Biosecurity

 Why on earth I do not SPEAK UP when I perceive a real or potential problem brewing? Is it the fact of Z's extreme volatility/similarity to his father - don't want to trigger his wrath?? At this rate he'll soon surmount a body count superior to your own between Sheila (baby boa escapee), Tripod (injury/sepsis beardie baby), Amal (gecko heat stress), Coyote (baby tegu, probably snatched by feral cat), new beardie female baked on porch, and baby beardie w/presumed impaction (necropsy pending).

Rock Bottom?

Sunday, July 01, 2012

If I only knew what "rock bottom" looked like, perhaps I could identify it... Maybe this means I haven't hit it (yet)?!?!?

But it was NOT a pretty sight, when I took my mom to the big sale at Dillard's & tried on a long flowing gauze dress (what I envisioned as nice "après ride" wear for NM).

"Oh my GOD, Becky, look at her BUTT!" (cue music here) except in my case it ain't my butt, it's the rolls around my torso... (Let's just say the semi-fitted bodice & delicate lil' elasticized cap sleeves were NOT flattering!) Now, if I could have detached the layered skirt & just found a flattering top?!? So I regretfully replaced it on the rack w/the thought that Something's Gotta Give...

Mom didn't see anything that suited her either, but I did drop by Ross on the way home & bought a couple of short gauze smocks WITHOUT trying 'em on. This morning I put on the purple Dashiki print which makes me resemble a big round eggplant but what the hey, it ain't a fashion show out there, lucky for me!

The stress of these past few mos has led to my regaining virtually every damn pound (OK all but 3!) that I had originally peeled off by diligent effort these past 2.5 yrs... I'm advertising to find my lost mojo, but she hasn't shown up yet.

Friday I filed my case w/TX Atty Gen's office against Ex to bring child support up to equitable levels. It's something I've been on the fence about for many mos now, but if anything his behavior is escalating - since he married long-term GF last yr, he's gotten MUCH worse! Ex refused to let me see my son this weekend as requested BECAUSE I SENT THE EMAIL ON THE 16th INSTEAD OF THE 15th!!! It's a completely effed up situation; you would think we've only been divorced for TWO yrs instead of TWELVE! & all those mos of court-ordered family therapy obviously weren't worth a bucket of warm spit either. I was going to go out this morning for a little "home therapy" w/my horse but couldn't muster the enthusiasm for it...

At least I made it by the gym for a short session - hard to force myself thru that door, but went alright once I got warmed up (25 min elliptical, about 5 min on weights)
Note to self: do NOT let over a month elapse between kettle bell workouts!

I know Ex is going to blow a gasket when he gets that notification, but I will take precautions. No melodrama, just the facts ma'am: he threatened me years ago when the fresh sh!t was hitting the fan (no I did not succeed in getting a restraining order at the time bcz of my lawyer's incompetence - she let it deteriorate into a "He Said/She Said" debacle). I wish I could predict which way this will turn out, but the man's a complete stranger to me now & he certainly doesn't have his son's best interests at heart (I indulged myself in a few dry sobs this AM on elliptical when I had the gym to myself; what's the diagnosis when you WANT to weep but cannot?)... It might be either:
A.) he lawyers up & countersues for full custody
B.) he comes after me (believe me, I've replayed many versions of his possible apocalyptic meltdown as I've laid awake at night)
C.) least likely of all, he sees the error of his ways & simply pays up (ha ha ha ha, thanks I needed a good laugh!)... We can SAVE those thousands of $$$ in legal fees that rightfully should be put away for my son's education.

I quite pointedly call Z "MY" son (which would get me in hot water, legally & psych-profile-wise, since of course he was not an Immaculate Conception!) since none of Ex's actions have been those of a caring father - hell, he started the fight w/me over this weekend right in front of Z! as I'm sure he has since devoted a great amount of time since in running me down & explaining to Z why (in his opinion) things "HAVE" to be this way (he's a great one for self-justification)...

My poor angel. 4 more weeks.

Readying for Departure

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Parents,
 
Just a reminder that we will NOT have 7 on 7 for the remainder of the summer. Your Monday nights are now free!
 
We will hold the Freshman Football Retreat this coming Friday the 13th at Bishop Lynch from 1:00-5:00. I will send more information about this event, but I first need to know if any players will not be able to attend. Please let me know if your son will be absent as soon as possible.
 
Thank you
(Coach D)

I read this morning's email w/the queerest mixture of elation & disgust... Of course since Z is at his father's this month, this falls completely w/in Michael's domain: he will either take Z or he won't, it's out of my hands. So far I'm happy to report that he HAS been taking Z to summer football practice & hopefully will continue to do so... He'll have this Freshman Football Camp Fri the 13th & mandatory sports-evaluation physicals on Sat the 21st (if Michael fails to take him, all Z's hard work will have been for naught). There again, fretting about it is counterproductive; I'll be hundreds of miles away on my annual pilgrimage in NM - therein lies the GUILT!

As much as I b!tch about my Ex, if he DIDN'T have Z this month, I wouldn't be able to go to NM w/such unfettered freedom (yeah, I know I could work it out w/P, but would likely cut trip short, there again out of GUILT). But there are no other such events, where I can take a week off work, & get in 6 d of riding: the most bang for my bucks! (when people ask me, I tell 'em I can have all the vacation I'm willing to pay for!)

I've been on pins & needles ever since I got those forms notarized & filed w/Attorney General to bring Z's child support up to equitable levels. It's the least I can do - I owe my boy that much! Those are funds I can squirrel away for Z's "car & college" fund - even as I grin evilly & think how much I would PREFER he continue to live at home after high school... Hopefully he will still be fond enough of Mom to see how good that will be - saving $$$ until he gets his career up to speed...

(AND HIS FATHER WON'T BE ABLE TO DRAG HIM AWAY ON THE WEEKENDS AGAINST HIS WILL)- it's GOOD to be able to purge those evil anti-co-parenting thoughts here, my dear SparkFriends, really clears out those bad vapors! If I'm extra-special lucky, Z will even be willing to accompany me on some travels (that my husband doesn't seem interested in): Machu Picchu, the Galapagos, the Middle East...

Meanwhile I'm perusing some destination half's - while I may wind up just staying right here for our Big D event in Dec**, I'm considering Anaheim or Phoenix in Jan? Carpe Diem, after all.

**my associate Lydia (looking disgustingly slender BTW ;-) may train for that marathon; her 2nd after sneaking out & doing her 1st in May! Yes I freely admit to jealousy, but a half is enough of a commitment for me... (breaking 3 hrs still sounds like an unachievable pinnacle)

Your Mileage May Vary

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Going over my mental packing list (CANNOT forget to go by pharmacy today & P/U refill of thyroid meds; that could make for a VERY UGLY week!) as my countdown for departure narrows, narrows, narrows...

(My friend Ann left last night, so she's probably approaching Roswell - 70 mi from Ft Stanton - as I type this)

Still shaking my head as I go over yesterday's Big Communication Bust w/hubby, but sorry - in this case I assign myself virtually NIL of the responsibility; how could any reasonable person perceive otherwise?

It has been hellaciously busy at work - if I know anything, I know I have EARNED this week's vacation! but I took a few moments yesterday afternoon to fire off an email to hubby (I had spoken to him briefly on the phone on lunchtime):

"Honey I forgot to mention - w/today's whacky schedule I am going to try to hit the gym for a lite workout tonight...

Hopefully 6:30'ish??

Call ya later, back into surgery for me now"

He replied w/in a short time w/a single letter: "K"

WWARPA: What Would A Reasonable Person Assume? (knowing full well what they say about ASSUMING) but I took that "K" as meaning OK, see ya there!

I dragged my poor tired carcass into the gym, climbed on the elliptical, and watched the clock. It ticked, the time scrolled down, there were no signs of Hubby. My 20 min elapsed, I paused & went to my phone - guess what, joke's on me, he ain't coming!

Maybe it's a minor thing to get upset about - I'm the first to admit, yes of course it is! After all, it doesn't affect MY own health & fitness in the slightest if Hubs skips a workout... but to me it's sad & upsetting bcz it just outlines the big smoking crater of miscommunication in the middle of our relationship.

I'll be glad to be getting out of town for a while to contemplate The Big Picture.

Got What I Came For

Monday, July 23, 2012

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sometimes it seems all my wayward surfing-around unearths one (or more) helpful pieces of information...

I came back early from my NM vacation (details to follow), proudly bearing proof of what I had set out to do: 3 days in a row on the Baraquinator, 100 mi yielded me an attractive blue fleece vest!

(Sahara, my QH mare, earned me the nylon jacket in '04, followed up w/MORE good luck in '07 - 3 d on my son's intrepid lil' red mule Midge earned me a hoodie)

But other than these happy occasions, it's seemed like long spells of drought - inevitably, something interferes w/me being able to (successfully) complete the whole week's event. Baraq's endurance career especially seems to be marred w/fitful starts n' stops! & of course, I'm sure in LARGE part (all puns intended) that can be blamed on a relatively small horse being forced to carry a big load (squints in mirror).

Anyway, so it made this minor victory especially poignant - I have threatened to "re-home" Baraq several times to even the playing field for him; no telling what he could accomplish carrying 40 or 50 less lbs of rider! He finished this 100 miles looking as if he'd barely trotted around the block, but my knees, lower back & ankles were about to give out. I'm certain he could have kept on going, but I decided to let the mule earn her oats on Day 4.

Unfortunately standing around in camp & growing bonded to her surroundings did NOT improve her cooperation - she was acting up as I tried to sweep her into the flow leaving camp Thurs morning... I even asked my friend Carol to lead Baraq out & across the road as "bait" (Alex LOVES Baraq, even though he acts as if he'd like to kick & bite her ;-)

When the object of her undying affection was taken away, Alex continued to plunge & rear - & finally her head swung back as I was leaning forward, & she smacked me square in the nose! My poor mashed snozz promptly began to bleed freely, saturating my shirt, sports bra, & saddle cover - so I had to call it a day & trudge back to camp. (Thanks goodness dear Carol promptly made me an ice pack) So I came back triumphant, but sporting a nice black eye! I'll try to post a photo tomorrow, it's been another day at the races back at work today (between many explanations of "What Happened").

