If there’s one thing I can count on - it’s that those episodes of deep sleep which I can recall are gonna be full of weird dreams!
Last night featured one of my patented “travel anxiety” dreams, making my way through a congested airport. Apparently I was returning from a veterinary conference, bcz at one point I encountered my old school friend Cheryl - I was trying to tell her something, but we were going in different directions as she made the astute comment that I either tell her “too little or too much”! That probably bleeds over into Real Life - I’m always rattling on here to no great effect…
I’m still poring over the Tevis news - tons of postings on FB. Another old friend/riding buddy (who’s in a whole different league than me, that’s for sure!) brought home a 3rd place finish to TX which I’m sure irritated a lot of those Californians, some of whom treat Tevis like it’s their own personal clique’ish event. Unfortunately her daughter (whom I used to sponsor Way Back When she was a junior rider) had horse issues and didn’t get to start; she instead became “crew” for her momma. I can relate!
The oldest rider to complete was Pete Davies at 81 (Vicki is 72, unbelievable!) and I thought I’d come across a picture of him going through Deadwood Cemetery, the last official checkpoint I completed before running overtime… unfortunately it’s not, this is another guy named Jeffrey Stuart whom I would presume to be in his late 50’s/early 60’s.
Something to aspire to (I’m looking at y’all, Ms Kizzy and Mr Bo!)
I’ll take Scarlotta out this weekend to see if lameness has resolved, but for now I’m shelving any hopes of any high-mileage attempts.
Dr M had her hip replacement surgery yesterday, so my workload ramps up this week. I’ve got to concentrate on just getting through each day, as I pray she’ll be back “hopefully” by the end of August? Of course she’s got to play it by ear, as her husband will simultaneously be starting radiation therapy for bladder cancer.
Getting older ain’t for sissies!
Dr M had her hip replacement surgery yesterday, so my workload ramps up this week. I’ve got to concentrate on just getting through each day, as I pray she’ll be back “hopefully” by the end of August? Of course she’s got to play it by ear, as her husband will simultaneously be starting radiation therapy for bladder cancer.
Getting older ain’t for sissies!
The Power of Juicing
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
(WARNING: gruesome bodily-function details included!)
I decided to put myself back on the path of righteousness ;-) Tues AM by juicing my breakfast... Win-win all the way around, right?
A.) Several veggie servings condensed into one neat glassful
B.) "Detox" (although I generally think this term is overused/misunderstood) after weekend overindulgences/Mon night anniversary dinner
C.) Perhaps a way to get back in the habit of using that dusty appliance on kitchen counter, the artifact known as a "Jack LaLanne power juicer".
So I shoved handfuls of cilantro, a cucumber, celery stalks, & a few carrots down the juicer, making a fairly decent concoction... Think I'll call it "V-4" & pray V-8 doesn't come after me for copyright infringement!
As I noted a couple of entries ago, I'm also fighting off the final stages of Sinus Crud, coughing & sneezing out copious quantities of mucus (I warned ya)...I've been faithfully irrigating w/my Neti pot each morning so I can monitor quantity & character. The funny thing was, about two hours after drinking my juice, I retreated to my office to expectorate - the mucus was NEON GREEN! It was an amazing sight, I'll tell ya - but I'm NOT so gruesome as to post a picture, you just have to take my word for it. NEON-friggin'-GREEN! if there was ever any doubt that the nutrients in fresh juice are quickly absorbed into your system, there's the proof.
I'm getting ready to repeat this experiment this evening (no time to run the juicer this AM w/5:30 AM departure for FB practice). Inquiring minds want to know!
I decided to put myself back on the path of righteousness ;-) Tues AM by juicing my breakfast... Win-win all the way around, right?
A.) Several veggie servings condensed into one neat glassful
B.) "Detox" (although I generally think this term is overused/misunderstood) after weekend overindulgences/Mon night anniversary dinner
C.) Perhaps a way to get back in the habit of using that dusty appliance on kitchen counter, the artifact known as a "Jack LaLanne power juicer".
So I shoved handfuls of cilantro, a cucumber, celery stalks, & a few carrots down the juicer, making a fairly decent concoction... Think I'll call it "V-4" & pray V-8 doesn't come after me for copyright infringement!
As I noted a couple of entries ago, I'm also fighting off the final stages of Sinus Crud, coughing & sneezing out copious quantities of mucus (I warned ya)...I've been faithfully irrigating w/my Neti pot each morning so I can monitor quantity & character. The funny thing was, about two hours after drinking my juice, I retreated to my office to expectorate - the mucus was NEON GREEN! It was an amazing sight, I'll tell ya - but I'm NOT so gruesome as to post a picture, you just have to take my word for it. NEON-friggin'-GREEN! if there was ever any doubt that the nutrients in fresh juice are quickly absorbed into your system, there's the proof.
I'm getting ready to repeat this experiment this evening (no time to run the juicer this AM w/5:30 AM departure for FB practice). Inquiring minds want to know!
That First Decade
Monday, October 08, 2012
Well folks, we're back from our 10th-Anniversary-trip & luckily are still speaking to one another ;-)
I had previously warned P that I wanted Hawaii to celebrate our 1st decade, but since A.) P's not a beach person and B.) he's been through several new jobs, even though things are going well in his latest venture (Jan '12), we didn't want to spend lavish amounts on a mini-vacation at this point in time...
Oh, & last but NOT least is the fact that I've been serving as a walking advertisement for sunscreen these past couple of wks:
Wish I knew how to rotate this iPhone shot, but yep, that's a little skin cancer that my dermatologist cut, froze & burned off my poor beaten-up snozzola... I go back for a follow-up visit in a month, crossing fingers that no further treatment is needed - if he goes any deeper, I'll have a unique piercing through my nostril; I'll just have to find the perfect accessory for it - a nice chunky silver ring, perhaps??
So we went instead to another favorite place of mine, southeastern NM - to stay at the Inn of the Mountain Gods in Ruidoso.
innofthemountaingods.com
/
They have a championship-level golf course, which I thought might interest hubby... However, he opted out since he hasn't been swinging his clubs during our vicious summer heat wave. Instead, we sat in the cafe that overlooked the course & watched other golfers shanking it ;-) I had considered finding a tennis court nearby if P had taken to the links; I'll have to admit it was more relaxing to just hang out - do a bit of shopping in town, lose a few bucks in the casino, stroll around the lake...
I was proud of myself for getting up a little earlier than P each morning to put in 30 min on the elliptical. It's a shame P didn't pack his swim trunks for their beautiful pool & HUGE hot tub, but I got one nice swim in!
I was somewhat disappointed but overall not too terribly surprised that we didn't have any heart-to-heart talks; what's to gain? It's hard to lay it all out there when you realize that the man will be flying away for another 10-d business trip on Monday; we were more like amiable roommates. (I got upset when P was channel-surfing Sun AM & came across the Disney remake of "The Parent Trap"; only some idiot who has never encountered divorce or child custody issues would think that separating a pair of identical twins ("his n' hers kids") is a great premise to build a family-oriented comedy!) I had never seen it but was pleasantly surprised at how good an actress little Lindsey Lohan was - despite the fact that I found the whole premise insulting, SHE was quite engaging!)
You never can tell what might trigger my PTSD - more to come!
I had previously warned P that I wanted Hawaii to celebrate our 1st decade, but since A.) P's not a beach person and B.) he's been through several new jobs, even though things are going well in his latest venture (Jan '12), we didn't want to spend lavish amounts on a mini-vacation at this point in time...
Oh, & last but NOT least is the fact that I've been serving as a walking advertisement for sunscreen these past couple of wks:
Wish I knew how to rotate this iPhone shot, but yep, that's a little skin cancer that my dermatologist cut, froze & burned off my poor beaten-up snozzola... I go back for a follow-up visit in a month, crossing fingers that no further treatment is needed - if he goes any deeper, I'll have a unique piercing through my nostril; I'll just have to find the perfect accessory for it - a nice chunky silver ring, perhaps??
So we went instead to another favorite place of mine, southeastern NM - to stay at the Inn of the Mountain Gods in Ruidoso.
innofthemountaingods.com
/
They have a championship-level golf course, which I thought might interest hubby... However, he opted out since he hasn't been swinging his clubs during our vicious summer heat wave. Instead, we sat in the cafe that overlooked the course & watched other golfers shanking it ;-) I had considered finding a tennis court nearby if P had taken to the links; I'll have to admit it was more relaxing to just hang out - do a bit of shopping in town, lose a few bucks in the casino, stroll around the lake...
I was proud of myself for getting up a little earlier than P each morning to put in 30 min on the elliptical. It's a shame P didn't pack his swim trunks for their beautiful pool & HUGE hot tub, but I got one nice swim in!
I was somewhat disappointed but overall not too terribly surprised that we didn't have any heart-to-heart talks; what's to gain? It's hard to lay it all out there when you realize that the man will be flying away for another 10-d business trip on Monday; we were more like amiable roommates. (I got upset when P was channel-surfing Sun AM & came across the Disney remake of "The Parent Trap"; only some idiot who has never encountered divorce or child custody issues would think that separating a pair of identical twins ("his n' hers kids") is a great premise to build a family-oriented comedy!) I had never seen it but was pleasantly surprised at how good an actress little Lindsey Lohan was - despite the fact that I found the whole premise insulting, SHE was quite engaging!)
