The Road Goes On Forever

 Lying here dully in my recliner, trying to get my blood moving after a rough night - unfortunately I fell back into a fitful sleep at 6 AM, which made it really hard to peel myself off the mattress…

But “peel” I must as I contemplate my long “To Do” list today. First disappointment is that Mijo signed himself up for a Warhammer tournament this weekend - he forgot or conveniently ignored all the suggestions I sent him about things we could do on this upcoming weekend. So I have shifted lanes, deciding to take poor Moonshine to my colleague in the Panhandle for a consultation about surgery for his navicular disease. It’s time to quit avoiding the reality: I’ve got him on the maximum dose of anti-inflammatory medications, yet he’s still profoundly crippled. If I can’t get him more comfortable, I’m gonna have to put him down…

Of course I will take advantage of the travel to go by San Angelo State Park & revisit those lovely trails, but while I was envisioning a revitalizing solo trip, Tony got wind of my plans & has basically invited himself along. I thought I had an easy out because his gelding was very tender-footed on the rocks we traversed last weekend at Glen Rose - but whaddaya know? he’s having the farrier out this afternoon. I wish he was this proactive about his job search!

I could’ve titled this “in for a penny, in for a pound” - a little bit of Tony goes a long way but I feel obligated because of my long friendship with his dad Rodney to play my minor part in helping show Tony a little bit of the big broad world as he (hopefully) launches himself into adulthood. I can feel the edge of Rodney’s anxiety - I felt the same way several years ago, when I honestly didn’t know if my son was ever going to make it off the launch pad to complete his college degree & make something of himself.

Last weekend's expedition - a return to the beautiful Wyatt Ranch

A FB Post courtesy of Dr Deb Johnson

I haven’t been sleeping well for the past month or two.  Those of you women who are on the top of the hill or falling down the other side can probably relate to what I am lamenting about.  Menopause messes up so much in ones body that it seems to lose its ability to get good sleep.  It is very frustrating and it makes each day a bit more difficult because after a few or more years of not getting consistent good sleep, you just struggle to have the same tenacity for the daily grind.

I love being a veterinarian and I would not trade what a I do for anything but there are times when it just feels heavier than usual. Sometimes there are reasons, cases that go bad, animals that you think should get better and they don’t, the inability to know what you need to know to save an animal, trying to be everything that everyone else needs you to be but you know that you can’t be.  Then if you throw being a business owner on top of that with 35 employees and all their struggles and their desires or lack there of and it makes one very weary sometimes.  

The past few months everything has felt heavier than usual.  Not for any one reason, just the sheer desire to be able to do what needs done, to be what everyone needs me to be, and to try and not lose myself in all of it.  If you are a veterinarian you live and work every single day in fear of upsetting someone and being turned into the veterinary board.  You feel this constant need to be perfect for everyone so you don’t get into trouble and it is impossible to know everything you need to know, so it drains you of all joy and if you aren’t careful it destroys your life.  If you want to know a huge part of the reason that veterinary medicine has become so outrageously priced, practicing to cover your ass is the second on the list!  Force people to do everything so that you can defend yourself if something happens, if something goes wrong.  It makes everyone feel bad, client and vet alike. 

You have no idea the fear that exists in every veterinarian because of this.  Animals aren’t like people and they can’t talk and they can’t tell you anything and it is impossible to know what they are feeling or where they are feeling it and yet clients and the vet board expect you to be perfect and never not know.  I would suggest that this is probably the greatest reason that people leave the profession because it is just too much to worry about day after day after day.  If you force clients to do everything so that you can defend your license, they can’t afford it and you have to kill their animal and that makes you feel like shit for killing something that you could have saved and if you try to save it by doing less and it doesn’t work out and the client gets pissed then the board disciplines you so heavily that it just doesn’t feel worth it any more.  

It is very easy to get headed down a road that leads to misery and unhappiness when one starts to dwell too much on all that could happen!  It is very easy to get depressed and upset when one chooses to worry about the potential for bad.  It is very easy to end up in a ditch on the side of life and to give up because you allowed the weight of it all to stay and you got weak and crashed.  It is very easy to get there but you don’t have to go there!  

There are no perfect veterinarians.  There are no perfect people.  We are all just humans doing our best and that has to be enough!  If you are at a spot in life where you are discouraged and everything feels heavy, stop and sit on the side of the road for a minute and choose to look for the good.  Stop the negative, what could happens, feeling sorry for yourself, and think about all the good that you do with your life.  It doesn’t matter what you do, you are doing good for someone.  Your spouse, your kids, your fellow employees, your parents, your family, your boss, your employees, your clients, there is good that you do or you wouldn’t be doing what you are doing!  You have a choice on what you choose to think about and how you choose to live each day.

