“Relentless”

 “Way back when”, very early on in my blogging exploits, a cyber-friend described me as “relentless”, a description I found flattering at the time! Here lately I have been listening to podcasts during drive time, which seems to be a better use of my precious irreplaceable hours left on this earth than just listening to pop music. A favorite show is “The Rest is History”, 2 British dudes dissecting various topics - & here lately they’ve been going through the life & career of Admiral Horatio Nelson, he of the Battle of Trafalgar fame. Peran has an old framed poster celebrating Nelson which I suppose he bought on sale or something as part of a framed set, since I’ve never heard P mention any historical topics whatsoever! I can’t even get him to watch Ken Burns documentaries…

At any rate, I did a quick search to see if I have mentioned the latest drama (which I have not) - when I searched for cardiomyopathy, I pulled up my entry in the aftermath of dear Ken’s funeral 2 yrs ago: https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/search?q=Cardiomyopathy+

Poor Tony has struggled w/heat intolerance & distressing spells of a racing heartbeat - he went to the cardiologist this week & must return next week for an echocardiogram to confirm a possible diagnosis of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy! Again, Val is dismayed at the fragmented nature of our so-called healthcare system which more & more seems to be a system of seeing specialists who throw various medications at your symptoms instead of looking at the whole picture. Tony quit riding with me as a teenager when he was diagnosed with epilepsy - needless to say, he won’t be riding with me for a while until we get this sorted out… I continue to be troubled by my own weakness with shortness of breath, but I think it’s obviously something I’ll just have to live with - my last scans showed evidence of COPD: between Covid & 2 rounds of radiation therapy, that damage has caught up to me.

Step-SIL Lisa-in-CO sent me a thick packet of photos which must’ve been Phu’s - I will try to post a few later. I look forward to passing the duplicates along to Z. Long-awaited thunderstorms rolled in last night, but if we have some dry time this weekend, tentative plans are to get Victoria mounted up on Silas.

Moonie’s MRI provided bad news about his poor crippled front feet (navicular disease), but more tentative plans are to proceed with surgery “one foot at a time” on Monday. How I miss My Pretty Pony!

Me & MSG

 Sometimes, I seem to be the best at finding new & creative ways to poison myself?!? The only successful way I got myself below 200 lbs (& stayed there!) 15 yrs ago was through a modified low-carb diet &  I’ve been trying to “clean up my act” ever since… I’ve cycled through Paleo, primal, & semi-carnivore - these days I’m trying to adhere to “whole foods”, although I admit I fall off the wagon quite frequently… I’ve been stuck around this 190-lb threshold for about 3 yrs now - I know nothing significant will change unless I make (more) significant changes in diet & exercise patterns. But damn, it’s hard to sacrifice the immediate rewards of chips & salsa when I survey even the relatively recent census of  “Memento Mori”: dear Charles (it still hits me like a physical blow when I realize I can no longer call him for a quick laugh/venting session), neighbor Terri (with whom I only got to ride on one precious occasion as I drive by & see her good horse “outstanding in the field”), Frenemy Mine’s husband (his daughter just posted a plaintive “six months gone” IG post), & the most recent loss, my ex-husband’s beloved Vietnamese stepmother, Grandma Phu. (I will try to sketch some more “convoluted family history” later; as much for Zach’s sake as my own clarity) Granted, she was 88 yrs old so it wasn’t as if this was a complete shock, but I’m disappointed that we didn’t get back for another visit. Her daughter just sent me a thick packet of old photos - I’ll try to figure out how to post a few of them…

So I had picked up a few comfort foods at Costco last week - for dinner Tuesday night I heated up the Zuppa Toscana sausage & potato soup. It is advertised as gluten-free, so I don’t know if it was just the excess sodium, MSG or something else but I got up Wednesday morning & not only had I bloated up by 4 lbs, every joint in my body hurt! I fasted for most of the day, drank lots of water & the magical diuresis occurred as well as a little, ahem, diarrhea! (sorry for the TMI) - & luckily this morning I’m back down to baseline. I’m going to take my friend to the Korean sauna for a little more “detox”.

