Points Well Taken

 This was posted by a FB friend/fellow aged endurance rider who's got about a decade on me..."Hello, pain, my old friend!" - 

100 Miles to Auburn

2d ·

For one reason or another, I have been in a lot of pain much of this year, back pain, leg pain, pain the source of which I have no idea, and pains that are at this point old friends, but occasionally come and stay a little bit longer than I would like. At first, I thought the source was the weight I gained when I quit dieting to get my weight down for Tevis. Make no mistake. I gained quite a bit of that weight back and enjoyed putting on almost every pound but when I realize that it might be causing the pain I was in, I went back on the diet and I’m now just about back down to my Tevis weight. I’m happy about the weight loss, but the pain hasn’t gone away.

The next stop was my pain doc, who didn’t have anything to offer except stuff I’m not willing to undergo yet, strike two. In August, it had gotten so bad that I began to despair of being able to ride endurance anymore, at least at the 50 mile distance. When I didn’t finish the Detroit Horsepower ride, although the pain wasn’t the primary cause, I did sit down and have a long discussion with the riding buddy to see if he had any idea of things that I might do.

Along with the previously stated suggestions to improve my riding style, he did make one rather surprising suggestion. He told me I needed to ride more, not less. As the pain began to take over my thoughts, I had begun adding “rest days“ into my routine until I was barely riding enough to keep myself in some sort of shape, and the horses were only marginally ready to do 50 mile rides. He thought that was a mistake. He suggested that I ride at least 5 to 6 days a week and attempted to do it for longer and longer periods of time. You should treat it like your job. He said “I know you. When you were a doctor you went to work if you didn’t feel good. You went to work if you were sore from working on the farm the day before. You went to work no matter. Well, I think you need to ride through this, not rest through it. Settle down and go to work.”

So that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Today, for the first time, I think I saw some improvement from it. I took Shiloh out today for a 17 1/2 mile ride out on a trail just 15 minutes from my house. We covered it in two hours and 35 minutes. Shiloh was darn near perfect . He stayed smooth. He stayed round, He pushed with his back end. He covered rough ground like it wasn’t there. In short, he felt like every fantasy I’ve ever had of him. I had worked Max over the same trail yesterday and close to the same distance. But I noticed this morning when I got out of bed hat I wasn’t particularly sore. I had no more pain than usual when I mounted Shiloh and when we finished our workout, I was able to care for him without great difficulty. These may sound like small triumphs but triumphs they are, make no mistake. Maybe the riding buddy’s onto something. He’s going to be insufferable.

Silence is Golden

 These moments - lounging around drinking coffee & watching the dogs complete their morning naps - are priceless. Kind of fortuitous that I have so many tabs open on this iPad: I pulled up one “Blogger” tab that had an entry from last year, when we were getting ready to go pick up my aunt’s old blue couch!

https://endurovetssparkjourney.blogspot.com/2024/08/the-buzzards-roost.html

“Every day, in every way, I’m getting better & better!” [10 pts for the movie reference]

At least the worst of that horrible, crushing financial pressure is behind me - even though yes, I’ve still got back taxes to be paid. Peran made the rather abrupt & unilateral decision to go visit his brother in Phoenix this week (he left yesterday morning) - while I know I’m not Tristan‘s favorite person, it was my hazy plan to visit his ex-wife & her family, but obviously now I’ll just make my own arrangements. The state veterinary conference in Fort Worth is next weekend - I told P “If you didn’t want me to come, you could’ve just said so!” to which he had no reply. Nevertheless, I crawled into bed beside him yesterday morning for a few moments of “togetherness” - I could smell the residue of the alcohol he drank Friday night that he had sweated out. That explains some of his weight regain - even though by outward appearances he is as hard-core as ever, it is obvious he has rebounded almost to where he was initially…

I’ve got no room to criticize, as I remain stuck around my 190-lb plateau. I went over Saturday morning to pick up my friend JR‘s mule Katie & her little burro companion, Mr T. It was a very somber occasion: JR is returning to his native Brazil next month, estranged from his wife & recently diagnosed w/Parkinson’s. He needs to return to a country with universal healthcare as he is several years away from getting any Medicare benefits.

And while I’m glad Tony went with me to help in the round up: loading up & unloading many things that JR gave me - horse feed, buckets & grooming supplies, training aids etc. - however, a little bit of dear Tony goes a long way! He walked out yesterday morning for our ride dressed all in black as if he were channeling Johnny Cash, then whaddaya know?  Complained bitterly about the heat when we still had over an hour to get back to the trailer - chugged down 4 water bottles but remained  an unhappy camper until we got settled back in the AC. (Tony had expressed an interest in riding Kate, but I told him she needed more time to settle in)

Rest of the Story

 Insofar as my previous entry sounds like the whining of a petulant toddler, I will continue “writing it out” before deciding if there’s anything worth mailing to A… 

Our last family outing must’ve been in 2006 - the Trenberths convened in PHX, where A & T were visiting her family. This was the disastrous Easter visit - granted P & I were already dealing with some tensions - but P laid his hands on 8-yr old Z, yet failed to apologize after tempers had cooled; we separated for a few weeks but (obviously) reconciled. I will have to ask Z if he has any memories of it (yet another thing for Mom to apologize over)?!? In my mind this incident was like a chain reaction; as I recall A & T’s  separation & eventual divorce occurred the following year.