Pictures Speak Louder than Words

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Looking across camp from the shade of my horse trailer...


Sunset over Capitan Gap



I wish these all hadn't turned out sideways, but here I am 12 hrs post injury
(I'll post 7 d followup mañana)

One Week Later...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Buddy-dog woke me from VERY deep sleep @ 7:40 AM & I am still having a hard time getting my rump in gear. Fairly decent night's rest, only had to get up once to pee around 2 AM (Rule One of chronic insomniacs is don't watch the clock, but I invariably must glance at it to verify how exact my internal clock remains... Most of the time it's pretty darn close!)

Added a lil' Folger's instant to my AM protein shake; let's hope that props my eyelids open so I can finish what I started - getting the house ready for my son's return TOMORROW!

In many ways, these last few days have been more stressful than the entire interminable 5-wk period; the anticipation is KILLING me! Another mirthless laugh is forced from my lips as I read the email from Ex:


On Wed, Jul 25, 2012 at 10:49 Mike wrote:
Val,

As you know my summer visit with Zach ends this Friday at 6p. I am planning on spending Friday with the boys trying to make progress on some repairs to Zach's old farm truck. We can meet somewhere between us at 6p for you to pick him up. Do you have a preference on meeting spots?

Mike

Never mind that he originally collected Z at noontime on Fri 6/22; he's going to draw things out & make me wait until the proscribed 6 PM "standard pickup time". (& believe me, the only reason he's not forcing me to drive the 85 mi out to HIS place is bcz it would upset She Who Must Not Be Named to see my smilin' face!!!)
That's OK, it's all good... Simplifies a lot of potential maneuvering if I had needed to pick Z up earlier in the day, although I'm sure I will be an irritable short-tempered wreck by Fri afternoon as I count off the final hrs!

M's time will come - I've received letters from AG confirming receipt of my paperwork, assigning our case # & delegated office; now the only thing to do is WAIT.
I'm pretty good at that. Seems I've been putting off "MY time in the sun" for years & years now; all this has accomplished is to WASTE a whole lot of that precious irreplaceable sands-through-the-hourglass. (random memory: my mom was an inveterate soap opera fan so I have that theme from "Days of Our Lives" burned indelibly into my subconscious ;-)

For once I made the time to attend two of my NM friend Jake's yoga classes & they were AWESOME! He works in Iyengar yoga, which is much more concerned w/proper form & breathing technique than the calisthenic-like routines of more Westernized classes I have attended... We only worked on a handful of postures but spent about 10 min on each one, until everyone was as close to optimal as they could achieve. (Jake complimented me on my downward dog ;-) He also gave me the name of a good yoga studio which as it turns out, won't be too far from my son's new HS - karma, anyone?



www.iyengar-yoga.com/iye
ngaryoga/

iPad is NOT cooperating w/photo download; I was going to show you a picture of my almost-back-to-normal face (one dark bruise under R eye)... I have had the strangest fleeting-headachy pains which I trust are bone & cartilage knitting back together, & these past couple of days my nose ITCHES, which is annoying since of course to scratch is to cause pain! But I reiterate, there's a lot worse things that mule could have broken on me than my NOSE; we'll get back to work this weekend. As I was mentioning to one of my friends, w/my boy entering into the mad rush of high school, I will have to be very selective about the (few) rides we'll be able to attend (page update to follow!) But there will be a new 3-d ride in NM in Oct that I think I will be just selfish enough to haul back for - it doesn't fall on a "Z weekend" but this opportunity may not repeat itself. We spent a little time re-living old rides, & bemoaning those that we missed out on.



(Home computer could do it - here I am 7 d after "close encounter of the nasal kind" w/darling lil' Alex's forehead!)

Are You Lonely Tonight?

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Great, another attack of insomnia, & I'm supposed to be enjoying my vacation!

Not the easiest thing to do when I feel like the walking dead...

Filled w/self-doubt & trepidation: I changed up our original plans; mentioned to coastal chum Janis earlier this summer that I would "share" Z during this ONE precious week of NO football practices... However, as these interminable weeks have dragged on, I reneged - went ahead & arranged to take this week off so I could drive Z down to Rockport myself, spend a couple of days w/J & her husband Charles (whom Z has really taken a shine to; I figure he needs all the positive male role models in his life that he can get) - & now we've swung out W to revisit a couple of our favorite places, Ft Davis & Balmorhea.

I'm sure I hurt Janis's feelings somewhat - they were planning on having Z for this entire week, but I hope she understood. As I told her, I already feel as if great bleeding chunks of Z's childhood have been torn away from me; I'll take advantage of every iota of "Mommy & Me" time Z will tolerate! Who knows, after a few months of high school, he may not WANT to hang out w/boring ol' Mom anymore...

Tonight M called Z on my cell phone; 3.5 min which filled me w/inexplicable fury**... I'm really really tired at this point, which has made me especially short-tempered - could easily envision myself having a mini-meltdown, screaming "You've had him for FIVE SOLID WEEKS, LEAVE US ALONE!" I only have these 7 precious days until we're back to the grind of my work, & Z's football practices.

**not so inexplicable when I overheard the whine of She Who Shall Not Be Named when SHE got on the line w/Z - I definitely wanted to scream, b!tch-slap, pull hair! I must "co-parent" w/Z's father (have I told you how much I HATE that term, my dear SparkFriends?!?!?), but I shouldn't have to share w/that creature.

Life is quite definitely not fair! But now I'm going to try to lie down & at least close my eyes; this mini-vent did me some good...

All Good Things Must Come to an End...

Sunday, August 05, 2012

Well, folks, I'm sitting in the nice sparklin' new Holiday Inn Express in Sweetwater, TX (where I could use a regular computer terminal - much faster typing for moi than on the iPad!) - getting ready to go back upstairs in a few min, wake up my boy, & take the final leg of our Big Texas Road Trip on home...

I indulged myself in a few minutes of silent weeping** when Z "hooded up" yesterday evening as we left Balmorhea to drive East as far as my stamina would hold up. (That setting sun was blazing low through the truck windows; Z couldn't see his laptop screen so he used one of my horse coolers - the brand new, clean one that has never been placed on an equine yet! Are you kidding, in 100+ degree weather?!? to cover himself up & create a mini-"man/boy cave") If need be, I could have driven all the way in - but I would have gotten in about 2 AM & my mommy cheerfully volunteered to spring for this night's lodging! I used that as an example to Z that "Mommies NEVER stop worrying about their children!"
Thanks Mom!

I stumbled into the lobby of this Holiday Inn last night shortly after 9 PM - at that stage of fatigue where I COULD have gone on if I had started heavily caffeinating - but the young desk clerk had everything ready: "YOU'RE the one whose mom called to set everything up for ya!" It made me feel about 16 again :-)

I got another greatly needed boost to my self-esteem when we stopped at a truck stop in Stanton for dinner: after a couple of hrs' swimming at Balmorhea (Google it; absolutely BEAUTIFUL natural springs w/a man-made CCC swimming pool, circa 1940? We'd never get away w/that kind of unnatural manipulation of the environment in this day & age ;-) - we had climbed into the truck still in our swimsuits to start driving... I was walking back to the ladies' room to change & couldn't help checking myself out in a full-length mirror. I actually thought I looked OKAY - bigger around through the torso than I'd like, but my posture was good & my legs looked great! The short time in the sun had given my skin a nice glow...

I haven't climbed on the scales for several weeks now; plan on avoiding them for at least another week until we settle back into our routine. It would be counterproductive.

**I was tired, feeling stressed out after haggling w/Z - after only about an hour of swim time at Balmorhea, he was hassling me to GO! yes, it's true the pool was more crowded than we've ever seen it; in years past we've been spoiled by having it (by comparison) virtually to ourselves - but I thought the spectacle of many many sweet young things in bikinis would keep Z distracted! He only snorkeled w/me for a short time, wouldn't wear his wetsuit (the water is a chilly 72 degrees so you need to keep strokin' or wear a wetsuit), & sat sullenly on the edge when I said I wanted to complete my circuit of the perimeter of the pool... I love to observe the pupfish, could also float out to the peaceful center (30' deep), doing a dead man's float & pretending to be in glorious solitude. One thing I CAN do is FLOAT like a cork (in calm water); this also did wonders for my self-esteem after my "head above water" scare at the lake for Z's BD in June...

I was actually starting to rub blisters on my feet in my ill-fitting rented swim fins, so I satisfied myself w/1 hr 45 min of precious water time; we'll definitely be back! Next time I'll plan farther in advance, so we can stay at the state park & I can soak up all the 'water therapy' this Pisces needs!

A Few Photos from our Trip (aka the Tour de Tejas)

Monday, August 06, 2012

Mommy & Me photo, on jeep tour of Ft Davis (Sproul Ranch)
I shouldn't have bragged earlier about my POSTURE?!?!?


Lion's Head rock, hiking near Ft Davis (Chihuahuan Desert Institute)
This is one of the EASY sections of the trail; it was extremely rough & challenging - I thought I was doing GREAT to average 2.6 MPH! (using neat-o new "All-Sport GPS" app on my iPhone)


My sullen teenager at Balmorhea State Park: "Can we go now?"


Hitting the home stretch; happy dog & hooded teen

Misery Loves Company

Thursday, August 09, 2012

(subtitle: will Val NEVER learn?!?!?)

I love Garrison Keillor (although I'll have to admit, he's grown a little boring & repetitious these past few yrs - but hell, if I had to write his show every wk for 35+ yrs, I would burn out even more quickly!) - in one of his Lake Woebegone monologues, he said: "Nothing takes the starch out of a man [sic] like diarrhea!"

Eventually I WILL teach myself that I cannot eat this fast food K*R*A*P anymore; it brings me misery! But schedule has been disrupted w/evening football practices - in a very real sense, I will be happy for school to start so Z can start riding that bus...

Yeah I know - excuses, excuses, that's all I seem to be good for these days. At least I dragged my carcass into the gym yesterday, cranked out 20 min on TM & about 10 min on weight machines...

Unfortunately I haven't swung ANY of my kettlebells since I picked up my new 20-pounder almost TWO MONTHS ago!?!?!? I don't get my self-defeatist tendencies sometimes... Same ol', same ol' perfectionism - if I can't have everything "MY" way, then the hell w/it!

