Recalculating

 Trying to make the best of this holiday weekend, but the weather ain’t cooperating! I “stuck with the plan” yesterday, picking up Tony to haul back to Minneola for a day ride. It rained pretty steadily for most of the day - so much for my smart phone’s “40%” predictions! 

We stopped at the DQ to kill a little time/have a quick snack, but in the end, we wound up just saddling up & riding in the rain! As I told Tony, the whole purpose of these kind of challenging rides is to make you appreciate the luxuries of life, like a hot shower & dry clothing! It was good to catch up with Tony - he had not ridden with me since our 4th of July parade; in his view it’s been “too hot”… he has completed his online radiology technician course; he now has to pass a test to be certified & then he can look for a J*O*B. Getting out of the house & being exposed to a wide spectrum of the human race will be the real learning experience for him…

I have left the trailer hitched with the remote hope that the weather might clear out & I might get in another ride this afternoon or tomorrow, maybe even with my friend Karen? I need to talk to her face-to-face about my concerns about her eldest daughter: I know there’s not much you can do to intervene w/a young adult person** & she doesn’t wanna do anything to jeopardize her relationship with her granddaughter, but Melissa‘s recent social media posts strongly indicate binge drinking if not alcoholism. “I wish I could just stay drunk forever“ seems pretty self-explanatory!

** part of my ex’s rationale for coming down so hard on Zach during his teenage experimentation phase was the fact if you really can’t do much to get treatment for someone who is technically an adult if they won’t sign themselves into a treatment program - whereas for a child, yes of course a parent can. Not that I think that was the right course of action - I would’ve held to the professional recommendations to give him a chance to flunk out of outpatient therapy before imprisoning him in an inpatient program. Perhaps it did have a valuable “scared straight” aspect,  but you would’ve thought it might’ve made an impression on Ex, knowing that his son was the only one in the whole facility who was not there as part of a plea-bargain type legal arrangement?!?

I need to go get a few minor household chores taken care of - moping around that I’m not getting to enjoy trail riding like a small group of my friends who trekked up to Colorado for Labor Day weekend is counterproductive!

Legacy & Memory

 Journaling has been a helpful mental health tool for me since I was a teenager: over the years, I’ve filled multiple notebooks; I regret in a fit of pique I burned a stack of my old ones after H1 read a few & gave me shit about it (actually used that sensitive info as a blunt-force weapon during our ongoing marital wars - he even stole a volume during our divorce & tried to present it is “evidence” that I was an unfit mother! Fortunately the judge wouldn’t allow that “evidence” to be admitted) 

I’ve got a separate blog chronicling those last couple of years of the Custody War & Zach’s tumultuous young adulthood; at some point I’ve contemplated having it printed out as I have done several other volumes of my “work”, ha ha! and gifting it to Zach… I just haven’t figured out the appropriate age? 21 was too young; at 25 he was just getting settled into grown-up life with Victoria (not to mention striving for the finish line of college) - maybe age 30?? And would it be considered a poison-pen gift? I don’t want to cause him additional trauma, above all. But as he asks questions about his father & my’s relationship, as well as my current views as he & Victoria try to navigate forging a marriage - perhaps reading my “Reports from Ground Zero” would be most helpful? It’ll certainly be something to read during his travels! 

No relationship is perfect; everyone makes compromises (duh!) - I called my “childhood boyfriend” to catch up last weekend (we never actually dated, much to my chagrin! since he is 4 yrs older than me - my godmother‘s next-to-youngest son; we were big playmates when we were young) We spoke for an hour & a half on the phone, a “mental health break” for me as anxiety has been gnawing away. His younger brother (3 months younger than me, yikes!) is suffering from early-onset dementia & a big challenge there will be convincing his wife to seek appropriate care for him in their isolated location in SW Texas… As always, “it’s complicated” as I need to fill in a lot of backstory to make it all makes sense!

(Warning: long superfluous backstory here, so you may want to skip to next paragraph!)

My godparents, being good, observant Catholics, had six children. My godmother & Mom  were BFFs since junior high - both got married shortly after HS graduation, but JoPat got quite the head start - having 5 kids before my mom managed to retain her pregnancy with me! I am 3 months older than Paul, but it took me a while to catch up, being a premature infant & all, so my mom delighted in taking out her “twins”, much to my godmother’s chagrin!

Everyone thought Paul & I would end up together, but I guess we had too much familial closeness during our upbringing - Eeew! It would’ve been like kissing your brother for real! I had my romantic sights set on  Paul’s older brother Chris, but with our 4-yr age gap, by the time I joined him in high school, Chris already had a girlfriend - alas! The years passed, Chris married Paula, I married Michael & of course we diverged in our own lives’ directions, touching base briefly at such family events as other weddings, our parents’ 50th anniversaries, then the steady progression of funerals. I can’t help but imagine one of these “paths not taken”…

Full Spectrum

 At least I can still appreciate the glimpse of my little farmhouse in the early morning sun - it is certainly fetching! (& from a distance you don’t notice the faded paint, the chipped siding, or the rotted handrail on the porch - more things on Val’s To Do list, or more accurately, “To Manage” since I certainly won’t be up there slinging paint or doing carpentry!)

