The Kestrel

 As my faithful readers & good friends all know, Val is a big sci-fi fan but it needs to be decent sci-fi! Of course Star Trek is the ultimate for me, but I have watched Star Wars & Terminator, Blade Runner and many other popular franchises…

So I was excited to hear of good reviews for “The Lobster” when it was released - I was startled to recognize that it came out 10 years ago (Time’s getting away from me) - unfortunately this was not good sci-fi; it was some dystopian mess that couldn’t decide whether it wanted to be a black comedy or social commentary. And it lost me entirely when they cruelly tortured & killed a dog who used to be this guy’s brother - I’m out! (Spoiler alert: Single folks are herded into a hotel where they must find their human partner or be transformed into their spirit animal) For some reason, this movie title came to me after last weekend’s awesome rides -

Sam & I had gone out alone about half an hour behind the few other folks who had showed up**, and as we passed through a gate, there was a kestrel who had caught her foot in the barbed wire & was hanging helplessly upside down, fluttering weakly  & waiting for death. I dismounted to free her, placed her on top of some rocks. It took Lard Ass a few moments to remount, but then we went on - circled back later on that day & she was gone. As we rode across the crest of the hill, a kestrel darted out of the woods - I don’t know if it was her or not but I’d like to think that it was…

** I find it deeply ironic that, with recent controversies over the potential sale of this ranch, only 7 of us showed up last weekend to support ongoing equestrian use of their facilities. “The Magnificent Seven”, ha! Everyone thinks that here in Texas, we have pretty much unlimited access to riding but that is absolutely untrue - since not only is so much of our land under private ownership, even public lands are severely restricted for equestrian use. There are only a handful of state parks that allow equestrian camping, for instance…

https://m.facebook.com/groups/338327592915100/?ref=share

Autopen Continues…

 I feel like a cat with a hairball - I’ve just got to spit it all out; maybe when I do, things will seem to make a little more sense…

So Charles reached out to me in the fall of 2010, as Janis was struggling back from the reconstructive surgery on her aorta. Peran & I went for a couple of brief visits but I wasn’t able to take Zach until Spring  Break 2011 - of course, C & J were delighted by my fine young man. He & Charles hit it off especially well with Charles’s wicked dark humor, not to mention many things to teach Zach about gardening, lawn care, & cooking - Charles was quite the southern scratch cook, a true gourmand even as he remained mindful of Janis’s dietary restrictions…

The next Bad Phone Call came in July 2019, just a few weeks after I lost my dad. I had gone ahead & hauled to New Mexico - my mom seemed to be on an even keel, but I was not having much luck on my rides - so I was actually coming back early when Charles called to say that Janis was hospitalized, in critical condition after going down abruptly in great pain with leg paralysis after what seemed like an ordinary session of yard work. Zach, my mom & I went for a grim visit - Janis had already had below-the-knee bilateral amputations, but they needed to do more, which of course she did not want. We persuaded her & over the next several weeks, she had three more surgeries, and finally was released from the hospital to go home on hospice care. She lasted until the first week of October. There was no memorial service; she just wanted a simple cremation.

I called Charles yesterday morning but he could barely speak. The supplemental oxygen is not doing much for him, in other words. We would not allow a dog to suffer in this manner, as I think of Charles & my many black-humored conversations about my mother, who has not gotten much pleasure out of life honestly ever since my dad died. Charles & Janis were married for 55 yrs, and Charles still holds conversations with her - they were spiritual but not religious. Fortunately, Charles‘s friend Joe from New Braunfels went down yesterday so he is not alone.

I picked Tony up Saturday morning - we went out to Benbrook Lake & rode 7 miles…Summer heat has arrived and it pretty much wiped me out for the rest of the day.  Somehow it seems important to keep on keeping on.