You never can tell what might trigger my PTSD - more to come!
The Choices We Make
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
"Nothing good in life is achieved without sacrifice" - from Val's wit n' wisdom
This minor revelation occurred to me as I paced the aisle of my barn yesterday, fretting about whether Z **MIGHT** be accompanying me on my next trip to NM...
The short answer = NO; I'll fill in the backstory as I ramble on here. At least it's a more acceptable reason - Z has been invited to a football teammate's Big Halloween Party... Since he missed this family's Labor Day lakeside bash (his father couldn't be bothered to bring him), I'm pleased that this one falls on MY weekend! (Hard to deal w/Z's dejection in the aftermath, when "everyone" was raving about the great party he missed)
Last week, Z piled in the car after FB practice, saying: "Dad wants to switch weekends - you need to call him!" Turns out there's a "fly-in"; a private-pilot camping trip in E TX - Z has been to a couple in years past. (As much as small planes scare me, I have not forbidden Z to fly w/his father bcz that would just make it all the more enticing... At some point perhaps I'll find the time to rehash the Curious Case of She Who Shall Not Be Named's husband's sad & mysterious death in HIS private plane - but M's flying episodes seem to have dramatically decreased since J's accident a little over 3 yrs ago)
Unfortunately, I spouted off a little before getting control of myself - whaddaya know, all the changes in the schedule are NOT for MY benefit so your father needs to call me HIMSELF! Of course it's not poor Z's fault that his father never paid attention in all our "family-therapy" sessions that the child should NOT be the messenger, so I apologized as it's also bad form to malign the other parent.
One ray of hope was that, if we switched 3rd & 4th weekends, I would then be able to take Z w/me on my next projected trip to NM (10/19) - I was originally hoping to get in 3 d riding, but would gladly sacrifice a day if I could show Z that awesome desert scenery.
Then everything changed when I got the e-vite about the Halloween party... Good thing I had NOT called M - the only thing that would infuriate him more than me NOT snapping to it & calling him last week as summoned, would be if we had worked out the switch & then said I wanted to change back! (even if it was **GASP** in order to comply w/Z's wishes)
M called last night shortly after 9:30; I had just shooed Z upstairs to bed, but he came trotting back down when he heard his father's ringtone. When I told M that Z wanted to stay in town to go to his classmate's Halloween party, he grumbled "Well, we'll talk about it!" before I handed the phone over to Z. A$$hole had best leave my son alone - the confrontation is NOT going to be pretty! (thinking of the showdown when Z feels brave enough to tell his father off)
But of course that'll be my fault too.
Once again, I didn't mean to get off on such a tangent, but anything that distracts me from mindless snacking between surgeries, right???
This minor revelation occurred to me as I paced the aisle of my barn yesterday, fretting about whether Z **MIGHT** be accompanying me on my next trip to NM...
The short answer = NO; I'll fill in the backstory as I ramble on here. At least it's a more acceptable reason - Z has been invited to a football teammate's Big Halloween Party... Since he missed this family's Labor Day lakeside bash (his father couldn't be bothered to bring him), I'm pleased that this one falls on MY weekend! (Hard to deal w/Z's dejection in the aftermath, when "everyone" was raving about the great party he missed)
Last week, Z piled in the car after FB practice, saying: "Dad wants to switch weekends - you need to call him!" Turns out there's a "fly-in"; a private-pilot camping trip in E TX - Z has been to a couple in years past. (As much as small planes scare me, I have not forbidden Z to fly w/his father bcz that would just make it all the more enticing... At some point perhaps I'll find the time to rehash the Curious Case of She Who Shall Not Be Named's husband's sad & mysterious death in HIS private plane - but M's flying episodes seem to have dramatically decreased since J's accident a little over 3 yrs ago)
Unfortunately, I spouted off a little before getting control of myself - whaddaya know, all the changes in the schedule are NOT for MY benefit so your father needs to call me HIMSELF! Of course it's not poor Z's fault that his father never paid attention in all our "family-therapy" sessions that the child should NOT be the messenger, so I apologized as it's also bad form to malign the other parent.
One ray of hope was that, if we switched 3rd & 4th weekends, I would then be able to take Z w/me on my next projected trip to NM (10/19) - I was originally hoping to get in 3 d riding, but would gladly sacrifice a day if I could show Z that awesome desert scenery.
Then everything changed when I got the e-vite about the Halloween party... Good thing I had NOT called M - the only thing that would infuriate him more than me NOT snapping to it & calling him last week as summoned, would be if we had worked out the switch & then said I wanted to change back! (even if it was **GASP** in order to comply w/Z's wishes)
M called last night shortly after 9:30; I had just shooed Z upstairs to bed, but he came trotting back down when he heard his father's ringtone. When I told M that Z wanted to stay in town to go to his classmate's Halloween party, he grumbled "Well, we'll talk about it!" before I handed the phone over to Z. A$$hole had best leave my son alone - the confrontation is NOT going to be pretty! (thinking of the showdown when Z feels brave enough to tell his father off)
But of course that'll be my fault too.
Once again, I didn't mean to get off on such a tangent, but anything that distracts me from mindless snacking between surgeries, right???
Too Little, Too Late
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
It is with a heavy heart that I stride out into this lovely mild fall weather we've been having, since I WON'T be making the most of it by hauling off to NM for the last multi-day ride of my season...
Clearly a case of "too little, too late": while I've lost 3 lbs (a good start, but this barely gets me back into the "teens" - Onederland seems far away once again), it wouldn't be fair to A.) my horse or B.) myself to set out on this quest when I haven't put in the time OR the training for a 3-d, 150 mi ride. (In all likelihood, Baraq would be fine - I would be the one suffering!) I haven't done a 50-miler since JUNE, and that's quite long enough to fall out of riding condition...
However, I'm not in such terrible overall physical condition; yesterday I had my first session w/Bill the personal trainer - he put me through my paces w/upper body strength training. While I am a bit sore today, I thought it would be far worse. He coached me through a half-hour session of bench presses, rows of several varieties, some dumbbell & band work... I even felt well enough to knock out a couple of mi on ye olde TM when we finished. I signed up for 8 weekly sessions to get my mojo flowing again, concentrating on strength training & alternating between upper & lower body. Maybe when I peel off a few more lbs I'll feel comfortable enough w/Bill to swing my kettlebell & ask him to critique my technique.
(I had two options: at my nearby Snap Fitness, the trainer is a young whippersnapper - prob early 20-something - named Jason. He's nice & polite, always offering greetings & undoubtedly recognizes me on sight after all these months, but somehow the thought of getting up close & personal w/him made me cringe... Hey I know it's purely professional, but I might have given up if it had been Jason helping to stabilize my quivering arms yesterday! As it turns out, Bill & I are exactly the same age - 48 - but the deciding factor was the fact that Bill also coaches another middle-aged fat woman at the Snap Fitness near my parents' house that I drop in on occasionally out of pure convenience.)
We'll see how it goes. I'm cautiously optimistic.
Clearly a case of "too little, too late": while I've lost 3 lbs (a good start, but this barely gets me back into the "teens" - Onederland seems far away once again), it wouldn't be fair to A.) my horse or B.) myself to set out on this quest when I haven't put in the time OR the training for a 3-d, 150 mi ride. (In all likelihood, Baraq would be fine - I would be the one suffering!) I haven't done a 50-miler since JUNE, and that's quite long enough to fall out of riding condition...
However, I'm not in such terrible overall physical condition; yesterday I had my first session w/Bill the personal trainer - he put me through my paces w/upper body strength training. While I am a bit sore today, I thought it would be far worse. He coached me through a half-hour session of bench presses, rows of several varieties, some dumbbell & band work... I even felt well enough to knock out a couple of mi on ye olde TM when we finished. I signed up for 8 weekly sessions to get my mojo flowing again, concentrating on strength training & alternating between upper & lower body. Maybe when I peel off a few more lbs I'll feel comfortable enough w/Bill to swing my kettlebell & ask him to critique my technique.
(I had two options: at my nearby Snap Fitness, the trainer is a young whippersnapper - prob early 20-something - named Jason. He's nice & polite, always offering greetings & undoubtedly recognizes me on sight after all these months, but somehow the thought of getting up close & personal w/him made me cringe... Hey I know it's purely professional, but I might have given up if it had been Jason helping to stabilize my quivering arms yesterday! As it turns out, Bill & I are exactly the same age - 48 - but the deciding factor was the fact that Bill also coaches another middle-aged fat woman at the Snap Fitness near my parents' house that I drop in on occasionally out of pure convenience.)
We'll see how it goes. I'm cautiously optimistic.
Paper Tiger
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
I may be speaking too soon here, but hopefully a large part of the dread/fear I've been feeling in the face of standing up to my Ex/calling in the authorities to enforce his child support obligations may slowly evaporate...
The proverbial sh!t has hit the fan, and it seems to be a bird dropping instead of a cow patty!
Almost 2 wks ago (Thurs 10/11 to be exact ;-), after weeks of hearing that recorded message "Your case is in the assessment phase", I received two letters from the AG's office: the first informing me that M has been served notice that he must henceforth play by the rules & pay child support through the central office, & the second giving the location of "our" CS office. I was on "red alert" all weekend waiting for the thermonuclear blast of M's reaction.