My Lap Overflows

… with 3 little dogs on my lap this morning - life doesn’t get much better than this! My mood is a roiling mixed bag of emotions: while I’m satisfied that I’ve successfully completed my mission - delivering Moonie to Lamesa, going by San Angelo State Park for an all-too-brief return visit, a safe trip home & even a bonus ride yesterday! Since we came home a day early, I got up early yesterday morning to meet the trail riders in Rusk for a beautiful day at Train Robber Ranch…

But it was a profound disappointment not to get to see my son - I had high hopes for yesterday but when he blew off all my suggestions, I knew I wasn’t going to push the issue. “A son is a son ‘till he takes a wife” I will refocus my mission on getting Victoria in the saddle this week as Z had to take another regional business trip to Tampa. (I had offered to haul his mule to Caprock Canyon last weekend so we could ride together once again) Instead I was stuck with Tony - I had an ominous feeling about his aging gelding, but he had arranged to have him shod on the front in a cost-saving measure.

We took Moonie to my colleague’s clinic where, after initial evaluation & new X-rays, we left him in their care. He will have his MRI today & then we will make the final decision if he is a candidate for navicular surgery. Tony & I then turned south to camp out at San Angelo State Park Thurs & Fri nights. Unfortunately, Tony’s gelding went lame not quite halfway through our planned ride on Friday, so Baraq & I had to loop back to get the trailer to go rescue them. I’ll try to fill in more details later!

I’ll derail the my own meanderings to insert some more wise observations from Dr Deb Johnson:

You can not change the past and you can not completely control the future, you can only do your best for right now today.  I ruined all last week because I didn’t empty out my bag at the end of every day and let things go and start the next day empty and renewed.  There are some of you that are carrying years worth of life around with you every single day and it controls you and keeps you locked in a prison of fear, let it go!  Last week is gone and done and over and I can not change anything about it, I can only change today!  Today I am going to go and work on being the best me I can and not allow last week to ruin this week to.  It is all under my control!  I might have failed last week but I don’t have to fail this week.  

Life is way too important to just keep dragging along all the yesterdays and last weeks and previous years with you!  Do the hard work to figure out what you are getting from the negative self talk and choosing to overload and overwhelm yourself and then throw it out!  Today is a new day!  Quit thinking that people are going to think less of you if you actually man up and choose to become a happier, better, kinder person by letting go of all the shit from your past!  Your best days are today!  Choose to be your best, give your best, see the best in yourself and everyone around you and you just might actually start enjoying everything about your life!  You can’t change yesterday but you can dang sure change today!

The Road Goes On Forever

 Lying here dully in my recliner, trying to get my blood moving after a rough night - unfortunately I fell back into a fitful sleep at 6 AM, which made it really hard to peel myself off the mattress…

But “peel” I must as I contemplate my long “To Do” list today. First disappointment is that Mijo signed himself up for a Warhammer tournament this weekend - he forgot or conveniently ignored all the suggestions I sent him about things we could do on this upcoming weekend. So I have shifted lanes, deciding to take poor Moonshine to my colleague in the Panhandle for a consultation about surgery for his navicular disease. It’s time to quit avoiding the reality: I’ve got him on the maximum dose of anti-inflammatory medications, yet he’s still profoundly crippled. If I can’t get him more comfortable, I’m gonna have to put him down…

Of course I will take advantage of the travel to go by San Angelo State Park & revisit those lovely trails, but while I was envisioning a revitalizing solo trip, Tony got wind of my plans & has basically invited himself along. I thought I had an easy out because his gelding was very tender-footed on the rocks we traversed last weekend at Glen Rose - but whaddaya know? he’s having the farrier out this afternoon. I wish he was this proactive about his job search!

I could’ve titled this “in for a penny, in for a pound” - a little bit of Tony goes a long way but I feel obligated because of my long friendship with his dad Rodney to play my minor part in helping show Tony a little bit of the big broad world as he (hopefully) launches himself into adulthood. I can feel the edge of Rodney’s anxiety - I felt the same way several years ago, when I honestly didn’t know if my son was ever going to make it off the launch pad to complete his college degree & make something of himself.

Last weekend's expedition - a return to the beautiful Wyatt Ranch

A FB Post courtesy of Dr Deb Johnson

I haven’t been sleeping well for the past month or two.  Those of you women who are on the top of the hill or falling down the other side can probably relate to what I am lamenting about.  Menopause messes up so much in ones body that it seems to lose its ability to get good sleep.  It is very frustrating and it makes each day a bit more difficult because after a few or more years of not getting consistent good sleep, you just struggle to have the same tenacity for the daily grind.

I love being a veterinarian and I would not trade what a I do for anything but there are times when it just feels heavier than usual. Sometimes there are reasons, cases that go bad, animals that you think should get better and they don’t, the inability to know what you need to know to save an animal, trying to be everything that everyone else needs you to be but you know that you can’t be.  Then if you throw being a business owner on top of that with 35 employees and all their struggles and their desires or lack there of and it makes one very weary sometimes.  