I have stayed in my DVM single-mom’s group mostly out of inertia, although I’d like to think I can still offer commiseration & useful advice here & there. Not to mention the “rubbernecker effect”:  “There but by the grace of God go I” - I do appreciate the fact that I was divorced almost 26 years ago, before social media was such a thing. All I got busted for was writing things in my blog decades ago…

My former SIL tells me that my ex was diagnosed with Stage 3 melanoma after he had a “wart” taken off the back of his neck. My mind immediately goes to my frenemy who lost her husband a few months ago from the same damn thing: he didn’t follow up on his melanoma which took about 3 yrs before it metastasized to his liver & took him down. (I almost reached out to K last month to see if she wanted to join us on our little unofficial campout in Fort Stanton, but in the end I left it alone)

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/2025/04/i-keep-dawdling-around-distracting.html

Anyway, in my FB group & elsewhere, it seems like everybody is “on the spectrum” to some degree or another, which from my POV seems to be a way to justify a hell of a lot of bad behavior - obviously I’m just getting to be a cranky old woman! Maybe I’m obtuse myself & I’m reading too much into another friend who seems to be avoiding me when I couldn’t get to her farm call on her schedule (her horses were due at the end of July - I explained vaccines don’t sour like milk; when I called her last week to see about coming out, she had already made other arrangements) I extended what to me seemed like another olive branch, inviting her to ride with me yesterday, but she was preoccupied elsewhere. I am reminded of the old Ann Landers quote: “What other people think of me is none of my business”

The upside is, I took Twoie out on his first solo ride with me yesterday - he did very well, if a little low energy… that’s OK, it’s still the dog days of summer after all! 

                                     Starting from the parking lot, going out to trailhead

                                                     They recently restriped!

Pande-monium

 (Just a catchy title - it’s far from “pandemonium” around here - just in my own head, perhaps? as we have actually entered “The Ides of August”, when things temporally slow down at the veterinary clinic as the kiddos go back to school!)

But I’ve been reflecting on my not-so-ancient history as time keeps ticking on… seems as if I’ve been jumping from crisis to crisis for so long, I don’t know any other way to live? I make a lot of jokes to myself as well as to my closest friends about how badly I need to finish sawing through that gnarly umbilical cord that keeps me engaged/worried about my son & his adventures. It doesn’t help that all I hear about are the crises - one day, Zach is ready to call the whole thing off, but on the next he’s going over to her grandparents for a big family conference. Victoria had asked me about coming on the great wedding dress expedition: I told her of course I’d love to come, but the times I would available would be Wednesday afternoons, Thursdays or the weekend.

She selected her dress yesterday (Monday), texting me after the fact to say she really hoped I could come when it was time to pick up the dress in December. I reiterated that I’d love to & the days I would always be available - I’m not saying I wouldn’t bend the rules to take off on a Monday, Tuesday, or Friday afternoon if that’s when it absolutely positively had to be! So “we’ll see” - I’m not trying to be difficult but these are the facts of my life. (I had texted the kids Sunday afternoon, just to see if they wanted to catch a movie during the heat of the day - they declined because they were shopping for Victoria‘s undergarments for said wedding-dress fittings) V already selected her $800 Louboutin shoes during their “spring break” trip to the Pacific Northwest…

Back to my weirdo word-association games - in lecturing myself about NOT being the overbearing mom or MIL, I recalled the sci-fi flick which I probably exposed my son to at too-young-&-impressionable of an age: "Pandorum". (We didn't see it in the theatre - as I recall I picked it up from the Walmart discount bin, making Z probably 12'ish?) I'm a solid Dennis Quaid fan & he did a good job of portraying the existential horror of being trapped in space w/a malevolent entity... or not??

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1188729/

At least we got in a good 8-mi training ride Sunday morning before the blazing heat o' the day...

Carousel

 Whelp Tina Fea is obviously part cat, she’s on about Life 6 now… She has perked up & started eating again, which I blame on getting near the end of the bag/her food being a little bit stale! So obviously I will just have to buy the smaller bags & go to the store more often 😳

My colleague (Dr L the surgeon) called me Friday night when I was trying to figure out my way into a new-to-me horse camp** - fortunately the gallbladder tumor was benign, everything else is basically OK with mild stomach inflammation. I will need to give her another round of antibiotics. She even begged a piece of cheese off of Christina after our ride, the little fart! Unfortunately, I slept poorly because I still have an infestation of little black ants in my horse trailer - I went & bought some new ant baits.

** Quick overnight trip to Mineola: several people were planning on going, but the threat of rain & for Sam, family illness caused them to cancel. It was a test run for Catie to ride my Specialized saddle on Baraq; it fit both of them well! Unfortunately I couldn’t be in two places at once - my friend Lisa‘s brother-in-law‘s funeral was also on Saturday, but I just sent a nice dish garden. I felt a few twinges of guilt, but I think pre-existing promises to the living superseded paying my respects to the deceased. Certainly Lisa herself has been as gracious as ever - I would love to get a transfusion of her positive attitude!

Perhaps the universe gave me a love tap - I got up Sunday morning with a painful L ankle - I wish I knew what in the hell I did to it?!? The pain was localized at the bottom aspect of my lateral shin but it was not bruised? It’s as if I have a shin splint right above the ankle - it’s not in the joint itself or the ligaments…

I bought myself a neoprene ankle brace from Walgreens which has helped a little bit, but I’m still very crippled. It’s frustrating because I accomplished next-to-nothing that I wanted to do; I was confined to my recliner on Sunday and limped around most of the day Monday. By Tuesday it was slowly improving - an awkward dismount maybe??

In other news, the lovebirds are disagreeing about their pseudo-elopement plans so there may not be a wedding after all?!? I am trying to stay somewhat neutral but I think Victoria needs to recognize the grandiosity of her plans may not match up with the reality of what they can afford. Zach spoke harshly to her when she was whining about not having her grandma there, but as I said, what they had lined up had 16 members of her family while Zach had 5: Peran & I plus his 3 best friends (aren’t you required to have a bachelor party in Vegas?!?)

