Pande-monium

 (Just a catchy title - it’s far from “pandemonium” around here - just in my own head, perhaps? as we have actually entered “The Ides of August”, when things temporally slow down at the veterinary clinic as the kiddos go back to school!)

But I’ve been reflecting on my not-so-ancient history as time keeps ticking on… seems as if I’ve been jumping from crisis to crisis for so long, I don’t know any other way to live? I make a lot of jokes to myself as well as to my closest friends about how badly I need to finish sawing through that gnarly umbilical cord that keeps me engaged/worried about my son & his adventures. It doesn’t help that all I hear about are the crises - one day, Zach is ready to call the whole thing off, but on the next he’s going over to her grandparents for a big family conference. Victoria had asked me about coming on the great wedding dress expedition: I told her of course I’d love to come, but the times I would available would be Wednesday afternoons, Thursdays or the weekend.

She selected her dress yesterday (Monday), texting me after the fact to say she really hoped I could come when it was time to pick up the dress in December. I reiterated that I’d love to & the days I would always be available - I’m not saying I wouldn’t bend the rules to take off on a Monday, Tuesday, or Friday afternoon if that’s when it absolutely positively had to be! So “we’ll see” - I’m not trying to be difficult but these are the facts of my life. (I had texted the kids Sunday afternoon, just to see if they wanted to catch a movie during the heat of the day - they declined because they were shopping for Victoria‘s undergarments for said wedding-dress fittings) V already selected her $800 Louboutin shoes during their “spring break” trip to the Pacific Northwest…

Back to my weirdo word-association games - in lecturing myself about NOT being the overbearing mom or MIL, I recalled the sci-fi flick which I probably exposed my son to at too-young-&-impressionable of an age: "Pandorum". (We didn't see it in the theatre - as I recall I picked it up from the Walmart discount bin, making Z probably 12'ish?) I'm a solid Dennis Quaid fan & he did a good job of portraying the existential horror of being trapped in space w/a malevolent entity... or not??

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1188729/

At least we got in a good 8-mi training ride Sunday morning before the blazing heat o' the day...

Carousel

 Whelp Tina Fea is obviously part cat, she’s on about Life 6 now… She has perked up & started eating again, which I blame on getting near the end of the bag/her food being a little bit stale! So obviously I will just have to buy the smaller bags & go to the store more often 😳

My colleague (Dr L the surgeon) called me Friday night when I was trying to figure out my way into a new-to-me horse camp** - fortunately the gallbladder tumor was benign, everything else is basically OK with mild stomach inflammation. I will need to give her another round of antibiotics. She even begged a piece of cheese off of Christina after our ride, the little fart! Unfortunately, I slept poorly because I still have an infestation of little black ants in my horse trailer - I went & bought some new ant baits.

** Quick overnight trip to Mineola: several people were planning on going, but the threat of rain & for Sam, family illness caused them to cancel. It was a test run for Catie to ride my Specialized saddle on Baraq; it fit both of them well! Unfortunately I couldn’t be in two places at once - my friend Lisa‘s brother-in-law‘s funeral was also on Saturday, but I just sent a nice dish garden. I felt a few twinges of guilt, but I think pre-existing promises to the living superseded paying my respects to the deceased. Certainly Lisa herself has been as gracious as ever - I would love to get a transfusion of her positive attitude!

Perhaps the universe gave me a love tap - I got up Sunday morning with a painful L ankle - I wish I knew what in the hell I did to it?!? The pain was localized at the bottom aspect of my lateral shin but it was not bruised? It’s as if I have a shin splint right above the ankle - it’s not in the joint itself or the ligaments…

I bought myself a neoprene ankle brace from Walgreens which has helped a little bit, but I’m still very crippled. It’s frustrating because I accomplished next-to-nothing that I wanted to do; I was confined to my recliner on Sunday and limped around most of the day Monday. By Tuesday it was slowly improving - an awkward dismount maybe??

In other news, the lovebirds are disagreeing about their pseudo-elopement plans so there may not be a wedding after all?!? I am trying to stay somewhat neutral but I think Victoria needs to recognize the grandiosity of her plans may not match up with the reality of what they can afford. Zach spoke harshly to her when she was whining about not having her grandma there, but as I said, what they had lined up had 16 members of her family while Zach had 5: Peran & I plus his 3 best friends (aren’t you required to have a bachelor party in Vegas?!?)

Victoria‘s parents were mere teenagers - 17 & 18 when they had her; their shotgun marriage didn’t last any time at all. Andy & Adela wound up fighting an extensive court battle to wrest custody from Celeste, who had neglected Victoria badly. “It’s complicated” as most family matters are, but Zach fears that inviting Joe & Celeste (V’s bio parents) could ignite a firestorm, spreading to the aunt, uncles & cousins and taking the focus away from what it should be, which is Zach & Victoria‘s union. Besides, it’s no longer a simple elopement when you have 23 people involved!?!

