The Human-Animal Bond

 (a misnomer as soon as I typed it out - but it’s how the topic was presented to us as veterinary students… as it amuses me to no end when some people get greatly offended when humans are categorized as the animals which we certainly are! Very clever, technologically brilliant, philosophically-oriented naked apes but part of the animal kingdom just the same. A more correct phrasing might be “Human & non-human companion animal bonding” - probably too clunky, it will never catch on!)

The great news is, my little companion animal Tina Fea came through her surgery with flying colors. Dr L removed her diseased gallbladder & biopsied her stomach & liver as well as a couple of sites along her intestinal tract. I’m getting my day lined up to pick her up in triumph this afternoon, bearing sandwich trays for the staff (hope no one is vegan). I’ve started returning to my assisted-stretch appointments even though I haven’t done much of anything to earn them in the way of physical activity. Then, last but not least, I’ll be trekking to my attorney’s office in Frisco for the minor settlement in my personal injury case. 

Another very welcome piece of good news is the fact that somehow, Zach has convinced Victoria that a mini-elopement to Vegas is the best way for them to start married life together. He has booked the Little White Wedding Chapel, where my girl Misti & her husband Travis got married for Valentine’s Day ‘26. Their package includes 10 guests - causing me a minor heart spasm when Zach plaintively asked if I was certain Peran wanted to go because “I’m not even sure if he likes me sometimes”! Honey, I’m not sure how much he likes me sometimes!?! 

I did not disclose this to Peran as we were doing mundane Married Couple Things like selecting a new dishwasher last night, but I solemnly swear we’ll have that talk at some point. Years ago, I bitched to my closest friends that the best route to my heart was treating my son well - while Peran was a great stepdad when Zach was little, the challenges of teenage-&-young adulthood did not sit well with him. A fundamental difference of opinion: I told him I thought P’s parents had done him wrong - which basically involved putting Peran out with 3 cardboard boxes containing his earthly possessions when he was 18. Nevermind that everything turned out all right for Peran - we live in a different culture & a different world now. But apparently Peran can’t see past his own blinders…

In other news, another death in the family, so to speak - as my friend Lisa lost her brother-in-law basically due to complications from ignoring his periodontal disease (he developed septicemia & had already been undergoing dialysis for kidney failure). It was a miserable way to go 😔

The Power of Memory

 Another rough night (ugh), bcz “today’s the day”: I’ve got to trek up to the Surgery Center to hand over precious Tina Fea to my colleague/classmate for her gallbladder surgery. Cue the anxiety dreams - am I doing right by her? The surgery itself will be challenging, she’ll hate the hospital, as always there could be complications… This might be a one-way trip; I’m still excavating myself from tax & CC debts, & yet I’m gonna sink “???” in a rescued Chihuahua, a sunk-cost fallacy if there ever was one! (When she was doing so poorly after I initially rescued her, there were several times when I debated “pulling the plug” - if there’s one life lesson I have learned the hard way, it is that you can’t save ‘em all)

I had to go look up my post from those early days (Nov '24):

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/2024/11/sisyphuss-travels.html

My bladder got me up at 2:45, as I tossed & turned throughout the rest of my mini dark night of the soul, I dreamt that instead of taking Tina Fea to the Dallas Surgery Center, I had returned with her to the vet school. I wandered around the cavernous lecture hall, noticing that my classmates had these albums which were obviously some sort of homework assignment. An intern came over to collect Tina Fea from me, exchanging my tiny dog for one. Once again I was a “day late & a dollar short” - somehow a successful outcome for Tina Fea was linked to my completion of this task? What foggy confusion when I awoke - who can figure out the convolutions of the subconscious mind?

Charles & Janis placed great stock in dream analysis, & if I had to pick a side, I would say I’m more of a Jungian disciple than one of Freud. Overall I’d just rather it all made more sense…C’mon coffee, help me out!!!

Social Commentary Courtesy of FB

 (Occasionally I come across worthwhile content on FB, which is why I "keep coming back" - but full disclosure, I never watched the entirety of either The Sopranos or Mad Men... The Sopranos lost me around Season 3 with nonsense about the racehorse, while Mad Men didn't go off the rails until around Season 5. However, I was mesmerized by the towering arc of Breaking Bad - with Zach & I going to the theatre for a special anniversary showing of the finale. But I was well aware all along that Walter White was Ozymandias, a cautionary figure not "the hero"!)

Charlotte Clymer   · 

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I can't help but feel lately that the "Golden Age of Television" unintentionally enabled a lot of shitty behavior in some men by placing too much faith in them to be introspective about the shows they're watching. I've been thinking about this a lot.

1999: "Okay, so, my vision for this is the Great American Novel as a television series. It follows a New Jersey mob boss. He's ruthlessly violent and corrupt, but he does love his family. Even though he has power and respect, he's miserable and regretful most of the time, which is why much of the show will take place in a therapist's office. The juxtaposition between his violent crimes and peaceful domesticity create a tension that will entertain viewers and also make them question what 'evil' really looks like, if anything. It's also one giant commentary about the American Dream and whether it's really attainable at all."

Dudebros in 1999 and ever since: FUCK YEAH I LOVE THIS SHOW YEAH TONY I WANNA BE TONY SO BAD

2007: "My series is about a Manhattan advertising executive who builds the picture perfect life of an upper middle class suburban white family in the mid-20th century. He's able to do this by being a high functioning sociopath who steals a dead man's identity and allows his childhood family to believe he's died in the Korean War. He's alcoholic, manipulative, exploitative, and ruthless. But he does love his children and he's very attractive and could talk a tree into a wood chipper. That said, he's miserable and regretful most of the time. It's also one giant commentary about the American Dream and whether it's really attainable at all, with some feminist themes thrown in there for good measure."