Victoria‘s parents were mere teenagers - 17 & 18 when they had her; their shotgun marriage didn’t last any time at all. Andy & Adela wound up fighting an extensive court battle to wrest custody from Celeste, who had neglected Victoria badly. “It’s complicated” as most family matters are, but Zach fears that inviting Joe & Celeste (V’s bio parents) could ignite a firestorm, spreading to the aunt, uncles & cousins and taking the focus away from what it should be, which is Zach & Victoria‘s union. Besides, it’s no longer a simple elopement when you have 23 people involved!?!

In other news, I’m so discouraged at the many ways my body seems to be failing me these days. If it’s not my ankle, it’s pains spreading up into my knees & hips! I was awakened several times last night just by shifting positions. Part of this I can blame on a crappy old mattress, but still?!? Guess I’m going to have to start taking preventative ibuprofen or naproxen at bedtime. I have been following several tai chi practitioners on Instagram, but I still need to do the exercises - it’s discouraging when I’m out of breath after half-a-dozen arm swings, or falling off balance from simple calf raises! “The longest journey begins with a single step” as I well know; but even as a weekend warrior I’ve never found myself as far down in the hole before! I am dismayed every time I walk past my rusting tricycle in the garage, still haven’t made the time to take her into the bike shop.

The Universe in a Blade of Grass

 (or a tiny Chihuahua)

I was misremembering my poets: I thought the “universe in a blade of grass” quote was Eliot (my favorite poet - go figure, right?!?) but that’s actually Whitman…

I was meditating upon this as I try to transfer love & healing energy to dear lil’ Tina Fea - Tuesday night she was on another hunger strike. Initially, I blamed it on slightly stale food, so I went out & bought her a new bag of Fresh Pet. She still only ate a few nuggets & vomited in our bed overnight. Last night she was sincerely interested in my Salisbury steak, so I fed her a few bites of that. So far so good - she seems to be resting comfortably with no more nausea. I was really hoping to hear something on her biopsy reports (while Dr L was in there, he took biopsy samples from her stomach, liver, upper & lower intestinal tract with of course the gallbladder tumor being the most worrisome. I told him “in for a penny/in for a pound” - might as well do the full GI exploratory!) Hopefully I’ll hear something today. And even if I don’t save her, at least I did my best to give the best chance at life these last few months. Even these small gestures are worthwhile - if I’m not leading by example WTH am I doing?!?

This distracts me from the social media posts from my friends in Michigan at the Shore to Shore ride: a 5-d/265 mi peninsula-crossing expedition for those who undertook the full challenge. (If I had been able to go, I would’ve settled for 25 mi each day, which requires a crewmember to transport you & your equine between checkpoints) I had actually spoken to Peran about it, but when push came to shove I couldn’t make it work - not when I was determined to have my summer pilgrimage to Ft Stanton. Catie & I will have to settle for a day trip to Mineola (new-to-me E TX trails which look nice)

https://www.mineolanaturepreserve.com/o/naturepreserve/page/equestrian-trails

The Human-Animal Bond

 (a misnomer as soon as I typed it out - but it’s how the topic was presented to us as veterinary students… as it amuses me to no end when some people get greatly offended when humans are categorized as the animals which we certainly are! Very clever, technologically brilliant, philosophically-oriented naked apes but part of the animal kingdom just the same. A more correct phrasing might be “Human & non-human companion animal bonding” - probably too clunky, it will never catch on!)

The great news is, my little companion animal Tina Fea came through her surgery with flying colors. Dr L removed her diseased gallbladder & biopsied her stomach & liver as well as a couple of sites along her intestinal tract. I’m getting my day lined up to pick her up in triumph this afternoon, bearing sandwich trays for the staff (hope no one is vegan). I’ve started returning to my assisted-stretch appointments even though I haven’t done much of anything to earn them in the way of physical activity. Then, last but not least, I’ll be trekking to my attorney’s office in Frisco for the minor settlement in my personal injury case. 

Another very welcome piece of good news is the fact that somehow, Zach has convinced Victoria that a mini-elopement to Vegas is the best way for them to start married life together. He has booked the Little White Wedding Chapel, where my girl Misti & her husband Travis got married for Valentine’s Day ‘26. Their package includes 10 guests - causing me a minor heart spasm when Zach plaintively asked if I was certain Peran wanted to go because “I’m not even sure if he likes me sometimes”! Honey, I’m not sure how much he likes me sometimes!?! 

I did not disclose this to Peran as we were doing mundane Married Couple Things like selecting a new dishwasher last night, but I solemnly swear we’ll have that talk at some point. Years ago, I bitched to my closest friends that the best route to my heart was treating my son well - while Peran was a great stepdad when Zach was little, the challenges of teenage-&-young adulthood did not sit well with him. A fundamental difference of opinion: I told him I thought P’s parents had done him wrong - which basically involved putting Peran out with 3 cardboard boxes containing his earthly possessions when he was 18. Nevermind that everything turned out all right for Peran - we live in a different culture & a different world now. But apparently Peran can’t see past his own blinders…

In other news, another death in the family, so to speak - as my friend Lisa lost her brother-in-law basically due to complications from ignoring his periodontal disease (he developed septicemia & had already been undergoing dialysis for kidney failure). It was a miserable way to go 😔

The Power of Memory

 Another rough night (ugh), bcz “today’s the day”: I’ve got to trek up to the Surgery Center to hand over precious Tina Fea to my colleague/classmate for her gallbladder surgery. Cue the anxiety dreams - am I doing right by her? The surgery itself will be challenging, she’ll hate the hospital, as always there could be complications… This might be a one-way trip; I’m still excavating myself from tax & CC debts, & yet I’m gonna sink “???” in a rescued Chihuahua, a sunk-cost fallacy if there ever was one! (When she was doing so poorly after I initially rescued her, there were several times when I debated “pulling the plug” - if there’s one life lesson I have learned the hard way, it is that you can’t save ‘em all)

