Circle of Life & All That Jazz

It ain't so much that I have a lack of things to contemplate… Rubbing my various bruises since my “home bone density test”: I fell down my own staircase Thursday night when I got up about 4 AM to use the bathroom (a nightly occurrence for me! ain’t as if the geography of my own house should be unfamiliar to me?!.) but I didn’t walk quite far enough - in my half-asleep state, I turned down the staircase instead of walking 3 feet farther to the bathroom door. Talk about your rude awakenings!

This was the exact mistake my dear former FIL made about 28 yrs ago, when he was visiting with my SIL & her (at the time) 4-yr old… We jolted awake to her piercing screams, as Linda feared Dad had broken his neck! Thankfully he had not - just his wrist! but I never made a mistake in the future of letting an elderly guest sleep upstairs. When Peran’s folks visited, for instance, we vacated our master bedroom downstairs, regardless of his mom’s protests - no ifs, ands, or buts!

I count myself lucky to have broken nothing but my pride - for the first couple of days I was hobbling around, glad I didn’t have an upcoming riding event.

I am posting what my office manager’s husband related about their recent hunting experiences on our property. I am as proud as I can be, even though I’ve done nothing but provide the venue. I had no idea we had such a thriving deer population in the bottom land - I’ll get some pictures posted in the usual circuitous way. Justin asked me about a lease agreement & I told him the agreement was that Kristy keeps working for me until I’m ready to retire 😉

(Gunner is their 11-yr old; Justin set up their deer blind & put up a feeder only 2 wks ago, & he bagged his first doe Thurs night)

“Well my boy finally got his first harvest waited to post until the whole process was complete. Gunner is my ride or die. My hunting buddy always by my side not just in the stand but he puts his blood sweat and tears in the offseason and during season. I have made him learn patience when it comes to hunting for the last two years. He has had to pass on deer over and over and sometimes it hurt me telling him not that one. But this year I told him if we have a mature doe and a buck walk out this year he will get to take the shot. On Thursday after school we sat in the stand wind and rain, lighting and he had 2 mature does walk out. lol he was about to pull the trigger when the feeder goes off and there goes the does lol. Saw his heart break but after 5 minutes they came back and he got to take his first rifle shot. Proud dad moment to see your son harvest an animal honor that animal for its life. All while it’s lighting all around us. Then brind her home due to the weather and field dress, skin her, then process her. Raising a future man, father, provider. I am over the moon proud of you Gunner Smith. Congratulations on your first one, many more to come now. Time to get that buck now.”

Last night Justin harvested a beautiful 8-pt buck:

“Today my wife wanted to go hunting so we went and sat in the blind. Well she let me take a shot on this 8 point instead of her taking it. Always putting others before herself, she truly embodies selflessness, now it’s time to get you on one babe. Thank you baby for letting me get this beauty 16 1/2 inside spread. 2025 has been an incredible year for us.”

Salt Lake City?!?

 I’ve been recording my “horseback miles” in a 1900 mi Pony Express Challenge,  retracing the route of the original Pony Express Trail. Twoie’s success has put me (figuratively) over Emigrant Pass & into the heart of Salt Lake City. I’ve never been to Salt Lake City but I would like to visit someday - my folks spent about 6 months there as newlyweds (aka long before I came onto the scene!) since my father had a job opportunity there… One of my trail riding buddies & I actually signed up for it couple of years ago - you have 5 yrs to get this mileage done, but with all Carla‘s turmoil in getting her new house built, she has not recorded any mileage for many months now.

I actually feel “purty good” this morning, Twoie is much easier on ye olde carcass than Baraquinator! Has me sitting around & thinking how sometimes you can do a lot of things wrong but it still comes out right.

A.) I was in such a hurry loading up, I did not grab the boys’ bucket of pelleted feed so I had to feed them beet pulp & oats - fortunately I had a full bale of alfalfa hay. 

B.) I likewise failed to transfer the tub of my favorite Corona ointment, which I use to lubricate under the girth & saddle pad - luckily no evidence of chafing, rubs or pressure points.

C.) Both geldings got a little stocked up, standing around in a pen after all their hard work - so in the future I will have to be diligent about poulticing & wrapping legs “once again”. (Used to do it all the time, but was not necessary when I was only going shorter distances - I’ve gotten soft!)

Then I came across this great post in my FB feed this morning. (For some reason my iPad won’t do its normal copy & paste feature, but it’s about fear of failure) 

And as I finally got around to downloading & transferring some photos (!!!) - which is quite the process with my aging electronics! - I forgot the most glaring mistake of them all: I failed to grab my trusty helmet! So I rode bareheaded & "bulletproof" as we say ;-) Shock & awe around horse camp since Val is always one of those people who preach helmet safety. "Do as I say, not as I do!"

                                            Route of the old Pony Express Trail through SLC

The Fog Rolls In

 … as I sit here with my cooling cup of coffee, wondering what’s it all about, Alfie? I was too tired to continue the forced march to pack up and go home last night after hauling to West Texas Wednesday night, picking up Moonie Thursday, returning home, packing the big trailer Friday to haul to Killeen to fulfill my obligation to sponsor my niece in yesterday’s endurance ride…

We finished with 1.5 minutes to spare because we missed a turn, coming in on the final approach as we passed John the photographer - we trotted an extra half-mile, but as we emerged onto the road, I knew we had gone too far! But all’s well that ends well - the boys look great & Catie finished up full of vim & vigor…

Unfortunately Christina & Catie loaded up to return home before the awards meeting, where everybody clapped & cheered for me - now that was a good feeling! After all, it’s been almost 4 yrs since I’ve successfully completed a 25-mi event. Hopefully it’s the first of an understandably short but successful endurance career for Twoie (he’s 20, so if he can work for another 4 or 5 yrs, he’ll have earned his oats!)

Funny thing is, I related to Catie the story of Lucy & my “4-minute finish” when we did a 50-miler here probably 8 yrs ago - completing w/4 minutes to spare, earning that Madonna song a permanent place of honor on my playlist!

I had contemplated hauling from here up to Decatur - where my trail riders are today - but I’ve got a lot of laundry** to do & hopefully Z & V will come out so I can mount her up on Silas for a short introductory ride! More fun times!

