Forging, clipping, interfering - call it what you will, but I'll keep stockpiling these Priceless Documents.
My Black Dog
Sunday, March 11, 2012
...I've felt her sniffing at my heels, ready to crawl into my lap & smother me if I let down my guard, quit moving, succumb to the urge to hibernate.
(Winston Churchill referred to his depression as "the black dog" - hey! I happen to be rather fond of ordinary black dogs ;-) so I don't mind appropriating this great man's metaphor.)
4 hrs ago, I was unloading 350 lbs of feed in the drizzling rain... I had left the house under gray, leaden skies, hoping to finish my errand before the rains resumed. (no such luck) I HATE packing & getting trailer loaded in rainy muddy weather, it slows me way down & makes the whole process many times more difficult. However, the rain clouds cleared out a couple of hrs ago; we've now got clear blue skies & mild springtime temperatures!
"WELCOME TO TEXAS" - it figures, well after the tipping point when I could have gotten in a short training ride in preparation for next weekend's 50 mi ride... T'aint Baraq I'm worried about; I'll be the weak link on this trip. As long as we take it slow, we should be alright.
Step 1: the farrier was out Thurs (my day off) to tack some shoes on my lil' mudball.
Step 2: took truck in for routine service; while I have roadside assistance, I'd rather NOT have to call 'em!
Step 3: stripped bed linens, swept & cleaned out living quarters of trailer. (cleaning out horse compartment delayed - when sun came out, I locked the young dogs in it so chickens could come out & enjoy this spring weather!)
Step 4: cookin' up a storm in the kitchen so we'll have healthy choices (grilled chicken, avocado dip, baba ghanoush)
Step 5: transfer tack & grooming kit to big trailer. Finish filling water tanks, transfer clothes, horse & people food...
ANYway, these minor chores keep my mind off missing my boy TOO badly. Doesn't always work - in some ways it's worse now than when he was a toddler. We both must keep muddling through.
(Winston Churchill referred to his depression as "the black dog" - hey! I happen to be rather fond of ordinary black dogs ;-) so I don't mind appropriating this great man's metaphor.)
4 hrs ago, I was unloading 350 lbs of feed in the drizzling rain... I had left the house under gray, leaden skies, hoping to finish my errand before the rains resumed. (no such luck) I HATE packing & getting trailer loaded in rainy muddy weather, it slows me way down & makes the whole process many times more difficult. However, the rain clouds cleared out a couple of hrs ago; we've now got clear blue skies & mild springtime temperatures!
"WELCOME TO TEXAS" - it figures, well after the tipping point when I could have gotten in a short training ride in preparation for next weekend's 50 mi ride... T'aint Baraq I'm worried about; I'll be the weak link on this trip. As long as we take it slow, we should be alright.
Step 1: the farrier was out Thurs (my day off) to tack some shoes on my lil' mudball.
Step 2: took truck in for routine service; while I have roadside assistance, I'd rather NOT have to call 'em!
Step 3: stripped bed linens, swept & cleaned out living quarters of trailer. (cleaning out horse compartment delayed - when sun came out, I locked the young dogs in it so chickens could come out & enjoy this spring weather!)
Step 4: cookin' up a storm in the kitchen so we'll have healthy choices (grilled chicken, avocado dip, baba ghanoush)
Step 5: transfer tack & grooming kit to big trailer. Finish filling water tanks, transfer clothes, horse & people food...
ANYway, these minor chores keep my mind off missing my boy TOO badly. Doesn't always work - in some ways it's worse now than when he was a toddler. We both must keep muddling through.
Final Preparations...
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
...for getting the heck outta Dodge this evening!
Last night I hitched the trailed & got 'er out of the carport, parked down at the barn. (Hubby's project this weekend will be graveling in that carport extension so I can get my trailer out even when it rains!) It's dried up after a weekend of drizzling rain, but scudding clouds looked threatening yesterday - surely if I HADN'T hitched up, we would have gotten more rain & then I would have been stuck!
So tonight I'll push off after work, probably make Wichita Falls in 3.5 hrs or so. Just knocking a lil' bit off will make Thurs' "long haul" easier, as well as giving us a little wiggle room in case of flat tires or any other issues. Thurs morning I'll cruise on by Amarillo, pick up my friend Karen, her mare & teenage daughter (coming along to crew & do some shoppin' in Santa Fe), & we'll roll on across the border. If all goes well, we should be setting up camp well before sunset.
sites.google.com/site/sa
ntafeequestriancenter/anno
uncements/aercendurancerid
emarch172012
Words cannot express how much I am looking forward to this excursion! Let's hope I have good news to report next week. I've slacked off on my half-marathon training this week - sleep issues, general fatigue, "environmental malaise" or what have you... but plan on re-implementation of training program w/renewed vigor after this short unintended "taper" (39 d & counting).
Last night I hitched the trailed & got 'er out of the carport, parked down at the barn. (Hubby's project this weekend will be graveling in that carport extension so I can get my trailer out even when it rains!) It's dried up after a weekend of drizzling rain, but scudding clouds looked threatening yesterday - surely if I HADN'T hitched up, we would have gotten more rain & then I would have been stuck!
So tonight I'll push off after work, probably make Wichita Falls in 3.5 hrs or so. Just knocking a lil' bit off will make Thurs' "long haul" easier, as well as giving us a little wiggle room in case of flat tires or any other issues. Thurs morning I'll cruise on by Amarillo, pick up my friend Karen, her mare & teenage daughter (coming along to crew & do some shoppin' in Santa Fe), & we'll roll on across the border. If all goes well, we should be setting up camp well before sunset.
sites.google.com/site/sa
ntafeequestriancenter/anno
uncements/aercendurancerid
emarch172012
Words cannot express how much I am looking forward to this excursion! Let's hope I have good news to report next week. I've slacked off on my half-marathon training this week - sleep issues, general fatigue, "environmental malaise" or what have you... but plan on re-implementation of training program w/renewed vigor after this short unintended "taper" (39 d & counting).
No Time to Write...
Monday, March 19, 2012
But I CAN post a couple of photos, taken at the completion of Sat's ride by my friend's daughter!
Thumbs up for a job well done ponies!
& it's a dead heat at the finish line! (we were next-to-last, took it real slow & easy so there was no need to race at the finish)
Thumbs up for a job well done ponies!
& it's a dead heat at the finish line! (we were next-to-last, took it real slow & easy so there was no need to race at the finish)
"What I Do"
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
...in my spare time, that is! (I think most of my SparkFriends know that my "day job" is veterinarian, mixed-animal/exotic practice - you bring it, I'll treat it -- all species except PRIMATES! They carry too many nasty diseases that they can share w/us.)
Pretty much since I graduated from vet school, I've only had time for one main leisure-time pursuit - & for the past 20 yrs, that has been endurance riding: the sport** of riding long distances in a preset amount of time under strict veterinary controls.
"Real" endurance riding by definition is a 50, 75, or 100 mi ride, although most events sponsor a concurrent "Limited Distance" event of 25 or 35 mi. For each of these distances, a maximum time limit is set calculated at an average speed of approx 4.5 MPH... This works out to 6 hrs for 25 mi, 8 hrs for 35 mi, 12 hrs for 50 mi, 18 hrs for 75 mi, and 24 hrs for 100 mi. (This includes mandatory rest stops which are the same for all competitors.)
For instance, I finished last weekend's 50-mi event in 10 hrs: subtracting the two 45-min "holds", that left a ride time of 8.5 hrs. Most of this was a steady trot, but there were a few rocky stretches which we had to walk through.
**My pal Karen recounted the tale to me of one of her obnoxious co-workers (she's a high school teacher) - when she mentioned that she was training for this event of ours last weekend, the woman opined that endurance riding "was not a REAL sport, bcz the horse does all the work!"
Needless to say, we beg to differ - Karen wanted BADLY to offer this woman a chance to ride - odds are, after a few miles of trotting, she would be begging for mercy! This week, I am sore along all of my sinews from the nape of my neck to my Achilles tendons... It's definitely a good core workout!
(To be continued - busy day!)
Pretty much since I graduated from vet school, I've only had time for one main leisure-time pursuit - & for the past 20 yrs, that has been endurance riding: the sport** of riding long distances in a preset amount of time under strict veterinary controls.
"Real" endurance riding by definition is a 50, 75, or 100 mi ride, although most events sponsor a concurrent "Limited Distance" event of 25 or 35 mi. For each of these distances, a maximum time limit is set calculated at an average speed of approx 4.5 MPH... This works out to 6 hrs for 25 mi, 8 hrs for 35 mi, 12 hrs for 50 mi, 18 hrs for 75 mi, and 24 hrs for 100 mi. (This includes mandatory rest stops which are the same for all competitors.)
For instance, I finished last weekend's 50-mi event in 10 hrs: subtracting the two 45-min "holds", that left a ride time of 8.5 hrs. Most of this was a steady trot, but there were a few rocky stretches which we had to walk through.
**My pal Karen recounted the tale to me of one of her obnoxious co-workers (she's a high school teacher) - when she mentioned that she was training for this event of ours last weekend, the woman opined that endurance riding "was not a REAL sport, bcz the horse does all the work!"