Dudebros in 2007 and ever since: FUCK YEAH DON I LOVE THIS SHOW I WANNA BE DON SO BAD

2008: "My series is about a mild-mannered high school chemistry teacher who's just been diagnosed with stage-three lung cancer. He's extremely smart and capable, but he's also resentful over how he feels life dealt him some shitty cards. He cooks and sells meth at first to pay for his medical treatment and that morphs into a drug empire over time. He claims to love his wife and children but constantly puts them in harm's way. He is unequivocally a bad person by the end of the series. Many innocent people die because of him. He ultimately has no truly redeeming qualities, but he's involved in some really cool plot lines that are entertaining. It's also one giant commentary about the American Dream and whether it's really attainable at all."

Dudebros in 2008 and ever since: FUCK YEAH WALTER WHITE I LOVE THIS SHOW I AM THE DANGER

I'm just saying... there's clearly a pattern here.

Delayed Photo Dump (4th of July)

 Lining up for the parade...

                                                        Marina & Silas

                                               Karen lead-lined her granddaughter

I persuaded Marina that Buttercup the ball python was a good fashion accessory :-)

Operant Conditioning

 This slight nagging headache persists as I drink my coffee, fortifying myself for another busy workday…

We (Catie & I) had an uneventful pilgrimage to Ft Stanton - as it turned out, 3 of my other riding buddies hauled out but Catie & I were the first to arrive last Tuesday night. It was eerie to arrive to an almost-deserted campground; I didn’t sleep as well as I normally do in New Mexico, but that was probably from the stress of that long drive (uneventful, but nevertheless 11 hrs behind the wheel is 11 hrs behind the wheel!). Got up Wednesday morning to see Kathy parked across from us - she had arrived about 1 AM. Our first ride was a meander, going out the old familiar trail to the Ft Stanton cemetery, then doing a little bushwhacking around that back pasture… we found wreckage from an old junkyard but no gate, so we circled back to the highway to trace our way back to the campground. (approx 8 mi)

Drove the 5 miles into town for late lunch/early dinner, then took Catie to the Smokey Bear Historical Park/Museum. Picked up supplies at the feed store (beautiful hay! considering I paid $15/bale for crap-quality stemmy Bermuda at home) & took a turn through the grocery store for a few odds n’ ends… Returned to camp in time to help Kirsten get parked with her rig - Manda & her 13-yr old daughter Elizabeth pulled in as the sun was setting; such went Day 1.

Thursday dawned under brilliant blue New Mexico skies; we dawdled around & headed out on trail shortly after 9 AM; after all, there were no time constraints & no timer! Manda was riding a rehab project - a twitchy lil’ bay mare, who bolted & unloaded her when we were about 2.5 mi out of camp, also triggering her daughter’s gelding to jump out from under her. Fortunately no injuries as we gathered up the horses & Manda waved us along; she & Elizabeth would do their own thing… Soon Kirsten & Kathy were trotting off at a brisker pace than I wanted to maintain for Twoie’s first serious mileage in NM, so I waved them on. Catie & I wound up meandering off on a new section of trail designated “Zamora” which was extremely rugged - we climbed up into the rocky hills, finally tracing our way back down to the old stagecoach line. We drained our water bottles; I was pleased to see when we got back to camp that we had done 15 mi - a good solid day’s work for Twoie! (Baraq could have done it all over again, & Catie went out on an evening ramble w/K & K)

We made an earlier start Friday morning, heading out by 8:15. I peeled off from our main group a few miles in, since Twoie was acting a little footsore & fatigued - but Catie, Kirsten & Kathy continued on to knock out 25 mi, we were very proud of her & Baraq’s first unofficial LD ride! Both boys had some girth galls from the hill work, so when Catie wanted to go out with Kathy for another evening jaunt, we borrowed a bareback pad.

I decided to “quit while we were ahead”, so we headed back on Saturday - that made the transition back to real life a little less arduous, with having to drive back to Greenville to return Catie to the bosom of her family on Sunday (she was sad). The “operant conditioning” phrase came into play as I raced off Saturday night as soon as we got home to meet Zach with the expressed purpose of delivering a frozen bunny for Mila the python - I will miss no opportunity to see my son, even if ever-so-briefly! (We met up at a brewhouse by IKEA - we had about half an hour before Z left to go deliver dinner to Victoria) Zach had spent his 2nd week traveling to Midland & Odessa which were not fabulous places to visit…

The Devil Beats His Wife

 …as I trek down to the barn in brilliant morning sun, & another small rainshower blows through. The puzzle pieces of Another Pilgrimage to NM are creakily being maneuvered into place, although I’ve got to pay my dues at work today.

I drove to Greenville to pick up Catie yesterday, dodging a few more raindrops as the ragged edges of these storms peter out. (My heart is heavy for the tragic losses of life from the catastrophic flash flooding in the Hill Country) How can I be prepping for vacay?!? It was great to see Christina even if only for a brief luncheon. She’s looking at a “lane change” in her career as New Boss is insistent that All Workers Return to the Office (which is in San Antonio; C has been working remotely since Covid & has built a great team. They’ve sold both of their properties in SA & Manor (outside of Austin; 90 mi away from SA but could be manageable for weekly commuting), now she lives 400 mi away & there is no reasonable way to work this situation with teenagers, their farm, & investment properties now in NE TX…

(Postscript: never got a chance to polish this up, but I’ll publish it anyway as a “state of mind” post…)

Then Joe just texted me Charles’s obituary notice 😔, nothing else to do but finish packing up & head to NM! https://www.charliemarshallfuneralhomes.com/obituaries/charles-stephens

It Is Finished

 Hey, it’s my blog so I can be as sacrilegious/blasphemous as I wanna be!!!