We all get weary and tired and down, that is normal and it is ok.  What is not ok is allowing yourself to get stuck there!  It is a choice!  You are choosing to dwell on the ugly, the negative, the hard, the failure, the struggle instead of the good.  There is good in everything.  Even as I type this I have so many thoughts of different patients that have turned out good, clients who are kind, people who appreciate what we do.  Your mind is your greatest asset and yet so often we fail to use it for good for ourselves!   We get tired and we get weak and we start dwelling on the negative and it all gets worse, take back control and choose your road and choose happiness on that road.

Life is heavy for everyone, life is hard for everyone, life gets overwhelming.  It is not all of those things that matter but rather what you do with those things that matters.  Feel the weight, invest the time in thinking about what you did and if you can change anything to be better and then make a plan and move on!  One cannot carry with them all the failures of their life or it will crush you!  One cannot go through life and spend it worrying about all that could happen!  Instead of letting it all become too much, take a few moments, feel sorry for yourself, go through your burdens and then get rid of them and move on.  Carrying it with you only makes your life harder and that is a choice that you are making.  I will never be perfect and I will never get it right every time but I can do my best and I can do better at communicating and I can choose to find joy in what I do.  And that my friends, is the best that I can do and it is enough and it can be enough for you too! 

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(Back to Our Sponsor Val 😉)

I have decided to offer my bonus weekend as an opportunity to spend time with Mijo first & foremost - he was impressed by his brief drive-through Palo Duro Canyon  a few weeks ago - I told him I’d be happy to haul his mule so we could ride through it. And of course, there are many other places we could go to for a nice weekend of riding. He said he would check with Victoria & let me know so I could make the appropriate reservations… before I know it, February’s gonna be here - he’ll be a married man & I certainly will make no demands on his time.

The worst of my soreness has faded away - last night I kept on thinking about the good old “banana stretch” in yoga, which I didn’t have room to do in my bed squeezed between three little dogs. Stretch your arms overhead, curve your body into a C shape, crossing the inner ankle over the outer leg to make the shape of a banana -  it is an excellent stretch - felt so good this morning when I limped over to my yoga room to lie on my mat for a few minutes. I think that’s a little of the “joy” Dr. Deb was talking about

Bon Voyage

 Of course the PEM hits hardest on Day 2, but today’s gonna be ruff, my friends! While yesterday I was bragging that Twoie is so much easier on this ol’ carcass than Baraquinator, this morning I am sore “from nose to toes” - I feel like one of those unfortunate souls who have been beaten & left for dead… But I’ve taken my ibuprofen, it’ll start kicking in soon - I’ll steam myself in the shower & get moving on this fine  Monday morning. (Even P slept in this morning, he said he was “a little bit tired”)

But I gave dear Twoie a rubdown & once again, he is fantastic! - no soreness, no swelling, bright-eyed & bushy-tailed as he dug into his breakfast. Now it’s Decision Time - to haul off to Mississippi & tilt at my next windmill, or take it easy on myself by doing something closer to home? The thought even crossed my mind that I could take advantage of my upcoming 4-day weekend by doing something non-horse related like a quick beach trip…

Of course my trail riding friends are talking about their own upcoming plans as we gave JR his “Bon Voyage barbecue” last night at my friend Susie’s house. While we were in a festive mood (I don’t think we have had any official non-riding gatherings since last fall?), in many ways it had somber undertones. JR of course was looking forward to the future - talking about the mules he would buy & breed as he settles into his brother’s ranch. His estranged wife Carla showed up with their two young adult sons, Carla‘s niece & her three young kids who had a great time splashing in the pool. To me, it looked like Judas’s kiss when they embraced & settled down to socialize, but perhaps I’m just jealous over my own bitter divorce. (However, Tony commented also that it was an odd & awkward situation/presentation)

I was also bitter because the other Carla basically brushed me off & seemed to be avoiding me also - she & her husband sold JR‘s wife the piece of property on which she has built her barndominium, so maybe it is a soft “choosing of the sides”?  I own my feelings; even though it seems very middle-schoolish, I thought Carla Prime was “my” friend!?!

Time to get to work!!!

Two Strikes

 (Not a fair framing of the sitch at all, but ya can’t publish the blog entry without a title!)