The past few months everything has felt heavier than usual.  Not for any one reason, just the sheer desire to be able to do what needs done, to be what everyone needs me to be, and to try and not lose myself in all of it.  If you are a veterinarian you live and work every single day in fear of upsetting someone and being turned into the veterinary board.  You feel this constant need to be perfect for everyone so you don’t get into trouble and it is impossible to know everything you need to know, so it drains you of all joy and if you aren’t careful it destroys your life.  If you want to know a huge part of the reason that veterinary medicine has become so outrageously priced, practicing to cover your ass is the second on the list!  Force people to do everything so that you can defend yourself if something happens, if something goes wrong.  It makes everyone feel bad, client and vet alike. 

You have no idea the fear that exists in every veterinarian because of this.  Animals aren’t like people and they can’t talk and they can’t tell you anything and it is impossible to know what they are feeling or where they are feeling it and yet clients and the vet board expect you to be perfect and never not know.  I would suggest that this is probably the greatest reason that people leave the profession because it is just too much to worry about day after day after day.  If you force clients to do everything so that you can defend your license, they can’t afford it and you have to kill their animal and that makes you feel like shit for killing something that you could have saved and if you try to save it by doing less and it doesn’t work out and the client gets pissed then the board disciplines you so heavily that it just doesn’t feel worth it any more.  

It is very easy to get headed down a road that leads to misery and unhappiness when one starts to dwell too much on all that could happen!  It is very easy to get depressed and upset when one chooses to worry about the potential for bad.  It is very easy to end up in a ditch on the side of life and to give up because you allowed the weight of it all to stay and you got weak and crashed.  It is very easy to get there but you don’t have to go there!  

There are no perfect veterinarians.  There are no perfect people.  We are all just humans doing our best and that has to be enough!  If you are at a spot in life where you are discouraged and everything feels heavy, stop and sit on the side of the road for a minute and choose to look for the good.  Stop the negative, what could happens, feeling sorry for yourself, and think about all the good that you do with your life.  It doesn’t matter what you do, you are doing good for someone.  Your spouse, your kids, your fellow employees, your parents, your family, your boss, your employees, your clients, there is good that you do or you wouldn’t be doing what you are doing!  You have a choice on what you choose to think about and how you choose to live each day.

We all get weary and tired and down, that is normal and it is ok.  What is not ok is allowing yourself to get stuck there!  It is a choice!  You are choosing to dwell on the ugly, the negative, the hard, the failure, the struggle instead of the good.  There is good in everything.  Even as I type this I have so many thoughts of different patients that have turned out good, clients who are kind, people who appreciate what we do.  Your mind is your greatest asset and yet so often we fail to use it for good for ourselves!   We get tired and we get weak and we start dwelling on the negative and it all gets worse, take back control and choose your road and choose happiness on that road.

Life is heavy for everyone, life is hard for everyone, life gets overwhelming.  It is not all of those things that matter but rather what you do with those things that matters.  Feel the weight, invest the time in thinking about what you did and if you can change anything to be better and then make a plan and move on!  One cannot carry with them all the failures of their life or it will crush you!  One cannot go through life and spend it worrying about all that could happen!  Instead of letting it all become too much, take a few moments, feel sorry for yourself, go through your burdens and then get rid of them and move on.  Carrying it with you only makes your life harder and that is a choice that you are making.  I will never be perfect and I will never get it right every time but I can do my best and I can do better at communicating and I can choose to find joy in what I do.  And that my friends, is the best that I can do and it is enough and it can be enough for you too! 

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(Back to Our Sponsor Val 😉)

I have decided to offer my bonus weekend as an opportunity to spend time with Mijo first & foremost - he was impressed by his brief drive-through Palo Duro Canyon  a few weeks ago - I told him I’d be happy to haul his mule so we could ride through it. And of course, there are many other places we could go to for a nice weekend of riding. He said he would check with Victoria & let me know so I could make the appropriate reservations… before I know it, February’s gonna be here - he’ll be a married man & I certainly will make no demands on his time.

