for literally YEARS?!? Maybe it's residual guilt sneaking up behind to hamstring me in the aftermath of wrangling w/Ex... It's exhausting, it's debilitating, it always leaves a mark.
"Your challenge is to adopt an attitude that says, "I don't need your permission to stop abusing myself. I don't need your permission to retain my dignity and nurture my self esteem." (I can easily recall that sneer on M's face, the self-righteous smirk when he condemned me for overindulging - you would think those painful memories would be enough to halt these repetitious sprints back up the scales - but obviously I'm still purging that bad juju!)
Sometimes I feel like the only thing I'm training are my sweat glands - it was a hard push to force myself back to the gym today, but after the 1st ten minutes, the sweat started to flow & I settled into my routine (very slow) pace. I could have kept on going much farther, but I only had 35 min...
All it took was a light drizzle of rain today to keep the crowds away from the gym (one drawback of the new location is the fact that it's RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from the high school; some days it's hard to find a treadmill!) But there was no problem picking out mine today; the scattered trail of sweat droplets on the belt marked it well as I made my way back to wipe it down. Question: do you wipe down your equipment before as well as after?!? Guess I'm just not that fastidious - I only wipe it down AFTER I've sweated all over it...
I have seemed bound & determined to erase every bit of progress I made on the Winter Challenge, w/a little surplus baggage to boot! Yet I was greatly inspired by a blog post from MICLWILDE as I went through some of my old emails:
www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
ge_public_journal_individu
al.asp?blog_id=4740301
Guilt-free foods, indeed. "Feeling guilty about eating is tragic. It's self abuse. I don't care if you just polished off 9 boxes of Oreos and a gallon of ice cream, feeling guilty about it is just adding emotional abuse on top of physical abuse."
Can I get a great big AMEN to that! I can't explain why I've been driven to punish myself w/non-nutritious junk like DONUTS for God's sake, when I haven't eaten 'em regularly for literally YEARS?!? Maybe it's residual guilt sneaking up behind to hamstring me in the aftermath of wrangling w/Ex... It's exhausting, it's debilitating, it always leaves a mark.
"Your challenge is to adopt an attitude that says, "I don't need your permission to stop abusing myself. I don't need your permission to retain my dignity and nurture my self esteem." (I can easily recall that sneer on M's face, the self-righteous smirk when he condemned me for overindulging - you would think those painful memories would be enough to halt these repetitious sprints back up the scales - but obviously I'm still purging that bad juju!)
Sometimes I feel like the only thing I'm training are my sweat glands - it was a hard push to force myself back to the gym today, but after the 1st ten minutes, the sweat started to flow & I settled into my routine (very slow) pace. I could have kept on going much farther, but I only had 35 min...
All it took was a light drizzle of rain today to keep the crowds away from the gym (one drawback of the new location is the fact that it's RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from the high school; some days it's hard to find a treadmill!) But there was no problem picking out mine today; the scattered trail of sweat droplets on the belt marked it well as I made my way back to wipe it down. Question: do you wipe down your equipment before as well as after?!? Guess I'm just not that fastidious - I only wipe it down AFTER I've sweated all over it...
Heartburn...
Friday, March 09, 2012
...is a better title than "Chest Pains"; my SparkFriends might be dismayed! (don't worry folks, I'm not being cavalier w/my health - that series of initials behind my surname does mean something. I know the difference between true & false angina)
www.triggerpointbook.com
/angina.htm
Now you just need to tell me: "Doctor, heal thyself!"
I let my coat flap open as I walked into the cold wind, since that did seem to ease my chest pains somewhat. I keep seeing the defeated look in my boy's eyes as he climbed into his father's truck this morning. I know we'll both get through this - myself easier than my boy, since I have upcoming Ride Trips to distract me; the burning question is WHY??? For literally YEARS I've been looking forward to Z's teenager-hood, when I thought he would gain some small measure of autonomy in this damnable visitation schedule. This is no longer the case in our great State of Texas. (It's whatever the divorced parents agreed upon; M can file contempt of court charges against me if I try to "interfere".)
So off & on over this past week, I've been troubled by chest pains, insomnia, nightmares... I should be full of congratulations for myself, wrestling my weight back down to "almost-Middleweight" status considering what must be the astronomically high levels of cortisol coursing through my system! Fight or flight, indeed.
This has veered off in an entirely novel direction, which is often the case w/my rambling writings... I'm better off closing this down & trying to post in a new & different, more optimistic vein later.
www.triggerpointbook.com
/angina.htm
Now you just need to tell me: "Doctor, heal thyself!"
I let my coat flap open as I walked into the cold wind, since that did seem to ease my chest pains somewhat. I keep seeing the defeated look in my boy's eyes as he climbed into his father's truck this morning. I know we'll both get through this - myself easier than my boy, since I have upcoming Ride Trips to distract me; the burning question is WHY??? For literally YEARS I've been looking forward to Z's teenager-hood, when I thought he would gain some small measure of autonomy in this damnable visitation schedule. This is no longer the case in our great State of Texas. (It's whatever the divorced parents agreed upon; M can file contempt of court charges against me if I try to "interfere".)
So off & on over this past week, I've been troubled by chest pains, insomnia, nightmares... I should be full of congratulations for myself, wrestling my weight back down to "almost-Middleweight" status considering what must be the astronomically high levels of cortisol coursing through my system! Fight or flight, indeed.
This has veered off in an entirely novel direction, which is often the case w/my rambling writings... I'm better off closing this down & trying to post in a new & different, more optimistic vein later.
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