Serious but not Dedicated

 How I miss our old SparkPeople website! I have been spending quite a bit of time on MyFitnessPal but it’s just not the same…

A friend has established her “group” there, which seems to consist of just the two of us - a few other MFP’ers have popped in, but nobody seems to hang around. It is likely that we are quite boring & neither one of us has made significant progress - but hey, maintenance counts for something, doesn’t it?!?

Watching clips of my ancient home videos makes me sad - in my 20’s & 30’s, I was about 40 lbs less than I am now, & yet I thought I was gargantuan… My stated goal when I joined SP was to get down to my pre-thyroidectomy weight, which was 175, 20 lbs less than what I am today. I’ve been stuck on this little plateau between 190-195 for almost 5 yrs now - “serious but not dedicated” is how my friend described us; that hit me like a cold bucket of water! The truth hurts & all that…

I did go to visit my mother yesterday, timing it just right with our tray of cookies as they were finishing up lunch! Yes, she knew me & yes, she seemed pleased to see me (no recriminations, she seems to be past those emotions) but she was incapable of carrying on conversation, & after less than an hour of my monologue of current events, she grew restive - fiddling with ribbons on her wheelchair & finally trying to pick debris off one of the wheels until I asked her to please stop, she was going to hurt herself… She’s  maneuvering quite well now, pulling herself along with her feet in her wheelchair. She escorted us to the elevator & that was that. I had taken her a new pack of cushy socks that she seemed to like, & a couple of Christmas decorations for her room. Merry Effin’ Christmas, as we like to exclaim to one another!

Symptom Checker

 Thanksgiving weekend was fairly miserable for me from a mental health standpoint - outside of the minor dopamine hit of “doing what I’d said I would do” as far as making all my side dishes & transporting them to Irving. It felt like the pilgrimage of the Magi, only bearing food instead of frankincense & myrrh! Cornbread dressing, deviled eggs, spicy Chex mix, apple & pecan pies… (both the pies were store-bought so it isn’t as if I could take any particular credit for labor)

But boy oh boy, talk about Black Friday - that described my mood to a T!!! The weather was chilly but beautiful on Friday, but when I can’t even roust myself to go for a ride, that tells you how deep & dark my depression is…

Part of it may be my prolonged recovery from my fall (aka “home bone density test”) - my right ankle remains edematous, stiff & painful as is my R hand, although I’m still walking & reasonably functional - I don’t think I’ve broken or torn anything. It must be some lymphatic damage; I’m using my vibration plate in small doses to try to stimulate healing. (I ought to be standing on it right now, but instead I’m sitting in the recliner with little dogs on my lap - they are also a healing force!) A bonus injury was discovered as the lower medial quadrant of my L breast has turned the lovely colors of deep bruising - obviously I mashed her up on the staircase, but didn’t notice at the time with my other injuries distracting me…

I continue to avoid visiting my mother; I just haven’t been able to face it since her birthday which, God help me, was 10 weeks ago. “No news is good news” I suppose. And, speaking of estranged mothers & daughters, my cousin Gina just moved back to Texas after living in California for the past 15 yrs or so. Her parents are my “surrogate brother” Clifford (my dad’s big sister’s middle son, his favorite nephew) & his wife Marilyn - Marilyn almost died after giving birth to Gina & favoritism towards her elder sister was always apparent. I also got a low-key “gaydar” vibe from Gina, which would not go over well in that fundamentalist branch of our family, so I completely understood her reasons for moving away.

I don’t know if she’s returned because of her mother’s terminal illness, economic pressures or what - of course, it’s none of my effin’ business!