** Darling Tina Fea wet the bed - thank goodness she’s a smol dog!!!

Deep’ish Thoughts

 I needed a chuckle before I stagger out to finish loading the big horse trailer to go commit my acts of irresponsibility this weekend (I’ll be sponsoring Catie aboard Baraq in the 25 with me - shouldn’t be any problem make our time limit! 😳 Instead, I’ll be begging her to slow down…)

IRRESPONSIBLE OLD HORSE RIDERS

Two years ago, my other half, Jan, took a tumble off her 17hh grey Irish draught mare, Cara and broke her left wrist, a rib and a bone in her right hand. Britain’s beleaguered National Health System rose to the challenge magnificently and repaired her after numerous scans, x-rays, a bunch of analgesics, bone manipulation and a two-hour long operation to put a titanium rod into her left wrist. Total cost zero. Actually, £10, for the car parking charge at Pembury Hospital in East Sussex, as we were there for about 30 hours in all.

But despite the wonderful care, kindness and skill involved there was a slight under current of unspoken wonder, surprise, and maybe just the slightest unstated criticism that someone over 60 was still riding and getting up to shenanigans like this. There was a sense that Jan was old enough to know better than to be horse riding at her age. The hospital would be better used looking after the truly sick and dying, not a bunch of old fools doing self inflicted wounds to themselves. The staff in A&E and the bone clinic mentioned that in the past 24 hours there had been three other horse-riding accidents they had attended to.

I can understand this feeling all too well. What the hell do we think we are up to? Are we irresponsible, stupid, crazy? I would have to plead guilty to all those things as I am a decade older than Jan and should be even more aware of my ‘irresponsible’ behaviour.

I hate to think what this accident would have cost us without the free healthcare in the UK. Maybe, I thought, sitting by Jan through that long night the time has come to bid farewell to riding?

But once home again, there was no talk of giving up. A smaller horse, yes, perhaps, but that was the sum of our forward planning.

Our grown-up children also think we are pushing our luck and making nuisances of ourselves with the medical fraternity. Our oft stated concern with our son’s motorbike riding elicits a ream of statistics which show conclusively that many more people are crippled or killed in horse riding accidents than in motorcycle crashes. We hang our heads a bit but carry on regardless, like junkies just out of rehab.

Are we mad? Is there something wrong with us? Yes, to both these charges. The problem is we’ve been mainlining this horse drug for six and seven decades respectively and in some ways, it Is one of our main reasons for living, our single greatest pleasure. We’ve fought off cancer and heart disease, so we are not unaware that this time on earth is a fragile thing, and it is drawing to a close. This makes us even more wedded to this so-called irresponsible behaviour called horse riding.

There seems to be an ever-greater unwillingness in the West to live a bit dangerously. But it is this very thing that adds salt and savour to what otherwise would be a very bland life. We are wedded to the adventure that awaits us in the woods, out in the landscape beyond people, even beyond help in some cases. We are not unaware of the risks and carry tracking devices in our phones. But it would be hard to land a paramedic helicopter where we disappear to in the forests.

It would appear that for better or worse we are indeed irresponsible old codgers. And all the better for being just that. The poem says: “When I am old I shall wear purple.” Stuff that, I hate purple. But riding a long striding horse into the sunset or sunrise for that matter, that is my drug of choice and I’m buggered if I’m giving it up to keep the medics happy. See you in A&E.

“Change or Die”

 I’ve been steadily working my way through Diamond Dallas Page’s latest production: a reality-themed miniseries titled “Change or Die”. I don’t recall where on my social media feeds that news of this popped up?

The wrestling world holds a space near & dear to my heart since watching “Saturday night rasslin” was a activity with my beloved Granddad. I eagerly jumped on the bandwagon with DDP when he started promoting his yoga programs about 15 years ago - bought his DVD’s, then subscribed to his app for quite a while until I let it lapse in 2017. In “Change or Die”, DDP brought together a small group for intensive rehab: a former boxer, another wrestler “wrestling” w/alcoholism & chronic injuries, a plus-sized model who’d outgrown her “specs”, a grandmother & a super-morbidly obese young man. I had a visceral reaction to Taylor Sowers (the young man) since he reminded me so much of my cousin Susie, whom we lost to complications from gastric bypass surgery when she was 26. 

Full of enthusiasm, I have reactivated my DDP app but I’m already behind on the workouts. I realize Rome wasn’t built in a day etc. etc. & there are those who are so much worse off than I am, but again, my shortness of breath & low energy levels are discouraging. Dr Abbi reports that surgery went well on Moonie’s RF foot so current plans remain for me to go pick him up next week to bring him home. Tony still awaits test results to determine whether he has cardiomyopathy.

Halfway There

 “…whoa-oh, living on a prayer!”

The soaring vocals of Bon Jovi filled my head yesterday morning after completing my phone call with Dr Abbi - Moonie came through his first surgery with flying colors, Dr Abbi is confident she did him a lot of good, even though he had “the worst impar ligament she’s ever seen”. That’s my boy, the overachiever! Heh heh - easy to make jokes now, but I have been seriously concerned - we’re not out of the woods yet. Current game plan is to do his right foot next Monday or Tuesday, keep him hospitalized for another 7-10 days, then he should be comfortable enough to travel home (which is a 6-hr trailer ride) That would land on Thurs 11/13, which is the day I planned on packing & loading for Twoie & I’s next attempt at a 25-mi ride 11/15. I may make it easier on myself by driving to Sweetwater Wednesday night & staying in a hotel to break up the trip somewhat. I shudder to think what Moonie’s “bail” is going to be, so what’s an extra hundred bucks for a hotel?!?

In other news, the immediate saga of Tamara is ended. She signed herself out of her skilled nursing facility last Monday (AMA), persuading an aide to drive her home, who also helped her get the power turned back on at her house. But at some point Tuesday night, she fell in her back hallway - the neighbors noticed the lights were on & fearing a break-in, they called the police. The police broke in to find her; she was taken to the hospital where she expired Sunday. Her daughter was understandably distraught, since she had not jumped up to run down here - she thought she had a little more time. I tried to console her by telephone - her first responsibility is to her own family & 4 young children after all! I called her ex-husband Monday afternoon who, being the good guy that he is, immediately volunteered to help however he could with securing her property until Alex is able to come down. Ron will also break the news to his 19-year-old grandson whom Tamara babysat a lot when he was younger… Alex told me Tamara will be cremated & that’s that, with no plans for a memorial service which seems to be the going thing, just as for Grandma Phu?