Needless to say, we beg to differ - Karen wanted BADLY to offer this woman a chance to ride - odds are, after a few miles of trotting, she would be begging for mercy! This week, I am sore along all of my sinews from the nape of my neck to my Achilles tendons... It's definitely a good core workout!
(To be continued - busy day!)
Deflection/Reflection
Monday, March 26, 2012
It seems that some of my best revelations occur to me during "drive time": when I have a few free moments to myself over my lunch break. On these occasions, I will generally whip out my iPhone & dictate a quick memo-to-self...
This AM I dropped my boy off at school w/a mixed sense of trepidation & relief; trepidation over whatever sh!t his father may pile on him this evening (Mon's are his normal weeknight-visitation), relief at the prospect of having an evening (mostly) to myself... Our latest drama is The Great Placement-Exam Conspiracy!
The good news is that Z has been accepted to his HS of choice (not that this was ever in doubt; he IS the top student in his class, not that I'm braggin' or anything ;-) - the bad news is the limitations his father is sure to impose, no matter how he purports to be 100% in favor of Z's choice...
Z needs to take placement exams so he can get in the appropriate classes & hopefully be on the fast track to start earning college credits (a major factor in deciding to make the sacrifices to send him to this institution) as early as his sophomore year. The potential dates are 4/21 (M's weekend) or 4/28 (mine) - but the only LOGICAL choice is the first date, since Z's class trip has been rescheduled for that last week of April: they will be returning very LATE on Fri by bus from San Antonio, probably not getting back until 12 - 1 AM. Would it be fair to expect Z to do his best, showing up for his placement exams after only a few hrs sleep?
What do you think his father's eminently FAIR response was when I aired these concerns, trying to have a reasonable phone conversation w/him last week?
"Maybe he just doesn't need to go on this trip!"
I've shelved these worries for now, SparkFriends - I just wanted to relax & enjoy our time together this past weekend, & of course I expect to hear all about Sh!t My Dad Says when Z gets back manana. I emailed the admissions director last week; I cringed away from filling her in on the details of our contentious divorce, but just wanted to let her know it's entirely possible that M may request special circumstances for Z... I'm going to sign Z up for the 21st & his father will either come through for him, or not.
(M is also pissed off that he has to deliver Z to church next Palm Sunday, since he is portraying Pontius Pilate in the 8th grade Passion play... Displaced aggression in my opinion, since I wasn't responsible for Ms B's cast selections - but instead of being proud for his son, M would rather b!tch about it.)
This AM I dropped my boy off at school w/a mixed sense of trepidation & relief; trepidation over whatever sh!t his father may pile on him this evening (Mon's are his normal weeknight-visitation), relief at the prospect of having an evening (mostly) to myself... Our latest drama is The Great Placement-Exam Conspiracy!
The good news is that Z has been accepted to his HS of choice (not that this was ever in doubt; he IS the top student in his class, not that I'm braggin' or anything ;-) - the bad news is the limitations his father is sure to impose, no matter how he purports to be 100% in favor of Z's choice...
Z needs to take placement exams so he can get in the appropriate classes & hopefully be on the fast track to start earning college credits (a major factor in deciding to make the sacrifices to send him to this institution) as early as his sophomore year. The potential dates are 4/21 (M's weekend) or 4/28 (mine) - but the only LOGICAL choice is the first date, since Z's class trip has been rescheduled for that last week of April: they will be returning very LATE on Fri by bus from San Antonio, probably not getting back until 12 - 1 AM. Would it be fair to expect Z to do his best, showing up for his placement exams after only a few hrs sleep?
What do you think his father's eminently FAIR response was when I aired these concerns, trying to have a reasonable phone conversation w/him last week?
"Maybe he just doesn't need to go on this trip!"
I've shelved these worries for now, SparkFriends - I just wanted to relax & enjoy our time together this past weekend, & of course I expect to hear all about Sh!t My Dad Says when Z gets back manana. I emailed the admissions director last week; I cringed away from filling her in on the details of our contentious divorce, but just wanted to let her know it's entirely possible that M may request special circumstances for Z... I'm going to sign Z up for the 21st & his father will either come through for him, or not.
(M is also pissed off that he has to deliver Z to church next Palm Sunday, since he is portraying Pontius Pilate in the 8th grade Passion play... Displaced aggression in my opinion, since I wasn't responsible for Ms B's cast selections - but instead of being proud for his son, M would rather b!tch about it.)
Shock & Awe
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
...or, just when I think nothing my ex does is going to surprise me any longer, he dives to NEW depths of idiocy!
I had previously mentioned his resistance (to put it mildly) to transporting his son to our church last Palm Sunday for his participation in their 8th grade Passion play as Pontius Pilate (Hint to FB friends: I managed to post the video clip; his teacher said Z was the BEST Pontius Pilate they've EVER had!)
& there you have the good news first; in the end, M did bring him & things went off without a hitch. I was incredibly proud of Z even before I heard The Rest of the Story.
Apparently M took Z w/him on a computer-networks-service outcall last Sat night; they did not get home until 5:30 AM. At one point my poor child described trying to line up office chairs so he could lie down & nap a bit, but finally gave up & lay down on the concrete floor. I know what M hoped for is that Z would fall asleep when they got back home, and be too exhausted to get up & go to church... but not my boy! He slept for 2 hrs, got up at 7:30 & carried on.
Tell me, seriously, what kind of man treats his own flesh & blood that way?!? Is he that sick & twisted that he'll stop at nothing to get his own way, to hurt me??
Why didn't he at least let poor Z go sleep in the back seat of his truck? Part of me relishes the thought of beating that man's brains out against a concrete floor; it would be SO therapeutic!
Let's talk about orthorexia: my mom picked Z up as usual yesterday, but he refused his usual after-school dish of ice cream (she buys him his special peanut-butter-cup Breyer's which fortunately holds no appeal for me ;-)... Luckily I had brought over a generous serving of our special grilled chicken from last week's big cook-up, but he stated he "should only eat 3 oz" as he asked Grandma how much was left in the container. There was a full 8 oz there, but she told him that was "about right", & he ate it all up.
(As I'm sure I've mentioned before, M was horrified at my weight gain post thyroidectomy & keeps himself on strict rations - imagine my glee as I notice these days, despite his best efforts he has developed a small "middle-aged spread")
We went to the cafeteria for dinner; Z had grilled fish & some salad (what child is this?!?) - the model of restraint for let's say, someone like ME! but woefully inadequate for a growing 13-yr old boy. (You know, I might understand the lectures if Z came anywhere CLOSE to having a weight problem, but I can almost squeeze his skinny waist flat between my hands!) Something in my mother's intuition told me to check on him before I went to bed - Z wasn't asleep, & admitted to being hungry. Luckily I also had some leftover lamb Rogan Josh which reheated quickly; I sat w/him hawkishly while I watched him consume a big bowlful. I tried to tell him that growing teenagers don't NEED to restrict their calories as long as they're making reasonably healthy food choices, walking that tightrope between telling him what's RIGHT while restraining myself from ranting about his idiot father.
Lord, grant me patience because if I pray for STRENGTH I might just beat that man to death!
I had previously mentioned his resistance (to put it mildly) to transporting his son to our church last Palm Sunday for his participation in their 8th grade Passion play as Pontius Pilate (Hint to FB friends: I managed to post the video clip; his teacher said Z was the BEST Pontius Pilate they've EVER had!)
& there you have the good news first; in the end, M did bring him & things went off without a hitch. I was incredibly proud of Z even before I heard The Rest of the Story.
Apparently M took Z w/him on a computer-networks-service outcall last Sat night; they did not get home until 5:30 AM. At one point my poor child described trying to line up office chairs so he could lie down & nap a bit, but finally gave up & lay down on the concrete floor. I know what M hoped for is that Z would fall asleep when they got back home, and be too exhausted to get up & go to church... but not my boy! He slept for 2 hrs, got up at 7:30 & carried on.
Tell me, seriously, what kind of man treats his own flesh & blood that way?!? Is he that sick & twisted that he'll stop at nothing to get his own way, to hurt me??
Why didn't he at least let poor Z go sleep in the back seat of his truck? Part of me relishes the thought of beating that man's brains out against a concrete floor; it would be SO therapeutic!
Let's talk about orthorexia: my mom picked Z up as usual yesterday, but he refused his usual after-school dish of ice cream (she buys him his special peanut-butter-cup Breyer's which fortunately holds no appeal for me ;-)... Luckily I had brought over a generous serving of our special grilled chicken from last week's big cook-up, but he stated he "should only eat 3 oz" as he asked Grandma how much was left in the container. There was a full 8 oz there, but she told him that was "about right", & he ate it all up.
(As I'm sure I've mentioned before, M was horrified at my weight gain post thyroidectomy & keeps himself on strict rations - imagine my glee as I notice these days, despite his best efforts he has developed a small "middle-aged spread")
We went to the cafeteria for dinner; Z had grilled fish & some salad (what child is this?!?) - the model of restraint for let's say, someone like ME! but woefully inadequate for a growing 13-yr old boy. (You know, I might understand the lectures if Z came anywhere CLOSE to having a weight problem, but I can almost squeeze his skinny waist flat between my hands!) Something in my mother's intuition told me to check on him before I went to bed - Z wasn't asleep, & admitted to being hungry. Luckily I also had some leftover lamb Rogan Josh which reheated quickly; I sat w/him hawkishly while I watched him consume a big bowlful. I tried to tell him that growing teenagers don't NEED to restrict their calories as long as they're making reasonably healthy food choices, walking that tightrope between telling him what's RIGHT while restraining myself from ranting about his idiot father.