(crickets)
On Monday 10/15, P (who was out of town, business trip to DC) called me mid-morning-rush to inform me that he'd just had an interesting phone call from M: what did HE know about this child support mess? Apparently M had been summoned by his HR director & duly informed that they would have to start making payroll deductions...
SparkFriends, I laughed long & hard. Who would ever think that M was such a coward & would go to such lengths to avoid talking to ME, the mother of his child?!? Of course P told him he knew "nothing"; those issues are between myself & M. I had a msg on my cell ph when I went to lunch (another cowardly act; M knows full well that I do NOT carry my cell ph on my person, so if you want to reach me during the workday, you need to call my OFFICE).
M wanted to play it all sweet & innocent: Haven't you been getting those checks I've been mailing? so I countered w/a sweet & innocent act of my own: yes, I have, & I filed an affidavit w/the AG - to keep things on the up-and-up, I'd send him a copy! (nevermind that all the fine print informs me that BOTH parents have access to all filed info; I don't want him getting all resentful on me)
Methinks M has already consulted an attorney, who may have informed him for these low sums (around $5K) he shouldn't fight it & just PAY UP... But who knows, he may still scream when we have our review? After that (no telling how long that will take; what's that saying about the mills of justice grinding slowly but exceedingly fine?), if TX AG rules that current child support is equitable, you will never hear me whine about it here or anywhere else ever again!
In the meantime, my scales are showing a 3 lb loss - can't possibly be stress reduction can it?
The proverbial sh!t has hit the fan, and it seems to be a bird dropping instead of a cow patty!
Almost 2 wks ago (Thurs 10/11 to be exact ;-), after weeks of hearing that recorded message "Your case is in the assessment phase", I received two letters from the AG's office: the first informing me that M has been served notice that he must henceforth play by the rules & pay child support through the central office, & the second giving the location of "our" CS office. I was on "red alert" all weekend waiting for the thermonuclear blast of M's reaction.
(crickets)
On Monday 10/15, P (who was out of town, business trip to DC) called me mid-morning-rush to inform me that he'd just had an interesting phone call from M: what did HE know about this child support mess? Apparently M had been summoned by his HR director & duly informed that they would have to start making payroll deductions...
SparkFriends, I laughed long & hard. Who would ever think that M was such a coward & would go to such lengths to avoid talking to ME, the mother of his child?!? Of course P told him he knew "nothing"; those issues are between myself & M. I had a msg on my cell ph when I went to lunch (another cowardly act; M knows full well that I do NOT carry my cell ph on my person, so if you want to reach me during the workday, you need to call my OFFICE).
M wanted to play it all sweet & innocent: Haven't you been getting those checks I've been mailing? so I countered w/a sweet & innocent act of my own: yes, I have, & I filed an affidavit w/the AG - to keep things on the up-and-up, I'd send him a copy! (nevermind that all the fine print informs me that BOTH parents have access to all filed info; I don't want him getting all resentful on me)
Methinks M has already consulted an attorney, who may have informed him for these low sums (around $5K) he shouldn't fight it & just PAY UP... But who knows, he may still scream when we have our review? After that (no telling how long that will take; what's that saying about the mills of justice grinding slowly but exceedingly fine?), if TX AG rules that current child support is equitable, you will never hear me whine about it here or anywhere else ever again!
In the meantime, my scales are showing a 3 lb loss - can't possibly be stress reduction can it?
535
Sunday, October 28, 2012
(Subtitled: much easier to brag on my pony than write about my own obstacles)
I should have taken a video clip of my Baraquinator when I turned him out to pasture immediately after unloading him at the end of our 5-hr road trip last weekend, the day after a fairly grueling (well for me it was anyway ;-) 50-mi event on Sat... He arched his neck, kicked up his heels, & dashed off as if it had been nothing! It was an endurance triumph in every sense: I finished w/a bright-eyed, chipper pony who truly was "fit to continue"- ideally what every endurance rider aspires to! (Don't think I mentioned that the 1st three finishers were disqualified since their horses did not meet pulse criteria w/in the allotted 30 min) His legs were cool & tight; no back pain (truly remarkable after toting my freight), eating & drinking well... It's taken me almost 4 yrs to build this solid foundation - from basic training to slow mileage building up to 25-mi events, working our way up to 50's.
(Photographer actually got a couple of decent photos - well let's face it, Baraq always looks great, it's ME who seems to be continually captured in awkward postures - slumped, off-balance, grimacing expression - seriously, I could post them on a website "How NOT to Ride"! I ordered a couple which I faithfully swear to do my best to scan & post here...)
I should be proud - & trust me, I AM proud of my no-account nondescript "divorce/fire sale" colt; it's the hideously bloated, wrinkled & exhausted old crone who stares back at me from the mirror that I'm grievously disappointed in... I suppose the stress/strain of last weekend's exertion has set me back: my cough has settled into that interminable tertiary stage, not sleeping worth a crap now for weeks on end is unraveling my health as surely as an ongoing diet of junk food. Last night in desperation I took 1/4 sleeping tablet - I got a few precious hrs uninterrupted sleep early on, then settled into my toss & turn & cough pattern which is probably MORE exhausting than if I had just gotten the eff UP & retreated back to bed at dawn's early light like a vampire!
So all day today I have drag-a$$ed like a zombie, not accomplishing any of my meager household chores... Thank the Lord dear P never complains about being saddled w/unloading the dishwasher or doing laundry, he even vacuumed our BR on his own initiative! (give that man a medal, eh?) It IS quite the change from first marriage, in which there was a fairly rigid hierarchy of chores: me indoors, M outdoors. Guess who was always found lacking?
Anyway, I can count myself lucky that my rider # last weekend (535) had no tangential relationship to my body weight, as it did about 3 yrs ago when I vowed to lighten Baraq's load (223). Too bad it's pretty much the same. Yee haw, gotta start somewhere, right? Reminding myself how thoroughly M seems to be winning at this game of life (leaving you mired in your same ol' Swamp o' Misery) doesn't seem to have the same (temporarily beneficial) effect that it once did. I know I need to ignore M, She Who Shall Not Be Named etc & concentrate on Yours Truly, but it remains a difficult leap of faith to make.
I should have taken a video clip of my Baraquinator when I turned him out to pasture immediately after unloading him at the end of our 5-hr road trip last weekend, the day after a fairly grueling (well for me it was anyway ;-) 50-mi event on Sat... He arched his neck, kicked up his heels, & dashed off as if it had been nothing! It was an endurance triumph in every sense: I finished w/a bright-eyed, chipper pony who truly was "fit to continue"- ideally what every endurance rider aspires to! (Don't think I mentioned that the 1st three finishers were disqualified since their horses did not meet pulse criteria w/in the allotted 30 min) His legs were cool & tight; no back pain (truly remarkable after toting my freight), eating & drinking well... It's taken me almost 4 yrs to build this solid foundation - from basic training to slow mileage building up to 25-mi events, working our way up to 50's.
(Photographer actually got a couple of decent photos - well let's face it, Baraq always looks great, it's ME who seems to be continually captured in awkward postures - slumped, off-balance, grimacing expression - seriously, I could post them on a website "How NOT to Ride"! I ordered a couple which I faithfully swear to do my best to scan & post here...)
I should be proud - & trust me, I AM proud of my no-account nondescript "divorce/fire sale" colt; it's the hideously bloated, wrinkled & exhausted old crone who stares back at me from the mirror that I'm grievously disappointed in... I suppose the stress/strain of last weekend's exertion has set me back: my cough has settled into that interminable tertiary stage, not sleeping worth a crap now for weeks on end is unraveling my health as surely as an ongoing diet of junk food. Last night in desperation I took 1/4 sleeping tablet - I got a few precious hrs uninterrupted sleep early on, then settled into my toss & turn & cough pattern which is probably MORE exhausting than if I had just gotten the eff UP & retreated back to bed at dawn's early light like a vampire!
So all day today I have drag-a$$ed like a zombie, not accomplishing any of my meager household chores... Thank the Lord dear P never complains about being saddled w/unloading the dishwasher or doing laundry, he even vacuumed our BR on his own initiative! (give that man a medal, eh?) It IS quite the change from first marriage, in which there was a fairly rigid hierarchy of chores: me indoors, M outdoors. Guess who was always found lacking?
Anyway, I can count myself lucky that my rider # last weekend (535) had no tangential relationship to my body weight, as it did about 3 yrs ago when I vowed to lighten Baraq's load (223). Too bad it's pretty much the same. Yee haw, gotta start somewhere, right? Reminding myself how thoroughly M seems to be winning at this game of life (leaving you mired in your same ol' Swamp o' Misery) doesn't seem to have the same (temporarily beneficial) effect that it once did. I know I need to ignore M, She Who Shall Not Be Named etc & concentrate on Yours Truly, but it remains a difficult leap of faith to make.
Profile of the Sociopath (good topic for Halloween, eh?)