At least we saved her animals, and poor Tamara herself did not die like a stray dog in her hoarder’s house. Corey is happy as a clam amongst his new dog pack - I told Peran I’m building a sled dog team 😉

“Relentless”

 “Way back when”, very early on in my blogging exploits, a cyber-friend described me as “relentless”, a description I found flattering at the time! Here lately I have been listening to podcasts during drive time, which seems to be a better use of my precious irreplaceable hours left on this earth than just listening to pop music. A favorite show is “The Rest is History”, 2 British dudes dissecting various topics - & here lately they’ve been going through the life & career of Admiral Horatio Nelson, he of the Battle of Trafalgar fame. Peran has an old framed poster celebrating Nelson which I suppose he bought on sale or something as part of a framed set, since I’ve never heard P mention any historical topics whatsoever! I can’t even get him to watch Ken Burns documentaries…

At any rate, I did a quick search to see if I have mentioned the latest drama (which I have not) - when I searched for cardiomyopathy, I pulled up my entry in the aftermath of dear Ken’s funeral 2 yrs ago: https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/search?q=Cardiomyopathy+

Poor Tony has struggled w/heat intolerance & distressing spells of a racing heartbeat - he went to the cardiologist this week & must return next week for an echocardiogram to confirm a possible diagnosis of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy! Again, Val is dismayed at the fragmented nature of our so-called healthcare system which more & more seems to be a system of seeing specialists who throw various medications at your symptoms instead of looking at the whole picture. Tony quit riding with me as a teenager when he was diagnosed with epilepsy - needless to say, he won’t be riding with me for a while until we get this sorted out… I continue to be troubled by my own weakness with shortness of breath, but I think it’s obviously something I’ll just have to live with - my last scans showed evidence of COPD: between Covid & 2 rounds of radiation therapy, that damage has caught up to me.

Step-SIL Lisa-in-CO sent me a thick packet of photos which must’ve been Phu’s - I will try to post a few later. I look forward to passing the duplicates along to Z. Long-awaited thunderstorms rolled in last night, but if we have some dry time this weekend, tentative plans are to get Victoria mounted up on Silas.

Moonie’s MRI provided bad news about his poor crippled front feet (navicular disease), but more tentative plans are to proceed with surgery “one foot at a time” on Monday. How I miss My Pretty Pony!

Me & MSG

 Sometimes, I seem to be the best at finding new & creative ways to poison myself?!? The only successful way I got myself below 200 lbs (& stayed there!) 15 yrs ago was through a modified low-carb diet &  I’ve been trying to “clean up my act” ever since… I’ve cycled through Paleo, primal, & semi-carnivore - these days I’m trying to adhere to “whole foods”, although I admit I fall off the wagon quite frequently… I’ve been stuck around this 190-lb threshold for about 3 yrs now - I know nothing significant will change unless I make (more) significant changes in diet & exercise patterns. But damn, it’s hard to sacrifice the immediate rewards of chips & salsa when I survey even the relatively recent census of  “Memento Mori”: dear Charles (it still hits me like a physical blow when I realize I can no longer call him for a quick laugh/venting session), neighbor Terri (with whom I only got to ride on one precious occasion as I drive by & see her good horse “outstanding in the field”), Frenemy Mine’s husband (his daughter just posted a plaintive “six months gone” IG post), & the most recent loss, my ex-husband’s beloved Vietnamese stepmother, Grandma Phu. (I will try to sketch some more “convoluted family history” later; as much for Zach’s sake as my own clarity) Granted, she was 88 yrs old so it wasn’t as if this was a complete shock, but I’m disappointed that we didn’t get back for another visit. Her daughter just sent me a thick packet of old photos - I’ll try to figure out how to post a few of them…

So I had picked up a few comfort foods at Costco last week - for dinner Tuesday night I heated up the Zuppa Toscana sausage & potato soup. It is advertised as gluten-free, so I don’t know if it was just the excess sodium, MSG or something else but I got up Wednesday morning & not only had I bloated up by 4 lbs, every joint in my body hurt! I fasted for most of the day, drank lots of water & the magical diuresis occurred as well as a little, ahem, diarrhea! (sorry for the TMI) - & luckily this morning I’m back down to baseline. I’m going to take my friend to the Korean sauna for a little more “detox”.

My Lap Overflows

… with 3 little dogs on my lap this morning - life doesn’t get much better than this! My mood is a roiling mixed bag of emotions: while I’m satisfied that I’ve successfully completed my mission - delivering Moonie to Lamesa, going by San Angelo State Park for an all-too-brief return visit, a safe trip home & even a bonus ride yesterday! Since we came home a day early, I got up early yesterday morning to meet the trail riders in Rusk for a beautiful day at Train Robber Ranch…

But it was a profound disappointment not to get to see my son - I had high hopes for yesterday but when he blew off all my suggestions, I knew I wasn’t going to push the issue. “A son is a son ‘till he takes a wife” I will refocus my mission on getting Victoria in the saddle this week as Z had to take another regional business trip to Tampa. (I had offered to haul his mule to Caprock Canyon last weekend so we could ride together once again) Instead I was stuck with Tony - I had an ominous feeling about his aging gelding, but he had arranged to have him shod on the front in a cost-saving measure.

We took Moonie to my colleague’s clinic where, after initial evaluation & new X-rays, we left him in their care. He will have his MRI today & then we will make the final decision if he is a candidate for navicular surgery. Tony & I then turned south to camp out at San Angelo State Park Thurs & Fri nights. Unfortunately, Tony’s gelding went lame not quite halfway through our planned ride on Friday, so Baraq & I had to loop back to get the trailer to go rescue them. I’ll try to fill in more details later!

I’ll derail the my own meanderings to insert some more wise observations from Dr Deb Johnson:

You can not change the past and you can not completely control the future, you can only do your best for right now today.  I ruined all last week because I didn’t empty out my bag at the end of every day and let things go and start the next day empty and renewed.  There are some of you that are carrying years worth of life around with you every single day and it controls you and keeps you locked in a prison of fear, let it go!  Last week is gone and done and over and I can not change anything about it, I can only change today!  Today I am going to go and work on being the best me I can and not allow last week to ruin this week to.  It is all under my control!  I might have failed last week but I don’t have to fail this week.  

