(Started to type “Endings”, but even as rotten as I’m feeling these days, I think I am years away from that clearing at the end of the path)
I do need to sit down in a meditative stance - for me these days, that’s in the recliner with my lap full of little dogs! - and think seriously about what the hell I am doing here? While I keep on setting these micro-mini goals for myself: Z & V’s wedding, upcoming rides - on a day-to-day basis, it’s a struggle & I must admit, I’m not enjoying this phase of my life. Chronic illness is a B*I*T*C*H as I stagger around with worsening shortness of breath. I went ahead & made an appointment at MD Anderson after a 10-yr boycott, bcz they're the only place w/a comprehensive care team where I feel as if I might get some answers (even if they're unfavorable ones)
I’ve contracted with one of these tax abatement attorneys - finally got a huge batch of paperwork together & mailed it in yesterday. Let’s hope I can at least break even on this deal, but I’ve got to get out from under this suffocating feeling of failure - not to mention the fact I don’t want the IRS to start levying liens on my properties! This whole disastrous eminent-domain/relocation nightmare has almost demolished me but I’ve gotta find a way to crawl back to some semblance of what I thought my own version of “All Creatures Great & Small” might be…
Army Guy asked me what I might do differently in my life? I told him I couldn’t go down that path -second-guessing oneself is no way to live! Exact quote:
“Thanks for the acknowledgment, but I’m still angry at myself for getting so far behind the 8-ball!!! Procrastination is probably my biggest character flaw & I’m also real bad at second-guessing & what-iffing myself - “If only I had done X, Y or Z” but of course life doesn’t work that way. Maybe that reality is finally sinking in for me at almost 62 yrs of age!
The past cannot be changed, it can only be managed & if I hadn’t been an impulsive youngster when I married my first husband, I would never have gotten my wondrous son out of that raw deal. That long & winding road has brought me exactly here to this place in time** & I’ve got to figure out how to make the best of it…
** I don’t know how big of a sci-fi geek you are? but while Star Trek is my favorite, I’ve got to go back & re-watch Interstellar to figure out the wormholes. (A nearby theatre had a special showing last week, but the weather was still crap so I didn’t get out to see it)”
& now, like it or not, I’ve got to get on into work. Misti has already texted in sick 🤦♀️
Sometimes I say if I had it to do over again, I would have just done it better (insert: so many men, so little time). Seriously, you have it right. If I changed this or that along the way, I wouldn't be who I am or have what I have now. Warts and all, I like me. As for the people and things around me, my future is deciding what to do, not what I should have done. I'm a very forward-looking person.
ReplyDeleteThe person who can't look forward is the person who lives in misery (the Cheeto in charge, for example).
Weddings are not micro-goals! Neither is your big $$$$ nightmare. Deciding what to do with old scrap in your farm, that's a micro goal. What to pack for your trip, same.
You got this, you don't feel well. I hope you get answers and am sending good thoughts your way. Hugs.