Charles passed away around 11:30 PM Friday night, Happy Independence Day?!? Joe called me Sat morning, thankfully it was peaceful (thanks to hospice). He had had a bath Thursday, which Joe said really exhausted him, although he was still trying to do his dog & pony show of entertaining everyone! By Friday morning, Joe said Charles was only marginally coherent, having conversations with souls who were not there. He was getting palliative medications every four hours; when Joe went in around 11:30, Charles was completely unresponsive. He wanted a simple cremation with no funeral, although Joe says he’ll plan an open house for the benefit of we survivors. Charles did get to enjoy the tomato-basil soup from the care package I sent, although Joe said he “drowned it in mozzarella cheese”. We are a family of cheese lovers, that’s for sure - I took Zach out for pizza Thursday night to celebrate his new job & he joked with the waitress to stop grating the Parmesan when the block ran out!

So I’m in a sad & contemplative mood - I regret that I couldn’t get back down to see him, more so for Zach’s sake, but I’m also grateful his suffering was not prolonged. Charles was not religious, but he was deeply spiritual - I remember his sharp look when he asked me how long I thought he would survive? I tried to gently tell him from my perspective, he couldn’t last long like this & obviously he did not. The curse of the diagnostic sense.

The Kestrel

 As my faithful readers & good friends all know, Val is a big sci-fi fan but it needs to be decent sci-fi! Of course Star Trek is the ultimate for me, but I have watched Star Wars & Terminator, Blade Runner and many other popular franchises…

So I was excited to hear of good reviews for “The Lobster” when it was released - I was startled to recognize that it came out 10 years ago (Time’s getting away from me) - unfortunately this was not good sci-fi; it was some dystopian mess that couldn’t decide whether it wanted to be a black comedy or social commentary. And it lost me entirely when they cruelly tortured & killed a dog who used to be this guy’s brother - I’m out! (Spoiler alert: Single folks are herded into a hotel where they must find their human partner or be transformed into their spirit animal) For some reason, this movie title came to me after last weekend’s awesome rides -

Sam & I had gone out alone about half an hour behind the few other folks who had showed up**, and as we passed through a gate, there was a kestrel who had caught her foot in the barbed wire & was hanging helplessly upside down, fluttering weakly  & waiting for death. I dismounted to free her, placed her on top of some rocks. It took Lard Ass a few moments to remount, but then we went on - circled back later on that day & she was gone. As we rode across the crest of the hill, a kestrel darted out of the woods - I don’t know if it was her or not but I’d like to think that it was…

** I find it deeply ironic that, with recent controversies over the potential sale of this ranch, only 7 of us showed up last weekend to support ongoing equestrian use of their facilities. “The Magnificent Seven”, ha! Everyone thinks that here in Texas, we have pretty much unlimited access to riding but that is absolutely untrue - since not only is so much of our land under private ownership, even public lands are severely restricted for equestrian use. There are only a handful of state parks that allow equestrian camping, for instance…

https://m.facebook.com/groups/338327592915100/?ref=share

Autopen Continues…

 I feel like a cat with a hairball - I’ve just got to spit it all out; maybe when I do, things will seem to make a little more sense…

So Charles reached out to me in the fall of 2010, as Janis was struggling back from the reconstructive surgery on her aorta. Peran & I went for a couple of brief visits but I wasn’t able to take Zach until Spring  Break 2011 - of course, C & J were delighted by my fine young man. He & Charles hit it off especially well with Charles’s wicked dark humor, not to mention many things to teach Zach about gardening, lawn care, & cooking - Charles was quite the southern scratch cook, a true gourmand even as he remained mindful of Janis’s dietary restrictions…

The next Bad Phone Call came in July 2019, just a few weeks after I lost my dad. I had gone ahead & hauled to New Mexico - my mom seemed to be on an even keel, but I was not having much luck on my rides - so I was actually coming back early when Charles called to say that Janis was hospitalized, in critical condition after going down abruptly in great pain with leg paralysis after what seemed like an ordinary session of yard work. Zach, my mom & I went for a grim visit - Janis had already had below-the-knee bilateral amputations, but they needed to do more, which of course she did not want. We persuaded her & over the next several weeks, she had three more surgeries, and finally was released from the hospital to go home on hospice care. She lasted until the first week of October. There was no memorial service; she just wanted a simple cremation.

I called Charles yesterday morning but he could barely speak. The supplemental oxygen is not doing much for him, in other words. We would not allow a dog to suffer in this manner, as I think of Charles & my many black-humored conversations about my mother, who has not gotten much pleasure out of life honestly ever since my dad died. Charles & Janis were married for 55 yrs, and Charles still holds conversations with her - they were spiritual but not religious. Fortunately, Charles‘s friend Joe from New Braunfels went down yesterday so he is not alone.

I picked Tony up Saturday morning - we went out to Benbrook Lake & rode 7 miles…Summer heat has arrived and it pretty much wiped me out for the rest of the day.  Somehow it seems important to keep on keeping on.

Autopilot II

 “Just the facts ma’am” - I need to type faster or scrutinize my voice dictation closely as I try to “spit it all out”:

As I mentioned, Janis befriended me in our undergraduate ornithology class as I was a good study partner. She & Charles had taken an apartment across the street from UT Arlington - a great place to hang out between & after classes (even though at the time she and Charles both smoked like chimneys). Their bohemian lifestyle was quite a revelation to this sheltered girl, fresh out of Catholic high school - I had my fake ID so we often went to the campus bar on the weekends & closed the place out. Both she & Charles had been art majors, so she was upgrading her teaching certificate while Charles seem to be constantly in search of his ideal position (i.e. Janis was the main breadwinner - another novel concept to me; this couple in their 40’s still living like impoverished college students). My dad sold C & J my mom’s little station wagon at a significant discount as a graduation gift of sorts to Janis, they drove it for years to come until Charles’s ship finally came in -

Charles became the personal assistant to a wealthy elderly Texas oil/ranchwoman when they were renting a house on Key Allegro, the artists’ enclave of Rockport. When she passed away (I just wasted a lot of time trying to look up the exact date, but it was in the early 2000’s), she left Charles a substantial bequest. This enabled them to buy the shell of an abandoned beach house on the north end of Rockport, which they then finished out. If memory serves, they moved in around 2005; as I mentioned before, Janis’s health problems began snowballing in 2010.