I had to go look up my post from those early days (Nov '24):

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/2024/11/sisyphuss-travels.html

My bladder got me up at 2:45, as I tossed & turned throughout the rest of my mini dark night of the soul, I dreamt that instead of taking Tina Fea to the Dallas Surgery Center, I had returned with her to the vet school. I wandered around the cavernous lecture hall, noticing that my classmates had these albums which were obviously some sort of homework assignment. An intern came over to collect Tina Fea from me, exchanging my tiny dog for one. Once again I was a “day late & a dollar short” - somehow a successful outcome for Tina Fea was linked to my completion of this task? What foggy confusion when I awoke - who can figure out the convolutions of the subconscious mind?

Charles & Janis placed great stock in dream analysis, & if I had to pick a side, I would say I’m more of a Jungian disciple than one of Freud. Overall I’d just rather it all made more sense…C’mon coffee, help me out!!!

Social Commentary Courtesy of FB

 (Occasionally I come across worthwhile content on FB, which is why I "keep coming back" - but full disclosure, I never watched the entirety of either The Sopranos or Mad Men... The Sopranos lost me around Season 3 with nonsense about the racehorse, while Mad Men didn't go off the rails until around Season 5. However, I was mesmerized by the towering arc of Breaking Bad - with Zach & I going to the theatre for a special anniversary showing of the finale. But I was well aware all along that Walter White was Ozymandias, a cautionary figure not "the hero"!)

Charlotte Clymer   · 

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I can't help but feel lately that the "Golden Age of Television" unintentionally enabled a lot of shitty behavior in some men by placing too much faith in them to be introspective about the shows they're watching. I've been thinking about this a lot.

1999: "Okay, so, my vision for this is the Great American Novel as a television series. It follows a New Jersey mob boss. He's ruthlessly violent and corrupt, but he does love his family. Even though he has power and respect, he's miserable and regretful most of the time, which is why much of the show will take place in a therapist's office. The juxtaposition between his violent crimes and peaceful domesticity create a tension that will entertain viewers and also make them question what 'evil' really looks like, if anything. It's also one giant commentary about the American Dream and whether it's really attainable at all."

Dudebros in 1999 and ever since: FUCK YEAH I LOVE THIS SHOW YEAH TONY I WANNA BE TONY SO BAD

2007: "My series is about a Manhattan advertising executive who builds the picture perfect life of an upper middle class suburban white family in the mid-20th century. He's able to do this by being a high functioning sociopath who steals a dead man's identity and allows his childhood family to believe he's died in the Korean War. He's alcoholic, manipulative, exploitative, and ruthless. But he does love his children and he's very attractive and could talk a tree into a wood chipper. That said, he's miserable and regretful most of the time. It's also one giant commentary about the American Dream and whether it's really attainable at all, with some feminist themes thrown in there for good measure."

Dudebros in 2007 and ever since: FUCK YEAH DON I LOVE THIS SHOW I WANNA BE DON SO BAD

2008: "My series is about a mild-mannered high school chemistry teacher who's just been diagnosed with stage-three lung cancer. He's extremely smart and capable, but he's also resentful over how he feels life dealt him some shitty cards. He cooks and sells meth at first to pay for his medical treatment and that morphs into a drug empire over time. He claims to love his wife and children but constantly puts them in harm's way. He is unequivocally a bad person by the end of the series. Many innocent people die because of him. He ultimately has no truly redeeming qualities, but he's involved in some really cool plot lines that are entertaining. It's also one giant commentary about the American Dream and whether it's really attainable at all."

Dudebros in 2008 and ever since: FUCK YEAH WALTER WHITE I LOVE THIS SHOW I AM THE DANGER

I'm just saying... there's clearly a pattern here.

Delayed Photo Dump (4th of July)

 Lining up for the parade...

                                                        Marina & Silas

                                               Karen lead-lined her granddaughter

I persuaded Marina that Buttercup the ball python was a good fashion accessory :-)

Operant Conditioning

 This slight nagging headache persists as I drink my coffee, fortifying myself for another busy workday…

We (Catie & I) had an uneventful pilgrimage to Ft Stanton - as it turned out, 3 of my other riding buddies hauled out but Catie & I were the first to arrive last Tuesday night. It was eerie to arrive to an almost-deserted campground; I didn’t sleep as well as I normally do in New Mexico, but that was probably from the stress of that long drive (uneventful, but nevertheless 11 hrs behind the wheel is 11 hrs behind the wheel!). Got up Wednesday morning to see Kathy parked across from us - she had arrived about 1 AM. Our first ride was a meander, going out the old familiar trail to the Ft Stanton cemetery, then doing a little bushwhacking around that back pasture… we found wreckage from an old junkyard but no gate, so we circled back to the highway to trace our way back to the campground. (approx 8 mi)

Drove the 5 miles into town for late lunch/early dinner, then took Catie to the Smokey Bear Historical Park/Museum. Picked up supplies at the feed store (beautiful hay! considering I paid $15/bale for crap-quality stemmy Bermuda at home) & took a turn through the grocery store for a few odds n’ ends… Returned to camp in time to help Kirsten get parked with her rig - Manda & her 13-yr old daughter Elizabeth pulled in as the sun was setting; such went Day 1.