Life is way too important to just keep dragging along all the yesterdays and last weeks and previous years with you!  Do the hard work to figure out what you are getting from the negative self talk and choosing to overload and overwhelm yourself and then throw it out!  Today is a new day!  Quit thinking that people are going to think less of you if you actually man up and choose to become a happier, better, kinder person by letting go of all the shit from your past!  Your best days are today!  Choose to be your best, give your best, see the best in yourself and everyone around you and you just might actually start enjoying everything about your life!  You can’t change yesterday but you can dang sure change today!

The Road Goes On Forever

 Lying here dully in my recliner, trying to get my blood moving after a rough night - unfortunately I fell back into a fitful sleep at 6 AM, which made it really hard to peel myself off the mattress…

But “peel” I must as I contemplate my long “To Do” list today. First disappointment is that Mijo signed himself up for a Warhammer tournament this weekend - he forgot or conveniently ignored all the suggestions I sent him about things we could do on this upcoming weekend. So I have shifted lanes, deciding to take poor Moonshine to my colleague in the Panhandle for a consultation about surgery for his navicular disease. It’s time to quit avoiding the reality: I’ve got him on the maximum dose of anti-inflammatory medications, yet he’s still profoundly crippled. If I can’t get him more comfortable, I’m gonna have to put him down…

Of course I will take advantage of the travel to go by San Angelo State Park & revisit those lovely trails, but while I was envisioning a revitalizing solo trip, Tony got wind of my plans & has basically invited himself along. I thought I had an easy out because his gelding was very tender-footed on the rocks we traversed last weekend at Glen Rose - but whaddaya know? he’s having the farrier out this afternoon. I wish he was this proactive about his job search!

I could’ve titled this “in for a penny, in for a pound” - a little bit of Tony goes a long way but I feel obligated because of my long friendship with his dad Rodney to play my minor part in helping show Tony a little bit of the big broad world as he (hopefully) launches himself into adulthood. I can feel the edge of Rodney’s anxiety - I felt the same way several years ago, when I honestly didn’t know if my son was ever going to make it off the launch pad to complete his college degree & make something of himself.

Last weekend's expedition - a return to the beautiful Wyatt Ranch

A FB Post courtesy of Dr Deb Johnson

I haven’t been sleeping well for the past month or two.  Those of you women who are on the top of the hill or falling down the other side can probably relate to what I am lamenting about.  Menopause messes up so much in ones body that it seems to lose its ability to get good sleep.  It is very frustrating and it makes each day a bit more difficult because after a few or more years of not getting consistent good sleep, you just struggle to have the same tenacity for the daily grind.

I love being a veterinarian and I would not trade what a I do for anything but there are times when it just feels heavier than usual. Sometimes there are reasons, cases that go bad, animals that you think should get better and they don’t, the inability to know what you need to know to save an animal, trying to be everything that everyone else needs you to be but you know that you can’t be.  Then if you throw being a business owner on top of that with 35 employees and all their struggles and their desires or lack there of and it makes one very weary sometimes.  

The past few months everything has felt heavier than usual.  Not for any one reason, just the sheer desire to be able to do what needs done, to be what everyone needs me to be, and to try and not lose myself in all of it.  If you are a veterinarian you live and work every single day in fear of upsetting someone and being turned into the veterinary board.  You feel this constant need to be perfect for everyone so you don’t get into trouble and it is impossible to know everything you need to know, so it drains you of all joy and if you aren’t careful it destroys your life.  If you want to know a huge part of the reason that veterinary medicine has become so outrageously priced, practicing to cover your ass is the second on the list!  Force people to do everything so that you can defend yourself if something happens, if something goes wrong.  It makes everyone feel bad, client and vet alike. 

You have no idea the fear that exists in every veterinarian because of this.  Animals aren’t like people and they can’t talk and they can’t tell you anything and it is impossible to know what they are feeling or where they are feeling it and yet clients and the vet board expect you to be perfect and never not know.  I would suggest that this is probably the greatest reason that people leave the profession because it is just too much to worry about day after day after day.  If you force clients to do everything so that you can defend your license, they can’t afford it and you have to kill their animal and that makes you feel like shit for killing something that you could have saved and if you try to save it by doing less and it doesn’t work out and the client gets pissed then the board disciplines you so heavily that it just doesn’t feel worth it any more.  

It is very easy to get headed down a road that leads to misery and unhappiness when one starts to dwell too much on all that could happen!  It is very easy to get depressed and upset when one chooses to worry about the potential for bad.  It is very easy to end up in a ditch on the side of life and to give up because you allowed the weight of it all to stay and you got weak and crashed.  It is very easy to get there but you don’t have to go there!  

There are no perfect veterinarians.  There are no perfect people.  We are all just humans doing our best and that has to be enough!  If you are at a spot in life where you are discouraged and everything feels heavy, stop and sit on the side of the road for a minute and choose to look for the good.  Stop the negative, what could happens, feeling sorry for yourself, and think about all the good that you do with your life.  It doesn’t matter what you do, you are doing good for someone.  Your spouse, your kids, your fellow employees, your parents, your family, your boss, your employees, your clients, there is good that you do or you wouldn’t be doing what you are doing!  You have a choice on what you choose to think about and how you choose to live each day.

We all get weary and tired and down, that is normal and it is ok.  What is not ok is allowing yourself to get stuck there!  It is a choice!  You are choosing to dwell on the ugly, the negative, the hard, the failure, the struggle instead of the good.  There is good in everything.  Even as I type this I have so many thoughts of different patients that have turned out good, clients who are kind, people who appreciate what we do.  Your mind is your greatest asset and yet so often we fail to use it for good for ourselves!   We get tired and we get weak and we start dwelling on the negative and it all gets worse, take back control and choose your road and choose happiness on that road.

Life is heavy for everyone, life is hard for everyone, life gets overwhelming.  It is not all of those things that matter but rather what you do with those things that matters.  Feel the weight, invest the time in thinking about what you did and if you can change anything to be better and then make a plan and move on!  One cannot carry with them all the failures of their life or it will crush you!  One cannot go through life and spend it worrying about all that could happen!  Instead of letting it all become too much, take a few moments, feel sorry for yourself, go through your burdens and then get rid of them and move on.  Carrying it with you only makes your life harder and that is a choice that you are making.  I will never be perfect and I will never get it right every time but I can do my best and I can do better at communicating and I can choose to find joy in what I do.  And that my friends, is the best that I can do and it is enough and it can be enough for you too! 