The worst of my soreness has faded away - last night I kept on thinking about the good old “banana stretch” in yoga, which I didn’t have room to do in my bed squeezed between three little dogs. Stretch your arms overhead, curve your body into a C shape, crossing the inner ankle over the outer leg to make the shape of a banana -  it is an excellent stretch - felt so good this morning when I limped over to my yoga room to lie on my mat for a few minutes. I think that’s a little of the “joy” Dr. Deb was talking about

Bon Voyage

 Of course the PEM hits hardest on Day 2, but today’s gonna be ruff, my friends! While yesterday I was bragging that Twoie is so much easier on this ol’ carcass than Baraquinator, this morning I am sore “from nose to toes” - I feel like one of those unfortunate souls who have been beaten & left for dead… But I’ve taken my ibuprofen, it’ll start kicking in soon - I’ll steam myself in the shower & get moving on this fine  Monday morning. (Even P slept in this morning, he said he was “a little bit tired”)

But I gave dear Twoie a rubdown & once again, he is fantastic! - no soreness, no swelling, bright-eyed & bushy-tailed as he dug into his breakfast. Now it’s Decision Time - to haul off to Mississippi & tilt at my next windmill, or take it easy on myself by doing something closer to home? The thought even crossed my mind that I could take advantage of my upcoming 4-day weekend by doing something non-horse related like a quick beach trip…

Of course my trail riding friends are talking about their own upcoming plans as we gave JR his “Bon Voyage barbecue” last night at my friend Susie’s house. While we were in a festive mood (I don’t think we have had any official non-riding gatherings since last fall?), in many ways it had somber undertones. JR of course was looking forward to the future - talking about the mules he would buy & breed as he settles into his brother’s ranch. His estranged wife Carla showed up with their two young adult sons, Carla‘s niece & her three young kids who had a great time splashing in the pool. To me, it looked like Judas’s kiss when they embraced & settled down to socialize, but perhaps I’m just jealous over my own bitter divorce. (However, Tony commented also that it was an odd & awkward situation/presentation)

I was also bitter because the other Carla basically brushed me off & seemed to be avoiding me also - she & her husband sold JR‘s wife the piece of property on which she has built her barndominium, so maybe it is a soft “choosing of the sides”?  I own my feelings; even though it seems very middle-schoolish, I thought Carla Prime was “my” friend!?!

Time to get to work!!!

Two Strikes

 (Not a fair framing of the sitch at all, but ya can’t publish the blog entry without a title!)

After all, it is 100% my fault that Twoie & I failed to secure a completion in yesterday’s 25-mi event…

It’s hard enough trying to mentor one person, let alone two! I’ve been a little bit annoyed with Tony & the self-defeating behaviors he exhibits: two weeks ago, when we were going out for our final training ride (because last weekend was the state veterinary conference = no riding for Val!), he emerged from his house dressed head-to-toe in black, as if he were channeling Johnny Cash? Needless to say, it was not a pleasant ride for him, as temperatures are still pushing into the low 90’s. So I sent him an explicit text message telling him to wear something bright or light-colored - John the ride manager had already warned us it’s bowhunting season so I wore my blaze orange T-shirt.

My second duckling was Terry, a nice lady I met at our camp-out about 6 wks ago - a competitive trail rider who wants to cross over to endurance & see how the other half lives! When Tony & I arrived in camp Friday afternoon, she was all a-flutter because she had ridden a loop with Alice & her mare had a hard time recovering. NBD in actuality - they had been setting a faster pace than I intended to maintain. Terry took her mare back to the vet check & they pronounced her A-OK… but then just to complicate things slightly, Tony announced that he wanted to try the 25 miler too, after he spent most of the trip to camp explaining that he was only doing an Intro (one loop).

Things got off to an awkward start when Tony broke the billet on my Specialized saddle after he didn’t thread the roller buckle correctly - fortunately I had Peran’s old western saddle so we swapped tack around, all seemed well. But our pace flagged, as Terry had to stop on trail for tack adjustments, a potty break halfway, & fixing a loose boot… Tony called it quits after that first 15 mi, so then Terry & I had 2 hrs to complete 11 mi - challenging but doable. But then I allowed Terry to detour to offer the horses water from a shallow pond - I KNEW BETTER!!! I know that many of the ponds at the Grasslands are boggy and we were not that far from camp, maybe 3 miles? Sure enough, Terry’s mare bogged down & gave her an unexpected bath  - poor Twoie almost bogged down too but I had not let him go in that deep!

We wound up overtime by 12 minutes. “Another good training ride” - I am exquisitely proud of Twoie; he performed admirably & I’m sure the 3rd try will be the charm. Poor Terry apologized profusely - of course I shrugged it off & said we had to file it under that “Shit happening” folder.

This afternoon my trail riders are hosting a Bon Voyage BBQ for JR - “one more duty to perform”. I know I see in JR & Carla‘s separation a reflection of my own estrangement & that’s in large part why I’m taking it so hard. But my dear husband wouldn’t even lift his eyes from his phone screen to look at me when I was trying to tell him about our adventures, so I finally just gave up.