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
(I keep on thinking if I continue to write about Ex, I will work this sh!t out of my system... Perhaps I'm only exacerbating the problem, keeping him foremost in my mind, perhaps not! but I stumbled across this in my morning blog-surf - digbysblog.blogspot - my comments will be in parentheses)
This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold** by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
(**my tipoff about the depths of my ex-husband's inhumanity should have been the times he flew into a rage, castigating me when I displayed "excessive grief" over the loss of one of our animals... What kind of man would threaten his wife w/the shovel he brought out to dig the pet calf's grave?!?)
Incapacity for Love (see above)
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. (certainly cheating fit M's profile)
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. (ouch - this hits entirely too close to home - & of course his temper tantrums were MY FAULT; if I had been The Perfect Wife he wouldn't have had to correct me, dontcha know?)
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. (I do know that M was ejected by mom/stepdad, sent to spend his high school years w/bio-dad - w/whom he'd had little to no contact over the years. This was explained to me as being about marijuana use, but who knows what other anti-social behaviors may have gone on)
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. (I am all too familiar with that feeling of being the scapegoat)
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. (I love y'all very much, dear SparkFriends, but let's not go there, shall we? It still makes me a little sick at my stomach to think about how I degraded myself for that man, all in the name of "love")
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. (Exploitation was definitely part of M's arsenal, but the poor work ethic is the one thing that does not fit - he remains a Type A personality, quite definitely a workaholic)
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Other Related Qualities:
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world
(This list is painful to read, as I still have a strong tendency to Blame Myself for being such a fool for all those years)
(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)
This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold** by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
(**my tipoff about the depths of my ex-husband's inhumanity should have been the times he flew into a rage, castigating me when I displayed "excessive grief" over the loss of one of our animals... What kind of man would threaten his wife w/the shovel he brought out to dig the pet calf's grave?!?)
Incapacity for Love (see above)
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. (certainly cheating fit M's profile)
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. (ouch - this hits entirely too close to home - & of course his temper tantrums were MY FAULT; if I had been The Perfect Wife he wouldn't have had to correct me, dontcha know?)
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. (I do know that M was ejected by mom/stepdad, sent to spend his high school years w/bio-dad - w/whom he'd had little to no contact over the years. This was explained to me as being about marijuana use, but who knows what other anti-social behaviors may have gone on)
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. (I am all too familiar with that feeling of being the scapegoat)
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. (I love y'all very much, dear SparkFriends, but let's not go there, shall we? It still makes me a little sick at my stomach to think about how I degraded myself for that man, all in the name of "love")
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. (Exploitation was definitely part of M's arsenal, but the poor work ethic is the one thing that does not fit - he remains a Type A personality, quite definitely a workaholic)
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Other Related Qualities:
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world
(This list is painful to read, as I still have a strong tendency to Blame Myself for being such a fool for all those years)
(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)
Fall Back
Sunday, November 04, 2012
It only took me about 15 min this AM of puzzling over the discrepancy between time on this iPad/time on my wristwatch to realize: duh, Daylight Savings Time has ENDED - you've gained an hr, beyotch! (actually it was majority rule - when I noticed iPhone was ALSO displaying earlier time, the light bulb finally clicked on)
Amazing how decent I feel even though it wasn't a perfect night's sleep: still woke myself up coughing a few times, but managed to sic it up & go back to sleep. I decided to head partway down to pick up my colt from the trainer last night - not only to save myself a lil drive time (it's not that far, only about 3 hrs each way), but also bcz I was a little irritated w/DH for going to neighborhood social event w/out me... It isn't as if I wanted him to sit home & hold my hand, but I had made it clear several wks ago when the invite for fledgling annual Progressive Dinner came in the mail that I wouldn't be there. (these past couple of yrs, I've either had a ride scheduled or P's been out of town)
These kind of foo-foo things just don't interest me (fancy multi course events in which drinks are served at X's, appetizers at Y's, dessert at Z's) - fundamentally it has been my experience that most people who meet me socially then want to take advantage of me professionally. (I can almost hear one of our blue-noses calling the roll of our neighborhood: "Oh, we have the actor, the petroleum engineer, the author, the VETERINARIAN...") I haven't found a polite way to tell one neighbor that I'm NOT her personal on-call vet, here to answer her every q at any hour of the day or night!**
Once in a while I'd like to get a call from one of these "friends" that truly IS an inquiry into my well-being, not just perfunctory greetings followed by The Veterinary Question(s)...
**I know, I know, that's what VM is for - but since I never know if this is going to be A Real Emergency or not, I'll generally answer the damn phone anyway.
So anyway, this has been a pretty miserable week for me: in the final stages of this sinus crud, coughing up my lungs & holding down the fort solo since my associate has been on vacation... There were several days when I seriously doubted my abilities to Just Keep Going, but I've made it through, yippee! I had hoped P would opt for a quiet evening at home, but he was anxious to check this out... (I didn't even discuss my other concerns, which is that I DON'T want to be under any social obligations - sounds really b!tchy, but wouldn't want to be tapped to host anything w/this crowd) I have my friends, I socialize on a limited basis w/a couple of our neighbors (i.e. the NICE ones, not the snooties!), & that's just the way I like it!
I'll never forgive that b!tch on the corner - when I casually mentioned a tennis game on her private court, she haughtily informed me that there was an EXCELLENT tennis club in Ennis! Wassamatter, afraid I would beat your a$$ too bad?!?!? One of these days I will pick up a tennis racket again - but these days I only seem to have time for ONE recreational activity, so the ponies take precedence!
& here I've seemed to use up most of this Bonus Hour, so I'd better push on & get my baby back home where he belongs!
Amazing how decent I feel even though it wasn't a perfect night's sleep: still woke myself up coughing a few times, but managed to sic it up & go back to sleep. I decided to head partway down to pick up my colt from the trainer last night - not only to save myself a lil drive time (it's not that far, only about 3 hrs each way), but also bcz I was a little irritated w/DH for going to neighborhood social event w/out me... It isn't as if I wanted him to sit home & hold my hand, but I had made it clear several wks ago when the invite for fledgling annual Progressive Dinner came in the mail that I wouldn't be there. (these past couple of yrs, I've either had a ride scheduled or P's been out of town)
These kind of foo-foo things just don't interest me (fancy multi course events in which drinks are served at X's, appetizers at Y's, dessert at Z's) - fundamentally it has been my experience that most people who meet me socially then want to take advantage of me professionally. (I can almost hear one of our blue-noses calling the roll of our neighborhood: "Oh, we have the actor, the petroleum engineer, the author, the VETERINARIAN...") I haven't found a polite way to tell one neighbor that I'm NOT her personal on-call vet, here to answer her every q at any hour of the day or night!**
Once in a while I'd like to get a call from one of these "friends" that truly IS an inquiry into my well-being, not just perfunctory greetings followed by The Veterinary Question(s)...
**I know, I know, that's what VM is for - but since I never know if this is going to be A Real Emergency or not, I'll generally answer the damn phone anyway.
So anyway, this has been a pretty miserable week for me: in the final stages of this sinus crud, coughing up my lungs & holding down the fort solo since my associate has been on vacation... There were several days when I seriously doubted my abilities to Just Keep Going, but I've made it through, yippee! I had hoped P would opt for a quiet evening at home, but he was anxious to check this out... (I didn't even discuss my other concerns, which is that I DON'T want to be under any social obligations - sounds really b!tchy, but wouldn't want to be tapped to host anything w/this crowd) I have my friends, I socialize on a limited basis w/a couple of our neighbors (i.e. the NICE ones, not the snooties!), & that's just the way I like it!
I'll never forgive that b!tch on the corner - when I casually mentioned a tennis game on her private court, she haughtily informed me that there was an EXCELLENT tennis club in Ennis! Wassamatter, afraid I would beat your a$$ too bad?!?!? One of these days I will pick up a tennis racket again - but these days I only seem to have time for ONE recreational activity, so the ponies take precedence!
& here I've seemed to use up most of this Bonus Hour, so I'd better push on & get my baby back home where he belongs!
The Natural Athlete
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Ha, don't tell me you thought this entry would be about ME!!??!!
No, I'm taking this opportunity to brag about my pony again - part of me is still in disbelief that I pulled the Baraquinator out of the pasture cold-turkey two and a half weeks ago - and after almost 90 d off, he knocked out a good solid 50-miler as if it were nothing! Straight A's on vet scores all day long, with the exception of one B on muscle tone (a little rear-end tightness after trotting through all that deep sand) and a B on gut sounds at completion. (Got my ride photos - lost in admiration of My Pretty Pony while trying to ignore the toad on his back!)
Let's not talk about ME - I felt each and every mile after that first 18-mi loop. Absolutely amazing - my entire "haunch" from glutes to ankle bilaterally tried to seize up during MY first trot-out in that deep sand arena. It's a damn good thing we riders are not graded on soundness!
My shoulders were stiffening up as we mounted up for our second loop; over the course of the day pain moved down from my shoulders as it moved up from my sacrum, but at least I had none of that horrendous ankle/foot pain that plagued me on Day 3 in NM in July...(That was probable my new stirrup leathers which weren't completely "broken in")
The unseasonable heat (high 80's, high humidity - heat index approx 99) was also boiling my brain; had to slow way down on 3rd and final loop. Ride manager Debbie L brought me an OJ on trail about a mile from the finish which was like manna from heaven - it thankfully rejuvenated me (at least well enough to get back into camp, get my awesome lil' pony vetted through and taken care of before I collapsed).
