Minor Victories

 As OKM commented, I must simply continue Putting One Foot in Front of the Other until I get to the end/new starting point of this particularly arduous path. Each morning that I’m able to roll out of bed and keep on keeping on is a minor victory of sorts.

I made it to two days (Friday and Saturday) of the state veterinary conference over in Fort Worth last weekend to fulfill my annual continuing education requirements. Rolling out at 5:30 AM made for extra-long days; I’m just proud of myself for getting it done. Even with many loose ends trailing, we should complete our move-out by tomorrow, at which point I should be able to surrender the keys, sign off whatever additional paperwork the state wants me to sign, and collect my reimbursement for moving expenses. If Hurricane Ian doesn’t veer west, I will fulfill my promise to take my girls to the beach this weekend for a combined minor celebration of jobs well done and Peran and I‘s 20th wedding anniversary.

Who’d have thunk it? At times I never thought we’d make it past 20 months. Much like my first job, it’s either a testament to our good faith or pure stubbornness. I have lined up a pet sitter for this weekend since obviously all my staff is going with us! Clarice continues soldiering on - no way can I give up on her with a consistently good appetite, normal bowel movements and amazingly enough, almost completely returned to her normal mildly obnoxious personality… I even reached out to her former foster mama to see if she would be interested in babysitting - however, the dear lady has retired, which came as a shock to my system. Obviously I’ve been in this game too long!

Zach is bound and determined to move to Irving to be closer to his lady love - I told him one move at a time is all I can handle. I suspect they will be cohabitating, which I have no objections to - Zach admitted  himself that he doesn’t want to live alone anymore.

I’ll have to discuss the travails of Romeo and Juliet later as Alex continues his struggles in Nashville. For now I have temporary had to block him because if there’s one thing I cannot stand it’s being lied to.

Time waits for no Aggie veterinarian so I’ve got to get on with things.

Victoria’s nursing school graduation last month

The Bitter End

 I really don’t know what possessed me to sign up for the state veterinary conference this weekend - there is NO TIME as various obstacles arise before me like Jason and the Argonauts…

The moving crew packed the storage container like a real-life game of Tetris; we are managing a few final things - the computers, the hot water heater and a few boxes from my office. I was absolutely horrified at the avalanche of paperwork I had to clear out - old financial records needed to be burned, a lot of miscellaneous things that I always meant to review and organize, a lot of which I just boxed up and maybe one of these years will get around to it? A whole drawerful of divorce and custody-related stuff - I thought I was keeping it for Zach, but there’s no point in exposing him to that toxicity. I will give it one more review and then burn baby burn! The bitter end, indeed.

I will be meeting my cousin the electrician a little later on today (when he says the word) to evaluate what needs to be fixed so I can get the power back on at the workshop. I don’t know exactly when the fencing crew will get to work and then I just need to pick a date to set the water tank (and call the plumbers to make those connections). No wonder I tossed & turned last night and got up a dull headache this morning.

Clarice is struggling - I keep thinking this is it and then she will rally somewhat, but last night she vomited. I medicated her, she ate a few more bites and kept it down, but this morning she’s got a ragged cough. She’s very weak - I will try to feed her in a moment but this could be the bitter end for her too.

You Can’t Go Home Again

 Summertime weather (high heat and humidity) flared up on us once again, but I was committed to trying my luck in horse camp anyway…

Saturday morning I had to race up into town to serve as my son‘s “emotional support mom” while he fretted, awaiting his girlfriend as she worked her way through her nursing exam. I went ahead and weighed in at Peran’s supplement store for their latest challenge (even though it’s generally counterproductive for ME to participate in such endeavors). 192 lbs, pretty sobering! No doubt in my mind that stress contributes to weight gain - even though **I** haven’t been particularly conscientious (Tex-Mex, cheese and chocolate are my vices), I know Peran has been buckling down, yet the 15 lbs he’s regained stays stubbornly stuck around his midsection. No doubt he will smoke me in this challenge (I’m a week late signing in anyway, it was really just a a way to pass the time).

Victoria emerged shortly before noon; I left the kids to their celebration as I raced back home to load up Mr Bo and proceed to horse camp, about 3 hrs to the south. I found my friend Chris recuperating in her trailer from the sauna-like conditions (obviously I missed Saturday’s ride; I was just there to do the intro ride on Sunday). Completion rates were about 70% for the 50’s and around 60% for the 30 milers on Saturday - I didn’t hang around Sunday afternoon to hear the final statistics for that day although participation numbers were much lower.

