Beholden

 An uplifting post from one of my colleagues in my single-mom vet group has me feeling even more depressed… she has continued remodeling her house & farm, concentrating on herself and raising her young men instead of trying to jump back in the dating scene or holding unending resentment against her ex, who, in typical fashion, is enthralled with his new honey & ignores his sons. (My first attorney really thought my ex would fade off the scene also, instead of weaponizing the custody struggle against me. I always seem to get that special case scenario!)

At any rate, wallowing in my own regrets is counterproductive - I can’t change the past. Tish is absolutely right - I need Peran right now, so now is not the time to instigate any upheaval in our relationship. While I don’t like the fact that he’s turned into “the man of stone”, at least he’s HERE, helping me with the critters, doing some mowing & maintenance work around the farm. It ain’t much but it’s all I’ve got.

Tomorrow I go back to Texas Oncology for my overdue scans, and a couple weeks after that I’ll have a follow-up with my new physician to see if she has any grand schemes for diagnosis and treatment of my long Covid symptoms… The Moderna booster she talked me into exacerbated my pericarditis (even though I don’t have an official diagnosis - my stress echocardiogram was normal -  everything falls in line with this) As far as I can tell, the only cure is tincture of time - I’ve more or less given up on my Chinese herbal concoctions. However,  I did order another enzymatic supplement and some ginkgo biloba. I’m tired of waddling around feeling like a bloated walrus, but my G.I. symptoms seem to be improving (I’m taking another probiotic formula) I know I would be best served by cutting out all the refined sugar but I’ll fight you for these minor pleasures.

Another workday towers before me like that ominous tidal wave from “Interstellar “.

This is long and rambling.. but bear with me

I got off FB over a year ago because my divorce lawyer made me sign I would..

I really didn’t miss it at all other than feeling a bit isolated.

No one texts/ calls/ or bothers to check on anyone anymore. I’m guilty too. I felt SO alone and isolated.

I got back on here to see my ex ( we were married 21 years) saying he was in a relationship 6 months after divorce final.. with ALL the family and friends congratulating him!! For being in a f’ing relationship for a month?? So are they congratulating him for being rid of me?

Not one of our ‘church’ family( I was a member 21 years and never missed many Sunday’s..) checked on me. Not once!! Not even the pastor who knew what happened.

I lost faith in people, in my faith, in everything other than our profession and my sons.

I also learned my neighbor around the corner shot herself 2 weeks ago. They were in a divorce. She was an Army veteran and dental hygienist. Her kids same age as mine ( 16 and 18). I cried ugly. That could have been me.

Now I’m left with the house we built 20 years ago. He goes off to a new life, new house, new woman. He’s dictating to his sons when they can come over..( ie don’t bother him while he shacks up with new woman)

I felt all the rage swell up in me.

Then realized that rage was slowly killing me.

I had to forgive and let go.

I searched for podcasts to listen to on long drive to work.. and found an amazing one!!

I’m still learning to forgive.

And the gifts and gratitudes in all this are:

I get to stay in an amazing house where my boys were babies. And I’ll treasure those memories.

I have a new job I love!

I’m renovating my house exactly how I want it!!! Oh the freedom!!

I’m out of a crap marriage and I can’t wait to find someone who will truly love.. ME!

I learned to drive a tractor and bush hog my land!

I was on live TV and lived to tell the tale!!

I took my boys to see Def Leppard, Joan Jett, and Motley Crue ! So fun!!

I dug and built this walkway all by myself

I choose hope, joy, and gratitude. And I’m sorry for all the months/ years wasted wallowing in the pit of self pity.

I mourn my neighbor. I hope I always remember her and reach out to those hurting.

I’m thankful for this group as I learn to be single again after 22 years.

Here are pics of my in the process renovation and my precious sons.

Divorce has been the hardest thing I’ve gone through.

Here’s hope to anyone not feeling it right now

There’s light ahead!!

Just Pix

 

                    An amazingly artistic shot of Cindy’s granddaughter (taken by Pedro)

                                                         Striding out Saturday morning

           I’ve reversed the images of us crossing the creek, but they took too long to download!

Many Moving Parts

 My life feels like one of those intricate interconnected “busywork” machines - a lot of plates to keep spinning, or bowling pins to juggle!