All of this stress on MY system undoubtedly contributed to my relapse of Sinus Crud, making last week such an ordeal... I need to keep writing this sh!t down so I NEVER EVER again take my modicum of good health for granted.
Yesterday I made it back to the gym for Session #3 w/Bill the Personal Trainer... He showed me a medley of moves on weight machines & fancy-footwork floor exercises to help get the most done in a limited amount of time. I felt like an obese Tinkerbelle as Bill made me do ladder drills, wind sprints, and complicated cross-steps. But my knee only twinged a couple of times; Bill as usual rewarded me w/many "Good job!" & "Perfect!" motivators...
I thought it was hilarious when he carefully warned me that he was placing one hand on my leg & another on my back to coach me into the proper position for the "tossing-a-medicine-ball-while
-balancing-on-a-stability-
ball" exercise; when I know him better I may joke around that some women would pay EXTRA for that privilege ;-) ! Overall it was a great workout & my sweat was flowing freely... It felt good to get back into somewhat of a normal routine.
No, I'm taking this opportunity to brag about my pony again - part of me is still in disbelief that I pulled the Baraquinator out of the pasture cold-turkey two and a half weeks ago - and after almost 90 d off, he knocked out a good solid 50-miler as if it were nothing! Straight A's on vet scores all day long, with the exception of one B on muscle tone (a little rear-end tightness after trotting through all that deep sand) and a B on gut sounds at completion. (Got my ride photos - lost in admiration of My Pretty Pony while trying to ignore the toad on his back!)
Let's not talk about ME - I felt each and every mile after that first 18-mi loop. Absolutely amazing - my entire "haunch" from glutes to ankle bilaterally tried to seize up during MY first trot-out in that deep sand arena. It's a damn good thing we riders are not graded on soundness!
My shoulders were stiffening up as we mounted up for our second loop; over the course of the day pain moved down from my shoulders as it moved up from my sacrum, but at least I had none of that horrendous ankle/foot pain that plagued me on Day 3 in NM in July...(That was probable my new stirrup leathers which weren't completely "broken in")
The unseasonable heat (high 80's, high humidity - heat index approx 99) was also boiling my brain; had to slow way down on 3rd and final loop. Ride manager Debbie L brought me an OJ on trail about a mile from the finish which was like manna from heaven - it thankfully rejuvenated me (at least well enough to get back into camp, get my awesome lil' pony vetted through and taken care of before I collapsed).
All of this stress on MY system undoubtedly contributed to my relapse of Sinus Crud, making last week such an ordeal... I need to keep writing this sh!t down so I NEVER EVER again take my modicum of good health for granted.
Yesterday I made it back to the gym for Session #3 w/Bill the Personal Trainer... He showed me a medley of moves on weight machines & fancy-footwork floor exercises to help get the most done in a limited amount of time. I felt like an obese Tinkerbelle as Bill made me do ladder drills, wind sprints, and complicated cross-steps. But my knee only twinged a couple of times; Bill as usual rewarded me w/many "Good job!" & "Perfect!" motivators...
I thought it was hilarious when he carefully warned me that he was placing one hand on my leg & another on my back to coach me into the proper position for the "tossing-a-medicine-ball-while
-balancing-on-a-stability-
ball" exercise; when I know him better I may joke around that some women would pay EXTRA for that privilege ;-) ! Overall it was a great workout & my sweat was flowing freely... It felt good to get back into somewhat of a normal routine.
Force of Will
Monday, November 12, 2012
BTW, thanks, SP for the good laugh - when I logged in last Sat's horseback ride in my fitness log, it gave me credit for a whopping 6,000 calories! That's a little over 11 calories per MINUTE, which works out better than JOGGING. Sorry, folks, but my horse gets most of that credit - although I'll tell ya from the soreness extending from my heels to the nape of my neck today, riding is definitely a full-body exercise.
Anyway, I struggled through another tough 50-mile ride last weekend - made quite a bit more bearable by the company of my son - the first ride of this whole dad-gum season which has lined up for us to do TOGETHER! (Doesn't his father take him to any rides, you might ask? - the short answer is NO; M rarely shows up in horse camp anymore, but when he does he doesn't haul an equine for his son to ride...Never has & I'm certain never will)
So I paid my bribes in advance and gave Z the choice of whether he wanted to ride Sat or Sun: his FB team won their last game of the freshman season last Thurs, wrapping up what I consider an excellent record of 9 - 1 - 1. I have been frankly amazed at the quality of FB they've been playing, good solid games all the way around. As a second-stringer, Z has spent most of that time warming the bench, but as long as he is satisfied w/the camaraderie & teamwork, I'm happy to support him. It's nice to see him fully immersed in a team sport at last. Some of my fondest memories from junior high/high school were of my own participation in sports - never a superstar, but a solid team player.
At any rate, Z opted for Sat which I think worked out better all the way 'round. I was troubled to a lesser extent this time by whatever combination of mild dehydration/electrolyte imbalance & heat stress that almost felled me at my last ride, but it was still a hard push to soldier on through & get this ride DONE.
(At times, I swear, it was only the thought of She Who Shall Not be Named's smirk that kept me going.)
I wonder why I can't focus that awesome force of will that gets me through a tough endurance event (I believe we had 45 starters but only 27 finishers; a 60% completion rate) on my "journey to self-improvement" here? A topic for further investigation/introspection and study... More to come SparkFriends!
Anyway, I struggled through another tough 50-mile ride last weekend - made quite a bit more bearable by the company of my son - the first ride of this whole dad-gum season which has lined up for us to do TOGETHER! (Doesn't his father take him to any rides, you might ask? - the short answer is NO; M rarely shows up in horse camp anymore, but when he does he doesn't haul an equine for his son to ride...Never has & I'm certain never will)
So I paid my bribes in advance and gave Z the choice of whether he wanted to ride Sat or Sun: his FB team won their last game of the freshman season last Thurs, wrapping up what I consider an excellent record of 9 - 1 - 1. I have been frankly amazed at the quality of FB they've been playing, good solid games all the way around. As a second-stringer, Z has spent most of that time warming the bench, but as long as he is satisfied w/the camaraderie & teamwork, I'm happy to support him. It's nice to see him fully immersed in a team sport at last. Some of my fondest memories from junior high/high school were of my own participation in sports - never a superstar, but a solid team player.
At any rate, Z opted for Sat which I think worked out better all the way 'round. I was troubled to a lesser extent this time by whatever combination of mild dehydration/electrolyte imbalance & heat stress that almost felled me at my last ride, but it was still a hard push to soldier on through & get this ride DONE.
(At times, I swear, it was only the thought of She Who Shall Not be Named's smirk that kept me going.)
I wonder why I can't focus that awesome force of will that gets me through a tough endurance event (I believe we had 45 starters but only 27 finishers; a 60% completion rate) on my "journey to self-improvement" here? A topic for further investigation/introspection and study... More to come SparkFriends!
Slippery Slope
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Trying to keep my head on straight during this final, headlong rush to our big family holiday (in my family we make a bigger deal out of Thanksgiving than Christmas, as far as trying to organize the family reunion)... Once again it will be a headlong rush to get through this workweek (I should be grateful that we've been so busy at the clinic; it keeps the bills paid, huh?), pile parents & son in the car to go up to my aunt's house on Turkey Day (she has hosted Thanksgiving for almost 40 yrs now), race back home, throw ponies in the trailer, & drive as far as I can towards Bandera so we can compete in our last official ride of this season on Saturday.
Whew, it makes me tired just thinking about it!
Hubby is flying home Wed for a 2-wk visit for his mom's 70th BD; I'm sorry we (Z & I that is) can't come, but I cannot justify a trans-Atlantic flight over a 4-d school holiday. Hopefully she will understand; I've already offered apologies by phone.
And last but NOT least, I am alarmed by the deterioration in my stamina - today's session w/Bill the Personal Trainer left me weak & debilitated. True, I didn't eat beforehand, but I had a big hearty breakfast this AM - thought I'd be good to go. He had me wrung out to dry w/in 20 min. All afternoon I've been slamming fluids as I creak around on knees that feel like tinfoil. (Step work today: Bill had me doing knee raises, side & back kicks on a high step, then a lower one w/dumbbells. Then I swung 3 sets w/the kettlebell, cooled out on the recumbent bike. The sweat pattern on my T-shirt was trying to tell me something... Surrender, perhaps??!!??)
Whew, it makes me tired just thinking about it!
Hubby is flying home Wed for a 2-wk visit for his mom's 70th BD; I'm sorry we (Z & I that is) can't come, but I cannot justify a trans-Atlantic flight over a 4-d school holiday. Hopefully she will understand; I've already offered apologies by phone.
And last but NOT least, I am alarmed by the deterioration in my stamina - today's session w/Bill the Personal Trainer left me weak & debilitated. True, I didn't eat beforehand, but I had a big hearty breakfast this AM - thought I'd be good to go. He had me wrung out to dry w/in 20 min. All afternoon I've been slamming fluids as I creak around on knees that feel like tinfoil. (Step work today: Bill had me doing knee raises, side & back kicks on a high step, then a lower one w/dumbbells. Then I swung 3 sets w/the kettlebell, cooled out on the recumbent bike. The sweat pattern on my T-shirt was trying to tell me something... Surrender, perhaps??!!??)