Lord, grant me patience because if I pray for STRENGTH I might just beat that man to death!
Begin Again
Monday, April 09, 2012
My frustrations & worries are TNTC (Too Numerous To Count) this AM...
I was awake at 4:22 AM going over all of it again, which I fully recognize as a pointless exercise in futility; finally managed to drift back off - which had me sleeping HARD when my 7 AM alarm went off! Had to hit that snooze button twice...
It's frustrating to be married to a computer expert, yet be unable to use the SP blog-entry feature on home computer; the screen freezes up almost each & every time! So this entry is brought to you courtesy of the iPad - better than nothing, but slows down my typing considerably...
Next weekend hovers on my personal horizon like a big ominous cloud: it is "MY" weekend which the Ex bullied me into giving to him as a bonus in exchange for swapping that weekend last month so we could go to EW & F concert. Absolutely unfair - it isn't as if I deprived him of anything, after all! - it was an even swap. Z says he ain't going, & I will fully support him in this. So I anxiously await Z's return home manana so I can find out if he broke this news to his father - that is, if it was even mentioned! It is possible that M may have forgotten all about it, once he achieved his immediate goal of pushing me around. Oh, the unhappy stories I could tell you all from Marriage #1, but it's too awkward typing on this tablet...
Part of me is really hoping that The Irresistable Force is meeting The Immovable Object, but another part of me is filled w/fear & trepidation: I know what the man is capable of, & it's more than empty threats. He could really make Z's life even MORE miserable, both long & short-term. Right at this moment I'm thinking of the HS placement exams Z is scheduled to take on 4/21. It would really be unfair if Z had to do the full day's testing on 4/28 on only a few hr's sleep (they'll be coming back from class trip Fri night)
Anyway, might as well get on w/my day: Que sera, sera! I'll just do my best to conduct myself in an honorable & forthright manner, trying to do what's best for my son. I mixed a little freeze-dried coffee into my protein shake (ummm, mocha!) to prop my eyelids open, & will try to keep my few Constant Readers updated as this week unfolds.
I was awake at 4:22 AM going over all of it again, which I fully recognize as a pointless exercise in futility; finally managed to drift back off - which had me sleeping HARD when my 7 AM alarm went off! Had to hit that snooze button twice...
It's frustrating to be married to a computer expert, yet be unable to use the SP blog-entry feature on home computer; the screen freezes up almost each & every time! So this entry is brought to you courtesy of the iPad - better than nothing, but slows down my typing considerably...
Next weekend hovers on my personal horizon like a big ominous cloud: it is "MY" weekend which the Ex bullied me into giving to him as a bonus in exchange for swapping that weekend last month so we could go to EW & F concert. Absolutely unfair - it isn't as if I deprived him of anything, after all! - it was an even swap. Z says he ain't going, & I will fully support him in this. So I anxiously await Z's return home manana so I can find out if he broke this news to his father - that is, if it was even mentioned! It is possible that M may have forgotten all about it, once he achieved his immediate goal of pushing me around. Oh, the unhappy stories I could tell you all from Marriage #1, but it's too awkward typing on this tablet...
Part of me is really hoping that The Irresistable Force is meeting The Immovable Object, but another part of me is filled w/fear & trepidation: I know what the man is capable of, & it's more than empty threats. He could really make Z's life even MORE miserable, both long & short-term. Right at this moment I'm thinking of the HS placement exams Z is scheduled to take on 4/21. It would really be unfair if Z had to do the full day's testing on 4/28 on only a few hr's sleep (they'll be coming back from class trip Fri night)
Anyway, might as well get on w/my day: Que sera, sera! I'll just do my best to conduct myself in an honorable & forthright manner, trying to do what's best for my son. I mixed a little freeze-dried coffee into my protein shake (ummm, mocha!) to prop my eyelids open, & will try to keep my few Constant Readers updated as this week unfolds.
Stress & Exhaustion
Friday, April 13, 2012
I am SO so very tired of this nonsense... 4 yrs & 2 mos more now??!!??
Second-guessing myself as always after a verbal battle w/Ex - he has an unerring way of hitting you in your weakest spots, making you doubt your own judgement, painting your behaviour in the worst possible light (of course, since it didn't accommodate His Majesty's wishes!)...
Maybe I SHOULD have informed him whenever it was that I brought up "M's bonus weekend" (the one he extorted out of me to swap in exchange for concert - it wasn't as if I deprived him of ANYTHING; I gave him the 4th weekend of Feb, he traded me the 1st weekend in March!) - & my poor embattered son basically said: Hell no, I won't go! but nah, that just would have meant MORE stress & strain, extra days of negotiation, threats, & battles. (Spread out over a couple of weeks instead of Just One Day.)
"I'm disappointed that once again we've changed an agreement after the fact, and after you've received your benefit. It's no coincidence that in 12 years of our visitation agreement we have never once adjusted the visitation schedule to benefit me. We will have to agree to disagree on our parenting styles and whether a minor should have the ability to alter the court's order. I get that Zach is growing up and I certainly look for opportunities to let him stretch his wings. This is not a place I would include in that list.
I have repeatedly extended my hand to be accommodating to you and and your family and with rare exception I end up with the short end of the stick. Because I place significant value on all visitation time with Z I will pick him up at school and take him to the party tomorrow."
(What I had proposed as a compromise was a "split weekend" - ah, let me just let you read what I thought was a masterpiece of restraint & diplomacy ;-) even as my urge was to curse violently & hit things)
"There is no need to forward emails to me, figuratively waving paper & getting all worked up... I remember perfectly well what we agreed to.
What I would like you to sit quietly & contemplate is the fact that Z is a young adult, certainly not a child anymore, & HIS thoughts & feelings should be considered in the day-to-day organization of his life. That's why when I mentioned the additional weekend swap to him a couple of weeks ago and Z immediately replied, "I ain't going!" my reflexive response was Well, you are correct, son, you don't have to!
That being said, after we spoke about it again this morning**, Z offered a compromise: if you will take him to (classmate's) party tomorrow, he will go with you tonight. I can pick him up at the end of (classmate's) party to make it a "split" weekend.
Kindly acknowledge receipt of this message ASAP, since I promised Z I would relay a message to him so he knows how things are going to work out for him this weekend."
**I thought we were free & clear when M left a msg on home answering machine last night (don't even get me started on the Homework Fiasco; if Z's grade were anywhere near marginal, his father might have some right to harass him, but he's making straight A's!), saying he "would talk to him tomorrow night" - Yippee! He's forgotten about it! but that was only wishful thinking, since M called @ 7:40 this morning to confirm pickup...
The whole thing is such a tawdry, sordid mess - I apologize for bringing you, my SparkFriends, into it. *&%#@^&%!*+#%@$!!!
Second-guessing myself as always after a verbal battle w/Ex - he has an unerring way of hitting you in your weakest spots, making you doubt your own judgement, painting your behaviour in the worst possible light (of course, since it didn't accommodate His Majesty's wishes!)...
Maybe I SHOULD have informed him whenever it was that I brought up "M's bonus weekend" (the one he extorted out of me to swap in exchange for concert - it wasn't as if I deprived him of ANYTHING; I gave him the 4th weekend of Feb, he traded me the 1st weekend in March!) - & my poor embattered son basically said: Hell no, I won't go! but nah, that just would have meant MORE stress & strain, extra days of negotiation, threats, & battles. (Spread out over a couple of weeks instead of Just One Day.)
"I'm disappointed that once again we've changed an agreement after the fact, and after you've received your benefit. It's no coincidence that in 12 years of our visitation agreement we have never once adjusted the visitation schedule to benefit me. We will have to agree to disagree on our parenting styles and whether a minor should have the ability to alter the court's order. I get that Zach is growing up and I certainly look for opportunities to let him stretch his wings. This is not a place I would include in that list.
I have repeatedly extended my hand to be accommodating to you and and your family and with rare exception I end up with the short end of the stick. Because I place significant value on all visitation time with Z I will pick him up at school and take him to the party tomorrow."
(What I had proposed as a compromise was a "split weekend" - ah, let me just let you read what I thought was a masterpiece of restraint & diplomacy ;-) even as my urge was to curse violently & hit things)
"There is no need to forward emails to me, figuratively waving paper & getting all worked up... I remember perfectly well what we agreed to.
What I would like you to sit quietly & contemplate is the fact that Z is a young adult, certainly not a child anymore, & HIS thoughts & feelings should be considered in the day-to-day organization of his life. That's why when I mentioned the additional weekend swap to him a couple of weeks ago and Z immediately replied, "I ain't going!" my reflexive response was Well, you are correct, son, you don't have to!
That being said, after we spoke about it again this morning**, Z offered a compromise: if you will take him to (classmate's) party tomorrow, he will go with you tonight. I can pick him up at the end of (classmate's) party to make it a "split" weekend.