In an ironic case of the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing, TXDoT is bringing increasing pressure to bear to get me out of my clinic, way before the verbal agreement I had with the engineering firm which was October 30th. I just emailed the attorney who helped me broker this final deal, but who was not present when we actually signed off on the paperwork - it seems so simple and straightforward, neither one of us thought he was needed! But now I understand why some people get in a frenzy to sue-sue-sue! I would like to sue them for mental distress, for breach of contract, for lost income, you name it…

I’m picking up the mobile unit August 24, but the surgical trailer won’t be ready until the end of September (and that’s presuming everything stays on schedule). I plan to strip out all usable items from the clinic, probably buying one of those shipping containers to use as temporary storage. In typical bureaucratic fashion, the city of Ferris is dragging its heels, so I think I will have to zero in on the workshop property which will need a water source. For the short term I will need a safe and secure place to park the mobile unit & surgery trailer - I may ask for special dispensation to park it off the town square in Ferris so people can find me easier and hopefully won’t have to worry about vandalism.

An all-too-brief but welcome distraction was going to the trail ride last weekend - Mr. Bo performed like a champ outside of a minor problem with being caught when I turned him out in a pen. “3 for 3” - 3 good rides, zero accidents. I was reminded there’s no escape from life‘s problems when one of my roommates was receiving frantic calls from her mother Saturday night about her 86-year-old father, who needs to go on hospice care. I really felt for her, but there was no point to her pulling up stakes & charging home Sat night. She stayed and rode with us Sunday morning -  it turned out she had a blowout on one of her trailer tires on her way home, so it’s a good thing she was not hauling in the middle of the night - these things are  awful enough in broad daylight. 

Bitter Dregs

 … as I learn something new every day! The world has suffered a couple more significant losses: Bill Russell, the great basketball player and Nichelle Nichols, Lieutenant Uhura of Star Trek fame. This week the television station is airing a tribute of the best episodes featuring Uhura: last night it was “Plato’s Stepchildren”, which is on many fans’ lists as one of the worst episodes. Yes it’s cheesy but it has many (in my opinion) touching and heartfelt moments - it happens to be one of my faves and not just for the momentous interracial kiss between Kirk & Uhura.

I never knew until I just looked up the lyrics that the song sung by Spock was actually written by Leonard Nimoy himself and is titled “Maiden Wine”, not “Bitter Dregs”… 

Take care, young ladies, and value your wine

Be watchful of young men in their velvet prime

Deeply they'll swallow from your finest kegs

Then swiftly be gone, leaving bitter dregs

Ahh-ah-ah-ah, bitter dregs

With smiling words and tender touch

Man offers little and asks for so much

He loves in the breathless excitement of night

Then leaves with your treasure in cold morning light

Ahh-ah-ah-ah, in cold morning light

The gigantic dirty snowball rolling downhill from the avalanche of my life continues to bear down upon me, but regardless of all I OUGHT to be doing, I’m going to go to the trail ride this weekend which is not for any points or mileage - just a fun social event at the Shanghai Pierce Ranch near Houston. I have not completed a single endurance event this season, but there is hope as I manufacture the final timeline for shutdown of my Red Oak location: there will be a short pause in operations so I can catch a breather and go to a couple of fall rides. I just have to fine-tune this calendar.

We have blocked off appointments after September 1 - & will probably schedule needed things for sick patients & the like the first two weeks of September, but then I believe we will  metaphorically hang up our “Gone Fishing” sign (for me of course that’s “Gone Riding”!) and take a brief sabbatical as we relocate and hopefully rejuvenate… I cannot see myself continuing to “go hard in the paint” like this for any length of time unless I get to feeling better - It is just NOT WORTH IT! My husband’s gonna have to step up, my son’s gonna have to do the same, and my dear mother needs to get off my back. 

One More Reason Not To Delete FB

 God is not a belief-system.

Jesus is not a religion.

The good news is not a ticket to Heaven.

Church is not an address.

The Bible is not divine dictation. 

Heaven is not eternal Disneyland.

Community is not a meeting.

Ministry is not a program.

Questioning authority is not ungodly.

Woman is not inferior to man.

Being human is not a curse.

Hell is not real. 

Divorce is not the unpardonable sin.

Sinner is not our identity.

Salvation is not eternal fire insurance.

Conformity is not discipleship.

Sexuality is not filthy.

Tithing is not giving to God.

Pastors are not divinely anointed. 

Prayer is not a magic wand.

Theology is not synonymous with truth. 

Loving the earth is not satanic.