Distraction
Saturday, November 24, 2012
...is my Word of the Day, as I do my best to divert my attention from the fact that I'm NOT riding today as I had planned.
Yesterday morning I staggered upstairs with many descriptive phrases floating through my consciousness: wanting to reminisce about my Memories of Bandera & why I keep wanting to take my son back there (the mere fact that it's a beautiful rustic area should be good enuff), but the boys** had shut down this computer and I couldn't remember the password!
**hosted an impromptu sleepover for two of his buddies Tues night
So this morning most of that "good stuff" has floated right out of my head - it's just as well anyway; who cares? I'm feeling really fatalistic - creaking around like I am, it would have been another epic struggle to get through a 50-miler and in the end, it wouldn't have counted for anything anyway... I thought I could get my son placed in the point standings w/100 mi (usually that's true for juniors), but just last week when they updated everything, I saw that 4 of the other junior riders were ALREADY at 100 mi. There are still a couple of rides not posted yet, so they might be even farther ahead.
Anyway, my slapdash trip preparations had come together pretty well; I drove my son & my folks up to my aunt's house for Turkey Day, ready-made excuse not to eat too much or stay too late in hand: we're going to Bandera for a competition. Thurs evening, we came home & I caught the ponies & loaded 'em up. Z was already grumbling.
The situation deteriorated as the clock ticked and I used first the carrot & then the stick approach to get Z loaded in the truck (& here I thought the MULE was the difficult one ;-)
I could have dealt with his surly rebellious teenage attitude, but when my boy had a mini-meltdown just a couple of miles up the road, dissolving in tears as he lamented the facts that he hardly ever gets to "just stay home" - that was too much for Mom; I turned it around & came back home.
My poor baby was then full of tears & apologies for "ruining my weekend", but I hugged him & said Oh no baby, it's never a ruined weekend when I have YOU! Z is not a weeper, so this episode had significance... I know he was emotionally wrung out & purely exhausted, so this quiet weekend at home should be just the ticket.
I'll get over my disappointment; there will be other rides. Rides that I'm hopefully in better shape to enjoy: I dusted off my DDP Yoga disc last night and did the 20-min warmup. Ya gotta start somewhere.
Yesterday morning I staggered upstairs with many descriptive phrases floating through my consciousness: wanting to reminisce about my Memories of Bandera & why I keep wanting to take my son back there (the mere fact that it's a beautiful rustic area should be good enuff), but the boys** had shut down this computer and I couldn't remember the password!
**hosted an impromptu sleepover for two of his buddies Tues night
So this morning most of that "good stuff" has floated right out of my head - it's just as well anyway; who cares? I'm feeling really fatalistic - creaking around like I am, it would have been another epic struggle to get through a 50-miler and in the end, it wouldn't have counted for anything anyway... I thought I could get my son placed in the point standings w/100 mi (usually that's true for juniors), but just last week when they updated everything, I saw that 4 of the other junior riders were ALREADY at 100 mi. There are still a couple of rides not posted yet, so they might be even farther ahead.
Anyway, my slapdash trip preparations had come together pretty well; I drove my son & my folks up to my aunt's house for Turkey Day, ready-made excuse not to eat too much or stay too late in hand: we're going to Bandera for a competition. Thurs evening, we came home & I caught the ponies & loaded 'em up. Z was already grumbling.
The situation deteriorated as the clock ticked and I used first the carrot & then the stick approach to get Z loaded in the truck (& here I thought the MULE was the difficult one ;-)
I could have dealt with his surly rebellious teenage attitude, but when my boy had a mini-meltdown just a couple of miles up the road, dissolving in tears as he lamented the facts that he hardly ever gets to "just stay home" - that was too much for Mom; I turned it around & came back home.
My poor baby was then full of tears & apologies for "ruining my weekend", but I hugged him & said Oh no baby, it's never a ruined weekend when I have YOU! Z is not a weeper, so this episode had significance... I know he was emotionally wrung out & purely exhausted, so this quiet weekend at home should be just the ticket.
I'll get over my disappointment; there will be other rides. Rides that I'm hopefully in better shape to enjoy: I dusted off my DDP Yoga disc last night and did the 20-min warmup. Ya gotta start somewhere.
Radical Acceptance
Friday, November 30, 2012
(This is likely a duplicate title of one of my old blog posts, so SUE ME!)
This is the phrase that swam into my consciousness when my stressed-out mind awakened me at 4:30 AM... My all-too-short Thanksgiving holiday w/my boy has zinged by along w/the last few days, and this morning I once again relinquish him to his father's "care" (after dropping him off at bus stop, his dad will pick him up after school).
For the past 12 yrs, I have worried incessantly at each & every handoff - of course more so over prolonged absences like summer visitation or extended holidays, now less acutely as Z has grown to the stage where he can speak up for himself. How many weekends when he was littler my boy came home exhausted, hungry, filthy, sick, or injured? I've lost count. But I know these days M uses him as an unpaid farm hand/handyman's assistant on the rental properties M has "inherited" in his marriage to She Who Shall Not be Named.
Don't get me wrong; I know M has many useful skills he can demonstrate/teach Z. I give the man credit: he truly is a jack of all trades, able to do most minor & a few major household repairs. He's rebuilt cars virtually from the ground up, but such a perfectionist that I couldn't do much "with" him outside of keeping him supplied w/food & drink. (Hopefully he's an easier taskmaster w/his son) What I resent is M working Z mercilessly (he's come home more than once from a weekend's yardwork at rent houses w/open blisters on his hands, since his father failed to provide him w/GLOVES, for instance) and as always, I worry about accidents & injuries using power tools, tractors & other lawn equipment...
6 yrs ago, Z took a bad fall at his father's house, doing a belly-flop which lacerated his spleen, landed him in the hospital for 3 fun-filled days in ICU followed by 2 days on the regular ward. Thankfully he avoided surgery (the bleeding stopped spontaneously), but throughout that long, long week of hospitalization & the multiple interrogations by nurses & doctors, social workers & respiratory therapists, if I heard M express his amazement once more at how Z could have been so seriously injured from what (in HIS opinion) was a "minor" fall ("in the dirt"! as if all blunt trauma comes from Astroturf or concrete), I was ready to strangle him w/my bare hands!
So as you see, my paranoia has a solid foundation in REALITY. Well before this incident, there were plenty of others: sunburns, blistered feet from wandering onto hot tarmac, mysterious bruises (when Z admitted to a spanking once from Guess Who, I warned M that if that b!tch ever laid a hand on my son again, she would have to answer to ME - the underlying threat that I would overcome my compunction against opening a can** on someone smaller than me)
**a can of whoop-a$$, that is!
Enough of this unpleasant reminiscence... these Bad Old Thoughts along with many others were bobbing through my head early this AM, but I firmly told myself that ACCEPTANCE was the only path. I cannot change the past, I can't influence my ex-or-current husband's basic nature or temperament, I can't reclaim what I may or may not have missed out on in the marriage/pregnancy/motherhood sweepstakes, all I can do is make the most of what I have NOW.
And I got a letter from TX AG yesterday; our child support hearing has been set for Wed 12/12. I have called to request a rescheduling for a THURS if possible (I can swing a Wed off in an emergency, but it would be So Much Easier on my pre-existing day off!) I'm quite frankly pleasantly surprised that we might get this resolved before the end of the year. Might be a Happy New Year after all ;-) !
This is the phrase that swam into my consciousness when my stressed-out mind awakened me at 4:30 AM... My all-too-short Thanksgiving holiday w/my boy has zinged by along w/the last few days, and this morning I once again relinquish him to his father's "care" (after dropping him off at bus stop, his dad will pick him up after school).
For the past 12 yrs, I have worried incessantly at each & every handoff - of course more so over prolonged absences like summer visitation or extended holidays, now less acutely as Z has grown to the stage where he can speak up for himself. How many weekends when he was littler my boy came home exhausted, hungry, filthy, sick, or injured? I've lost count. But I know these days M uses him as an unpaid farm hand/handyman's assistant on the rental properties M has "inherited" in his marriage to She Who Shall Not be Named.
Don't get me wrong; I know M has many useful skills he can demonstrate/teach Z. I give the man credit: he truly is a jack of all trades, able to do most minor & a few major household repairs. He's rebuilt cars virtually from the ground up, but such a perfectionist that I couldn't do much "with" him outside of keeping him supplied w/food & drink. (Hopefully he's an easier taskmaster w/his son) What I resent is M working Z mercilessly (he's come home more than once from a weekend's yardwork at rent houses w/open blisters on his hands, since his father failed to provide him w/GLOVES, for instance) and as always, I worry about accidents & injuries using power tools, tractors & other lawn equipment...
6 yrs ago, Z took a bad fall at his father's house, doing a belly-flop which lacerated his spleen, landed him in the hospital for 3 fun-filled days in ICU followed by 2 days on the regular ward. Thankfully he avoided surgery (the bleeding stopped spontaneously), but throughout that long, long week of hospitalization & the multiple interrogations by nurses & doctors, social workers & respiratory therapists, if I heard M express his amazement once more at how Z could have been so seriously injured from what (in HIS opinion) was a "minor" fall ("in the dirt"! as if all blunt trauma comes from Astroturf or concrete), I was ready to strangle him w/my bare hands!