In other news, I’m so discouraged at the many ways my body seems to be failing me these days. If it’s not my ankle, it’s pains spreading up into my knees & hips! I was awakened several times last night just by shifting positions. Part of this I can blame on a crappy old mattress, but still?!? Guess I’m going to have to start taking preventative ibuprofen or naproxen at bedtime. I have been following several tai chi practitioners on Instagram, but I still need to do the exercises - it’s discouraging when I’m out of breath after half-a-dozen arm swings, or falling off balance from simple calf raises! “The longest journey begins with a single step” as I well know; but even as a weekend warrior I’ve never found myself as far down in the hole before! I am dismayed every time I walk past my rusting tricycle in the garage, still haven’t made the time to take her into the bike shop.

The Universe in a Blade of Grass

 (or a tiny Chihuahua)

I was misremembering my poets: I thought the “universe in a blade of grass” quote was Eliot (my favorite poet - go figure, right?!?) but that’s actually Whitman…

I was meditating upon this as I try to transfer love & healing energy to dear lil’ Tina Fea - Tuesday night she was on another hunger strike. Initially, I blamed it on slightly stale food, so I went out & bought her a new bag of Fresh Pet. She still only ate a few nuggets & vomited in our bed overnight. Last night she was sincerely interested in my Salisbury steak, so I fed her a few bites of that. So far so good - she seems to be resting comfortably with no more nausea. I was really hoping to hear something on her biopsy reports (while Dr L was in there, he took biopsy samples from her stomach, liver, upper & lower intestinal tract with of course the gallbladder tumor being the most worrisome. I told him “in for a penny/in for a pound” - might as well do the full GI exploratory!) Hopefully I’ll hear something today. And even if I don’t save her, at least I did my best to give the best chance at life these last few months. Even these small gestures are worthwhile - if I’m not leading by example WTH am I doing?!?

This distracts me from the social media posts from my friends in Michigan at the Shore to Shore ride: a 5-d/265 mi peninsula-crossing expedition for those who undertook the full challenge. (If I had been able to go, I would’ve settled for 25 mi each day, which requires a crewmember to transport you & your equine between checkpoints) I had actually spoken to Peran about it, but when push came to shove I couldn’t make it work - not when I was determined to have my summer pilgrimage to Ft Stanton. Catie & I will have to settle for a day trip to Mineola (new-to-me E TX trails which look nice)

https://www.mineolanaturepreserve.com/o/naturepreserve/page/equestrian-trails

The Human-Animal Bond

 (a misnomer as soon as I typed it out - but it’s how the topic was presented to us as veterinary students… as it amuses me to no end when some people get greatly offended when humans are categorized as the animals which we certainly are! Very clever, technologically brilliant, philosophically-oriented naked apes but part of the animal kingdom just the same. A more correct phrasing might be “Human & non-human companion animal bonding” - probably too clunky, it will never catch on!)

The great news is, my little companion animal Tina Fea came through her surgery with flying colors. Dr L removed her diseased gallbladder & biopsied her stomach & liver as well as a couple of sites along her intestinal tract. I’m getting my day lined up to pick her up in triumph this afternoon, bearing sandwich trays for the staff (hope no one is vegan). I’ve started returning to my assisted-stretch appointments even though I haven’t done much of anything to earn them in the way of physical activity. Then, last but not least, I’ll be trekking to my attorney’s office in Frisco for the minor settlement in my personal injury case. 

Another very welcome piece of good news is the fact that somehow, Zach has convinced Victoria that a mini-elopement to Vegas is the best way for them to start married life together. He has booked the Little White Wedding Chapel, where my girl Misti & her husband Travis got married for Valentine’s Day ‘26. Their package includes 10 guests - causing me a minor heart spasm when Zach plaintively asked if I was certain Peran wanted to go because “I’m not even sure if he likes me sometimes”! Honey, I’m not sure how much he likes me sometimes!?! 