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(Back to Our Sponsor Val 😉)

I have decided to offer my bonus weekend as an opportunity to spend time with Mijo first & foremost - he was impressed by his brief drive-through Palo Duro Canyon  a few weeks ago - I told him I’d be happy to haul his mule so we could ride through it. And of course, there are many other places we could go to for a nice weekend of riding. He said he would check with Victoria & let me know so I could make the appropriate reservations… before I know it, February’s gonna be here - he’ll be a married man & I certainly will make no demands on his time.

The worst of my soreness has faded away - last night I kept on thinking about the good old “banana stretch” in yoga, which I didn’t have room to do in my bed squeezed between three little dogs. Stretch your arms overhead, curve your body into a C shape, crossing the inner ankle over the outer leg to make the shape of a banana -  it is an excellent stretch - felt so good this morning when I limped over to my yoga room to lie on my mat for a few minutes. I think that’s a little of the “joy” Dr. Deb was talking about

Bon Voyage

 Of course the PEM hits hardest on Day 2, but today’s gonna be ruff, my friends! While yesterday I was bragging that Twoie is so much easier on this ol’ carcass than Baraquinator, this morning I am sore “from nose to toes” - I feel like one of those unfortunate souls who have been beaten & left for dead… But I’ve taken my ibuprofen, it’ll start kicking in soon - I’ll steam myself in the shower & get moving on this fine  Monday morning. (Even P slept in this morning, he said he was “a little bit tired”)

But I gave dear Twoie a rubdown & once again, he is fantastic! - no soreness, no swelling, bright-eyed & bushy-tailed as he dug into his breakfast. Now it’s Decision Time - to haul off to Mississippi & tilt at my next windmill, or take it easy on myself by doing something closer to home? The thought even crossed my mind that I could take advantage of my upcoming 4-day weekend by doing something non-horse related like a quick beach trip…

Of course my trail riding friends are talking about their own upcoming plans as we gave JR his “Bon Voyage barbecue” last night at my friend Susie’s house. While we were in a festive mood (I don’t think we have had any official non-riding gatherings since last fall?), in many ways it had somber undertones. JR of course was looking forward to the future - talking about the mules he would buy & breed as he settles into his brother’s ranch. His estranged wife Carla showed up with their two young adult sons, Carla‘s niece & her three young kids who had a great time splashing in the pool. To me, it looked like Judas’s kiss when they embraced & settled down to socialize, but perhaps I’m just jealous over my own bitter divorce. (However, Tony commented also that it was an odd & awkward situation/presentation)

I was also bitter because the other Carla basically brushed me off & seemed to be avoiding me also - she & her husband sold JR‘s wife the piece of property on which she has built her barndominium, so maybe it is a soft “choosing of the sides”?  I own my feelings; even though it seems very middle-schoolish, I thought Carla Prime was “my” friend!?!

Time to get to work!!!

Two Strikes

 (Not a fair framing of the sitch at all, but ya can’t publish the blog entry without a title!)

After all, it is 100% my fault that Twoie & I failed to secure a completion in yesterday’s 25-mi event…

It’s hard enough trying to mentor one person, let alone two! I’ve been a little bit annoyed with Tony & the self-defeating behaviors he exhibits: two weeks ago, when we were going out for our final training ride (because last weekend was the state veterinary conference = no riding for Val!), he emerged from his house dressed head-to-toe in black, as if he were channeling Johnny Cash? Needless to say, it was not a pleasant ride for him, as temperatures are still pushing into the low 90’s. So I sent him an explicit text message telling him to wear something bright or light-colored - John the ride manager had already warned us it’s bowhunting season so I wore my blaze orange T-shirt.

My second duckling was Terry, a nice lady I met at our camp-out about 6 wks ago - a competitive trail rider who wants to cross over to endurance & see how the other half lives! When Tony & I arrived in camp Friday afternoon, she was all a-flutter because she had ridden a loop with Alice & her mare had a hard time recovering. NBD in actuality - they had been setting a faster pace than I intended to maintain. Terry took her mare back to the vet check & they pronounced her A-OK… but then just to complicate things slightly, Tony announced that he wanted to try the 25 miler too, after he spent most of the trip to camp explaining that he was only doing an Intro (one loop).

Things got off to an awkward start when Tony broke the billet on my Specialized saddle after he didn’t thread the roller buckle correctly - fortunately I had Peran’s old western saddle so we swapped tack around, all seemed well. But our pace flagged, as Terry had to stop on trail for tack adjustments, a potty break halfway, & fixing a loose boot… Tony called it quits after that first 15 mi, so then Terry & I had 2 hrs to complete 11 mi - challenging but doable. But then I allowed Terry to detour to offer the horses water from a shallow pond - I KNEW BETTER!!! I know that many of the ponds at the Grasslands are boggy and we were not that far from camp, maybe 3 miles? Sure enough, Terry’s mare bogged down & gave her an unexpected bath  - poor Twoie almost bogged down too but I had not let him go in that deep!

We wound up overtime by 12 minutes. “Another good training ride” - I am exquisitely proud of Twoie; he performed admirably & I’m sure the 3rd try will be the charm. Poor Terry apologized profusely - of course I shrugged it off & said we had to file it under that “Shit happening” folder.

This afternoon my trail riders are hosting a Bon Voyage BBQ for JR - “one more duty to perform”. I know I see in JR & Carla‘s separation a reflection of my own estrangement & that’s in large part why I’m taking it so hard. But my dear husband wouldn’t even lift his eyes from his phone screen to look at me when I was trying to tell him about our adventures, so I finally just gave up.

Points Well Taken

 This was posted by a FB friend/fellow aged endurance rider who's got about a decade on me..."Hello, pain, my old friend!" - 

100 Miles to Auburn

2d ·

For one reason or another, I have been in a lot of pain much of this year, back pain, leg pain, pain the source of which I have no idea, and pains that are at this point old friends, but occasionally come and stay a little bit longer than I would like. At first, I thought the source was the weight I gained when I quit dieting to get my weight down for Tevis. Make no mistake. I gained quite a bit of that weight back and enjoyed putting on almost every pound but when I realize that it might be causing the pain I was in, I went back on the diet and I’m now just about back down to my Tevis weight. I’m happy about the weight loss, but the pain hasn’t gone away.