Autopilot II

 “Just the facts ma’am” - I need to type faster or scrutinize my voice dictation closely as I try to “spit it all out”:

As I mentioned, Janis befriended me in our undergraduate ornithology class as I was a good study partner. She & Charles had taken an apartment across the street from UT Arlington - a great place to hang out between & after classes (even though at the time she and Charles both smoked like chimneys). Their bohemian lifestyle was quite a revelation to this sheltered girl, fresh out of Catholic high school - I had my fake ID so we often went to the campus bar on the weekends & closed the place out. Both she & Charles had been art majors, so she was upgrading her teaching certificate while Charles seem to be constantly in search of his ideal position (i.e. Janis was the main breadwinner - another novel concept to me; this couple in their 40’s still living like impoverished college students). My dad sold C & J my mom’s little station wagon at a significant discount as a graduation gift of sorts to Janis, they drove it for years to come until Charles’s ship finally came in -

Charles became the personal assistant to a wealthy elderly Texas oil/ranchwoman when they were renting a house on Key Allegro, the artists’ enclave of Rockport. When she passed away (I just wasted a lot of time trying to look up the exact date, but it was in the early 2000’s), she left Charles a substantial bequest. This enabled them to buy the shell of an abandoned beach house on the north end of Rockport, which they then finished out. If memory serves, they moved in around 2005; as I mentioned before, Janis’s health problems began snowballing in 2010.

(Once again, too slow! so I’ll have to add onto this little memoir later)

Odd little postscript - apparently my iPhone is smarter than the iPad: when I tried to look up Nelle's obituary, my smart phone found it right away! But she passed away in Y2K; Charles is mentioned as her business manager as well as one of the pallbearers in her obituary... (Maybe I'm just morbid, but I do find some obituaries fascinating)

https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/67382083/nelle-estelle-coleman

Autopilot

 It’s a real treat for me to go to bed without setting an alarm - nevertheless, my eyelids popped open at 7:01! I slept fairly well (maybe because that pressure was off), but I’ve spent the last hour doodling  around on various philosophy websites trying to find an exact quotation…

Charles always reminded me of the Greek philosopher who joked that he “lived in search of good wine by land or sea”… Their lifestyle was such a revelation to me; Janis had come back to college (where we met when I was a undergraduate at UT Arlington) to upgrade her teachers’ certificate & ultimately wound up taking a position down on the coast where she spent the last 30 yrs of her life. We fell out of touch when I married Michael because they knew “way back when” that he was no good for me, but Charles reached out in 2011 - Janis had retired in the aftermath of a diabetic health calamity; she had had major surgery to repair the claudication of her aorta, resulting in life-threatening anemia, multiple blood clots in her legs (she was lucky not to have suffered amputations at that time, nor major organ damage), and struggled back in an amazing recovery… Janis could have very easily become dependent on a wheelchair or walker, but through regimented exercise & Charles’s meticulous attention to her diet, she was able to return to hiking, birdwatching, and yes even the short horseback ride she wanted to experience when I took the ponies down to the coast during Z’s Spring Break of 2011…

This “honeymoon period” lasted 8 yrs - Charles again called me in July of 2019 when Janis was struck down by a catastrophic spiral of blood clots & sepsis, resulting in progressive amputations of her legs & her death in October. I pray that things are less miserable for Charles, although he admits to significant pain & unrelenting hunger, even though he can eat next to nothing. His neighbor called me yesterday to say that hospice tried to deliver an electric wheelchair which he refused - it would almost be a hazard in his multilevel beach house! I was roaming around the upstairs Sunday morning since I couldn’t sleep - I pulled out a couple of the photo albums from their extensive travels (Spain, Morocco, Portugal). How quickly the time passes!

Catchup with Photos

 (As I mentioned, taking any photos in Rockport would've been cruel & unusual punishment, but I did snap a few at Lake Whitney & Z's BD dinner)

                            Dear darling Silas, toting Marina w/Cowboy Troy on his good paint mare

       Saturday afternoon (Loop 2) just before the equestrian wheels flew off the Carla's buses**

                                     Look at my handsome majestic Arabian - mighty Baraq at 23!!!