(Once again, too slow! so I’ll have to add onto this little memoir later)

Odd little postscript - apparently my iPhone is smarter than the iPad: when I tried to look up Nelle's obituary, my smart phone found it right away! But she passed away in Y2K; Charles is mentioned as her business manager as well as one of the pallbearers in her obituary... (Maybe I'm just morbid, but I do find some obituaries fascinating)

https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/67382083/nelle-estelle-coleman

Autopilot

 It’s a real treat for me to go to bed without setting an alarm - nevertheless, my eyelids popped open at 7:01! I slept fairly well (maybe because that pressure was off), but I’ve spent the last hour doodling  around on various philosophy websites trying to find an exact quotation…

Charles always reminded me of the Greek philosopher who joked that he “lived in search of good wine by land or sea”… Their lifestyle was such a revelation to me; Janis had come back to college (where we met when I was a undergraduate at UT Arlington) to upgrade her teachers’ certificate & ultimately wound up taking a position down on the coast where she spent the last 30 yrs of her life. We fell out of touch when I married Michael because they knew “way back when” that he was no good for me, but Charles reached out in the fall of 2010 - Janis had retired in the aftermath of a diabetic health calamity; she had had major surgery to repair the claudication of her aorta, resulting in life-threatening anemia, multiple blood clots in her legs (she was lucky not to have suffered amputations at that time, nor major organ damage), and struggled back in an amazing recovery… Janis could have very easily become dependent on a wheelchair or walker, but through regimented exercise & Charles’s meticulous attention to her diet, she was able to return to hiking, birdwatching, and yes even the short horseback ride she wanted to experience when I took the ponies down to the coast during Z’s Spring Break 2011 (one of the rare years in which the celestial bodies aligned & I had my son for the entirety of Spring Break so we could actually do something)…

This “honeymoon period” lasted 8 yrs - Charles again called me in July of 2019 when Janis was struck down by a catastrophic spiral of blood clots & sepsis, resulting in progressive amputations of her legs & her death in October. I pray that things are less miserable for Charles, although he admits to significant pain & unrelenting hunger, even though he can eat next to nothing. His neighbor called me yesterday to say that hospice tried to deliver an electric wheelchair which he refused - it would almost be a hazard in his multilevel beach house! I was roaming around the upstairs Sunday morning since I couldn’t sleep - I pulled out a couple of the photo albums from their extensive travels (Spain, Morocco, Portugal). How quickly the time passes!

Catchup with Photos

 (As I mentioned, taking any photos in Rockport would've been cruel & unusual punishment, but I did snap a few at Lake Whitney & Z's BD dinner)

                            Dear darling Silas, toting Marina w/Cowboy Troy on his good paint mare

       Saturday afternoon (Loop 2) just before the equestrian wheels flew off the Carla's buses**

                                     Look at my handsome majestic Arabian - mighty Baraq at 23!!!

See Zach's halo? Love the chandeliers at his favorite steakhouse. Another fine dining experience

** Now I realize I never posted about that minor catastrophe: in what was kind of a last-minute decision, I hauled down to Lake Whitney the last weekend of May for our Texas trail riders benefit ride. Not a lot of folks came because it was hot! I had brought Silas for my friend JR's niece to ride again, but the 2 Carlas were running behind - Marina & I went out & did Loop 1 with the other cowboys n' cowgirls, then went out on Loop 2 with the 2 Carlas. Unfortunately we barely got 3 mi out when something spooked Carla 2.0's big goofy Thoroughbred - I heard the "pop" of her Hit-Air vest deploying as she was thrown. I had my hands full as Baraq started bouncing around, then I heard another "pop" as Carla Prime was unhorsed as well. When I got Baraq settled down, we circled back to assure ourselves that both Carlas were OK, then we backtracked their horses back to camp. "All's well that ends well" since fortunately no horses nor humans were injured, but it was a long hot walk back to camp for my friends. Cowboy Troy rode out to the rescue with extra water bottles...

The Hit-Air vests are the equivalent of a "wearable airbag" that protects riders from rib & spinal injuries - I admit they're pretty cool but my ego won't allow me to wear one until I eat dirt a few more times...

https://www.hitairequestrian.com/

Best-Laid Plans

 As if I didn’t have enough “Woe is me” evidence - I opened up FB last night to see that my beloved Ft Stanton ride next month has been canceled due to the lack of pre-entries. Seems a little odd when the ride manager had set a pre-entry deadline of June 20 & yesterday was the 16th, but of course that’s his prerogative! Managing an endurance event is hard, thankless, expensive work - perhaps the predictable umbrage & outrage will change Tommy’s mind, but I don’t blame him for noping out. Several folks are saying since they’ve already arranged for the time off, they’re going to go camp out & ride regardless, & I think I’ll do the same. I could be really self-sacrificing & return to Rockport but I think I need the saddle time worse…

After a long day of waiting around + multiple phone calls, Charles’s doctors finally released his medical records to hospice, & I’m happy to say their hospice nurse went out yesterday afternoon at 4:30. I was pleasantly surprised they were so proactive! Now I’ve got to be proactive & get my tail to work - I took 50 mg of trazodone last night to take the edge off, which helped me sleep but left me groggy & unfocused this morning. Guess I’d rather just be tired!