ANYWAY, I’ve already mentioned my cardinal sin (in Trenberth eyes), which was giving A funds to hire a good attorney when T was blowing his stack & threatening kidnapping charges when A returned to PHX. It seems so strange - here we have my parents’ 69-yr marriage, P’s folks 50-yr one, yet amongst the offspring we have my high-conflict 1st marriage & divorce, followed by tenuous 2nd union w/P. The only enduring relationship was middle brother Ken’s (RIP) 35-yr common-law marriage to Kate?!? (If I’m going to be mailing out letters, I need to mail one to Kate see how she’s holding up as we approach the 2nd anniversary of dear Ken‘s death)

So what I send may turn out to be a cheery “thinking of you” card, with regrets that once again I did not make it out to PHX to visit (A has happily remarried & has a 10-yr old 3rd daughter whom I’ve never met In Real Life; Auntie Val has had to content herself w/the occasional care package!)

The Truth Shall Set You Free**

 (I’m going to type this up as a blog entry & then decide whether I will actually mail the letter - of course y’all need some of the history!)

** yep, I know it’s “my truth” - putting things down in writing is therapeutic to me, & I’ve appreciated insight & feedback from my former sister-in-law if I DO decide to mail the letter!

Peran’s baby brother T (10 yrs younger, that’d make him 49 now) married a nice Hispanic girl from Phoenix shortly after P & I tied the knot in ‘02 (they had “met” & courted online). I had an ominous feeling when T uprooted A to start their married life in the UK (T had initially emigrated to PHX with Yours Truly serving as his sponsor, but wasn't satisfied with the career opportunities he'd found) - I suspected A wouldn’t be happy being so far removed from her family. She returned to PHX with their young daughter when she was pregnant with their 2nd. T has never forgiven me for giving her money for an attorney - it caused conflict between Peran & I also, but I will always presumptively side with the mother unless there is other evidence of neglect or abuse!

Dear A:

       It looks as though you and the girls are well - it’s great seeing all your photos on social media at least! I had high hopes of coordinating a visit, as P was talking about coming out to visit T - however he just announced he is flying out next Sunday (the 21st) & will be staying for a week, which overlaps with my state veterinary conference, my big “team-building event” I’ve taken my staff to for the past several years.

Oh well, there’s another opportunity lost! How foolish of me to imagine that husband & wife might work in tandem towards our common goals; but unfortunately these days P & I seem more like amiable roommates... Things are not-so-amiable when he does things that actively undermine me, however! IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME TO PHOENIX WITH YOU JUST SAY SO!!!

Now I will need to hire a pet-sitter when I leave for the conference - even though I "could" burn up the highway driving back & forth?!? but that would kinda negate the $200/night hotel room...

Miscalculating

 The sorrow will hit me at the oddest times: I will realize no, I can’t pick up the phone & call Charles to tell him about a funny incident, or complain about my life because he’s dead! And yet my life continues to ratchet along like a clackety ol’ freight train - multiple ones churn by my clinic each day, it never slows down.

It feels as if my life is very constrained these days: my time & energy are limited; I seem to be struggling with increasing shortness of breath. More & more it seems like the effort of loading up to go riding is not worth the physical or financial costs and that’s a bad sign for me, “personally” - I know many people (many of whom are members of my trail riding group - while we might have 170'ish members "on paper", in truth we have a core group of maybe 20 riders who Get Out There on a regular basis) for whom their horses are just pasture ornament/pets & while it’s true I’ve got several crippled retirees (I’m looking at you Kizzy, Scarlett, & Moonie!), I adhere to the philosophy that horses do need a job! I got TwoFace registered with AERC, & felt a mild tremor of anticipation - looking at his (at this point) blank record, hoping to fill it up with good memories as he follows in the footsteps of the incomparable Quigley.

Last weekend I gave more of my time & energy away as I drove out to another NATRC ride to serve as an apprentice judge. While it was great to see my “other half” friends & everyone was very thankful/appreciative, it was a lot to ask! I miscalculated the distance by not studying the maps well enough - the ranch was just outside of Abilene, about a 3.5 hr haul by the backroads even though it's only 160 mi away! I took Baraq because I had promised him a road trip with Mommy but did not ride after all - when I had a couple of hours of unstructured time late Saturday afternoon, I was actually preparing to saddle up to go check out the beautiful trails but then Zach called so I sat down to talk to him - I’ll never pass up an opportunity to interact with my boy.

Elaine called it "Wayfarer Out West" for a reason, it was a beautiful isolated ranch adjacent to a National Guard outpost; one of my conspiracy-minded friends was commenting on all of the "chemtrails"... We did have a few moments of drama Saturday evening, when a helicopter gunship made several flyovers of our camp! (I'll try to post a photo - while I didn't yank out my phone, another friend got a few good "action shots") Fortunately none of the horses seemed bothered. But "it's always something" as we had one escapee Sat nigh, then another lady's gelding suffered a mild tying-up episode Sunday morning - which thankfully occurred in camp so she didn't get stuck out on trail.