I did not disclose this to Peran as we were doing mundane Married Couple Things like selecting a new dishwasher last night, but I solemnly swear we’ll have that talk at some point. Years ago, I bitched to my closest friends that the best route to my heart was treating my son well - while Peran was a great stepdad when Zach was little, the challenges of teenage-&-young adulthood did not sit well with him. A fundamental difference of opinion: I told him I thought P’s parents had done him wrong - which basically involved putting Peran out with 3 cardboard boxes containing his earthly possessions when he was 18. Nevermind that everything turned out all right for Peran - we live in a different culture & a different world now. But apparently Peran can’t see past his own blinders…

In other news, another death in the family, so to speak - as my friend Lisa lost her brother-in-law basically due to complications from ignoring his periodontal disease (he developed septicemia & had already been undergoing dialysis for kidney failure). It was a miserable way to go 😔

The Power of Memory

 Another rough night (ugh), bcz “today’s the day”: I’ve got to trek up to the Surgery Center to hand over precious Tina Fea to my colleague/classmate for her gallbladder surgery. Cue the anxiety dreams - am I doing right by her? The surgery itself will be challenging, she’ll hate the hospital, as always there could be complications… This might be a one-way trip; I’m still excavating myself from tax & CC debts, & yet I’m gonna sink “???” in a rescued Chihuahua, a sunk-cost fallacy if there ever was one! (When she was doing so poorly after I initially rescued her, there were several times when I debated “pulling the plug” - if there’s one life lesson I have learned the hard way, it is that you can’t save ‘em all)

I had to go look up my post from those early days (Nov '24):

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/2024/11/sisyphuss-travels.html

My bladder got me up at 2:45, as I tossed & turned throughout the rest of my mini dark night of the soul, I dreamt that instead of taking Tina Fea to the Dallas Surgery Center, I had returned with her to the vet school. I wandered around the cavernous lecture hall, noticing that my classmates had these albums which were obviously some sort of homework assignment. An intern came over to collect Tina Fea from me, exchanging my tiny dog for one. Once again I was a “day late & a dollar short” - somehow a successful outcome for Tina Fea was linked to my completion of this task? What foggy confusion when I awoke - who can figure out the convolutions of the subconscious mind?

Charles & Janis placed great stock in dream analysis, & if I had to pick a side, I would say I’m more of a Jungian disciple than one of Freud. Overall I’d just rather it all made more sense…C’mon coffee, help me out!!!

Social Commentary Courtesy of FB

 (Occasionally I come across worthwhile content on FB, which is why I "keep coming back" - but full disclosure, I never watched the entirety of either The Sopranos or Mad Men... The Sopranos lost me around Season 3 with nonsense about the racehorse, while Mad Men didn't go off the rails until around Season 5. However, I was mesmerized by the towering arc of Breaking Bad - with Zach & I going to the theatre for a special anniversary showing of the finale. But I was well aware all along that Walter White was Ozymandias, a cautionary figure not "the hero"!)

Charlotte Clymer   · 

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I can't help but feel lately that the "Golden Age of Television" unintentionally enabled a lot of shitty behavior in some men by placing too much faith in them to be introspective about the shows they're watching. I've been thinking about this a lot.

1999: "Okay, so, my vision for this is the Great American Novel as a television series. It follows a New Jersey mob boss. He's ruthlessly violent and corrupt, but he does love his family. Even though he has power and respect, he's miserable and regretful most of the time, which is why much of the show will take place in a therapist's office. The juxtaposition between his violent crimes and peaceful domesticity create a tension that will entertain viewers and also make them question what 'evil' really looks like, if anything. It's also one giant commentary about the American Dream and whether it's really attainable at all."

Dudebros in 1999 and ever since: FUCK YEAH I LOVE THIS SHOW YEAH TONY I WANNA BE TONY SO BAD

2007: "My series is about a Manhattan advertising executive who builds the picture perfect life of an upper middle class suburban white family in the mid-20th century. He's able to do this by being a high functioning sociopath who steals a dead man's identity and allows his childhood family to believe he's died in the Korean War. He's alcoholic, manipulative, exploitative, and ruthless. But he does love his children and he's very attractive and could talk a tree into a wood chipper. That said, he's miserable and regretful most of the time. It's also one giant commentary about the American Dream and whether it's really attainable at all, with some feminist themes thrown in there for good measure."

Dudebros in 2007 and ever since: FUCK YEAH DON I LOVE THIS SHOW I WANNA BE DON SO BAD

2008: "My series is about a mild-mannered high school chemistry teacher who's just been diagnosed with stage-three lung cancer. He's extremely smart and capable, but he's also resentful over how he feels life dealt him some shitty cards. He cooks and sells meth at first to pay for his medical treatment and that morphs into a drug empire over time. He claims to love his wife and children but constantly puts them in harm's way. He is unequivocally a bad person by the end of the series. Many innocent people die because of him. He ultimately has no truly redeeming qualities, but he's involved in some really cool plot lines that are entertaining. It's also one giant commentary about the American Dream and whether it's really attainable at all."

Dudebros in 2008 and ever since: FUCK YEAH WALTER WHITE I LOVE THIS SHOW I AM THE DANGER

I'm just saying... there's clearly a pattern here.

Delayed Photo Dump (4th of July)

 Lining up for the parade...

                                                        Marina & Silas

                                               Karen lead-lined her granddaughter

I persuaded Marina that Buttercup the ball python was a good fashion accessory :-)