Too Little Too Late

 I’ve learned to pay attention to that little naggling voice of conviction; the one that told me to “get my ass to Rockport” after Charles called to tell me he’d been diagnosed with metastatic esophageal carcinoma at the Texas Medical Center. (Recap: he had been vomiting since Thanksgiving & has lost a precipitous amount of weight. His sister came to visit in April, bundled him up to take him back to Houston for diagnostics but he insisted on returning to his home, where he wants to spend his final days)

I picked Father’s Day weekend which seemed apropos as Charles has been a positive masculine influence in Zach’s life. Unfortunately, Z stood me up because he got too far behind the 8-ball in preparation for his trip to Tampa today for the final phase of his training for his new job… Let me just say I’m so glad I went because it was desperately needed - I was even able to get Charles signed up for hospice care on Saturday. The nurse is supposed to come out today to do his evaluation - the first order of business will be to get him on oxygen, he gasps for breath with the slightest exertion. He kept on trying to help me as I cleaned up the kitchen or did this & that but he would run himself into oxygen debt & have to hit his inhaler. I went to Walmart and got him several of those handheld oxygen canisters, got him a few things in the way of groceries (which hopefully he can eat; the kitchen was stacked with picked-over portions of food). I made him one homemade meal** - that’s all I had time for as I had to come back home yesterday…

**pasta salad & air-fryer fish

I took no photos. It would’ve almost been cruel

Down the Rabbit Hole

 I was certain that I had posted about my once-in-a-lifetime, suboptimal experiences of pregnancy & childbirth, but fell down that proverbial rabbit hole when I searched this blog for references:  most of it concerned with teenage-Zach shenanigans & marital woes…

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/search?q=Childbirth

Basically I’ve wasted all my writing time this morning shambling along Memory Lane (yikes!). Today is Mijo’s 27th; we drove up into Big D last night to celebrate his birthday at his favorite steakhouse. I ate too much, too late in the day - between that & worrying about our upcoming errand of mercy to check on my friend Charles down at the coast, I didn’t sleep worth a damn. Was it the (single) glass of wine, the deep-fried lobster balls - surely it couldn’t have been the excellent steak? I have leftovers for tonight‘s dinner. How far we have come, I’m so proud of my fine young man!

When Doves Coo

 …a reference to the immortal Prince masterpiece “When Doves Cry”. My life is much less dramatic, staggering around at low amplitude with shortness of breath. After my disastrous experience at the sleep lab, I ordered a Vitavix cervical collar-type device for snoring/sleep apnea, but I couldn’t manage to fall asleep in it last night. The typical cycle for me seems to be a couple of weeks of ragged sleep, until I’m so exhausted I can string together a decent eight or nine hour night. I’m convinced it would be a complete waste of time, energy & effort to try to adapt to a CPAP, a BiPAP or any of these other forced-air devices that strap onto your face.

Another day has gone by and once again I did not call my friend Charles (I spoke to him Sunday). Zach has to fly to Tampa June 16 for on-site training for his new job; he is declining my offer to fly us down to the coast for what I fear will be our final visit - “Charles‘s last chance to torment Zach” (Charles’s words not mine! Luckily he has not lost his wicked sense of humor) Zach wants to do a road trip - now I’m all for road trips, but it will certainly be a quick turnaround as we’ll drive down Friday night, have one day of visitation, & have to return to the Metroplex Sunday morning. Of course I will never pass up this opportunity to have Prime Time with my boy - hopefully I will find a diplomatic way to talk to him about Bridezilla; against Zach’s expressed wishes, Victoria contracted with a wedding planner to the tune of $4300. I believe they are meeting with the priest at St Monica‘s next week, but Victoria vociferously rejected her grandmother’s suggestion to have the reception at the parish hall - she has been looking at hotel venues which run into the tens of thousands of dollars. This was one of my concerns about Zach leaving his job - while it’s all well & good to make more money, I’d  hate for it just to be funneled into a big dog & pony show of a wedding. Not to mention it’s a huge football field-sized red flag for her to splurge like that -  nevermind that she used her own credit card; when she and Zach are married he’ll be responsible for her debts.

Memorial Day Itself

 Feels really strange to be sitting here with coffee & little dogs & not going to work on this rainy Monday morning… Thunderstorms started rolling through about 3 AM; my sleep quality was marginal.

AT&T continues to provide me with exceptional customer service (snark): a voicemail that my friend Charles left me Saturday night didn’t come through till almost noon yesterday. He was dyspneic - sounded purely awful as I prepared emergency plans in my head - he is completely isolated now (quick recap: Charles recognized something was dreadfully wrong around Thanksgiving when he kept vomiting & lost 35 pounds before the end of the year. He was declining hospitalization for testing, yet couldn’t get in with a gastroenterologist until March? He wound up staying with his sister near Houston for a while; ultimately being diagnosed w/esophageal carcinoma (metastatic disease by that time of course) by the Texas Medical Center. Charles opted for palliative care only; they put in a stent so he has been able to eat soft foods & soups but insisted on coming back home. He had made that difficult decision to euthanize his elderly little poodle before he went to Houston)

Nothing wrong with Charles’s mentation; he knew full well what he was doing - going home to die. What I didn’t want was unnecessary suffering, and of course on this holiday weekend the visiting nurse wouldn’t be by to see him until Tuesday!?! No doubt in my mind that Charles was suffering from aspiration pneumonia - I called in prescriptions to Walgreen’s; a neighbor picked them up for him & he called me last night already sounding much better. No doubt most of that is the temporary boost of albuterol - there’s no way the oral antibiotics could work that quickly.