So as you see, my paranoia has a solid foundation in REALITY. Well before this incident, there were plenty of others: sunburns, blistered feet from wandering onto hot tarmac, mysterious bruises (when Z admitted to a spanking once from Guess Who, I warned M that if that b!tch ever laid a hand on my son again, she would have to answer to ME - the underlying threat that I would overcome my compunction against opening a can** on someone smaller than me)
**a can of whoop-a$$, that is!
Enough of this unpleasant reminiscence... these Bad Old Thoughts along with many others were bobbing through my head early this AM, but I firmly told myself that ACCEPTANCE was the only path. I cannot change the past, I can't influence my ex-or-current husband's basic nature or temperament, I can't reclaim what I may or may not have missed out on in the marriage/pregnancy/motherhood sweepstakes, all I can do is make the most of what I have NOW.
And I got a letter from TX AG yesterday; our child support hearing has been set for Wed 12/12. I have called to request a rescheduling for a THURS if possible (I can swing a Wed off in an emergency, but it would be So Much Easier on my pre-existing day off!) I'm quite frankly pleasantly surprised that we might get this resolved before the end of the year. Might be a Happy New Year after all ;-) !
Find Your Strength
Friday, December 07, 2012
(My resident grammarian won't let me use the adjective ;-)
The fine edge of adrenalin has worn off after this AM's mad dash to the bus stop, leaving me dull-eyed w/exhaustion. Tried lying down for a few min when I dropped the doggies off at Grandma's but there's no point, my busy brain continues humming like a live wire. TGIF; I might find a noose to slip around my neck if I didn't have Dr F to cover Sat's for me now.
I can either keep floundering like this or DO SOMETHING. The swelling has almost completely receded from my R ankle as the bruises have developed deep color; my latest self-inflicted obstacle:
Mon evening; P had just flown in, we had to attend the rosary for our 55-yr old neighbor who succumbed to a brain tumor - then P went up to the house to finish his laundry & repack for the next day's travels (I joked that it was one of the shortest conjugal visits evah!), I went down to the barn to pitch hay. Lily-mule & Red Mare had gotten into the goat pen & were crashing around in the underbrush; I hopped the back fence to make certain they weren't getting into trouble. As I stepped back over the fence, I caught my R foot in the wire mesh, twisting my ankle & falling heavily to the ground. I lay there for a few minutes, fingering the cell phone in my pocket & debating whether I should call P down to help haul me out... But in the end I pulled myself painfully to my feet & limped up the hill. I asked P to make me an ice pack as I hobbled into the shower to wash off the dirt & powdered horse manure.
I tried to beg off my Tues session w/personal trainer: "I sprained my ankle!"
"That's OK, we'll just do upper-body stuff!"
Actually turned out to be a really good workout - I would never have pushed myself as hard as putting 70 lbs on the pectoral fly machine! (My pecs are still twinging today) I had enough good endorphins flowing that I was able to pedal the stationary bike for 20 min as a cool-down.
I'm not stressing about LOSING any weight over these next few wks, just avoiding GAIN. Bill the trainer will be starting a weight-loss challenge after Jan 1st & I already opened my big mouth, told him I was in - perhaps if I have a little scratch in the game it will help.
The fine edge of adrenalin has worn off after this AM's mad dash to the bus stop, leaving me dull-eyed w/exhaustion. Tried lying down for a few min when I dropped the doggies off at Grandma's but there's no point, my busy brain continues humming like a live wire. TGIF; I might find a noose to slip around my neck if I didn't have Dr F to cover Sat's for me now.
I can either keep floundering like this or DO SOMETHING. The swelling has almost completely receded from my R ankle as the bruises have developed deep color; my latest self-inflicted obstacle:
Mon evening; P had just flown in, we had to attend the rosary for our 55-yr old neighbor who succumbed to a brain tumor - then P went up to the house to finish his laundry & repack for the next day's travels (I joked that it was one of the shortest conjugal visits evah!), I went down to the barn to pitch hay. Lily-mule & Red Mare had gotten into the goat pen & were crashing around in the underbrush; I hopped the back fence to make certain they weren't getting into trouble. As I stepped back over the fence, I caught my R foot in the wire mesh, twisting my ankle & falling heavily to the ground. I lay there for a few minutes, fingering the cell phone in my pocket & debating whether I should call P down to help haul me out... But in the end I pulled myself painfully to my feet & limped up the hill. I asked P to make me an ice pack as I hobbled into the shower to wash off the dirt & powdered horse manure.
I tried to beg off my Tues session w/personal trainer: "I sprained my ankle!"
"That's OK, we'll just do upper-body stuff!"
Actually turned out to be a really good workout - I would never have pushed myself as hard as putting 70 lbs on the pectoral fly machine! (My pecs are still twinging today) I had enough good endorphins flowing that I was able to pedal the stationary bike for 20 min as a cool-down.
I'm not stressing about LOSING any weight over these next few wks, just avoiding GAIN. Bill the trainer will be starting a weight-loss challenge after Jan 1st & I already opened my big mouth, told him I was in - perhaps if I have a little scratch in the game it will help.
T Minus 72 hrs & Counting
Monday, December 10, 2012
The swelling has almost completely receded from my R ankle; I have only a slight limp. I had apparently torqued my knee & hip in the fall; the pain radiated all the way up my leg early on, before I got somewhat warmed up... A bruise appeared at the top of my thigh, where the fence wire creased me.
My boy & I have been working our way through "Breaking Bad"** (currently into Season 3); we've generally watched one episode per evening, but doubled-up last Thurs in anticipation of Z's weekend away. 4 d until our next fix, with the drama building?!? But I won't cheat on my boy by watching anything in advance. I arrange myself into "my" corner of the couch, and Z leans back against me. Sweet! 45 min of bliss.
**count on us to only be 3 or 4 yrs behind the latest trends ;-)
Meditations on the nature of good & evil are brought into sharp focus by tight, well-acted drama like BB... Our child support review hearing has been rescheduled for this Thurs 12/13; I'm hoping to take full advantage of that Lucky 13! See if you can spare some positive thoughts around 3 PM CST. I'll be the one either celebrating or looking to drown my sorrows thereafter.
My boy & I have been working our way through "Breaking Bad"** (currently into Season 3); we've generally watched one episode per evening, but doubled-up last Thurs in anticipation of Z's weekend away. 4 d until our next fix, with the drama building?!? But I won't cheat on my boy by watching anything in advance. I arrange myself into "my" corner of the couch, and Z leans back against me. Sweet! 45 min of bliss.
**count on us to only be 3 or 4 yrs behind the latest trends ;-)
Meditations on the nature of good & evil are brought into sharp focus by tight, well-acted drama like BB... Our child support review hearing has been rescheduled for this Thurs 12/13; I'm hoping to take full advantage of that Lucky 13! See if you can spare some positive thoughts around 3 PM CST. I'll be the one either celebrating or looking to drown my sorrows thereafter.
T Minus 48 hrs & Counting
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The joke is on me - only w/my wacky metabolism could I start the Potato Diet yesterday and GAIN a pound today...
I've been following the spirited debate on several forums: eating a bland diet of potatoes will resent your taste buds as well as your gut flora; people are having phenomenal results... No hunger, restful sleep, plenty of energy - it's all good, no? Is it the favorable pattern of amino acids, the low sodium/high potassium ratios? The potato, nature's miracle food!
Oh well - this AM I'm bloated & logy despite a fairly-decent night's sleep, so I went ahead & switched back to normal high-protein breakfast of eggs/sausage/biscuit. The dogs split my hash browns ;-)
I may continue in a more hodge-podge fashion, as some have done by just substituting 1 or 2 meals w/pure potatoes. I certainly enjoy my potato soup in this chilly weather:
3 c chicken broth
2 tsp butter
1/2 c diced onion (sorry, folks, I left that out earlier! I'm not a big "oniony" person, but it adds nice flavor)
2 large potatoes, peeled & diced
Sprinkle of parsley, dash of salt & pepper
Boil for 20 min, lightly mash, voila!
I'm trying not to dwell on the child support hearing, coming up in 2 short days. My worst-case-scenario-meter keeps displaying what I fear most: that M could spring another Custody War on me - things could go even FURTHER south for me if Z decided to go live w/his father, then I'd wind up paying child support to M. Perish that thought!
I dutifully fill out the financial questionnaire to submit to the child support officer, smiling as I think of how much M will HATE this - having to lay his cards on the table. Of course I don't put it past him to lie through his teeth - he lied to me for many years, why would he have any compunctions against lying to a complete stranger, even under threat of perjury?!? I spent some more time on the phone, clarifying whether the info requested "at time of last support order" referred to our original divorce decree ('99), the 1st custody battle ('03), or the modification M filed which went into effect in 2010? (The lady I spoke to said the original decree; there will be some creative accounting there - I have only the vaguest recollection of what my assets were 13 yrs ago!)