Thursday dawned under brilliant blue New Mexico skies; we dawdled around & headed out on trail shortly after 9 AM; after all, there were no time constraints & no timer! Manda was riding a rehab project - a twitchy lil’ bay mare, who bolted & unloaded her when we were about 2.5 mi out of camp, also triggering her daughter’s gelding to jump out from under her. Fortunately no injuries as we gathered up the horses & Manda waved us along; she & Elizabeth would do their own thing… Soon Kirsten & Kathy were trotting off at a brisker pace than I wanted to maintain for Twoie’s first serious mileage in NM, so I waved them on. Catie & I wound up meandering off on a new section of trail designated “Zamora” which was extremely rugged - we climbed up into the rocky hills, finally tracing our way back down to the old stagecoach line. We drained our water bottles; I was pleased to see when we got back to camp that we had done 15 mi - a good solid day’s work for Twoie! (Baraq could have done it all over again, & Catie went out on an evening ramble w/K & K)

We made an earlier start Friday morning, heading out by 8:15. I peeled off from our main group a few miles in, since Twoie was acting a little footsore & fatigued - but Catie, Kirsten & Kathy continued on to knock out 25 mi, we were very proud of her & Baraq’s first unofficial LD ride! Both boys had some girth galls from the hill work, so when Catie wanted to go out with Kathy for another evening jaunt, we borrowed a bareback pad.

I decided to “quit while we were ahead”, so we headed back on Saturday - that made the transition back to real life a little less arduous, with having to drive back to Greenville to return Catie to the bosom of her family on Sunday (she was sad). The “operant conditioning” phrase came into play as I raced off Saturday night as soon as we got home to meet Zach with the expressed purpose of delivering a frozen bunny for Mila the python - I will miss no opportunity to see my son, even if ever-so-briefly! (We met up at a brewhouse by IKEA - we had about half an hour before Z left to go deliver dinner to Victoria) Zach had spent his 2nd week traveling to Midland & Odessa which were not fabulous places to visit…

The Devil Beats His Wife

 …as I trek down to the barn in brilliant morning sun, & another small rainshower blows through. The puzzle pieces of Another Pilgrimage to NM are creakily being maneuvered into place, although I’ve got to pay my dues at work today.

I drove to Greenville to pick up Catie yesterday, dodging a few more raindrops as the ragged edges of these storms peter out. (My heart is heavy for the tragic losses of life from the catastrophic flash flooding in the Hill Country) How can I be prepping for vacay?!? It was great to see Christina even if only for a brief luncheon. She’s looking at a “lane change” in her career as New Boss is insistent that All Workers Return to the Office (which is in San Antonio; C has been working remotely since Covid & has built a great team. They’ve sold both of their properties in SA & Manor (outside of Austin; 90 mi away from SA but could be manageable for weekly commuting), now she lives 400 mi away & there is no reasonable way to work this situation with teenagers, their farm, & investment properties now in NE TX…

(Postscript: never got a chance to polish this up, but I’ll publish it anyway as a “state of mind” post…)

Then Joe just texted me Charles’s obituary notice 😔, nothing else to do but finish packing up & head to NM! https://www.charliemarshallfuneralhomes.com/obituaries/charles-stephens

It Is Finished

 Hey, it’s my blog so I can be as sacrilegious/blasphemous as I wanna be!!!

Charles passed away around 11:30 PM Friday night, Happy Independence Day?!? Joe called me Sat morning, thankfully it was peaceful (thanks to hospice). He had had a bath Thursday, which Joe said really exhausted him, although he was still trying to do his dog & pony show of entertaining everyone! By Friday morning, Joe said Charles was only marginally coherent, having conversations with souls who were not there. He was getting palliative medications every four hours; when Joe went in around 11:30, Charles was completely unresponsive. He wanted a simple cremation with no funeral, although Joe says he’ll plan an open house for the benefit of we survivors. Charles did get to enjoy the tomato-basil soup from the care package I sent, although Joe said he “drowned it in mozzarella cheese”. We are a family of cheese lovers, that’s for sure - I took Zach out for pizza Thursday night to celebrate his new job & he joked with the waitress to stop grating the Parmesan when the block ran out!

So I’m in a sad & contemplative mood - I regret that I couldn’t get back down to see him, more so for Zach’s sake, but I’m also grateful his suffering was not prolonged. Charles was not religious, but he was deeply spiritual - I remember his sharp look when he asked me how long I thought he would survive? I tried to gently tell him from my perspective, he couldn’t last long like this & obviously he did not. The curse of the diagnostic sense.

The Kestrel

 As my faithful readers & good friends all know, Val is a big sci-fi fan but it needs to be decent sci-fi! Of course Star Trek is the ultimate for me, but I have watched Star Wars & Terminator, Blade Runner and many other popular franchises…

So I was excited to hear of good reviews for “The Lobster” when it was released - I was startled to recognize that it came out 10 years ago (Time’s getting away from me) - unfortunately this was not good sci-fi; it was some dystopian mess that couldn’t decide whether it wanted to be a black comedy or social commentary. And it lost me entirely when they cruelly tortured & killed a dog who used to be this guy’s brother - I’m out! (Spoiler alert: Single folks are herded into a hotel where they must find their human partner or be transformed into their spirit animal) For some reason, this movie title came to me after last weekend’s awesome rides -

Sam & I had gone out alone about half an hour behind the few other folks who had showed up**, and as we passed through a gate, there was a kestrel who had caught her foot in the barbed wire & was hanging helplessly upside down, fluttering weakly  & waiting for death. I dismounted to free her, placed her on top of some rocks. It took Lard Ass a few moments to remount, but then we went on - circled back later on that day & she was gone. As we rode across the crest of the hill, a kestrel darted out of the woods - I don’t know if it was her or not but I’d like to think that it was…