I generally look forward to my peaceful evenings in my little horse trailer, but unfortunately the heat and humidity made it pretty miserable until about 2 AM, when it cooled off enough for me to piece together a few hours of precious sleep. The comparison that came to mind was the T-1000 struggling against the pool of molten steel: I tossed and turned and sweated and basically got an entire workout that way. I joked with my friends that if you listened carefully you could’ve heard me  screeching! It was a relief to get up,  rinse off and get moving.

Mr. Bo didn’t seem to be particularly feeling it but we trudged through 11 1/2 miles in a little over 3 1/2 hours for a blistering pace of about 3.3 MPH. We’ve got a ways to go to work up to an endurance pace!

Nevertheless I am exceptionally proud of the first T-shirt for me to earn this season.

John should’ve gotten a decent photo of us crossing this nice new bridge

Z

Last Day (for Realz)

 How I hate that term “detox” being applied to every tonic and therapeutic procedure under the sun, but yesterday I applied my own “detox” in the form of a fast. I have read several anecdotal reports in my long-hauler group of extended fasting’s benefits. 

Let me just say, my body was getting rid of something yesterday - I stumbled through the day extremely fatigued, fighting a low-grade headache which waxed and waned. I broke my fast just shy of 24 hours with a bowl of tortilla soup - but I thought nausea was going to overwhelm me after I ate that first bite of avocado! However, it subsided after a couple of minutes and I finished the rest of the bowl without incident. Today, as we work through our Last Official Day in Red Oak, I will follow a similar one-meal-a-day protocol.

Clarice continues soldiering on - weight loss slowly progressing even though her appetite is good. However, she has decided canned food is for sissies, and has settled on a dry enteric formula (Purina EN) which I moisten with warm water. She finishes Antibiotic #3 today and I’ll recheck her bloodwork before we disconnect the lab equipment to move over into Big Bertha.

Monday morning the movers arrive to pack up all non-essential materials into the shipping container while we outfit Big Bertha with what we’ll need to provide basic services while the workshop is being remodeled. So many moving parts! but I think I’m covering the basics (security fencing, power, water, waste disposal).

No time to moan over my financial worries, or discuss the fast-moving complicated situations going on with my kiddos (Zach and his GF, the heartbreak of Alex struggling in TN. I am overextended and cannot do any more!)

My life’s ambition at this point is to survive today, pack up tomorrow to haul 3 hrs away to ride this piney woods trail. Surely Bo and I can knock out 11 miles??

Don’t Stand So Close to Me

 I suppose I will continue plodding on grimly, no matter how badly I feel, as long as that lil’ jukebox in my head keeps playing fragments of music… The Police “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” as I watch DH get ready for his workday is featured this fine morning. I actually had to put on a light jacket when I went down to the barn, this summer’s brutal heat appears to have broken!

My Saturday evening didn’t go as planned - while I did get in a nice ride Sat AM, I couldn’t convince Peran that trekking over to Ft Worth to meet friends for BBQ & going to see the finals of Extreme Mustang Makeover was a good plan for Saturday night. (Trainers are assigned a mustang - they have 100 days to train him/her before facing off in competition. The mustangs are then auctioned off - no, I wouldn’t be horse shopping, I mainly wanted to hang out with my friends & admire the trainers’ hard work!) At any rate I decided to go by myself but I got stuck in a traffic jam, my car started running rough and flashing various warning lights at me - I decided discretion was the better part of valor, so when I could extricate myself from traffic, I turned around and limped back to the closest GM dealership. The mechanic will determine what sort of electronic nervous breakdown my poor lil’ car has suffered, but I had to pull Peran away from his evening hike to come rescue me - not only to pick me up, but getting me away from a determined salesman who was trying to convince me that now is the perfect time to trade up!

He was not happy so why not try to tackle a heart-to-heart talk? But I got nowhere - he wouldn’t talk to me; why would I think there’s something wrong when I can literally feel him cringe away whenever I go to touch him? That excellent Bonnie Raitt song “I Can’t Make You Love Me”  is next on my jukebox - I cried many a tear with ex-husband while listening to that song.

Today is my mother‘s 91st birthday but we took her out for a luncheon yesterday - Zach wanted to show her a foo-foo place in Las Colinas which  actually worked out well- - my cousins met us, we had a very nice time.  Then Zach & I went to a home & garden show, talked to lots of vendors & bought a couple of cacti!

The Tell-Tale Heart

 Raise your hand if you’re an Edgar Allen Poe fan! My heart betrays me in almost every matter related to my son - even though I know anything I do (financial & emotional support, physical labor) can NEVER satisfy as "reparations", so to speak, for my son’s miserable childhood experiences… Not to mention of course, that I’m not responsible for the way his father treated him even though I feel terrible guilt that I did not do a better job of protecting him.