I came across this by one of my favorite bloggers (fellow survivor of Divorce Wars; as I titled this post: "Misery loves company"!) which resonated w/me:

"I am mad that some kids are doomed before they’re born, while other kids are born into charmed lives.
I am mad at those members of the 1% who sit on their yachts and in their golf carts, clueless about the lives those at the bottom of the 99% endure.
I am mad that some people will never get ahead, no matter how hard they toil, while others will fail up, effortlessly.
I am mad that people die because they don’t have health insurance, or because they don’t have air conditioning in a heat wave, or because they have the wrong skin color and cross paths with a bigot with a gun.
I am mad at the needless chaos of my ridiculous divorce, mad that I have to work full-time in a grueling job for so little money, mad that I have been so consumed the last nine years trying to fend off a vengeful ex — who is now off somewhere in Europe for two months, blissfully unaffected by anything except his own wants — and keep my head above water, that I haven’t been able to give my kids the childhood they deserve.
I am stupidly, pointlessly mad at injustice. It’s times like these that I wish I had religion, intelligent, irreverent, Anne Lamott religion. I wish I could believe that things happened for a reason, or that I could fix things that are broken."

Here's the link to her blog if anyone wants to read the entire entry:



perilsofdivorcedpauline.
com/

At least I made some progress by going by (nice upscale) grocery store on N side of town (i.e. killing time before picking up Z from football) - buying chicken breasts, pork chops, veggies so I can get back in the habit of cooking at HOME... I'm no Julia Child, but the food I prepare is vastly superior to most of what is readily available "on the road"!

My GI tract will appreciate it anyway ;-)

Build Your Vocabulary

Friday, August 10, 2012

I suppose most folks have stumbled across the term schadenfreude, the German word meaning happiness at another's misfortunes... However, I seem to be more often afflicted by a worse tongue-twister: erfolgtraurigkeit, a hybridized Germanic term to explain SADNESS brought about by another's successes.

It filled me w/inexplicable fury mixed w/corrosive jealousy when I saw that former compadre L had succeeded in her Tevis quest; I thought it was in even poorer taste when she taunted her ex openly on FB:

"U have do it! at least once in your life you have to experience the tevis trail with ur horse. Practice in hills like bandra*! Bubba chance can do it! I'll crew 4 u! Full body clip (for bubba not you!). practice in the hill country, and lots on electrolytes bring lianne with u and well crew together! Do it for YOU! You'll absolutely love it!!! Don't let your life go by without this experience. You have absolutely no idea how amazing it Is! Leave 7IL** behind for a couple weeks... You'll never regret it, I promise you!"

*[sic] she means BANDERA (TX Hill Country); her grammar/spelling make me cringe but that's another critique

**the 7iL is her ex-husband's 2000 ac family ranch in SE Texas

Her ex-husband found her awesome TWH horse after L abandoned her search for "The Perfect Mule" in '03 (I should tone down the snark, since if it weren't for L, we never would have had the privilege of owning our nearly-perfectly angel Midge) - her photos clearly display the 7iL brand on Bono's hip. I myself would have modified it - I don't think I could live w/that constant reminder of the life that Might Have Been...

Of course, I was never one of L's closest friends or confidantes, but many of us were flabbergasted when she abruptly pulled up stakes, left her husband of 6 or 7 yrs, & emigrated to CA. Perhaps I take marriage far too seriously - although D was too much of an all-around Nice Guy to appeal to me ;-) - we really couldn't understand what made L jump & run...

Until we saw the FB photos of her new beau, w/whom she almost immediately seemed to be cohabitating. Yeah, yeah, blame it all on jealousy - NOT!

I am too much a creature of habit, I guess - all this drama & excitement appeal to me not at all.

This post has taken far too much of a dog-in-the-manger turn; I ought to delete it but instead I'll let it stand.

Forging Onwards

 Forging, clipping, interfering - call it what you will, but I'll keep stockpiling these Priceless Documents.

My Black Dog

Sunday, March 11, 2012

...I've felt her sniffing at my heels, ready to crawl into my lap & smother me if I let down my guard, quit moving, succumb to the urge to hibernate.
(Winston Churchill referred to his depression as "the black dog" - hey! I happen to be rather fond of ordinary black dogs ;-) so I don't mind appropriating this great man's metaphor.)

4 hrs ago, I was unloading 350 lbs of feed in the drizzling rain... I had left the house under gray, leaden skies, hoping to finish my errand before the rains resumed. (no such luck) I HATE packing & getting trailer loaded in rainy muddy weather, it slows me way down & makes the whole process many times more difficult. However, the rain clouds cleared out a couple of hrs ago; we've now got clear blue skies & mild springtime temperatures!

"WELCOME TO TEXAS" - it figures, well after the tipping point when I could have gotten in a short training ride in preparation for next weekend's 50 mi ride... T'aint Baraq I'm worried about; I'll be the weak link on this trip. As long as we take it slow, we should be alright.

Step 1: the farrier was out Thurs (my day off) to tack some shoes on my lil' mudball.
Step 2: took truck in for routine service; while I have roadside assistance, I'd rather NOT have to call 'em!
Step 3: stripped bed linens, swept & cleaned out living quarters of trailer. (cleaning out horse compartment delayed - when sun came out, I locked the young dogs in it so chickens could come out & enjoy this spring weather!)
Step 4: cookin' up a storm in the kitchen so we'll have healthy choices (grilled chicken, avocado dip, baba ghanoush)
Step 5: transfer tack & grooming kit to big trailer. Finish filling water tanks, transfer clothes, horse & people food...

ANYway, these minor chores keep my mind off missing my boy TOO badly. Doesn't always work - in some ways it's worse now than when he was a toddler. We both must keep muddling through.

Final Preparations...

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

...for getting the heck outta Dodge this evening!

Last night I hitched the trailed & got 'er out of the carport, parked down at the barn. (Hubby's project this weekend will be graveling in that carport extension so I can get my trailer out even when it rains!) It's dried up after a weekend of drizzling rain, but scudding clouds looked threatening yesterday - surely if I HADN'T hitched up, we would have gotten more rain & then I would have been stuck!

So tonight I'll push off after work, probably make Wichita Falls in 3.5 hrs or so. Just knocking a lil' bit off will make Thurs' "long haul" easier, as well as giving us a little wiggle room in case of flat tires or any other issues. Thurs morning I'll cruise on by Amarillo, pick up my friend Karen, her mare & teenage daughter (coming along to crew & do some shoppin' in Santa Fe), & we'll roll on across the border. If all goes well, we should be setting up camp well before sunset.

sites.google.com/site/sa
ntafeequestriancenter/anno
uncements/aercendurancerid
emarch172012

Words cannot express how much I am looking forward to this excursion! Let's hope I have good news to report next week. I've slacked off on my half-marathon training this week - sleep issues, general fatigue, "environmental malaise" or what have you... but plan on re-implementation of training program w/renewed vigor after this short unintended "taper" (39 d & counting).

No Time to Write...

Monday, March 19, 2012

But I CAN post a couple of photos, taken at the completion of Sat's ride by my friend's daughter!



Thumbs up for a job well done ponies!



& it's a dead heat at the finish line! (we were next-to-last, took it real slow & easy so there was no need to race at the finish)

"What I Do"

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

...in my spare time, that is! (I think most of my SparkFriends know that my "day job" is veterinarian, mixed-animal/exotic practice - you bring it, I'll treat it -- all species except PRIMATES! They carry too many nasty diseases that they can share w/us.)

Pretty much since I graduated from vet school, I've only had time for one main leisure-time pursuit - & for the past 20 yrs, that has been endurance riding: the sport** of riding long distances in a preset amount of time under strict veterinary controls.

"Real" endurance riding by definition is a 50, 75, or 100 mi ride, although most events sponsor a concurrent "Limited Distance" event of 25 or 35 mi. For each of these distances, a maximum time limit is set calculated at an average speed of approx 4.5 MPH... This works out to 6 hrs for 25 mi, 8 hrs for 35 mi, 12 hrs for 50 mi, 18 hrs for 75 mi, and 24 hrs for 100 mi. (This includes mandatory rest stops which are the same for all competitors.)

For instance, I finished last weekend's 50-mi event in 10 hrs: subtracting the two 45-min "holds", that left a ride time of 8.5 hrs. Most of this was a steady trot, but there were a few rocky stretches which we had to walk through.

**My pal Karen recounted the tale to me of one of her obnoxious co-workers (she's a high school teacher) - when she mentioned that she was training for this event of ours last weekend, the woman opined that endurance riding "was not a REAL sport, bcz the horse does all the work!"

Needless to say, we beg to differ - Karen wanted BADLY to offer this woman a chance to ride - odds are, after a few miles of trotting, she would be begging for mercy! This week, I am sore along all of my sinews from the nape of my neck to my Achilles tendons... It's definitely a good core workout!

(To be continued - busy day!)

Deflection/Reflection

Monday, March 26, 2012

It seems that some of my best revelations occur to me during "drive time": when I have a few free moments to myself over my lunch break. On these occasions, I will generally whip out my iPhone & dictate a quick memo-to-self...

This AM I dropped my boy off at school w/a mixed sense of trepidation & relief; trepidation over whatever sh!t his father may pile on him this evening (Mon's are his normal weeknight-visitation), relief at the prospect of having an evening (mostly) to myself... Our latest drama is The Great Placement-Exam Conspiracy!

The good news is that Z has been accepted to his HS of choice (not that this was ever in doubt; he IS the top student in his class, not that I'm braggin' or anything ;-) - the bad news is the limitations his father is sure to impose, no matter how he purports to be 100% in favor of Z's choice...

Z needs to take placement exams so he can get in the appropriate classes & hopefully be on the fast track to start earning college credits (a major factor in deciding to make the sacrifices to send him to this institution) as early as his sophomore year. The potential dates are 4/21 (M's weekend) or 4/28 (mine) - but the only LOGICAL choice is the first date, since Z's class trip has been rescheduled for that last week of April: they will be returning very LATE on Fri by bus from San Antonio, probably not getting back until 12 - 1 AM. Would it be fair to expect Z to do his best, showing up for his placement exams after only a few hrs sleep?

What do you think his father's eminently FAIR response was when I aired these concerns, trying to have a reasonable phone conversation w/him last week?