** I find it deeply ironic that, with recent controversies over the potential sale of this ranch, only 7 of us showed up last weekend to support ongoing equestrian use of their facilities. “The Magnificent Seven”, ha! Everyone thinks that here in Texas, we have pretty much unlimited access to riding but that is absolutely untrue - since not only is so much of our land under private ownership, even public lands are severely restricted for equestrian use. There are only a handful of state parks that allow equestrian camping, for instance…

https://m.facebook.com/groups/338327592915100/?ref=share

Autopen Continues…

 I feel like a cat with a hairball - I’ve just got to spit it all out; maybe when I do, things will seem to make a little more sense…

So Charles reached out to me in the fall of 2010, as Janis was struggling back from the reconstructive surgery on her aorta. Peran & I went for a couple of brief visits but I wasn’t able to take Zach until Spring  Break 2011 - of course, C & J were delighted by my fine young man. He & Charles hit it off especially well with Charles’s wicked dark humor, not to mention many things to teach Zach about gardening, lawn care, & cooking - Charles was quite the southern scratch cook, a true gourmand even as he remained mindful of Janis’s dietary restrictions…

The next Bad Phone Call came in July 2019, just a few weeks after I lost my dad. I had gone ahead & hauled to New Mexico - my mom seemed to be on an even keel, but I was not having much luck on my rides - so I was actually coming back early when Charles called to say that Janis was hospitalized, in critical condition after going down abruptly in great pain with leg paralysis after what seemed like an ordinary session of yard work. Zach, my mom & I went for a grim visit - Janis had already had below-the-knee bilateral amputations, but they needed to do more, which of course she did not want. We persuaded her & over the next several weeks, she had three more surgeries, and finally was released from the hospital to go home on hospice care. She lasted until the first week of October. There was no memorial service; she just wanted a simple cremation.

I called Charles yesterday morning but he could barely speak. The supplemental oxygen is not doing much for him, in other words. We would not allow a dog to suffer in this manner, as I think of Charles & my many black-humored conversations about my mother, who has not gotten much pleasure out of life honestly ever since my dad died. Charles & Janis were married for 55 yrs, and Charles still holds conversations with her - they were spiritual but not religious. Fortunately, Charles‘s friend Joe from New Braunfels went down yesterday so he is not alone.

I picked Tony up Saturday morning - we went out to Benbrook Lake & rode 7 miles…Summer heat has arrived and it pretty much wiped me out for the rest of the day.  Somehow it seems important to keep on keeping on.

Autopilot II

 “Just the facts ma’am” - I need to type faster or scrutinize my voice dictation closely as I try to “spit it all out”:

As I mentioned, Janis befriended me in our undergraduate ornithology class as I was a good study partner. She & Charles had taken an apartment across the street from UT Arlington - a great place to hang out between & after classes (even though at the time she and Charles both smoked like chimneys). Their bohemian lifestyle was quite a revelation to this sheltered girl, fresh out of Catholic high school - I had my fake ID so we often went to the campus bar on the weekends & closed the place out. Both she & Charles had been art majors, so she was upgrading her teaching certificate while Charles seem to be constantly in search of his ideal position (i.e. Janis was the main breadwinner - another novel concept to me; this couple in their 40’s still living like impoverished college students). My dad sold C & J my mom’s little station wagon at a significant discount as a graduation gift of sorts to Janis, they drove it for years to come until Charles’s ship finally came in -

Charles became the personal assistant to a wealthy elderly Texas oil/ranchwoman when they were renting a house on Key Allegro, the artists’ enclave of Rockport. When she passed away (I just wasted a lot of time trying to look up the exact date, but it was in the early 2000’s), she left Charles a substantial bequest. This enabled them to buy the shell of an abandoned beach house on the north end of Rockport, which they then finished out. If memory serves, they moved in around 2005; as I mentioned before, Janis’s health problems began snowballing in 2010.

(Once again, too slow! so I’ll have to add onto this little memoir later)

Odd little postscript - apparently my iPhone is smarter than the iPad: when I tried to look up Nelle's obituary, my smart phone found it right away! But she passed away in Y2K; Charles is mentioned as her business manager as well as one of the pallbearers in her obituary... (Maybe I'm just morbid, but I do find some obituaries fascinating)

https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/67382083/nelle-estelle-coleman

Autopilot

 It’s a real treat for me to go to bed without setting an alarm - nevertheless, my eyelids popped open at 7:01! I slept fairly well (maybe because that pressure was off), but I’ve spent the last hour doodling  around on various philosophy websites trying to find an exact quotation…

Charles always reminded me of the Greek philosopher who joked that he “lived in search of good wine by land or sea”… Their lifestyle was such a revelation to me; Janis had come back to college (where we met when I was a undergraduate at UT Arlington) to upgrade her teachers’ certificate & ultimately wound up taking a position down on the coast where she spent the last 30 yrs of her life. We fell out of touch when I married Michael because they knew “way back when” that he was no good for me, but Charles reached out in the fall of 2010 - Janis had retired in the aftermath of a diabetic health calamity; she had had major surgery to repair the claudication of her aorta, resulting in life-threatening anemia, multiple blood clots in her legs (she was lucky not to have suffered amputations at that time, nor major organ damage), and struggled back in an amazing recovery… Janis could have very easily become dependent on a wheelchair or walker, but through regimented exercise & Charles’s meticulous attention to her diet, she was able to return to hiking, birdwatching, and yes even the short horseback ride she wanted to experience when I took the ponies down to the coast during Z’s Spring Break 2011 (one of the rare years in which the celestial bodies aligned & I had my son for the entirety of Spring Break so we could actually do something)…

This “honeymoon period” lasted 8 yrs - Charles again called me in July of 2019 when Janis was struck down by a catastrophic spiral of blood clots & sepsis, resulting in progressive amputations of her legs & her death in October. I pray that things are less miserable for Charles, although he admits to significant pain & unrelenting hunger, even though he can eat next to nothing. His neighbor called me yesterday to say that hospice tried to deliver an electric wheelchair which he refused - it would almost be a hazard in his multilevel beach house! I was roaming around the upstairs Sunday morning since I couldn’t sleep - I pulled out a couple of the photo albums from their extensive travels (Spain, Morocco, Portugal). How quickly the time passes!