The next stop was my pain doc, who didn’t have anything to offer except stuff I’m not willing to undergo yet, strike two. In August, it had gotten so bad that I began to despair of being able to ride endurance anymore, at least at the 50 mile distance. When I didn’t finish the Detroit Horsepower ride, although the pain wasn’t the primary cause, I did sit down and have a long discussion with the riding buddy to see if he had any idea of things that I might do.

Along with the previously stated suggestions to improve my riding style, he did make one rather surprising suggestion. He told me I needed to ride more, not less. As the pain began to take over my thoughts, I had begun adding “rest days“ into my routine until I was barely riding enough to keep myself in some sort of shape, and the horses were only marginally ready to do 50 mile rides. He thought that was a mistake. He suggested that I ride at least 5 to 6 days a week and attempted to do it for longer and longer periods of time. You should treat it like your job. He said “I know you. When you were a doctor you went to work if you didn’t feel good. You went to work if you were sore from working on the farm the day before. You went to work no matter. Well, I think you need to ride through this, not rest through it. Settle down and go to work.”

So that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Today, for the first time, I think I saw some improvement from it. I took Shiloh out today for a 17 1/2 mile ride out on a trail just 15 minutes from my house. We covered it in two hours and 35 minutes. Shiloh was darn near perfect . He stayed smooth. He stayed round, He pushed with his back end. He covered rough ground like it wasn’t there. In short, he felt like every fantasy I’ve ever had of him. I had worked Max over the same trail yesterday and close to the same distance. But I noticed this morning when I got out of bed hat I wasn’t particularly sore. I had no more pain than usual when I mounted Shiloh and when we finished our workout, I was able to care for him without great difficulty. These may sound like small triumphs but triumphs they are, make no mistake. Maybe the riding buddy’s onto something. He’s going to be insufferable.

Silence is Golden

 These moments - lounging around drinking coffee & watching the dogs complete their morning naps - are priceless. Kind of fortuitous that I have so many tabs open on this iPad: I pulled up one “Blogger” tab that had an entry from last year, when we were getting ready to go pick up my aunt’s old blue couch!

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/2024/08/the-buzzards-roost.html

“Every day, in every way, I’m getting better & better!” [10 pts for the movie reference]

At least the worst of that horrible, crushing financial pressure is behind me - even though yes, I’ve still got back taxes to be paid. Peran made the rather abrupt & unilateral decision to go visit his brother in Phoenix this week (he left yesterday morning) - while I know I’m not Tristan‘s favorite person, it was my hazy plan to visit his ex-wife & her family, but obviously now I’ll just make my own arrangements. The state veterinary conference in Fort Worth is next weekend - I told P “If you didn’t want me to come, you could’ve just said so!” to which he had no reply. Nevertheless, I crawled into bed beside him yesterday morning for a few moments of “togetherness” - I could smell the residue of the alcohol he drank Friday night that he had sweated out. That explains some of his weight regain - even though by outward appearances he is as hard-core as ever, it is obvious he has rebounded almost to where he was initially…

I’ve got no room to criticize, as I remain stuck around my 190-lb plateau. I went over Saturday morning to pick up my friend JR‘s mule Katie & her little burro companion, Mr T. It was a very somber occasion: JR is returning to his native Brazil next month, estranged from his wife & recently diagnosed w/Parkinson’s. He needs to return to a country with universal healthcare as he is several years away from getting any Medicare benefits.

And while I’m glad Tony went with me to help in the round up: loading up & unloading many things that JR gave me - horse feed, buckets & grooming supplies, training aids etc. - however, a little bit of dear Tony goes a long way! He walked out yesterday morning for our ride dressed all in black as if he were channeling Johnny Cash, then whaddaya know?  Complained bitterly about the heat when we still had over an hour to get back to the trailer - chugged down 4 water bottles but remained  an unhappy camper until we got settled back in the AC. (Tony had expressed an interest in riding Kate, but I told him she needed more time to settle in)

Rest of the Story

 Insofar as my previous entry sounds like the whining of a petulant toddler, I will continue “writing it out” before deciding if there’s anything worth mailing to A… 

Our last family outing must’ve been in 2006 - the Trenberths convened in PHX, where A & T were visiting her family. This was the disastrous Easter visit - granted P & I were already dealing with some tensions - but P laid his hands on 8-yr old Z, yet failed to apologize after tempers had cooled; we separated for a few weeks but (obviously) reconciled. I will have to ask Z if he has any memories of it (yet another thing for Mom to apologize over)?!? In my mind this incident was like a chain reaction; as I recall A & T’s  separation & eventual divorce occurred the following year.

ANYWAY, I’ve already mentioned my cardinal sin (in Trenberth eyes), which was giving A funds to hire a good attorney when T was blowing his stack & threatening kidnapping charges when A returned to PHX. It seems so strange - here we have my parents’ 69-yr marriage, P’s folks 50-yr one, yet amongst the offspring we have my high-conflict 1st marriage & divorce, followed by tenuous 2nd union w/P. The only enduring relationship was middle brother Ken’s (RIP) 35-yr common-law marriage to Kate?!? (If I’m going to be mailing out letters, I need to mail one to Kate see how she’s holding up as we approach the 2nd anniversary of dear Ken‘s death)

So what I send may turn out to be a cheery “thinking of you” card, with regrets that once again I did not make it out to PHX to visit (A has happily remarried & has a 10-yr old 3rd daughter whom I’ve never met In Real Life; Auntie Val has had to content herself w/the occasional care package!)

The Truth Shall Set You Free**

 (I’m going to type this up as a blog entry & then decide whether I will actually mail the letter - of course y’all need some of the history!)

** yep, I know it’s “my truth” - putting things down in writing is therapeutic to me, & I’ve appreciated insight & feedback from my former sister-in-law if I DO decide to mail the letter!