I was planning to go down Father’s Day weekend to visit him, hoping against hope that Zach can come with me but obviously we’ll have to see. (I broke my own self-imposed silence yesterday to call Z & discuss this with him so he can make an informed decision) While I had hoped that we would have more time with my old friend/Z’s long-distance father figure, the time we did have was precious…

In Memorium

 Staring down the final day of this physically & emotionally challenging week… I have stayed completely hands (& phone)-off with my son as he completes his last week of employment with the City of Dallas.

Only time will tell if he’s making the right move, going to work for private industry: the Swiss-owned firm Metrohm (I can’t help kidding around, calling it “Metroid” which was one of his favorite video games as a kid. I think I had a mental block remembering the name - for the most part, Zach has been really happy during his time with the City)

But Mom has worked really really hard to keep her sticky fingers off the controls - I’ve only reminded him a couple of times that working for a boss that you like, with coworkers that you love & a favorable schedule can be worth more than a substantial amount of money… what I fear is that Z is folding to pressure from fiancée & in-laws to make mo’ money, just so they can turn around & sink it in a big dog & pony show of a wedding. “Adult choices have adult consequences” is what I keep repeating to myself.

Yesterday we attended my cousin’s eldest son’s HS graduation**, then I took P to see the new Mission Impossible movie. Not exactly “my thing”, but I knew P would enjoy it. Tom Cruise obviously wants us to see that he’s kept himself in shape (he’s 63, 2 yrs older than Yours Truly) since there were 2 stripped-down-to-his-underwear action & fight scenes - eye candy for those of us who remember his debut when he lip-synched to Bob Seeger as a teenager!!!

** it was a little awkward, since she has been separated from her husband of almost 25 years “for a while”… she has not shared any details with me, not that she owes me a damn thing! The father of her 4 children came, fortunately all by himself - he did not sit with his family, nor come to lunch with us afterwards. No doubt in my mind there must be someone else - middle-aged men don’t leave “just because” - but at least Robbie had the decency not to try to force the issue (not like my Ex-idiot, who truly acted for a while that my family should just wholeheartedly embrace the homewrecker) She knows most of the gory details of my messy divorce/custody battles since her parents & my parents were very close - I call her dad my surrogate brother. My dad was very fond of him, Clifford was undoubtedly the favorite of all his nieces & nephews

(Photos to be added later since Blogger still does not want to interface well w/my iPad)

Val vs The Universe

 …or the Multi-verse, the Mirror Universe (insert lame pop-culture reference here) or a Galaxy Far Far Away!?! I am feeling very small & insignificant as I struggle on, but I realize I never finished last weekend’s minor drama -

Tony was discouraged with our failure to secure a completion at our 5/10 ride, which really wasn’t a failure at all - remember our motto “To Finish is to Win”! I am all too familiar with the disillusionment of being pulled at the finish, but he requested we come home, so we did after allowing the ponies to rest up for a couple of hours. (The ponies looked great so that’s always a win in my book) I called Peran to tell him we were coming on back but he sounded terrible -

“Honey, what’s wrong??” - “The tortoise is missing!” At first, I thought that meant he just couldn’t find her in the upstairs bedroom where I’ve been letting her wander (most of the winter I had her pinned up like a veal calf in an aquarium tank which was too small), but no, P had taken her outside to the small wooden tortoise corral which she has also outgrown. She had busted out the side like the Kool-Aid man & he could not find her…

So when I got home, got Twoie safely put away in the pasture & the trailer parked, I dusted off my hands & settled in to “think like a tortoise”… Thankfully Peran had mowed the front yard so it was easy to scan those premises - I figured she would head for the shade/shelter of the flowerbeds.

I started by the garage to work my way around the house - thankfully I found her tucked under the rosebush by the front steps. Whoops, there’s some poison ivy! but it was a small price to pay to recover Athena. So whenever I start to be too down on myself, sinking into a morass of dog hair, dust & clutter, I remind myself that I do have a few skills.

Stumbling Onwards

 Another week has rushed on past me in fits & starts - while I was feeling bad juju about my sleep study last Wednesday night, I went ahead & got on with it… I was hoping for more of an academic exercise than the sleep center’s concerted effort to get me fitted for a CPAP. I term this “When your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail!” Or pulling up another gem from Cool Hand Luke: “What we have here is a failure to communicate”

The equipment I picked up for the home sleep study in April was not too bad - a nasal cannula, a chest strap, and an O2 sensor on my finger. They recommended an overnight stay in the sleep lab, where I presumed I would be wired up like a crash-test dummy (which I was), but the technician immediately started fitting me with a CPAP device. Seriously, you expect me to sleep with something like this?!? Not without heavy pharmaceuticals…

While the technician was very pleasant, she had her marching orders so I said I would try. I laid there for two hours with the first model; we switched out the subsequent two models for about an hour apiece. By 2 AM I told her this was pointless, so she disconnected me had me sign several forms saying I was “refusing treatment”/AMA & released me to go home to nap a few hours in my own bed… Silly me, I thought I was being so efficient by scheduling my follow-up with my GP at 8:30 AM!

Needless to say, Thursday was a Very Long Day since I had follow-up with dermatologist at 3 PM (neck has healed fine, what's another scar??) However, I managed to muddle through - crashing at 9:30 PM & getting what felt like my first decent night's sleep in I-don't-know-when...