Catchup with Photos

 (As I mentioned, taking any photos in Rockport would've been cruel & unusual punishment, but I did snap a few at Lake Whitney & Z's BD dinner)

                            Dear darling Silas, toting Marina w/Cowboy Troy on his good paint mare

       Saturday afternoon (Loop 2) just before the equestrian wheels flew off the Carla's buses**

                                     Look at my handsome majestic Arabian - mighty Baraq at 23!!!

See Zach's halo? Love the chandeliers at his favorite steakhouse. Another fine dining experience

** Now I realize I never posted about that minor catastrophe: in what was kind of a last-minute decision, I hauled down to Lake Whitney the last weekend of May for our Texas trail riders benefit ride. Not a lot of folks came because it was hot! I had brought Silas for my friend JR's niece to ride again, but the 2 Carlas were running behind - Marina & I went out & did Loop 1 with the other cowboys n' cowgirls, then went out on Loop 2 with the 2 Carlas. Unfortunately we barely got 3 mi out when something spooked Carla 2.0's big goofy Thoroughbred - I heard the "pop" of her Hit-Air vest deploying as she was thrown. I had my hands full as Baraq started bouncing around, then I heard another "pop" as Carla Prime was unhorsed as well. When I got Baraq settled down, we circled back to assure ourselves that both Carlas were OK, then we backtracked their horses back to camp. "All's well that ends well" since fortunately no horses nor humans were injured, but it was a long hot walk back to camp for my friends. Cowboy Troy rode out to the rescue with extra water bottles...

The Hit-Air vests are the equivalent of a "wearable airbag" that protects riders from rib & spinal injuries - I admit they're pretty cool but my ego won't allow me to wear one until I eat dirt a few more times...

https://www.hitairequestrian.com/

Best-Laid Plans

 As if I didn’t have enough “Woe is me” evidence - I opened up FB last night to see that my beloved Ft Stanton ride next month has been canceled due to the lack of pre-entries. Seems a little odd when the ride manager had set a pre-entry deadline of June 20 & yesterday was the 16th, but of course that’s his prerogative! Managing an endurance event is hard, thankless, expensive work - perhaps the predictable umbrage & outrage will change Tommy’s mind, but I don’t blame him for noping out. Several folks are saying since they’ve already arranged for the time off, they’re going to go camp out & ride regardless, & I think I’ll do the same. I could be really self-sacrificing & return to Rockport but I think I need the saddle time worse…

After a long day of waiting around + multiple phone calls, Charles’s doctors finally released his medical records to hospice, & I’m happy to say their hospice nurse went out yesterday afternoon at 4:30. I was pleasantly surprised they were so proactive! Now I’ve got to be proactive & get my tail to work - I took 50 mg of trazodone last night to take the edge off, which helped me sleep but left me groggy & unfocused this morning. Guess I’d rather just be tired!

Too Little Too Late

 I’ve learned to pay attention to that little naggling voice of conviction; the one that told me to “get my ass to Rockport” after Charles called to tell me he’d been diagnosed with metastatic esophageal carcinoma at the Texas Medical Center. (Recap: he had been vomiting since Thanksgiving & has lost a precipitous amount of weight. His sister came to visit in April, bundled him up to take him back to Houston for diagnostics but he insisted on returning to his home, where he wants to spend his final days)

I picked Father’s Day weekend which seemed apropos as Charles has been a positive masculine influence in Zach’s life. Unfortunately, Z stood me up because he got too far behind the 8-ball in preparation for his trip to Tampa today for the final phase of his training for his new job… Let me just say I’m so glad I went because it was desperately needed - I was even able to get Charles signed up for hospice care on Saturday. The nurse is supposed to come out today to do his evaluation - the first order of business will be to get him on oxygen, he gasps for breath with the slightest exertion. He kept on trying to help me as I cleaned up the kitchen or did this & that but he would run himself into oxygen debt & have to hit his inhaler. I went to Walmart and got him several of those handheld oxygen canisters, got him a few things in the way of groceries (which hopefully he can eat; the kitchen was stacked with picked-over portions of food). I made him one homemade meal** - that’s all I had time for as I had to come back home yesterday…

**pasta salad & air-fryer fish

I took no photos. It would’ve almost been cruel

Down the Rabbit Hole

 I was certain that I had posted about my once-in-a-lifetime, suboptimal experiences of pregnancy & childbirth, but fell down that proverbial rabbit hole when I searched this blog for references:  most of it concerned with teenage-Zach shenanigans & marital woes…

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/search?q=Childbirth

Basically I’ve wasted all my writing time this morning shambling along Memory Lane (yikes!). Today is Mijo’s 27th; we drove up into Big D last night to celebrate his birthday at his favorite steakhouse. I ate too much, too late in the day - between that & worrying about our upcoming errand of mercy to check on my friend Charles down at the coast, I didn’t sleep worth a damn. Was it the (single) glass of wine, the deep-fried lobster balls - surely it couldn’t have been the excellent steak? I have leftovers for tonight‘s dinner. How far we have come, I’m so proud of my fine young man!