"Maybe he just doesn't need to go on this trip!"

I've shelved these worries for now, SparkFriends - I just wanted to relax & enjoy our time together this past weekend, & of course I expect to hear all about Sh!t My Dad Says when Z gets back manana. I emailed the admissions director last week; I cringed away from filling her in on the details of our contentious divorce, but just wanted to let her know it's entirely possible that M may request special circumstances for Z... I'm going to sign Z up for the 21st & his father will either come through for him, or not.

(M is also pissed off that he has to deliver Z to church next Palm Sunday, since he is portraying Pontius Pilate in the 8th grade Passion play... Displaced aggression in my opinion, since I wasn't responsible for Ms B's cast selections - but instead of being proud for his son, M would rather b!tch about it.)

Shock & Awe

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

...or, just when I think nothing my ex does is going to surprise me any longer, he dives to NEW depths of idiocy!

I had previously mentioned his resistance (to put it mildly) to transporting his son to our church last Palm Sunday for his participation in their 8th grade Passion play as Pontius Pilate (Hint to FB friends: I managed to post the video clip; his teacher said Z was the BEST Pontius Pilate they've EVER had!)

& there you have the good news first; in the end, M did bring him & things went off without a hitch. I was incredibly proud of Z even before I heard The Rest of the Story.

Apparently M took Z w/him on a computer-networks-service outcall last Sat night; they did not get home until 5:30 AM. At one point my poor child described trying to line up office chairs so he could lie down & nap a bit, but finally gave up & lay down on the concrete floor. I know what M hoped for is that Z would fall asleep when they got back home, and be too exhausted to get up & go to church... but not my boy! He slept for 2 hrs, got up at 7:30 & carried on.

Tell me, seriously, what kind of man treats his own flesh & blood that way?!? Is he that sick & twisted that he'll stop at nothing to get his own way, to hurt me??
Why didn't he at least let poor Z go sleep in the back seat of his truck? Part of me relishes the thought of beating that man's brains out against a concrete floor; it would be SO therapeutic!

Let's talk about orthorexia: my mom picked Z up as usual yesterday, but he refused his usual after-school dish of ice cream (she buys him his special peanut-butter-cup Breyer's which fortunately holds no appeal for me ;-)... Luckily I had brought over a generous serving of our special grilled chicken from last week's big cook-up, but he stated he "should only eat 3 oz" as he asked Grandma how much was left in the container. There was a full 8 oz there, but she told him that was "about right", & he ate it all up.

(As I'm sure I've mentioned before, M was horrified at my weight gain post thyroidectomy & keeps himself on strict rations - imagine my glee as I notice these days, despite his best efforts he has developed a small "middle-aged spread")

We went to the cafeteria for dinner; Z had grilled fish & some salad (what child is this?!?) - the model of restraint for let's say, someone like ME! but woefully inadequate for a growing 13-yr old boy. (You know, I might understand the lectures if Z came anywhere CLOSE to having a weight problem, but I can almost squeeze his skinny waist flat between my hands!) Something in my mother's intuition told me to check on him before I went to bed - Z wasn't asleep, & admitted to being hungry. Luckily I also had some leftover lamb Rogan Josh which reheated quickly; I sat w/him hawkishly while I watched him consume a big bowlful. I tried to tell him that growing teenagers don't NEED to restrict their calories as long as they're making reasonably healthy food choices, walking that tightrope between telling him what's RIGHT while restraining myself from ranting about his idiot father.

Lord, grant me patience because if I pray for STRENGTH I might just beat that man to death!

Begin Again

Monday, April 09, 2012

My frustrations & worries are TNTC (Too Numerous To Count) this AM...

I was awake at 4:22 AM going over all of it again, which I fully recognize as a pointless exercise in futility; finally managed to drift back off - which had me sleeping HARD when my 7 AM alarm went off! Had to hit that snooze button twice...

It's frustrating to be married to a computer expert, yet be unable to use the SP blog-entry feature on home computer; the screen freezes up almost each & every time! So this entry is brought to you courtesy of the iPad - better than nothing, but slows down my typing considerably...

Next weekend hovers on my personal horizon like a big ominous cloud: it is "MY" weekend which the Ex bullied me into giving to him as a bonus in exchange for swapping that weekend last month so we could go to EW & F concert. Absolutely unfair - it isn't as if I deprived him of anything, after all! - it was an even swap. Z says he ain't going, & I will fully support him in this. So I anxiously await Z's return home manana so I can find out if he broke this news to his father - that is, if it was even mentioned! It is possible that M may have forgotten all about it, once he achieved his immediate goal of pushing me around. Oh, the unhappy stories I could tell you all from Marriage #1, but it's too awkward typing on this tablet...

Part of me is really hoping that The Irresistable Force is meeting The Immovable Object, but another part of me is filled w/fear & trepidation: I know what the man is capable of, & it's more than empty threats. He could really make Z's life even MORE miserable, both long & short-term. Right at this moment I'm thinking of the HS placement exams Z is scheduled to take on 4/21. It would really be unfair if Z had to do the full day's testing on 4/28 on only a few hr's sleep (they'll be coming back from class trip Fri night)

Anyway, might as well get on w/my day: Que sera, sera! I'll just do my best to conduct myself in an honorable & forthright manner, trying to do what's best for my son. I mixed a little freeze-dried coffee into my protein shake (ummm, mocha!) to prop my eyelids open, & will try to keep my few Constant Readers updated as this week unfolds.

Stress & Exhaustion

Friday, April 13, 2012

I am SO so very tired of this nonsense... 4 yrs & 2 mos more now??!!??

Second-guessing myself as always after a verbal battle w/Ex - he has an unerring way of hitting you in your weakest spots, making you doubt your own judgement, painting your behaviour in the worst possible light (of course, since it didn't accommodate His Majesty's wishes!)...

Maybe I SHOULD have informed him whenever it was that I brought up "M's bonus weekend" (the one he extorted out of me to swap in exchange for concert - it wasn't as if I deprived him of ANYTHING; I gave him the 4th weekend of Feb, he traded me the 1st weekend in March!) - & my poor embattered son basically said: Hell no, I won't go! but nah, that just would have meant MORE stress & strain, extra days of negotiation, threats, & battles. (Spread out over a couple of weeks instead of Just One Day.)

"I'm disappointed that once again we've changed an agreement after the fact, and after you've received your benefit. It's no coincidence that in 12 years of our visitation agreement we have never once adjusted the visitation schedule to benefit me. We will have to agree to disagree on our parenting styles and whether a minor should have the ability to alter the court's order. I get that Zach is growing up and I certainly look for opportunities to let him stretch his wings. This is not a place I would include in that list.
I have repeatedly extended my hand to be accommodating to you and and your family and with rare exception I end up with the short end of the stick. Because I place significant value on all visitation time with Z I will pick him up at school and take him to the party tomorrow."

(What I had proposed as a compromise was a "split weekend" - ah, let me just let you read what I thought was a masterpiece of restraint & diplomacy ;-) even as my urge was to curse violently & hit things)

"There is no need to forward emails to me, figuratively waving paper & getting all worked up... I remember perfectly well what we agreed to.

What I would like you to sit quietly & contemplate is the fact that Z is a young adult, certainly not a child anymore, & HIS thoughts & feelings should be considered in the day-to-day organization of his life. That's why when I mentioned the additional weekend swap to him a couple of weeks ago and Z immediately replied, "I ain't going!" my reflexive response was Well, you are correct, son, you don't have to!

That being said, after we spoke about it again this morning**, Z offered a compromise: if you will take him to (classmate's) party tomorrow, he will go with you tonight. I can pick him up at the end of (classmate's) party to make it a "split" weekend.

Kindly acknowledge receipt of this message ASAP, since I promised Z I would relay a message to him so he knows how things are going to work out for him this weekend."

**I thought we were free & clear when M left a msg on home answering machine last night (don't even get me started on the Homework Fiasco; if Z's grade were anywhere near marginal, his father might have some right to harass him, but he's making straight A's!), saying he "would talk to him tomorrow night" - Yippee! He's forgotten about it! but that was only wishful thinking, since M called @ 7:40 this morning to confirm pickup...

The whole thing is such a tawdry, sordid mess - I apologize for bringing you, my SparkFriends, into it. *&%#@^&%!*+#%@$!!!

The Mind-Body Connection

Monday, April 16, 2012

A sterling example of such: I sent my boy away for a single night (the stress & strain of "the split weekend"; see previous blog entry) HEALTHY & he comes back SICK...

A brief recap of my weekend: Ex agreed to my proposal to split Z's weekend (he picked him up Fri, brought him to classmate's BD party Sat afternoon, I picked him up afterwards). I drove out to horse camp (a little over an hour from home) Fri afternoon & did my duty as ride vet, doing pre-ride exams... Drove back home, finished packing trailer Sat morning, drove WAY out W to classmate's party Sat afternoon (interspersed w/short "blowing off steam" gym visit, GO ME! Scales showed slight progress this week, a pleasant surprise)...

Bad weather was blowing in, Z ganged up on me w/a couple of his friends so instead of coming home, loading up & hauling back to horse camp (to ride Sun morning), I wound up taking him & friends to see the cheesy prison movie "Lockout" Sat night. What's not to like? Guy Pearce is pleasant enough, but as Roger Ebert describes, being the President's daughter should merit hazardous-duty pay ;-) !

I would have felt a LOT better Sun morning if it had been pouring down rain when I got up, but it just drizzled off & on w/strong gusty winds most of the day... Still, I credit myself for making the right decision - w/Z coming down w/sinus crud, I didn't need to haul him out on trail. And a 25-mi ride wouldn't have gained us any points towards year-end awards either (that's only for the 50, 75, & 100-mi rides).

Now I can fret about lack of preparedness for my next 2 rides - I'm scheduled to do a 50-miler in 2 wks, and a tough 75-miler the week after that. Ah well, nothing like a challenge, is there?

At least I am feeling better about my decisions & choices**, even if stress bleeding through from last week led to some poor (dietary) choices this past weekend. I pick myself up & start anew today - the gym beckons!