Endurovet Rides Again, After All

 No Great Thoughts this morning as I work through the DOMS after my first 25-mi event in 3 yrs… The good news is, we did it - Twoie performed admirably after some minor Early Morning shenanigans* - & the bad news is, we were overtime! (6 hr time limit to complete 25 mi; we plodded in about 40 min over)

I’m still bursting with pride while second-guessing myself as to what I could’ve done differently - but the trails are challenging, there’s a lot of rock & our ponies were barefoot - picking up the pace risks a lame horse. (What would’ve been the “best” choice would’ve been to have shoes or boots put on, but on Thursday I was tied up all day getting the basal cell carcinoma carved off my neck - that turned out to be a whole-day ordeal since it took her 3 excisions to get it all) The deck was further stacked against us since I had a miscommunication with my girls - they did not clear my schedule so I could get out a little early Friday afternoon - I had to work straight up until 6:00. Thankfully horse camp is only a couple of hours away, so Tony & I pulled in with enough daylight to vet our ponies in Friday night, sparing us the stress of an early morning exam…

* I had gotten Twoie’s new purple headstall which I proudly put on him Saturday morning - however something was bothering him: he was throwing his head around & trying to crow hop,  so I finally went back to the trailer and put his old blue bitless rig on him. He still gave me a little bit of guff getting out the gate but we were finally on trail. It was great to be riding with the Real Krewe again.

Tony always has problems rating Cowboy early in the ride - I held Twoie back & let him go on ahead… I caught up with him about 3/4 of the way through that first 16-mi loop, we stayed together for the rest of the ride. He was saddle-sore enough to ask about cutting things short as it became apparent we were not gonna make the cut-off time, but I jollied him along, spinning that it would be great to have the training miles even if we didn’t get credit for it. (We actually did opt out of the last pasture loop which was probably about a mile - my friend Debbie said she had measured it at 28 miles so I don’t feel bad)

Both ponies demonstrated excellent recoveries, so after about an hour & a half’s rest, we loaded up to come home for Saturday night - we celebrated with dinner at the Rocket Café where I had not been since Zach was an infant. The Rest of The Story later!

Belated Birthdays etc

 aka “Giving It All Away” - Val is indulging in another episode of self-pity as I look out at gray dreary skies this morning. We had glorious weather at last weekend’s NATRC ride near Waco but returned to more thunderstorms - “May showers”, apparently!

My Decatur ride (April 27) was canceled with our torrential rains/muddy conditions: the Forest Service feared we would damage the trails, folks were getting stuck on Thursday just trying to get parked in camp. This Saturday’s AERC ride near Cleburne will be slightly more challenging, but I already pledged to Tony that we would enter the 25-miler…

And speaking of pledges, I’m also falling far behind on any obligations I had as a halfway decent daughter - I haven’t visited my mother in three weeks! I diagnose myself with a severe case of caregiver fatigue; I just had to step back a bit & trust the facility to care for her as her decline into dementia steepens. She still recognizes me, she’s just getting increasingly disoriented as to time & place & exactly what we’re doing round here! She roams the halls searching for my dad or Aunt Mary Sue, wondering when they’re going to board the train or when we shall arrive, wherever it is that we’re going??

I feel as if I’m just plodding wearily through my days myself, but I was able to take Victoria & Zach out last night for her belated birthday dinner. It appears they’ve settled on a wedding date of 8/08/26 - I don’t know if V’s grandfather will survive that long (I haven’t visited V’s grandparents recently either - I need to make my own evaluation, but Andy is down to 140-some-odd pounds, still relying on a feeding tube) Z also announced he’s not inviting his father, which of course is his decision to make but I was trying to gently nudge him into being the bigger person. He’s finally fed up with doing 200% of the work to keep their relationship alive. (Maybe more later, gotta get on into work)

I’m All for Spontaneity BUT…

 … when your friend texts you at 7:20 asking about dinner plans, just as you’ve pulled out of the Mickey D’s drive-through with your happy meal?!? - kinda throws a monkey wrench into one’s own end-of-the-weekend plans!

So I made that sacrifice, ha ha! even though that meant overeating, leading to another poor night’s sleep. P couldn’t be persuaded to join us - he’d already eaten & is adhering to his rigid dietary/exercise schedule (looks like he’s peeled off a few of the pounds he’s regained, good for him!). I’ve been trying to celebrate K & W’s belated 39th anniversary, that’s quite the accomplishment! Poor K is getting over walking pneumonia; W is fighting miserable side effects of his Metformin/statin combination**, and Baby Daddy drama continues over their coming-on-5-yr old granddaughter…

** W was beset w/intractable hiccups right after his big beautiful steak was placed before him; he had to excuse himself & go stroll around a bit to ensure this didn’t cause regurgitation 

I managed a 2-hr ride yesterday morning w/Tony & Sam; my entire stiff spine was crackling this morning when I stretched out in my brief yoga routine. (I had invited K but of course things weren’t going to work for her on a Sunday morning - can’t miss church don’t ya know! - & she worries about parking her rig “in da hood” where we connect w/the AT&T Trail)

Tony picked some winecups for Twoie’s halter - I’ll have to add those photos later 

 I keep dawdling around, distracting myself with busywork when I ought to be organizing my thoughts… I had everything planned out for my next blog entry right down to the title: “Endurovet Rides Again”!!!** I’ll just pull my initial effort straight from the transcription I wrote for my cousin:

Karen was my mentor when Michael & I latched on to endurance riding as “our sport” after picking up a flyer at the feed store in 1990. “Way back when” she was a schoolteacher in Grapevine: I was witness as K worked out her relationship with Mark. He was 10 years older than Karen & had gotten out of a messy 1st marriage himself, fortunately without any children involved…
(This summarizing is quite helpful - what just occurred to me is another disparity in our relationship; while I considered Karen to be one of my closest friends, she didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid? Hmmm, maybe it was just that pesky religious difference - her family is very evangelical/verging on fundamentalist?)
Anyway, I got the impression early on that Mark was trying to isolate Karen from her family - going to NB, then returning to TX to settle near Amarillo, “just far enough” to make visiting difficult!
But over the years, I got the distinct impression that I was doing the heavy lifting in our relationship - by the time Zach was a teenager, I had withdrawn quite a bit, but I still considered her a close friend - I just didn’t reach out as often. Guess that’s why it felt like such a betrayal when I was unburdening my soul during that final disastrous custody battle - as it turned out, she was sharing this with Mark, who was then passing intel along to Michael!
When this truth came to light, she justified their actions by framing as some sort of intervention, since I was “too permissive” with Zach - needless to say,  our relationship has never recovered. We are now passing acquaintances at the rare rides K attends, which are few & far between (after she married Mark, it was obvious he was trying to isolate her from that too!)
It will be curious to see if she now starts going to more rides as a widow?