Word salad nonsense = self-justification for doing what I think is “right” as Zach continues his slow laborious climb (compare it to summitting Everest) towards adulthood/independence. He has pulled back a little from Mom as he’s gotten more seriously involved with GF Victoria. While I don’t want them to dash off & get married in great haste as his father and I did (I knew my parents would disown me for cohabitation), it has taken a little of the pressure off me as I have felt torn between husband & son (actually it’s no contest - blood is thicker than water). It doesn’t have to be this way, but I’m tired of Peran’s tale of his three-boxes-packed-on-a-motorbike story: being sent off to college which was the end of his parental support. It may have worked for him but I’m not gonna treat my son that way.

Laborious Day

 (It actually wasn’t; just Val’s never-ending search for That Perfect Title)

In reality, it mostly felt as if things were “on hold” until we could get back to normal taking-care-of-business conditions: I have notified my metal fabrications guy and my architect that the race is now on to get the workshop property remodeled. My architect has not replied, my metal fabrication guy texted apologies because he was out of town visiting family for the Labor Day weekend…

First priority is reinforcing the fencing so I have a safe place to park the mobile unit and the office trailer, followed closely by getting a water tank set (supposed to meet up with that lady today also) & installing some conduit to run power to them. The one errand I hoped to accomplish this weekend was getting extra keys cut - however, when I tripped by the hardware store the guy told me “no can do” because the key is marked DO NOT DUPLICATE. (I was only given one solitary key to the deadbolt on the workshop door) I have messaged the owner’s daughter and she’ll see if any other keys can be found…

Clarice continues to soldier bravely on, eating well although weight loss is slowly progressing. I shall recheck her blood work again today - we seem to have the surgical incision inflammation under control with antibiotic #3, I continue to debate if it’s worth going to visit with the oncologist about chemotherapy? I’ve never gotten this far with any of my other pancreatic cancer cases - typically it’s so far advanced at diagnosis that it either warrants immediate euthanasia or a decision shortly after surgery. And Izzy’s knee looks FANTASTIC, I haven’t decided whether to send Dr Radasch a Harry & David gift basket or an Edible Arrangement (sculptured fruit basket). Izzy‘s lameness has already improved to a grade 2 and she has gotten away from Daddy to do a couple of short sprints as we cringe! (She is supposed to be leash walked only for the first month) I should be able to take out her skin sutures tomorrow (one week postop)

I will have to dive into the latest news about Zach and bonus child Alex later as I gear up for this final homestretch. Peran attended the “consolation prize BBQ” one of my trail riding buddies put on Sunday afternoon, so that’s something! It was amusing as it turned into the typical arrangement with we women standing around in the kitchen while the menfolk sat out on the porch drinking their beers (of course Peran didn’t drink beer;  he brought his own cooler with Gatorade and water). Jack barely got his hamburgers off the grill before another thunderstorm rolled  through so we watched it rain, reflecting that maybe it wasn’t the best camping weather.

I did get in one short ride with a few of the girls yesterday afternoon

Complications

 Clarice struggles on - her appetite returned when Sissy Izzy came home from her patellar surgery Wednesday, so as long as she’s eating I’m gonna continue to feed her!

Today she has mild cellulitis & slight “ooze” from her surgical incision, so we move on to Antibiotic #3 - if she seems more-or-less stable on Tuesday, I’ll recheck her bloodwork & contemplate a culture to wipe out any lingering infection. (Normal temp & normal BM’s are positive signs) Bad surgeon I guess! (Ha)

Rain has continued off & on all week, so my trail rider buddies canceled out on our plans to go horse camping this weekend. (Here you see the difference between trail riders & endurance riders - an endurance event would only be canceled for some extraordinary circumstances) Ain’t as if I don’t have plenty of other things which need my attention! Still a little disappointing as I was looking forward to a brief getaway. Had a nice dinner with son & Official GF Victoria last night which was very enjoyable, there’s my consolation prize.

Cuddled up in recliner with Clarice this afternoon, I teared up while watching the best animated Star Trek episode “Yesteryear”, where Spock must time-travel to rescue himself as a child, but his pet sehlat I-Chaya had to be euthanized - a sad premonition of sorts. I must have reached over a dozen times during last night to ascertain that Clarice was still breathing. It would be a blessing if this cup passes me by, but of course I will do what is necessary when the time comes. I would never allow my babygirl to suffer.

Izzy’s knee looks great - I’m so relieved that Dr Radasch was available to fix her - “He’s The Man”! And I give Peran big props for taking over her nursing care, all I’ve had to do is give her medications.