**Ex is gonna be chronically pissed at me anyway, so I feel good about NOT letting him walk all over me & steal my entire precious weekend w/Z! Even a "half-sick" one was worthwhile - I know Z enjoyed just hanging out at home; we watched a few segments of "Titanic" yesterday to commemorate the anniversary.

(I was a little disturbed by the fact that a hard workout last Thurs - when I put in an hour on the TM - left me feeling wiped out most of Thurs afternoon. Still gotta clean up my act, nutritionally speaking, line up a few good night's rest - THEN if I still feel crappy, I'll worry!)

This Comment Was Not Directed at Me...

Friday, April 20, 2012

...instead it is something I came across on another's blog, but this spoke to me so I hereby appropriate it for my own use**:

"the only one you have to answer to is yourself. keep doing what you feel is right for yourself and you win. the pain and aggravation of loving the wrong person never goes away. those that say it does has never loved the wrong person."

**isn't that one of the great things about this free-wheeling marketplace of ideas we call the Internet?? Take what you need & leave the rest!!!

I just wish these days I felt I was doing "Right": by myself, by my son, by the rest of my (human as well as animal) family... Yesterday, in a hideous spasm of self-pity, I ducked into a bakery & bought my poor pitiful self a batch of cookies. So at best I will likely hold steady this week; how can I reasonably expect the scales NOT to show an uptick Sat morning?!? (it wasn't a gluten-free bakery either ;-)

My son sensed my mood: "Mom, what's wrong?" - despite my assurances of the contrary - "I can TELL something's bothering you!" Where to begin, my angel?

A.) After I dropped Z off at school this AM, I won't get to see him for another interminable 9-d stretch: he'll be at his dad's through Mon, then on Tues AM they are taking their class trip to Sea World! I will meet him at school w/his suitcase, that won't count for much in the excitement of departure.

B.) Z is scheduled to take his mathematics placement exam for HS on Sat & it's his father's responsibility to get him there on time, hopefully adequately rested & well-nourished. Just to be certain we don't forget about him, M has been calling so far every night this week to harass Z about his math worksheets. Yes, this is a young man currently holding down a 96 average in mathematics.

C.) Next weekend (mine), I had already promised my friend Carla that I would work pre-ride exams (Fri afternoon) in exchange for an entry to her regional championship ride. Of course I had hoped to have my boy accompany me, but that will no longer be possible - when the Sea World trip was rescheduled, they will be returning Fri evening... AND since my ex wanted to equally inconvenience everybody, Z has to return on Sat 4/28 to finish taking his placement exams (Spanish & computer applications).

I feel as if I am gathering the tattered remnants of my ambitious spring ride schedule around me like a cloak, only it's all smoke & mirrors... I've already signed up to do what SOUNDS like a fun & challenging point-to-point 75-mi ride the first weekend of May, it's a long haul to MO when I'm feeling so uncertain about my probability of success! But this may be one of those cases in which one "leaps & the net shall appear".

Taking my Medicine

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I KNEW the news would NOT be favorable when I climbed dejectedly onto the scales this AM for my official Sat morning weigh-in... After an encouraging early downtick, today I'm UP 1.2 lbs higher than starting weight 5 wks ago!

I certainly can't feign surprise w/the crappy food choices I've been making; turmoil in my personal life be damned... (but remind me to fill you in on my SIL drama)

Still, today is a heartbreakingly beautiful spring day, hard to be in a bad mood even as I'm missing my boy (believe it or not, I seem to miss him MORE at this age than when he was younger - you would think I'd be used to it by now, after all these years)... Mildly pissed at myself for letting myself get roped into doing an extra-special (non-emergency) farm call for a good client when I'd MUCH rather be RIDING, but there's always mañana.

Two pieces of good news: I have been playing w/ my kettle bell (bought a puny 10-pounder** on a whim when the boy & I were at Sports Authority a couple of wks ago) - it is harder than it looks! I bought Tracy Reifkind's book "The Swing" which is quite inspirational: she lost 120 lbs swinging the Russian kettle bell & has maintained for 5+ yrs now. If I get serious about this, I'll probably buy her DVD.

I also bought a Zen Buddhist book titled "Radical Acceptance"... I think the title says it all. I paged through it a bit in the tub last night, but will post a more thorough review after I finish it.

Psyching myself to get back on that bronc SparkFriends! Let's DO this!


giryastrength.com/index.
html

**the first thing I found out when I started reading Tracy's book was that I bought TOO SMALL; she recommends an 8 kg/18 lb bell for a woman beginner!

Seems Like Old Times

Monday, April 23, 2012

I'd have given anything to have had a camera yesterday evening as I emerged from the underbrush & encountered Karen M coming down the hill! Unfortunately, my hands were full between Champ's reins & Baraq's lead rope... She and Cass** came to a perfect half-halt; they looked GREAT against that backdrop of green grass and wildflowers.

**Big showy black and white Pintarabian, tall thin Karen sitting straight & tall in the saddle! Deep sigh, if only we could all look that good...

(I tried to find a comparable photo among recent ride galleries, but nothing comes close - either A.) horse looks good or B.) rider looks good; rarely do the two conditions coincide!)

I had called KM earlier that afternoon, offering to pick up 11-yr old daughter Melissa to ride Champ for me - of course Karen herself would have been welcome to come too. It's hard to exercise more than one pony at a time - it's enough of a challenge to stay astride one, as much as I've joked about Roman riding! Since she's rebuffed my last few invitations to ride, I didn't hold out much hope for those prospects - so it was quite the pleasant surprise to encounter her on trail.

youtu.be/PJqLZxNq3fM

She had a change of heart and flew the coop by her lonesome, since her girls had not earned the privilege of a ride... She wouldn't have caught up w/me so quickly, but I had doubled back on the short loop, angry w/myself for forgetting my riding gloves. Baraq had already ripped his lead rope through my palm once, giving me a minor rope burn, and I had decided to cut my losses, a little bit of exercise was better than nothing! But now Karen gave me her R glove and we could head out on trail once more.

We've ridden hundreds of miles together in those carefree days "BB": Before Babies, and w/any luck we will again...Just no longer at liberty to saddle up and ride down the roadside from our houses (3 mi apart) - I'll never forget the shockingly slow "trail crawl" we did when Karen first saddled up after Melissa was born (approx 10 wks post C-section for her); we used to blast down the roadside at the trot or canter, nevermind loose gravel, speeding traffic, barking dogs... "What has happened to us?!?" Karen exclaimed, "We're turned into...MOMS!"

Mistakes Were Made

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

I have a feeling I've griped about this in one or more previous blogs...

There's a small framed photograph from one of my favorite websites on the shelf behind my desk:



"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."

I am hoping that this recent string of poor decisions does not culminate in catastrophic failure this weekend at my biggest ride of the spring season... Last weekend I opted out of my 50-mi event after "only" 25 mi; in sudden-onset summer heat & humidity, my good ol' boy Champ was flagging as well as his junior jockey (Haylea's first event). We had nothing to prove & there was no point in risking Champ's health or soundness, making all parties involved miserable as we gradually slowed down as the day wore on... (We had plenty of time to "get 'er done" but it would have taken ALL DAY)

This way we could pack up & head home while we were still reasonably fresh, & I could SEE MY BOY! (they had been gone on class trip to Sea World last week; Z had been at his dad's that previous weekend so I hadn't seen him for NINE LONG DAYS)

I'm staggering around, bloated & miserable today - granted, I have made some poor choices as we've celebrated my boy's homecoming, but NOT 4 lbs' worth?!? (I'm sure it's more wacky perimenopause hormone swings) Last night I was TRYING to do something nice for myself, visiting the Korean sauna for some stress relief/detoxification, but my friend Lisa got overheated, weak/dizzy/nauseous, so I spent most of that visit caretaking her. (I gave her two salt packets & had her drink mucho agua; her doctor had recently put her on a diuretic so I should have known that would have thrown her electrolytes out of whack!)

I should take each succeeding moment as an opportunity to "do the right thing" & give up this pointless self-flagellation. Tomorrow's another day, right??

Mother's Day Musings

Sunday, May 13, 2012

(Well this is weird - when I first tried to post on home computer, it locked up... I restarted it, now it seems to be working so I'll try, try again. Let's hope it's not just a lot of fruitless typing!)

"To desire results from something, one must desire the process, not just understand that it is necessary."

I came across this pencilled note in my son's pants pocket a while back (yes, I still empty out his pockets so I don't launder notes, writing implements, or too much loose change ;-) I thought it was quite profound so I asked him where he'd seen the quote.

"Mom, I wrote it!" Pretty good amateur philosophizing, son - you don't mind if I take it to heart, do you? Because here I sit at the end of my Spring Challenge, right back where I started from. I've failed the last couple of rides I've attempted, I seem to take every excuse to deviate from dietary plan - I can list my excuses in no particular order - the only consistency in my life seems to be my exercise program... I am doing SOMETHING (even if time is short on many days) practically every day of the week.

"It's always something" - to quote dearly beloved Gilda Radner:

1.) Special occasion (my BD, dad's BD, Easter)
2.) Stress & aggravation (see any entries related to Ex)
3.) Excessive heat/tired junior rider/tiring horse/running out of time
4.) The Hell w/Everything (I want a cookie)

Oh well, the only thing I can do is pick up & carry on - I planned to speculate further on How My Life Got to What Feels Like This Unmanageable Stage, but my progeny is now up (Happy Mother's Day) - he knows I'm not eating the cereal anymore, so I've got to show him how to cook bacon & eggs...

Hope all my SparkFriends have a great mini-holiday.

Equi*Librium

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Well folks I'm takin' what I can get here, so I count it as an unequivocal "WIN" that I have maintained an even keel for the 2nd week running on my good ol' (favorably inclined) gym scales. Both this Fri & the one before, I was 213.0 even.

(another minor victory is breaking my slavish dependence on the scales, not that jumping off & on 'em was doing me the slightest bit of good, other than driving me stark raving MAD!)