Kindly acknowledge receipt of this message ASAP, since I promised Z I would relay a message to him so he knows how things are going to work out for him this weekend."
**I thought we were free & clear when M left a msg on home answering machine last night (don't even get me started on the Homework Fiasco; if Z's grade were anywhere near marginal, his father might have some right to harass him, but he's making straight A's!), saying he "would talk to him tomorrow night" - Yippee! He's forgotten about it! but that was only wishful thinking, since M called @ 7:40 this morning to confirm pickup...
The whole thing is such a tawdry, sordid mess - I apologize for bringing you, my SparkFriends, into it. *&%#@^&%!*+#%@$!!!
The Mind-Body Connection
Monday, April 16, 2012
A sterling example of such: I sent my boy away for a single night (the stress & strain of "the split weekend"; see previous blog entry) HEALTHY & he comes back SICK...
A brief recap of my weekend: Ex agreed to my proposal to split Z's weekend (he picked him up Fri, brought him to classmate's BD party Sat afternoon, I picked him up afterwards). I drove out to horse camp (a little over an hour from home) Fri afternoon & did my duty as ride vet, doing pre-ride exams... Drove back home, finished packing trailer Sat morning, drove WAY out W to classmate's party Sat afternoon (interspersed w/short "blowing off steam" gym visit, GO ME! Scales showed slight progress this week, a pleasant surprise)...
Bad weather was blowing in, Z ganged up on me w/a couple of his friends so instead of coming home, loading up & hauling back to horse camp (to ride Sun morning), I wound up taking him & friends to see the cheesy prison movie "Lockout" Sat night. What's not to like? Guy Pearce is pleasant enough, but as Roger Ebert describes, being the President's daughter should merit hazardous-duty pay ;-) !
I would have felt a LOT better Sun morning if it had been pouring down rain when I got up, but it just drizzled off & on w/strong gusty winds most of the day... Still, I credit myself for making the right decision - w/Z coming down w/sinus crud, I didn't need to haul him out on trail. And a 25-mi ride wouldn't have gained us any points towards year-end awards either (that's only for the 50, 75, & 100-mi rides).
Now I can fret about lack of preparedness for my next 2 rides - I'm scheduled to do a 50-miler in 2 wks, and a tough 75-miler the week after that. Ah well, nothing like a challenge, is there?
At least I am feeling better about my decisions & choices**, even if stress bleeding through from last week led to some poor (dietary) choices this past weekend. I pick myself up & start anew today - the gym beckons!
**Ex is gonna be chronically pissed at me anyway, so I feel good about NOT letting him walk all over me & steal my entire precious weekend w/Z! Even a "half-sick" one was worthwhile - I know Z enjoyed just hanging out at home; we watched a few segments of "Titanic" yesterday to commemorate the anniversary.
(I was a little disturbed by the fact that a hard workout last Thurs - when I put in an hour on the TM - left me feeling wiped out most of Thurs afternoon. Still gotta clean up my act, nutritionally speaking, line up a few good night's rest - THEN if I still feel crappy, I'll worry!)
A brief recap of my weekend: Ex agreed to my proposal to split Z's weekend (he picked him up Fri, brought him to classmate's BD party Sat afternoon, I picked him up afterwards). I drove out to horse camp (a little over an hour from home) Fri afternoon & did my duty as ride vet, doing pre-ride exams... Drove back home, finished packing trailer Sat morning, drove WAY out W to classmate's party Sat afternoon (interspersed w/short "blowing off steam" gym visit, GO ME! Scales showed slight progress this week, a pleasant surprise)...
Bad weather was blowing in, Z ganged up on me w/a couple of his friends so instead of coming home, loading up & hauling back to horse camp (to ride Sun morning), I wound up taking him & friends to see the cheesy prison movie "Lockout" Sat night. What's not to like? Guy Pearce is pleasant enough, but as Roger Ebert describes, being the President's daughter should merit hazardous-duty pay ;-) !
I would have felt a LOT better Sun morning if it had been pouring down rain when I got up, but it just drizzled off & on w/strong gusty winds most of the day... Still, I credit myself for making the right decision - w/Z coming down w/sinus crud, I didn't need to haul him out on trail. And a 25-mi ride wouldn't have gained us any points towards year-end awards either (that's only for the 50, 75, & 100-mi rides).
Now I can fret about lack of preparedness for my next 2 rides - I'm scheduled to do a 50-miler in 2 wks, and a tough 75-miler the week after that. Ah well, nothing like a challenge, is there?
At least I am feeling better about my decisions & choices**, even if stress bleeding through from last week led to some poor (dietary) choices this past weekend. I pick myself up & start anew today - the gym beckons!
**Ex is gonna be chronically pissed at me anyway, so I feel good about NOT letting him walk all over me & steal my entire precious weekend w/Z! Even a "half-sick" one was worthwhile - I know Z enjoyed just hanging out at home; we watched a few segments of "Titanic" yesterday to commemorate the anniversary.
(I was a little disturbed by the fact that a hard workout last Thurs - when I put in an hour on the TM - left me feeling wiped out most of Thurs afternoon. Still gotta clean up my act, nutritionally speaking, line up a few good night's rest - THEN if I still feel crappy, I'll worry!)
This Comment Was Not Directed at Me...
Friday, April 20, 2012
...instead it is something I came across on another's blog, but this spoke to me so I hereby appropriate it for my own use**:
"the only one you have to answer to is yourself. keep doing what you feel is right for yourself and you win. the pain and aggravation of loving the wrong person never goes away. those that say it does has never loved the wrong person."
**isn't that one of the great things about this free-wheeling marketplace of ideas we call the Internet?? Take what you need & leave the rest!!!
I just wish these days I felt I was doing "Right": by myself, by my son, by the rest of my (human as well as animal) family... Yesterday, in a hideous spasm of self-pity, I ducked into a bakery & bought my poor pitiful self a batch of cookies. So at best I will likely hold steady this week; how can I reasonably expect the scales NOT to show an uptick Sat morning?!? (it wasn't a gluten-free bakery either ;-)
My son sensed my mood: "Mom, what's wrong?" - despite my assurances of the contrary - "I can TELL something's bothering you!" Where to begin, my angel?
A.) After I dropped Z off at school this AM, I won't get to see him for another interminable 9-d stretch: he'll be at his dad's through Mon, then on Tues AM they are taking their class trip to Sea World! I will meet him at school w/his suitcase, that won't count for much in the excitement of departure.
B.) Z is scheduled to take his mathematics placement exam for HS on Sat & it's his father's responsibility to get him there on time, hopefully adequately rested & well-nourished. Just to be certain we don't forget about him, M has been calling so far every night this week to harass Z about his math worksheets. Yes, this is a young man currently holding down a 96 average in mathematics.
C.) Next weekend (mine), I had already promised my friend Carla that I would work pre-ride exams (Fri afternoon) in exchange for an entry to her regional championship ride. Of course I had hoped to have my boy accompany me, but that will no longer be possible - when the Sea World trip was rescheduled, they will be returning Fri evening... AND since my ex wanted to equally inconvenience everybody, Z has to return on Sat 4/28 to finish taking his placement exams (Spanish & computer applications).
I feel as if I am gathering the tattered remnants of my ambitious spring ride schedule around me like a cloak, only it's all smoke & mirrors... I've already signed up to do what SOUNDS like a fun & challenging point-to-point 75-mi ride the first weekend of May, it's a long haul to MO when I'm feeling so uncertain about my probability of success! But this may be one of those cases in which one "leaps & the net shall appear".
"the only one you have to answer to is yourself. keep doing what you feel is right for yourself and you win. the pain and aggravation of loving the wrong person never goes away. those that say it does has never loved the wrong person."
**isn't that one of the great things about this free-wheeling marketplace of ideas we call the Internet?? Take what you need & leave the rest!!!
I just wish these days I felt I was doing "Right": by myself, by my son, by the rest of my (human as well as animal) family... Yesterday, in a hideous spasm of self-pity, I ducked into a bakery & bought my poor pitiful self a batch of cookies. So at best I will likely hold steady this week; how can I reasonably expect the scales NOT to show an uptick Sat morning?!? (it wasn't a gluten-free bakery either ;-)
My son sensed my mood: "Mom, what's wrong?" - despite my assurances of the contrary - "I can TELL something's bothering you!" Where to begin, my angel?
A.) After I dropped Z off at school this AM, I won't get to see him for another interminable 9-d stretch: he'll be at his dad's through Mon, then on Tues AM they are taking their class trip to Sea World! I will meet him at school w/his suitcase, that won't count for much in the excitement of departure.
B.) Z is scheduled to take his mathematics placement exam for HS on Sat & it's his father's responsibility to get him there on time, hopefully adequately rested & well-nourished. Just to be certain we don't forget about him, M has been calling so far every night this week to harass Z about his math worksheets. Yes, this is a young man currently holding down a 96 average in mathematics.
C.) Next weekend (mine), I had already promised my friend Carla that I would work pre-ride exams (Fri afternoon) in exchange for an entry to her regional championship ride. Of course I had hoped to have my boy accompany me, but that will no longer be possible - when the Sea World trip was rescheduled, they will be returning Fri evening... AND since my ex wanted to equally inconvenience everybody, Z has to return on Sat 4/28 to finish taking his placement exams (Spanish & computer applications).