When Doves Coo

 …a reference to the immortal Prince masterpiece “When Doves Cry”. My life is much less dramatic, staggering around at low amplitude with shortness of breath. After my disastrous experience at the sleep lab, I ordered a Vitavix cervical collar-type device for snoring/sleep apnea, but I couldn’t manage to fall asleep in it last night. The typical cycle for me seems to be a couple of weeks of ragged sleep, until I’m so exhausted I can string together a decent eight or nine hour night. I’m convinced it would be a complete waste of time, energy & effort to try to adapt to a CPAP, a BiPAP or any of these other forced-air devices that strap onto your face.

Another day has gone by and once again I did not call my friend Charles (I spoke to him Sunday). Zach has to fly to Tampa June 16 for on-site training for his new job; he is declining my offer to fly us down to the coast for what I fear will be our final visit - “Charles‘s last chance to torment Zach” (Charles’s words not mine! Luckily he has not lost his wicked sense of humor) Zach wants to do a road trip - now I’m all for road trips, but it will certainly be a quick turnaround as we’ll drive down Friday night, have one day of visitation, & have to return to the Metroplex Sunday morning. Of course I will never pass up this opportunity to have Prime Time with my boy - hopefully I will find a diplomatic way to talk to him about Bridezilla; against Zach’s expressed wishes, Victoria contracted with a wedding planner to the tune of $4300. I believe they are meeting with the priest at St Monica‘s next week, but Victoria vociferously rejected her grandmother’s suggestion to have the reception at the parish hall - she has been looking at hotel venues which run into the tens of thousands of dollars. This was one of my concerns about Zach leaving his job - while it’s all well & good to make more money, I’d  hate for it just to be funneled into a big dog & pony show of a wedding. Not to mention it’s a huge football field-sized red flag for her to splurge like that -  nevermind that she used her own credit card; when she and Zach are married he’ll be responsible for her debts.

Memorial Day Itself

 Feels really strange to be sitting here with coffee & little dogs & not going to work on this rainy Monday morning… Thunderstorms started rolling through about 3 AM; my sleep quality was marginal.

AT&T continues to provide me with exceptional customer service (snark): a voicemail that my friend Charles left me Saturday night didn’t come through till almost noon yesterday. He was dyspneic - sounded purely awful as I prepared emergency plans in my head - he is completely isolated now (quick recap: Charles recognized something was dreadfully wrong around Thanksgiving when he kept vomiting & lost 35 pounds before the end of the year. He was declining hospitalization for testing, yet couldn’t get in with a gastroenterologist until March? He wound up staying with his sister near Houston for a while; ultimately being diagnosed w/esophageal carcinoma (metastatic disease by that time of course) by the Texas Medical Center. Charles opted for palliative care only; they put in a stent so he has been able to eat soft foods & soups but insisted on coming back home. He had made that difficult decision to euthanize his elderly little poodle before he went to Houston)

Nothing wrong with Charles’s mentation; he knew full well what he was doing - going home to die. What I didn’t want was unnecessary suffering, and of course on this holiday weekend the visiting nurse wouldn’t be by to see him until Tuesday!?! No doubt in my mind that Charles was suffering from aspiration pneumonia - I called in prescriptions to Walgreen’s; a neighbor picked them up for him & he called me last night already sounding much better. No doubt most of that is the temporary boost of albuterol - there’s no way the oral antibiotics could work that quickly.

I was planning to go down Father’s Day weekend to visit him, hoping against hope that Zach can come with me but obviously we’ll have to see. (I broke my own self-imposed silence yesterday to call Z & discuss this with him so he can make an informed decision) While I had hoped that we would have more time with my old friend/Z’s long-distance father figure, the time we did have was precious…

In Memorium

 Staring down the final day of this physically & emotionally challenging week… I have stayed completely hands (& phone)-off with my son as he completes his last week of employment with the City of Dallas.

Only time will tell if he’s making the right move, going to work for private industry: the Swiss-owned firm Metrohm (I can’t help kidding around, calling it “Metroid” which was one of his favorite video games as a kid. I think I had a mental block remembering the name - for the most part, Zach has been really happy during his time with the City)

But Mom has worked really really hard to keep her sticky fingers off the controls - I’ve only reminded him a couple of times that working for a boss that you like, with coworkers that you love & a favorable schedule can be worth more than a substantial amount of money… what I fear is that Z is folding to pressure from fiancée & in-laws to make mo’ money, just so they can turn around & sink it in a big dog & pony show of a wedding. “Adult choices have adult consequences” is what I keep repeating to myself.

Yesterday we attended my cousin’s eldest son’s HS graduation**, then I took P to see the new Mission Impossible movie. Not exactly “my thing”, but I knew P would enjoy it. Tom Cruise obviously wants us to see that he’s kept himself in shape (he’s 63, 2 yrs older than Yours Truly) since there were 2 stripped-down-to-his-underwear action & fight scenes - eye candy for those of us who remember his debut when he lip-synched to Bob Seeger as a teenager!!!

** it was a little awkward, since she has been separated from her husband of almost 25 years “for a while”… she has not shared any details with me, not that she owes me a damn thing! The father of her 4 children came, fortunately all by himself - he did not sit with his family, nor come to lunch with us afterwards. No doubt in my mind there must be someone else - middle-aged men don’t leave “just because” - but at least Robbie had the decency not to try to force the issue (not like my Ex-idiot, who truly acted for a while that my family should just wholeheartedly embrace the homewrecker) She knows most of the gory details of my messy divorce/custody battles since her parents & my parents were very close - I call her dad my surrogate brother. My dad was very fond of him, Clifford was undoubtedly the favorite of all his nieces & nephews

(Photos to be added later since Blogger still does not want to interface well w/my iPad)