Peran’s baby brother T (10 yrs younger, that’d make him 49 now) married a nice Hispanic girl from Phoenix shortly after P & I tied the knot in ‘02 (they had “met” & courted online). I had an ominous feeling when T uprooted A to start their married life in the UK (T had initially emigrated to PHX with Yours Truly serving as his sponsor, but wasn't satisfied with the career opportunities he'd found) - I suspected A wouldn’t be happy being so far removed from her family. She returned to PHX with their young daughter when she was pregnant with their 2nd. T has never forgiven me for giving her money for an attorney - it caused conflict between Peran & I also, but I will always presumptively side with the mother unless there is other evidence of neglect or abuse!

Dear A:

       It looks as though you and the girls are well - it’s great seeing all your photos on social media at least! I had high hopes of coordinating a visit, as P was talking about coming out to visit T - however he just announced he is flying out next Sunday (the 21st) & will be staying for a week, which overlaps with my state veterinary conference, my big “team-building event” I’ve taken my staff to for the past several years.

Oh well, there’s another opportunity lost! How foolish of me to imagine that husband & wife might work in tandem towards our common goals; but unfortunately these days P & I seem more like amiable roommates... Things are not-so-amiable when he does things that actively undermine me, however! IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME TO PHOENIX WITH YOU JUST SAY SO!!!

Now I will need to hire a pet-sitter when I leave for the conference - even though I "could" burn up the highway driving back & forth?!? but that would kinda negate the $200/night hotel room...

Miscalculating

 The sorrow will hit me at the oddest times: I will realize no, I can’t pick up the phone & call Charles to tell him about a funny incident, or complain about my life because he’s dead! And yet my life continues to ratchet along like a clackety ol’ freight train - multiple ones churn by my clinic each day, it never slows down.

It feels as if my life is very constrained these days: my time & energy are limited; I seem to be struggling with increasing shortness of breath. More & more it seems like the effort of loading up to go riding is not worth the physical or financial costs and that’s a bad sign for me, “personally” - I know many people (many of whom are members of my trail riding group - while we might have 170'ish members "on paper", in truth we have a core group of maybe 20 riders who Get Out There on a regular basis) for whom their horses are just pasture ornament/pets & while it’s true I’ve got several crippled retirees (I’m looking at you Kizzy, Scarlett, & Moonie!), I adhere to the philosophy that horses do need a job! I got TwoFace registered with AERC, & felt a mild tremor of anticipation - looking at his (at this point) blank record, hoping to fill it up with good memories as he follows in the footsteps of the incomparable Quigley.

Last weekend I gave more of my time & energy away as I drove out to another NATRC ride to serve as an apprentice judge. While it was great to see my “other half” friends & everyone was very thankful/appreciative, it was a lot to ask! I miscalculated the distance by not studying the maps well enough - the ranch was just outside of Abilene, about a 3.5 hr haul by the backroads even though it's only 160 mi away! I took Baraq because I had promised him a road trip with Mommy but did not ride after all - when I had a couple of hours of unstructured time late Saturday afternoon, I was actually preparing to saddle up to go check out the beautiful trails but then Zach called so I sat down to talk to him - I’ll never pass up an opportunity to interact with my boy.

Elaine called it "Wayfarer Out West" for a reason, it was a beautiful isolated ranch adjacent to a National Guard outpost; one of my conspiracy-minded friends was commenting on all of the "chemtrails"... We did have a few moments of drama Saturday evening, when a helicopter gunship made several flyovers of our camp! (I'll try to post a photo - while I didn't yank out my phone, another friend got a few good "action shots") Fortunately none of the horses seemed bothered. But "it's always something" as we had one escapee Sat nigh, then another lady's gelding suffered a mild tying-up episode Sunday morning - which thankfully occurred in camp so she didn't get stuck out on trail.

Recalculating

 Trying to make the best of this holiday weekend, but the weather ain’t cooperating! I “stuck with the plan” yesterday, picking up Tony to haul back to Minneola for a day ride. It rained pretty steadily for most of the day - so much for my smart phone’s “40%” predictions! 

We stopped at the DQ to kill a little time/have a quick snack, but in the end, we wound up just saddling up & riding in the rain! As I told Tony, the whole purpose of these kind of challenging rides is to make you appreciate the luxuries of life, like a hot shower & dry clothing! It was good to catch up with Tony - he had not ridden with me since our 4th of July parade; in his view it’s been “too hot”… he has completed his online radiology technician course; he now has to pass a test to be certified & then he can look for a J*O*B. Getting out of the house & being exposed to a wide spectrum of the human race will be the real learning experience for him…

I have left the trailer hitched with the remote hope that the weather might clear out & I might get in another ride this afternoon or tomorrow, maybe even with my friend Karen? I need to talk to her face-to-face about my concerns about her eldest daughter: I know there’s not much you can do to intervene w/a young adult person** & she doesn’t wanna do anything to jeopardize her relationship with her granddaughter, but Melissa‘s recent social media posts strongly indicate binge drinking if not alcoholism. “I wish I could just stay drunk forever“ seems pretty self-explanatory!

** part of my ex’s rationale for coming down so hard on Zach during his teenage experimentation phase was the fact if you really can’t do much to get treatment for someone who is technically an adult if they won’t sign themselves into a treatment program - whereas for a child, yes of course a parent can. Not that I think that was the right course of action - I would’ve held to the professional recommendations to give him a chance to flunk out of outpatient therapy before imprisoning him in an inpatient program. Perhaps it did have a valuable “scared straight” aspect,  but you would’ve thought it might’ve made an impression on Ex, knowing that his son was the only one in the whole facility who was not there as part of a plea-bargain type legal arrangement?!?

I need to go get a few minor household chores taken care of - moping around that I’m not getting to enjoy trail riding like a small group of my friends who trekked up to Colorado for Labor Day weekend is counterproductive!

Legacy & Memory

 Journaling has been a helpful mental health tool for me since I was a teenager: over the years, I’ve filled multiple notebooks; I regret in a fit of pique I burned a stack of my old ones after H1 read a few & gave me shit about it (actually used that sensitive info as a blunt-force weapon during our ongoing marital wars - he even stole a volume during our divorce & tried to present it is “evidence” that I was an unfit mother! Fortunately the judge wouldn’t allow that “evidence” to be admitted) 

I’ve got a separate blog chronicling those last couple of years of the Custody War & Zach’s tumultuous young adulthood; at some point I’ve contemplated having it printed out as I have done several other volumes of my “work”, ha ha! and gifting it to Zach… I just haven’t figured out the appropriate age? 21 was too young; at 25 he was just getting settled into grown-up life with Victoria (not to mention striving for the finish line of college) - maybe age 30?? And would it be considered a poison-pen gift? I don’t want to cause him additional trauma, above all. But as he asks questions about his father & my’s relationship, as well as my current views as he & Victoria try to navigate forging a marriage - perhaps reading my “Reports from Ground Zero” would be most helpful? It’ll certainly be something to read during his travels! 