I feel as if I am gathering the tattered remnants of my ambitious spring ride schedule around me like a cloak, only it's all smoke & mirrors... I've already signed up to do what SOUNDS like a fun & challenging point-to-point 75-mi ride the first weekend of May, it's a long haul to MO when I'm feeling so uncertain about my probability of success! But this may be one of those cases in which one "leaps & the net shall appear".
Taking my Medicine
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I KNEW the news would NOT be favorable when I climbed dejectedly onto the scales this AM for my official Sat morning weigh-in... After an encouraging early downtick, today I'm UP 1.2 lbs higher than starting weight 5 wks ago!
I certainly can't feign surprise w/the crappy food choices I've been making; turmoil in my personal life be damned... (but remind me to fill you in on my SIL drama)
Still, today is a heartbreakingly beautiful spring day, hard to be in a bad mood even as I'm missing my boy (believe it or not, I seem to miss him MORE at this age than when he was younger - you would think I'd be used to it by now, after all these years)... Mildly pissed at myself for letting myself get roped into doing an extra-special (non-emergency) farm call for a good client when I'd MUCH rather be RIDING, but there's always mañana.
Two pieces of good news: I have been playing w/ my kettle bell (bought a puny 10-pounder** on a whim when the boy & I were at Sports Authority a couple of wks ago) - it is harder than it looks! I bought Tracy Reifkind's book "The Swing" which is quite inspirational: she lost 120 lbs swinging the Russian kettle bell & has maintained for 5+ yrs now. If I get serious about this, I'll probably buy her DVD.
I also bought a Zen Buddhist book titled "Radical Acceptance"... I think the title says it all. I paged through it a bit in the tub last night, but will post a more thorough review after I finish it.
Psyching myself to get back on that bronc SparkFriends! Let's DO this!
giryastrength.com/index.
html
**the first thing I found out when I started reading Tracy's book was that I bought TOO SMALL; she recommends an 8 kg/18 lb bell for a woman beginner!
I certainly can't feign surprise w/the crappy food choices I've been making; turmoil in my personal life be damned... (but remind me to fill you in on my SIL drama)
Still, today is a heartbreakingly beautiful spring day, hard to be in a bad mood even as I'm missing my boy (believe it or not, I seem to miss him MORE at this age than when he was younger - you would think I'd be used to it by now, after all these years)... Mildly pissed at myself for letting myself get roped into doing an extra-special (non-emergency) farm call for a good client when I'd MUCH rather be RIDING, but there's always mañana.
Two pieces of good news: I have been playing w/ my kettle bell (bought a puny 10-pounder** on a whim when the boy & I were at Sports Authority a couple of wks ago) - it is harder than it looks! I bought Tracy Reifkind's book "The Swing" which is quite inspirational: she lost 120 lbs swinging the Russian kettle bell & has maintained for 5+ yrs now. If I get serious about this, I'll probably buy her DVD.
I also bought a Zen Buddhist book titled "Radical Acceptance"... I think the title says it all. I paged through it a bit in the tub last night, but will post a more thorough review after I finish it.
Psyching myself to get back on that bronc SparkFriends! Let's DO this!
giryastrength.com/index.
html
**the first thing I found out when I started reading Tracy's book was that I bought TOO SMALL; she recommends an 8 kg/18 lb bell for a woman beginner!
Seems Like Old Times
Monday, April 23, 2012
I'd have given anything to have had a camera yesterday evening as I emerged from the underbrush & encountered Karen M coming down the hill! Unfortunately, my hands were full between Champ's reins & Baraq's lead rope... She and Cass** came to a perfect half-halt; they looked GREAT against that backdrop of green grass and wildflowers.
**Big showy black and white Pintarabian, tall thin Karen sitting straight & tall in the saddle! Deep sigh, if only we could all look that good...
(I tried to find a comparable photo among recent ride galleries, but nothing comes close - either A.) horse looks good or B.) rider looks good; rarely do the two conditions coincide!)
I had called KM earlier that afternoon, offering to pick up 11-yr old daughter Melissa to ride Champ for me - of course Karen herself would have been welcome to come too. It's hard to exercise more than one pony at a time - it's enough of a challenge to stay astride one, as much as I've joked about Roman riding! Since she's rebuffed my last few invitations to ride, I didn't hold out much hope for those prospects - so it was quite the pleasant surprise to encounter her on trail.
youtu.be/PJqLZxNq3fM
She had a change of heart and flew the coop by her lonesome, since her girls had not earned the privilege of a ride... She wouldn't have caught up w/me so quickly, but I had doubled back on the short loop, angry w/myself for forgetting my riding gloves. Baraq had already ripped his lead rope through my palm once, giving me a minor rope burn, and I had decided to cut my losses, a little bit of exercise was better than nothing! But now Karen gave me her R glove and we could head out on trail once more.
We've ridden hundreds of miles together in those carefree days "BB": Before Babies, and w/any luck we will again...Just no longer at liberty to saddle up and ride down the roadside from our houses (3 mi apart) - I'll never forget the shockingly slow "trail crawl" we did when Karen first saddled up after Melissa was born (approx 10 wks post C-section for her); we used to blast down the roadside at the trot or canter, nevermind loose gravel, speeding traffic, barking dogs... "What has happened to us?!?" Karen exclaimed, "We're turned into...MOMS!"
**Big showy black and white Pintarabian, tall thin Karen sitting straight & tall in the saddle! Deep sigh, if only we could all look that good...
(I tried to find a comparable photo among recent ride galleries, but nothing comes close - either A.) horse looks good or B.) rider looks good; rarely do the two conditions coincide!)
I had called KM earlier that afternoon, offering to pick up 11-yr old daughter Melissa to ride Champ for me - of course Karen herself would have been welcome to come too. It's hard to exercise more than one pony at a time - it's enough of a challenge to stay astride one, as much as I've joked about Roman riding! Since she's rebuffed my last few invitations to ride, I didn't hold out much hope for those prospects - so it was quite the pleasant surprise to encounter her on trail.
youtu.be/PJqLZxNq3fM
She had a change of heart and flew the coop by her lonesome, since her girls had not earned the privilege of a ride... She wouldn't have caught up w/me so quickly, but I had doubled back on the short loop, angry w/myself for forgetting my riding gloves. Baraq had already ripped his lead rope through my palm once, giving me a minor rope burn, and I had decided to cut my losses, a little bit of exercise was better than nothing! But now Karen gave me her R glove and we could head out on trail once more.
We've ridden hundreds of miles together in those carefree days "BB": Before Babies, and w/any luck we will again...Just no longer at liberty to saddle up and ride down the roadside from our houses (3 mi apart) - I'll never forget the shockingly slow "trail crawl" we did when Karen first saddled up after Melissa was born (approx 10 wks post C-section for her); we used to blast down the roadside at the trot or canter, nevermind loose gravel, speeding traffic, barking dogs... "What has happened to us?!?" Karen exclaimed, "We're turned into...MOMS!"
Mistakes Were Made
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
I have a feeling I've griped about this in one or more previous blogs...
There's a small framed photograph from one of my favorite websites on the shelf behind my desk:
"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."
I am hoping that this recent string of poor decisions does not culminate in catastrophic failure this weekend at my biggest ride of the spring season... Last weekend I opted out of my 50-mi event after "only" 25 mi; in sudden-onset summer heat & humidity, my good ol' boy Champ was flagging as well as his junior jockey (Haylea's first event). We had nothing to prove & there was no point in risking Champ's health or soundness, making all parties involved miserable as we gradually slowed down as the day wore on... (We had plenty of time to "get 'er done" but it would have taken ALL DAY)
This way we could pack up & head home while we were still reasonably fresh, & I could SEE MY BOY! (they had been gone on class trip to Sea World last week; Z had been at his dad's that previous weekend so I hadn't seen him for NINE LONG DAYS)
I'm staggering around, bloated & miserable today - granted, I have made some poor choices as we've celebrated my boy's homecoming, but NOT 4 lbs' worth?!? (I'm sure it's more wacky perimenopause hormone swings) Last night I was TRYING to do something nice for myself, visiting the Korean sauna for some stress relief/detoxification, but my friend Lisa got overheated, weak/dizzy/nauseous, so I spent most of that visit caretaking her. (I gave her two salt packets & had her drink mucho agua; her doctor had recently put her on a diuretic so I should have known that would have thrown her electrolytes out of whack!)
I should take each succeeding moment as an opportunity to "do the right thing" & give up this pointless self-flagellation. Tomorrow's another day, right??
There's a small framed photograph from one of my favorite websites on the shelf behind my desk:
"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."