Self-actualization is not self-worship.

Faith is not a substitute for critical thinking.

The heart is not wicked.

Self-denial is not holiness.

Jim Palmer

Mired in the Bog

  “Alliteration”: fog, bog as I struggle on

Last night in desperation I took a quarter of a Xanax to quell my anxieties, but then watched the ceiling fan slowly spin to a stop as we suffered a power outage. Our hard-working AC had gotten the house cooled down to about 79 degrees - with ceiling fans churning that’s tolerable, and this held until about 1 AM until the day’s baking heat started to penetrate. Thankfully our power was restored sometime between 2-3 AM, but the damage had been done - another night’s sleep wrecked.

I dragged myself off the mattress a few minutes before 7 AM with a low-grade headache - I’ll finish off my coffee & then I can take some Tylenol & get on with my day. “Answers, we’ve got ‘em” - as lab work indicates that my poor Clarice may have a pancreatic tumor, kind of the last thing I was expecting! At almost 18 years old I was thinking liver or kidneys failing, maybe even a brain tumor?

So now I must decide if this is the kind of tricky surgery I want to try my hand at, or simply pass her over to the surgery center? Until I get this headache under control I can’t think straight - but I do know I can’t give up on a dog who still trying to live, she is eating like a champ!

When I was walking over to the couch to sit down and talk to my husband last night, the rambunctious puppy hit my arm so I threw a glass of tea on him which was fitting, somehow! So after we cleaned up and mopped up (he actually went to shower off because his lap was drenched), we didn’t get to talk about any personal issues, just the logistics of animal care - P is taking Izzy to the surgery center August 12th so she can have the best possible outcome for her knee surgery - I just don’t have that specialized equipment.

Onwards Thru the Fog

 Obviously Zyrtec is a(nother) No Go - my head is a huge foggy balloon this morning; I’m sipping my coffee like the antidote caffeine is for a lot of life’s problems, but I HATE this feeling!

I have tried several antihistamines which are purported to be helpful with long Covid symptoms, but none seem especially efficacious - famotidine at least doesn’t leave me terribly groggy; thank God I only took half a tablet! The last one I’ll try will be chlorpheniramine but I’ll save it for the weekend, not as much of a rush to peel my body off the mattress. Dreams = good**, but this groggy head full o’ mush feeling = horrible!

** and the dreams that I remember were disturbing - some sort of sexually-themed encounter in a return to vet school. At least it featured DH, but another prototypical Val dream of frustration since we couldn’t find any privacy. I was very grateful that I still seemed capable of inspiring P’s lust - I suppose this is residue from the fact that I ALMOST started a conversation with him last night, but once again chickened out… IRL I smooched around on him a bit Saturday afternoon, to which he had ZERO response - hey, at least he didn’t duck or push me away, but he didn’t even lift his hand. My husband, the automaton.

I was also distracted last night by the fact my poor Clarice seems to be in precipitous decline. While she ate a decent portion of her food last night, she kept her rear feet splayed out as she’s having a lot of trouble keeping her balance - P reported having to rescue her twice as she wandered off into the laundry room & got herself stuck behind the door and then stuck beside the washing machine. She couldn’t get comfortable in mommy’s lap last night with an intermittent whine, but settled down when we went to bed. She’ll go to work with me today (as always), where I’ll run some lab work, maybe take an X-ray, but if I can’t keep her comfortable I’ve got to let her go… Funny thing is, I just came across her former foster mom’s contact # in my phone, I almost sent her a photo to let her know my ol’ girl’s still kicking!

Life continues to rush at me hard - meeting my architect & the City of Ferris engineer Thursday morning to hike a  piece of land where THEY would like me to relocate. It may be the proverbial offer I can’t refuse - while I wasn’t really wanting to get into full-scale construction, if I can keep the cost down in a metal building (similar to my little horse-barn clinic now) it won’t be too bad. In the interim we can work out of the mobile unit at a reduced capacity. There is also an existing barn on the property which hopefully can be used for storage - of course I can always buy one of those shipping containers. So many moving parts!

I was working on quarterly unemployment taxes Friday night but I finally had to give up on because my brain just wasn’t working properly - I went by the clinic yesterday afternoon to finish this up where there would at least be peace & quiet. I quite definitely do NOT have the temperament for accounting! I got the federal reports done, but today between appointments I will file the state reports since they said they were due by or on August 1st - nothing like waiting till the last minute…