See Zach's halo? Love the chandeliers at his favorite steakhouse. Another fine dining experience

** Now I realize I never posted about that minor catastrophe: in what was kind of a last-minute decision, I hauled down to Lake Whitney the last weekend of May for our Texas trail riders benefit ride. Not a lot of folks came because it was hot! I had brought Silas for my friend JR's niece to ride again, but the 2 Carlas were running behind - Marina & I went out & did Loop 1 with the other cowboys n' cowgirls, then went out on Loop 2 with the 2 Carlas. Unfortunately we barely got 3 mi out when something spooked Carla 2.0's big goofy Thoroughbred - I heard the "pop" of her Hit-Air vest deploying as she was thrown. I had my hands full as Baraq started bouncing around, then I heard another "pop" as Carla Prime was unhorsed as well. When I got Baraq settled down, we circled back to assure ourselves that both Carlas were OK, then we backtracked their horses back to camp. "All's well that ends well" since fortunately no horses nor humans were injured, but it was a long hot walk back to camp for my friends. Cowboy Troy rode out to the rescue with extra water bottles...

The Hit-Air vests are the equivalent of a "wearable airbag" that protects riders from rib & spinal injuries - I admit they're pretty cool but my ego won't allow me to wear one until I eat dirt a few more times...

https://www.hitairequestrian.com/

Best-Laid Plans

 As if I didn’t have enough “Woe is me” evidence - I opened up FB last night to see that my beloved Ft Stanton ride next month has been canceled due to the lack of pre-entries. Seems a little odd when the ride manager had set a pre-entry deadline of June 20 & yesterday was the 16th, but of course that’s his prerogative! Managing an endurance event is hard, thankless, expensive work - perhaps the predictable umbrage & outrage will change Tommy’s mind, but I don’t blame him for noping out. Several folks are saying since they’ve already arranged for the time off, they’re going to go camp out & ride regardless, & I think I’ll do the same. I could be really self-sacrificing & return to Rockport but I think I need the saddle time worse…

After a long day of waiting around + multiple phone calls, Charles’s doctors finally released his medical records to hospice, & I’m happy to say their hospice nurse went out yesterday afternoon at 4:30. I was pleasantly surprised they were so proactive! Now I’ve got to be proactive & get my tail to work - I took 50 mg of trazodone last night to take the edge off, which helped me sleep but left me groggy & unfocused this morning. Guess I’d rather just be tired!

Too Little Too Late

 I’ve learned to pay attention to that little naggling voice of conviction; the one that told me to “get my ass to Rockport” after Charles called to tell me he’d been diagnosed with metastatic esophageal carcinoma at the Texas Medical Center. (Recap: he had been vomiting since Thanksgiving & has lost a precipitous amount of weight. His sister came to visit in April, bundled him up to take him back to Houston for diagnostics but he insisted on returning to his home, where he wants to spend his final days)

I picked Father’s Day weekend which seemed apropos as Charles has been a positive masculine influence in Zach’s life. Unfortunately, Z stood me up because he got too far behind the 8-ball in preparation for his trip to Tampa today for the final phase of his training for his new job… Let me just say I’m so glad I went because it was desperately needed - I was even able to get Charles signed up for hospice care on Saturday. The nurse is supposed to come out today to do his evaluation - the first order of business will be to get him on oxygen, he gasps for breath with the slightest exertion. He kept on trying to help me as I cleaned up the kitchen or did this & that but he would run himself into oxygen debt & have to hit his inhaler. I went to Walmart and got him several of those handheld oxygen canisters, got him a few things in the way of groceries (which hopefully he can eat; the kitchen was stacked with picked-over portions of food). I made him one homemade meal** - that’s all I had time for as I had to come back home yesterday…

**pasta salad & air-fryer fish

I took no photos. It would’ve almost been cruel