I am hoping that this recent string of poor decisions does not culminate in catastrophic failure this weekend at my biggest ride of the spring season... Last weekend I opted out of my 50-mi event after "only" 25 mi; in sudden-onset summer heat & humidity, my good ol' boy Champ was flagging as well as his junior jockey (Haylea's first event). We had nothing to prove & there was no point in risking Champ's health or soundness, making all parties involved miserable as we gradually slowed down as the day wore on... (We had plenty of time to "get 'er done" but it would have taken ALL DAY)
This way we could pack up & head home while we were still reasonably fresh, & I could SEE MY BOY! (they had been gone on class trip to Sea World last week; Z had been at his dad's that previous weekend so I hadn't seen him for NINE LONG DAYS)
I'm staggering around, bloated & miserable today - granted, I have made some poor choices as we've celebrated my boy's homecoming, but NOT 4 lbs' worth?!? (I'm sure it's more wacky perimenopause hormone swings) Last night I was TRYING to do something nice for myself, visiting the Korean sauna for some stress relief/detoxification, but my friend Lisa got overheated, weak/dizzy/nauseous, so I spent most of that visit caretaking her. (I gave her two salt packets & had her drink mucho agua; her doctor had recently put her on a diuretic so I should have known that would have thrown her electrolytes out of whack!)
I should take each succeeding moment as an opportunity to "do the right thing" & give up this pointless self-flagellation. Tomorrow's another day, right??
Mother's Day Musings
Sunday, May 13, 2012
(Well this is weird - when I first tried to post on home computer, it locked up... I restarted it, now it seems to be working so I'll try, try again. Let's hope it's not just a lot of fruitless typing!)
"To desire results from something, one must desire the process, not just understand that it is necessary."
I came across this pencilled note in my son's pants pocket a while back (yes, I still empty out his pockets so I don't launder notes, writing implements, or too much loose change ;-) I thought it was quite profound so I asked him where he'd seen the quote.
"Mom, I wrote it!" Pretty good amateur philosophizing, son - you don't mind if I take it to heart, do you? Because here I sit at the end of my Spring Challenge, right back where I started from. I've failed the last couple of rides I've attempted, I seem to take every excuse to deviate from dietary plan - I can list my excuses in no particular order - the only consistency in my life seems to be my exercise program... I am doing SOMETHING (even if time is short on many days) practically every day of the week.
"It's always something" - to quote dearly beloved Gilda Radner:
1.) Special occasion (my BD, dad's BD, Easter)
2.) Stress & aggravation (see any entries related to Ex)
3.) Excessive heat/tired junior rider/tiring horse/running out of time
4.) The Hell w/Everything (I want a cookie)
Oh well, the only thing I can do is pick up & carry on - I planned to speculate further on How My Life Got to What Feels Like This Unmanageable Stage, but my progeny is now up (Happy Mother's Day) - he knows I'm not eating the cereal anymore, so I've got to show him how to cook bacon & eggs...
Hope all my SparkFriends have a great mini-holiday.
"To desire results from something, one must desire the process, not just understand that it is necessary."
I came across this pencilled note in my son's pants pocket a while back (yes, I still empty out his pockets so I don't launder notes, writing implements, or too much loose change ;-) I thought it was quite profound so I asked him where he'd seen the quote.
"Mom, I wrote it!" Pretty good amateur philosophizing, son - you don't mind if I take it to heart, do you? Because here I sit at the end of my Spring Challenge, right back where I started from. I've failed the last couple of rides I've attempted, I seem to take every excuse to deviate from dietary plan - I can list my excuses in no particular order - the only consistency in my life seems to be my exercise program... I am doing SOMETHING (even if time is short on many days) practically every day of the week.
"It's always something" - to quote dearly beloved Gilda Radner:
1.) Special occasion (my BD, dad's BD, Easter)
2.) Stress & aggravation (see any entries related to Ex)
3.) Excessive heat/tired junior rider/tiring horse/running out of time
4.) The Hell w/Everything (I want a cookie)
Oh well, the only thing I can do is pick up & carry on - I planned to speculate further on How My Life Got to What Feels Like This Unmanageable Stage, but my progeny is now up (Happy Mother's Day) - he knows I'm not eating the cereal anymore, so I've got to show him how to cook bacon & eggs...
Hope all my SparkFriends have a great mini-holiday.
Equi*Librium
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Well folks I'm takin' what I can get here, so I count it as an unequivocal "WIN" that I have maintained an even keel for the 2nd week running on my good ol' (favorably inclined) gym scales. Both this Fri & the one before, I was 213.0 even.
(another minor victory is breaking my slavish dependence on the scales, not that jumping off & on 'em was doing me the slightest bit of good, other than driving me stark raving MAD!)
"This Is It", indeed, so I'm doing my best to live in the PRESENT, not looking forward to that far-off mythical day when the scales read "XXX". (when I initially joined SP, I had set a goal of 180, but even my more realistic goal of getting back into Onederland seems unattainable given my current state of mind)
I wish I could brush off ye olde crystal ball & figure out what the next few months will hold... I've been see-sawing like mad on the big child support question: open negotiations w/Ex now, later, or simply drop that time bomb in the AG's lap?? I can guarantee he WON'T take it well no matter HOW I choose to handle it. Val will be that vindictive money-grubbing (rhymes w/witch) - as I've mentioned in the past, he's ALREADY acting as if the few hundred $$$ he sends goes straight to subsidizing my truck & horse trailer, stupid a$$ that he is! (it's already a family joke, just a not-so-funny one: I've given up mentioning this or that to him - Z's Sea World trip most recently - bcz it's certain M will reply "Take it out of my child support!" Talk about some creative accounting/deficit spending my friends!)
These financial worries are creating ripples of marital discord: after all, P hears me fretting about these momentous decisions I must make; is it too big a stretch to expect him to offer to take up some slack?!?!? Apparently so, that's my British tightwad!
We spent this afternoon - no, WASTED this afternoon mattress-shopping... I had warned P we needed to change things up, if I didn't start sleeping better I might slit my miserable wrists (ahem). Wound up that we "compromised" on a new "cooling" mattress topper, yet we also brought home a new recliner for P?!?!? Well, it WAS on sale!
Our Tempur-pedic is great in cold weather (when dear P isn't snoring), but in warm weather it becomes a "heat sink", reflecting back my body heat & leaving me a limp noodle in a puddle of my own sweat... Let's hope this helps, SparkFriends, or even MORE desperate times lie ahead!
(another minor victory is breaking my slavish dependence on the scales, not that jumping off & on 'em was doing me the slightest bit of good, other than driving me stark raving MAD!)
"This Is It", indeed, so I'm doing my best to live in the PRESENT, not looking forward to that far-off mythical day when the scales read "XXX". (when I initially joined SP, I had set a goal of 180, but even my more realistic goal of getting back into Onederland seems unattainable given my current state of mind)
I wish I could brush off ye olde crystal ball & figure out what the next few months will hold... I've been see-sawing like mad on the big child support question: open negotiations w/Ex now, later, or simply drop that time bomb in the AG's lap?? I can guarantee he WON'T take it well no matter HOW I choose to handle it. Val will be that vindictive money-grubbing (rhymes w/witch) - as I've mentioned in the past, he's ALREADY acting as if the few hundred $$$ he sends goes straight to subsidizing my truck & horse trailer, stupid a$$ that he is! (it's already a family joke, just a not-so-funny one: I've given up mentioning this or that to him - Z's Sea World trip most recently - bcz it's certain M will reply "Take it out of my child support!" Talk about some creative accounting/deficit spending my friends!)
These financial worries are creating ripples of marital discord: after all, P hears me fretting about these momentous decisions I must make; is it too big a stretch to expect him to offer to take up some slack?!?!? Apparently so, that's my British tightwad!
We spent this afternoon - no, WASTED this afternoon mattress-shopping... I had warned P we needed to change things up, if I didn't start sleeping better I might slit my miserable wrists (ahem). Wound up that we "compromised" on a new "cooling" mattress topper, yet we also brought home a new recliner for P?!?!? Well, it WAS on sale!
Our Tempur-pedic is great in cold weather (when dear P isn't snoring), but in warm weather it becomes a "heat sink", reflecting back my body heat & leaving me a limp noodle in a puddle of my own sweat... Let's hope this helps, SparkFriends, or even MORE desperate times lie ahead!
Dark Evening of the Soul
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Is this how my mother felt in her cyclic episodes of desperate sorrow??
NOW you've done it, you've locked yourself into THIS life, there is no escape... Your child doesn't provide the ecstatic relief promoted by the megatheocorporatocracy (I only WISH I had coined this term, but it's from one of my favorite radical blogs:
blog.iblamethepatriarchy
.com/
Twisty puts into wonderfully descriptive words The Facts of The Matter when so many of us would rather soldier on in blissful ignorance... Be forewarned, it's like taking the Red Pill instead of the Blue one.
Tonight, utterly exhausted after ANOTHER crappy night's sleep, followed by a hellaciously busy day at work, I am so jaded & cynical I can hardly stand to stay in the same room w/myself! A few minutes of yoga did seem to help - although most of all it exhibited the pronounced difference in flexibility between my R & L hips: R hip, not so bad/L hip, oh crap!
But tomorrow, as they say, is another day, so I'm hoping for a few hrs' rest to improve my mental attitude. (I fear I have set foot on a different kind of endurance course - last night we were out late, attending the Freshman Parents Mtg followed by an hour & 45 min of Freshman Football indoctrination! 7 AM practices = 4:45 AM alarm bells for Mom. It won't be any picnic for Z either - I'll be able to let him 'sleep in' until 5:30 but that's a damnably early bedtime when we're struggling almost every night to have lights out at 9:30! I went ahead & signed off on the forms, but if this starts to wear me down too badly - too bad, so sad my son!)