No relationship is perfect; everyone makes compromises (duh!) - I called my “childhood boyfriend” to catch up last weekend (we never actually dated, much to my chagrin! since he is 4 yrs older than me - my godmother‘s next-to-youngest son; we were big playmates when we were young) We spoke for an hour & a half on the phone, a “mental health break” for me as anxiety has been gnawing away. His younger brother (3 months younger than me, yikes!) is suffering from early-onset dementia & a big challenge there will be convincing his wife to seek appropriate care for him in their isolated location in SW Texas… As always, “it’s complicated” as I need to fill in a lot of backstory to make it all makes sense!

(Warning: long superfluous backstory here, so you may want to skip to next paragraph!)

My godparents, being good, observant Catholics, had six children. My godmother & Mom  were BFFs since junior high - both got married shortly after HS graduation, but JoPat got quite the head start - having 5 kids before my mom managed to retain her pregnancy with me! I am 3 months older than Paul, but it took me a while to catch up, being a premature infant & all, so my mom delighted in taking out her “twins”, much to my godmother’s chagrin!

Everyone thought Paul & I would end up together, but I guess we had too much familial closeness during our upbringing - Eeew! It would’ve been like kissing your brother for real! I had my romantic sights set on  Paul’s older brother Chris, but with our 4-yr age gap, by the time I joined him in high school, Chris already had a girlfriend - alas! The years passed, Chris married Paula, I married Michael & of course we diverged in our own lives’ directions, touching base briefly at such family events as other weddings, our parents’ 50th anniversaries, then the steady progression of funerals. I can’t help but imagine one of these “paths not taken”…

Full Spectrum

 At least I can still appreciate the glimpse of my little farmhouse in the early morning sun - it is certainly fetching! (& from a distance you don’t notice the faded paint, the chipped siding, or the rotted handrail on the porch - more things on Val’s To Do list, or more accurately, “To Manage” since I certainly won’t be up there slinging paint or doing carpentry!)

I have stayed in my DVM single-mom’s group mostly out of inertia, although I’d like to think I can still offer commiseration & useful advice here & there. Not to mention the “rubbernecker effect”:  “There but by the grace of God go I” - I do appreciate the fact that I was divorced almost 26 years ago, before social media was such a thing. All I got busted for was writing things in my blog decades ago…

My former SIL tells me that my ex was diagnosed with Stage 3 melanoma after he had a “wart” taken off the back of his neck. My mind immediately goes to my frenemy who lost her husband a few months ago from the same damn thing: he didn’t follow up on his melanoma which took about 3 yrs before it metastasized to his liver & took him down. (I almost reached out to K last month to see if she wanted to join us on our little unofficial campout in Fort Stanton, but in the end I left it alone)

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/2025/04/i-keep-dawdling-around-distracting.html

Anyway, in my FB group & elsewhere, it seems like everybody is “on the spectrum” to some degree or another, which from my POV seems to be a way to justify a hell of a lot of bad behavior - obviously I’m just getting to be a cranky old woman! Maybe I’m obtuse myself & I’m reading too much into another friend who seems to be avoiding me when I couldn’t get to her farm call on her schedule (her horses were due at the end of July - I explained vaccines don’t sour like milk; when I called her last week to see about coming out, she had already made other arrangements) I extended what to me seemed like another olive branch, inviting her to ride with me yesterday, but she was preoccupied elsewhere. I am reminded of the old Ann Landers quote: “What other people think of me is none of my business”

The upside is, I took Twoie out on his first solo ride with me yesterday - he did very well, if a little low energy… that’s OK, it’s still the dog days of summer after all! 

                                     Starting from the parking lot, going out to trailhead

                                                     They recently restriped!

Pande-monium

 (Just a catchy title - it’s far from “pandemonium” around here - just in my own head, perhaps? as we have actually entered “The Ides of August”, when things temporally slow down at the veterinary clinic as the kiddos go back to school!)

But I’ve been reflecting on my not-so-ancient history as time keeps ticking on… seems as if I’ve been jumping from crisis to crisis for so long, I don’t know any other way to live? I make a lot of jokes to myself as well as to my closest friends about how badly I need to finish sawing through that gnarly umbilical cord that keeps me engaged/worried about my son & his adventures. It doesn’t help that all I hear about are the crises - one day, Zach is ready to call the whole thing off, but on the next he’s going over to her grandparents for a big family conference. Victoria had asked me about coming on the great wedding dress expedition: I told her of course I’d love to come, but the times I would available would be Wednesday afternoons, Thursdays or the weekend.

She selected her dress yesterday (Monday), texting me after the fact to say she really hoped I could come when it was time to pick up the dress in December. I reiterated that I’d love to & the days I would always be available - I’m not saying I wouldn’t bend the rules to take off on a Monday, Tuesday, or Friday afternoon if that’s when it absolutely positively had to be! So “we’ll see” - I’m not trying to be difficult but these are the facts of my life. (I had texted the kids Sunday afternoon, just to see if they wanted to catch a movie during the heat of the day - they declined because they were shopping for Victoria‘s undergarments for said wedding-dress fittings) V already selected her $800 Louboutin shoes during their “spring break” trip to the Pacific Northwest…

Back to my weirdo word-association games - in lecturing myself about NOT being the overbearing mom or MIL, I recalled the sci-fi flick which I probably exposed my son to at too-young-&-impressionable of an age: "Pandorum". (We didn't see it in the theatre - as I recall I picked it up from the Walmart discount bin, making Z probably 12'ish?) I'm a solid Dennis Quaid fan & he did a good job of portraying the existential horror of being trapped in space w/a malevolent entity... or not??

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1188729/

At least we got in a good 8-mi training ride Sunday morning before the blazing heat o' the day...