"This Is It", indeed, so I'm doing my best to live in the PRESENT, not looking forward to that far-off mythical day when the scales read "XXX". (when I initially joined SP, I had set a goal of 180, but even my more realistic goal of getting back into Onederland seems unattainable given my current state of mind)

I wish I could brush off ye olde crystal ball & figure out what the next few months will hold... I've been see-sawing like mad on the big child support question: open negotiations w/Ex now, later, or simply drop that time bomb in the AG's lap?? I can guarantee he WON'T take it well no matter HOW I choose to handle it. Val will be that vindictive money-grubbing (rhymes w/witch) - as I've mentioned in the past, he's ALREADY acting as if the few hundred $$$ he sends goes straight to subsidizing my truck & horse trailer, stupid a$$ that he is! (it's already a family joke, just a not-so-funny one: I've given up mentioning this or that to him - Z's Sea World trip most recently - bcz it's certain M will reply "Take it out of my child support!" Talk about some creative accounting/deficit spending my friends!)

These financial worries are creating ripples of marital discord: after all, P hears me fretting about these momentous decisions I must make; is it too big a stretch to expect him to offer to take up some slack?!?!? Apparently so, that's my British tightwad!
We spent this afternoon - no, WASTED this afternoon mattress-shopping... I had warned P we needed to change things up, if I didn't start sleeping better I might slit my miserable wrists (ahem). Wound up that we "compromised" on a new "cooling" mattress topper, yet we also brought home a new recliner for P?!?!? Well, it WAS on sale!

Our Tempur-pedic is great in cold weather (when dear P isn't snoring), but in warm weather it becomes a "heat sink", reflecting back my body heat & leaving me a limp noodle in a puddle of my own sweat... Let's hope this helps, SparkFriends, or even MORE desperate times lie ahead!

Dark Evening of the Soul

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Is this how my mother felt in her cyclic episodes of desperate sorrow??

NOW you've done it, you've locked yourself into THIS life, there is no escape... Your child doesn't provide the ecstatic relief promoted by the megatheocorporatocracy (I only WISH I had coined this term, but it's from one of my favorite radical blogs:

blog.iblamethepatriarchy
.com/

Twisty puts into wonderfully descriptive words The Facts of The Matter when so many of us would rather soldier on in blissful ignorance... Be forewarned, it's like taking the Red Pill instead of the Blue one.

Tonight, utterly exhausted after ANOTHER crappy night's sleep, followed by a hellaciously busy day at work, I am so jaded & cynical I can hardly stand to stay in the same room w/myself! A few minutes of yoga did seem to help - although most of all it exhibited the pronounced difference in flexibility between my R & L hips: R hip, not so bad/L hip, oh crap!

But tomorrow, as they say, is another day, so I'm hoping for a few hrs' rest to improve my mental attitude. (I fear I have set foot on a different kind of endurance course - last night we were out late, attending the Freshman Parents Mtg followed by an hour & 45 min of Freshman Football indoctrination! 7 AM practices = 4:45 AM alarm bells for Mom. It won't be any picnic for Z either - I'll be able to let him 'sleep in' until 5:30 but that's a damnably early bedtime when we're struggling almost every night to have lights out at 9:30! I went ahead & signed off on the forms, but if this starts to wear me down too badly - too bad, so sad my son!)
"You can't always get what you want", indeed!

But I have to preserve my OWN health A.) so I can keep working to pay for this circus (after a horrendous day like this one, I have my doubts), and B.) successfully continue shepherding my boy into adulthood. I've fought too hard for too long to lose the last precious years of my son's childhood... & no, that's not melodrama! At times I truly understand why my former MIL sent Ex away during HIS HS years to live w/his bio-dad. I cannot discern whether it's "nature or nurture" since Z has spent so much time w/dear ol' dad; he's so much like him at times I don't know whether to laugh or SCREAM in horror!

The joke's on you.

What Kind of Fool Am I?

Monday, May 28, 2012

(I should put a more optimistic title up there, but this is what popped into my head)

It's actually been a nice relaxing weekend, visiting my old buddy & her husband down here on the coast... Z adores Charles, & I figure Z needs all the (+) male role models that he can get! He has already extracted my promise that he can come back during his "dead week" (1st wk in Aug) when he WON'T have football practice. I'm not fool enough to turn down extra beach time, since I already decided at the moment I pulled on my Ozark Trail ride (5/05; need to update my SparkPage w/another FAILURE :-( that I wouldn't be hauling off to Tevis this year (I was counting that ride as my pilot program).

My friend Janis, in her usual blunt fashion, has advised me to get off the pot & file w/TX Atty Gen on Ex & the back child support, also bringing current levels up to "normal" as I brace myself for those big stout tuition pmts from HS (commencing next month, ouch!) She's right, of course - M isn't going to play fair no matter WHICH way I try to finesse it, I just hope he isn't too hard on Z in that ol' sh!t-rollin'-downhill, kicking-the-dog kinda way...

(Aha, she's up! so I'll go downstairs for a little more visitin'; planning on packing up our scattered stuff & heading back around mid-morning. Hubby's been calling twice daily so obviously he misses us :-)

Forging Onward

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Being a water-lover at heart, one of my favorite activities on the rare opportunities I have to swim** is to float in the deep end, treading water while letting it support me (fortunately I have always been quite buoyant ;-) - these past few years, even more so! I will tilt my head back luxuriously, sweeping my arms out wide. Even the thought of it is profound relaxation to me...

**Hubby & I have had an on-again, off-again debate: while I would LOVE to invest in a pool, I understand the big commitments of time/space & MONEY - not just the initial cost of the installation, but ongoing, continuous maintenance. (Cue my jokes about the pool boy - hey, if Hubby doesn't want to volunteer, why shouldn't I hire a stand-in?!?)

For the time being, I acquiesce, esp w/dramatic budgetary shifts necessary to accommodate high school plans of my boy... This week, he started football camp: my responsibility for the next 3 wks, but his father has pledged to take him during his period of summer visitation.

My new routine is dedicated to eating "a salad per day" - so far, I have a 5-d streak going, unprecedented for yours truly! But I waddled home from our Memorial Day weekend visit, only 2 lbs heavier but so bloated & miserable that I FELT 20 lbs heavier... Could not wear the gray pantsuit to my boy's graduation (can I brag here about top-male-student awards in Math, English, & Spanish?), so I settled for a blousy, unflattering gypsy-style skirt & blouse look. Both the opportunity as well as the urge to exercise fortunately coincided yesterday, so I could knock out a slow 3 mi on the gym TM - it went surprisingly well, considering I'd had a 9-d hiatus.

It seems I have no further time to expound on summertime theories, or even to fill you in on latest idiocy from my ex, but I've been dictating voice memos to myself so I WON'T forget!

Tally ho!

Nose Above Water (Barely)

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Tragedy struck several families in our area (one of whom we know personally through school/church) when there was a calamitous THREE drownings in one day last Sat in our local area lakes...

I have made several attempts to start a blog post, but another cyber-friend described it better: "I want to write blog posts, but, by the time I have a few minutes to myself to write, gathering and organizing my thoughts is as impossible as using my hands to catch hold of running water. "

thescoopblog.dallasnews.
com/2012/06/father-saving-
children-one-of-two-possib
le-drownings-in-separate-i
ncidents-at-joe-pool-lake.html/

The drowning metaphor strikes very close to home; I took my son, his friend, and the daughter of another friend up to Possum Kingdom Lake last weekend to celebrate Z's 14th BD, where I had my own close call...

We had rented a ski boat, spent most of the day happily tearing around on the lake, but later in the afternoon we headed up towards the N end of the lake (where timber is thicker); I hit a submerged tree, damaged the propeller, & we were dead in the water. The boys were killing time by swimming as we waited for rescue, but Josef was struggling in the choppy water & drifting too far away from the boat for my comfort.

I was standing there watching Josef struggle towards the boat - had to get MY boy back on board so I only had to worry about ONE at a time, then decided to swim out & give him some coaching & encouragement. At least I knew the lake was too choppy for me to try to tow him in; he'd have pulled me down for sure!

But then I found myself struggling, still 40 or 50 yards away from the boat. (Yeah, the boys were in life jackets, but me, "Ms Floats-a-lot", wasn't) Now Z was the one standing anxiously on the stern watching me flounder along after hauling Josef in - I damn sure didn't want to perpetuate this fiasco by having him plunge back in to try to save ME! Fortunately all the while, we were drifting closer & closer to shore, so when I took a quick breather to tread water, I found my toes trailing the bottom.

It would have been a sad commentary for me to have survived thyroid carcinoma all these years, only to drown due to an onslaught of poor judgement...

All's well that ends well, I guess.

A Good Ride Report

Saturday, June 23, 2012

"There will come a time
when you believe
everything
is finished.
That will be
the beginning."
- Louis L'Amour

I was beginning to have serious self-doubts after racking up failures at my last two rides: Rider Option (aka the horse has veterinary clearance to continue, but innumerable other factors - trail conditions, ill-being of the rider, time constraints - may contribute to the rider's decision to "opt out") taken at our Bluebonnet ride 4/28 after 25 mi (too bad I had signed us up for a 50!), and the very next weekend at the awesome Ozark Trail ride after 50 mi (nothing to sneeze at but then again, too bad I had signed up for the 75!)

I had plenty of excuses for both these failures: conditions were unseasonably hot & humid at both these events, even more pronounced in Missouri w/a heat index around 117... Good ol' Champ was tiring at Bluebonnet - he was underconditioned & his junior passenger Haylea (my groomer's 13 yr old stepdaughter) was fatigued as well - this being the longest distance she had ever ridden in her short life! We didn't have anything to prove, so I went ahead & pulled Baraq & I also - that way I could also get home a few hours earlier & see MY boy upon his return from his 8th grade class Sea World trip...(He'd been gone all week)

I hauled to Missouri w/low confidence - a beautiful well-organized event that only drew 10 hardy riders. Between the tough trail & intense "summertime" heat, all of us were chewed up & spit out - NO ONE finished! (I have attended a few rides w/horrendous completion rates over the years, but this was my first w/ZERO completions!) So I didn't feel bad at all about this one; we were in excellent company.

It's hard to explain what a THRILL it was, to successfully complete our first 50 in 3 months at last weekend's Llano Estacado ride, in the beautiful arid semi-desert of the Texas Panhandle. A tough event which I hadn't attended in recent years: these past several years it had conflicted w/Father's Day weekend (which it did again this year [ahem]; Bad Daughter!). Prior to that, it inevitably seemed to conflict w/our State Veterinary Convention... My last attempt to conquer these trails was in '08 which turned out to be Quig's unofficial retirement party. But who can forget sweet Midge toting my freight in '07? A well-known & loved ride like this is always a melange of memories, new & old...