"You can't always get what you want", indeed!
But I have to preserve my OWN health A.) so I can keep working to pay for this circus (after a horrendous day like this one, I have my doubts), and B.) successfully continue shepherding my boy into adulthood. I've fought too hard for too long to lose the last precious years of my son's childhood... & no, that's not melodrama! At times I truly understand why my former MIL sent Ex away during HIS HS years to live w/his bio-dad. I cannot discern whether it's "nature or nurture" since Z has spent so much time w/dear ol' dad; he's so much like him at times I don't know whether to laugh or SCREAM in horror!
The joke's on you.
NOW you've done it, you've locked yourself into THIS life, there is no escape... Your child doesn't provide the ecstatic relief promoted by the megatheocorporatocracy (I only WISH I had coined this term, but it's from one of my favorite radical blogs:
blog.iblamethepatriarchy
.com/
Twisty puts into wonderfully descriptive words The Facts of The Matter when so many of us would rather soldier on in blissful ignorance... Be forewarned, it's like taking the Red Pill instead of the Blue one.
Tonight, utterly exhausted after ANOTHER crappy night's sleep, followed by a hellaciously busy day at work, I am so jaded & cynical I can hardly stand to stay in the same room w/myself! A few minutes of yoga did seem to help - although most of all it exhibited the pronounced difference in flexibility between my R & L hips: R hip, not so bad/L hip, oh crap!
But tomorrow, as they say, is another day, so I'm hoping for a few hrs' rest to improve my mental attitude. (I fear I have set foot on a different kind of endurance course - last night we were out late, attending the Freshman Parents Mtg followed by an hour & 45 min of Freshman Football indoctrination! 7 AM practices = 4:45 AM alarm bells for Mom. It won't be any picnic for Z either - I'll be able to let him 'sleep in' until 5:30 but that's a damnably early bedtime when we're struggling almost every night to have lights out at 9:30! I went ahead & signed off on the forms, but if this starts to wear me down too badly - too bad, so sad my son!)
"You can't always get what you want", indeed!
But I have to preserve my OWN health A.) so I can keep working to pay for this circus (after a horrendous day like this one, I have my doubts), and B.) successfully continue shepherding my boy into adulthood. I've fought too hard for too long to lose the last precious years of my son's childhood... & no, that's not melodrama! At times I truly understand why my former MIL sent Ex away during HIS HS years to live w/his bio-dad. I cannot discern whether it's "nature or nurture" since Z has spent so much time w/dear ol' dad; he's so much like him at times I don't know whether to laugh or SCREAM in horror!
The joke's on you.
What Kind of Fool Am I?
Monday, May 28, 2012
(I should put a more optimistic title up there, but this is what popped into my head)
It's actually been a nice relaxing weekend, visiting my old buddy & her husband down here on the coast... Z adores Charles, & I figure Z needs all the (+) male role models that he can get! He has already extracted my promise that he can come back during his "dead week" (1st wk in Aug) when he WON'T have football practice. I'm not fool enough to turn down extra beach time, since I already decided at the moment I pulled on my Ozark Trail ride (5/05; need to update my SparkPage w/another FAILURE :-( that I wouldn't be hauling off to Tevis this year (I was counting that ride as my pilot program).
My friend Janis, in her usual blunt fashion, has advised me to get off the pot & file w/TX Atty Gen on Ex & the back child support, also bringing current levels up to "normal" as I brace myself for those big stout tuition pmts from HS (commencing next month, ouch!) She's right, of course - M isn't going to play fair no matter WHICH way I try to finesse it, I just hope he isn't too hard on Z in that ol' sh!t-rollin'-downhill, kicking-the-dog kinda way...
(Aha, she's up! so I'll go downstairs for a little more visitin'; planning on packing up our scattered stuff & heading back around mid-morning. Hubby's been calling twice daily so obviously he misses us :-)
It's actually been a nice relaxing weekend, visiting my old buddy & her husband down here on the coast... Z adores Charles, & I figure Z needs all the (+) male role models that he can get! He has already extracted my promise that he can come back during his "dead week" (1st wk in Aug) when he WON'T have football practice. I'm not fool enough to turn down extra beach time, since I already decided at the moment I pulled on my Ozark Trail ride (5/05; need to update my SparkPage w/another FAILURE :-( that I wouldn't be hauling off to Tevis this year (I was counting that ride as my pilot program).
My friend Janis, in her usual blunt fashion, has advised me to get off the pot & file w/TX Atty Gen on Ex & the back child support, also bringing current levels up to "normal" as I brace myself for those big stout tuition pmts from HS (commencing next month, ouch!) She's right, of course - M isn't going to play fair no matter WHICH way I try to finesse it, I just hope he isn't too hard on Z in that ol' sh!t-rollin'-downhill, kicking-the-dog kinda way...
(Aha, she's up! so I'll go downstairs for a little more visitin'; planning on packing up our scattered stuff & heading back around mid-morning. Hubby's been calling twice daily so obviously he misses us :-)
Forging Onward
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Being a water-lover at heart, one of my favorite activities on the rare opportunities I have to swim** is to float in the deep end, treading water while letting it support me (fortunately I have always been quite buoyant ;-) - these past few years, even more so! I will tilt my head back luxuriously, sweeping my arms out wide. Even the thought of it is profound relaxation to me...
**Hubby & I have had an on-again, off-again debate: while I would LOVE to invest in a pool, I understand the big commitments of time/space & MONEY - not just the initial cost of the installation, but ongoing, continuous maintenance. (Cue my jokes about the pool boy - hey, if Hubby doesn't want to volunteer, why shouldn't I hire a stand-in?!?)
For the time being, I acquiesce, esp w/dramatic budgetary shifts necessary to accommodate high school plans of my boy... This week, he started football camp: my responsibility for the next 3 wks, but his father has pledged to take him during his period of summer visitation.
My new routine is dedicated to eating "a salad per day" - so far, I have a 5-d streak going, unprecedented for yours truly! But I waddled home from our Memorial Day weekend visit, only 2 lbs heavier but so bloated & miserable that I FELT 20 lbs heavier... Could not wear the gray pantsuit to my boy's graduation (can I brag here about top-male-student awards in Math, English, & Spanish?), so I settled for a blousy, unflattering gypsy-style skirt & blouse look. Both the opportunity as well as the urge to exercise fortunately coincided yesterday, so I could knock out a slow 3 mi on the gym TM - it went surprisingly well, considering I'd had a 9-d hiatus.
It seems I have no further time to expound on summertime theories, or even to fill you in on latest idiocy from my ex, but I've been dictating voice memos to myself so I WON'T forget!
Tally ho!
**Hubby & I have had an on-again, off-again debate: while I would LOVE to invest in a pool, I understand the big commitments of time/space & MONEY - not just the initial cost of the installation, but ongoing, continuous maintenance. (Cue my jokes about the pool boy - hey, if Hubby doesn't want to volunteer, why shouldn't I hire a stand-in?!?)
For the time being, I acquiesce, esp w/dramatic budgetary shifts necessary to accommodate high school plans of my boy... This week, he started football camp: my responsibility for the next 3 wks, but his father has pledged to take him during his period of summer visitation.
My new routine is dedicated to eating "a salad per day" - so far, I have a 5-d streak going, unprecedented for yours truly! But I waddled home from our Memorial Day weekend visit, only 2 lbs heavier but so bloated & miserable that I FELT 20 lbs heavier... Could not wear the gray pantsuit to my boy's graduation (can I brag here about top-male-student awards in Math, English, & Spanish?), so I settled for a blousy, unflattering gypsy-style skirt & blouse look. Both the opportunity as well as the urge to exercise fortunately coincided yesterday, so I could knock out a slow 3 mi on the gym TM - it went surprisingly well, considering I'd had a 9-d hiatus.
It seems I have no further time to expound on summertime theories, or even to fill you in on latest idiocy from my ex, but I've been dictating voice memos to myself so I WON'T forget!
Tally ho!
Nose Above Water (Barely)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Tragedy struck several families in our area (one of whom we know personally through school/church) when there was a calamitous THREE drownings in one day last Sat in our local area lakes...
I have made several attempts to start a blog post, but another cyber-friend described it better: "I want to write blog posts, but, by the time I have a few minutes to myself to write, gathering and organizing my thoughts is as impossible as using my hands to catch hold of running water. "
thescoopblog.dallasnews.
com/2012/06/father-saving-
children-one-of-two-possib
le-drownings-in-separate-i
ncidents-at-joe-pool-lake.html/
The drowning metaphor strikes very close to home; I took my son, his friend, and the daughter of another friend up to Possum Kingdom Lake last weekend to celebrate Z's 14th BD, where I had my own close call...
We had rented a ski boat, spent most of the day happily tearing around on the lake, but later in the afternoon we headed up towards the N end of the lake (where timber is thicker); I hit a submerged tree, damaged the propeller, & we were dead in the water. The boys were killing time by swimming as we waited for rescue, but Josef was struggling in the choppy water & drifting too far away from the boat for my comfort.
I was standing there watching Josef struggle towards the boat - had to get MY boy back on board so I only had to worry about ONE at a time, then decided to swim out & give him some coaching & encouragement. At least I knew the lake was too choppy for me to try to tow him in; he'd have pulled me down for sure!