After all, it is 100% my fault that Twoie & I failed to secure a completion in yesterday’s 25-mi event…

It’s hard enough trying to mentor one person, let alone two! I’ve been a little bit annoyed with Tony & the self-defeating behaviors he exhibits: two weeks ago, when we were going out for our final training ride (because last weekend was the state veterinary conference = no riding for Val!), he emerged from his house dressed head-to-toe in black, as if he were channeling Johnny Cash? Needless to say, it was not a pleasant ride for him, as temperatures are still pushing into the low 90’s. So I sent him an explicit text message telling him to wear something bright or light-colored - John the ride manager had already warned us it’s bowhunting season so I wore my blaze orange T-shirt.

My second duckling was Terry, a nice lady I met at our camp-out about 6 wks ago - a competitive trail rider who wants to cross over to endurance & see how the other half lives! When Tony & I arrived in camp Friday afternoon, she was all a-flutter because she had ridden a loop with Alice & her mare had a hard time recovering. NBD in actuality - they had been setting a faster pace than I intended to maintain. Terry took her mare back to the vet check & they pronounced her A-OK… but then just to complicate things slightly, Tony announced that he wanted to try the 25 miler too, after he spent most of the trip to camp explaining that he was only doing an Intro (one loop).

Things got off to an awkward start when Tony broke the billet on my Specialized saddle after he didn’t thread the roller buckle correctly - fortunately I had Peran’s old western saddle so we swapped tack around, all seemed well. But our pace flagged, as Terry had to stop on trail for tack adjustments, a potty break halfway, & fixing a loose boot… Tony called it quits after that first 15 mi, so then Terry & I had 2 hrs to complete 11 mi - challenging but doable. But then I allowed Terry to detour to offer the horses water from a shallow pond - I KNEW BETTER!!! I know that many of the ponds at the Grasslands are boggy and we were not that far from camp, maybe 3 miles? Sure enough, Terry’s mare bogged down & gave her an unexpected bath  - poor Twoie almost bogged down too but I had not let him go in that deep!

We wound up overtime by 12 minutes. “Another good training ride” - I am exquisitely proud of Twoie; he performed admirably & I’m sure the 3rd try will be the charm. Poor Terry apologized profusely - of course I shrugged it off & said we had to file it under that “Shit happening” folder.

This afternoon my trail riders are hosting a Bon Voyage BBQ for JR - “one more duty to perform”. I know I see in JR & Carla‘s separation a reflection of my own estrangement & that’s in large part why I’m taking it so hard. But my dear husband wouldn’t even lift his eyes from his phone screen to look at me when I was trying to tell him about our adventures, so I finally just gave up.

Points Well Taken

 This was posted by a FB friend/fellow aged endurance rider who's got about a decade on me..."Hello, pain, my old friend!" - 

100 Miles to Auburn

2d ·

For one reason or another, I have been in a lot of pain much of this year, back pain, leg pain, pain the source of which I have no idea, and pains that are at this point old friends, but occasionally come and stay a little bit longer than I would like. At first, I thought the source was the weight I gained when I quit dieting to get my weight down for Tevis. Make no mistake. I gained quite a bit of that weight back and enjoyed putting on almost every pound but when I realize that it might be causing the pain I was in, I went back on the diet and I’m now just about back down to my Tevis weight. I’m happy about the weight loss, but the pain hasn’t gone away.

The next stop was my pain doc, who didn’t have anything to offer except stuff I’m not willing to undergo yet, strike two. In August, it had gotten so bad that I began to despair of being able to ride endurance anymore, at least at the 50 mile distance. When I didn’t finish the Detroit Horsepower ride, although the pain wasn’t the primary cause, I did sit down and have a long discussion with the riding buddy to see if he had any idea of things that I might do.

Along with the previously stated suggestions to improve my riding style, he did make one rather surprising suggestion. He told me I needed to ride more, not less. As the pain began to take over my thoughts, I had begun adding “rest days“ into my routine until I was barely riding enough to keep myself in some sort of shape, and the horses were only marginally ready to do 50 mile rides. He thought that was a mistake. He suggested that I ride at least 5 to 6 days a week and attempted to do it for longer and longer periods of time. You should treat it like your job. He said “I know you. When you were a doctor you went to work if you didn’t feel good. You went to work if you were sore from working on the farm the day before. You went to work no matter. Well, I think you need to ride through this, not rest through it. Settle down and go to work.”