Once again, Just Getting There was complicated - I ordinarily swing by & pick up my pal Cheese, but my local riding pard Lucy had invited herself - w/diesel averaging $3.69/gal how could I reasonably refuse an offer from someone to chip in?!? That meant my horse compartment was full, between Baraq, Alex, & Lucy's gelding Walor... (I just KNEW I should have gotten a 4-horse trailer!) Surely it wouldn't be THAT challenging to secure Cheese's mare a trailer ride for the short hop from just S of Amarillo to Lake Meredith?!? Well, folks, let's just say it was a close call, but we DID make it happen, & we had the unprecedented pleasure of enjoying 100% completion amongst our merry band (Cheese, Haylea, Lucy, & myself). Even more amazing was the fact that Haylea had not had a chance to ride Alex, but she cowgirl'd up & rode like a champion; never a word of complaint for the whole livelong (very HOT) day!

The only dark spot on my horizon was the She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named's odious presence, but you can't have everything, can ya? At least I consoled myself by thinking of the fact that at least Z wouldn't have to deal w/her; he would truly have a Father's Day weekend w/only his father & stepbrother. It was greatly amusing to watch her fleeing before us on that first loop - we kept the pressure on her until the heat sensibly slowed us down.

Another day of excellent riding, racking up more good memories.

Just Say No

 ...to Trazodone! I knew that was a bad idea from new doc's first mention - but even 25 mg fucked me up GOOD, I'm STILL groggy now at 1 PM! But I had to have SOME sleep, strung out between disinterested husband, depressed mother, manic son...

Timely Post

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

When I saw the title of that "Best of SP" email this AM, I knew it was targeted directly at me: "It's Time to Step Away From the Scale"

C'mon, you idiot - it's a foregone conclusion that your Master Plan is going to be disrupted between Z's Confirmation, Valentine's Day, not to mention your BIRTHDAY coming up next weekend! So do yourself a favor & quit hopping on & off those scales when the opportunity presents itself (home bathroom scales, cruel clinic scales, unreliable gym scales).

I was mildly horrified when I took the poll ("How often do you weigh yourself?") & saw current results showed that 41% weighed DAILY, 22% weighed a few times per wk (my category), 21% once a week, 11% once or twice a month, & 4% of blessed souls said they NEVER weighed. I shouldn't be too terribly surprised - after all, despite the fact that SP purports to be about "health", I'm sure if another poll were tabulated, upwards of 99% of us are trying to lose varying amounts of WEIGHT! It stands to reason most of us are obsessed by those fickle numbers on the scales.

(For instance, a pleasant surprise for me on Mon - my gym has moved to a new location, they hooked up those selfsame unreliable scales that logged me in @ 146 lbs a few wks ago !?!?!? - I stepped on 'em to reveal a wt of 209.2... I don't believe it for one second, not when I'd weighed in NAKED on home scales @ 210.6 last Fri morning, & had pretty much thrown dietary caution to the winds all weekend!)

But at least seeing that Middleweight number was good for my ego & has helped get me back on track. Now if I could just line up a few decent nights of SLEEP while keeping my Ex out of my subconscious (after all these years, WHY is he back front & center?!? working out a few issues, aren't we??? Plenty of material there for future posts) - no telling what I might accomplish...

Adrift

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I can really relate to what I've read in several SparkFriends' blogs about this being a safe place, a lifeline, a haven...

I finally took a deep breath & asked my DH this AM how much weight he's lost (it really showed in his torso when I observed him walking across the room to meet me last night)... My emotions are a complicated stew of appreciation, jealousy (at how easily it's coming together for him; I'd like to gently shake him for NOT LISTENING TO ME these past couple of yrs since I've been trying to find my ideal dietary regimen!), & shame at my own lack of progress. Needless to say it has for the most part completely extinguished my libido... Most of my passion these days is directed at trying to get a decent night's SLEEP!

Well I'm glad I was able to at least recover half of this post, maybe that was Cyberspace's way of telling me to tone it down!

Anyway, that sly fox wouldn't give me a number; he said "not that much" & claimed what WE were seeing (several other people have noticed P's changes, not just a slightly prejudiced spouse!) was increased muscle mass & "weight redistribution"...

So I did the only thing I could; I dragged him to bed! Both of us (ah well guess I should speak only for myself since HE AIN'T TALKING) had gained enough weight over these past few yrs for it to have adversely affected our marital relations. My rough guess for P is a 20 lb loss ;-)

Hope everyone else is likewise having a great weekend... Better post before something else happens!

Eff You Mondays!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Well it was a messed-up weekend all the way 'round, so why should it surprise me when sh!t bleeds through into Monday??

I am NOT, in any way, shape or form criticizing the desperately-needed RAIN we've gotten sporadically over these past few wks - most of my fair state is still under drought conditions so we need each & every drop... What I AM questioning is my friends' judgment - why these ride managers rescheduled their rides from May (last year, very pleasant weather!) to FEBRUARY w/its notoriously fickle meteorologic conditions? Sure enough, we've had torrential rains on both of these weekends with disastrous consequences upon ride entries. As my friend Deb texted me early last Thurs AM: "I'm NOT driving 8 hrs to be wet, cold, & miserable!"

However, since clear weather was forecasted for yesterday, I originally planned to drive out Sat & ride LD (25 mi) on Sun, just to support my friend's event. But heavy rains Fri night ruined the possibility of getting my big trailer out (next project: graveling in the carport extension, where my big trailer lives)!

As I wrote in my FB update: "The Universe decreed a lazy day w/Hubby", so that's what we did... Hit the gym Sun AM (I made myself a protein shake in advance, so no worries ;-), went to the movies Sun PM, & finally hit the Korean sauna last night. I'm happy to report that Hubby enjoyed himself; looks like I've made another convert!

kingspa.com/

Hubby had also guilted me into taking my lil' Kia-mobile to the shop to have the check-engine light diagnosed; they informed me it WAS the worst-case scenario, the catalytic converter which set me back about $1200... So it isn't as if I had any discretionary funds to siphon off in the fuel tank of my truck ANYWAY. So it especially rubbed me wrong when that light blinked back on this AM on the way to work (I was going to get the darn thing inspected today, but the service mgr told me I had to drive it a few mi first - hey, kid, that's NO PROBLEM in my life!)

Just one more obstacle to scale, eh?

No Mas, Por Favor

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I keep on shaking my head sadly as I trudge forward, head down as if heading into a blizzard (more like a sh!tstorm), wondering when this crap is EVER going to let up on me...

Doesn't look like it's gonna be in THIS lifetime! I've already whined about sinking a small fortune into my Kia-mobile, but that saga's not ended yet... Yes, you guessed it; I had to put the damn thing BACK in the shop & spend several hundred MORE dollars to get that check-engine light turned off. At least they graciously gave me an inspection sticker under my solemn vow to make my next stop Discount Tires to replace the rear tires (of COURSE they offered to SELL me a couple of new tires, but I've had good luck w/this most recent set from DT; not a single flat!).

So of course the check-engine light was back on Wed night. I called my good friend, the service mgr this AM - my time was already completely spoken for today (what's this nonsense described as 'a day off'?), but he assures me another diagnostic check/repair should be at NO CHARGE! Damn straight, I could have conceivably driven a brand new car off the lot w/that downpayment. So we shall see.

Let's not even get INTO stress-fest w/Ex... I remind all my married friends w/children to please love your spouses, you NEVER want to go through anything remotely related to my experiences. It doesn't matter if you divorce the SOB, if you have children together you are tied together for life. I mentioned to M 10 d ago (at Z's HS interview) that we needed to swap 4th Feb (mine) for 1st Mar (his) - Z is the one who saw the EARTH, WIND & FIRE billboard & wants to go! At the time, M shrugged, said he would check his calendar & let me know. After 8 d, I presumed that silence implied consent, so I bought our tickets before the concert sold out. Let me just copy & paste our exchange:

M: "I do not want to trade this weekend for next weekend since that would take away a long weekend. I didn't realize, and you didn't mention, when you brought this up that Z gets out early next Thursday and has Friday off giving us an extra long weekend."

(He just HAD Z for President's Day weekend, which gave him 3 d... Keep in mind that he will also shortly be getting Spring Break this year, & a 4-d Easter weekend in April...)

V: "I had not looked at school calendar but I ALREADY BOUGHT OUR EW & F TICKETS!!! I presumed your silence implied consent!"

M: "I told you I would check and get back to you. Going forward let's agree that we won't make plans on each other's weekends until we have confirmation back from one another. I get considerably less time with Z than you do and a day matters to me. For many years I have been trading a day away here and a day away there with the understanding that you would give them back to me. Not once have I got one back, not even a part of one for things like a Friday holiday where it would have been easier for me to get Z on that Thursday. Those lost days add up and I'm not willing to keep sacrificing them."

What I WANTED to reply, but did not: As I mentioned, when I didn't hear from you for EIGHT DAYS, I presumed silence implied consent! so I had to buy our tickets before the concert sold out! Z is really looking forward to this; it wasn't even MY idea (he saw their billboard).

(Your time at) Spring Break is coming up shortly, not to mention last weekend's President's Day holiday, & then you will have Easter weekend which will be a 4-d holiday.

Forgive me if I have a had time conjuring up sympathy for an unfortunate set of circumstances which YOU & YOU ALONE engineered.

Poor P then got a virtual earful when I forwarded this hot mess to him, featuring more ranting by Yours Truly: I call BS on his precious short-changed time w/his son... when you add up the "quality time" that really counts, like weekends & holidays, he gets the majority bcz of all the GD 5th weekends! The majority of what I get is the daily slog of getting him back & forth to school w/all his accoutrements... you know, the sh!t work - the unpaid, underappreciated labor that moms do, day in & day out. I don't resent one bit of anything I've ever done for my precious son; what I DO resent is this flaming a$$hole trying to p!ss on my leg & tell me it's raining!

I'll let you know how things turn out, but I'm not risking contact where I might surely lose my temper until this weekend swap is safely behind us... Only 52 more mos until my boy turns 18 (I know even then I won't be free of him, but at least Z can tell him "No Mas!" himself.)