This should be a fairly simple & straightforward process (nevermind my agonizing months of fence-sitting/decision-making ): look at our original divorce decree ($1400/month); compare to M's current salary (which I'm sure is well into the 6 figures these days). If they decide that $800/mon is fair & reasonable, you will never hear another word of complaint from me... But of course NOTHING w/M is simple or straightforward. One step at a time, Val, just keep on headin' towards the light!
I've been following the spirited debate on several forums: eating a bland diet of potatoes will resent your taste buds as well as your gut flora; people are having phenomenal results... No hunger, restful sleep, plenty of energy - it's all good, no? Is it the favorable pattern of amino acids, the low sodium/high potassium ratios? The potato, nature's miracle food!
Oh well - this AM I'm bloated & logy despite a fairly-decent night's sleep, so I went ahead & switched back to normal high-protein breakfast of eggs/sausage/biscuit. The dogs split my hash browns ;-)
I may continue in a more hodge-podge fashion, as some have done by just substituting 1 or 2 meals w/pure potatoes. I certainly enjoy my potato soup in this chilly weather:
3 c chicken broth
2 tsp butter
1/2 c diced onion (sorry, folks, I left that out earlier! I'm not a big "oniony" person, but it adds nice flavor)
2 large potatoes, peeled & diced
Sprinkle of parsley, dash of salt & pepper
Boil for 20 min, lightly mash, voila!
I'm trying not to dwell on the child support hearing, coming up in 2 short days. My worst-case-scenario-meter keeps displaying what I fear most: that M could spring another Custody War on me - things could go even FURTHER south for me if Z decided to go live w/his father, then I'd wind up paying child support to M. Perish that thought!
I dutifully fill out the financial questionnaire to submit to the child support officer, smiling as I think of how much M will HATE this - having to lay his cards on the table. Of course I don't put it past him to lie through his teeth - he lied to me for many years, why would he have any compunctions against lying to a complete stranger, even under threat of perjury?!? I spent some more time on the phone, clarifying whether the info requested "at time of last support order" referred to our original divorce decree ('99), the 1st custody battle ('03), or the modification M filed which went into effect in 2010? (The lady I spoke to said the original decree; there will be some creative accounting there - I have only the vaguest recollection of what my assets were 13 yrs ago!)
This should be a fairly simple & straightforward process (nevermind my agonizing months of fence-sitting/decision-making ): look at our original divorce decree ($1400/month); compare to M's current salary (which I'm sure is well into the 6 figures these days). If they decide that $800/mon is fair & reasonable, you will never hear another word of complaint from me... But of course NOTHING w/M is simple or straightforward. One step at a time, Val, just keep on headin' towards the light!
I'm An Idiot
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I think I "wished" for this to be resolved so hard, I actually believed in my own delusion...
The damn hearing isn't scheduled for TOMORROW; it's scheduled for 12/20.
(Insert curse words here) I want so badly for this to be resolved - but now it will continue to hang over my & Z's head all the way through Finals Week. Let's hope my boy is as good at taking tests as I once was...
I'm also crabby & irritable bcz I just KNEW it, M couldn't leave well enough alone - had to drag poor Z into this child support debacle! Z came home to my mom's yesterday & was extremely worried about this "court hearing". Mom handled it well w/out going into too much backstory or details, but then of course Z had more q's for ME when we had some privacy:
Why couldn't we just call the whole thing off? (well, bcz fair is fair, honey)
What would happen if one or the other of us just didn't show up? (Z also seemed to be under the impression that the hearing was TODAY; I told him no, it had been rescheduled for Thurs)
Anyway, I tried as best I could to reassure him - that it wasn't his problem, this was between his father & myself, don't worry, we were going to work this out, etc...
Then Z ended up w/the piece de resistance: he grandly announced that his father was getting ready to RETIRE soon, so no income equaled no more child support!
I couldn't help it - I burst out laughing. "Oh, honey, all of us should be so lucky as to retire at age 50!"
I didn't bother to explain that even when you retire, you still have an INCOME. Damn don't you know this makes me hate M even worse, stressing Z out like this especially right before finals! I sent him a TM last night just to be sure we were on the right page:
"Heads up - while I deeply regret that you have given Z cause to worry himself re: child support issues - our hearing has been rescheduled for Thurs 12/13 @ 3 PM (Z seemed to be under the impression that it was tomorrow)"
As soon as I sent it, I turned off my phone bcz I certainly wasn't going to get dragged into any arguments last night!
Too bad we can't get this behind us - M didn't reply until midday today - an almost-monosyllabic response that the hearing is 12/20 not 12/13. Again, I feel like an idiot.
The damn hearing isn't scheduled for TOMORROW; it's scheduled for 12/20.
(Insert curse words here) I want so badly for this to be resolved - but now it will continue to hang over my & Z's head all the way through Finals Week. Let's hope my boy is as good at taking tests as I once was...
I'm also crabby & irritable bcz I just KNEW it, M couldn't leave well enough alone - had to drag poor Z into this child support debacle! Z came home to my mom's yesterday & was extremely worried about this "court hearing". Mom handled it well w/out going into too much backstory or details, but then of course Z had more q's for ME when we had some privacy:
Why couldn't we just call the whole thing off? (well, bcz fair is fair, honey)
What would happen if one or the other of us just didn't show up? (Z also seemed to be under the impression that the hearing was TODAY; I told him no, it had been rescheduled for Thurs)
Anyway, I tried as best I could to reassure him - that it wasn't his problem, this was between his father & myself, don't worry, we were going to work this out, etc...
Then Z ended up w/the piece de resistance: he grandly announced that his father was getting ready to RETIRE soon, so no income equaled no more child support!
I couldn't help it - I burst out laughing. "Oh, honey, all of us should be so lucky as to retire at age 50!"
I didn't bother to explain that even when you retire, you still have an INCOME. Damn don't you know this makes me hate M even worse, stressing Z out like this especially right before finals! I sent him a TM last night just to be sure we were on the right page:
"Heads up - while I deeply regret that you have given Z cause to worry himself re: child support issues - our hearing has been rescheduled for Thurs 12/13 @ 3 PM (Z seemed to be under the impression that it was tomorrow)"
As soon as I sent it, I turned off my phone bcz I certainly wasn't going to get dragged into any arguments last night!
Too bad we can't get this behind us - M didn't reply until midday today - an almost-monosyllabic response that the hearing is 12/20 not 12/13. Again, I feel like an idiot.
Re-starting the Countdown
Monday, December 17, 2012
...in other words, AGAIN it is T-minus 72 hrs and counting...
Depression weighed me down like the proverbial anchor this weekend, sucking every last drop of joy out of my time w/my son... So it was a relief when he opted to have a sleepover w/a friend Fri night - that only left me w/minor awkwardness: a "Home Alone" evening w/P. Thankfully we were both tired - P still catching up on sleep after last-night arrival Wed/early alarm on Thurs, myself having "two Wed's in one week" when my associate took Fri off. So after stuffing our faces with Tex-Mex, it seemed completely natural to stagger home & collapse in bed early - that's just the way we roll!
I need to start keeping a notepad by the bed, but it would probably be counterproductive if I starting keeping hash marks of how many times I woke up to the sound of P's snores... Needless to say it was a great relief when he had to fly out yesterday, yielding me an interrupted night's sleep last night (getting up but once to empty Ye Olde Weak Bladder feels like luxury).
So what is it, Frau Doktor: the same unholy combination of exhaustion/poor nutrition/chronic stress that typically harshes your mellow? Back to T minus 72 hrs & counting until the damned hearing; the stress load should be somewhat lightened then... Simply KNOWING roughly the way things might unfold: will AG force M to pay up what's in arrears? & will $940/month be The New Normal??
And of course we'll see if M has any tricks up his sleeves; will he come lawyered up, ready to hash out another custody battle? (surely the AG's office would be required to warn me)
All this & more on our next exciting episode of How Val's World Turns!
Depression weighed me down like the proverbial anchor this weekend, sucking every last drop of joy out of my time w/my son... So it was a relief when he opted to have a sleepover w/a friend Fri night - that only left me w/minor awkwardness: a "Home Alone" evening w/P. Thankfully we were both tired - P still catching up on sleep after last-night arrival Wed/early alarm on Thurs, myself having "two Wed's in one week" when my associate took Fri off. So after stuffing our faces with Tex-Mex, it seemed completely natural to stagger home & collapse in bed early - that's just the way we roll!
I need to start keeping a notepad by the bed, but it would probably be counterproductive if I starting keeping hash marks of how many times I woke up to the sound of P's snores... Needless to say it was a great relief when he had to fly out yesterday, yielding me an interrupted night's sleep last night (getting up but once to empty Ye Olde Weak Bladder feels like luxury).
So what is it, Frau Doktor: the same unholy combination of exhaustion/poor nutrition/chronic stress that typically harshes your mellow? Back to T minus 72 hrs & counting until the damned hearing; the stress load should be somewhat lightened then... Simply KNOWING roughly the way things might unfold: will AG force M to pay up what's in arrears? & will $940/month be The New Normal??
And of course we'll see if M has any tricks up his sleeves; will he come lawyered up, ready to hash out another custody battle? (surely the AG's office would be required to warn me)
All this & more on our next exciting episode of How Val's World Turns!