Recalculating

 Trying to make the best of this holiday weekend, but the weather ain’t cooperating! I “stuck with the plan” yesterday, picking up Tony to haul back to Minneola for a day ride. It rained pretty steadily for most of the day - so much for my smart phone’s “40%” predictions! 

We stopped at the DQ to kill a little time/have a quick snack, but in the end, we wound up just saddling up & riding in the rain! As I told Tony, the whole purpose of these kind of challenging rides is to make you appreciate the luxuries of life, like a hot shower & dry clothing! It was good to catch up with Tony - he had not ridden with me since our 4th of July parade; in his view it’s been “too hot”… he has completed his online radiology technician course; he now has to pass a test to be certified & then he can look for a J*O*B. Getting out of the house & being exposed to a wide spectrum of the human race will be the real learning experience for him…

I have left the trailer hitched with the remote hope that the weather might clear out & I might get in another ride this afternoon or tomorrow, maybe even with my friend Karen? I need to talk to her face-to-face about my concerns about her eldest daughter: I know there’s not much you can do to intervene w/a young adult person** & she doesn’t wanna do anything to jeopardize her relationship with her granddaughter, but Melissa‘s recent social media posts strongly indicate binge drinking if not alcoholism. “I wish I could just stay drunk forever“ seems pretty self-explanatory!

** part of my ex’s rationale for coming down so hard on Zach during his teenage experimentation phase was the fact if you really can’t do much to get treatment for someone who is technically an adult if they won’t sign themselves into a treatment program - whereas for a child, yes of course a parent can. Not that I think that was the right course of action - I would’ve held to the professional recommendations to give him a chance to flunk out of outpatient therapy before imprisoning him in an inpatient program. Perhaps it did have a valuable “scared straight” aspect,  but you would’ve thought it might’ve made an impression on Ex, knowing that his son was the only one in the whole facility who was not there as part of a plea-bargain type legal arrangement?!?

I need to go get a few minor household chores taken care of - moping around that I’m not getting to enjoy trail riding like a small group of my friends who trekked up to Colorado for Labor Day weekend is counterproductive!

Legacy & Memory

 Journaling has been a helpful mental health tool for me since I was a teenager: over the years, I’ve filled multiple notebooks; I regret in a fit of pique I burned a stack of my old ones after H1 read a few & gave me shit about it (actually used that sensitive info as a blunt-force weapon during our ongoing marital wars - he even stole a volume during our divorce & tried to present it is “evidence” that I was an unfit mother! Fortunately the judge wouldn’t allow that “evidence” to be admitted) 

I’ve got a separate blog chronicling those last couple of years of the Custody War & Zach’s tumultuous young adulthood; at some point I’ve contemplated having it printed out as I have done several other volumes of my “work”, ha ha! and gifting it to Zach… I just haven’t figured out the appropriate age? 21 was too young; at 25 he was just getting settled into grown-up life with Victoria (not to mention striving for the finish line of college) - maybe age 30?? And would it be considered a poison-pen gift? I don’t want to cause him additional trauma, above all. But as he asks questions about his father & my’s relationship, as well as my current views as he & Victoria try to navigate forging a marriage - perhaps reading my “Reports from Ground Zero” would be most helpful? It’ll certainly be something to read during his travels! 

No relationship is perfect; everyone makes compromises (duh!) - I called my “childhood boyfriend” to catch up last weekend (we never actually dated, much to my chagrin! since he is 4 yrs older than me - my godmother‘s next-to-youngest son; we were big playmates when we were young) We spoke for an hour & a half on the phone, a “mental health break” for me as anxiety has been gnawing away. His younger brother (3 months younger than me, yikes!) is suffering from early-onset dementia & a big challenge there will be convincing his wife to seek appropriate care for him in their isolated location in SW Texas… As always, “it’s complicated” as I need to fill in a lot of backstory to make it all makes sense!

(Warning: long superfluous backstory here, so you may want to skip to next paragraph!)

My godparents, being good, observant Catholics, had six children. My godmother & Mom  were BFFs since junior high - both got married shortly after HS graduation, but JoPat got quite the head start - having 5 kids before my mom managed to retain her pregnancy with me! I am 3 months older than Paul, but it took me a while to catch up, being a premature infant & all, so my mom delighted in taking out her “twins”, much to my godmother’s chagrin!

Everyone thought Paul & I would end up together, but I guess we had too much familial closeness during our upbringing - Eeew! It would’ve been like kissing your brother for real! I had my romantic sights set on  Paul’s older brother Chris, but with our 4-yr age gap, by the time I joined him in high school, Chris already had a girlfriend - alas! The years passed, Chris married Paula, I married Michael & of course we diverged in our own lives’ directions, touching base briefly at such family events as other weddings, our parents’ 50th anniversaries, then the steady progression of funerals. I can’t help but imagine one of these “paths not taken”…