So that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Today, for the first time, I think I saw some improvement from it. I took Shiloh out today for a 17 1/2 mile ride out on a trail just 15 minutes from my house. We covered it in two hours and 35 minutes. Shiloh was darn near perfect . He stayed smooth. He stayed round, He pushed with his back end. He covered rough ground like it wasn’t there. In short, he felt like every fantasy I’ve ever had of him. I had worked Max over the same trail yesterday and close to the same distance. But I noticed this morning when I got out of bed hat I wasn’t particularly sore. I had no more pain than usual when I mounted Shiloh and when we finished our workout, I was able to care for him without great difficulty. These may sound like small triumphs but triumphs they are, make no mistake. Maybe the riding buddy’s onto something. He’s going to be insufferable.

Silence is Golden

 These moments - lounging around drinking coffee & watching the dogs complete their morning naps - are priceless. Kind of fortuitous that I have so many tabs open on this iPad: I pulled up one “Blogger” tab that had an entry from last year, when we were getting ready to go pick up my aunt’s old blue couch!

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/2024/08/the-buzzards-roost.html

“Every day, in every way, I’m getting better & better!” [10 pts for the movie reference]

At least the worst of that horrible, crushing financial pressure is behind me - even though yes, I’ve still got back taxes to be paid. Peran made the rather abrupt & unilateral decision to go visit his brother in Phoenix this week (he left yesterday morning) - while I know I’m not Tristan‘s favorite person, it was my hazy plan to visit his ex-wife & her family, but obviously now I’ll just make my own arrangements. The state veterinary conference in Fort Worth is next weekend - I told P “If you didn’t want me to come, you could’ve just said so!” to which he had no reply. Nevertheless, I crawled into bed beside him yesterday morning for a few moments of “togetherness” - I could smell the residue of the alcohol he drank Friday night that he had sweated out. That explains some of his weight regain - even though by outward appearances he is as hard-core as ever, it is obvious he has rebounded almost to where he was initially…

I’ve got no room to criticize, as I remain stuck around my 190-lb plateau. I went over Saturday morning to pick up my friend JR‘s mule Katie & her little burro companion, Mr T. It was a very somber occasion: JR is returning to his native Brazil next month, estranged from his wife & recently diagnosed w/Parkinson’s. He needs to return to a country with universal healthcare as he is several years away from getting any Medicare benefits.

And while I’m glad Tony went with me to help in the round up: loading up & unloading many things that JR gave me - horse feed, buckets & grooming supplies, training aids etc. - however, a little bit of dear Tony goes a long way! He walked out yesterday morning for our ride dressed all in black as if he were channeling Johnny Cash, then whaddaya know?  Complained bitterly about the heat when we still had over an hour to get back to the trailer - chugged down 4 water bottles but remained  an unhappy camper until we got settled back in the AC. (Tony had expressed an interest in riding Kate, but I told him she needed more time to settle in)

Rest of the Story

 Insofar as my previous entry sounds like the whining of a petulant toddler, I will continue “writing it out” before deciding if there’s anything worth mailing to A… 

Our last family outing must’ve been in 2006 - the Trenberths convened in PHX, where A & T were visiting her family. This was the disastrous Easter visit - granted P & I were already dealing with some tensions - but P laid his hands on 8-yr old Z, yet failed to apologize after tempers had cooled; we separated for a few weeks but (obviously) reconciled. I will have to ask Z if he has any memories of it (yet another thing for Mom to apologize over)?!? In my mind this incident was like a chain reaction; as I recall A & T’s  separation & eventual divorce occurred the following year.

ANYWAY, I’ve already mentioned my cardinal sin (in Trenberth eyes), which was giving A funds to hire a good attorney when T was blowing his stack & threatening kidnapping charges when A returned to PHX. It seems so strange - here we have my parents’ 69-yr marriage, P’s folks 50-yr one, yet amongst the offspring we have my high-conflict 1st marriage & divorce, followed by tenuous 2nd union w/P. The only enduring relationship was middle brother Ken’s (RIP) 35-yr common-law marriage to Kate?!? (If I’m going to be mailing out letters, I need to mail one to Kate see how she’s holding up as we approach the 2nd anniversary of dear Ken‘s death)

So what I send may turn out to be a cheery “thinking of you” card, with regrets that once again I did not make it out to PHX to visit (A has happily remarried & has a 10-yr old 3rd daughter whom I’ve never met In Real Life; Auntie Val has had to content herself w/the occasional care package!)