But then I found myself struggling, still 40 or 50 yards away from the boat. (Yeah, the boys were in life jackets, but me, "Ms Floats-a-lot", wasn't) Now Z was the one standing anxiously on the stern watching me flounder along after hauling Josef in - I damn sure didn't want to perpetuate this fiasco by having him plunge back in to try to save ME! Fortunately all the while, we were drifting closer & closer to shore, so when I took a quick breather to tread water, I found my toes trailing the bottom.
It would have been a sad commentary for me to have survived thyroid carcinoma all these years, only to drown due to an onslaught of poor judgement...
All's well that ends well, I guess.
I have made several attempts to start a blog post, but another cyber-friend described it better: "I want to write blog posts, but, by the time I have a few minutes to myself to write, gathering and organizing my thoughts is as impossible as using my hands to catch hold of running water. "
thescoopblog.dallasnews.
com/2012/06/father-saving-
children-one-of-two-possib
le-drownings-in-separate-i
ncidents-at-joe-pool-lake.html/
The drowning metaphor strikes very close to home; I took my son, his friend, and the daughter of another friend up to Possum Kingdom Lake last weekend to celebrate Z's 14th BD, where I had my own close call...
We had rented a ski boat, spent most of the day happily tearing around on the lake, but later in the afternoon we headed up towards the N end of the lake (where timber is thicker); I hit a submerged tree, damaged the propeller, & we were dead in the water. The boys were killing time by swimming as we waited for rescue, but Josef was struggling in the choppy water & drifting too far away from the boat for my comfort.
I was standing there watching Josef struggle towards the boat - had to get MY boy back on board so I only had to worry about ONE at a time, then decided to swim out & give him some coaching & encouragement. At least I knew the lake was too choppy for me to try to tow him in; he'd have pulled me down for sure!
But then I found myself struggling, still 40 or 50 yards away from the boat. (Yeah, the boys were in life jackets, but me, "Ms Floats-a-lot", wasn't) Now Z was the one standing anxiously on the stern watching me flounder along after hauling Josef in - I damn sure didn't want to perpetuate this fiasco by having him plunge back in to try to save ME! Fortunately all the while, we were drifting closer & closer to shore, so when I took a quick breather to tread water, I found my toes trailing the bottom.
It would have been a sad commentary for me to have survived thyroid carcinoma all these years, only to drown due to an onslaught of poor judgement...
All's well that ends well, I guess.
A Good Ride Report
Saturday, June 23, 2012
"There will come a time
when you believe
everything
is finished.
That will be
the beginning."
- Louis L'Amour
I was beginning to have serious self-doubts after racking up failures at my last two rides: Rider Option (aka the horse has veterinary clearance to continue, but innumerable other factors - trail conditions, ill-being of the rider, time constraints - may contribute to the rider's decision to "opt out") taken at our Bluebonnet ride 4/28 after 25 mi (too bad I had signed us up for a 50!), and the very next weekend at the awesome Ozark Trail ride after 50 mi (nothing to sneeze at but then again, too bad I had signed up for the 75!)
I had plenty of excuses for both these failures: conditions were unseasonably hot & humid at both these events, even more pronounced in Missouri w/a heat index around 117... Good ol' Champ was tiring at Bluebonnet - he was underconditioned & his junior passenger Haylea (my groomer's 13 yr old stepdaughter) was fatigued as well - this being the longest distance she had ever ridden in her short life! We didn't have anything to prove, so I went ahead & pulled Baraq & I also - that way I could also get home a few hours earlier & see MY boy upon his return from his 8th grade class Sea World trip...(He'd been gone all week)
I hauled to Missouri w/low confidence - a beautiful well-organized event that only drew 10 hardy riders. Between the tough trail & intense "summertime" heat, all of us were chewed up & spit out - NO ONE finished! (I have attended a few rides w/horrendous completion rates over the years, but this was my first w/ZERO completions!) So I didn't feel bad at all about this one; we were in excellent company.
It's hard to explain what a THRILL it was, to successfully complete our first 50 in 3 months at last weekend's Llano Estacado ride, in the beautiful arid semi-desert of the Texas Panhandle. A tough event which I hadn't attended in recent years: these past several years it had conflicted w/Father's Day weekend (which it did again this year [ahem]; Bad Daughter!). Prior to that, it inevitably seemed to conflict w/our State Veterinary Convention... My last attempt to conquer these trails was in '08 which turned out to be Quig's unofficial retirement party. But who can forget sweet Midge toting my freight in '07? A well-known & loved ride like this is always a melange of memories, new & old...
Once again, Just Getting There was complicated - I ordinarily swing by & pick up my pal Cheese, but my local riding pard Lucy had invited herself - w/diesel averaging $3.69/gal how could I reasonably refuse an offer from someone to chip in?!? That meant my horse compartment was full, between Baraq, Alex, & Lucy's gelding Walor... (I just KNEW I should have gotten a 4-horse trailer!) Surely it wouldn't be THAT challenging to secure Cheese's mare a trailer ride for the short hop from just S of Amarillo to Lake Meredith?!? Well, folks, let's just say it was a close call, but we DID make it happen, & we had the unprecedented pleasure of enjoying 100% completion amongst our merry band (Cheese, Haylea, Lucy, & myself). Even more amazing was the fact that Haylea had not had a chance to ride Alex, but she cowgirl'd up & rode like a champion; never a word of complaint for the whole livelong (very HOT) day!
The only dark spot on my horizon was the She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named's odious presence, but you can't have everything, can ya? At least I consoled myself by thinking of the fact that at least Z wouldn't have to deal w/her; he would truly have a Father's Day weekend w/only his father & stepbrother. It was greatly amusing to watch her fleeing before us on that first loop - we kept the pressure on her until the heat sensibly slowed us down.
Another day of excellent riding, racking up more good memories.
when you believe
everything
is finished.
That will be
the beginning."
- Louis L'Amour
I was beginning to have serious self-doubts after racking up failures at my last two rides: Rider Option (aka the horse has veterinary clearance to continue, but innumerable other factors - trail conditions, ill-being of the rider, time constraints - may contribute to the rider's decision to "opt out") taken at our Bluebonnet ride 4/28 after 25 mi (too bad I had signed us up for a 50!), and the very next weekend at the awesome Ozark Trail ride after 50 mi (nothing to sneeze at but then again, too bad I had signed up for the 75!)
I had plenty of excuses for both these failures: conditions were unseasonably hot & humid at both these events, even more pronounced in Missouri w/a heat index around 117... Good ol' Champ was tiring at Bluebonnet - he was underconditioned & his junior passenger Haylea (my groomer's 13 yr old stepdaughter) was fatigued as well - this being the longest distance she had ever ridden in her short life! We didn't have anything to prove, so I went ahead & pulled Baraq & I also - that way I could also get home a few hours earlier & see MY boy upon his return from his 8th grade class Sea World trip...(He'd been gone all week)
I hauled to Missouri w/low confidence - a beautiful well-organized event that only drew 10 hardy riders. Between the tough trail & intense "summertime" heat, all of us were chewed up & spit out - NO ONE finished! (I have attended a few rides w/horrendous completion rates over the years, but this was my first w/ZERO completions!) So I didn't feel bad at all about this one; we were in excellent company.
It's hard to explain what a THRILL it was, to successfully complete our first 50 in 3 months at last weekend's Llano Estacado ride, in the beautiful arid semi-desert of the Texas Panhandle. A tough event which I hadn't attended in recent years: these past several years it had conflicted w/Father's Day weekend (which it did again this year [ahem]; Bad Daughter!). Prior to that, it inevitably seemed to conflict w/our State Veterinary Convention... My last attempt to conquer these trails was in '08 which turned out to be Quig's unofficial retirement party. But who can forget sweet Midge toting my freight in '07? A well-known & loved ride like this is always a melange of memories, new & old...
Once again, Just Getting There was complicated - I ordinarily swing by & pick up my pal Cheese, but my local riding pard Lucy had invited herself - w/diesel averaging $3.69/gal how could I reasonably refuse an offer from someone to chip in?!? That meant my horse compartment was full, between Baraq, Alex, & Lucy's gelding Walor... (I just KNEW I should have gotten a 4-horse trailer!) Surely it wouldn't be THAT challenging to secure Cheese's mare a trailer ride for the short hop from just S of Amarillo to Lake Meredith?!? Well, folks, let's just say it was a close call, but we DID make it happen, & we had the unprecedented pleasure of enjoying 100% completion amongst our merry band (Cheese, Haylea, Lucy, & myself). Even more amazing was the fact that Haylea had not had a chance to ride Alex, but she cowgirl'd up & rode like a champion; never a word of complaint for the whole livelong (very HOT) day!
The only dark spot on my horizon was the She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named's odious presence, but you can't have everything, can ya? At least I consoled myself by thinking of the fact that at least Z wouldn't have to deal w/her; he would truly have a Father's Day weekend w/only his father & stepbrother. It was greatly amusing to watch her fleeing before us on that first loop - we kept the pressure on her until the heat sensibly slowed us down.
Another day of excellent riding, racking up more good memories.