** I had planned to shepherd Tony through his first 25-mi event in 7 yrs, & mine in 3 - however Texas weather had other plans! Torrential rains flooded the trails & the Forest Service feared too much potential damage, so our ride was canceled. Endurovet will have to delay “feeling like a genuine endurance rider” until 5/11…

https://www.robertsonfuneral.com/obituaries/mark-schrader/#!/TributeWall

Death & Taxes

 …”the only inevitabilities” as Val continues to flounder around in this maelstrom of my own making!

I started to title this “Best-Laid Plans” - if there’s anything that endurance riding teaches you, it should be adaptability! Off Tony & I went to Priefert Ranch last weekend, with a brief stop at the clinic Friday morning since there had been a scheduling problem & I had to see a couple of clients. But fortunately it all worked out, no major delays, and we were setting up camp around 3 PM…

The next monkey wrench came flying out of left field when we took the ponies over for their check-in exam & Twoie was lame with heat & swelling in his left front tendon sheath?!? So we had to do a swap & trade, with me appropriating dear Silas while Catie’s dad hauled in one of their “sale barn mares” for Catie to ride instead. (Marty bought these mares last summer - good solid quarter horses - but was uncertain of Blue’s ability to hang tough for a long distance event? Spoiler alert - she did great! Catie’s riding skills have greatly improved, as Blue is an ex-playday pony, ready to go-go-go! So Catie had to do a lot of circles)

The Rest of this Story to follow as my next inevitability arises - the necessity of going to work!

************************************************************************

"The Things We Do for Love”

Of course I didn’t have the opportunity to add anything to this, even at the tail end of my workday - as my friend William loves to exclaim: “Everybody wants a piece of me!”

I was going to type earlier this afternoon that my son was in the process taking the GMAT… I trekked up to Irving last night to buy him a good-luck dinner. He has studied so hard for this test, and had his hopes pinned on a high-percentile score which might qualify him for some scholarships. Zach just called me in dejection, because he “merely” scored a 615 which ranks him in about the 75th percentile. When he first began taking practice exams, he was scoring in the 500’s but had high hopes of scoring above 700. I remain amazed that they get their scores immediately as I recall waiting anxiously for weeks for the results of some of my higher level exams! Admittedly, I have not done much research but I would think Zach could gain admittance to the UT-Dallas MBA program with that score? I would think there is some small advantage to the fact that he just graduated from there with his bachelor’s almost a year ago…

At any rate, I would count last weekend’s expedition as “qualified” success: while I’m disappointed that Twoie hurt himself, I got my crew through the ride successfully & even managed to teach Tony a thing or two about pacing, so he was much more comfortable upon completion of the ride. Tony & I continued up to Clarksville Sat afternoon to visit my cousins, where we enjoyed a homemade lasagne dinner with them. (One thing you can say about my family is that you will never leave hungry ;-) It was a very pleasant evening to camp out, and we headed back home Sunday morning.

I’ll have to add some photos mañana, since this iPad is not cooperating in these endeavors.

"The power of advertising" - I bought this glitter stencil kit from a FB ad, so Cowboy got to be Gator Boy! (Twoie didn't earn any bling bcz he was crippled!)

                                          The backroads of the beautiful Priefert Ranch

                                                                  My crew & I setting out

W.Y.H.I.W.Y.G.

 (What You Have Is What You Get)

I am slowly coming into the acceptance that this is the current status of my relationship with my son -   don’t get me wrong, it’s all good & I appreciate every time he calls to ask me a random question, vents to me about this, that, or the other thing, bouncing various ideas off of me** but still I miss him - I miss his physical presence; I know I “spousified” him far too much as far as getting my minor hits of affection. “A son is a son till he takes a wife”; I know Z’s got to invest himself in his relationship with Victoria if there’s any hope of him having a successful marriage. That leaves Mommy out in the cold like the little match girl - pressing my nose to the glass, trying not to say too much nor do too much! As currently Z & V are trying to thrash out their compromises for the wedding… I understand that Victoria wants her day in the spotlight, but I agree with my son that it’s foolish to invest as much as $20 - 30K in such an event. Looks like we could easily drop $10K just by renting a couple of tents to pitch on the hillside & having everything down here on the farm, but at least that would solve the problem of the $10K rental fee just for the venue! That’s a generous wedding gift in my opinion (obviously, that’s not the only wedding gift I would give them)

** Z is currently studying to take the GMAT because he wants to go back and get an MBA. Continued education is never a bad thing, & if he thinks it will help his career I’m all for it! T minus 48 hrs - he’s been burning the midnight oil studying for this and goes to take the exam Friday evening. Fingers crossed, but I’m confident my boy is (still) a good test taker just as I was…

But my cousin has decided Holy Cross is not the retirement community for her - fortunately no one has made an offer on her house so back we go to California over Easter weekend. Keeps my mind off my current troubles which continue to be my mom’s insidious decline, and the loss of most of her clothes when they moved her to long-term care! It’s irritating because I had bought her a pile of new things since she has lost significant weight. So that’s this afternoon‘s project, combined with starting to repack & load for this weekend where Tony and I are going up to Mount Pleasant (the beautiful Priefert Ranch). The bluebonnets are blooming & it should be a beautiful weekend!