It would be different if Z ever seemed to look FORWARD to being w/his dad, but every time I hear his lament. (This weekend, for instance, Z asked if there's a ride - I said No, & he was disappointed bcz that means She Who Shall Not Be Named will be home; at least last weekend she was away part of the time, getting rained on in E Texas!)

Three Strikes

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Today is a beautiful spring-like day, anticipated high of 62 degrees, & all I hope is that my friend Lucy is having a great ride in MS (weather was forecasted to be great there too).

This makes THREE rides I've missed out on in this hideous month; let's just hope March is mo' bettah! I'm sitting here on the couch w/iPad, stealing a lil' R & R time w/puppies before I have to go put in a lil' work (making a house call for my friend to vaccinate her entire crew: 3 horses, 1 llama, 2 dogs, & a cat... The rabbit, fortunately, requires nothing, I've already spayed her! ;-)

Still feel like crap from aftereffects of this week's disasters. Would you like to know the weight of a week's worth of insomnia & stress? That would be 2 lbs! Of course I know this isn't "real"; I know I haven't consumed a surplus of 7000 kcal, and the most obvious answer is to STAY AWAY FROM THOSE DAMN SCALES for a while as so many of my SparkFriends have learned.

I said what needed to be said to DH: my feelings were deeply hurt by the fact that he never called me back after yesterday AM, not a text, not an email, nada! He stammered out an apology, but then made his escape from the house (still working like a Trojan clearing brush & fixing fence). I should cut him some slack - all that & I expect sensitivity & caring?!? I just feel so very isolated; I TM'd P last night to tell him I was hitting the gym & would be late. I owed my training program 5 mi, but only knocked out 3.5. My L knee gave a nasty twinge about halfway through that distance, & I thought it best not to push it.

On my drive to the feed store this AM, I held my phone sadly as I realized that there was NO ONE I could call who might have A.) a clue, not to mention B.) a care about how I'm feeling. So after a while, I set it down again. My best therapy will have to wait until tomorrow, when I am RIDING no matter what!

I wound up granting Ex an additional weekend in Apr as "compensation" for my trade-off for the EW & F concert (in answer to yr q, the concert is out of town so swapping n' trading part of the weekend would not work); my heart is heavy at the prospect of losing even MORE precious time w/Z, but that just means we'll have to Carpe Diem that much harder...

Day 8

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Might as well start over... as I pat myself on the back for an 8-d streak of making myself protein shakes for breakfast. (I must say, half a frozen banana adds a wonderful creamy texture, almost like soft-serve ice cream!)

I have ALMOST painstakingly clawed myself back down to Middleweight status (well, according to gym scales today, I was 210 lbs fully clothed, but I await confirmation from home scales on Sat for an accurate & balanced evaluation)... I wish that each small increment of weight loss no longer triggered that defensive overeating response; why can't I simply keep my eyes on the prize like so many fellow Sparkers?

Hubby is looking more & more like a slightly-more-mature version of that cute younger guy I fell in love with 11 yrs ago, but let's not detour down that path of why gray hair & wrinkles can be "distinguished" on a man while they're hideous badges of old-crony-ism on a woman!?!?! I'm doing my best not to begrudge his success; I know he's worked darn hard too. (One of his major goals is to discontinue or reduce his BP meds... maybe my dismay that a man 2 yrs younger than myself has lined up 3 prescriptions for insidious threats like hypertension & high tryglycerides finally sunk in??)

The stress/strain of last week's tense negotiations w/Ex are gradually receding - with renewed irritation as I study the school calendar: SOB will also be getting an extra day on 3/09 since an in-service day starts off their Spring Break; how dare he berate ME about his "limited" time w/his son?!? (as noted previously, I have a had time conjuring up sympathy for an unfortunate set of circumstances which HE & HE ALONE engineered.)

I have tried to bolster my enthusiasm for my self-improvement journey oh so many times by telling myself, "Living Well is the best revenge!"...Nothing would give that evil man more satisfaction than seeing me overwhelmed by my health issues (best case: my death, but almost as good would be decline/defeat - obesity**, failure of 2nd marriage, death of my parents to whom I'm very close, etc). I refuse to give him that satisfaction.

**I think Ex was just as horrified by the fact that I gained WEIGHT after my thyroidectomy (which I subsequently have been unable to lose), as the fact that I had CANCER, for God's sake! How messed up is that?

Auto-Intoxication

Monday, March 05, 2012

(not the GOOD kind either ;-)

I wanted to title this: "Self-Sabotage", but I've previously used that... Guess I could go into Lucas**-like episodes: Part I, Part II, etc, etc...

We spent this past week trying desperately to cram in as much "FUN" as we could to safeguard ourselves against upcoming deprivation over Spring Break. I'd for the most part report unqualified success, even though today I'm tired & cranky, grateful for God's gift of CAFFEINE! Also detoxing from poor nutritional choices last weekend...

On Friday we journeyed up to the Earth, Wind & Fire concert - all I can say is WOW! it was fantastic, worth every bit of the frustration/aggravation/stress required to secure this priceless slice of Mommy & Z-time. I will refer back to this record when I have to render my pound of flesh, giving M back that extra weekend in April (don't ask me to explain; I know I don't "owe" him anything, it should have been an even trade, but he bullied me into it). I justify myself since it falls on a 2-d riding weekend, & I know it would have been a struggle to convince Z to ride even ONE of those days w/me... & who knows, it could very well turn out like Nov's ride, where I am asked to "work a day, ride a day". We'll see how it all shakes out.

**Sat night, P took us to see "Red Tails" which was good but in retrospect, we were pushing it a bit too hard! Z was getting his models ready for the Sun Warhammer tournament, so when we got home, we spent some fun-filled family time staying up late, helping him daub primer on a bunch of Orks...

Sunday, Z was anxious to "get there early", only to find out that they don't open until noon - w/45 min to kill, we wound up at the Krispy Kreme doughnut shoppe. Z really enjoyed watching the production line (it had been years since we'd taken him), but I found out the hard way that you cannot fuel a workout on pure sugar w/a generous portion of fat. (Hey, I only had two, but that was obviously TWO too many!) I hit the gym after I got Z settled in at his tournament, trying to fulfill my training schedule of 6 mi, but only made it 2.5, feeling like Krap! Arlington is my old stomping ground (I attended undergrad courses here, allowing me to save money by living at home), but I burned out on retail therapy & returned to the comic book store for the last couple of hrs of the tournament. But I still managed to embarrass my son ("Mom, why did you have to TALK to everyone?!?") even when I mostly kept to myself, reading a book in a luxurious slice of Me Time.

Today's been better, although I was too short on time to hit the gym over lunchtime - hunger pangs won out! I surf paleo & primal websites, obsessively scouring their success stories for helpful hints... One young woman made a point of saying that what she eats today determines how she performs tomorrow. In my case, it's similar - my choices have both an immediate as well as a delayed effect. All I can do is dust myself off & continue onwards.

Resisting Tempation...

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

...I only WISH I were referring to the dietary ones! Instead, I'm referring to bypassing the scales for a few more days, giving this past week's indiscretions a chance to fade away.

I have seemed bound & determined to erase every bit of progress I made on the Winter Challenge, w/a little surplus baggage to boot! Yet I was greatly inspired by a blog post from MICLWILDE as I went through some of my old emails:

www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
ge_public_journal_individu
al.asp?blog_id=4740301

Guilt-free foods, indeed. "Feeling guilty about eating is tragic. It's self abuse. I don't care if you just polished off 9 boxes of Oreos and a gallon of ice cream, feeling guilty about it is just adding emotional abuse on top of physical abuse."

Can I get a great big AMEN to that! I can't explain why I've been driven to punish myself w/non-nutritious junk like DONUTS for God's sake, when I haven't eaten 'em regularly for literally YEARS?!? Maybe it's residual guilt sneaking up behind to hamstring me in the aftermath of wrangling w/Ex... It's exhausting, it's debilitating, it always leaves a mark.

"Your challenge is to adopt an attitude that says, "I don't need your permission to stop abusing myself. I don't need your permission to retain my dignity and nurture my self esteem." (I can easily recall that sneer on M's face, the self-righteous smirk when he condemned me for overindulging - you would think those painful memories would be enough to halt these repetitious sprints back up the scales - but obviously I'm still purging that bad juju!)

Sometimes I feel like the only thing I'm training are my sweat glands - it was a hard push to force myself back to the gym today, but after the 1st ten minutes, the sweat started to flow & I settled into my routine (very slow) pace. I could have kept on going much farther, but I only had 35 min...

All it took was a light drizzle of rain today to keep the crowds away from the gym (one drawback of the new location is the fact that it's RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from the high school; some days it's hard to find a treadmill!) But there was no problem picking out mine today; the scattered trail of sweat droplets on the belt marked it well as I made my way back to wipe it down. Question: do you wipe down your equipment before as well as after?!? Guess I'm just not that fastidious - I only wipe it down AFTER I've sweated all over it...

Heartburn...

Friday, March 09, 2012

...is a better title than "Chest Pains"; my SparkFriends might be dismayed! (don't worry folks, I'm not being cavalier w/my health - that series of initials behind my surname does mean something. I know the difference between true & false angina)

www.triggerpointbook.com
/angina.htm

Now you just need to tell me: "Doctor, heal thyself!"

I let my coat flap open as I walked into the cold wind, since that did seem to ease my chest pains somewhat. I keep seeing the defeated look in my boy's eyes as he climbed into his father's truck this morning. I know we'll both get through this - myself easier than my boy, since I have upcoming Ride Trips to distract me; the burning question is WHY??? For literally YEARS I've been looking forward to Z's teenager-hood, when I thought he would gain some small measure of autonomy in this damnable visitation schedule. This is no longer the case in our great State of Texas. (It's whatever the divorced parents agreed upon; M can file contempt of court charges against me if I try to "interfere".)

So off & on over this past week, I've been troubled by chest pains, insomnia, nightmares... I should be full of congratulations for myself, wrestling my weight back down to "almost-Middleweight" status considering what must be the astronomically high levels of cortisol coursing through my system! Fight or flight, indeed.

This has veered off in an entirely novel direction, which is often the case w/my rambling writings... I'm better off closing this down & trying to post in a new & different, more optimistic vein later.